36: Play acting

In the end, as we unpacked the media suite, Charlie became curious and I could see she was beginning to soften, a little. Finding storage for the packaging of the small but expensive bits was easy enough, then we had fun demolishing the larger items to fit the inevitable array of wheelie bins. Within twenty-four hours we had two tripods, each with a camera and tablet sized monitor attached plus a decision made on what should be wired to what, and what wireless! I managed to persuade her to surrender some of the space in the tall kitchen cupboard for the extra lighting gear that would not be in regular use. Then it was a matter of location, location, location. ‘Camera one, aimed at me and my desk has to be close to the window for the best light.’

‘But that’s the thing, a permanent blot on the landscape, obscuring my view.’

‘What we need is an aspidistra to hide it behind.’

‘A what?’

‘Indoor plant much favoured by those raised in the Victorian and Edwardian eras.’

‘But that’ll just ruin the view even more!’

‘Well, let’s say we put a discrete marker on the floor for the right position, so it can rest somewhere else..’

Later. ‘Now then, I’ve not been unmindful of your doubts about “broadcast yourself” so I’ve dug out an old video, first shown to us by our drama teacher at school. Is Michael Caine a name to you?’

‘Of course he bloody is.’

‘Well, I suggest an evening on the sofa watching telly, well fifty minutes anyway, I know it’s not quite your style, but for a masterclass in camerawork?’

With thoughts of school drama still in mind I invited Cat MacIntosh around the following day so we could play a little. ‘Er, ah yes, here we go; “We don’t manage too badly, eh Didi, between the two of us?”

“Yes yes. Come on, we’ll try the left first.”

“We always find something, eh Didi, to give us the impression we exist?”

“Yes yes, we’re magicians. But let us persevere in what we have resolved, before we forget. Come on, give me your foot. The other, hog! Higher! Try and walk. Well?”

“It fits.”

‘What on earth are you two doing?’ So said Charlie, breaking the spell.

‘Play acting, just like the old days, Cat’s Vladimir was the highlight of our last year in the school dramatic society.’

‘Thanks old man.’

‘And you played the other one?’

‘Estragon, yes.’

‘Ideal casting then, an inseparable double act’, she opined.

‘What can you mean?’

‘I know he’s your go-between, your trusted lieutenant, your right-hand man, the Mr Fix it, a cut-out…’

‘What have you been saying to her?’

‘Well.’

‘It’s my fault I suppose, asking too many questions, I had him on a table at the spa after he’d sprained himself, had to get him to strip down, noticed all the scar tissue.’

‘She could tell the age of stuff old man, I had to sort of explain.’

‘What, you’re your own whistle-blower? Is Charlie now guilty by association?’

‘Sorry old man, but Charlotte’s as trustworthy as anyone.’

‘That’s not the point, need to know, you can’t lie about what you don’t know!’

‘She could tell what sort of injuries they were, she said if I explained a few things, she’d keep it all to herself.’

‘Oh yes.’

‘All for one and one for all old man. Besides no names mentioned, just how you really operate, pull things off. I mean Charlie’s a useful operator in her own right, no reason she shouldn’t be fully in the loop.’

‘Charlie, will you marry me?’

‘No.’

‘You see, she can’t be bought off!’

‘So! Let me see if I’ve got this straight. You planned it. Cat was the trigger man, and presumably the unnamed mining engineer who actually set it up was by then hundreds of miles away?’

‘Er not exactly, he had to hang around in order to go back in, check everything had gone according to plan, pick-up the evidence.’

‘Evidence?’

‘Search with his device for the remains of the tiny wireless detonators. Naturally Cat and I had to make sure he didn’t walk off with them.’

‘You don’t leave anything to chance then?’

‘We try not to.’

‘Which still doesn’t answer the question everyone wants answered! How do you cause an explosion, that leaves a crack that lets the pond drain by just the right amount, but with no trace?

‘You cause a microscopic earthquake, measurable with a micro-seismometer from a few hundred metres away but not much more. The explosion breaks the tension in one layer of rock, causing it to slide a tiny amount against the next, the fit is no longer perfect so over time a small amount of water will seep through.’

‘Okay, so it’s all scientifically calculated, but how is it actually done?’

‘With a tiny amount of the old plastique, extruded like a liquorice bootlace!’

‘Oh, right. Still, must have cost a packet?’

‘Well not really. This small-scale geological tech stuff is well known these days, all sorts of applications; precision tunnelling, quarrying, fracking…’

‘Fracking!’ But then, suddenly it was Charlie’s turn to be interrupted by her phone. ‘Bandits at four o’clock!’

‘Again!’

‘Well it has been awhile.’

‘Wait a sec. It’s not on my device!’

‘She’s sent it personal to me, wants to run a Tea together with a treatment.’

‘Oh, really!’

‘I’ll prepare the treatment room.’ And with that, she was gone.

‘I say, you thought you were being like Bernard Shaw, when really you’re another Mary Shelley, ha!’

‘Get out! Leave me. I would be alone.’

All too soon the bewitching hour arrived. ‘Good afternoon, Mrs Hayward. Do come in.’

‘Thank you my dear. Anthony, you’re looking a little peaky.’

