151: Constitution

‘Where are you going?’

‘Brenda is demanding a crash meeting.’

‘About what?’

‘If I had to guess, this week’s political machinations at the Park!’

‘I’d better watch your back.’

‘Okay.’

‘Where?’

‘Back of the marina, I’ll try and steer her into the other cafe.’

‘Where you used to take Mary Tufnell back in the day. Piece of cake.’

‘I’m under pressure from the party; they want to know about this Constitution Group meeting at the Park.’

‘And what do you want?’

‘I want to be left alone to get on with building local support so I retain my seat whenever the election comes.’

‘As of now you probably will, since the opposition is so divided.’

‘So, what do you know?’

‘Well, this group has booked in for three days. Longer than usual and the founder of the group, Lord Coates, club member, isn’t exactly over the moon about it. He’s always had this belief that Brexit benefits won’t happen unless you repeal legal and constitutional changes dating back twenty-five years. But now the pressure from below is to forge an alliance amongst all the disaffected groups on the Right, but that means all sorts of people who have failed in the past are now creeping out of the woodwork, looking for a second chance. Coffee?’

We settled in the cafe, my phone pinged with a message, looking up I said; ‘Do you have any security with you?’

‘No. I’m too junior, and at home in my constituency. Why?’

‘Oh, just routine. No, I think the real point is this fringe conference is just the sort of thing that will get the national media buzzing, especially if they spot ex-prime ministers dropping by. People conspiring, that will be their angle. You just need to keep your head down. And the message to your bosses must surely be, infighting on the Right is good for us. How’s your minister?’

‘Feeling the heat, he’s begun to realise that any future delays to local road and rail are going to be squarely blamed on him! Says all that steel girder-ing in your bridge has cost a fortune.’

‘Of course, electric vehicles weigh a ton! Still, our authentic stone facade is well underway.’

‘A watching brief.’ I said to Charlie as she drove us to the club on day one. ‘We stay out of it as much as possible, simply loiter in the lounge and bar, hoping to gather useful intelligence.’

There was a uniformed police presence in the carpark. Requests for ID. And low and behold as we entered the lounge; ‘I want a word with you two!’

‘Don! How are you?’

‘I thought the three of us were friends. But twice you’ve handed royal scoops to your aunt’s coffee table, ladies mag.’

‘We do have to try and be even handed. Besides, there are two autumn stories likely to break before Christmas, where I’m sure we can give each other a helping hand.’

‘Like what?’

‘Well, give you an off-the-record comment.’

‘I meant, what stories?’

‘I suppose both could be called celebrity stories.’

‘Charlie, what’s he talking about?’

‘No idea Don, first I’m hearing about it!’

A while later I saw Frimley emerge from the office looking harassed. ‘Anthony, just the chap. Do help get the club sec off my back, I really can’t be held responsible for attendees, let alone pay for their peccadilloes. You’re the only one with enough authority to put the boot-in.’

‘I’ll do what I can. Charlie and I will be here each day keeping an eye out.’

‘What a fine fellow you are. By the way, the rumour at Westminster is that Brenda’s minister is slowly going mad, begging the PM to reshuffle him, but of course the PM wants him to stay put and carry the can.’

‘Don’t you mean kick the can down the road, from one end of the county to the other.’

‘That’s rather good. Twenty-five years sounds about right then.’ He said, drifting off.

‘Anthony! Here you are.’

‘Buffy.’

‘Still content being a big fish, in a small pool?’ He said, looking around with an air of disdain.

‘Call me old fashioned, but I have this strange liking for getting the job done. Why are you here, your fellow attendees must wish to skin you alive.’

‘Men need to be led; they enjoy the smack of firm government. Talking of which, has Rory arrived yet?’

‘I’ve no idea. As usual I’m merely here to keep an eye on the family silver.’

‘That motorway of yours will never get built.’

‘Oh, but it will, as far as our great cathedral city, along with the old rail link.’

‘How come?’

‘Beyond the point of no return, legally and financially. If they follow our advice then it will come in reasonably on time, and budget. The twenty-five years is for all points West, beyond our bridge over the Morestead line.’

‘What makes you so sure?’

‘Think how many constituencies lie beyond, dependant on that road. And our local MP is ideally placed, to keep the minister in harness.’

‘What has she got on him?’

‘You do not wish to know!’

Once the conference was in session, Charlie and I hung around the hall, otherwise known as the games room. Between games of pool, we’d watch events on the modest, head-high monitor just to one side of the ballroom doors. But there were moments of boredom too, at such times one ends up reading the club noticeboard; ‘Notice to staff. No Lanyards Permitted. ID must be concealed but presented on request.’ Amen to that I thought.

‘Tony, come and listen to this.’ I wandered over. ‘Rory is making his speech, but it’s just his old speech from five years ago!’

‘It’s been billed as the “Flotterton manifesto”; he must have updated it.’

‘No, you can see where he hesitates, realises it’s a topical reference from back along, fluffs the line. Listen.’

‘Now the PM may not permit, er, did not permit, the word austerity to pass his lips, in this he is, was correct, for shaving budgets here and there for a few years will never be enough. The only way out is to cut absolutely the bloated and unnecessary state apparatus, the mindless bureaucracy which has grown around us all over the last fifty years. But, unlike entrepreneurial led growth, cutting the state is not a bottom-up process, quite the reverse. Number Ten must lead by example, the very cabinet table of which we are so proud, only comfortably sits eleven or twelve ministers, plus the Prime Minister himself and the Cabinet Secretary, there to record the minutes. With a reduction in ministries, there would be the chance of real cabinet government, again. Such was the situation the last time this country could call itself great. Now, we have a Cabinet Office employing a staggering eight thousand people.’

‘This is embarrassing, and I'm not even in the room!’

‘A Colonial Office of a few hundred administered an empire, now the same number hand out aid we can ill afford, for projects where we never discover whether they worked or not. A policy of intervention in the affairs of others is an outrageous foreign policy, hugely expensive and merely encourages antipathy towards the West. I say trade, not aid.’

‘Your fantasy of the Anglosphere, the new Victorians...’

‘The NHS has become a monster out of control, creating endless demand, as the population gets ever unhealthier. How wrong Bevan and the men from the ministry were, to believe that the real cost of the NHS would fall over time as less people got ill.'

At which point, one of the ballroom doors opened gingerly, and a shock of blonde hair stuck its head out; ‘Ah, Charlie, Anthony!’

‘We’ve been watching on the screen.’

‘Yes, I was wondering if anyone... I say, no secrets between us three, not for years, right?’

‘It’s word for word; he’s just reading it out!’ Exclaimed Charlie.

‘Yes, I told him to develop it a bit, perhaps he picked up the wrong draft, nerves no doubt, that’ll be it. Lady Prudence is in the front row after all. You surely don’t want the credit for it, Anthony?’

‘By no means! Besides, it was your idea. I was thinking of the rumour mill.’

‘Who have you told?’

‘No one. Do you talk in your sleep? I understand Carrie’s reminiscences, taped by the Don, were heavily redacted for publication.’

‘Good God! Still today’s speech is just the basis for an argument, the great historian is up in a minute, he’ll put flesh on the bones, repeal and restore, that’s the ticket, kick the new puritans into the street, proper restoration, no need for civil war, anyway I must get back...’

‘I thought he’d been cancelled?’

‘No, no he’s here, sat next to Prue, bright as ever, can’t be a day short of eighty.’

148: Is that it?

I stood in the car park and waved Daphne on her way, hoping time would prove to be the great healer. Amazing how she couldn’t bring herself to blame her father even a little for dropping her in it for an entire lifetime. That she should be annoyed with me, was par for the course. I needed another drink and made straight for the bar, ignoring all and sundry, abandoning my usual caution and only looking around once I’d quenched my thirst.

‘Tony! Over here.’ Oh, lord. Vic was still here; I’d forgotten about her in all the excitement. ‘Char-lotte, let me tell you, will not, be handling anything for Tuffy. We have been having...’

