89: Fish out of water

‘What have you got planned, for whilst I’m away?’ Asked Charlie as I was about to wave her away at the mews.

‘Only a lunch with Walpole, so far.’

‘He’ll be able to explain father better than I can.’

‘Surely the train would have been easier?’

‘It’s actually a long way from the station, and much easier once I get there.’

‘Oh, well, enjoy the open road, or whatever.’

‘I’ll be back in time to oversee Melisa’s placement. Cheery-oh, pip, pip, as your lot would say.’

‘I’ll have the steak and kidney pudding, plenty of mashed spud and tell cook not to skimp on the gravy.’

‘And, cod and chips for myself. Something to drink?’

‘Oh! A glass of your best cooking claret please.’

‘A bottle of the house Bordeaux Red, thank you. Nice to see you getting into the spirit of things.’

‘One day, if I win the lottery, I’ll be able to afford to put-up myself, and return the favour.’

‘Stranger things have happened.’

‘I imagine you want me to talk about Charlotte’s father?’

‘Oh, not in the least. My approach has always been to avoid asking her, just listen on the odd occasions when she chooses to mention him. When she met you for the first time at the gallery, she was being genuinely respectful, she wasn’t playing the Valette.’

‘The only occasion we’d been in the same room before, was years ago, in court, when she came to watch her father in action. I meant to try and speak to her then, but she didn’t stay long. I don’t like second-hand gossip, I like to check out my facts, make up my own mind. I’m pleased to see her so happy, settled.’

‘Well, tell me what he’s like at the law then? From the horse’s mouth, so to speak.’ I said smiling.

Walpole looked thoughtful for a moment. ‘You know, that fellow they’ve got leading the opposition in parliament at the moment? Technically, he’s a bit like him. Always trying to impress the judge, rather than appeal to a jury. Hopeless for the defence, a natural prosecutor. But in other respects, quite different. Practices mainly in the civil courts. You see, in point of fact, not to beat about the bush, he’s a zealot!’

‘Really?’

‘Oh, yes. A zealot for the law, a law as seen through the lens of traditional, protestant, high church, Christian beliefs. That god bothering society of his has quite a few followers, but essentially, it’s him. And in your face, all the time. That’s what I can’t stand. So, utterly convinced of his own convictions. I imagine, and I do mean imagine, that’s what Charlotte couldn’t stick, she obviously read the bible for her own sake, chose tolerance, acceptance. I often read The Beacon, mainly for the law reports you understand, so I realise she does work for the homeless on the side.’

‘Yes, she’s been involved for a long time, persuaded our Trust to chip-in and taken a seat on their committee on our behalf.’

‘Charles, it is always Charles, never a Charlie, used to express his frustration with his daughter all the time. We shared chambers for a while. As I say, unverified gossip, not worth recalling.’

‘A little bird told me you were also acquainted with our Chief Constable Wainwright?’

‘Ha! I laughed like a drain when I saw her pictured with your Crimean gold.’

‘I got her out of bed that day.’

‘Really! No, funny how first encounters stick with you, she doesn’t appear to have changed at all, a stickler for correctness. Caught her with a left hook on her first appearance down the Bailey. Jack told you, did he?’ I nodded. ‘I met Jack, when I got him off a charge of handling. Smart guy, understands other’s expertise, behaved exactly as I told him to in the witness box.’

‘We have an informal, business relationship, I flatter myself I bring an air of respectability to his world.’

‘Oh, I’m sure. I ought to say, I’ve not mentioned to my wife that I’ve reconnected with Jack, and the likes of our Chief of Police, she has a tendency to believe gossip and pass it on without question.’

‘Absolutely. Understood.’

‘Still, a blessing in disguise, from time to time. You can bet that the news of Charlotte doing well for herself, keeping out of trouble I mean, has already got back to her mother. Terribly incestuous, the law.’

‘And for dessert?’

‘Jam roly-poly with custard, I think.’

We took our coffees to the log fire in the lounge and settled in. ‘Now, have I got this right, Brinkley is your accountant, Merriweather your solicitor?’

‘Correct.’

‘I was just getting settled in the law, as a barrister, when they go and let solicitor’s take the very bread from our mouths.’

‘According to Lawrence, Bernard’s problem is not so much the law, as not understanding judges.’

‘Oh, you bet! Most of the work may be done in writing these days, but that just makes judges even more bureaucratically minded. Bernard, as you call him, opened up a bit about Sparkwell QC giving him a mauling. Again, it all comes back to not being able to keep God almighty out of court, or do I mean, keeping the law out of the church. How can I put this politely, one shouldn’t be surprised if your friends continue to soft-pedal their relationship, particularly if they’re committed Christians? Being of that generation, they’d see Sparkwell senior as a real potential menace and your Charlotte, well as a probable victim, but also, as a possible ally.’

In order to wake up again after a heavy lunch, I took Walpole on a bit of a tour of the house and grounds beyond the confines of the club. ‘Whereabouts are you living?’ He mentioned a village on the edge of town with one foot in the countryside. ‘And how’s your wife taking to it all?’

‘Gardening. She, has become the world’s most enthusiastic gardener. Constant expeditions to your garden centre.’

‘Not really your scene?’

‘No. I’m the townie, feeling a bit like a fish out of water to be honest.’

‘But you’re the more sociable one?’

‘Oh, I’ll adjust. Just don’t ask me to do the digging and weeding.’

‘You should write your memoirs.’

‘Not the noblest of professions. And what I like to recall, well its all terribly out of date now.’

‘You could write a blog, about a townie trying to adjust to life in the country.’

‘I can’t think who’d be interested!’

‘Actually, it’s quite a controversial area, you should try reading my aunt’s magazine, wealthy townies importing their values. The eco-minded trampling over traditional agriculture. Charlie writes an occasional column.’

‘Does she? Is there no end to her talents? Where is she by the way, if you don’t mind my asking?’

‘On leave. Gone fishing. She and her pals have somehow got on the right side of the Duke of Northumberland’s gillie.’

‘My word!’

‘Is that the sea, that I can, see?’ Walpole asked after we’d wandered on a way.

‘It is indeed. One of the main reasons for remodelling the golf course, hence the new trees. You can also see the sea from the roof again, I won’t take you up there, problems with health and safety, insurance etc.’

