141: Christmas curfuffle

‘She’s left me!’

‘Who?’

‘My wife of course.’

‘Prudence?’

‘Who else?!’

‘It, er, just seems so unlikely, she’s not been in touch with me.’

‘Why would she?’

‘Well... What have you done Rory?’

‘Nothing.’

‘You must have done something, or not done something.’

‘All I did was show her the first few pages of my novel.’

‘Novel! I didn’t even know you could write; I thought Prue did all that for you.’

‘It was putting pen to paper that caused her to leg it to her sister’s, now I’ve got writer’s block.’

‘What’s the book about?’

‘A political thriller of course. Murder, mayhem and sexual intrigue at the heart of Westminster. A dastardly villain, foiled by the hero and his girl assistant.’

‘Oh, yes.’

‘Certain to be a best seller, what with all my inside knowledge and that. That’ll show her.’

‘What exactly did Prue disapprove of?’

‘She said, she accused me of sexing-up a tired old narrative copied from real life.’

‘Thought the villain was based on someone did she?’

‘Yes. A Machiavellian master of spin, who’ll stop at nothing to get to be Prime Minister. Behind the soft eyes, the soft soap and the touchy-feely approach lay a mind obsessed with power.’

‘I see. Of course, something not so different was done on tv about thirty-five years ago if I recall. Though then the PM was very much played as a Shakespearian villain.’

‘Yes, well I was still at school then.’

A moment later we were interrupted by Walpole; ‘Anthony, a word in your shell-like, sorry to intrude.’

‘My dear fellow, you look like you’ve seen a ghost.’

‘I have; I’ve been haunted for three days now.’

‘Good lord.’

‘Tell me I’m hallucinating, they’re not living here, are they? I saw him, and what was presumably his wife, coming out of our supermarket! Helene didn’t notice thank God, otherwise she’d have insisted we be sociable. It was then I thought I must be seeing things.’

‘Henry! You were carrying the state-of-the-art mobile device given you by the railway?’

‘Of course.’

‘Then why, oh why didn’t you immediately text Charlie? Why worry for three whole days until you bumped into me? I mean, the one person in the world likely to be most sympathetic, the one person even more sensitive to the whereabouts of her father than you!’

‘I didn’t want to worry her.’

‘Sparkwell KC and the mother-in-law by proxy, have been coming and going since the summer, he’s retired. They have finally settled on a property in a rather obscure corner of the county, with the aid of friend of the Trust, Thayer.’

‘So, you have the situation entirely under control?’

‘You think I’d, let the side down?’

At which point up wandered Junior Jack. ‘Grand palace you've got here Tony, Charlie about?’

‘Of course, probably rounding up committee members to serve lunch to the staff. Christmas tradition. Talking of which, Christmas Eve is members only. Who let you in?’

‘I am a member. Hah, that’s floored you. Can’t work out how I’d get in on merit rather than have you pulling the strings.’

‘I’m quite respectful of your merits John, taking over from your father as chair of the hotel company and the numerous other leisure interests, director of the railway; but here, here you need influence, two members at least who think you’d fit in, no longer one of them, but one of us.’

‘All right, that’s enough thinking time, who proposed me and who seconded?’

‘And names that would resonate with the current committee, well Charlie would fit the bill as one, the other...’

‘You can’t think can you, I always knew the day would come when I out-smarted you, beat you on your own ground. Think about it, you can let me know any time, no cheating mind.’ Then he walking away, leaving me in peace, I hoped, before lunch kicked-off.

‘Tony!’

‘Ah! The real Jack.’

‘What mate?’

‘As opposed to John who only has the nickname Junior Jack, sorry I’m being bombarded with new news today. How’s tricks?’

‘Electric buses by Christmas they said, ha!’

‘But the buses have arrived, some are on the road already being tested. I saw it on the news.’

‘Must be true then!’

‘The bus company depot is just down the road from you. They’ve put them all in the timetable on their premier routes, allowing cascading on other routes.’

‘And just a few boneshakers to be retained for filling-in, in the unlikely event.’

‘But somewhere along the line someone has cocked-up otherwise you wouldn’t look so gleeful.’

‘Just because a recharger has the capability to rapidly recharge, doesn’t mean it always does.’

‘Oh dear, and if they’re downstream of you, so to speak, and you have increased demand.’

‘It’s really about switching, phasing and timing, or something like that, so they tell me, rather than actual demand, but yes, they can’t recharge fast enough for the number of units they need to push through to meet the timetable. Very embarrassing. If you use the route passing the depot and have just got use to the clean, quiet and sweet smelling, then along comes a broken down...’

‘I see.’

‘...and that’s not the worst of it, you have the new battery trains in view on your journey more often than you might think, and have to pass the rich bastards coming out of our place, not to mention public service vehicles charging away.’

‘Lightens the heart.’

‘I’ve something else that’ll amuse you even more. Wainwright’s retiring.’

‘Retiring! She’s younger than I am, I still think of her as a hot babe.’

‘I’ll tell Charlie.’

‘Sparkwell is in a league of her own I’ll have you know, uncategor-risable.’

‘That’s not a word.’

‘It is, has been for thirty years. Anyway, they’ve not kicked her out, have they?’

‘Thirty-five years of service, full pension. Looking to consult, on the side.’

‘Then you should bury the hatchet, put her on a retainer.’

‘Not a chance. It wouldn’t be gamekeeper turned poacher, she’d be reporting back to the new lord of the manor within days.’

‘Met Mel’s Dad yet?’

‘Sure. Nice bloke, checking us out for his daughter’s sake, but respectful with it. I like that. I assumed he was a mate of yours.’

‘We were at school together.’

‘Course’ you were.’

‘Excuse me Jack, I have to find Charlie before the bun fight begins!’

I had to wander for a bit, but then turning into the corridor, I saw them. All three of them. Standing, but in a huddle nonetheless. Benson, Layton and Sparkwell. Archie seemed to be doing most of the talking, putting them straight about something. Charlie, nodding, listening, could she truly be trusted? Surely, she must be potentially, my greatest blind spot. I decided I had time to stand and stare. Let them notice me. When they did, she came over and said, conspiratorially; ‘It’s the drive-by solicitors.’