‘A drink, or three?’

‘A girl’s, heart to heart, on the subject of men, and their needs. Ha!’ And there indeed was Charlie, sat meekly beside the Lady Victoria, though judging by the colour of the liquid in her glass she’d been following her normal modus operandi of not indulging! ‘We agree, she’s done all she can, Tuffy is a lost cause. I shall merely tell him to grow old gracefully, like myself. He must submit to my preferences or forego the marital bed.’

‘Right, excellent, very good.’

At which point Charlie stood up; ‘We must go Vic, we’re on a bit of a schedule, we’ll talk soon.’

‘So, it’s all off then, any thoughts of snaffling millions from Swiss bank accounts.’ Commented Charlie as she drove us homeward.

‘Archie said let it go, so I shall. Besides I have more than I could have hoped for, the meta data is vast, I can work out where my parents were, if not their motives, throughout my early years. Still, at the end of the day, can any of us truly say we know the mind of another?’

‘You mean us?’

‘I mean everyone.’

‘Don’t we all need to understand each other better? Shouldn’t we all be seeking even greater empathy?’

‘That’s very philosophical of you. But no, the answer to both your questions, is no. We just have to get on, as in like being in the presence of. Conversation, explanation is merely a way of passing the time.’

‘Very good, sir.’

Whit bank holiday Monday dawned bright and breezy, I was leisurely surveying the contents of my email when I was genuinely taken by surprise. ‘Charlie!’ I called from my seat in the media room.

‘Sir?’

‘An email from one of your co-conspirators.’

‘Oh, yes?’

‘Barney Benson, sounding me out would you believe, as to whether, should I receive a formal invitation, I’d be willing to accept a seat on the board of the Gruber Foundation.’

‘But? All that fuss that Daphne made, back along.’

‘Precisely.’

‘She must have changed her mind. How? What’s happened? You must have schemed this!’

‘No, no. Unless of course she feels grateful in some way, wants to show her appreciation.’

‘What have you done for her?’

‘Well, this whole secret world thing, I may have inadvertently done the right thing. She may have come to think of herself as a victim over the years, who knows?

‘More like she wants you on the inside pissing-out, rather than on the outside pissing-in!’

Later, in the afternoon, I was at my desk when my concentration was broken once more. ‘Are we in or out?’ Said the voice behind me, adding the usual surly, ‘sir’.

‘Good gracious, is that the time already?’

‘We’ve been in the garden for hours, whilst you’ve been skiving up here.’

‘Then you’ll know whether the weather says in or out.’

‘Out, in fact tea is already on the table, I’m just here to chivvy you out.’

‘Two minutes I promise.’

‘It had better be. Master Timothy wishes to discuss what he’s uncovered at your garden centre.’ And with that she was gone.

‘I mean I realise it’s none of my business, but it’s like people are holding out on me. It must be obvious to everyone that there’s a load more going on round the back. And then there’s that funny little counter that says, “farm shop” but which only appears to open for about half an hour at the end of the day. Some days it has a fair amount of stock, but most days barely anything.’

‘Well Tim, where to begin? Firstly, be in no doubt it is a genuine garden centre, right down to all the extras that such places have added down the years. The difference is that everything sold has come from farms and other business renting land or property from the Trust. And as a business it is directly owned by the Trust and of course is on Trust land. However, there is also the warehouse owned by the Trust, but officially nothing happens there. No money actually changes hands, it’s all bartering, gifting and exchange of goods. You see, the thing is... Why are you all giving me funny looks?’

‘I promise you this is the first I’m hearing about this.’ Charlie said to the others. ‘And we’re coming up to our tenth anniversary!’

‘Yes well, the thing is, I’m taking a risk here Tim, I don’t think your “uncle”, and certainly not my uncle, appreciate quite the trick we’re pulling here.’

‘I like to think I’m my own man, sir.’

‘Good lad, and don’t you smirk young Melisa, pay attention, your father let me tell you is on a buying spree right now, he’ll hoover up every scrap of land in the county and beyond, which either the Trust or the Duchy don’t already have.’

‘So, what is going on behind the handcrafted garden furniture, scented candles and home kitchen carrot cake?’

‘Thank you, Charlie! Well, farmers have always shared and shared alike with neighbours since the year dot, but these days there are extra difficulties. The days of the family owned, middle-sized, mixed farm, where you could be anything up to fifty per cent self-sufficient, are over. Margins are so tight, if you take an evening out to dig your own veg, well you’re burning money.’

‘But the trust’s portfolio has many specialised farms, including market gardens, orchards.’

‘Your ahead of me Tim. All within a few miles of each other, not to mention the craft brewery, and a bakery which is sort of semi-artisanal!’

‘But even so, sir. The transport, time, labour of moving stuff, ordering just when you want fresh produce?’

‘Do call me Anthony, or Tony, Tim! But yes, the trick was ordering online for a delivery within twenty-four hours by the next garden centre van coming your way, or a self-pick-up from the warehouse, but even that began to be uneconomic.’

‘So?’ Said Melisa.

‘Well I might as well say, you’re all in the loop anyway whether you realise it or not. So, I picked the lowest mileage garden centre van took it to Jack’s, he fitted it out with a computer comparable in size to those in our cars, sticks one of Eltham’s dishes in the roof and gives the driver the biggest screen possible, I bang in the best off-the-shelf estimating and logistics software and send the driver off to visit every likely location, every day for a week. Then we have our own map, real times, real distances at various times of day, real fuel consumption, real cost. Then I just had to programme in compulsory refuelling at Jack’s filling station. So, any farmer can feed to the driver’s screen in real time, anytime, or speak to him if it’s some kind of override like, cut flowers and beer for someone’s birthday or whatever! The driver just follows instructions on screen and the receiver gets estimated times of arrival and hopefully a pick-up too. Talking of hope, I’ve an idea that after a full year everyone will be back to traditional seasonal behaviour...’

147: Restoration

When lounging it’s always wise to keep half an eye on the door. It may only give one a second or so to prepare oneself, but nonetheless. I was in the veranda bar at the club, enjoying a glass of the club claret to calm my nerves before meeting Daphne and whatever officials she might have trailing in her wake. The set-up for our encounter was done, but it was me alone, against the might of the British state. Charlie was excluded; it wasn’t about Murchison’s estate anymore.

‘Tony! Thank goodness. Be a love and get me a drink. I’ve been looking for you high and low, is your phone switched off?’ So said the Lady Victoria, floating forth, seemingly from nowhere.

‘Excuse me?’

‘It’s Tuffy of course, who else! I swear, one day I’ll end up giving him a clip around the earhole.’

‘What?’

‘He’s become obsessed, no other word for it, with his, well one hardly knows how to say it, with his declining sexual powers shall we say.’

‘Ah, comes to us all in the end. Look, I’m sorry. Here’s your drink. Fact is, I can’t really talk right now, I’m somewhat distracted, I have a rather important meeting, scheduled to start in less than two minutes.’

‘Well, I wouldn’t mention it at all, in the normal way of things, it’s just he’s comparing himself with you, as always. Convinced that you couldn’t possibly be subject to the same aging processes as the rest of us...’

I’d drained my glass and was already moving away; ‘Tell him to consult Charlie, I’m sure she can handle it for him.’

We sat as I’d intended at the large table in the club committee room. I occupied one of the long sides with my back to the window, Daphne the short side nearest the door, whilst my two interlocutors sat opposite. However, the opportunity for conversation or argument seemed severely limited. They'd been introduced merely as Mr Legal and Mr Security.

I tried to make the silence of us all settling-in last as long as possible, ponderously laying out my documents in a line. To my far left the cavernous envelope in which my package had arrived, then the pile of photocopies of ancient documents. Next the covering letter demanding my signature and future silence. Finally, the two Swiss passports.

‘We are not here to negotiate Mr Arlington, if you just sign the top sheet and pass across the passports we can be on our way.’