‘Oh, I can believe it. You know the only reason Sparkwell senior isn’t a judge is he can’t play golf. No, I don’t quite mean that. But part of the social life of many judges is golf, and it’s hardly compatible with having a compulsion to bring religion into everything.’

‘You never took to the game?’

‘Oh, no! Absolute self-torture, just playing against oneself, no end to it. Mrs Walpole was keen I should play at one time, but then she was far more ambitious than I, to see me progress in the law. Do you suffer from having a partner with ambitions on your behalf?’

‘Only that I should be as much a fitness fanatic as she is!’

‘Ha!’

88: Talk of war

‘How long is this cost-of-living crises going to last?’

‘Good lord! Are you psychic, Sparkwell?’

‘I really couldn’t say, sir.’

‘The question is bothering Brinkley too. I’m currently reading his amended budget projections for twenty-two, twenty-three.’

‘And?’

‘He thinks, for what it’s worth, there should be no new projects and no further property sales this financial year.’

‘Will he get his way?’

‘Yes, I would think so. Just as well everything we wanted started, is started.’

‘But for how long is it going to last?’

‘Well, that’s unknown. The pressure on energy prices, which is pushing the inflation, will likely stay awhile. The war in eastern Europe following the pandemic following the disruption of Brexit. Mind you, there will be falls as well as rises, but you never know when it will level off.’

‘Why no property sales?’

‘Because, for reasons which are unclear, property prices continue to rise in a buoyant market, therefore also the valuation of the Trust’s assets, he hopes it will act as a hedge against inflation. Wisely, he also asserts, one should think twice about passing on rising costs in case they stifle demand, better to look for cost savings first.’

‘Not like you to accept a pep talk from Larry!’

‘I accept it, because he’s right. Don’t shoot the messenger.’

‘Does our happiness depend on riches?’

‘I beg your pardon! Is this the same Charlotte Sparkwell that we know and love speaking, the natural therapist, the fitness fanatic who can claim with some justification that joy is gravity defying behaviour, that love and happiness must be remade every day through exercise that takes us to our goal of human social connection, huh?’

‘I meant, have you sucked me into your world; of forever looking for the edge, of pecuniary advantage, financial power, have I become corrupted by association?’

‘Absolutely not. Quite the reverse. You have led me on a path of enlightenment. Just because you are no longer as poor as a church mouse, doesn’t make you a running dog of capitalism.’

Then she was pinged, and a moment later; ‘Oh my god! A message from Captain Bob. And a link, “see me on tv”, blimey!’

We sat and watched the five-minute clip on the big tv screen. It was some sort of ceremony in Port Stanley. Captain Bob, smartly dressed with medals, standing to attention. He seemed to be in charge of an elderly, but far from motley crew. They were clearly the guests of honour at some sort of anniversary celebration hosted by the town, or city as we must learn to call it; ‘Bob appears to be the star of the whole show!’

‘We need to share this with the rest of the world.’ Asserted Charlie. ‘We’re not doing anything for the rest of today are we?’

‘I’m due to check out the yacht again anyway.’ So said Charlie as we headed into town. ‘I’ll do that first, then meet you at the Harbour Cafe.’

At the cafe, the talk was all of the current war. Plucky underdogs fighting a clear and obvious enemy. That had been the way it seemed forty years ago as a child. Most of Captain Bob’s regular crowd were milling around. I kept my own council, setting up the laptop, until Charlie returned. ‘How’s the yacht?’

‘Fine, no problem.’ She started working the room as if she still worked there, then began rearranging a couple of the outside tables.

There were half a dozen souls who wanted to view the video in the end. Quite an involved discussion followed, with general agreement that the country would have been unlikely to get behind the government, if it had all happened today. Someone quoted Margaret Thatcher; ‘Our first duty to freedom, is to defend our own.’ People doubted anyone would regard the Falklands as our own anymore. Someone else, suggested Charlie take the video up to the shelter, on account of there always being ex-squaddies there, and that everyone there, knew Captain Bob.

‘You should take a picture Charlie, to send to Bob.’ I spoke. Then a thought suddenly occurred; ‘Did you ever go anywhere on the yacht?’

‘Oh, aye! She had no choice, living there!’ Chipped-in a third.

‘Smile, everyone! Only down the coast for a couple of hours, long enough to check out she was still seaworthy, as a sailing ship. But I got to learn a few of the ropes. Not that easy to organise a crew for sailing though. Sometimes we’d just go around the bay, if it was the engine that needed testing.’

On the walk to the shelter, I said to Charlie; ‘You might consider the potential of the yacht, as a training vessel, when looking to the future. That combination of a proper sea-going engine and sail only, if you see what I mean?’

‘Oh, right. Yes of course.’

We found the manager in the canteen. Someone had been doing some baking. Having shown her the clip, I then posted her the link. Charlie and she started talking shop, I sat and earwigged their chat. It seemed the manager thought it worth pursuing Captain Bob’s long held conviction that the local authority, the council and or harbour commissioners, had some sort of legal obligation to support the shelter because they had taken over from the old Seaman’s Mission. Apparently, there was some sort of historical precedent for providing temporary accommodation if the local community failed to do so. They then moved on to moaning about the perennial problem of the annual rough sleepers count, the one time in the year that the council really wanted their cooperation. The charities outreach staff were of course the best at finding and signposting the homeless to the shelter. It was in the council’s best interest to have full occupancy at the shelter at the very moment they did the count!

Someone offered me an iced bun. I hesitated, looking at Charlie. ‘Oh, go on.’ Said the manager; ‘After all, you paid for it.’

‘Thank you. Who was it who said it takes as much generosity to receive, as it does to give?’

‘Sounds like a definition of charity.’ She replied.

‘You two do realise you are talking about probably the worst council in the country, historically speaking?’ I asserted.

‘How do you mean?’ Asked Charlie.

‘Well, its been run by Buffy Trumpton’s party, almost continuously since the war. Once the country’s premier seaside resort, now dominated by the retired and disabled, the homeless and dispossessed from the rest of the country. They totally missed the rise of the heritage industry; practically destroying the work of Isambard Kingdom Brunel, our greatest engineer ever, and disregarded the legacy of Agatha Christie at one time the world’s best selling author.’

