52: The final problem

‘I’ve just had a shock, two shocks in fact.’ So said Charlie as she came through the front door.

‘Sit down, I’ll make some of your special tea.’

A few minutes later. ‘There you go. In your own time, as they say.’

‘You know the other week I went to the surgery for the introductory interrogation after registering with your Doc.’

‘Yes.’

‘Well, I got on quite well with the nurse, so I kind of just let her get on with it, let her poke about, check-out whatever, send for testing etc.’

‘Yes.’

‘Today, they sent me to the clinic for the results. They wanted to double check a few things, I ended up talking it all through with the specialist for about half an hour! They think I should be using some form of artificial contraception because I could get up the duff at any time.’

‘And this after you’d explained your entire history, again. So, what did you say?’

‘I just said I’d do things my own way thank you very much. Then she suggested counselling on account of either I was unconsciously avoiding doing anything that would up my chances of getting knocked-up or, simply using unreliable methods of contraception and being irresponsible. What do you think?’

‘I think modern medicine has very little in common with hard evolutionary genetic science, nor is it the wisdom of our ancient ancestors! Do as you like, I’ll go with any outcome. Although, as I’ve implied before, if you were inclined towards motherhood, I’d be quite prepared to facilitate the grandest and most traditional of weddings, and use the resources of the Trust to secure the health and happiness of our offspring.’

‘How grand?’

‘Now you’re asking the right questions. The cathedral with the bishop presiding. Didn’t you say a while ago your father had some such idea in mind?’

‘Not even he could pull that one off, he’s not that influential. His Lawyers as Christians thing is pretty small fry.’

‘Then he’d have to ask for some local help.’

‘You?’

‘No, but perhaps one of our local country bumpkin solicitors and his sidekick.’

‘Really, is this something to do with the Trust?’

‘No, no. But Bernard and Brinkley do provide certain services to the diocese in matters temporal. Your father might find them uniquely placed to affect the desired outcome. Cat Macintosh may despair at the woke-ness of the Church of England in spiritual matters, but they remain quite traditional when it comes to certain aspects of their governance, their property, and land.’

‘You’ve thought this through!’

‘I confess, certain possible scenarios have flittered across my mind in idle moments since I was able to link your father to Bernard.’

‘Don’t tell me, father prosecuted him and crushed him in court.’

‘Apparently. But, all rather neat don’t you think? You take your father for a shed load of cash; he thinks his problem is finally off his hands.’

‘But seriously, is there anything about me that would suggest I’d make a good mother?’

‘Not right now perhaps, but if you did become, with child, there’s no knowing how your brain and body would react, almost instantly. But anyway, you said you’d had two shocks.’

‘Oh, yes. Coming back in just now from the other direction I walked along the front of the terrace. Suddenly I thought I was going to have a heart attack. One of the front doors banged open, on to the street, like the wrong way. You said they were all sealed up to make larger apartments.’

‘Oh lord. Yes. Sorry, I should have explained.’

‘And out flies Jim all masked-up with a black sack over his shoulder big enough to hold a body. God!’

‘Yeah, there’s two of them, one towards each end. Additional fire exits from way back. But these days they’re nowhere near the official mustering point, so, not advised for use.’

The following day I decided to take advantage of the partial relaxation in covid-19 rules, to get a haircut. ‘I’m only off to the barbers for a good trim, shouldn’t be more than an hour.’

‘Hang-on, I’ll come with you, I need the exercise.’ As soon as we were outside, she asked; ‘Where do you usually go?’

‘Only to Alex’s around the corner.’

‘I couldn’t recommend them, sir.’

‘What do you mean, you “couldn’t recommend them”, I’ve been going there for years!’

‘For a gentleman of your description.’

‘And just what do you mean by a “gentleman of my description”?’

‘Well, your hair is older than your body now. With most people it’s the other way around. If you care to follow me, just a short way up the town, I’m sure I could get you a quick consultation with Margot, the hair magician.’

‘You want it really short. Un-comb-able, you mean.’

‘Oh no, well not necessarily, just whatever she recommends.’

‘You want me to place myself in the hands of an unknown crimper?’

‘Only unknown to you!’

‘This feels like a major concession to me, another stage in your rise to total domination over my dominion.’

‘You, want something in return.’

‘There you go, thinking several moves ahead now!’

‘Well?’

‘I want you to sit down with pen and paper and write me a mission statement. Just a hundred and fifty or two hundred words, a first draft to give the direction of travel.’

‘What are you talking about?’

‘I want you to imagine you are the chief executive of a charitable trust, with a mass of property assets, including nearly a thousand acres of productive land and tens of millions in cash and investments. I want to know what you personally, given the world you live in, think the priorities of such an organisation should be.’

‘And you’ll submit to having your head restyled?’

‘Of course.’

‘Done.’

‘Fact is, pretty soon I’m going to have to concede, to the Trust having a proper Board of Trustees, with a variety of expertises. It’s just too big for one person to effectively control, soon it will attract more attention from various government agencies, plus if I am to be the end of the line, well, let’s see how much influence we can have over a future we won’t be a part of!’

‘We’re here.’

‘Once more into breach, summon up the blood, etcetera!’

‘Can one get attention in this sparkling emporium without an appointment?’ No sooner had I mumbled these words to my companion, than a majestic lady of middle age approached.

‘Oh, my goodness! Charlotte. It’s been a while, is this your new chap?’

‘Margot, Tony. Tony, Margot.’

‘I’ve given over control of my hair to Charlie here, she says I must let you do whatever you will with it.’

‘I say, you are serious about him darling! Who’d have thought. Take a seat for a while, I’ll finish up with my client and have a think about your problem.’

We were left to admire the surroundings.

‘So, you want to start thinking about the future of the Trust now, so the right people get to be Trustees?’

‘Sure, and who is allowed to just advise and who has to share legal responsibility for its conduct.’

