149: Honours

It had begun some weeks earlier with a letter, as is so often the way. ‘Your mail, sir.’ So said Charlie as the silver salver hoved into view.

‘Wait a second, it’s addressed to you!’

‘I know, I want you to open it, read it, explain it, it’s one of those palace things again, besides you’re the one with the posh letter opener that won’t spoil the envelope.’

‘Okay. Now relax on the chaise lounge, it can hardly be bad news.’ And after a thirty second perusal; ‘Congratulations, you have now risen to the second rung of official respectability. There’s probably another garden party in it, think of that.’

‘It’s a bit quick; it’s only a few years since...’

‘Well, if you will hob knob with all these royals, making yourself agreeable all over the place.’

Then a while later we went through the whole rigmarole again. ‘But this will just be the date to turn up at County Hall, or whatever.’ I spoke.

‘No, the envelope is even posher, different insignia.’

‘I see.’ Pause for even more careful opening. ‘Ah, yes. Well, one letter and a hand written missive attached. You are to receive your honour personally at Windsor from Mr HRH on behalf of HM.’

‘Oh, no!’

‘Well, don’t get too excited, you’ll probably be stuck in the back row watching the celebs and time-serving officials become Sirs and Dames.’

‘But why? I mean it’s an honour but, as you said still pretty, lowly.’

‘Well, if I had to guess, I’d say he tries to include in every group at least half a dozen people he actual knows, break up the monotony of the whole thing. Anyway, the note is from Mrs HRH, please hang around afterwards and join us for one of our Teas for volunteers.’

‘What, my god!’

‘Bit of networking, meet others doing similar things, enhance your social status.’

‘Christ! What do I wear?’

‘Dress down.’

‘What?’

‘Your simple black dress with your normal valette heals will do very well, as I’m always telling you, your fitness and excellent posture say it all. I’ll stick with my formal business suit; the only touch of colour will be the old school tie.’

‘But, why?’

‘Because everyone else will be dressed up to the nines. We’ll stick out, like it’s a walk in the park, like it’s just another day, nothing special, like we belong!’

‘Where do we stay, we can’t do it in a day.’

‘Oh, some nice little friendly family B&B in the Windsor, Eton locale, quick taxi ride from the castle. Well, you don’t want to be with the hoi polloi in the expensive tourist’s hotels, do you?’

And so it came to pass, that after forty minutes of slow, shuffling-along and turning corners disorientation, we found ourselves in some antechamber to the main event deep inside the world’s largest functioning castle. Then the principals were asked to proceed whilst us significant others were told we could watch on the screen.

A moment later; ‘If you care to follow me, sir. There’s a more intimate viewing room down the corridor.’

‘I thought it was too much to hope for, getting through today without seeing you!’ But something about his intense look said, it will be to your advantage if you do. So, I did. When we arrived however, he closed the door behind me and stayed outside. There was only one other person in the room, she was sat demurely on the window seat.

‘I often come in here to watch.’

‘Always something new to learn? Your royal highness.’ I said with a gentle nod.

‘You’re a clever sod; you even look more at home than I do.’

‘It takes one to know one, ma’am.’

‘What’s the secret to soft power Anthony?’

‘Create an atmosphere that allows people to say what they really want, then give it to them.’

‘We want you with us at this Tea.’

‘Okay.’

‘And I want to be patron of Royal Oak. I want you to stand over Captain Forsyth when he writes the invitation, so it’s couched in terms I can accept.’

‘Consider it done.’

‘There won’t be any money from us, how are their finances?’

‘The Arlington Trust owns the house, they pay a cheap rent, a few modest benefactors including the captain himself. No public money and none asked for. I have a long-term substantial benefactor I’m in the process of, facilitating shall we say.’

‘Who?’

‘My old school friend Barnabas Gruber, he of German electronics fame, he's in the process of turning all his ill-gotten gains into a charitable foundation.’

‘Don’t know him.’

‘Ask matey guarding the door, he knows him.’

‘He knows everybody whose anybody!’ She said, standing up and moving closer to the screen.  ‘Look, all the knobs are now sat back in the front row; now they’ll have to endure the also-rans. He’ll do Charlotte last, make it obvious they know each other, end on a laugh. I liked her podcast.’

‘I was amazed she agreed to do it.’

‘The camera likes her I think.’

‘I’ve been telling her that for years, therefore don’t be self-conscious, just ignore it.’

‘Bloody hell! She’s got the casual curtsey off better than I have.’

‘All that waitressing down the years.’

‘And Ernie from the office, in there close with the video camera, that’ll upset the front row too.’

When it was all over and we were walking back to the guest house, getting some air, Charlie said; ‘Thank God you were here, I’d have lost it without you, especially that Tea. Perhaps they get that, maybe that’s why she collared you.’ Then after a pause; ‘Is it me? Or are these charitable people really quite competitive, bitchy types?’

‘Like, who’s got the husband with the fattest cheque book?’

‘God! I hadn’t thought of that.’

‘You looked good to me.’

‘You always say that.’

‘You were the only guest not afraid of the fine china!’

‘Well, that’s just waitressing and helping out at the club. They had the guy hovering with the video as always, not sure about that.’

‘Answers to the name of Ernie apparently.’

‘Nice to have the little photocall at the end though. What was it Mr HRH said to you?’

‘He said, I need not have bothered with the old school tie.’

‘So, he did notice then!’

‘Sure, but he said they send up a security file as fat as a book whenever I’m expected to be present.’

‘Why so big?’

‘Full of exchanges between Wainwright, who never liked me, and the security services who think I’m okay.’

‘She said you’d be seeing a lot more of her.’

‘I’ve no idea what she’s doing. Bit odd really, you’d have thought I’d have heard something by now.’

‘Well, I suggest you be more polite to my mentor in security.’

‘What, he knows about Wainwright?’

‘He said you’d made another caustic remark.’

‘What, does, he, know?’

‘She is the new, now let me get this right, Transport Police Liaison Officer, open brackets South West close brackets, for the Heritage Railway Association.’

‘Oh, Christ! Licenced to stick her nose into everything no doubt, the ultimate busybody.’

Having relieved the tensions of the day, Charlie put the tv on in our cosy hotel bedroom; ‘Maybe we’ll be on the box.’ And sure enough, but it was the event not us, with the famous being interviewed outside afterwards. ‘That’s a shame.’

‘But for the more discerning.’ I’d gone to the HRH’s social media account and now turned my mobile screen towards her; ‘The real action lies not with legacy media.’

‘Oh, that’s all right then, the walk, and the handshake at the end were okay. Still, nice picture of you though.’