‘Whilst you’ve been living here over fifty years, and, you went to school with half the jokers who run the country now! What’s your excuse?’ Countered Charlie.

‘There’s only so much one man can do.’

‘At least you and the captain are keeping us afloat.’ The manager kindly offered.

‘Is it important to your punters, clients, or whatever you’re calling people this week, to be close to the harbour side?’

‘What are you thinking?’ Asked Charlie.

‘Well, you could pursue an alternative strategy of distancing yourself from the authorities altogether.’

‘Nothing we’d like better, but they own the building, the half-way house too. And come to that, the precinct where the shop is!’ So retorted the manager.

‘I know that look, Tony has spotted an opportunity, but I warn you whatever it is, it will profit him too.’

‘Well, it might occur to you too, young Sparkwell, if you paid as much attention to the Trust’s property portfolio as you should. I’ll say no more.’

‘Talking of youth, who’s this young lass you’re foisting on us in a few weeks time?’ Asked the manager.

‘Daughter of a family friend, smart as hell, curious about people. She asked Charlie if she could fix it, so as to prevent the school sending her somewhere they thought would be appropriate.’

‘You do realise I’m on leave next week?’

‘Of course.’

‘We’re meeting in the borders.’

‘Good lord!’

‘I’ll be driving the length and breadth of the country, at the invitation of a Duke.’

‘Blimey, as you might say. Now I may know nothing about fishing...’

‘True.’

‘But isn’t that stretch of the Tweed just about the most famous, the best and most difficult to get permission to...’

‘Correct.’

‘Don’t tell me, his grace is a reader of The Beacon?’

‘More likely his gillie!’

87: I am not worthy

‘Be so good as to bring the car around Sparkwell, I’ve been invited to lunch at the club.’ There was no response, her head remained in a letter she’d been studying for sometime; ‘Not bad news I hope?’

‘Er, no. I don’t think so, here, you check it out.’

After a moment of contemplation, I said; ‘Well, may I be the first to offer my congratulations. You have ascended to the first rung of the ladder of respectability.’

‘But how has it happened?’

‘Well, as it explains, you were nominated by someone in your local community who feels your contribution should be recognised.’

‘Not you, then?!’

‘No, and they will want to remain anonymous, so you don’t make enquiries. Anyway, the details they provide get checked out by others.’

‘And this medal, isn’t it the lowest of the low?’

‘Yes, but that is the way it is meant to be. You are relatively young, the Crown hopes you will be encouraged to continue your good works, and in time, higher honours will come your way. As with all honours however, the system doesn’t always work, and some people’s contribution isn’t obvious at the time, so they suddenly get a high honour late in life. And of course, there are ways of bestowing honour posthumously.’

‘This wasn’t the Chief Constable then?’

‘I very much doubt it, at least in her official capacity, it was the fact that last time the idea came from above, that got her back up! And the more she is forced to fall-in with us, the more her seething resentment will grow, I should imagine. Although it must be said, her antipathy towards you is a lot less than it is towards me.’

‘You haven’t got a letter, why not?’

‘I don’t expect one. Most people believe I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth, giving back is rather expected, and accepted as their due. “It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than...” Besides, you have the advantage; “joy shall be in heaven over one sinner who repents...”

‘I’ll bring the car around.’

‘Anyway, I shall stand ready to be your consort as required.’ I continued thinking aloud as we motored into the countryside. ‘You’ll probably get your award from the Lord Lieutenant of the county, and your name will go on the Palace Garden Party list, there to mingle with whichever royal has drawn the short straw.’

‘Not Her Majesty then?’

‘No, not with her limited mobility these days. Unless of course she chooses to use her new buggy, she’s never been the sort of monarch that likes her public to parade before her.’

‘Whose giving you lunch?’

‘Frimley Coates.’

‘What does he want?’

‘I have absolutely no idea.’

‘Order what you will, my dear fellow.’

‘Well, thank you Frimley.’

‘I’ll come straight to business, then we can enjoy our food.’

‘Indeed; “When I pray, I pray. When I eat, I eat”.’

‘Saint Teresa of Avila, nice to know you appreciate the point. Er, the Prime Minister and I wanted you to know about a slight change of strategy.’

‘Oh, yes.’

‘It was awfully decent of you to but in a word regarding a seat in the Commons, but we’ve concluded that it would all just take too long.’

‘I see.’

‘He wants me in government, indeed in the cabinet. Well, with Her Majesty’s gracious consent of course, and I realise I am not worthy - I shouldn’t really be telling you this but I know how discrete you are - the fact is I’m to be elevated, a little young some will say I’m sure, to the peerage.’

‘Well, let me be the first to congratulate you. You have no ambitions to lead the party?’

‘Oh, goodness, what a flatterer you are Anthony. No, I hardly think I’d unite the party, do you?’

‘Perhaps not. I say, not wishing to put a damper on things and all that, but working in the Cabinet Office as you do, you’ve not been caught up in Rory’s committee’s enquiries into conduct-under-Covid?’

‘Oh, goodness no. One was investigated of course, we all were. But I was able to offer an exemplary account of myself.’

‘Really!’

‘It’s my habit to arrive early and leave early. The church in recent years has been forced to take extra security measures, I was found, at all the times in question, to be in contemplation of less earthly pleasures.’

‘Unlike all the other Mr Cummings and Mr Gowing’s of this world.’

‘Indeed.’

‘What exactly will your job be?’

‘Well, more or less the same as now, but with the authority to implement.’

‘Anything with post-Brexit constitutional implications, which is almost everything, should you wish to make it so.’

‘Yes, rather neat, all in all.’

‘You can be a scourge on whoever.’

‘Who is that lady your companion is talking to?’ Asked Frimley over coffee.

‘Ada.’

‘Ada?’

‘Mrs Armitage, she owns one of the bungalows, hangs out here quite a lot, she’s actually one of the remaining small investors in the Park company. Didn’t realise Charlie knew her. Oh, good lord, I’ve just had a thought, no, silly idea.’

‘Go on, spit it out, confession is good for the soul.’