‘But if I just dropped a couple of kids for you, we could all go on enjoying a grand country living?’

‘The two aren’t mutually exclusive.’

‘Charlotte! Let’s have your lad over here.’ Once seated, with the two of them peering at the back of my head and Margot using her comb to explore, like the school nit nurse, I realised I was no longer in control - of anything in my life. ‘As you know from your massage darling, nothing really grows symmetrically, see, thinning more on that side.’ I tuned-out, focused solely on the breath, letting go of the good thoughts as well as the unwelcome. ‘I can do this all in five minutes with just the scissors, then you must use the home shaving kit to remove as much of his body hair as you require.’

(End of Book One - this blog will return, sometime, maybe...)

51: Doing archaeology

Charlie was doing her usual trick of asking what the “agenda for the day” was as we were towelled off after showering - so as to better take control of my wardrobe!

‘We need to settle on a strategy for dealing with the contents of the Villa.’ I replied.

‘Aren’t you putting the cart before the horse?’

‘What can you mean?’

‘Well shouldn’t you be in secret session with Brinkley and Merriweather deciding the fate of the Villa first?’

‘Well, the thing is, you remember the first time I took you there...’

‘I mean it should be a piece of cake for you to get as much time as you want to sort the possessions.’

‘Well, yes...’

‘There, jeans, tea shirt, leather jacket, trainers - ideal for dusty sorting, box carrying etc.’

‘You think we should be making a start today?’

‘For a few hours. Look, you don’t really know what there is yet, what the significance of what there is, is. You won’t know what can go, until the very end. Even sorting one room at a time. I mean as soon you hit on a document concerning anyone, you’ll have to stop and read it to know whether it has implications for everything else!’

‘Point taken.’

‘Besides. You’re a bit emotionally distracted now anyway. You may need weeks to take it all on board when it comes to your father’s stuff, as well as your Aunt’s. You’ve just got to feel your way around, at your own pace. However long that turns out to be.’

‘But there must be an efficient way of doing it.’

‘May be, but it’s not really about a house clearance is it, least not for you. It’s a learning process, you want the history to use, think of it like acquiring a skillset.’

‘Oh, right. So speaks the voice of the sports scientist, you mean take a thin-slice through each room...’

‘Try several.’

‘Then start to make links, so as to make one chunk, of the whole. Then make other chunks elsewhere.’

‘You just have to decide what the game is, if it is a game? If there are any rules at all!’

‘Well, the game is obvious - it’s archaeology.’

‘What?’

‘Digging up the past.’

We were sat in the kitchen of the Villa. Taking a break. Charlie, improvising a lunch from the Aunt’s well stocked freezer. ‘Why don’t I persuade the Trust to allow you to rent this place or better still buy a long lease, cheap? It would give you some long-term security. Then you could afford, with a loan or two, to remodel the place however you liked.’

‘With respect sir, for someone so smart, you have an amazing ability to miss the bleedin’ obvious.’

‘Oh yes?’

‘For a start that’s your fantasy, not mine. In your grand scheme of being master of all you survey at Checkley, with this as the town house, presided over by yours truly, you’re ignoring reality. Pandemic aside, if you inherit the gentleman’s manor house, realistically it won’t be for another twenty years or so!’

‘Possibly, possibly.’

‘You’ll be seventy! You’ll be like your uncle is now, trying to take it easy and keep-up at the same time. You won’t have the energy for any grand plans or schemes. If you want an ancestral home, this is all there is. A four-bed detached, thoroughly middle-class home with pretentions - which is what you really are! Take it, transform it into whatever state you want, then ask me whether I’ll join you. And be prepared for the reply that it is not within the terms of employment of a valet, sir - to be housekeeper and cleaner in a place of this size, thank you very much.’

‘I see, this is you putting your foot down is it?’

‘Sometimes I think you’ve got me completely back to front. I’ve been reading up about real val-ets, they only really existed between about nineteen hundred and nineteen thirty, and there weren’t that many of them! Yes, they were at the top of the tree, in that they had the same pay and status of a butler but without the drudgery or responsibility for others - freedom in other words. If they had the sense to let their employer set the pace, they could slip-stream behind and enjoy an unprecedented quality of life for someone of their background, a dozen country-house weekends every year, a car, a couple of foreign holidays and a transatlantic trip every few years. The opportunities for tips, were out of this world! But their freedom, their power, came from being able to walk away at a moment’s notice, knowing they could go work for any number of other people, who they already knew all about!’

‘I think I see where this is going.’

‘Amaze me, Holmes.’

‘Something about not being able to appreciate a butterfly if you try and hold it in your hand.’

‘I live in the here and now. If I’m content, I’ll still be here tomorrow.’ Then, eyeball to eyeball; ‘Love is found in the moment, like joy - it has to be remade every day.’

It wasn’t long before one of our sessions at the Villa coincided with one of Mr Murchison’s half days in the garden. ‘Good afternoon young man.’

‘How are you, sir’ I asked, as if he were a kindly schoolmaster or the vicar.

‘So far so good, staying out of the way of almost everybody.’

‘Charlotte’s here too, we try and put in a couple of hours sorting most days.’

‘I told Elisabeth she was becoming obsessive about family history, “who will care about all this?” I’d challenge her. “My nephew did read history Kenneth; he’ll know perfectly well what to do!” Ha! Just for the record, she never ran you down to other people, in case you ever wondered.’

‘Thank you. I understand you’ve spoken with her executor.’

‘Odd chap, still, seems I’m to carry-on, but consult with you about the future, I understand you are the Trust now.’

‘Well, the way it works is I come up with a proposal, then the lawyers and the accountants tell me whether I’m allowed to do it or not! The burning question of the hour is, do I want to live here, or do we rent or lease it to someone else. If I did move in, well I remember this garden the way it was forty years ago, I’m wondering whether it’s possible to bring it all back?’