‘Oh! Be reassured gentleman, I fully intend to sign and hand over the offending items. I merely need to be confident I understand what it is I’m signing for. Actually, I could have phrased that better. I understand perfectly well what I’m looking at, I just need to know I’ve made the correct interpretation.’

‘What you will sign has the legal status of what our American cousins like to call an NDA.’

‘Yes, but then there isn’t an NDA in the world that applies in the case of alleged criminal activity.’

‘I trust you’re not suggesting...’

‘No, no, how could there be, impossible for a state sponsored secret organisation working in collaboration with a foreign power, albeit a neutral one. Item one.’ I continued, picking up the envelope. ‘Postmarked Ottawa, somewhat distant for a government communication?’

‘Our Canada station, within the High Commission, British soil as it were, you notice the letterhead on the accompanying letter. In the age of the internet, we tend to farm-out rote administrative tasks to whoever is idle at the time.’

‘I see, gosh, all this transatlantic English, dear me. Still, brings us neatly to the photocopied documents themselves. Recently couriered across the border, were they? Your clerk just adding the letter and posting the whole thing to me?’

Mr Legal looked at Mr Security, then said; ‘No comment, Mr Arlington, can we get on.’

‘The coding on the bottom left of each page indicates an HP office printer about seven years old, whilst the code in the top left has been adding automatically as the previously scanned original documents, arrived electronically into the system. The code being famously, perhaps one should say notoriously, associated with a system used by the US, NSA.’

‘I am merely a lawyer, sir. We are advised of course of your commercial interests in modern tech and long association with our host’s husband.’

‘I was surprised at first how few names had been redacted, then it occurred to me, they were all codenames. The pages of the so called “visitors book” of the property purchased in my parents worknames, is most illuminating, thank you. Perhaps you’re not aware of just how much handwriting recognition software has come on in recent decades. Nor just how wide ranging my family archives have become.’ No reaction, apart from Daphne looking increasingly anxious. ‘For a couple of occasional freelancers, hired to be confidential couriers under the guise of European touring car enthusiasts, it was very generous of the secret intelligence service to provide a three-bed apartment located in the central business district of Zurich, don’t you think?’

Still no reaction. ‘Well, let me just boldly state my interpretation of a few more selected facts. Whilst my parents barely stopped overnight a couple of times a year, confirmed by the passports, and dear Kenneth stayed but once at the outset, no doubt to install all the electronics, his identity is confirmed by the way, by his actual workname appearing on the back of one of the photos in the album he left us. Forty years he seems to have struggled to get this information to whom it may concern.’ More blank faces. ‘Moving on, curious how the visitors always arrived as couples, don’t you think, the nineteen seventies, and eighties, you weren’t that much of an equal opportunity employer, were you? I say nineteen eighties because my parents died at the top of one page, but someone forgot to redact the rest of the page. Cross referencing with the personnel pages, dates and payments, it seems impossible but my virtual parents seem to have enjoyed a somewhat longer life than my actual parents! Knowing Ken as one did, his old-fashioned morals, I bet he thought he was looking at a free holiday home for a select few, with ample female company and money laundering facilities on tap. No wonder you don’t want a stab at recovering assets. Lease the place still do you, under another name?’

‘Enough! Just sign the damn thing and pass the passports over Tony, then we can all go home.’

Which of course I immediately did, there being no better barometer of my personal interest than Daphne.

‘You used me.’ She said after they’d gone, now seemingly reluctant to leave.

‘Well, they used you to get to me, I was merely returning the favour.’

‘The other people you’ve identified who used the Zurich safe house...’

‘Don’t say another word! The point is they gave me more than they needed to, more than just about the life of my parents, they snared me and I showed them I knew I’d been snared. So now we all know that if I start shouting my mouth off, I could be prosecuted under the Official Secrets Act and, or all subsequent legislation. Much the same situation as you’ve found yourself in since you achieved the age of reason. But the other side of the equation, is that they’ve given themselves, and me come to that, plausible deniability. By setting up a leak, from a no doubt disgruntled lowly clerk and wannabe whistle-blower employed by a foreign power. And I suggest that there, we let it lie.’

145: Electric diner

‘Where are we going?’ I asked, as Charlie veered off the usual route to the Park.

‘Jack’s.’

‘But you filled-up a couple of days ago.’

‘I know. But there have been developments, and I need to show you.’

‘You could have just told me.’

‘Well, no not really. You rely too much on me you know. When it comes to the filling station, the classic car workshop, Jack’s other nefarious activities, Fiona, even Mel these days.’

‘You’re my eyes and ears Sparkwell, give me details.’

‘In case you’ve forgotten, sir, the deal was, all those years ago, that I take care of the car, singular. In exchange for free use. What you neglected to explain, was just what your relationship to Jack really is. I really don’t know, what you need to know. But I do know you need to see this.’

‘Yes, you’re quite right, as usual.’ Having parked in the car park we sat and stared. The name above the entrance to what I still think of as the new pay point, come shop, come cafe and comfort break area at the filling station, had changed. Somewhat larger, and now a flashing neon sign, it read Electric Diner.

‘Very American.’ Was her only comment.

‘But at least it’s not on the roof, projecting to the sky. That would have required planning permission one assumes.’

‘Come on.’ Said Charlie, making to exit the vehicle.

‘There’s more?’

‘Of course, the whole interior is made out like a diner.’

‘You’re telling me Jack has forked out for a full interior redesign just a couple of years after the original was built?’

‘Oh, yes.’

‘Didn’t come to me for the money!’

‘Maybe he’s doing better than he’s letting on.’

Whilst the pay point and shop looked substantially the same, the cafe area was altogether different. We took seats at the counter.

‘What can I get you folks?’

‘Blimey!’

‘I say!’ I added, as a uniformed Melisa smiled upon us. ‘Still Jack’s general dogsbody I take it?’

‘No!’

‘Skirt’s a bit short.’ Said Charlie.

‘I’m just here for ten days, overseeing the opening, I’m Jack’s right hand these days.’

‘Masquerading as a waitress in a burger joint. Anyway, what do you recommend?

‘Double cheeseburger with extra fries, a tenner each.’

‘What!’

‘Proper big buns, hand-flipped hamburgers.’

‘Flown in a new short order Chef from Vegas, has he?

‘No, same staff.’

‘Still must have cost a bit.’

‘Jack says the filling station is a profit centre.’

‘First in a thousand years! Two coffees, thank you.’

After we’d had a chance to take in the ambience for a minute or two, the truth suddenly dawned. ‘I know where he’s got this from, Eltham.’

‘How come?’

‘He’s been roaming his social media, picked up what’s been developing with recharging for Makepeace’s US EVs.’

‘Well?’

‘There’s three or four now, combination drive-in, or drive-by, rechargers plus burger joints and cinemas, all retro nineteen fifties style. You park, plug-in, order a meal from the car, it’s delivered to you as you watch a movie on the big outdoor screen.’

‘And pay from your device, presumably.’

‘Of course.’

After a few more minutes Mel returned; ‘Sure I can’t get you anything to eat?’

‘No, I have to keep a tight rein on Tony’s appetites.’

‘So, what are you saying Mel, Jack’s training you up as some kind of personal assistant?’

‘Thinks I’m management material. Good at reading people, seeing opportunities for what they are. He also, well, I think he’s sees how you and Charlie operate and...’

‘He’s older than I am! And he’s been married to his childhood sweetheart for over forty years.’

‘I didn’t mean like that, what do you take me for?’

‘He knows Mel, he’s deliberately misunderstanding, he can’t help himself.’

‘So, does he want you to sell cars, or be a female enforcer perhaps?’

‘I don’t know, all I know is it works, I sort of gather information in, and he says he can think aloud when I’m around, bounce ideas of me.’

‘Oh well, if you’re that important, you should be able to name your own price. Anyway, onward and upward, Charlie we must hit the road.’

‘Might see you later then Tony.’

‘Really?’