‘Well as you might have guessed Charlie is a real going concern these days, and so she’s beginning to acquire some savings, and her financial advisor has been urging her to make investments. As a result, only the other day, I tried to point out the ground rules. But I also said, if she wasn’t motivated by profit, but sort influence, then being a small investor could at times be extraordinarily effective, and there she is, getting cosy with a prime example.’

‘How much of the Park remains with small investors?’

‘Eight per cent.’

‘Ah well, not such a bad idea to start with an organisation you know really well.’

‘Not for me it isn’t, not when you know the testamentary intentions of the other principal shareholders!’

‘Ada, how are you?’

‘Oh, middling I’d say, and you, young man?’

‘Bearing up, bearing up. I don’t mean to interrupt your conversation, but I just wished to enquire whether the newsletter on future developments at the bungalows made sense?’

‘Oh, yes, indeed. Very exciting, especially since it won’t cost us a penny! Phase one; fibre optics, tarmac round the back and proper fencing by the end of the summer, jolly good. The timing of the rest is a bit vague though.’

‘Well, we just don’t know how much repair or rebuilding of brickwork will be needed at the stables and in the walled garden.’

‘A few of us have been having a bit of a poke about recently. We think the greenhouse at the far end can be saved, by using material from the more wrecked one.’

‘Excellent! I’ll see what the builder thinks.’

‘Of course, your uncle’s book goes into some detail, that should be some guide when it comes to the look of the place. Now then, Charlotte here has been telling me about all the advantages of being better connected, electronically that is...’

‘Oh, and whilst I think of it, have you tried the new bus service?’

‘Yes indeed. Very nice bus. Very nice driver. But I think you might be missing a trick, Anthony.’

‘Oh, really. That’s interesting.’

‘You must ask the driver about passenger’s final destinations.’

‘Ah, fine tuning the route you mean?’

‘Bit unimaginative just running a shuttle service too. It should be a circular route for parts of the journey, you can take in a lot more, but hardly add to the journey time.’

‘Thank you, Ada, you’re a great help.’

‘So, what did Frimley want in the end?’

‘I’m not allowed to say. I didn’t know you knew Ada.’

‘No, not really, most enlightening chat though.’

‘What did she have to say?’

‘She spoke in confidence.’

86: Money goes to money

‘Oh, there you are. You disappeared to get the post ages ago!’

‘I’m gobsmacked.’

‘By whom?’

‘By what. This cheque from The Beacon, it’s massive!’

‘Are well, royals, that’s a different league all together.’

‘Perhaps I was wrong to turn down Don’s offer to act as agent and sell the pics on.’

‘No. Wise decision. A good reputation for discretion, is worth more in the long run.’

‘You still think they won’t mind about me doing the exclusive for The Countrywoman?’

‘It’s not what you do, it’s the way that you do it. A small regional magazine exclusive, authored by the photographer, highlighting good works rather than high jinks. No problem.’

‘You going to drive me to Jack’s garage then?’

‘Yes. As long as you promise to bring number one car straight back here and garage it, and put the car cover over it.’

‘Very good, sir.’

‘I’ll hang around for a while, then return and park out front. I know, it’s a silly conceit. But you’d be amazed how unobservant the average person is. And at the very least we get a good laugh out of it, we might even gain some as yet unknown advantage.’

‘Tuffy didn’t notice when we loaded the picture frames.’

‘There’s nothing average about Tuffy!’

I returned in time for lunch. ‘Here. Take a look at this.’ Said Charlie, passing over a print-out whilst we were sat at the kitchen table. ‘It’s a programme for Melisa, one whole night shadowing the manager at the shelter, then a day off, then a day in the shop, a day at the halfway house and a day in the office including a committee meeting.’

‘Looks good, a teacher will visit at some point, worth finding out when.’

‘Oh, right.’ Then the doorbell rang. ‘That will be her now, I’ll let her in.’

As Melisa came on through, she said; ‘Love the new car, Tony!’

Charlie collapsed in hysterics.

‘And there’s nothing average about Mel either!’ I asserted.

‘What’s going on?’

‘Tony reckons no one will notice the new car, it being so similar to the other one. He thinks we can go on pretending to have one, when in fact be have two. Our mews garage looks like a single, but is in fact long enough to take the two.’

‘That’s cool. Actually, I think he might be right about most people.’

‘Here! Charlie has worked out a programme.’ I handed over the piece of paper.

‘That should be great, thanks.’

‘Have some lunch.’

‘Okay. Dad will be here to pick me up in about fifteen minutes, said he wants a catch-up.’

‘I could show you the treatment room.’ Said Charlie.

‘Magic.’

‘So, this guy just walks straight up to me and says, I believe you’re an old friend of Anthony’s, like he knows you. Turns out it is his brother who met you years ago. But anyway...’ We were coming down the stairs after our conversation in the media room. ‘Are you ready Melisa?’

A moment later they emerged from the treatment room. Charlie and I stood by the front door and watched them go. ‘Did Barmy say anything about the car?’

‘No, hasn’t noticed yet.’

‘How much does it cost us going by car to your great cathedral city?’

‘Well, it used to cost, two or three quid I suppose, plus parking fees.’

‘I’m losing money every day I don’t pay that cheque in.’

‘True.’

‘Archie already thinks I’m saving too much, when I should be investing.’

‘That’s his job, buyer beware. Only ever invest amounts you can afford to lose.’

‘How much is that?’

‘Well, it’s different for everybody, but traditionally the rule of thumb is twenty per cent of your overall assets.’

‘What’s good to invest in then?’

‘First mistake. You should only be considering things you know about, things where you are confident of your level of expertise. Never trust people who invest, that is spend, other people’s money. Even with things like charities, those who donate should actually be able to see, literally, where their money is going. That’s why local charities tend to be more ethical.’

‘The only thing I’m meant to know about is sports and leisure.’

‘There is another aspect to investing you might want to consider, there are those people who are what you might call, investors for influence rather than profit, people who own a few per cent of a business, then exploit their rights to the full, call people to account at shareholder’s meetings, sometimes sit on boards, know their company law back to front.’

On our next foray to the Park, Charlie asked; ‘How much is the whole stables enterprise costing?’