‘Follow me.’ Murchison proceeded to the shed, took out a spade and with surprising ease, cut a section about sixty centimetres deep into the fallow veg garden. ‘So, what do you see?’

The soil was grey to black. ‘It’s not red!’

‘Now the borders aren’t quite as good, gets worse towards the house, but nonetheless. The house foundations are on the Meadfoot, but someone has shipped the soil in from somewhere down the road that’s Heavitree stone. A century of digging and composting. Elisabeth once brought out a couple of, well, Edwardian photos I suppose they must have been, they’d been found by Thomas Hayward somewhere. Find them, and you’re away. Where there’s a will, there’s a way!’

‘Come on then, give me the full tour, bring me up to speed, and I’ll fix it for you to have tea on the patio with Charlotte.’

50: An act of will

‘What are you expecting to happen?’

‘I don’t know. As I said, I’ve no idea what her intentions were.’

‘What did she have to leave?’

‘Well, the Villa and its contents. Uncle Thomas owned the house, bought it when they married, did it up, paid off the mortgage. It’s only been in later years that she’s drawn on the Trust. Although I assume, she had an allowance when young. It seems everything is coming to an end. If I’d had a cousin, or two, things might have been very different.’

We rose in the lift to the top floor, reception seemed abandoned. ‘I’ll wait here whilst whatever happens, happens.’

‘Thanks babe.’

After a minute or two Brinkley appeared, masked like the two of us. ‘I’ve been asked here to represent the Trust. Bernard’s been very proper about things, not breathed a word about Mrs Hayward’s estate.’

‘What did you make of the funeral?’

‘I can’t every recall one like it. Thank you for the music Anthony, most consoling.’

Then Bernard came out of his office. ‘Morning Ms Sparkwell. I shan’t keep you long Tony, Lawrence. I propose just to read the Will - it’s not long - take any immediate questions, otherwise I see no reason not to do the rest by email or video conference.’

He was right, it was short and to the point, I suppose I should have expected that. ‘Okay then,’ I said as Bernard did that trick of folding and tying a legal document without actually looking at it. ‘Charlie and I will do a systematic search of the Villa in the next few days and we’ll deliver anything legal, financial, insurance like...’

‘Jewellery.’

‘Oh yes, of course.’

‘One other thing Tony, your Aunt did mention on the occasion she signed the Will, that amongst her possessions are all your father’s papers. Now they will be yours to do with as you see fit, but in truth neither Lawrence nor I have ever had the opportunity to review them. There is, historically speaking, a bit of a gap in the Trust archive.’

‘You intrigue me strangely.’

‘Quite. We are ourselves intrigued. Also, it is possible some of her documents may be quite explicit about the death of your parents.’

‘Yes, I always knew, if I made a fuss, I could find out more. Anyway, I’ll certainly undertake to ask your advice before consigning anything Trust related to the bonfire!’

‘So, onward and upward.’

Charlie and I walked in silence through a local park. ‘Let’s sit here, I’ll explain. Aunt has left the house to the Trust to do with it what it will. Her possessions she’s left to me. But there is an attachment, non-binding you understand, asking the executor, Bernard that is, to allow Murchison to carry on tending the garden for as long as he wishes. And that’s it.’

‘How strange. Is it strange?’

‘I guess if one knew the nature of their relationship, it wouldn’t be strange. Attempting to deduce it from the request, could be fraught with mishap, capital mistake to theorise from too little data…’

‘Okay, enough of the Sherlock.’

‘Perhaps I should be calling him Kenneth from now on.’

‘So, what now?’

‘Well, if you’ve a mind to, you’re welcome to join me over the next few days doing a proper search of the Villa.’

‘With what purpose in mind?’

‘At the moment, just looking for stuff the executor needs sight of; financial and legal records, anything to do with assets and liabilities, so one must be on the lookout for unpaid bills too. Don’t want the utilities to suddenly fail. Bernard can do the actual informing of people. Do you know anything about jewellery?’

‘Do I look like I do?’

‘No, we’ll just have to collect any and all we can find, give it to Bernard so he can arrange valuing. Problem is, both he and I know there is some which is old and valuable, and is already listed as assets of the Trust.’

‘How come?’

‘I’m guessing, but items handed down through the generations, that at the time must have been worth more than, say, ten grand in today’s money?’

‘And neither of you can tell one from t’other?’

‘Well, there are descriptions somewhere and presumably on insurance documents too, but all in the name of the Trust so, his problem. And, apparently, Aunt confirmed to Bernard that she still had all my father’s papers, stuff I’ve never seen. I could have asked, not sure why I didn’t.’

‘Mad, completely crazy. Fifty years old.’

‘Makes no difference, as you’ll discover. In my head, my memory of my parents is from a time when I didn’t know anything about the adult world. Let’s get to the car, I’m beginning to feel cold.’

‘I’ve not heard anything from Cat for a while, he wasn’t at the livestream, in fact, yes, he’s not actually logged-in to the new website yet, in any capacity. Of course, we’ve not met since that day at the Park when the lockdown was announced.’

‘Whereabouts does he live?’

‘All over the place, no fixed abode.’

‘I never picked up on that!’

‘You mean, one nomad recognising another?’

‘Yes.’

‘Although, I think, these days he goes home a lot, his parents are quite elderly.’

‘Somewhere grand, no doubt.’

‘Well, they’re the only people I’ve met with a moat!’

‘Blimey, a castle.’

‘No, no. Seventeenth century brick and timber jobbie, with legendary Civil War connections, changed hands several times between Royalists and Parliamentarians. Full of damp basements and places of concealment. Semi-fortified, would be the correct terminology I suppose. The moat is a rectangular thingy, with a nice decorated drawbridge - any modern pole-vaulter worth his salt could get across it. Cat never did of course, lost a couple of his nine lives in the attempt. They’re the injuries he’s most reticent about. What are you staring like that for?’