‘Oh, just the burdens of senior management, the underlings forever rebelling.’

‘What are you twittering about now? How does Charlotte put up with you?’

‘Someone else asked that question a while ago.’

‘Little wonder.’

‘The treatment room is prepared Mrs Hayward, if you care to step this way.’

Later, when Tea appeared, the Aunt commented; ‘Don’t you feel my nephew looks a little stressed Charlotte?’

‘Now you come to mention it, madam.’

‘Whilst I’m entirely grateful for the efforts you’ve taken with his physical health, perhaps we should now really be attending to his psychological wellbeing?’

‘Indeed, madam.’

‘Anthony, I wish you to submit to daily head massages from Charlotte and any other treatments she judges appropriate.’

She caught me with a mouthful of tea, it required all my effort not to spray it across the room. ‘Very well auntie, for the foreseeable.’

‘Nice to hear you concurring without complaint for a change… Why is there a camera on a tripod pointing at your desk?’

‘Online video link, been talking to old chums across the herring pond.’

‘Charlotte, translate if you would.’

‘Well, I’m not that well up on the technical side of things, naturally I try not to eavesdrop, but Tony has friends in Boston, Massachusetts who share his interest in putting computers in cars.’

‘Really! Well, I suppose, on reflection, his own life has been entirely rudderless, it’s hardly surprising he should want to make other people’s driverless!’

‘Ha! I say auntie you just made a funny. That’s rather good.’

‘I do have a sense of humour Anthony. Just because when I’m with you, it is almost always necessary to take a stern line, doesn’t mean that when in more civilised company… Well anyway. Now then, tell me about Mr Tufnell, I understand another potential relationship has fallen by the wayside.’

‘Of course we could make our own home movies now.’ Charlotte mused.

‘Don’t even think of going there. You may be the most accomplished performer I’ve ever come across, but that show-off side to you would lead you in the end to seek a wider audience.’

27: Book of the month

‘What’s all this?’

‘It’s not me it’s the others. They’ve been coming up to me for weeks, “I say old man, slip this under your tree for Sparkwell”, I didn’t want them to know all your business so…’

‘It’s going to look a bit bad when they realise I haven’t reciprocated.’

‘Not anymore!’

‘How do you mean?’

‘They don’t expect anything in return, in fact even if you were inclined to, you shouldn’t. It’s like the tipping, they’re giving you what is justly yours. They’re fans Charlie, and as long as you don’t start behaving like a Diva, you’re set for life. You just have to slightly adjust your view of yourself, give yourself slightly higher status. Imagine we’d met during a war, that you’d been my trusted soldier servant, that we’d saved each other’s lives, etc.’

It was Christmas morning and for the very first time we were having a lie in. Charlie had even allowed use of the teamaker so generously provided by the Park. We stared into space, wondering what to do with a country mansion that was ours alone for the next twenty-four hours.

‘How come Julia isn’t a Countess, but just a Lady?’

‘Ah, yes, well, ha, now we are into dark waters, and I can’t pretend to really understand, try searching College of Arms.’

‘Who?’

‘They’re a sort of office of state, there to keep the official record of titles, and the rights that follow from them, everything the Crown has given away down the centuries.’

‘My mobile is in my bag, you explain. I mean a Countess is more important surely, normally goes with an Earl.’

‘Well, the thing is, these days, looking on from the outside, then yes, Countess seems grander. They could go about as the Earl and Countess of this place, but it’s something about the lesser title Uncle had when they first married, being older. If you’re part of the aristocracy what really counts in terms of status is longevity, how far back in history your direct ancestor got their title and authority. And, over the years, as with so many things, the number of different titles has expanded, more and more people have been given them with more and more elaborate names, a sort of grade inflation I suppose. Then again it may all just be in a family name, catch Cat Mackintosh when he’s had a skin-full and he’ll claim, “my people came south with James I”. Now that’s well before the act of union, well before any Scottish dukedom. Ask him about Scottish independence and you’re likely get the reply; “Independence from whom?”

‘Do you know how to get onto the roof?’

‘Yes, but don’t tell anyone, especially Uncle.’

‘You can have me up there. In fact, lay it on.’

‘Yes, best left till the spring. Then in the summer you can spend a night up there alone looking at the stars. You know I’ve noticed lately you’ve started giving very direct, one might say unemotional statements, that’s what I’m meant to do, whilst you’re supposed to be flooded by emotion. I never thought much of the idea of an autistic spectrum as you know, but now I’m thinking it has totally out lived its usefulness.’

‘American users of services often call themselves neuro-atypical.’

‘Interesting. On the other hand if all the vital hormones are neurotransmitters too, especially those which can permeate the nasal cavity…’

‘Dirty sod.’

‘..you and I must be thoroughly locked-on to each other by now, our brains will have already developed new neural pathways, new structures. What I mean is, neither of us can be what we once were.’

‘What you mean is, we’re stuck with each other!’

And so we idled away our time, until late in the evening a text arrived from Aunt Elisabeth. ‘Gosh, things must be bad, we’ve been asked to rally round.’

‘Sorry? I don’t get it.’

