‘It doesn’t look right somehow, seeing you driving a vacuum cleaner. Besides, you don’t clean nearly enough. What you end up doing once a fortnight, should be done twice a week!’ So opined Charlie with a raised voice.
‘It may sound incredible, but I did survive until nearly fifty, before you came along.’ I shouted back.
‘That’s actually quite scary to think about. You, without an effective restraining influence.’
I turned off the machine. ‘I don’t suppose you have a candidate for the role of cleaning lady, or home help, or whoever you think, we lack.’
‘No, not yet. Which reminds me we need to pencil-in more fishing leave, if I’m to clock-up the full six weeks before next April.’
‘Do you ever think about diversity Tony?’
‘Not often, but I did notice the other day we defiantly had more butterflies in the garden than I remember from last year.’
‘I didn’t mean that, I meant here in the club.’ So said Cat, as we propped up the bar.
‘Oh, you mean different sorts of humankind. No not really. After all, we’re interested in attracting like-minded people, that’s what clubs do. Besides we’re a club within a private house that happens to be a small employer, we don’t have to worry, do we?’
‘No, I was just wondering if anyone was counting?’
‘Well, apparently you have to use self-reporting, so ask people what they self-identify as. Strikes me that helps no one, forever being asked to label your differences, to self-stigmatise, rather than notice what brings people together.’
‘Don’t get many Blacks!’
‘Well of course not, they have a tendency to be poorer and to live in cities, the ones we do get are all Americans, signed-in as guests of members. Still, plenty of Eastern and Orientals eh! Or is that too much of an imperial reference these days? And certainly, a higher percentage than live in the bay area as a whole.’
‘Well, that’s money and education for you.’
‘So, what brought this on?’
‘Well, we were rather twiddling our thumbs at the last membership committee, only took a few minutes to review the list for any urgent, priority cases, there weren’t any. And no one has died or moved on this month. Got to talking about discrimination and all that. It’s all very well having a policy of ‘people like us’ but are we missing out?’
‘But you’re quite good at spotting, when you’re missing out the kind of people we need. I mean take Charlie, hardly your typical candidate.’
‘Yes, but you must have noticed old boy, how she’s changed. She’s more like one of us, than one of us now!’
‘Bravo to that.’
‘And what about religion?’
‘Ah well, we can’t be faulted there, we have representatives of every contradictory faith imaginable. So much so, that the less identified, the better.’
‘It all makes you think, though. Don’t you think?’
‘Cat, the one really important fact about people like us, who feel we see the world clearly, is we’re a tiny minority, hidden away out of sight of the rest of the world. Now does that make us an elite, or an irrelevance?’
‘Life, doesn’t have a plot, does it Tony.’ Said my lunch companion.
‘No Tuffy. Just a beginning, a middle and an end.’
‘I suppose one must consider oneself to be at the end of the middle.’
‘Or the beginning of the end.’
‘I say, that’s rather, glass half-full.’
‘Ah, but by being pessimistic, I’m always being pleasantly surprised.’
‘Do you ever think about love?’
‘You haven’t asked that question in a while! No, I think about sex, from dawn till dusk.’
‘Good lord!’
‘Now don’t get me wrong. Charlie puts it rather well, talks about love, like joy, having to be remade every day. The point is, as a heterosexual male, I have a sexualised orientation to life, a traditional masculinity if you will, towards everything. So, everything is a flirtation, an attempt at seduction, everything has a sexual component although actual sexual intimacy only occurs periodically. Before I settled down with Charlie, I had the reputation of being a bit of a lunchtime Lothario; so be it. You pay close attention to women you like; you create an atmosphere in which they, either verbally or non-verbally can communicate what they want. Then you give them, whatever they want. Which of course can be anything at all, sexual or otherwise.’
‘But where’s the right and wrong?’
‘There is no set menu Tuffy, just everything, everyone, slowly evolving.’
‘Victoria has led me back to the church, you really should seek a spiritual path.’
‘I have no problem finding spiritual experiences, religion can be fitted-in to evolution easily enough, but you can’t fit evolution into religion.’
‘It’s rhubarb crumble with lashings of custard today!’
‘And your Victoria’s religion allows that does it?’
‘Of course.’
‘How enlightened.’
‘Tony! I want you to meet Harry!’ So said the Don.
‘Henry Walpole, Don says you are the club.’ So said a small rotund male.
‘And I say more than that Harry; he is the spa, the conference centre and the Park. And, via the Arlington Trust, one of the most significant landowners in this part of the world.’
‘You flatter me Don.’
‘Only one thing holds him back from total domination - and that’s his better half.’
‘Ah, now that I do understand, my wife has recently retired me to the countryside, hence my desire to find somewhere to hole-up. This is all very pleasant I must say.’
‘Well, once you’ve got your face known, you must apply for membership.’
‘Harry, is not without reputation Tony, he has featured in many a crime story in our pages. As a legal eagle of course.’
‘Defence barrister, man and boy, alas now put out to grass.’
‘Tony here, let me tell you, was responsible for recovering the Crimean gold.’
‘Ah! Therefore, the better half Don mentioned, is in fact the Valette, also a feature of The Beacon?’
‘She gets around our Charlie.’
‘I look forward to making her acquaintance.’
‘She’s known to most as Sparkwell.’ I added.
‘Not by any chance related to a certain god-bothering gentlemen who it’s been my displeasure to encounter around the law courts by any chance?’
‘Daughter.’
‘Then I’m sure we’ll get along just fine. And if she ever needs legal representation, I’m her man.’
‘We’ll bare that in mind.’
‘Does the name Henry Walpole mean anything to you?’
‘I’ve never met him. Father was always moaning about him.’
‘What is he?’
‘Defending barrister, must be pretty ancient now. A thorn in father’s side, forever getting people off. A bit of a rascal.’
‘How so?’
‘Well, using underhand methods, like not taking the police’s word as gospel, but doing his own investigating, turning up new evidence and surprise witnesses.’
‘Sounds like a resourceful chap.’
‘Oh my god! He’s turned up at the club?’
‘The Don had him in tow.’
‘That figures. Had some remarkable successes in scandalous cases. You and Cat had better watch out, he’ll spot your machinations.’
‘Really. He offered his services to you, the second he found out who you were.’
‘My enemy’s enemy is my friend.’
‘Your strategic thinking is coming on by leaps and bounds.’
‘Rory! Long time no see, Charlie mentioned she was scheduled to give you a good pummelling. Come, let us sit by the fire.’
‘You know, the thing about Charlotte is, one always feels so much better about the rest of the world after a treatment. Funny that, almost benevolent.’
‘Well, that’s good, for an MP, what?’
‘Yes, you know if it weren’t for Prudence, I could happily spend my entire career on the backbenches.’
‘Becoming ambitious on your behalf, again, is she?’
‘Yes. Oh Tony! The problem is I’ve no idea how these chaps go about ministerial advancement.’
‘Well, surely they get themselves noticed, make grand speeches championing the issues of the day.’
‘But what are the issues?’
‘Well I would have thought the important one was obvious, the government has spent ten years worth of income, in a little over two years!’
‘Oh, yes, I suppose.’
‘Now then let’s stare into the fire, and see if we can’t foretell your future.’
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