‘A little early for sowing grass seed surely?’ So said Uncle peering out from the veranda bar at the Park.
‘Well, there’s unlikely to be a penetrating frost.’
‘But doing it, when the ground is so soft…’
‘No, no, matey has a high-tech golf course thingy, whereby the tractor can throw the seed without ever leaving the rough, apparently.’
‘Still, cost you a few thousand if you have to do the whole lot again.’
‘Fear not, the special funding is more than adequate. Fancy another?’
‘Why not.’ Replied Uncle.
Then Cat wandered in. ‘Your Lordship. What ho, Tony! Where on earth is everyone?’
‘Good question. Rory and Frimley, one imagines, are stalking the corridors of Whitehall, no doubt discussing the virtues of the double-breasted suit when they should be attending to the impending crises. Wooley, our man in the media, will certainly be focused on all the upheaval, ascertaining the views of his readership, better to direct his outrage. Barmy is on-board our latest aircraft carrier somewhere in the north Atlantic - probably Portsmouth harbour according to Daphne. Tuffy will be following Lady Victoria around, everywhere!’
‘And the redoubtable?’ Asked Uncle.
‘About ten minutes away I trust, she commandeered my car for an overnight stay with her home-counties parents, something about getting the remainder of her kit from the loft.’
Then a man who did prime minister impressions came on the telly and announced a national lockdown.
‘I say, this is all getting a bit thick.’ Exclaimed Cat.
‘Isn’t it just.’
‘Does he mean us?’
‘He means everybody, I should give some thought as to where you intend to hole-up.’
‘Difficult to take a chap seriously when you remember him all spotty and with ink-stained fingers.’
‘Or reciting Homer, dressed in only a bedsheet...’ Suddenly I was conscious of the bar beginning to fill up, so I beat a hasty retreat to the carpark, there to await Charlotte and do a bit of quick thinking.
‘What’s on your mind?’
‘Blimey, how did you slip in without me noticing?’
‘I was already here.’
‘Oh, right. Hear the news?’
‘On the radio. No doubt you’ve already formulated a plan.’
‘Well not really, other than to postpone the turf laying on the greens.’
‘Will the Park close?’
‘Yes, almost certainly, but I do have one idea about the club.’
‘Come on then, I’ve cleared a space on the passenger seat.’
For a two-seater sports, it was remarkable how much Charlie had managed to cram in, it took several trips to unload at the apartment. ‘Might one enquire the nature of the items within these dusty boxes? Childhood treasures perhaps?’
‘A few, maybe. Mainly college stuff. Old clothes. Won’t be half as much once I’ve sorted it all, lots can go to the night shelter shop.’
‘I’ve been meaning to say, since the shelter is your main charity thing, we could get organised and throw the weight of the Trust behind them. You might suggest to whoever heads it up, to work up a proposal to put before the trustees.’
‘Really? Actually, I think he has a sort of regular presentation, a PowerPoint he hawks around.’
‘In fact, we the trustees, could insist that you act on our behalf and take a seat on their board, committee - whatever.’
‘There’s something I have to tell you. Well two things really. You know Captain Bob?’
‘The old relic who’s forever sitting at the outside tables of your old place of employment?’
‘He used to be my landlord.’
‘But I thought he was hard up, living on some old tub, forever in trouble with the harbour authorities over mooring fees or whatever. What are you smirking for?’
‘Ah ha! So, the great Sherlock can be deceived by appearances!’
‘Clearly I’m not close enough to the street.’
‘His yacht, pride of the marina, cost almost two million - twenty years ago!’
‘Gor-blimey, Govnor! In that case how could you afford one of the state rooms?’
‘He took pity on me when I was on my beam ends.’
‘He taught you all the nautical jargon then?’
‘He taught me a lot of things.’
‘Oh yes?’
‘The thing is, he was the one who told me who you were. One night on deck, he said; “You’d never guess that Tony you flirt with at the cafe lives in one of the flats in that terrace”.’
‘I see. But there really is some sort of dispute about his spot in the harbour.’
‘Yes. He refuses to pay the top level of rent, believes everyone should pay a flat fee, set at the lowest level. Says that ultimately, it’s just a money raising scam by the council, since everyone gets the same sized berth, the same service - or rather non-service!’
‘Right.’
‘But he takes the moral high ground, since he is the largest donor to the night shelter, dwarfing the council’s contribution, which is just discounted rent and rates, plus bugger all done about maintaining the building.’
‘You said there were two things.’
‘Father. He’s obviously been researching you. He was fishing about, “any marriage plans”, seems you get his approval. Wanted to assure me he’d be willing to fork-out, if everything was done properly. Seen to be done properly more like, he belongs to a group of Christian lawyers.’
‘Oh, really.’
Later that day, coming in from the kitchen with Tea, Charlie declared; ‘You look pensive.’
‘Yes, rummy phone call as Uncle might say. I’ve just been speaking to the hospital; they’ve put me off again. The first time they just advised don’t visit now because she has some sort of infection and the physio has not really got going. Now, they say visitors are prohibited full stop, auntie’s infection hasn’t improved, but they can’t say whether it’s covid-19 because they haven’t been able to test.’
‘Not good.’
‘She can’t go to the General because it’s full, but she does get oxygen from time to time.’
‘How old is she, precisely?’
‘Seventy-nine. I don’t know what to think, I don’t even know if they’ve got all the protective gear that they’re all talking about.’
A few days later we had our first masked intruder, Tuffy looked ridiculous on camera. ‘Let him in, for now.’
He was clearly agitated. ‘I’ll kill him!’
‘Calm yourself, old friend of my youth.’
‘It’s a vendetta, he’s always had it in for me, now he’s drunk with power.’
‘You can’t seriously believe the purpose of the lockdown is to put the kibosh on your wedding arrangements.’
‘How did you know I was... Worst of it is, Victoria thinks I should be able to use my influence to get some kind of exemption.’
‘But that’s just Vic taking the piss out of you, surely?’
‘What can you mean?’
‘Er, well anyway, I’m sure Charlie has a fix, ah yes, talk of the devil.’
‘If you’d care to step this way Mr Tufnell, sir’
‘Feel better?’
‘Much. I’ve never Skyped or Zoomed!’
‘Really?’
‘Charlotte says she’s only offering online support from now on.’
‘Well yes, I mean strictly speaking you shouldn’t be here right now, should you?’
‘I suppose not, do you really have to close the club?’
‘We just need to move online, that’s my plan anyway.’
‘How on earth?’
‘Well, if I can recruit the right person, and I think I can, then it’ll be a new pucka website for the Park. It will be fully interactive, the club members portal will have a forum with any kind of posting and video conferencing, the Games Room becomes at least one exclusive online game, links to key sports - if they happen! Daily email newsletter drawing everyone in, but best of all, if I look sharp about it, there is still time to scan the club interior in the latest 3D fashion.’
‘Why do that?’
‘So you, get the illusion that everything is happening from your favourite comfy chair in the lounge or stool in the bar. Come to think of it, I’ll try getting the conference area done too - that would place anybody in the audience for anything!’
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