‘Well rather than turn up at four o’clock prompt tomorrow for tea as honoured guests, there to mingle with the members of the Book Club, she’s humbly requesting we turn up at noon, help organise, make tea and serve etc.’

‘What happened?’

‘Not sure, she just says, “let down by my usual caterers”.’

I started briefing Charlie more or less as soon as she pulled out of the Park carpark, there was some ground to cover. Naturally enough, parking arrangements at Aunt Elisabeth’s rather desirable Edwardian town house took a while to explain - not least because the Aunt disapproved of my two-seater and always wanted it out of sight. Then the house itself. ‘What you have to understand Charlie is, although that side of the family made money from trade, nonetheless they always aspired to grandness, to acquiring a history, so you’ll find the whole interior a bit museum like, not just out of date because of her age, but the walls of every room are used as a kind of billboard for advertising the enterprise of all my ancestors, that is those who achieved something Auntie approves of, there are quite a few others who have been quietly forgotten.’

‘Shame, they’re the ones I really need to know about!’

‘Keep your eyes on the road. Now then, you’ll also find various bits of medical tech discretely left lying about and when she refers to the domestic help I’m never quite sure of their status; housekeeper or home help, carer or nurse, cook or chief bottle washer - see what I mean?’

‘I know a bit about that, she’s confided a lot about the people she’s consulted for various complaints down the years.’

‘Excellent. Now, the guest list. Although almost all of them are well to do, none of them are as rich as she is - and as you are aware she herself is better off than she realises - so, many of them look forward to her turn as host with eager anticipation, a mix one suspects of envy and admiration, of despising at the same time as wanting to know how it’s done. Now, here we are, the house is the third one up the street coming up on the left, but as I said keep going because we need to park in the back lane.’

As she came to a halt and cut the engine Charlie remarked; ‘Is there enough space for others to pass?’

‘Just, it was of course built for the tradesmen’s horse and cart, not a coach and four.’

‘Really?’

‘Sure, look at the clever kerbstones, the steep camber, there are no storm drains, water runs straight down the road and about a quarter of a mile distant goes over the cliff into the bay. It worked too, those palm trees we passed have flourished for a century, properly drained you see…’

‘You’re nervous, that’s what sends you all nerdy.’

‘Well, just a bit.’

‘Stick to the essentials, we’re on time but only just.’

‘Okay, so we enter by the back gate, it’s a long garden, but a nice straight level path for the delivery boy’s trolley.’

‘Shut, up!’

As we walked up the path we passed under the rather tatty remains of what must have once been a rather spectacular bower. ‘There’s something I’ve been meaning to say…’

‘We’ll be late.’

‘It’s okay, she’ll be able to see us from the villa now.’

‘Villa? Oh I see, as in detached. Well get on with it.’

‘Julia wasn’t quite on the mark when she said I had fantasies of you being mistress of Checkley. The fact is the old aristocracy were rather good at recognising the differences between men and women, our need to do our own thing and for personal space. When I think about the manor I imagine owning it and having charge of it, making it my space. There, the lady of the house would fit in with my wishes. However, these couples of olden days usually had another property in town, naturally the wife had her own social circle and anyway might well live in a place like this during various seasons of the year, where she’d be the one calling the shots, so to speak. I merely mention this in passing.’

Charlie turned to face me, with a definite thrust of the chin. ‘You’d better look sharp about it my lad, because if you can’t keep me satisfied, day to day, week to week, your future imaginings will be just so much bollocks!’

As we approached the back door there was the sound of bolts being drawn. ‘Thank you for coming at such short notice my dear. Anthony, show Charlotte how to use the scraper.'

As we passed through the old pantry: ‘Now I’ve found you an old apron, but it does have some lovely embroidery on it, it used to belong to Bernard Merriweather’s mother, she was a wonderful cook, started out in life working as a maid for that dreadful man who made his millions from convenience stores and had that mock castle built on the edge of the Moor. She was forever recalling how the flat roofs leaked. Anthony, you’d better remove that jacket, roll up your sleeves and put on this gardening apron of Mr Murchison’s, who by a strange coincidence is related to…’

17: Charlie Barista

‘Anthony! About time.’

‘Morning Auntie. Brinkley, my apologies, Charlie had problems finding a parking space.’

‘I trust she’s not joining us?’ Exclaimed the esteemed relative.

‘No aged A. She’s sat in reception, but she has my briefcase just in case we need documents.’ I walked across to the window. ‘I say, you really have bagged the best office, quite the most impressive view of our cathedral city I always think. Of course, Merriweather has a slight advantage being on the floor above…’

I was interrupted by Brinkley trying to stifle a cough, he recovered remarkably well. ‘I fear there has been a slight breakdown in communications. Mrs Hayward was quite unaware that we had moved location - almost two weeks ago - and that we are now in the same building as Bernard and his new partners.’

‘Really? Still, it all looks very efficient to me.’

‘Rather too ostentatious for my tastes, I hadn’t realised how prosperous you had become. I take it your business really is doing well, and that all this isn’t just done on the “never-never”?’

‘I can assure you we pay a minimal rent to the leaseholders.’

‘They’re sub-letting to you?’

‘In essence, Mrs Hayward. Merriweather and Stollard, as we must get use to calling them, have taken a lease on the whole building.’