‘An arm and a leg, probably. I’m making it half a dozen or so contracts, spread over several years. It has certain nightmare scenarios. Like almost reaching completion only to find new wrought iron gates don’t quite hang properly, that sort of thing.’

‘God!’

‘And it’s a very long-term investment, indulgence you might say. Just raises the value of the leases on the bungalows really. You can’t have astronomical management fees otherwise it defeats the point of what are in essence retirement properties. But the entire grounds will look forever neglected if it isn’t sorted.’

‘Then is that it, for improvements?’

‘Apart from all the never-ending stuff, replacing pipes, better insulation, developing our own sources of energy etc. You do it bit by bit over very long periods to try to absorb the cost.’

‘Talking of investments.’ I said as we entered the bar; ‘I spy a forum addict. Cat!’

‘Tony, Charlie. I heard that!’ He said looking up from his mobile. ‘And you’re right of course. What I’ve been a bit slow to pick up on, is how the portal, well all sorts of social media I suppose, interacts, is part of real life. I always tell myself to go into the portal before setting-out, not always possible, but you can’t just turn up here anymore and find out what’s happening by idle chat because people announce and report, post photos and videos online, then assume when you buy them a drink that you’ve already consumed all that!’

‘The online club has become integral you mean; you can’t be part of one without the other.’

‘I know by the standards of the Internet that the advertising is pretty tame, but none the less it is a bit intrusive.’

‘Well, speaking as the principal administrator, it’s either that or accept above inflation increases in fees. I spend too much time in the portal too, I suppose what we really need is a marketing manager, for the Park as a whole.’

‘Geeky, tech savvy.’

‘Therefore young. Classy, stylish...’

‘Country bred, a face, who can handle the media.’

‘Female.’

‘I’m still here you know! I may be ferreting behind this bar, but I can hear every word.’ So piped-up Charlie.

‘But you know what we mean!’

‘Sure, but it would probably cost you seventy grand to get one full-time, you know.’

‘Good lord!’

‘I say!’

‘What you need Holmes, is Fiona.’

‘Who’s Fiona!’ Said Cat and I in unison.

‘You are slow sometimes, you go on about observational awareness, but miss it, her that is, when she’s staring you in the face.’

‘Go on.’

‘The face of Jack’s Classic Cars, the pretty but smart, front of house, who enchants the rich but dim punters, is the same Fiona who once worked at Macy’s and ensnared Tuffy years ago.’

‘Good lord!

‘I say!’

‘Precisely, sirs.’

‘But we’ll never entice her away from Jack, if she’s all you say she is.’

‘You won’t have to, most of what you need is online, right? I know she likes her job, but a lot of the time she just has to sit there waiting for the next customer, offer her a package. Staff privileges when she needs to be the face here, which is more than likely evenings and weekends, plus ten or fifteen hours or whatever, done from some sort of encrypted programme on Jack’s computer.’

‘Sod that, I’ll provide the hardware thank you very much.’

‘Well, there you are then. Another drink, gentlemen?’

‘Thanks. You know Cat, I think we should get a negotiator on site right away.’

‘Oh, absolutely.’ He replied, as we both stared at Charlie.

‘What’s the finder’s fee?’

‘Good lord!’

‘I say!’

85: Picture perfect

‘Why am I doing this?’ Charlie complained as we sat at our side-by-side desks in the media room.

‘Because Julia asked you to.’

‘But I’m not a journalist, not even a photographer, just the trigger man for whatever you set up.’

‘It’s a picture feature Charlie, really only extended captions. The Countrywoman magazine’s first ever opportunity to upstage Hello!’

‘Then why aren’t you doing it, at least you understand what’s required?’

‘It has to be your voice, the one the readers are familiar with, I can polish it later.’

‘You know my voice, why not the other way around?’

‘Well, sometimes I’m not sure I do, I mean, a lot of the time you’re reacting to me, throwing back my expressions and attitudes, the uppity servant as you’ve expressed it in the past... I know! You said it was the best day, well what we need is your emotional response to the unfolding events. They’re your photos, what did you feel, in the decisive moment?’

Five minutes later. ‘Don’t we have somewhere we ought to be?’

‘Only when you’ve finished. We’ll drop by the gallery and buy Tuffy out, of his stock of cheapo picture frames.’

‘Why?’

‘Well, we have a goodly collection of souvenir editions of The Beacon now, I think we should display them, show off your accomplishments.’

‘You really do take after your Aunt Elisabeth, only whilst she was showing off the rest of her family and hiding your notoriety, you want the whole world to know!’

‘Actually, they’ll have to be somewhere fairly discrete otherwise the newsprint will fade.’

‘How about the loo?’

‘Too damp.’

‘We could display nice prints of the pictures that have found their way into The Beacon. There, done! On your screen any second.’

‘Okay, I see it, I’ll save it for later, lets get some fresh, sea air.’

‘I’ve never been so embarrassed in all my life; told I was letting the side down. They even had the gall to question my patriotism. They said now was not the time to criticise Buffy on account of him spearheading the international response to the threat to freedom in eastern Europe. Mackintosh was no help, said most of my evidence was inadmissible since the premises were hired out to others at the time.’

‘How’s your mother?’

‘Alright, I suppose. She’s got me going through father’s things with a fine toothcomb, as it happens.’

‘I always admired her sense of humour.’

‘Mother? What can you mean?’

‘Understated.’

‘Anyway, all his diaries seem to be written in some kind of code! Can’t make head nor tail of them.’ Then, looking at what we were holding; ‘You really could do better with frames you know.’

‘Oh, they’re just for newspaper cuttings, Charlie’s growing fame and fortune, don’t you know.’

‘Tony! How are you?’ Said the Lady Vic, rising from her subterranean office and billowing forth. ‘There’s something I want to show you next door, you’ll keep Charlotte company won’t you darling?’

‘Of course.’

‘Actually, I don’t have anything to show you.’ She said when we were alone. ‘I just wanted a word in confidence.’

‘Carry-on.’

‘This business about mother-in-law’s goods and chattels, what’s that all about? Has the potential to put old friends at loggerheads seems to me.’