‘It’s all coming out now, there’s a deep strain of madness running through the whole damned lot of you.’

‘I say! Good old British eccentricity if you please.’

‘Wait a second, the water goes right up to the wall, right? What’s the point...’

‘Ah, but the moat, strictly speaking, is the trench, with sloping sides. It has to have otherwise it would undermine the foundations of the building, it’s only in modern times with an abundant, year-long supply of water, that you have this illusion of this great water barrier.’

‘Er...’

‘I’ll text him, enquire after the health of his folks.’

A while later. ‘Ah ha, a reply, “sorry to have been out of touch”, “been isolating with Ma and Pa, they quite fit”, “had a bit of a mishap, fixing the...” Oh, good lord!’

‘What?’

‘Er, oh, right, “mishap, fixing the weather vane on top of the bell tower.” “was abseiling down when foot went through one of the decorated windows.”

‘Is he badly hurt?’

‘Oh, no. “Been spending my time with the glass people at the cathedral”.

‘Which cathedral?’

‘He means Lincoln. The house is a good sixty road miles away, but Lincoln was once the largest diocese in country, he gave me a tour years ago, quite fun being on the roof. Rather my favourite gothic building.’

‘I know it. My father really is crazy religious - along with his group of Christian lawyers, he dragged me everywhere.’

‘Oh, really.’

‘Cat must have been defying the pandemic rules all over the place!’

‘How does one fix a stained-glass window anyway?’

‘Well don’t look at me. I’ve just spent countless days staring at them!’

49: Obsequies for an aunt

The double doors of the larger chapel were thrown open, the opening number of my playlist of music clearly audible. The funeral director had marshalled all those who had insisted, come what may, on being there, into a socially distanced line either side of the cortege. I walked alone. Thankfully it became obvious who I should invite to join me inside. The doors remained open.

As we left the chapel, I mumbled through my mask: ‘Mr Murchison, my apologies, I always assumed I’d be running around trying to organise a much grander affair. There was a notice but, I’ve not even attempted to contact many, they’d just have had to be turned away.’

‘I was very attached to your aunt, such a remarkable woman in many ways. She put up such a front to the world. I flatter myself I was able to breakdown her defences; I shall always remember our afternoons on the patio.’

‘I, er, I’m sure you were a great support to her.’

‘You must introduce me properly to your girl Sparkwell sometime, I’m sure we have much to discuss, matters of mutual interest.’

‘That wasn’t a funeral, that was a guard of honour.’

‘Yes. Yes, you're right. Bizarre, but strangely appropriate.’

‘Did you love her?’

‘Love, hate, who can tell? We were tied for life, she was always there in the background, lurking.’

‘You’ll miss her.’

‘Yes, but all said and done I prefer you as my moral compass.’

‘She was always giving me instruction in your wellbeing.’

‘I can imagine.’

‘She took it for granted I’d comply and stick around, for the foreseeable - as you might say.’

‘Just one thing, promise me you’ll grow more like me and not more like her!’

The following day we made a second visit to the Villa. ‘I want to walk you through everywhere. Rummage a bit. Fact is, I’ve had an email from Bernard Merriweather saying I should turn-up next week for a reading of the Will. I don’t know what’s in it, I don’t even know who the executor is. It’s quite possible I didn’t know auntie as well as I thought. Murchison made a couple of cryptic comments yesterday which I didn’t quite follow. This might be the last time we have free unfettered access, legally speaking.’

‘I hope she leaves you the house, on condition you live here and hang her portrait at the end of the corridor, just there, so every time you...’

‘Okay, sorry for laughing at you.’

‘You want sex?’

‘What!’

‘You said it might be the last time…’

‘I’ll pass on that one, I’ll gamble on there being, another time.’

‘When was the house built?’

‘I would guess, eighteen sixties or seventies, I was wrong to call it Edwardian, I think it must have been earlier, built to accommodate the ever-growing middle classes, the clerical class and the growing number of small business owners pushing the products of industrialisation. So, servants would come in by day, perhaps a cook and a maid. Their domain would’ve been the kitchen and the pantry.’

‘Did you actually stay here at all?’

‘Oh yes, when not at school, fifty-fifty split between here and Checkley. Quite a lonely place at times, only one of the four bedrooms occupied full-time, as it were. The garden was the centre of activity, veg garden beyond the bower, pantry door always open, tea on the lawn.’

‘All this furniture is old, was it handed down?’

‘Yes, sort of. Uncle Thomas had the property modernised in the sixties, but kept and renovated what remained of all the original fixtures and fittings, all the Victorian versions of fitted cupboards etc. Then, it was furnished with bits pinched from all the Trust properties Auntie had grown up knowing.’

‘Pinched?’

‘Well, you know how dominating she could be. I think she must have marched-in on quite a few sitting tenants and removed items they thought were theirs, for the use of, as long as the rent was paid!’

‘You are quite like her really.’

‘I beg your pardon! Would you care to explain that last remark?’

‘Well, grafting quite hard and doing what it takes - to hang on to the past. Like, continuity, traditional values.’

‘Oh, okay, that’s all right then.’

‘She even accepted you putting it about a bit, in a, “that’s what blokes do”, kind of a way. Just thought it had gone on too long.’

‘Where did that come from? Just for the record, Charlie, I’ve been a serial monogamist, I’ve never been unfaithful.’

‘This character looks a bit like you, who is he?’

‘That’s father. Look in the background, that’s the apartments as a building site.’

‘Oh, yes…’

Having persuaded my fellow investors in the Park development company and the key committee members of the club, that now was an ideal moment to switch our marketing strategy from protecting a private hideaway, to advertising ourselves as a commercial concern - albeit a very exclusive one - I proceeded to do a one-man virtual re-launch. Armed only with the Park and the club mailing lists, I signposted everyone to Twitter, Facebook and YouTube accounts. From there they could get to the website and if members, to their own portal. Forty-eight hours later I posted on Twitter and Facebook a forthcoming live-streamed event!