‘And who pray owns the building?’

‘Well, in part, you do.’

‘Oh really, this is too much, you’re becoming as vague and evasive as my nephew.’

‘Surely you remember great Uncle Septimus telling you that one of his ancestors was a partner in the old bank which used to occupy this building in the 1860’s?’

‘Of course.’

‘Well, they held what we’d call the freehold on this place and it became one of the original assets in the Trust’s portfolio when it was first set up back in the year whenever!’

‘I see.’

‘In fact, Mrs Hayward, I’ve just had the rather delicious pleasure of replying to Bernard’s email reminding us that the rent was due - with a formal letter demanding the ground rent!’

I hadn’t seen such a broad smile on Brinkley’s face before. But once again he seemed to make a supreme effort in the face of Auntie’s non-response. ‘Well now, the floor is yours Mrs Hayward.’

‘I have certain questions about how you have been conducting business on behalf of the Trust, Brinkley.’

‘Indeed madam. I should say that in response to your urgent request for a meeting of the trustees, well I’ve kept this quite informal between the three of us for now, should you wish to make it official we will of course need to get Bernard along with one of his legal secretaries.’

‘Well that rather depends on the two of you giving me some straight answers for once; if not, I’m sure since the others are on the premises, it shouldn’t take more than a moment to summon them.’

‘Actually, I’m afraid, well I know for a fact, Bernard is in court today.’

‘Strange. One would have thought that as the senior partner he would have left the less savoury side of his profession to the more junior staff.’

‘Now there you’ve put your finger on it, Mrs Hayward. I fear our mutual friend has a weakness - he rather fancies himself as an advocate.’

‘I say!’

‘Oh, do stop this charade Anthony! You sound like a character out of one of those musicals from the 1930’s.’

‘Sorry, Auntie. It is a serious matter if Merriweather has taken to arguing his own cases in court - one can’t help wondering how his clients feel about it?’

‘I understand he’s quite meticulous about his preparations and presentation in court, very thorough with his law, it’s just, well he doesn’t seem that knowledgeable about the kind of judges he comes up against. Of course, we are rather out in the sticks here, and it tends to be all very last minute when it comes to finding out who will be sitting in the Crown Court. Anyway, I digress. Now Mrs Hayward, what precisely was it you were unhappy about?’

‘This notification you sent me, this purchase; why on earth have the two of you spent a seven-figure sum on some mineral rights?’

‘Yes, I’m afraid even that notification is rather out of date now, there should be a further written notification coming to you in the next few days.’

‘And what will that say?’

‘That the acquisition has now been disposed of.’

‘You were able to make a quick profit I take it?’

‘No. We made the mineral rights a charitable gift.’

‘What! You gave away...’

‘There is a quite unrelated matter you might be interested in Auntie, apropos of nothing at all you understand, I have recently, using my own money, bought a forty per cent interest in the Crawford Park development.’

‘But you don’t have any money of your own, beyond your monthly allowance!’

‘Oh, that was more than enough!’

‘These things do tend to come down to accounting convenience in the end Mrs Hayward.’

‘But I’ve been hearing appalling things about that country hideaway you and your associates have been creating, how it’s all about to go belly-up because you were too incompetent to realise the very ground on which it stands… oh I see.’

‘Property in the English countryside Mrs Hayward, as I’m sure you will appreciate has always been the soundest of long-term investments, and when one considers the fact that your nephew’s Uncle, the Earl, holds another forty per cent…'

Suddenly there was at knock on the door. ‘Enter!’ And there stood Charlie holding a plastic tray at shoulder height, upon which there appeared to be four paper takeaway cups with plastic lids - but lacking any of the usual brand advertising. ‘Good gracious Ms Sparkwell, does this mean you’ve been able to make the coffee machine work? It is the one item alas that has failed to be efficient so far!’

‘It just needed a bit of a kick-start Mr Brinkley. I blasted the mechanism with boiling water for ten seconds or so.’

‘By the way, since you are here, I should say we more or less, finally, have a job description and a contract of employment for you.’

‘I know, a lady calling herself Merriweather and Stollard’s employment law specialist just nipped down from upstairs to brief me. How she knew I was here I’ve no idea?’

‘Blame me Charlie, the whole building has a single new security system. I’m afraid I took the opportunity and persuaded Bernard to host a modest little road test of some facial recognition software a friend has been tinkering with.’

‘Surprise, surprise. Anyway, she’s explained the draft documents the two of you came up with, and the changes she’s insisting upon.’

‘I knew it! Is there no area of life where the two of you won’t angle for some advantage? What on earth were they going to make you sign my dear?’

‘Well that wasn’t at all clear apparently, the wording being so vague. Her main concern however is my residence at the apartment, and what might happen in the event of a breakdown in relations, so to speak.’

‘A not unlikely eventuality where my nephew is concerned, he has - I regret to say - a somewhat equivocal reputation. So, how is the matter to be resolved?’

‘My employer will formally be the charitable arm of the Trust, whilst my normal duties will be as a “carer” to one of the trustees, I may also be called upon to undertake tasks in other areas of the Trust’s charitable activities.’