‘Well, I’ve not actually spoken to her on the subject. But she has confessed in the past to not really understanding her late husband’s business affairs. She knows Tuffy never took an interest, but I did of course. He was, in the absence of my father, a bit of a role model, a mentor if you will.’

‘So, I understand.’

‘He did rather well in his time. She wants to do right by him, needs someone she knows who cares, to go through everything and make sure nothing useful or valuable is well, lost. It’s not that Tuffy doesn’t care, just that he can be a bit careless, at times.’

‘You really don’t need to be so diplomatic with me, darling. We do go back a long way. For example, Tuffy really doesn’t need to be so coy about his affection for Charlotte, anyone who can calm him down gets my vote.’

‘Quite, well it may be that at the end of the day I just come away with half a dozen of his father’s first editions, but it would be tragic if we all missed out on assets hidden away amongst his papers.’

‘Thank you. I’m sure we can keep him straight. Let’s go back.’ When we re-emerged, Tuffy could be seen helping Charlie carry the frames to the car. ‘He’s genuinely happy you know, being my general factotum.’

‘I believe it, he knows he’s useful. A rare thing in his life.’

‘Well, if you’re having The Beacon on display, I insist on having copies of my Countrywoman articles, they have nice illustrations as well as the woodcut of my masthead.’

‘Done. And location?’

‘Put them, in date order, starting on the far side of the hall, then they can creep up the stairs.’

‘Okay.’ Then the doorbell rang, it happened I was closest for once.

It was Melisa; ‘Can we talk?’

‘Of course, come on through.’

‘Mummy is being a pain, again. She wants me to stay at school and go into their sixth form. I was thinking of the college. You’re the only one who can bring her to heal. Congratulations by the way Charlotte, the whole town is talking about your coup with the royals. Mummy says the council are hopping mad, might bring them to their senses.’

‘Take a seat, let me ruminate a moment.’

‘Tea on the patio? Ten minutes?’ Suggested Charlie.

‘Excellent. Now then. Ah, I’ve got it. By the way, you should be looking towards your father when it comes to such matters, he understands the academic better.’

‘Daddy is in Boston, presenting his final report to his American controllers.’

‘Really! Now then, the key point is that the only really legitimate excuse for favouring the college at the end of the day is it’s size, it must be the one place offering the subjects, you need. Perhaps even the subjects insisted upon by your chosen universities - whether you end up going is another matter entirely of course. See what I’m saying?’

‘God! That’ll mean working through the whole damn prospectus and cross referencing to who knows what.’

‘It’s two years of your life! And if you can possibly bear it, it’s the subject you really want to do, plus English and Maths ‘A’ level.’

‘Boring.’

‘You’ll get the benefit. It’s more than likely that by the time you reach the age of forty, your life will be dominated by running the Gruber Foundation, or whatever your father decides to turn himself into in his declining years.’

‘God, don’t you just hate it when Tony is right all the time, Charlotte?’ Said Melisa.

‘Don’t answer that, Charlie.’ Interceded Kenneth as we were all enjoying tea, el fresco. ‘Tony’s aunt, my dear friend, who used to own this place, allowed herself to get far too worked-up about him.’

‘One extra thing to remember Mel, the real deadline is not until the end of the summer, the first week of term in fact. You don’t actually need to have your preferred solution in place until then. You did say Boston? Not Washington and the Pentagon?’

‘Yes. Home next week.’

‘Tony and Melisa’s father are old rivals, Ken.’ Said Charlie.

‘But friendly, always on the same side at the end of the day.’

‘My other pain is this compulsory week-long end of term, work experience, mentoring nonsense. If I don’t come up with something, the school will dump me somewhere ghastly.’

‘Do I take it from your comments earlier, that you approve of the night shelter?’

‘My god! Tony, that’s brilliant! You couldn’t fix it for me, could you Charlotte?’

84: Swingin' royals at the jubilee dinner dance

‘How on earth do you imagine this is going to happen?’

‘It will happen because all those involved, will want it to happen.’

‘You can’t possibly know that!’ Asserted Charlie, as she guided us towards an unofficial lunchtime cafe conference with Archie Layton at his favourite coffee chain in our great cathedral city.

‘Buffy will relish an opportunity to hob-nob with the younger royals and hence will oil the wheels, your handler and the whole security crew will see it as an easy evening’s overtime, they’re already familiar with the set-up, so too the Chief Constable, a feather in her cap.’

Archie seemed to find the whole idea hilarious as I made my pitch. I ended with what I thought was the clincher; ‘So the date, will simply be whichever day the Palace has already pencilled-in for the Duke and Duchess to do the west country.’

Then the Banker put on his serious, ‘do something about your overdraft’, face. ‘There are a couple things you can’t be expected to know, Tony. One, although you’re right they’d have no problem with the knees-up, and I’ll be happy to put in a word, it’s just they’re also deeply serious people, they need good reasons to be there, worthy causes and all that.’

‘But they’ll have been doing that all day!’

‘You don’t quite get it, you need to have good, worthy reasons to justify their presence.’

‘Someone needs to cut the ribbon on the new spa facility, and someone needs to punch the first ticket on the minibus, part of our, don’t drink and drive campaign!’

‘Try harder. What issue have they made their own? Think, I mean, say having delivered your drunken revellers back to town, what do we notice when wandering the streets at night? Do we not have with us today, the leading light of the night shelter committee, the very same person with the inside track to our nation’s leading scandal sheet. After all, HRH learnt the art of the unofficial visit at his mother’s knee, did he not?’

‘Archie, it’s always an education talking to you, I think we could rise to the occasion don’t you Charlie?’

‘Sure, no worries.’ She said, looking positively thunderstruck.

‘The other thing Tony. The date, fixed in stone long ago, is in ten days time!’

‘Bloody hell!’ Said Charlie.

‘Should be a piece of cake for someone with Tony’s resources. I’ll speak to the Duchess tonight. No one but the principals in the know mind you, even on the night it must just be rumours of the PM bringing a guest of honour, okay? I’m afraid you’ll have to put-up with my presence, they’ll need a translator to explain what you lot are all about! Ha!’

In truth, I didn’t start feeling the nerves until we were getting dressed on the afternoon of the day itself, me in black tie and Charlotte in a, just covering the knee, dress magic-ked from her new wardrobe. ‘So, full dress rehearsal on the wooden floor of the treatment room then.’