‘Wow!’

‘Wow indeed.’ It gives one a ridiculous sense of power operating from one’s own media suite, set-up as if presiding from the platform of the Park ballroom to a packed audience of virtual attendees.

‘What do I do?’

‘Stand off camera, sign-in with your tablet now. We go live in five minutes.’

‘You’ve put me in the front row, I don’t want to be in the front row. I should be off to one side, surveying all, covering your back.’

‘Explore touchscreen from that page.’

‘Oh my God, I’m half way to the ceiling now.’

‘Okay, so you have privileged administrator access to today’s event, everyone else can only change their seat - just the perspective really - within the seating area. You, can go where you like. But you’ll only be seen by anyone if you walk into shot here on Camera One.’

Inevitably it was but a matter of moments before she switched to a fixed grip and by exploiting tilt, was dancing around the room. ‘Going live, five, four...’ I warned her.

The event was, by necessity, really just a modest student induction-like session, but to get there at all - signing-in and loading portal - involved them all in a twenty second compulsory viewing of a walk into the virtual club. Fin had managed to catch, and edit in, Charlie in uniform, doing one of her “step this way, sir” type silent gestures.

All went according to plan, though rather boringly, until the Q & A. Instinctively I punched in Barmy first, who’s avatar I’d registered in my periphery. A safe place to begin I reasoned, can’t go wrong with him, after all he’s far more accomplished at this game than I am... Within a few seconds I realised I was about to be totally upstaged. As he asked his long serious question, somehow his camera slowly zoomed-out revealing more and more grey, then blue sky, then a faded in roaring clatter sound as the dark menacing shape of a Royal Marine attack helicopter appeared to hover, insect-like over his right shoulder.

The only other incident of note, came at the very end when I felt duty bound to allow Tuffy a question. ‘Where’s Charlotte?’

Charlie reacted as if talking to Julia or Uncle, standing behind me and leaning over; ‘Hi everybody,’ she said, waving at the camera. But of course, she wasn’t in uniform, she was in her yoga kit, with a top that owed more to the fashion designer’s crayon than the practical practitioner, the real illusion was suddenly shattered by a virtual, exaggerated cleavage!

48: A bubble in the country

‘A jolly decent chap.’

‘Who?’

‘The assistant coroner I’ve just been speaking to. When I asked him specific questions, he gave straight answers, and when I didn’t ask, he stuck to giving me the minimum necessary details.’

‘So, who else have you managed to talk to?’

‘Births, deaths, and marriages, auntie’s vicarage and the only funeral director I know.’

‘And the answer is?’

‘Still not sure, a few more complications. Yes, auntie always did want to be buried alongside my uncle Thomas but that’s not going to happen, the funeral director suggested scattering her ashes at his graveside. I’m to email details ahead of time to the registry office to minimise contact when actually there. Right, time to check-out the Villa and see if I can confirm my memory of some of those details. I have the spare keys, I’ll drive.’

‘I’m afraid I’m going to immediately disrespect her memory by parking out the front because we have no choice but to use the front door!’

‘Do you know where to look for stuff?’

‘Well, I know where she did her letters, I’m hoping everything will be at arm’s reach. She didn’t drive and in recent years didn’t travel - an original copy of the birth certificate is of course what they’d be delighted to see. I would too, come to that, given their system is designed around them, connecting automatically to her marriage certificate and the whole family tree - that’s according to what I’ve read about research in Uncle’s account of his family. Compatible with census data and the War Graves Commission...’

‘Enough. Come on, time to move.’

‘Take a walk around, I’m sure there are bits of the house you haven’t seen yet.’

‘Okay.’

I settled myself down at the Aunt’s fold-down desk, part of a larger cabinet in her living room. Thankfully it wasn’t that old, otherwise I’d have been looking for hidden cachets! Presumably it was close, but not obvious.

‘Oh, really, this is too easy’, I spoke aloud a few moments later, as my hand came to rest on an envelope taped to the bottom of the shelf, accessed via the upper most draw below. ‘And, one green marriage certificate too, both in a traditional legal envelope. Bravo.’

I was awoken from a bit of a trance by a sudden exclamation from the floor above. ‘Oh my God. Tony!’ I moved as swiftly as I could. When I saw what had caused such alarm, I had to laugh.

‘It’s not funny, it’s spooky!’

‘You need the landing light on to fully appreciate it. There you go.’

‘Well, that’s better, just. Who painted it?’

‘Quite a distinguished RA I was always told.’

‘I’d have refused to pay the bill!’

‘All in the eye of the beholder, she and Uncle Thomas loved it, been there as long as I can remember, shown off to all comers.’

‘How old was she?’

‘Twenty-five-ish, I think.’

‘She didn’t change much did she!’

‘As a child I thought the eyes followed me around the room.’

A few days later we headed into the countryside. As we entered Checkley, as usual by the back door, laden with our modest baggage, we were expecting to see only the empty cavernous hallway with the familiar stone tiles. Instead, we were met by the sight of a voluminous pile of delivery boxes and our hosts standing rather formally to greet us. Julia took a step forward; ‘Tony, my darling, what can I say.’ We hugged awhile. ‘Damn it, she’s left me to cope with you alone. What am I to do with him Charlie?’

‘Fear not, madam. I’ll see there’s no backsliding.’

‘Ha! What did I tell you my dear? “Charlotte will see us right”. Now then young man, what is the meaning of all this?’ So said Uncle pointing at the accumulated deliveries.

‘My gift to you, giving you hands-on control of the Park, and your family history activities. Whilst Julia, can spend as much time on The Countrywoman as she likes.’