‘Well, you’re off to your secret session with Tim, aren’t you?’

‘Not so secret it would seem.’

I went in search of George, our senior grounds person. For although I sort a private consultation with Tim, I’d no intention of queering the pitch for him. He was after all, a student under George’s supervision. I found him sitting on one of the new, old-style park benches, on the far side of the pond, finishing his tuck. ‘Afternoon George.’

‘Mr Arlington, sir.’ He said, doffing a non-existent cap and rising to his feet.

‘Oh, lord. Not you as well, I get enough of that from Sparkwell.’ I said sitting down.

‘But you do deserve respect, you found these benches, they’re actually comfortable to sit on!’ Now he sat back down again.

‘Thank you. Cost a fortune though, we must devise a way of doing our own repairs in the fullness of time.’

‘We have some wood set aside from the new water pipe business, I’ll keep an eye out. Now then, you’re here to ask me about that young Tim, am I correct?’

‘You are indeed.’

‘Soon as he mentioned he was doing your garden, I thought, hello! Not like we’ve had students before.’

‘Well, how’s he doing?’

‘Fine. Good worker, I’d give him a job. But he, has ideas.’

‘And that’s bad?’

‘No, but he’s no Joseph Paxton, is he?’

‘Oh, I don’t know, we must remember Paxton was only twenty-three when the duke offered him the position of Head Gardener at Chatsworth.’

‘Yes, but in case you hadn’t noticed, we’re half the size of Chatsworth.’

‘But the house is a similar age.’

‘Oh, I get it. You like him because you, think he’s like you.’

‘Where is he by the way?’

‘Chatting up the old biddies in the walled garden.’

I stood a moment, half shielded by the iron work of the gates. Tim was demonstrating something about digging to a group of our bungalow residents. Either that, or it was their way of getting someone else to do the work. Enough I thought and strode forth. ‘Afternoon all!’

‘Afternoon Anthony.’ Said Ada.

‘I need to borrow young Tim here for a few minutes I’m afraid.’

‘You will bring him back won’t you, we’re learning ever so much.’ Said another.

‘Of course.’

Once out of earshot, behind the wall where the lean-to potting sheds used to stand, I asked; ‘Did you get the package?’

‘Yes, I’ve made a start, fascinating read, I hadn’t realised your uncle was really such a distant relation of the original earls.’

‘I was hoping it was the details of the original parkland and gardens that would fascinate!’

He laughed; ‘They do sir, honestly, it’s just, well as the title says, “Cattle Rustlers to Courtiers”, the occupants are intriguing. All my ancestors seem so deferential, even some of the living specimens...’

‘Quite, now then, lets walk. My uncle’s scheme always was restoration, the club, the spa, conference facilities, merely a means to an end. The walled garden, a case in point, a reasonable compromise provided the users don’t develop an allotment mentality. The expansion of the golf course to eighteen holes, an opportunity to reorientate the entire place back to what it once was, a house and park with uninterrupted vistas all the way to the sea. Unashamed anti-modernism if you will, big C conservation and not a windmill in sight. Would your lecturers approve?’

‘Probably not. But you’ll get no objections from me.’

‘Good lad.’

141: Christmas curfuffle

‘She’s left me!’

‘Who?’

‘My wife of course.’

‘Prudence?’

‘Who else?!’

‘It, er, just seems so unlikely, she’s not been in touch with me.’

‘Why would she?’

‘Well... What have you done Rory?’

‘Nothing.’

‘You must have done something, or not done something.’

‘All I did was show her the first few pages of my novel.’

‘Novel! I didn’t even know you could write; I thought Prue did all that for you.’

‘It was putting pen to paper that caused her to leg it to her sister’s, now I’ve got writer’s block.’

‘What’s the book about?’

‘A political thriller of course. Murder, mayhem and sexual intrigue at the heart of Westminster. A dastardly villain, foiled by the hero and his girl assistant.’

‘Oh, yes.’

‘Certain to be a best seller, what with all my inside knowledge and that. That’ll show her.’

‘What exactly did Prue disapprove of?’

‘She said, she accused me of sexing-up a tired old narrative copied from real life.’

‘Thought the villain was based on someone did she?’

‘Yes. A Machiavellian master of spin, who’ll stop at nothing to get to be Prime Minister. Behind the soft eyes, the soft soap and the touchy-feely approach lay a mind obsessed with power.’

‘I see. Of course, something not so different was done on tv about thirty-five years ago if I recall. Though then the PM was very much played as a Shakespearian villain.’

‘Yes, well I was still at school then.’

A moment later we were interrupted by Walpole; ‘Anthony, a word in your shell-like, sorry to intrude.’

‘My dear fellow, you look like you’ve seen a ghost.’

‘I have; I’ve been haunted for three days now.’

‘Good lord.’

‘Tell me I’m hallucinating, they’re not living here, are they? I saw him, and what was presumably his wife, coming out of our supermarket! Helene didn’t notice thank God, otherwise she’d have insisted we be sociable. It was then I thought I must be seeing things.’

‘Henry! You were carrying the state-of-the-art mobile device given you by the railway?’

‘Of course.’

‘Then why, oh why didn’t you immediately text Charlie? Why worry for three whole days until you bumped into me? I mean, the one person in the world likely to be most sympathetic, the one person even more sensitive to the whereabouts of her father than you!’

‘I didn’t want to worry her.’

‘Sparkwell KC and the mother-in-law by proxy, have been coming and going since the summer, he’s retired. They have finally settled on a property in a rather obscure corner of the county, with the aid of friend of the Trust, Thayer.’

‘So, you have the situation entirely under control?’

‘You think I’d, let the side down?’

At which point up wandered Junior Jack. ‘Grand palace you've got here Tony, Charlie about?’

‘Of course, probably rounding up committee members to serve lunch to the staff. Christmas tradition. Talking of which, Christmas Eve is members only. Who let you in?’

‘I am a member. Hah, that’s floored you. Can’t work out how I’d get in on merit rather than have you pulling the strings.’

‘I’m quite respectful of your merits John, taking over from your father as chair of the hotel company and the numerous other leisure interests, director of the railway; but here, here you need influence, two members at least who think you’d fit in, no longer one of them, but one of us.’

‘All right, that’s enough thinking time, who proposed me and who seconded?’

‘And names that would resonate with the current committee, well Charlie would fit the bill as one, the other...’

‘You can’t think can you, I always knew the day would come when I out-smarted you, beat you on your own ground. Think about it, you can let me know any time, no cheating mind.’ Then he walking away, leaving me in peace, I hoped, before lunch kicked-off.

‘Tony!’

‘Ah! The real Jack.’

‘What mate?’

‘As opposed to John who only has the nickname Junior Jack, sorry I’m being bombarded with new news today. How’s tricks?’

‘Electric buses by Christmas they said, ha!’

‘But the buses have arrived, some are on the road already being tested. I saw it on the news.’

‘Must be true then!’

‘The bus company depot is just down the road from you. They’ve put them all in the timetable on their premier routes, allowing cascading on other routes.’

‘And just a few boneshakers to be retained for filling-in, in the unlikely event.’

‘But somewhere along the line someone has cocked-up otherwise you wouldn’t look so gleeful.’

‘Just because a recharger has the capability to rapidly recharge, doesn’t mean it always does.’

‘Oh dear, and if they’re downstream of you, so to speak, and you have increased demand.’

‘It’s really about switching, phasing and timing, or something like that, so they tell me, rather than actual demand, but yes, they can’t recharge fast enough for the number of units they need to push through to meet the timetable. Very embarrassing. If you use the route passing the depot and have just got use to the clean, quiet and sweet smelling, then along comes a broken down...’

‘I see.’

‘...and that’s not the worst of it, you have the new battery trains in view on your journey more often than you might think, and have to pass the rich bastards coming out of our place, not to mention public service vehicles charging away.’

‘Lightens the heart.’

‘I’ve something else that’ll amuse you even more. Wainwright’s retiring.’