‘Now that Brinkley my old son, is what we pay Merriweather so handsomely for. All we have to do now is make sure he doesn’t get carried away by the sound of his own voice and ends up being chucked in chokey for contempt of court!’

Then Auntie, determined to have the last word as always, said; ‘Charlotte, this coffee is really quite acceptable. Brinkley, I think a modest outlay on some china cups would be in order.’

11: When two aunts meet

I’m not much of a one for the ladies myself, and what with life with Charlotte having settled down into a comfortable routine, my mind has been on matters other of late. But, having learnt over the years that just as everything is going along swimmingly, something is sure to come along and give it to you in the neck, the observational antennae are never quite switched to off - they always remain alert to potential pains. Such was the case when having just confirmed with Julia that we would host a teatime get together at the flat that very day, I suddenly felt a nervous shudder, as if the heating had gone off on a winter’s day. A second or two later it occurred to me that we must be perilously close to another visit from Aunt Elisabeth, it would be just my luck to have to referee a clash of the Titans.

‘Charlie! Oh, there you are. Julia will be here at four-ish, when do you imagine Mrs Hayward will next descend?’

‘At four o’clock precisely.’

‘What!’

‘Her usual text came through whilst you were speaking to her ladyship.’

‘Knock it off. Situations like this make me distinctly jumpy.’

‘I’d have thought you’d revel in it.’

‘No, certain plans may be well and truly buggered if the two of them start sparing.’

‘You could brief Julia.’

‘Normally yes, but I’m thinking of Uncle and me at the moment.’

‘Well cancel one of them.’

‘Either one would smell a rat, in their own way. No, we’ll just have to brazen it out.’

‘Now I know I’ve had to be severe with you in the past about your association with Mr Tufnell, but one would have thought that after all these years, loyalty at least would have led you to rally round. I’m told he’s had a complete nervous collapse. Naturally the family have had to call on Dame Alicia to intercede, but apparently he’s been taken to an Intensive Therapy unit, whatever that is, and is being held under the Mental Health Act, so until he shows some improvement even she cannot transfer him to her own facility.’

‘Thank God for that.’

‘What do you mean, Anthony?’

‘Well, maybe a locked ward is the best place for him, until the divine madness of Waitress Affective Disorder has peaked.’

‘You’re lapsing into gibberish…’

‘Tea, madam? Anthony believes Mrs Hayward that Mr Tufnell’s sexual attraction for waitresses has become habitual, almost compulsive, and when these relationships fail to be consummated, the outcome amounts to something like a full blow psychiatric disorder.’

‘Clearly Anthony your obsession with the Internet has led you to spend far too much time reading ill-informed medical opinion.’

Thankfully at that moment the intercom buzzed, Charlie dutifully attended. ‘It’s me, Julia. Charlotte love, can you let me in?’

‘Certainly, your ladyship.’ Silently I hoped Sparkwell’s formality might be enough to alert her.

‘That was Lady Julia, you didn’t inform me she would be calling.’

‘I was waiting for a lull in the conversation…’

‘Do come in, madam.’

‘Oh! He’s not making you stand on ceremony is he? Tony, show some class!’ Then turning back to Charlie; ‘Now I’ve just been looking around town and I’ve found something I just know you’re going to love, here, open it later when you’re alone.’ It was only then she decided to notice Aunt Elisabeth; ‘Mrs Hayward! What a delightful surprise, we haven’t met for ages, the last time must have been, well, the unfortunate incident at Barnabas Gruber’s wedding. Do you ever hear from him these days Tony?’

‘Well, as a matter of fact, only the other day...’

‘We were discussing the urgent matter of Mr Tufnell when you arrived Lady Julia.’

‘Oh I don’t imagine any of us will be seeing him for a while, especially if his mother allows Alicia Dolby to get her hands on him, shame really, I’ve always thought all he needed was regular sex rather than forever chasing after elusive love. No, I’m here to talk about your summer hols at Checkley, Tony. It’s going to be so much more fun with Charlotte along. Why has she retreated to the kitchen?’

‘Tact, one imagines. Anthony’s life has been a lot more disciplined under her influence. It may not be my place to say it, but over familiarity will only endanger the improvements she is already making.’

‘Well Elisabeth I must concede your generation does come from a more austere tradition. Still, neither of us have been blessed with children, after Tony, it’s the end of the line.’

‘Quite. For decades he’s avoided marriage, time that should have been spent rearing children.’

‘Perhaps it’s not too late.’

‘Enough!’ I interceded. ‘Now, on the matter of the summer, we’re both looking forward to it, but how long will Uncle want us hanging around?’

‘He’s been ruminating on the future a lot lately. He sent a message, would you accompany him to the Park development get together meeting thing next week?’

‘Of course. Now, since you’re both here, and since you say I’m the end of the line, if there are any, how should I say, matters pertaining, as to how you’d like things sorted out, in the inevitable event of your respective demises, you’re going to have to let me know one way or another. If you see what I mean?’

‘Well! What an extraordinary way you have of putting things. I can tell you, that I have, upon the urging of Merriweather at the solicitors, written a Will, all is in order, rest assured.’