‘What?’

‘Out on the white-collar industrial estate, at the end of the motorway. And the others of course, financial consultants, administrative types. They’re the ones leading the pack over sports ground advertising. Only the middle classes can afford tickets these days, and new grounds are all out of town.’

‘Then why the hell are Bernard and Brinkley aping them, their strategy is meant to be niche marketing?’

‘Well, that’s Barney’s point. And Archie thinks we should stay traditional because AI will make, those on the make, redundant soon enough.’

I tried not to smile my satisfaction, since we were clearly being observed; ‘Why are they here today?’

‘Archie’s the guest speaker.’

‘Oh! Excellent, a man of discernment. So, changing the subject entirely, you’ve been asserting your influence I hear, and now it seems there are two people you’ve slipped passed the membership committee whilst no one was looking?’

‘Well, Barney was proposed by Archie, I just seconded him.’

‘And Junior Jack?’

‘I helped him with the form, then proposed him. Like you did for me.’

‘Who seconded him?’

‘I don’t know.’

‘We’re meant to be full-up!’

‘But what’s the point of influence if you don’t use it?’

‘Where the hell is Mackintosh when one needs him?’

‘He’s got his own manor to run.’

127: The vision thing

‘How was your bonding jolly at Bilberry?’ Said Jack as Charlie and I walked into his office.

‘You remain as well connected, and as cynical, as ever.’ I replied.

‘Melisa gives me a direct line to quite a lot these days, not to mention Fiona.’

‘Mel hanging around today, is she?’

‘Come on through to the back of the workshop.’

A moment or two later I was abruptly stopped in my tracks; ‘Is that Northcott Electrics?’ I exclaimed.

‘Repainted, relabelled, and re-distressed. We’ve remade the outside for suburban respectability.’ Said Jack.

Melisa, dressed in well distressed overalls, then drew back the sliding door. ‘Good lord! Still carrying Cat’s assorted house breaking implements I see. But from all outward appearances, it looks like one of our garden centre delivery vans!’

‘Got in one, old son. Only now it is “Pemberton’s” friendly deliveries, just the right touch for your part of town.’

‘Could be a flower shop.’

‘Or ready meals.’ Suggested Charlie.

A few weeks later, Melisa plonked a package, a large brown envelope about an inch thick, down in front of me on our kitchen table as we were all sat waiting for Charlie to pour tea. A few hours earlier Mel had successfully delivered Kenneth to us for the first time and in the preceding weeks got her parents to accept the van. She was now splitting her time between Royal Oak, Jack’s garage and the college one evening a week. ‘Do I spy the handiwork of Merriweather and Stollard?’ I asked.

‘I can’t get my head around it; will you look at it for me Tony?’

‘Sure, talk amongst yourselves for five minutes.’

And they did, whilst I shuffled paper, checking for no surprises, and collecting my thoughts. ‘Right then. First off, this is your parents sharing their plans, there is nothing you need to do, other than bit by bit familiarise yourself with the contents. I think I have two bits of advice. At some point you will be asked to become a trustee, you accept, in exchange for some sort of allowance and expenses. You attend meetings, observe, keep yourself informed but at arm’s length from the day-to-day business, as likely as not you’ll find it convenient to go along with your parent’s wishes most of the time. However, in general conversation, at home, or indeed anywhere else, you make it known that in the fullness of time, when you have the power to do so, you intend to break the historic connection between your family and the arms, ordinance, intelligence, security industries etc. You won’t throw assets away, but simply turn shares into cash and use those assets for more down to earth, broadly conservation type, local projects and good works in general. This might happen next year or in thirty years’ time, but you just make your intentions generally known.’

There was a pause, then with a look of wonderment and turning towards Charlie, she asked; ‘How does he do that?’

‘Oh, don’t ask!’ Was her reply.

‘Do what?’ I asked.

‘Someone one once called it, “the vision thing’’, never had it myself.’ Added Kenneth.

‘It sounds simple, and in fact it actually is!’ I asserted.

‘The full English please.’ I spoke.

‘Standard, Between Stations or Gut Buster?’ Said the lady behind the counter.

‘Oh! Standard thank you, extra standard.’

‘Beans or grilled tomatoes?’

‘Tomatoes.’

‘Toast or fried bread?’

‘Fried bread, naturally.’

‘Hash brown or potatoes?’

‘Potatoes?’

‘Chopped and lightly fried.’

‘Yes, why not.’ Once we were sat down at the new greasy spoon cafe, just up from the bicycle workshop and down from the Railway Arms at the Abbey station, I turned to my companion and asked; ‘Why are we here Charlie?’

‘Feeling outside your comfort zone?’

‘A little.’

‘It’s all Trust property, and you are a director of the railway.’

‘It’s not easy keeping up with developments these days, one seems to have so many fingers in pies.’

‘We are here to admire the pic-tures, as you might say.’

‘Oh yes, the internal decoration is rather pleasing.’

‘The once travelling exhibition, has been divided up between here and the pub, we’ll take a look later, after doing the bike centre. Mind you, you are a little over dressed. I should have given greater thought to our schedule this morning.’

‘Ah! Now I remember. This cafe has a specific purpose, it will be a favourite amongst travellers, railway workers and train spotters alike. It will serve food that the refined refreshment rooms at the station will not, and be cheaper. In the act of restoring authentic refreshment rooms, we create somewhere everyone will want to look at, perhaps even have a cup of tea at, but will come here to stuff their faces!’

Our ‘all day breakfasts’ arrived, we got stuck in. Then Charlie asked; ‘Why on earth are you bringing back platform tickets?’

‘The train spotters and railway photographers aren’t rich, but the Abbey station is where all the action will be, yet they are the ones upon whom we depend to spread the word far and wide that we are where it’s at!’

‘And you’ll be forcing everyone over the footbridge, if you reinstate platform four!’

‘Once everyone has experienced the full experience, everyone will be in favour, including the disabled.’

‘How?’

‘First and foremost, everyone must go through the restored booking hall, then choose the stairs or the lift. Naturally, a porter will be on hand to assist. Once on the over bridge, freshly restored so as to be open to the elements on both sides, it becomes the ideal viewing platform for the whole station, and the experience of passing steam!’