‘Retiring! She’s younger than I am, I still think of her as a hot babe.’

‘I’ll tell Charlie.’

‘Sparkwell is in a league of her own I’ll have you know, uncategor-risable.’

‘That’s not a word.’

‘It is, has been for thirty years. Anyway, they’ve not kicked her out, have they?’

‘Thirty-five years of service, full pension. Looking to consult, on the side.’

‘Then you should bury the hatchet, put her on a retainer.’

‘Not a chance. It wouldn’t be gamekeeper turned poacher, she’d be reporting back to the new lord of the manor within days.’

‘Met Mel’s Dad yet?’

‘Sure. Nice bloke, checking us out for his daughter’s sake, but respectful with it. I like that. I assumed he was a mate of yours.’

‘We were at school together.’

‘Course’ you were.’

‘Excuse me Jack, I have to find Charlie before the bun fight begins!’

I had to wander for a bit, but then turning into the corridor, I saw them. All three of them. Standing, but in a huddle nonetheless. Benson, Layton and Sparkwell. Archie seemed to be doing most of the talking, putting them straight about something. Charlie, nodding, listening, could she truly be trusted? Surely, she must be potentially, my greatest blind spot. I decided I had time to stand and stare. Let them notice me. When they did, she came over and said, conspiratorially; ‘It’s the drive-by solicitors.’

‘What?’

‘Out on the white-collar industrial estate, at the end of the motorway. And the others of course, financial consultants, administrative types. They’re the ones leading the pack over sports ground advertising. Only the middle classes can afford tickets these days, and new grounds are all out of town.’

‘Then why the hell are Bernard and Brinkley aping them, their strategy is meant to be niche marketing?’

‘Well, that’s Barney’s point. And Archie thinks we should stay traditional because AI will make, those on the make, redundant soon enough.’

I tried not to smile my satisfaction, since we were clearly being observed; ‘Why are they here today?’

‘Archie’s the guest speaker.’

‘Oh! Excellent, a man of discernment. So, changing the subject entirely, you’ve been asserting your influence I hear, and now it seems there are two people you’ve slipped passed the membership committee whilst no one was looking?’

‘Well, Barney was proposed by Archie, I just seconded him.’

‘And Junior Jack?’

‘I helped him with the form, then proposed him. Like you did for me.’

‘Who seconded him?’

‘I don’t know.’

‘We’re meant to be full-up!’

‘But what’s the point of influence if you don’t use it?’

‘Where the hell is Mackintosh when one needs him?’

‘He’s got his own manor to run.’

140: Swing

‘Captain’s orders, sir. You are to report to his cabin afore noon.’

‘Not aft.’

‘No, sir.’ 

‘How’s his mobility been lately?’

‘Not good, he needs a lift anywhere beyond Royal Oak, his mind seems okay though.’

‘I see, what does he want to talk about?’

‘Absolutely no idea.’

Throughout the autumn, we’d been playing musical chairs, literally. First, we cleared Ken’s flat, anything usable or valuable we stacked around the ground and first floors of the villa. Then we ascended to the second floor and contemplated the two attic rooms, still not in use and still full of the surplus possessions of the late Aunt. We both agreed about the objective, that being to provide two, all be they small, guest bedrooms, but we lacked the will to act. After a couple of days rest and recuperation however, we found the will. Inevitably, more came out than went back in. The two new single bedrooms looked very nice though!

Charlie then took a photographic inventory of what she felt might be useful to Royal Oak, their response was very gratifying, they handed the entire project to the removals division of the not-for-profit second-hand furniture and domestic appliance shop. They in turn gave us their exclusive attention for a day, loading our entire surplus onto the van, proceeded to Royal Oak and allowed them a generous amount of time to select and unload anything they fancied. They then proceeded to the shop for their selection, leaving only the detritus for the dump.

In all this great turnaround, I had at the back of my mind thoughts of my parent’s role in life and what might have spurred Ken’s interest. Charlie had naturally set aside his ‘documents of life’, and graciously allowed me temporary custody of his two passports, which I determined to use to add data to my infographic along with my own first passport and those of the aunt Elisabeth.

‘I’ve been thinking about Ken’s memorial.’ Said Charlie as she steered me towards my encounter with the good captain. ‘It has to be gardens related.’

‘That does have a certain logic.’

‘Maybe the Trust could use the funds to sponsor scholarships in horticulture.’

‘I wasn’t aware young Tim was short of a bob or two.’

‘Bob’s what?’

‘A colloquialism from another age, let me rephrase; I'm not aware Tim is short of the readies.’

‘Well, not necessarily him, but there could be several annually, if the money was properly invested.’

‘Perhaps.’ We were coming to a halt at Royal Oak. ‘Right now, there’s something a little more pressing that I need to discuss before we go inside.’

‘Well?’

‘Mel still volunteers here once in a while, right?’

‘Half a day a week usually, why?’

‘Have there been any rumours about her coming from a wealthy family?’

‘I don’t think so, and anyway she doesn’t come across that way.’

‘If they find out, don’t let Bob, or anyone else for that matter, touch her for funds for the charity.’

‘I don’t get it, I mean I know she’ll push a twenty in the collection box from time to time.’

‘I’ve been at this game for thirty-five years, if she’s approached now, it’ll backfire. It has to come from her. The point is, the Gruber Foundation is a good long-term bet for real funding, numbers that could make their future secure. But it has to be done right. Bob would muck it up. So too, any professional beggars from the charity industry who may be hanging around. Okay? Right, let’s get on with it, I imagine it’ll be hard cop, soft cop again today.’

Royal Oak looked noticeably more, well, ship-shape than on my previous visits. It was also losing its institutional look, helped along a little by some of the pieces we'd donated. Inside the old Admiral’s study, that we so flippantly refer to as “the captain’s cabin”, the transformation was altogether of a different order. Gone were the disorganised contents of the yacht; organised they now made the room look even more cabin-like. It appeared long and cramped, demanding order, with barely enough space for his narrow cot. Two, high chairs and a large plain table, strewn with architect’s drawings, illustrations and lists, rather than maps and charts. Charlie slipped into the free chair, I found space to stand behind her, for all the world like a consort for a queen. ‘Now then, Anthony, time to move to the next phase, our most pressing problem, housing, where can our clients move on to?’

‘Why are you asking me?’

‘Damn it man, you’re one of the biggest property and landowners in the county. And there’s a housing crisis!’

‘Our town properties have an over ninety per cent occupancy, only those in the process of being sold or restored can in any sense be called vacant. And our rural properties have an actual one hundred per cent occupancy rate, one out one in, cheap rents offered to other family or community members. We, in our small way have a profitable farming community, because they’re not owners. Bit like you, your cheap rent is a chance for you to get on your feet, whilst we carry the cost of the building’s upkeep. Besides, your problem isn’t future housing for clients, it’s future work.’

‘But decent secure housing... Many will never work, and those that do will need secure addresses, benefit support...’

‘Sod the practicalities, they’ll take care of themselves, the clients will want to sort them, my point is you’re putting the cart before the horse.’

‘How so?’

‘You sold the idea of this place to me on the basis that clients with mental health issues had particular problems, they feel confined by conventional homes, need to be outside a lot of the time, free to roam, never been able to settle to a timetabled life, least not one that isn’t of their own design, but they do need purposeful work. Perhaps work is the wrong word, purposeful activity, by which I mean, whether paid or not, they must be able to see, at the end of every day, the product of their endeavours. And the same is true of the would-be craftsman, as it is for someone who is just being there for someone else. The kind of place to call home, follows from that.’

‘I see. You’ve clearly thought this through. Which suggests to me, you do have something in mind.’

‘No, just bring me an individual who is enthusiastic about any of the Trust’s activities, then if suitable, accommodation will be part of the package!’

It was Swing Night, the club’s calendar having had something of a rescheduling this year, the golf had been given its own final night entertainment and the Awayday had moved from post-season to pre-season. I was driving on our way to the dance, for we were in traditional mode for the evening event. Charlie had one of her party frocks on and that required the holding open of doors.