‘Yes Tony, there is a lot to work through, and it’s all very complicated, your Uncle doesn’t know what to do for the best. So I’ve told him I’m going to force the issue and write a one line Will leaving what little I have to my name, to you, then it’s up to him.’

‘The title passes to a cousin I believe.’

‘I’ve really no idea how these things work, what concerns my husband Elisabeth is that the estate should go to someone with the financial wherewithal to manage it properly, he feels he’s never been able to quite do that.’

Somehow Charlotte knew it was the moment to return, she brought with her fresh-boiled, to top-up the pot.

‘So, Charlotte how do you fancy spending your time at Checkley? Do you ride?’

‘Well sort of, but not well. I’m more of a woodland person.’

‘Coppicing is never ending of course. Tony’s job is to keep his Uncle entertained, get him doing rather than moping.’

‘Goodness, is that the time, I should really be making a move Anthony.’

‘Before you go Aunt, there’s something I think you’ll want to see, a very short video clip, I found it on YouTube, you’ll recognise a couple of the faces. I’ll play it on the TV, just a sec.’

Three minutes later. ‘Well really! What is the world coming to, and from a solicitor, one would think such blatant backslapping was without any legal probity, “we have no hesitation in recommending their financial expertise”, and Brinkley, he looks so smug. I thought they were quite independent, I had no idea they were in bed together, no better than estate agents. I wonder if I should take my business away from the two of them?’

‘Oh I wouldn’t do that Aunt, I think you’ll find we are their business. By the way Julia, should Uncle be in need of advice, say with regard to trusts and the proper stewardship of land…’

‘You’re a wicked boy, Tony. Do you know Mrs Hayward I think you’re right, Tony does need Charlotte’s firm hand.’

6: Coffee, tea and scandal

‘Incoming! Bandits at four o’clock.’

‘Don’t tell me…’

‘The text just says “With you at four, full stop, Elisabeth.”

‘..it would do. I had a feeling we were rapidly approaching more, tea and scandal.’

‘We have our yoga session to do yet’.

‘Oh, I think thirty minutes will be plenty time enough.’

‘On your head be it.’ Then, looking up from her device. ‘Wow! “They are at the end of the gallery; retired to their tea and scandal, according to their ancient custom.” That the one?’

‘You’ve got my number Charlie.’

‘Wait. Act One, Scene One, William Congreve 1694 The Double Dealer, oh that’s appropriate.’

‘I’ll ignore that, we have practice to do.’

‘So “gallery”, what’s that?’

‘Er, posh houses of the time would have a long gallery down the whole of one side of the house.’

‘So this bloke says “they” - everyone knows he’s talking about gossipy women huddled in the corner?’

‘Precisely. Come on, get your kit off.'


By now, gentle reader, I suspect you can see what’s coming. Our literally diversion, led to our physical diversions overrunning. This time we both jumped at the sound of the flat doorbell ringing. I glanced at the screen. ‘It’s her, someone going out must have let her in. Quick, you put on your dressing gown, open the door and just say you were changing. When I come out fully dressed you go back in your room and change into whatever works.’

‘Oh, thanks a lot.’

‘Trust me, it won’t work the other way around.’

I confess I left the bedroom door ajar. ‘Good afternoon, Mrs Haywood. Do come in. My apologies for the delay, I was just changing after our yoga session.’

‘Yoga! The room certainly has the aroma of the gymnasium. The mats, oh yes I see, of course. Forgive me Ms Sparkwell, but why does my nephew require you to instruct him in yoga in his living room?’

‘It’s a delicate matter, madam. The specific exercises I have been recommending happen to be very effective for tightening up, shall we say, bringing back good order and discipline to the whole digestive system. I’m determined to have a go at reversing all aspects of what I believe is simply - premature ageing.’

‘Yes, of course he has led a totally self-indulgent lifestyle until now, even as a child he would get the most appalling collywobbles. No self-control. I wish you well. Now run along dear and change. Anthony!’

I emerged, completing my transformation on the move for fear she would enter the bedroom. ‘How are you auntie? You look full of the joys. Has Charlotte been taking care of you?’

‘I really think it a bit much making the poor girl answer the door in a state of undress, what will everyone think. You should be more considerate. Especially since I understand she’s been taking you in hand.’

‘That’s one way of putting it.’

‘I shall monitor your progress with interest. After all, you cannot deny that, how should one say - cursed with too much money, you fritter away in idle selfishness…’

At that moment we both noticed Sparkwell, now respectfully attired in her suit, pass through en route to the kitchen, head down and typing furiously. ‘Oh lord, oh my ears and whiskers.’

‘What is it she’s doing that alarms you so, Anthony?’

‘I think she’s just trying to improve her education, she’s heard you make a literary allusion - doesn’t want to appear ignorant when she returns with the tea.’

‘Nonsense, I know my own mind, you’re the one forever offering up obscure references, showing off your knowledge - which after all, we all know is just the result of an education very expensively bought!’

‘Well I expect direct quotes can be unconsciously made...’

‘What are you saying?’

‘Tea, Mrs Haywood?’

‘Thank you, nice to know you’re weening him off those most unsavoury cakes.’

‘May I ask, did you read to Anthony as a child?’