‘Blimey!’

‘Any more questions, on the “vision thing”?’

‘No, no, I’ll keep my mouth shut.’

We wondered up the street to the bike emporium. The first person we saw was young Melisa; ‘What on earth are you doing here?’

‘As Jack’s general dogsbody I go where I’m sent. I’m here for the week. When he’s decided what I’m good for, he’s promised a proper apprenticeship.’

‘You’ve sold this place to Jack!’ Exclaimed Charlie turning towards me.

‘A cheap lease, putting him in my debt, just a little.’

‘You two looking for bikes? Very competitive prices.’

‘Good god, no! I’d rather keep jogging. Bikes would only lead to instant road rage. Besides we can’t just chuck them in the back of a van like you.’

‘We could get a foldaway each.’ Offered Charlie.

‘Have you seen the price?’

‘Says the richest man in a ten-mile radius.’

I looked at my watch; ‘Oh look, just turning eleven. Time to take a look at the Railway Arms I think.’

I ordered bitter, Charlie a bottle of German larger. Which rather summed up the age divide, she just turned forty, me in my middle fifties. Short of sawdust on the floor, I thought they’d made an excellent job of the pub. ‘You know, most people as they get older start getting nostalgic about their youth, but what preoccupies me is something older.’

‘You’re nostalgic for a time you never experienced.’

‘Quite!’

‘But if it’s a time before your time, then it’s a world divided by class, with you at the top of the tree.’

‘Well I wouldn’t go that far. It’s just some things were done better in the past.’

‘You are outside your comfort zone. You have all the right ideas, dreamt-up in front of the fire at the gentleman’s club. You’re always dressed like a man at his club, a man out of his time. Worse, maybe a man out of time?’

Looking again towards the pictures, I replied; ‘Alas yes, it seems I was born too late for the age of elegance!’

118: Busted!

‘Jack!’

‘Tony. Not seen you two at home before.’

‘Coffee all?’ Said Charlie, entering the reception room.

‘Thank you, my love. Some special occasion, is it?’

‘Indeed, it is. It’s time for you to go entirely legit.’

‘This wouldn’t be about the letter we received this morning, would it?’

‘Your noticed to quit. Four weeks.’

‘You think we should be thinking of disposal, rather than just moving on.’

‘Oh yes.’

‘Why?’

‘Because good things will happen. And with you going, others will be encouraged to pull their fingers out.’

‘What good things?’

‘I'll come to affairs of state in the fullness of time. First and foremost we are going to create a publicity stunt, a good old piece of street theatre. A few of the great British public may notice your departure Jack, along with associated criminal elements, but then we need something to put a rocket up the arse of all the others who may be reluctant to make the time and take the effort.’

‘You’re beginning to lose me mate.’

‘We of the ER, R, require the whole of the old goods yard to be cleared as soon as possible. But we, are also acutely aware that for most of the town, it is, in its current state, their principal eyesore! The sight of old shipping containers, converted into storage units, stacked three high and painted bright blue, being removed will be the first practical sign of the new railway’s good intentions.’

‘Well, I can see that would suit you, but shifting some dodgy stuff takes time...’

‘Precisely, and the only thing that would really speed that up would be the imminent arrival of a dawn raid by the police, with the media close on their heels. News of our good works could not fail to reach all corners of the county, perhaps even the nation.’

‘And you could guarantee you’d wait for the all-clear from me before you tipped them off?’

‘Absolutely. And I’m pretty sure the Chief Constable herself would lead the raid.’

‘You don’t what to embarrass her too much, causing her to move on, or be moved on. Right now, Wainwright is the Chief Constable of our dreams.’

‘Understood.’

‘So just what is in it for me?’

‘Well, as soon as the yard is cleared and the railway has its sidings back, they can become home to our new battery-powered commuter trains.’ I paused to let my announcement sink-in.

‘You cunning bastard! That is devious beyond words.’

‘How come?’ So asked Charlie in all innocence.

‘The council have recently realised I pulled a bit of a fast one with the new filling station.’ Continued Jack. ‘We set-up to have enough poke off the National Grid, to be a much larger consumer than we’re actually likely to be for the foreseeable. They, don’t have the capacity for any of their green schemes and have to wait in the Grids upgrade bottle-neck queue, along with the rest of the county. There’s been pressure on me to voluntarily give up capacity... But we’re less than a quarter of a mile from Tony’s yard.’ Now he was smiling. ‘Green trains across the Bay. Fuck me, we’ve got’em all!’

‘I wonder gentlemen, might I be permitted to be the one to grass you two up?’ Asserted Charlie.

‘Why, ever?’ I asked.

‘Captain Bob is anxious we should establish cooperative relations between Royal Oak and the police. This way I could go direct to Sonia herself.’

‘Oh, well! Carry-on Sparkwell.’

‘Get in.’ Were the Chief Constable’s first words, according to Charlie.

‘No, this has to be a confidential walk.’

‘Oh, very well.’

‘Who’s he?’ Was her first question.

‘Inspector Dobson, Informal Economy and Cyber Crime.’

‘Blimey.’ And after walking a few yards, she began; ‘I'm worried about Tony, he seems to be getting more and more involved with Jack, our iffy second-hand car dealer.’

‘Oh, yes?’

‘I don’t want him involved in the seamier side of things anymore. Anyway, I hear things. I know where Jack's so-called “lock-up” is and I know he has to move it all this week, he's had notice to quit.’

‘And you’re willing to volunteer this information?’

‘Yes, I know you can't offer me anything. But I needed to talk to you anyway, we, that’s Captain Bob and the committee at Royal Oak were hoping we could carry on the constructive relationship we had with you at the old homeless shelter?’

‘Ah. Now, tell me Charlotte, how is it whenever one talks to Anthony, he always manages to give the impression he's doing one a favour?’

‘Well, I don’t know...’

‘The last time we spoke he claimed Jack had good documentation to back up all the goods he has.’

‘Oh, it is good, but it is false. I’ve heard Jack say it’s okay at first sight, but wouldn’t stand up to proper investigation. And the goods themselves were nicked; they’ve just passed through a few hands since.’