‘When I saw Margot yesterday for my hair, she asked if I required colouring. How bad is it getting?’

‘It’s not bad anything! I’ve always liked the style, keeping it up and the sometimes fringe. As for going grey, I really don’t care.’

‘It was noticeable when I did the podcast apparently.’

‘And yet, the Don thought you didn’t look your age!’

After the first dance, I lost track of Charlie. Fiona our part-time marketing manager had included dance cards with the invitations, I doubted they’d catch on. Inevitably I was soon in the company of Daphne; ‘Your Bel has seriously gone to town with the look, I notice.’

‘The New Look, is all she’s about these days, become obsessed with the nineteen forties. She says she wants, to be somebody, something in the media, but you have to have apparent novelty, she intends to be a revival! I blame you, it was these themed dances that gave her the idea.’

‘Then I’m more than happy to take responsibility.’

‘You know she’s good at languages? Well she’s got the sixth form on her side, in her desire to study a four-year French literature course at university, can you believe it?’

‘Four-year?’

‘It’s a sandwich, with a year studying in Paris. Apparently, it’s what you do these days if you want to be finished!’

‘It’ll cost a fortune.’

‘The foundation will pay.’

I don’t know about you but I never walk into a room without a deliberate hesitation. A check in the step, a slight leaning back on the ball of the trailing foot. On this occasion I’d noticed Mel and Tim propping up the bar, sat facing each other. Then I remembered something Charlie had said about Mel becoming a member in her own right using part of her grandfather’s inheritance. Tim was still in work clothes, Mel in something matching. Both of them were drinking pints, of the draught bitter the committee had recently demanded, I’d managed to steer them towards a micro-brewery renting from the Trust.

‘I say, your sister is cutting a dash.’

‘Isn't she just.’ Mel replied

'What brought this on?’

‘She wants to be like mother, isn’t it obvious.’

138: A walk in the park

‘He’s fast isn’t he, how come he’s so fast?’ I said, looking down to the end of the garden.

‘He’s young.’ Declared Charlie.

‘He’s always fast.’ Added Melisa, with a chuckle.

‘And he barely takes five minutes for tea!’

‘He’s always quick to recover too.’

‘Well answer me this Mel, given his height, how come he doesn’t have a stoop?’

‘He's had his spade customised, it's got a longer shaft. Always uses his own tools. Has quite a bag full in the van.’

‘Taken to chauffeuring him around I take it?’

‘We practically live in the van.’

‘Really.’

‘When I cleared out the back of all Mr Mackintosh’s stuff, Jack showed me his van, he has all this great flooring, he gave me a length off his roll.’

‘Does Jack know your father?’

‘I don’t think so.’

‘You should introduce them some time.’

‘Why?’

‘Has Jack explained all the computer electronics in his van?’

‘No, just says it’s all for driver assist, self-drive.’

‘Ah! Actually, it’s more about counter measures shall we say, that’s why I think your dad might be interested.’

‘But he’s official, whilst Jack is...’

‘Your father is an independent consultant, brought in because the state apparatus has trouble keeping up with the private economy, he lets them in on what he thinks they ought to know. Comprende?’

‘I think I might be beginning to!’

‘Why are we doing this?’

‘A walk in the woods, when have you ever been known to turn down a walk in the woods?’

‘Another, “inspecting the works” I meant.’

‘Because Brinkley is insisting on attending this afternoon’s board meeting to hammer home the need for tight accounting. And he will also be nervous about the degree to which the Trust has been lending to the Park company over the water works. I need to be well armoured against attack, not to mention uncle.’

We walked down from the back of the house, on top of the now refilled new trench. ‘It leaves quite a scar on the landscape.’ Observed Charlie, walking in front.

‘Yes, we need to stop people using it as a path, especially if we try and plant new stuff, might be a project for young Tim in due course.’

‘Is it all on a new alignment?’ She said, coming to a halt.

‘More or less.’ I replied, walking on. ‘Once the contractors had realised there was an easier gradient to be had, they were only too pleased not to dig out the old piping. It’s probably modern diggers that make it worth while going deeper to get a better lie, meaning the pump doesn’t have to work so hard.’

‘Hey!’ She said, her voice now a little distant. ‘If you look back, you can see intermittent patches of better tree growth, over there and there.’ I wandered back a step or two. ‘I’m sure that’s where there have been longstanding leaks.’

‘More money saved then.’

In time we reached the restored pumping station, the only point in the parkland where you can hear the flowing river before you see it.

‘Very smart. What’s that?’ She said, looking at a new grey panel in the wall.

‘One of Eltham’s battery storage things, fed from the solar panel on the roof, supplements the mains, covers power cuts as well.’ I fiddled with the keys borrowed from the office. ‘We’ve kept the old back-up generator; it’s just been reconditioned. It’s the electric pump that’s all new, latest computer controlled what’s it! Oh look, it looks just like it does in the catalogue.’

‘What’s the yellow, hazard, electric, nuclear sign thing on the door for?’

‘Oh, just there to keep the curious away. Well, everything looks to be in order. Seen enough?’

‘Expensive.’ She said as I locked-up.

‘It’ll last well beyond my lifetime.’

‘Depends how fast you intend to age. I need to keep you on your toes. Let’s go back another way, where it’s more secluded.’

Uncle and I took our pre-meet at the veranda bar as usual. He opened with; ‘You look flushed.’

‘Tight schedule today, scratch lunch.’

How’s Charlotte?’

‘Fine. She’s here about, somewhere.’

‘Never stops, eh?’

‘She has projects of her own.’

‘Rather putting you in the shade these days.’

‘I’m a contented consort. How’s Julia?’

‘Your aunt is worried about me, damn near stopped me driving here today.’ Then, after a pause; ‘I’m not so old, all things considered, a man’s as young as he feels.’

‘What’s happened?’

‘You know perfectly well. Look, I concede Mrs Gregson is happier now their cottage is done and hence Gregson goes about his business more contentedly, which makes all our lives easier. And, the brickworks, well I’d probably never have got around to it. You force the pace, fine. I know I’m slow, but I’m not incapable.’

‘Pace yourself.’

‘Quite. But why this separate company though, A & C Restorations?’

‘Well, it’s just Charlie and I, quite separate from the Trust. Therefore, in the fullness of time, A & C can merge with Checkley, or Checkley take it over. Maybe one just subsidises the other, but the point is, neither will be subsumed by the Trust. Over time my influence over them is bound to wane.’

‘I see, and ultimately the Park might be more secure too.’

‘Indeed.’

‘Anyway, you’ll be with us within the week, we can talk more then. The two of you are going to be busy, there’s much to be done.’

‘Ah! Small fly in the ointment. Charlie’s parents will be roaming the county looking for a retirement property, we may have to take some time out.’

‘Damn!’

As we left the bar via the lounge, Ada Armitage could be seen deep in conversation with none other than Brinkley. I froze on the spot. Then I remembered the two had met over the matter of the railway station which never had trains. Larry looked distinctly sheepish as we approached their table.

‘Good afternoon young man.’ Ada said with a glint in her eye; ‘I’ve just been asking Lawrence, I may call you that, may I?’

‘Of course, dear lady.’

‘I was just asking Lawrence what he thought my shares might be worth, I shan’t break a confidence by telling you his reply, but I wonder what you think they’re worth Anthony?’

I was acutely aware of uncle’s presence beside me and Brinkley, glaring; ‘Whatever a worthy recipient is prepared to pay.’ It was the best I could come up with on the spur of the moment.

‘Most gallant.’ She replied.

‘We’re in the club committee room when you’re done.’

The business of the meeting seemed to take an age. Uncle took the chair as usual. I reported on the water pipe, the pumping station and the cost. I offered my view on the loan, the period of extension for repayments and a reasonable interest rate that the Park could afford, and I hoped the Trust would approve. Uncle looked pleased, Brinkley bristled. Lawrence then let off steam by outlining the discipline that the responsible staff must show in their accounting methods.