I chose my recording of the Miller Band playing, In The Mood; ‘I don’t imagine they’ll play it, but it’s three false endings before...’

‘See? The full twirl and it doesn’t show my knickers!’

‘Good. The jitterbug was a good ten years away.’

Practice having restored my confidence; everything went like a dream. We put our trust in Archie and took our cues from him. Charlie ended-up leading the Duchess through the new spa. When she returned, she said; ‘We’re on, the whole works, and apparently the Duke has expressed a desire to actually drive the minibus into town!’

‘I’ll speak to the Chief Constable!’

When I did, she didn’t like it; ‘Does he know what he’s doing?’ She liked it even less when I explained that the man who had driven it all the way from Birmingham was sat at the bar at that very moment and could no doubt provide instruction.

‘Jack! He’s a crook!’

‘But he fills your officer’s tanks.’

‘You, I... Oh, very well. But you get him out of the bar, this has to be private.’

As soon as the royal couple took to the dance floor, mobile devices began to appear in earnest. ‘Someone is bound to leak it immediately.’ Said Charlie.

‘Yes, it may hit some media websites, but too late for the print editions. Only the Don is holding the front page and the whole point is to place a picture of them dancing next to one you take later at the shelter.’

‘This whole shebang should do your reputation no harm at all Anthony, must be costing you a fortune though.’

‘Well, call it an investment Prime Minister.’

‘All our futures rest on them, you know.’

‘So, one would imagine.’

‘Shame they’re so, well, liberal.’

‘They can afford to be.’

And a moment or two later, another voice from the past. ‘Well, congratulations Tony. I take my hat off, again. Must have taken a bit of organising, even for you. And the band! Gracious, they make the entire club look young!’ So spoke Daphne.

‘And the night is still young too.’

In the end the convoy that headed back to town and the waterfront, consisted of a patrol car in front, then the minibus with Charlie, the VIPs and various hangers-on, with me behind in the new car giving Jack a ride, and finally a police van behind us.

‘Our Chief Constable really should learn how to get more fun out of life.’ Said Jack.

‘It was shear vanity and self-interest that made her swallow her pride and rope you in.’

‘You know, if you really want the edge, you should ask your new friend Henry “never plead guilty” Walpole, about her.’

‘Really?’

‘Oh, yes. Walpole remembers cross-examining her over her notebook, at her first appearance down the Bailey when she was a young WPC with the Met.’

‘Good lord! It never ceases to amaze me how well connected you are.’

‘How’s your extra computer working?’

‘Let’s find out!’ I said, pressing a button on the dash.

‘Nothing’s happening.’

‘We still have to wait for her to pick up.’

After a second or two; ‘Is that singing?!’ Exclaimed Jack.

Then, after a further short pause, Charlie went to speaker; ‘We’re all goin’ on a summer holiday, No more workin’ for a week or two, Fun and laughter on a summer holiday...’

‘That’s a bit ancient, even for them, surely?’ Said Jack.

‘Didn’t his mother play tennis with Cliff, or am I thinking of someone else?’

Then, to cap it all we heard; ‘The young ones, Darling, we’re the young ones, And the young ones, Shouldn’t be afraid...’

We ended-up, in conversation over hot chocolate at the shelter’s canteen; ‘I’m afraid sir, your dancing has leaked.’ I turned my mobile screen towards the VIPs. There were groans of disappointment and disapproval. ‘However, Charlie here has the means for instant rebuttal, should you care to take the advantage.’

‘Explain, if you would Tony.’ Interceded Archie.

‘Here on Charlie’s work mobile is a nicer dancing picture, plus one taken a few minutes ago, but with the client’s backs to camera, now Don Wooley of The Beacon, club member, is one of Charlie’s biggest fans and I took the precaution of asking him to hold the front page of the print edition, he can guarantee both pics appear side by side. It’s a bit tight, but you’ve a good ten minutes to decide.’

‘He’s published your pictures before hasn’t he Charlotte?’ Said Archie.

‘Yes, pictures from the summit, and the Crimean gold of course, always good about attribution and fees, but you’d know that ma’am, with your family pictures.’

‘Yes, yes. What do you think darling?’ The Duke turned and looked at the last flunkey still on his feet. There was an almost imperceptible nod.

‘Today was the best day.’ Charlie said later. Then added; ‘That other media outlet, the one that leaked, they’re the Don’s principal rival. That’s the give away you know, too clever by half you, always pushing it, I suppose you even said to Cat, something slightly gaudy, slightly tasteless.’

‘Am I that transparent?’

‘Only after the event, not the least predictable. Thank goodness.’

83: Transports of delight

‘The countess has arrived, sir. She’s parking the farm truck. I suppose I should have moved my car.’ So said Charlie, lolling by the media room window.

‘Did we promise her lunch?’

‘We didn’t promise anything, but I could include her in our cheese salad.’

‘Fresh from the garden?’

‘First of the season. I’ll show her into the reception room.’

‘I’ll be right with you.’

As I came down the stairs, I came within range of the conversation. ‘Well, I must say! I suppose he thinks he can disorientate all comers, well enough of that!’

Upon entering the reception room, I found Julia sat in my usual seat, with a smug look on her face. ‘Good morning, Julia.’

‘Smashing view, you’ve got here Tony!’

‘Well thank you.’

Forced to observe the icy glaze of the departed Aunt, whilst listening to the present one, I was more than confirmed in my belief that hanging the picture where I had was a good idea. ‘...he still thinks you’re a bounder of the first water.’

‘What?’

‘Oh! Do pay attention. I said that your uncle is still smarting over you departing Checkley, early. Truth is he’s feeling his age, needs all the help he can get.’

‘Well, you must hire more help. Charlotte and I seem to have a life full of commitments these days.’

‘Really? I thought you did as you pleased.’

‘We do. There’s just a lot of it.’ At which point Charlie returned with coffee.

‘I take it you intend giving Lady Julia the full tour, sir?’

‘Oh, absolutely. You will stay for a scratch lunch Julia, we’re due at Jack’s garage early this pm.’

‘Er, thank you Tony.’

‘If you’ll excuse me madam, I’ll see what’s fresh in the veg garden.’