‘Where is he moving everything to?’

‘Well, this is the thing, I don’t know, but Tony’s been urging him to dispose of everything, I was thinking it could be your last chance to nail him.’

‘Well, Inspector, what do you think?’

‘We have spent a lot of time and money on this guy, down the years, ma’am.’

‘Yes, so where is the lock-up?’

‘Its two of the old sea containers at the railway goods yard, 326 and 327.’

‘We need him there, in the act of moving goods.’

‘Could be any day in the next week, it might just be a couple of hours’ notice.’

‘That’ll be enough.’ Said the Chief Constable, with a faraway look in her eyes. Then, after a pause she began to wander away, saying over her shoulder; ‘Give my regards to Captain Forsyth when you see him next.’

‘She won’t sell many ice creams at that speed.’ I quipped without thinking.

‘Radio silence unless strictly necessary.’ Said Jack’s voice emanating from the dashboard.

I was watching Charlie with camera two, normally resident in the treatment room, but with the zoom lens added, recording the approaching motorcade. A moment later I said; ‘Three, two, one! The first vehicle has just turned off the main road.’

‘Okay. Wait for everyone to pass then get the hell out of there.’

‘Good luck Jack!’

Charlie was quiet until we were almost home; ‘Explain to me again why Wainwright won’t work out she’s been set up.’

‘Well, if you recall, at the time of the Great Crimean Gold Heist, she complained about having to deal with so much paperwork concerning our good selves. She said that you, despite having had a bit of a dodgy past, were nonetheless always trying to do the right thing! She believes you are acting in good faith; your information was good; you just couldn’t tip them off fast enough. I mean, if all’s going to plan right now, then Wainwright will believe herself to be but minutes too late. She’ll conclude you’re the innocent one, in all the whatever.’

Turning the station yard security cameras into a live feed had been a piece of cake for Fin Heptonstall.  Arriving back in the Media room, I started viewing the recorded takeout. The fact that one of the cameras now pointed directly at Jack’s containers, with enhance-able audio was neither here nor there. It was all plain to see, Jack emerging from one of the now empty containers, the arrival of the police, much conversation, the insistence on viewing the contents of Jack’s van, even the revelation of the only item of note – the nineteen thirties petrol pump due to be delivered to the new, old garage at the Abbey Station this very a.m. The icing on the cake came at the very end, the arrival of our friends in the media. I packaged it all up, added Charlie’s footage and emailed it all off to Don Wooley.

My favourite moment had come at the very end, when an unseen media voice shouted; ‘Chief Constable! Would you care to explain why you are arresting one of the Bay Area’s most prominent businessmen?’

‘No comment.’

84: Swingin' royals at the jubilee dinner dance

‘How on earth do you imagine this is going to happen?’

‘It will happen because all those involved, will want it to happen.’

‘You can’t possibly know that!’ Asserted Charlie, as she guided us towards an unofficial lunchtime cafe conference with Archie Layton at his favourite coffee chain in our great cathedral city.

‘Buffy will relish an opportunity to hob-nob with the younger royals and hence will oil the wheels, your handler and the whole security crew will see it as an easy evening’s overtime, they’re already familiar with the set-up, so too the Chief Constable, a feather in her cap.’

Archie seemed to find the whole idea hilarious as I made my pitch. I ended with what I thought was the clincher; ‘So the date, will simply be whichever day the Palace has already pencilled-in for the Duke and Duchess to do the west country.’

Then the Banker put on his serious, ‘do something about your overdraft’, face. ‘There are a couple things you can’t be expected to know, Tony. One, although you’re right they’d have no problem with the knees-up, and I’ll be happy to put in a word, it’s just they’re also deeply serious people, they need good reasons to be there, worthy causes and all that.’

‘But they’ll have been doing that all day!’

‘You don’t quite get it, you need to have good, worthy reasons to justify their presence.’

‘Someone needs to cut the ribbon on the new spa facility, and someone needs to punch the first ticket on the minibus, part of our, don’t drink and drive campaign!’

‘Try harder. What issue have they made their own? Think, I mean, say having delivered your drunken revellers back to town, what do we notice when wandering the streets at night? Do we not have with us today, the leading light of the night shelter committee, the very same person with the inside track to our nation’s leading scandal sheet. After all, HRH learnt the art of the unofficial visit at his mother’s knee, did he not?’

‘Archie, it’s always an education talking to you, I think we could rise to the occasion don’t you Charlie?’

‘Sure, no worries.’ She said, looking positively thunderstruck.

‘The other thing Tony. The date, fixed in stone long ago, is in ten days time!’

‘Bloody hell!’ Said Charlie.

‘Should be a piece of cake for someone with Tony’s resources. I’ll speak to the Duchess tonight. No one but the principals in the know mind you, even on the night it must just be rumours of the PM bringing a guest of honour, okay? I’m afraid you’ll have to put-up with my presence, they’ll need a translator to explain what you lot are all about! Ha!’

In truth, I didn’t start feeling the nerves until we were getting dressed on the afternoon of the day itself, me in black tie and Charlotte in a, just covering the knee, dress magic-ked from her new wardrobe. ‘So, full dress rehearsal on the wooden floor of the treatment room then.’

I chose my recording of the Miller Band playing, In The Mood; ‘I don’t imagine they’ll play it, but it’s three false endings before...’

‘See? The full twirl and it doesn’t show my knickers!’

‘Good. The jitterbug was a good ten years away.’

Practice having restored my confidence; everything went like a dream. We put our trust in Archie and took our cues from him. Charlie ended-up leading the Duchess through the new spa. When she returned, she said; ‘We’re on, the whole works, and apparently the Duke has expressed a desire to actually drive the minibus into town!’

‘I’ll speak to the Chief Constable!’

When I did, she didn’t like it; ‘Does he know what he’s doing?’ She liked it even less when I explained that the man who had driven it all the way from Birmingham was sat at the bar at that very moment and could no doubt provide instruction.

‘Jack! He’s a crook!’

‘But he fills your officer’s tanks.’