He then surprised us all saying; ‘Finally, changing the subject entirely, I’d like to take the opportunity of informing the board that the Arlington Trust has had a letter from our, other university.’ He then produced said item and began to read aloud; ‘From the “Faculty of Agriculture and Rural Sustainability, Floor Ten, Drake’s Tower, City Campus”. It’s from the “Placements and Apprenticeships Officer” of the “School of Horticulture”, which as we all know is actually located at the opposite end of the county, but they are of course looking to place students, I’m about to send out copies to all parts of the Trust, but I thought I’d just let you know...’

‘Well, I’ll be damned! The lad’s even better organised than I’d imagined. I’ll draft the reply thank you Brinkley.’

137: Father, mother and me

‘Oh my god, they’re coming to visit.’

‘That’s nice.’

‘Nice! You’ve met him.’

‘Well, it’s a situation that’s doable, at least for a short time. When are they are coming?’

‘Not for a while.’ Charlie replied, her head in her mother’s handwritten missive. ‘And father’s finally retiring. I don’t believe it. Oh no! He wants to “take the opportunity to look at properties in the west country.” Well, they can stay off the Riviera for a start. And she wants me to recommend a hotel. I suppose the Grand is, well, what they’d consider grand.’

‘Oh, for goodness’ sake, you are slow sometimes, send them where you’ve got a man on the inside, the Manor House.’

‘Right, I wasn’t thinking.’

‘Junior Jack is just the fellow to keep your father in order, looming in the lounge. And another thing, you’ve got friends, if your parents are moving it’s a chance to find out all the legal ins and outs of your family, steer them towards Barney Benson, better still go in on the ground floor and hit them with Thayer, it’s what that building is for.’

‘County Estates is outside father’s price range I should think.’

‘But Thayer will offer to find them their ideal property, if he knows what’s good for him.’

For once it was me inviting Daphne for lunch at the club. After the usual pleasantries I tried to get swiftly to business. ‘We need to have a serious talk Daph, ghosts from the past are, unsettling me, shall we say.’

‘Gosh! Not more accusations about me being an agent for my father I hope?’

‘No. But let me apologise in advance, I do have to ask you about your father’s world. If you’re able to answer, please do so, if not, try to distinguish between don’t know, and not at liberty to say.’

‘Hell, this had better be important. I’ve had enough of trips down memory lane. So, what’s this all about?’

‘I don’t know, that’s the point. Who or what is, or was, Casper Wieck?’

‘A hanger-on of Daddy’s.’

‘They worked together?’

‘Sure, and used to see each other in retirement.’

‘Just, how senior was your father in the end?’

‘Deputy Chief.’

‘And Wieck?’

‘Head of Personnel.’

‘Sounds a bit euphemistic!’

‘No, but yes. I mean government communications is a big employer, the seventies, a time of expansion for them. Lots of positive vetting. But yes, sort of internal security as well. And...’

‘Yes?’

‘Look Tony, there were all sorts of formal channels for distributing the product, with Whitehall committees attached. But once in a while, there had to be informal, face to face contact with odd individuals from the other agencies. Wieck would handle that. When I was a kid, if Daddy had to be contacted out of hours, it would be Wieck who came to the cottage. That was the only time, you know, hand on the shoulder afterwards; “You know Daddy’s work is a bit secret, no need to mention the visit”. My point is, Wieck was the only one who really knew anything about the world of the spooks.’

‘And what was Murchison’s role?’

‘Ken? He was entertainment. Same generation, only stayed a few years, the butt of jokes often, I mean he was the last of his kind, had to oversee, climbing telegraph poles, messing with mechanical exchanges, you know, your actual adding extra kit to wires, international cables, museum stuff. And radio of course. Amuses Barmy to this day. What’s this really all about Tony?’

‘He was genuinely attached to my aunt Elisabeth, not just the gardener, left an old Will, leaving her everything. Why was Wieck at the funeral?’

‘Out of respect?’

‘Tidying up loose ends more like, only he didn’t succeed. How’s Barmy?’

‘Fine, I think. In Germany, with a solicitor, one of your lot. Wills again, one of his many relatives dropped off the twig. Barmy thinks he can snatch another chuck of the family fortune for the foundation. Mel keeps saying all that nonsense will stop with her, rather admire her for it.’

Over the years Charlie and I have tried to limit our visits to Head Office, in our great cathedral city. Killing as many birds with one stone as possible. And we’ve got into the habit of entering by the ground floor and working our way up. The first surprise of the day was to find Barmy lounging with Thayer at the back of the shop; ‘I was told you were in Germany.’

‘That was yesterday. We were talking about you. Ways of turning cash into bricks and mortar.’

‘I was saying, how profit, in rural enterprises rarely tells you about the real value of assets like land and buildings.’ Thayer explained.

‘Quite right.’

‘Brinkley sent word he wants to see you two. And since you’ll be going that way you might care to deliver these papers regarding your old apartment. Tell him he has forty-eight hours to fix it, whatever the fix is, before those details go in the window, at market price!’

‘Number forty-two is sold?’

‘Finally.’

‘Right. Now, we never arrive without a purpose, over to you Charlie?’

‘My father is retiring, looking for a property in the west country, we were wondering if you could, I can’t believe I’m talking like this, help manage the situation, facilitate an outcome, conducive to all parties...’

‘Being as how, you’ve just told the whole world you’ve never got on!’ Thayer interrupted.

‘Did I? Oh god.’

‘Fear not, point them in my direction, I’ll endeavour to keep all parties satisfied. Now, you don’t want to keep Lawrence waiting, besides Mr Gruber here, by all accounts is an even more important client than you Tony.’

‘That man is getting ideas above his station.’ I said as we ascended the back stairway to the first floor.

Upon entered, Brinkley’s voice boomed; ‘In here you two.’ I was beginning to regret the comprehensiveness of security in the building, but then I only had myself and Fin Heptonstall to blame!

Just as Brinkley opened his mouth to speak, I shoved Thayer’s papers in his face, then took up my usual position of admiring the second-best view.

‘Yes. Yes.’ He mumbled whilst perusing the papers; ‘Mackintosh has been much on my mind of late. In more ways than one. Are we committed to this?’

‘Gentleman’s agreement, handshake and everything, an offer to treat, and an acceptance.’

‘Leave the law to Bernard, Tony. You have noted the difference in these figures?’

‘Yes.’

‘Thayer knows the market.’

‘Yes.’

‘Well, I...’

‘Cat has already paid in kind, future prospects with Jack’s garage look very rosy.’

‘Jack! This office has no truck with him.’

‘Then I’m your cut-out, I keep you squeaky clean!’

‘Yes, well that’s as maybe. And now, Mackintosh wants to institute a park run, of all things, Charlotte?’

‘It’s an idea, it would have to be a cross-country event, not enough paths and they’d have to stay off the golf course, he suggested a paper chase, keep it traditional.’

‘Insurance will never wear it. Plus, with your MP’s visit, this leaves the whole park organisation severely exposed.’

‘Larry, you’re not making any sense.’

‘It doesn’t matter how well you’ve sweet-talked her; MPs have to account for their every action these days, two forms, it’s either expenses or the register of freebies!’

‘So?’

‘Public documents, it won’t be her, just some, beady-eyed left-wing journalist, one article, one call to the tax office, that’s all it takes. We need to formalise certain internal arrangements at the Park.’

‘How?’

‘Three departments, say Spa and Sports, Conference Facilities, House and Hospitality. Clear accounting, if Macintosh is organising events for Spa and Sports, that’s consulting or volunteering, not the club which is just renting from House and Hospitality. Wooley rents from Conference Facilities, however much he wines and dines guests in the club, follow?’ He said looking in Charlie’s direction.

‘The whole point of the Park is it’s informality.’ She replied.