‘Very occasionally perhaps, I have no recollection. No, I don’t think we can seek there for the source of his Bohemian tendencies.’

‘I’ll plead guilty to the lesser charge of Bourgeois Boheme, if you insist.’

‘There you go again. Affectation bordering on snobbery. Despoiling our mother tongue. Mummy used to say it all came in with the Jazz Age, provocative dancing to provocative words.’

‘Dapper Dan was a very handy man on a train that ran through Dixie, Made the beds and ev'rything. All you had to do was ring...’ Charlie spoke with a faraway, wistful voice, not a bit like the song. ‘He has it in his music collection, Mrs Hayward’.

‘There you are, you won’t get away with in the future, coffeehouse-ing your life away.’

‘No alas, after all Aunt, coffee only came in, in the eighteenth century along with sugar. Tea had been around a whole lot longer.’

‘I’m reducing his caffeine intake to one measure per day.’

‘Very wise. Now then Anthony, what’s this I hear about Mr Tufnell proposing to marry a waitress, again!’

‘Fear not, I’ve delegated the matter to Charlotte, after all she knows the girl.’

‘Indeed, how intriguing...’


‘Okay, so I get that students and even teachers are idiots even when searching because they let themselves be led down the garden path, in fact the old “touch your forelock” thing is still there in education despite everything. I get that a lot of learning is unconscious imitation, but how does someone end up…'

‘Well, when you read a book or watch a movie, TV, that you really get to like, it’s all about being able to identify and empathise with a character or characters. But nonetheless you’re still giving equal attention to what you don’t care for, otherwise you’d never appreciate the situation your favourite character is in.’

‘Right.’

‘So time passes, you grow-up, change, once in a while you think, oh my God I sounded just like my father when I said that, more time passes and you end up actually behaving in a way totally at odds with the story you tell yourself, and the rest of the world, about who you are and what you are. So, you are right, we must stay in the moment, let go.’

‘Out there they think love conquers all!’

‘They also think that beauty is truth and that’s all they need to know… We can do better than that, now here’s a quote; “Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.” Antoine de Saint-Exupery.’

‘Who was he?’

‘French pilot and part-time writer, flew small planes around the Mediterranean and North Africa in the Nineteen-thirties, disappeared off the French coast during the war, ferrying God knows what or whom, flying by the seat of his pants.’

‘Navigating with his balls more like.’

‘In an age when women wore silk knickers, and loose trousers that really did hang from the hips.’

‘Never have the hair removed from your actual genitalia. So, I know where to start on your so called library, let’s see, my word, fourteen volumes.’

‘They’re all in the correct order, I should start at the beginning, it will be pleasant light reading for the journey.’

‘Where are we going?’

‘Do you have a passport?’

‘Yes.’

‘Then we take the night train to Antibes.’

‘Tonight?’

‘Give me ten minutes and I’ll tell you.’

2: Sparkwell and the quivering hand

‘I say old man, who’s that girl sitting at the wheel of your Sports?’

‘Hardly a girl Tuffy, she’s my new PA.’

‘I wouldn’t have thought you needed one?’

‘Neither did I, until I met her.’

‘Still, bit of a looker, healthy sporty type I should think?’

‘Fully qualified yoga teacher, and sports injury masseuse.’

‘Gosh, she could make a fortune around here.’

‘That’s precisely why she won’t allow me to sign her in, she doesn’t approve of the Park.’

‘Still, she was happy enough to chauffeur you here, eh!’

‘Yes, I rather think she wants to keep an eye on me. Thinks the place is a secretive hideaway for the rich, where we indulge in bad dietary habits, too much alcohol and unenlightened sexual practices.’

‘But it is.’

‘Quite.’

‘Does she know your Uncle had a hand in setting it up?’

‘Never mind that, how’s she going to react when she finds out I’m Chair of the dining committee?’

‘You must put your foot down, don’t let the hired hand get above itself.’

Should I try and explain my situation to Tuffy? No of course not. We’d been at school and university together, but how he ever passed an exam in anything is beyond even my powers of deduction. He’d noticed Charlie all right, but not the fact I was still sat here at the bar, drinking mineral water, whilst the rest of the lunchtime crowd were feeding their faces in the dining area. 'I must be off. I have to prepare a Tea for the Aunt.’

‘What’s her name?’

‘What? Tuffy you’ve met all my relatives on multiple occasions.’

‘No, I meant the name of your new girl.’

‘She’s not my girl, she’s Sparkwell.’

I was half way to the door when he shouted out for all to hear; ‘I say, she’s probably pinched that motor of yours by now.’

That got my attention and I returned briefly, gesturing with my mobile. ‘Perhaps she has, it would be of little consequence. This device not only connects to the security at the apartment, but the location and activity of the car’s computer, it also, as of a few days ago, tracks the device you saw her playing with as you arrived - I gave it to her as a work phone.’

Back at the car Sparkwell’s face was indeed in her screen. ‘Something truly weird just happened, I asked it a question and it replied in your voice.’

‘Yes, I thought I’d give it a try. It seemed a legit thing to do since it’s meant to be a work phone. Uses some code written by a pal of mine as it happens.’