‘And you think you can set it all up for us, demonstrate it to us without causing mass disruption and headaches all round.’

‘I know I can.’

‘Is he shooting his mouth off again Charlotte?’

‘He’s put my treatment room online, plus got the new Park development website up and running already, and he’s negotiating with the club staff and committee members for a portal within the same site. He’s making offers people can’t resist all over the place.’

‘But can we trust him?’

‘Well, he’s been teaching me from the off, that it’s better to assume you can’t trust anyone.’

‘Okay, okay. Now, may I have permission to raid your cellar, for the benefit of all of us?’

‘Of course, Tony,’ said Julia, ‘I’ll come with you, you’ll need help carrying what we need!’

‘So, what do you make of all this modelling?’

‘Oh, I’m inclined to stick with real history. The last time, almost exactly a century ago, conflict in Europe was followed by a pandemic followed by the roaring twenties and prosperity all round.'

‘You’ve always behaved as if you were living the jazz age all over again!’

‘Oh, thank you very much - one tries to maintain a certain style, certain standards.’

‘Do you think our Prime Minister is thinking of the history books?’

‘Buffy, let me tell you, has always wanted to be a legend in his own lunchtime, but yes, he has an eye to history too.’

‘Is he the balls-up, or is it his officials?’

‘Oh, I think he must have realised he’d been stitched-up in the first five minutes.’

‘Really?’

‘Big data, being what it is, the voting patterns from the Brexit vote and the general election, plus records of trade union membership and affiliation mean, it’s a statistical certainty that almost everyone Buffy has to rely on is an opposition-voting remoaner! Plus, the added nightmare of the medical profession - doctors who didn’t become surgeons, or GP’s, or even psychiatrists, but went in for health education, preventive health. And ably assisted by university epidemiologists. Four out five university lecturers and researchers in the social sciences, health sciences, arts and literature - not to mention the educationalists themselves - are openly, of the Left. And it makes no difference even if these people think they are being strict with themselves about traditional civil service ethics of impartiality. Think about it, every single official has from day one of their working lives been working with EU directives handed down from above. And yet, we know that over the last ten years voters have been slowly but surely been moving to the Right. The entire elite is being anti-democratic, simply by carrying on doing what they normally do. Buffy, and his band of brothers, his happy few, probably don’t even have the relevant facts placed before them with which to balls it up!’

‘And this is the man Tony calls his arch enemy! Since school, apparently. More wine anyone?’

A while later. ‘If I might just call this meeting to order.’ Said Julia. ‘Just what precisely is in those boxes in the hall?’

‘Right then. You know how you originally had your “his and hers” desks set-up facing each other in the library...’

‘They still are.’

‘Quite. But back in the day, you sat opposite each other doing your letters and general administrating etc. All the while staring lovingly into each other’s, what’s its...’

‘What a soppy couple you make us sound.’

‘Well, you each now have matching, large 16:9 ratio monitors, but supported just a few centimetres off the desk top, so you should still be able to make eye contact over the top. Now the point is, they are naturally suited to having two adjoining, full-sized pages of a magazine or an A4 sized report, or book even - open at the same time. Editing, Cattle Rustlers and Courtiers perhaps, checking proofs of next month’s edition of The Countrywoman on the same system as the printers will be using. Am I making sense?’

‘Go on.’

‘In addition, you can log-in to the new websites of your respective organisations, participate as members of the club. Zoom Charlotte and I - or anybody else, in full Technicolor as you say. Add items to the agenda of the next meeting of the whatever. Plus, everything you normally do online. I should just say, I’ve tried to anticipate, so put-up various personal descriptors of you, profile pictures etc. But of course, all of that you can change, as owners there is no level of the sites you cannot access, assess and upon which - assert your wishes. Comprehend?’

‘Yes. I think so.’

‘Finally, complementary “his and hers” tablets and mobiles which I’ll fully synchronise to the PCs, but leave in their boxes. It’s only the PCs you’ll have to use.’

‘Must have cost you a pretty penny?’

‘Ah! Yes. You won’t be bothered by having to pay for any systems, subscriptions, accidental damage, cock-ups - on account of the fact, that the whole lot, is, strictly speaking, the property of the Trust.’

47: Sparkwell's virtual world

Legally speaking, we were pushing it. Sparkwell and I moved stealthily around the club interior for the better part of a day in the company of a long-time, tech savvy associate, one Fin Heptonstall, hired exclusively for six weeks, with the promise of another month or so of work developing a second website, if all went well with the Park. Charlie was tasked with dressing and lighting the set. I set to, creating a roaring fire with the idea that it should be the focus of the whole experience. Wood that had been a bit green at Christmas, now looked, felt and smelt much more useful.

‘My point is, Fin, this is only going to be seen by members, people very familiar with this lounge, the bar, dining area, spa, games room and the ballroom; the extremely distorted perspective of a Google, just won’t do. Equally, the ambience must be of an escape from the mad world outside. So, even if you end up with something more modest, like just one or two static viewpoints in each room, the realism of traditional photography is all. See what I mean?’

‘Sure, actually, that’s an editing problem, doesn’t effect what I do today, today I just do everything from the user’s, member’s point of view to the highest speed and fidelity I can, leaving maximum choice in the editing. Wow! How do you do that?’ I’d shocked him by making the fire so quickly, judging the draft just right. There is no better hypnotic than an open wood fire, nothing more natural.

I helped Fin unload from his van. The kit all seemed a bit Heath Robinson to me, but he declared that the trick was to mount the roving-eyed camera and gyroscopic what’s-it atop a movie industry standard, steady-cam support. ‘Now what I’m going to do is a comprehensive, all spaces thing first, then ask you to show me four or five typical walks through the building, where you’d stop, where you’d sit etc. All done to and from the fire, I think?’

‘What an excellent idea.’