‘It’s appearances and reality again Charlie, paperwork makes stuff, official.’ I interceded.

‘Oh, right.’

‘Agreed?’ Asserted Brinkley.

‘Agreed. Where’s Bernard?’

‘Incommunicado.’

‘I beg your pardon?’

‘At home, in Spain, the doctors have ordered complete rest. No online, no nothing.’

‘What’s happened?’ As I was asking, Charlie spied something behind Brinkley’s chair and rose to investigate.

‘Fell over in the outage, hairline fracture, whole foot and ankle strapped up, stick and everything...’

‘In the outhouse?’

‘In the power cut!’

‘Another one!’ Charlie exclaimed, holding up a new bottle; ‘Irish whisky not enough? Bespoke again I suppose.’ Turning it to the light she continued; ‘Seriously? “Brinkley’s Rum”, oh come on!’

‘Care for a glass?’

‘No thanks.’

‘Slip-up stairs and you’ll find Bernard now offers, raspberry and lemon liqueurs.’

‘Charlie, we’re leaving. Clearly, we’re paying these people too much!’

136: Podcast

‘Welcome to the podcast everyone. My special guest today is none other than the Queen of the Riviera herself, sometime street urchin, waitress, physical therapist, companion to the homeless and wealthy alike, poster girl for the steam railway, angler, charity trustee and much more. Charlotte Sparkwell, may I call you Charlie?’

‘You usually do, Don.’

‘Welcome to the podcast.’

‘Thanks for inviting me. It’s the first time I’ve done anything like this.’

‘Well, you and I have become friends over many years, think of it as just dropping by for a chat. Now I’m hoping that at some point you’re going to tell our listeners and viewers all about how you came to be hosting two recent local royal spectaculars on the same day, and at more or less the same time!’

‘You played your part Don.’

‘Only a minor role. But the mastermind behind everything, you and I both know, was your significant other.’

‘Who will remain nameless, Don. That’s the deal. Some will know who we’re talking about, others may guess as we go along.’

‘He’s thrust you into the limelight Charlie on a number of occasions, I’ve seen it for myself.’

‘He has indeed, but his heart is in the right place.’

‘It is? Most people feel you’re the one with the heart, whilst he’s something of a manipulative bastard!’

‘Your audience Don, should be told you’re as much a friend of his, as you are of me.’

‘Okay then. But what’s it like becoming such a public figure?’

‘Well, locally that’s not such a new thing, I’ve been recognised on the street and about the town for years.’

‘But you didn’t grow up here. Tell us what happened?’

‘I jumped the next train, and stayed on to the end of the line.’

‘Now, that’s a, not uncommon personal story hereabouts.’

‘That’s right, and there were some kind people, so I stayed.’

‘And we’ll avoid naming those, supporters, shall we say?’

‘Yes. I don’t want to misrepresent myself though, I’d been a street kid for years before I ended up here. And I’d had a bit of a middle-class suburban upbringing, before I felt I had to leave. I got chucked out of several schools, but ended up with enough exams to do a sports degree. Fitness, was my therapy. And so, I wasn’t in that bad-er a shape when I turned up here.’

‘You’re very comfortable in your own skin, if I might put it like that.’

‘Sure, and fitness gave me confidence. I decided when I was quite young that I wasn’t going to be a victim, and set about making that happen.’

‘You’re a survivor.’

‘I hate words like that, meaningless, just another soon to be out of date label, everyone who’s alive is a survivor! Lived experience, what other kind of experience is there?’

‘You’re a traditional, assertive, straight woman, if I might say, and that’s where the respect comes from?’

‘I think so, I love the street, I like being admired, the guys like me, I’m fun. I’m safe.’

‘But so many people just don’t get that, how you can put out, but not be taken advantage of. I mean, hell, I’m a gay guy from the suburbs of Melbourne for Christ’s sake, what do I know?’

‘But you do know.’

‘And in time you settled in as the waitress, famously dressed in traditional yoga pants, down at the cafe on the harbour side.’

‘Yeah, but that was only possible because Captain Bob gave me a cabin on his yacht, in exchange for light duties.’

‘And these light duties, were?’

‘Many people who used to see old Bob hanging around the harbour or beachcombing didn’t realise they were looking at Captain Robert Forsyth RN, former commander of all sorts of naval vessels and hundreds of sailors. And his classic yacht is now leased to the naval college as a training vessel.’

‘Hence, you getting pally with the King the other week.’

‘Sure. But for many years Bob was the one who kept the old homeless shelter afloat, financially.’

‘Right.’

‘And it was where I was first introduced to the Prince and Princess, back along.’

‘Amazing. We’ll be back after the break.’

That she should have agree to appear on the podcast at all was remarkable, but to be the single guest on a long-form edition which might last between two or three hours really was amazing. But they do say TV is over, along with other legacy media, and I’m beginning to believe it. There’s less censorship on the internet, more freedom to say and do as you please, for now. The Don was one of the first to see the potential, getting his paper, in the act of going online, to turn itself into a broadcaster. It meant freedom to do almost whatever you liked, in so far as your guests would tolerate it!

‘So, how did you meet your infamous partner?’

‘He was a regular at the cafe. He would drift in at about ten and order something or other, “for breakfast” he’d say. Even though he dressed casually, everything about him screamed quality. I was fascinated.’

‘And the rest is history.’

‘Oh, no. That went nowhere for ages. But I was only really part-time at the cafe, I was trying to set up as a physical therapist, use the bits of physio, sports massage and sports psychology I’d picked up at college, to make some sort of a living.’

‘Waitressing can be a bit of a dead-end job.’

‘Depends on the clientele, it really does.’

‘So, when did you hook-up?’

‘Er, I was thirty-two then, I’m forty-one now, a bit short of nine years ago he hired me as a therapist. That was the first time I got inside the lair where he was living, it knocked me out, because of the view, classic apartment.’

‘You don’t look forty-one!’

‘But I do Don, this is what forty-one looks like when you’re all skin and muscle, I look like what everyone is meant to look like, what every brain and body is trying to be, were it not for our culture, social learning, habits, diet, whatever.’

‘I think that’s probably the most provocative statement anyone’s ever made on this podcast.’

‘Bleedin’ tragic, innit!’

‘Er, where were we? Yes, I was going to ask about the age difference.’

‘Can I just say, from the start, we were both aware of how unfashionable a seemingly rich, guy with a girlfriend fifteen years younger, had become. But rather than playing it down, we decided to exploit it, have some fun with it.’

‘Play it up.’

‘Sure. It’s like he’s always saying, life isn’t a series of puzzles to be solved, it’s a game. If you walk one step behind or one step in front, the man is called a misogynist.’

‘If you walk side by side that’s thought equitable!’

‘And hog the entire pavement, so fuck everybody up!’

‘But right from the start the two of you went a bit further, not just you in the role of kept woman or housewife, you went about as a sort of old-fashioned valet!’

‘Well, we both hated this thing of the well-to-do having personal assistants, personal trainers, drivers, when really, you’re talking servants. In private it was a fantasy, in public, in the circles he moved in, only too easy to act for real.’

‘But somehow you carried it off so it wasn’t at all demeaning.’

‘I knew from waitressing how at times you could control the room, step up and be a sort of maître d’hôtel.’

‘Yes, some of us have been lucky enough to have seen the tapes of you working the inside of Buffy’s global summit here at the Park.’

‘Yes, but you don’t own the copyright.’

‘Touché! So, moving on, the royal connection, how did that start.’

‘My partner thought we could use a mutual acquaintance who’d been at university with the prince and princess, to get them to appear at the Park’s jubilee celebrations, the friend pointed out that they were serious people, and that they’d be more likely to show interest in the work we were doing at the old homeless shelter.’

‘And the King and the new, old railway?’

‘Well, I’m just the poster girl, hired by the day, off and on. You need to get their representatives on the show. But I do know what you saw with the King’s visit was just phase one, it’s a work in progress.’

‘So, tell us about the fishing...’