After Charlie had departed, Julia commented; ‘Charlotte’s very formal this morning, you been upsetting her?’

I ignored the jibe; ‘What you need is a friendly housekeeper, so you and uncle can spend more time outside.’

‘What we need is someone like Charlotte, who can just shimmer in, then shimmer out again.’

‘I noticed you’re using the truck today.’

‘Yes, your uncle has gone to town, more work for his lawyers. I know I shouldn’t say this, but I don’t want you making any silly arse, gorping remarks when he finally tells you. And, no disrespect to darling Charlotte, but strictly between ourselves, my beloved has done the decent thing and left all his worldly goods to me. So, in the fullness of time. And it might be a long time, given our closeness in age.’

‘Of course, understood.’

‘Still, I suppose if I lose my marbles, you could become in charge at the manor, de facto. I don’t want old age to be a pain. What would you do with the estate?’

‘Step on the accelerator, pump in a couple of million, turbocharge Uncle’s existing organic schemes.’

‘Much as you have with the magazine. We’re no longer losing money by the way. Lots of online attention and advertising revenue is well up. However, it’s not escaped my notice, how the website links to all the other of your Trust’s activities. We carry adverts for the Park, for your garden centre. You’ve even got County Estates taking a regular spread.’

‘Sound business practice, one doesn’t know where future growth will come from, but then if everything links, you don’t have to.’

‘Yes, I suppose so. Well now, you going to show me around then?’

‘Office!’ Commanded Jack on our arrival.

‘Office?’

‘Today’s main challenge is to get your new motor correctly written-up on the manufacturer’s computer. Take a seat. Fiona love, couple of mugs of goop for our guests. Right then, here goes, the thing is, because the vehicle has spent the best part of a year in their pound - hence me getting it at last year’s price - it has to go back into the factory for a thorough going over and we have to see if any of your personalisation isn’t best done there. So let me read back what you’ve actually ordered so far.’

And after what seemed an age, of back-and-forth questions, of computer box-ticking, he said; ‘Okay?’

‘Okay.’

‘Now, how’s this all going to play out? Assuming it arrives within about ten days.’

‘Right, well, we inspect it, pay-up and take it away to run-in, leaving the old one behind for servicing along with the various bits of computer kit I have acquired for it’s upgrading. All done on the assumption that most of the time it will be garaged at home, only making half a dozen trips a year for Charlie’s fishing expeditions and visits up-country to her parents. Meanwhile, whilst we’re trying out the new car, I have to work out how and where the extra computer is fitted, then we come in for the second exchange.’

‘You’ll need to brief my lads yourself Tony, most of it will be over my head.’

‘The additional computer probably goes under the rear bench; the main innovation, will be four, in-cab cameras...’

‘Oh, my god!’ Opined Charlie.

‘So, rather than monitor just individual behaviour, one can make a start on social interaction.’

‘Somebody told me your American friends had changed their name recently.’

‘It was a buy-out, the Trust took ten per cent of the stock in the new company, hence a regular income stream. But the UK licencing of facial recognition security applications stays the same. Nice little earner too, twelve police forces and three security agencies so far.’

‘I told you to stick with him love!’ He said, as an aside to Charlie.

‘Okay, okay.’ I said; ‘Can we now get to the real, main event? We’re itching to see the minibus.’

‘Now don’t be alarmed by it’s appearance, fact is, change of plan with the paint job.’ So said Jack as he led the way to the back of the workshop.

‘Ah! Yes. I see what you mean.’

‘I’ve got my two apprentices taking it all off, back to the metalwork. I took an executive decision when I saw the interior Birmingham were offering.’ Jack proceeded to show us inside. ‘The seats with that new upholstery, have been imported to go with the colour of these, now steam cleaned walls.’

‘Which suggests a sort of green and vanilla exterior?’

‘But not just any green, the green of the Park website, the green of The Countrywoman magazine.’

‘Brunswick Green, formally of the real GWR and early British Railways.’ So said Charlie.

‘Precisely Watson. Well done, Jack, your instincts are as sound as always.’

‘And just in case you were wondering.’ He then proceeded to show us the engine, which as far as I could tell looked brand spanking new.

Back in the office once more. ‘I don’t mean to pry, or anything, but it’s not like you to let your lads join a government scheme, having college lecturers forever snooping around.’

‘The only time my boys see the inside of that college is when they sit the exams. We pay our own way.’

‘But...’

‘We get away with it, Tony my old son, because my main man has more letters after his name, than any of those jokers at the college!’

‘Ah! Right. Well, when the bus is photograph-able, prepare a proper brochure with a real price. I’ll present it to the Park management committee, then, assuming it will be a substantial sum, get it signed off by Uncle, my Aunt Julia and myself as shareholders. But give me a realistic price as soon as possible so I can prepare the ground. Just one other thing, to make it work you need to provide and supply back-up fuel to go in it’s garage in the old stable block at the Park. So, any other business?’

‘Your architects think we should start re-configuring the filling station from the far end of the site, bit by bit, as and when, this electric thing takes off, or doesn’t.’

‘So, you build a new shop, stroke cafe, stroke pay point, stroke loos, to replace the coffee machine and yesterday’s sandwiches.’

‘Ever mindful that it’s not your general public who keep us in profit and whose habits we need to be responding to.’

‘How do you mean?’ Asked Charlie.

‘Perhaps you’ve not been at Jack’s filling station during unsocial hours?’

‘We make our money, Charlotte my dear, mostly at night, by refuelling public service vehicles, the emergency services and delivery lorries. Location, location, location.’

As we were settling back in the car, Charlie was catching-up on her mobile device. ‘A text from your trusted lieutenant, sir.’

‘Oh, yes?’

‘Wants to know if you have a date for the dinner dance?’

‘I don’t know yet, however, the inaugural nineteen forties dinner dance with swing band, should be marketed as our contribution to the Jubilee celebrations.’

‘Did you know Archie Layton was at university with the second in line to the throne?’

‘Of course, never shuts up about it. Always recalling how he first collided with them at old time Scottish dancing lessons... Charlie, you’ve done it again.’

‘What?’

‘Out of the mouths of babes and what’s it’s!’