Fin became particularly excited when he saw the ballroom all lit up. Charlie had made sure it was all in conference mode, with the slightly elevated stage and the screen behind. ‘Can you green-screen yourself at home?’

‘Er, only in a very limited sense, like a head and shoulders shot at my desk. Medium close-up, local newsreader style.’

‘Still, you could do a sort of Big Brother, message from your leader thing, seen from the back row here it would give the illusion of big screen cinema.’

‘Not really my style, I leave that kind of thing to Buffy Trumpton.’

‘Of course, you know him don’t you. Is he a bit of a fascist then?’

‘Oh no, he lacks the intolerance that comes with an ideology. No, Buffy is a naughty boy, not a crook. He’s also lucky. Happy to be thought of as a buffoon. But above all willing to go where angels fear to tread. Who dares wins - but a bit shaky as to where he wants to get to, and certainly no map reader!’

A day or so later at the apartment, Charlie commented; ‘We seem busier than ever, whilst the rest of the world is coming to halt.’

‘There are two sorts of people as far as I can tell. Those who see uninvited change as an opportunity to up their game and those who just want to huddle down.’

‘I think it’s becoming about insiders and outsiders, mind you the insiders rely a lot on their cars.’

‘A lot of driving around but not really going anywhere you mean?’

‘And a sort of superior designer mask when visiting the one-stop out of town shopping experience.’

‘The media talks a lot about the mental health implications of isolation, they don’t seem too worried about not being able to read others emotions through a mask!’

‘You can tell a lot from gait, even the way people point their feet.’

‘True.’

‘Julia! What’s the problem? You’ve gone quiet.’

‘Why do you look like you’re in a high definition, Technicolor version of your flat, whilst I look like I’m on grainy old black and white tv?’

‘Because you’re trying to run Windows 10 on a knackered machine, which won’t even accept the full standard package.’

‘Why do we have to do things like this anyway, what’s wrong with the telephone or writing letters?’

‘Because I’m going to tell you how, with your cooperation, I’m going to save your magazine and not leave you to go into debt. That fifty grand you stung me for a year and a half ago, will not be in vain. And what’s more, as soon as possible, I’ll personally come down and upgrade the two of you whether you like it or not!’

‘Oh lord. We don’t take kindly to being instructed, especially at our age.’

‘For goodness sake, this is twenty-twenty and you’ve only just turning sixty.’

‘Yes, but all this technology makes us nervous. I know what you’re going to suggest, our printers have been saying for years that the website and an app should be our main source of revenue, with a print edition half the size and with a much smaller run. I know some people think it’s already too late. We can’t even get our own .com name apparently.’

‘Julia, I hate to tell you this but, the Trust acquired thecountrywoman.com and crawfordspa.com years ago!’

‘I’m a bit nervous about this online consultation you think I can do.’ So said Charlie sat at my desk having just ended skyping a friend.

‘I think it’s all about creating the right atmosphere and getting the psychology right. I think you should work from your chair in the treatment room, when it’s alongside your table, as if you were working on someone’s hands. We set up Camera Two, fairly close-up, but a wide enough angle to see all the familiar stuff the client sees when settling down on the table. The background music can play as usual because it’s always behind you anyway, so the levels should be right when you speak, in fact start the music before connecting with the client. You, no matter what you see or hear from the monitor, carry-on in normal treatment room mode. See where I’m going with this?’

‘A person that I already know, looks weird on screen...’

‘And that might have nothing to do with their state of mind or physical condition in the here and now.’

‘But, oh god, if I instinctivly adjust my behaviour to what I see, they’ll experience what’s normally comforting as discomforting.’

‘I think so, that’s what we need to practice, me from here, you in the treatment room.’

‘They want the same feelings they always get.’

‘Yeah, you change nothing, they want to see you in your normal environment, doing your usual things, that’s what will be therapeutic. But you may not see a meaningful response, you may not register any of the normal positive feedback.’

So, we experimented. ‘It would be better if I saw no picture at all, just audio, the tone of voice, the way people say things.’

‘Yes, but believe me it’s only a question of practice, the brain uses selective attention all the time, it has too, you just have to consciously hack it for a while until it becomes a habit.’

‘Well not too much. If we self-isolate from each other we’ll be crazy within days!’

Then my mobile rang. ‘I see. ..Right. ..Well, thank you for letting me know.’

Charlie had returned from the treatment room. ‘Hospital?’

‘She’s worse, organs failing, end of life stuff, apparently they were going to try for some kind of emergency transfer somewhere, but she gave clear instructions not to. They all think they’ve all got it, but everyone is responding differently. I’d better do a bit of a ring round.’

46: The gathering storm

‘A little early for sowing grass seed surely?’ So said Uncle peering out from the veranda bar at the Park.

‘Well, there’s unlikely to be a penetrating frost.’

‘But doing it, when the ground is so soft…’

‘No, no, matey has a high-tech golf course thingy, whereby the tractor can throw the seed without ever leaving the rough, apparently.’

‘Still, cost you a few thousand if you have to do the whole lot again.’

‘Fear not, the special funding is more than adequate. Fancy another?’

‘Why not.’ Replied Uncle.

Then Cat wandered in. ‘Your Lordship. What ho, Tony! Where on earth is everyone?’

‘Good question. Rory and Frimley, one imagines, are stalking the corridors of Whitehall, no doubt discussing the virtues of the double-breasted suit when they should be attending to the impending crises. Wooley, our man in the media, will certainly be focused on all the upheaval, ascertaining the views of his readership, better to direct his outrage. Barmy is on-board our latest aircraft carrier somewhere in the north Atlantic - probably Portsmouth harbour according to Daphne. Tuffy will be following Lady Victoria around, everywhere!’

‘And the redoubtable?’ Asked Uncle.

‘About ten minutes away I trust, she commandeered my car for an overnight stay with her home-counties parents, something about getting the remainder of her kit from the loft.’

