52: The final problem

‘I’ve just had a shock, two shocks in fact.’ So said Charlie as she came through the front door.

‘Sit down, I’ll make some of your special tea.’

A few minutes later. ‘There you go. In your own time, as they say.’

‘You know the other week I went to the surgery for the introductory interrogation after registering with your Doc.’

‘Yes.’

‘Well, I got on quite well with the nurse, so I kind of just let her get on with it, let her poke about, check-out whatever, send for testing etc.’

‘Yes.’

‘Today, they sent me to the clinic for the results. They wanted to double check a few things, I ended up talking it all through with the specialist for about half an hour! They think I should be using some form of artificial contraception because I could get up the duff at any time.’

‘And this after you’d explained your entire history, again. So, what did you say?’

‘I just said I’d do things my own way thank you very much. Then she suggested counselling on account of either I was unconsciously avoiding doing anything that would up my chances of getting knocked-up or, simply using unreliable methods of contraception and being irresponsible. What do you think?’

‘I think modern medicine has very little in common with hard evolutionary genetic science, nor is it the wisdom of our ancient ancestors! Do as you like, I’ll go with any outcome. Although, as I’ve implied before, if you were inclined towards motherhood, I’d be quite prepared to facilitate the grandest and most traditional of weddings, and use the resources of the Trust to secure the health and happiness of our offspring.’

‘How grand?’

‘Now you’re asking the right questions. The cathedral with the bishop presiding. Didn’t you say a while ago your father had some such idea in mind?’

‘Not even he could pull that one off, he’s not that influential. His Lawyers as Christians thing is pretty small fry.’

‘Then he’d have to ask for some local help.’

‘You?’

‘No, but perhaps one of our local country bumpkin solicitors and his sidekick.’

‘Really, is this something to do with the Trust?’

‘No, no. But Bernard and Brinkley do provide certain services to the diocese in matters temporal. Your father might find them uniquely placed to affect the desired outcome. Cat Macintosh may despair at the woke-ness of the Church of England in spiritual matters, but they remain quite traditional when it comes to certain aspects of their governance, their property, and land.’

‘You’ve thought this through!’

‘I confess, certain possible scenarios have flittered across my mind in idle moments since I was able to link your father to Bernard.’

‘Don’t tell me, father prosecuted him and crushed him in court.’

‘Apparently. But, all rather neat don’t you think? You take your father for a shed load of cash; he thinks his problem is finally off his hands.’

‘But seriously, is there anything about me that would suggest I’d make a good mother?’

‘Not right now perhaps, but if you did become, with child, there’s no knowing how your brain and body would react, almost instantly. But anyway, you said you’d had two shocks.’

‘Oh, yes. Coming back in just now from the other direction I walked along the front of the terrace. Suddenly I thought I was going to have a heart attack. One of the front doors banged open, on to the street, like the wrong way. You said they were all sealed up to make larger apartments.’

‘Oh lord. Yes. Sorry, I should have explained.’

‘And out flies Jim all masked-up with a black sack over his shoulder big enough to hold a body. God!’

‘Yeah, there’s two of them, one towards each end. Additional fire exits from way back. But these days they’re nowhere near the official mustering point, so, not advised for use.’

The following day I decided to take advantage of the partial relaxation in covid-19 rules, to get a haircut. ‘I’m only off to the barbers for a good trim, shouldn’t be more than an hour.’

‘Hang-on, I’ll come with you, I need the exercise.’ As soon as we were outside, she asked; ‘Where do you usually go?’

‘Only to Alex’s around the corner.’

‘I couldn’t recommend them, sir.’

‘What do you mean, you “couldn’t recommend them”, I’ve been going there for years!’

‘For a gentleman of your description.’

‘And just what do you mean by a “gentleman of my description”?’

‘Well, your hair is older than your body now. With most people it’s the other way around. If you care to follow me, just a short way up the town, I’m sure I could get you a quick consultation with Margot, the hair magician.’

‘You want it really short. Un-comb-able, you mean.’

‘Oh no, well not necessarily, just whatever she recommends.’

‘You want me to place myself in the hands of an unknown crimper?’

‘Only unknown to you!’

‘This feels like a major concession to me, another stage in your rise to total domination over my dominion.’

‘You, want something in return.’

‘There you go, thinking several moves ahead now!’

‘Well?’

‘I want you to sit down with pen and paper and write me a mission statement. Just a hundred and fifty or two hundred words, a first draft to give the direction of travel.’

‘What are you talking about?’

‘I want you to imagine you are the chief executive of a charitable trust, with a mass of property assets, including nearly a thousand acres of productive land and tens of millions in cash and investments. I want to know what you personally, given the world you live in, think the priorities of such an organisation should be.’

‘And you’ll submit to having your head restyled?’

‘Of course.’

‘Done.’

‘Fact is, pretty soon I’m going to have to concede, to the Trust having a proper Board of Trustees, with a variety of expertises. It’s just too big for one person to effectively control, soon it will attract more attention from various government agencies, plus if I am to be the end of the line, well, let’s see how much influence we can have over a future we won’t be a part of!’

‘We’re here.’

‘Once more into breach, summon up the blood, etcetera!’

‘Can one get attention in this sparkling emporium without an appointment?’ No sooner had I mumbled these words to my companion, than a majestic lady of middle age approached.

‘Oh, my goodness! Charlotte. It’s been a while, is this your new chap?’

‘Margot, Tony. Tony, Margot.’

‘I’ve given over control of my hair to Charlie here, she says I must let you do whatever you will with it.’

‘I say, you are serious about him darling! Who’d have thought. Take a seat for a while, I’ll finish up with my client and have a think about your problem.’

We were left to admire the surroundings.

‘So, you want to start thinking about the future of the Trust now, so the right people get to be Trustees?’

‘Sure, and who is allowed to just advise and who has to share legal responsibility for its conduct.’

‘But if I just dropped a couple of kids for you, we could all go on enjoying a grand country living?’

‘The two aren’t mutually exclusive.’

‘Charlotte! Let’s have your lad over here.’ Once seated, with the two of them peering at the back of my head and Margot using her comb to explore, like the school nit nurse, I realised I was no longer in control - of anything in my life. ‘As you know from your massage darling, nothing really grows symmetrically, see, thinning more on that side.’ I tuned-out, focused solely on the breath, letting go of the good thoughts as well as the unwelcome. ‘I can do this all in five minutes with just the scissors, then you must use the home shaving kit to remove as much of his body hair as you require.’

(End of Book One - this blog will return, sometime, maybe...)