‘You, I... Oh, very well. But you get him out of the bar, this has to be private.’

As soon as the royal couple took to the dance floor, mobile devices began to appear in earnest. ‘Someone is bound to leak it immediately.’ Said Charlie.

‘Yes, it may hit some media websites, but too late for the print editions. Only the Don is holding the front page and the whole point is to place a picture of them dancing next to one you take later at the shelter.’

‘This whole shebang should do your reputation no harm at all Anthony, must be costing you a fortune though.’

‘Well, call it an investment Prime Minister.’

‘All our futures rest on them, you know.’

‘So, one would imagine.’

‘Shame they’re so, well, liberal.’

‘They can afford to be.’

And a moment or two later, another voice from the past. ‘Well, congratulations Tony. I take my hat off, again. Must have taken a bit of organising, even for you. And the band! Gracious, they make the entire club look young!’ So spoke Daphne.

‘And the night is still young too.’

In the end the convoy that headed back to town and the waterfront, consisted of a patrol car in front, then the minibus with Charlie, the VIPs and various hangers-on, with me behind in the new car giving Jack a ride, and finally a police van behind us.

‘Our Chief Constable really should learn how to get more fun out of life.’ Said Jack.

‘It was shear vanity and self-interest that made her swallow her pride and rope you in.’

‘You know, if you really want the edge, you should ask your new friend Henry “never plead guilty” Walpole, about her.’

‘Really?’

‘Oh, yes. Walpole remembers cross-examining her over her notebook, at her first appearance down the Bailey when she was a young WPC with the Met.’

‘Good lord! It never ceases to amaze me how well connected you are.’

‘How’s your extra computer working?’

‘Let’s find out!’ I said, pressing a button on the dash.

‘Nothing’s happening.’

‘We still have to wait for her to pick up.’

After a second or two; ‘Is that singing?!’ Exclaimed Jack.

Then, after a further short pause, Charlie went to speaker; ‘We’re all goin’ on a summer holiday, No more workin’ for a week or two, Fun and laughter on a summer holiday...’

‘That’s a bit ancient, even for them, surely?’ Said Jack.

‘Didn’t his mother play tennis with Cliff, or am I thinking of someone else?’

Then, to cap it all we heard; ‘The young ones, Darling, we’re the young ones, And the young ones, Shouldn’t be afraid...’

We ended-up, in conversation over hot chocolate at the shelter’s canteen; ‘I’m afraid sir, your dancing has leaked.’ I turned my mobile screen towards the VIPs. There were groans of disappointment and disapproval. ‘However, Charlie here has the means for instant rebuttal, should you care to take the advantage.’

‘Explain, if you would Tony.’ Interceded Archie.

‘Here on Charlie’s work mobile is a nicer dancing picture, plus one taken a few minutes ago, but with the client’s backs to camera, now Don Wooley of The Beacon, club member, is one of Charlie’s biggest fans and I took the precaution of asking him to hold the front page of the print edition, he can guarantee both pics appear side by side. It’s a bit tight, but you’ve a good ten minutes to decide.’

‘He’s published your pictures before hasn’t he Charlotte?’ Said Archie.

‘Yes, pictures from the summit, and the Crimean gold of course, always good about attribution and fees, but you’d know that ma’am, with your family pictures.’

‘Yes, yes. What do you think darling?’ The Duke turned and looked at the last flunkey still on his feet. There was an almost imperceptible nod.

‘Today was the best day.’ Charlie said later. Then added; ‘That other media outlet, the one that leaked, they’re the Don’s principal rival. That’s the give away you know, too clever by half you, always pushing it, I suppose you even said to Cat, something slightly gaudy, slightly tasteless.’

‘Am I that transparent?’

‘Only after the event, not the least predictable. Thank goodness.’

83: Transports of delight

‘The countess has arrived, sir. She’s parking the farm truck. I suppose I should have moved my car.’ So said Charlie, lolling by the media room window.

‘Did we promise her lunch?’

‘We didn’t promise anything, but I could include her in our cheese salad.’

‘Fresh from the garden?’

‘First of the season. I’ll show her into the reception room.’

‘I’ll be right with you.’

As I came down the stairs, I came within range of the conversation. ‘Well, I must say! I suppose he thinks he can disorientate all comers, well enough of that!’

Upon entering the reception room, I found Julia sat in my usual seat, with a smug look on her face. ‘Good morning, Julia.’

‘Smashing view, you’ve got here Tony!’

‘Well thank you.’

Forced to observe the icy glaze of the departed Aunt, whilst listening to the present one, I was more than confirmed in my belief that hanging the picture where I had was a good idea. ‘...he still thinks you’re a bounder of the first water.’

‘What?’

‘Oh! Do pay attention. I said that your uncle is still smarting over you departing Checkley, early. Truth is he’s feeling his age, needs all the help he can get.’

‘Well, you must hire more help. Charlotte and I seem to have a life full of commitments these days.’

‘Really? I thought you did as you pleased.’

‘We do. There’s just a lot of it.’ At which point Charlie returned with coffee.

‘I take it you intend giving Lady Julia the full tour, sir?’

‘Oh, absolutely. You will stay for a scratch lunch Julia, we’re due at Jack’s garage early this pm.’

‘Er, thank you Tony.’

‘If you’ll excuse me madam, I’ll see what’s fresh in the veg garden.’

After Charlie had departed, Julia commented; ‘Charlotte’s very formal this morning, you been upsetting her?’

I ignored the jibe; ‘What you need is a friendly housekeeper, so you and uncle can spend more time outside.’

‘What we need is someone like Charlotte, who can just shimmer in, then shimmer out again.’

‘I noticed you’re using the truck today.’

‘Yes, your uncle has gone to town, more work for his lawyers. I know I shouldn’t say this, but I don’t want you making any silly arse, gorping remarks when he finally tells you. And, no disrespect to darling Charlotte, but strictly between ourselves, my beloved has done the decent thing and left all his worldly goods to me. So, in the fullness of time. And it might be a long time, given our closeness in age.’

‘Of course, understood.’

‘Still, I suppose if I lose my marbles, you could become in charge at the manor, de facto. I don’t want old age to be a pain. What would you do with the estate?’