Then a man who did prime minister impressions came on the telly and announced a national lockdown.

‘I say, this is all getting a bit thick.’ Exclaimed Cat.

‘Isn’t it just.’

‘Does he mean us?’

‘He means everybody, I should give some thought as to where you intend to hole-up.’

‘Difficult to take a chap seriously when you remember him all spotty and with ink-stained fingers.’

‘Or reciting Homer, dressed in only a bedsheet...’ Suddenly I was conscious of the bar beginning to fill up, so I beat a hasty retreat to the carpark, there to await Charlotte and do a bit of quick thinking.

‘What’s on your mind?’

‘Blimey, how did you slip in without me noticing?’

‘I was already here.’

‘Oh, right. Hear the news?’

‘On the radio. No doubt you’ve already formulated a plan.’

‘Well not really, other than to postpone the turf laying on the greens.’

‘Will the Park close?’

‘Yes, almost certainly, but I do have one idea about the club.’

‘Come on then, I’ve cleared a space on the passenger seat.’

For a two-seater sports, it was remarkable how much Charlie had managed to cram in, it took several trips to unload at the apartment. ‘Might one enquire the nature of the items within these dusty boxes? Childhood treasures perhaps?’

‘A few, maybe. Mainly college stuff. Old clothes. Won’t be half as much once I’ve sorted it all, lots can go to the night shelter shop.’

‘I’ve been meaning to say, since the shelter is your main charity thing, we could get organised and throw the weight of the Trust behind them. You might suggest to whoever heads it up, to work up a proposal to put before the trustees.’

‘Really? Actually, I think he has a sort of regular presentation, a PowerPoint he hawks around.’

‘In fact, we the trustees, could insist that you act on our behalf and take a seat on their board, committee - whatever.’

‘There’s something I have to tell you. Well two things really. You know Captain Bob?’

‘The old relic who’s forever sitting at the outside tables of your old place of employment?’

‘He used to be my landlord.’

‘But I thought he was hard up, living on some old tub, forever in trouble with the harbour authorities over mooring fees or whatever. What are you smirking for?’

‘Ah ha! So, the great Sherlock can be deceived by appearances!’

‘Clearly I’m not close enough to the street.’

‘His yacht, pride of the marina, cost almost two million - twenty years ago!’

‘Gor-blimey, Govnor! In that case how could you afford one of the state rooms?’

‘He took pity on me when I was on my beam ends.’

‘He taught you all the nautical jargon then?’

‘He taught me a lot of things.’

‘Oh yes?’

‘The thing is, he was the one who told me who you were. One night on deck, he said; “You’d never guess that Tony you flirt with at the cafe lives in one of the flats in that terrace”.’

‘I see. But there really is some sort of dispute about his spot in the harbour.’

‘Yes. He refuses to pay the top level of rent, believes everyone should pay a flat fee, set at the lowest level. Says that ultimately, it’s just a money raising scam by the council, since everyone gets the same sized berth, the same service - or rather non-service!’

‘Right.’

‘But he takes the moral high ground, since he is the largest donor to the night shelter, dwarfing the council’s contribution, which is just discounted rent and rates, plus bugger all done about maintaining the building.’

‘You said there were two things.’

‘Father. He’s obviously been researching you. He was fishing about, “any marriage plans”, seems you get his approval. Wanted to assure me he’d be willing to fork-out, if everything was done properly. Seen to be done properly more like, he belongs to a group of Christian lawyers.’

‘Oh, really.’

Later that day, coming in from the kitchen with Tea, Charlie declared; ‘You look pensive.’

‘Yes, rummy phone call as Uncle might say. I’ve just been speaking to the hospital; they’ve put me off again. The first time they just advised don’t visit now because she has some sort of infection and the physio has not really got going. Now, they say visitors are prohibited full stop, auntie’s infection hasn’t improved, but they can’t say whether it’s covid-19 because they haven’t been able to test.’

‘Not good.’

‘She can’t go to the General because it’s full, but she does get oxygen from time to time.’

‘How old is she, precisely?’

‘Seventy-nine. I don’t know what to think, I don’t even know if they’ve got all the protective gear that they’re all talking about.’

A few days later we had our first masked intruder, Tuffy looked ridiculous on camera. ‘Let him in, for now.’

He was clearly agitated. ‘I’ll kill him!’

‘Calm yourself, old friend of my youth.’

‘It’s a vendetta, he’s always had it in for me, now he’s drunk with power.’

‘You can’t seriously believe the purpose of the lockdown is to put the kibosh on your wedding arrangements.’

‘How did you know I was... Worst of it is, Victoria thinks I should be able to use my influence to get some kind of exemption.’

‘But that’s just Vic taking the piss out of you, surely?’

‘What can you mean?’

‘Er, well anyway, I’m sure Charlie has a fix, ah yes, talk of the devil.’

‘If you’d care to step this way Mr Tufnell, sir’

‘Feel better?’

‘Much. I’ve never Skyped or Zoomed!’

‘Really?’

‘Charlotte says she’s only offering online support from now on.’

‘Well yes, I mean strictly speaking you shouldn’t be here right now, should you?’

‘I suppose not, do you really have to close the club?’

‘We just need to move online, that’s my plan anyway.’

‘How on earth?’

‘Well, if I can recruit the right person, and I think I can, then it’ll be a new pucka website for the Park. It will be fully interactive, the club members portal will have a forum with any kind of posting and video conferencing, the Games Room becomes at least one exclusive online game, links to key sports - if they happen! Daily email newsletter drawing everyone in, but best of all, if I look sharp about it, there is still time to scan the club interior in the latest 3D fashion.’

‘Why do that?’

‘So you, get the illusion that everything is happening from your favourite comfy chair in the lounge or stool in the bar. Come to think of it, I’ll try getting the conference area done too - that would place anybody in the audience for anything!’