‘But it talked about stuff you know nothing about, it, you knew all about me, you sounded like everyone I’ve ever known!’

‘It’s only my voice and speech patterns given to a single device; like any computer it only has the data you’ve given it, what you’ve downloaded, what you’ve searched for, plus the very limited amount it can learn from your voice.’

‘Oh my God.’

‘Once it’s learnt a bit more, it should be the voice you want to hear. It won’t wind you up the way I do!’

She countered; ‘Finished all your business at your club?’

‘Just a small commission, and a brief chat with the chap who clocked you when he arrived.’

‘He ogled.’

‘Well, that’s Tuffy for you.’

‘What did you tell him?’

‘Just enough to wet his appetite.’

‘What!’

‘Don’t panic, there’s method in my madness, within an hour my entire network will know I’ve got a new girlfriend fifteen years my junior with whom I’m so smitten I even let her drive my most treasured possession.’

‘But, why?’

‘Because, like it or not, my aunt, the self-appointed head of the family is coming for tea this afternoon. She will inspect the apartment, inspect me, pass judgement on my character and in return expect her usual tea served from the family tea service with a couple of sugary fancies on the side to keep her going till dinner time.’

‘Christ!’

‘However, she will be pleasantly surprised to discover a deferential employee who might just be the answer to her dreams.’

‘How come?’

‘All you have to do is serve tea in your own way, but in a respectful, know your place sort of a way, and think; how can I help this woman?’

Outwardly I maintained a calm and certain manner. Inwardly I thought if this goes belly-up we’re both in the shit. There is a time for standing up to Aunts, and a time for knowing where one’s best interests lie. Wisely I thought, Sparkwell had changed into her new suit. Unsurprisingly the intercom buzzed at four o’clock prompt. ‘Now then Charlie, just wait five seconds, then open the door.’

‘Mrs Hayward? I’m Charlotte Sparkwell, your nephew’s new assistant, do come in. May I take your coat?’

‘Er, thank you.’

‘Welcome! Welcome once more to my humble abode, seems but yesterday, care for the new décor, the new ambience?’

‘Oh do stop blathering Anthony! I’ve had a most vexing day so far.’

‘Really?’

‘First a most unsatisfactory consultation at the clinic, then a frankly bewildering conversation with Brinkley at the accountants, then at lunch, to hear from one of my oldest friends, rumours that you have embarked on yet another clandestine relationship...’

‘How embarrassing for you, I trust I shall be able to, clarify the situation. Tea in five minutes, if you would Charlotte.’

‘My pleasure.’

‘Of course I’m not one for taking idle gossip at face value... How strange, now you come to mention it, there is a soothing aroma to this room. Most unusual.’

‘I should just say, that although Ms Sparkwell is here in an administrative capacity, she has volunteered to undertake some domestic responsibilities.’

‘Anthony dear, why do you need an administrative assistant? I presume it will mean you taking even more money from the trust?’

‘Technically, yes. But if you’ve been talking to Brinkley you’ll know that over the last few years the trust’s overall assets have increased considerably.’

‘That is precisely what I don’t understand, how in such dire economic times can the trust be expanding so much in the face of your continuing profligacy and my unavoidable medical expenses. Can you explain it? Brinkley seemed to think it was all down to judicious investments made some years ago in what he called ‘Internet Start-ups’, whatever they may be, which have now been sold off for some reason. Frankly I worry from whom they take advice.’

‘Perhaps he should be congratulated?’

‘You still haven’t answered my question. You have more time on your hands than most.’

I lent forward and adopted a confidential tone. ‘Well, I’m rather hoping she’ll take care of my media, keep the emails in check, keep the begging letters down and the more tiresome of my friends off my back...’

‘Really! I’ve never heard such incomprehensible inconsequential nonsense.’

‘Tea, Mrs Hayward?’

‘Oh, thank you dear, I must say it’s nice to see a young woman so soberly dressed, so rare these days, I fear my nephew is always somewhat over dressed, what his grandmother would have called, “like some American Dandy”, you must waste a fortune on button holes alone.’

‘I hope you’ll forgive my choice of tea, it’s been recommended to me for its medicinal qualities. I am hoping to persuade your nephew to pursue a more, restrained diet.’

‘Oh! I do so agree.’

‘Forgive my saying so madam, but I couldn’t help noticing your hands. I should say that in my former life I studied sports science, trained in physiotherapy and massage techniques for sports injuries. I was curious as to what treatments you’ve been able to access?’

‘Oh my dear, I’ve tried everything! Why just this morning my tiresome doctor tried to fob me off with more pills, what he insisted were “a new more sophisticated form of pain relief”, complete nonsense...’

It was then I concluded the moment had come to tune-out and let Charlie ‘take point’. I allowed my mind to wander. It seemed but a matter of seconds before Aunt Elisabeth was on her feet and being guided towards the ‘treatment room’, formerly known as my spare bedroom.

I must have dosed off, for the next thing I heard was, ‘..he’s lived a completely wasted life you know, shown no inclination whatsoever towards a career, a wife, children…  Wake-up Anthony, I’m leaving, I shall be in touch... Now I don’t know what he is paying you, but I’m sure a little extra... ’