‘Step on the accelerator, pump in a couple of million, turbocharge Uncle’s existing organic schemes.’

‘Much as you have with the magazine. We’re no longer losing money by the way. Lots of online attention and advertising revenue is well up. However, it’s not escaped my notice, how the website links to all the other of your Trust’s activities. We carry adverts for the Park, for your garden centre. You’ve even got County Estates taking a regular spread.’

‘Sound business practice, one doesn’t know where future growth will come from, but then if everything links, you don’t have to.’

‘Yes, I suppose so. Well now, you going to show me around then?’

‘Office!’ Commanded Jack on our arrival.

‘Office?’

‘Today’s main challenge is to get your new motor correctly written-up on the manufacturer’s computer. Take a seat. Fiona love, couple of mugs of goop for our guests. Right then, here goes, the thing is, because the vehicle has spent the best part of a year in their pound - hence me getting it at last year’s price - it has to go back into the factory for a thorough going over and we have to see if any of your personalisation isn’t best done there. So let me read back what you’ve actually ordered so far.’

And after what seemed an age, of back-and-forth questions, of computer box-ticking, he said; ‘Okay?’

‘Okay.’

‘Now, how’s this all going to play out? Assuming it arrives within about ten days.’

‘Right, well, we inspect it, pay-up and take it away to run-in, leaving the old one behind for servicing along with the various bits of computer kit I have acquired for it’s upgrading. All done on the assumption that most of the time it will be garaged at home, only making half a dozen trips a year for Charlie’s fishing expeditions and visits up-country to her parents. Meanwhile, whilst we’re trying out the new car, I have to work out how and where the extra computer is fitted, then we come in for the second exchange.’

‘You’ll need to brief my lads yourself Tony, most of it will be over my head.’

‘The additional computer probably goes under the rear bench; the main innovation, will be four, in-cab cameras...’

‘Oh, my god!’ Opined Charlie.

‘So, rather than monitor just individual behaviour, one can make a start on social interaction.’

‘Somebody told me your American friends had changed their name recently.’

‘It was a buy-out, the Trust took ten per cent of the stock in the new company, hence a regular income stream. But the UK licencing of facial recognition security applications stays the same. Nice little earner too, twelve police forces and three security agencies so far.’

‘I told you to stick with him love!’ He said, as an aside to Charlie.

‘Okay, okay.’ I said; ‘Can we now get to the real, main event? We’re itching to see the minibus.’

‘Now don’t be alarmed by it’s appearance, fact is, change of plan with the paint job.’ So said Jack as he led the way to the back of the workshop.

‘Ah! Yes. I see what you mean.’

‘I’ve got my two apprentices taking it all off, back to the metalwork. I took an executive decision when I saw the interior Birmingham were offering.’ Jack proceeded to show us inside. ‘The seats with that new upholstery, have been imported to go with the colour of these, now steam cleaned walls.’

‘Which suggests a sort of green and vanilla exterior?’

‘But not just any green, the green of the Park website, the green of The Countrywoman magazine.’

‘Brunswick Green, formally of the real GWR and early British Railways.’ So said Charlie.

‘Precisely Watson. Well done, Jack, your instincts are as sound as always.’

‘And just in case you were wondering.’ He then proceeded to show us the engine, which as far as I could tell looked brand spanking new.

Back in the office once more. ‘I don’t mean to pry, or anything, but it’s not like you to let your lads join a government scheme, having college lecturers forever snooping around.’

‘The only time my boys see the inside of that college is when they sit the exams. We pay our own way.’

‘But...’

‘We get away with it, Tony my old son, because my main man has more letters after his name, than any of those jokers at the college!’

‘Ah! Right. Well, when the bus is photograph-able, prepare a proper brochure with a real price. I’ll present it to the Park management committee, then, assuming it will be a substantial sum, get it signed off by Uncle, my Aunt Julia and myself as shareholders. But give me a realistic price as soon as possible so I can prepare the ground. Just one other thing, to make it work you need to provide and supply back-up fuel to go in it’s garage in the old stable block at the Park. So, any other business?’

‘Your architects think we should start re-configuring the filling station from the far end of the site, bit by bit, as and when, this electric thing takes off, or doesn’t.’

‘So, you build a new shop, stroke cafe, stroke pay point, stroke loos, to replace the coffee machine and yesterday’s sandwiches.’

‘Ever mindful that it’s not your general public who keep us in profit and whose habits we need to be responding to.’

‘How do you mean?’ Asked Charlie.

‘Perhaps you’ve not been at Jack’s filling station during unsocial hours?’

‘We make our money, Charlotte my dear, mostly at night, by refuelling public service vehicles, the emergency services and delivery lorries. Location, location, location.’

As we were settling back in the car, Charlie was catching-up on her mobile device. ‘A text from your trusted lieutenant, sir.’

‘Oh, yes?’

‘Wants to know if you have a date for the dinner dance?’

‘I don’t know yet, however, the inaugural nineteen forties dinner dance with swing band, should be marketed as our contribution to the Jubilee celebrations.’

‘Did you know Archie Layton was at university with the second in line to the throne?’

‘Of course, never shuts up about it. Always recalling how he first collided with them at old time Scottish dancing lessons... Charlie, you’ve done it again.’

‘What?’

‘Out of the mouths of babes and what’s it’s!’

76: Fossil fuel Jack

‘Electric classics! Better fuel economy, electric conversions.’ Charlie was reading aloud the signs that now featured on Jack’s revamped forecourt.

‘It’s a front.’ I replied.

‘It’s an outrageous affront, you mean.’

‘I say that’s rather good. He’s just keeping up with the times, being seen to be Green. Much like Buffy Trumpton, with his hosting of this year’s climate conference, keeping one foot ahead of the opposition.’

‘How come? There aren’t going to be any electric classics, it’s a contradiction in terms.’

‘Absolutely. But it hasn’t stopped them trying, though I doubt he’ll sell any. Right now, they’re the most environmentally dirty and uneconomic cars there are. Even an electric hatchback has to be on the road for ten years before it has less of a footprint than its petrol equivalent. That’s the manufacturing process for you, let alone disposal.’

