‘Herr Gruber has arrived, sir.’
‘Okay. I’ll come down.’
‘I’m off to the shoppe, anything you require?’
‘Only a souvenir copy of The Beacon, Wooley’s capabilities with a smartphone camera are remarkable.’
‘The coffee is on.’
‘Excellent.’
The three of us sat, rather dumbfounded, around Charlie’s kitchen table. Before us was The Beacon’s front page. Under the banner headline, UP YOURS was an enlarged picture of Buffy, wearing his version of rugby kit, surrounded by his security detail. The Don had caught the PM with his tongue fully extended at the same time as his right arm was partially raised with the palm clenched and facing inward with just the middle digit straightened!
‘Is it true that palace flunkies lay out all the daily newspapers for Her Majesty in her private apartments?’ Asked Barmy.
‘Yes, wherever she happens to be.’
‘All the papers have it, Don must have sold it to everyone.’ Added Charlie.
‘Just as well she’s known for fixing her own, modest breakfast!’
‘Still, isn’t the whole point of the visit that the PM gets informal face time with the monarch?’ Barmy enquired further.
‘Indeed. Perhaps she’ll lecture him on inappropriate cultural appropriation. Anyway, since we are all sat here at this largish table, and between us can claim to represent the club dining committee, the finance and general purposes committee and the spa committee, I may as well show you the latest plans for the Park.’
I ran upstairs and returned with a cardboard tube. With an appropriate flourish, I laid before my companions an architect’s drawing. After we’d all reached for glasses and bowed our heads for a moment or two, Charlie said; ‘So it’s an extension out the back, with a patio, drinking fountain, then inside, aquatherapy where the garden currently starts.’
‘But all that necessitates a turnaround inside. New reception, more changing rooms. And we seal off access via the club, whilst opening up an entrance of it’s own onto the carpark. Your committee becomes the Sport and Spa committee. Those with just a golf membership, can get their own way in, but be processed via the spa.’
‘You think golfers are less clubbable, ya?’
‘And more prone to back injuries. Fact is the golf course; the spa and the conference facilities are growth areas. Whilst the club is in essence full, more members will just make it less amiable, we are already waiting for people to die off. Well, that’s the plan so far.’
‘So, how do we get the injured from the Games Room to the spa?’ Asked Charlie.
‘Good question.’ Added Barmy.
‘Just as easily, either taking the trolley out of the front or back door, level “disability” access either way.’
‘Oh right. Can I leave you to give our guest the tour, sir?’
‘Of course.’
‘I’m going to see what’s fresh to pick in the garden.’
Barmy, given the nature of his work, tends to take computer tech rather for granted. Once inside the Media Room, he seemed immediately preoccupied with the state of my library. ‘You have the breadth of learning, the historical reach, I admire that. But this arranging on a timeline, it makes for odd bedfellows I think, Dickens, Kipling and Conan Doyle amongst the European peasantry and the industrial magnets, fascinating. My mind is really too narrow for teaching you know, I reflect on that often, I make the students even worse.’
‘What, even fighter pilots?’
‘Sure, I seem to just take them even deeper into a world of minute calculations in featureless spaces. Your world is full of colour.’
‘That was Charlie’s first impression, the colour, even before she could tell one volume from another or realise there was a history of ideas. How’s Melisa?’
‘Interested, absorbed. It’s Daphne who you make think. I wouldn’t be surprised if it is the same trick with Charlie.’
‘Perhaps, that and providing a home for her to play in.’
‘Don’t ever let her grow-up will you.’
‘No, she tried that, didn’t suit.’
‘Yes, of course. I move on from the Navy soon, both the Brits and the Americans want me to write an assessment of the state of play with remote flying, also the alternatives, whether headsets might be the future, end of control panels and dashboards and all that.’
‘Dashboards make me think of cars, how long have us petrol heads got?’
‘A long time I would guess, two main things, a network of filling stations which are also garages where it is easy to leave one or two pumps; plus, what counts as a new car? Does an old one with almost all new parts count?’
Before Barmy left, I asked; ‘How far has Melisa actually got in her reading?’
‘She is currently immersed in the one about the two sisters, the wicked father and the deadly snake.’
‘The Speckled Band, how appropriate!’
A few days later, Charlie had me on my back in the treatment room; ‘I saw you were conspiring with the PM, again.’
‘Ah, that reminds me, given Rory will be hanging around the Park for the next few weeks…’
‘Yes.’
‘I need to approach him regarding a rather sensitive topic, you might tip me off, the next time you finish giving him a treatment.’
‘Oh, yes?’
‘You don’t wanna know.’
‘Very good, sir.’ And after a pause. ‘I know why you’re prepared to splash-out on the spa.’
‘Really?’
‘Archie told me about the offer, due to come before the main trustees.’
‘Ah.’
‘It’s a huge amount.’
‘Well, Thayer thinks it’s enough to scrap any idea of an auction with it’s inherent risks, and it comes from a group with a lot of experience in property management, who wouldn’t have a problem raising the cash.’
‘Will you all accept it?’
‘I would have thought it likely.’
‘Blimey!’
‘Well not so blimey, if you divide the price by the amount collected in rents from Melbury buildings every year, and then subtract the salaries of the dozen or so craftsmen we now have employed on restoration work across the county. Power comes with responsibilities, that’s the game we’re in now.’
‘And age makes one feel more responsible.’
‘Yes, I suppose so. But in some odd ways sometimes. Take our Doc, he’s starting to insist one turns-up on a regular basis for all sorts of testing, since I turned fifty. Seems, the medical profession is determined to make the older person into a hypochondriac. Health suddenly becomes all about who can live the longest, no matter how much medical tech you have to be strapped on to.’
‘But surely he’s pleased about your lifestyle improvements over the last couple of years?’
‘Oh, yes. But that just makes him ever keener, thinks he has a willing participant in their conspiracy. He won’t say, “carry-on, get even fitter on your own”, oh no, he’ll mention this or that pill to reduce even further any sign of aging. If they sold it as being about the quality of life, today, it wouldn’t be so bad, but they just can’t help banging-on about life expectancy.’
‘Perhaps he’s worried I’ll wear you out, bring on a sudden attack or seizure.’
‘Oh, well carry-on then, I couldn’t think of a better way to go.’
One day, soon after, Charlie jumped up from her desk exclaiming; ‘The police are here!’
‘Good lord.’
‘It’s the Chief Constable, she appears to be on her own.’
‘Blimey, as you might say.’
Charlie let her into the reception room. Then returned; ‘She wants to speak to us together.’
‘I see. What have you done?’
‘Me!’
Upon entering, I offered the esteemed officer a seat. ‘No thanks, I’m not stopping, I’m here against my better judgement as it is, but nonetheless, better this than a public ceremony with all the attendant free publicity. Here you are, one each.’
‘One what?’
‘Commendation certificates, for the return of the Crimean gold. Not my idea, and I’m supposed to say thanks from the First Lord of the Treasury. It was also suggested, that because of your ongoing cooperation coordinating the visits of said First Lord, that I should be the one to send in a recommendation for something for you both in the next honours list, not sure I can bring myself to do that.’
‘Well, you don’t want to be stuck in this neck of the woods all your career...’
Don’t, don’t even think of going there. Good day to you both.’
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