‘Why are we here?’

‘Ah, for a general chin-wag with Jack about our future motoring requirements.’

‘Thinking of buying a new car?’

‘When to buy, our last new petrol car!’

‘I’m rather attached to the one we’ve got.’

‘Well so am I, it’s just a question of whether we need what we’ve got, plus? Whether one could attach what we might need to what we’ve got, or need to start again.’

‘What more could we need?’

I avoided having to answer that question as Jack could be seen coming out from the showroom; ‘You two don’t look convinced by our new exterior.’

‘It’s not us you need to convince.’ I replied.

‘This coffee is, truly diabolical Jack.’ Opined Charlie.

‘Oh, thank you very much, it’s what I provide free to my crew, we sell it for one pound twenty, per hundred grams, at the filling station.’

‘Gut rot. Surely, as favoured customers we deserve better!’

‘No, no, darling. You’re the privileged ones. You get everything at cost. It’s only the punters I’m going to stiff, who get the posh stuff. Talking of which, you have a friendly firm of architects, don’t you Tony?’

‘Yes.’

‘Well, I’ve been wondering about how to stay ahead of things at the filling station. Been a load of chat about rapid charging recently. As you know I own the field next door. Been thinking about a sort of modest cafe - eat whilst you recharge, that sort of thing.’

‘Yes, there must be a punning name in there somewhere, something about recharging your batteries. Anyhow, if I may be allowed to call this meeting to order, when is it a good time to buy our last new car, so to speak?’

‘Now, as it happens.’

‘Really?’

‘The future is very uncertain. For example, right now, the factory has about twenty, right-hand drive versions of what you took to France. And that’s it. No more until fresh supplies of chips get to the contractor who produces the computers. And there are other bottlenecks to come. The price will rise, it might even pay you, to get me to garage it for you in the interim.’

‘The interim?’

‘Until you get a second, or double garage for yourself.’

‘Two cars?’

‘Well, registered as one each, but yes.’

‘Why?’

‘Because they would both be appreciating assets. You should also pay me to acquire petrol engine spares to put in the store, for the same reason.’

‘I see, I think.’

‘It’s not like the situation with your junior officer. As I was trying to explain to him the other day, if he is serious about the old Triumph, he’d have to do all the legwork himself. Given the age of the vehicle. You know, join the member’s club, spend his Sundays going around meets and things, acquiring spares wherever he can find them. Not a service I can afford to provide.’

‘Have you met his new lady companion?’

‘Yes, she seemed very enthusiastic on his behalf! I understand you all went on a jolly.’

‘Ah! Now, yes, I knew there was something else.’

‘Yes?’

‘Are there such things as vintage minibuses?’

‘Sure, quite a few as a matter of fact, the question is though, who would want to collect any of them?’

‘Alright. What I meant was, are there any classic designs?’

‘Well, not to look at. Reliability wise, I guess so. There were the bay line minibuses from the late eighties onwards, Ford Transits or Dafs but with a proper bus body, made by a Birmingham company if I recall. High ceiling, automatic doors. Remember them?’

‘Oh, yes. Of course.’

‘Not much to look at, but without the advertising, could be made to look classier with two tone pastel colours, clever lining. Proper burgundy rather than red, and cream rather than white.’

‘You’re ahead of me on this, aren’t you?’ I smiled.

‘Well, with your club so far out of the way, and your lot do like to get pissed a little. I’d say a, three-times daily, courtesy bus service, to and from town, would go down a treat. Look very Green.’

‘What would you think Charlie?’ I asked.

‘You’d do us chauffeurs out of a job!’

‘Do a bit of research if you would Jack, whilst we decide about cars.’

Before she drove away, I found Charlie an online view of one of the said minibuses; ‘Oh, right. I remember them, they lasted for years.’

‘We could keep it at the stable block, bus stops at the bungalows and main carpark...’

But her mind was elsewhere; ‘Would getting a second garage, really be realistic?’

‘I don’t know, do you get the sense that any of the other garages are being under used?’

‘Not sure, Bernard might know.’

‘That’s true.’

‘Would you do that, give me one of the cars?’

‘Ah, small technical problem.’

‘Oh, yes?’

‘Well, what Jack is suggesting would involve an outlay of over fifty thousand, for our own personal, fossil fuel, use. We’ve just changed the family trust into an overwhelmingly Green, charitable trust. Have we not?’

‘Oh, no!’

‘I’m afraid so. The trust owns this vehicle, that’s another fifty grand. It could only work if the trust owned both, and both for business purposes. But how one gets that past the trustees?’

‘But there is a way, though. I know there is, by the way you are talking. A way of getting a load of dosh for one of your projects. Despite my good intentions, I know you wouldn’t have sacrificed everything just to please me.’

I left a long silence; ‘It would involve a vote, to invoke certain obscure clauses, requiring myself, Bernard and Brinkley to vote the same way. And then another vote on the purchase itself. And of course, the two of them, would undoubtedly have their price.’

‘Cash!’

‘No, no. Conditions, insisting certain things were done their way. It will all require a lot of thinking through.’

‘What are our Christmas arrangements going to be?’

‘Well, working backwards, we need to be back home from Checkley Manor on Boxing Day in time to let Kenneth in, and for you and he, to lay on the Book Club tea. You’ll need to decide what culinary delights you’re prepared to tolerate, ahead of time, as it were.’

‘Oh, lord.’

‘Before that, I think it might be a courtesy to Julia, to turn up at a reasonable time, in a reasonable state, on Christmas Eve.’

‘Well, that’s alright, I won’t booze much at the club Christmas lunch.’

‘There might just be one little local difficulty though.’

‘Oh, yes?’

‘The dining committee has decided in its wisdom to hold a blind tasting before the lunch.’

‘Of what?’

‘The best of the Park cellar, plus the stuff we’ve been buying-in this year.’

‘But why a blind tasting?’

‘Well, we couldn’t agree about what to stock for the next twelve months! Luckily, I’ll be the one devising the rules.’

53: Sparkwell's return

‘Where the hell are you?’ Said Charlie, down the line.

‘At the Villa.’

‘You’ve moved us!’

‘Only me and my stuff, take a look around, you’ll find you’re still fully intact. What’s that crash?’

‘I just dropped my fishing tackle. Oh, now I see, I think? The camera has gone from the treatment room I notice.’

‘Yes. I’m speaking to you from the Media Room, first-floor front. But anyway, I couldn’t move you without your consent, but then I couldn’t show you what you might wish to move to; without moving myself - if you see what I mean?’

‘That might be logical in your world but I’m not sure... I’ve only been gone a week; you must have been scheming this for ages.’

‘Well not really. The builders finished here the day after you left. You commandeered the car so I had to leg it to Jack’s for a courtesy vehicle and he was moaning about how much his lads were underemployed and suddenly I had a brainwave...’

‘Don’t bother.’

‘All done for free, payback for our road trip. Anyway, get yourself over here. It would appear I’ve got some even bigger news you may have reservations about.’

‘Oh my god, what?’

‘Have you been living in total isolation?’

‘Of course.’

‘Not listened to the news?’

‘Why would I?’

Charlie arrived rather recklessly. I’m sure some curtains must have twitched in the avenue. She practically ran up the path, clearly, she must have put the radio on. ‘Don’t you ever do that to me again. I almost crashed. Are you out of your mind? Talk about getting above yourself, and just what role in the proceedings had you got in mind for me?’

‘Firstly, the idea came from the top; secondly, they’ve asked for you, more or less full-time until the summer.’

‘But, but... You’ve only got six of the bedrooms in commission!’

‘Correction, we’ve got state rooms as grand as anything they’ll have ever known, they just need the dust blowing off.’

‘What!’

‘And if they’re not satisfied, they can make do with the servant’s quarters above.’

‘Seriously, Tony. What’s this all about?’

‘Buffy’s revenge, I think. His chance to stick it to the rest of the world.’

‘How?’

‘He wants us, as we are. The club. Right down to the regular menu.’

‘Well let’s pray they’re not here on a Thursday.’

‘Why?’

‘Well! I’m pleased you’ve forgotten, as chair of the Dining Committee you must have approved it once upon a time - Spotted Dick with lumpy custard.’

‘Oh yes. Happy days.’

‘So, you promised Prudence foreign statesmen, are you going to deliver an HRH too?’

‘Well, unknown as yet. But we do have a banqueting room familiar to their ancestors.’

‘Well, you’ve changed this room.’

‘Yes, back to what it must once have been. Ground floor front, therefore a literal reception room, somewhere to meet visitors and decide whether they should be allowed any further on to the premises.’

‘Do take a seat madam, I’ll see if the young master is at home.’

‘Or, do take a seat, whilst I prepare the treatment room, there’s mineral water on the sideboard.’

‘What?’

‘Step this way.’

‘How come it’s so light? And where’s the dining table, you said it was a genuine heirloom.’

‘The table is in three bits in one of the top floor bedrooms, only took the lads five minutes, it was designed to be taken apart. The ceiling and walls above the picture rail have new white paint and LED ceiling lights, see? And, this back wall is now white, whilst the remaining posh wallpaper has had some sort of damp spongy treatment, that brings back the original slightly reflective effect.’

‘The floor?’

‘That I admit is a bit of an indulgence, has to be sealed again apparently, when the wood has dried out a bit more. Oh, and the patio doors have been rehung and tinkered with, easy to leave ajar now, for fresh air and birdsong on spring mornings. So, moving on, only minor changes to the kitchen and pantry.’

‘Fresh paint and?’

‘Just a thorough clean-up really, food was quite a priority with the Aunt.’

‘What’s happened to the backdoor?’

‘Oh yes, I almost forgot, it has in fact been replaced. So, no more bolts but a dead lock as well as a sprung lock - now an alternative way to ingress and egress the property.’

‘Honestly this isn’t fair, you’ve been doing this to make me want to be here, rather than creating your own space. Now, it’s like I owe you!’

‘You haven’t seen upstairs yet.’

‘Oh cripes.’

‘So, master bedroom one, street facing, becomes proper family withdrawing room come library - henceforth to be known as the Media Room.’

‘Now that is cool.’

‘Well yes, and apart from Barmy’s garden shed I can’t think of one to beat it. Indeed, my wraparound screen is bigger that his.’

‘Looks like you’re still at the same place with your father’s documents as you were when they were downstairs?’

‘Yes, and likely to stay that way if I have to be hands-on with the Summit. Anyway, moving along, real master bedroom, garden facing with new improved bath and shower arrangements.’

I left a long pause, until she broke the silence; ‘All plumbed in, but no tiles yet.’

‘Correct.’

‘Well, I’m not signing-up for cleaning. Either you do it yourself or get someone in. And the car?’

‘Bernard is in negotiation to get Uncle Thomas’s mews garage back.’

‘Mews?’

‘At the confluence of the two back lanes that serve the avenue.’

‘Now you’ve lost me.’

‘An ancient, pre-historic version of a residents association, formed out of the freeholders, to look after the mews, the back lanes, the avenue, and the common lawn behind the trees.’

‘It’s all private? You wouldn’t know it.’

‘Long may it stay that way.’

‘You said you would be using last week to settle the reconstituting of the Trust!’

‘Well, that’s slightly delayed on account of it can only happen once Bernard and Brinkley have put their own semi-retirement plans into operation.’

‘You’re in charge, aren’t you?

‘Of course, but they have to do it all of their own free will and fly-off to the sun in the firm belief it was all their own idea.’

‘You know you said I’d have to find out about those two on my own. Well, I’ve discovered nothing, so perhaps you’d better come clean.’

‘All I know, all anyone knows - and this’s the point - is, you know that Art Deco block of flats between here and town? That’s where they live.’

‘Together?’

‘No. They each have a second floor flat; they live across the corridor from each other.’

‘Oh. Right.’

‘And, about twenty-five years ago, when this arrangement began, they each went halves on a timeshare in Spain. The only gossip ever to emerge, is that they nearly always take annual leave at the same time.’

‘They don’t look the part, do they?’

‘I’m not sure that’s an appropriate question these days?’

‘You know what I mean! Brinkley looks positively, Dickensian.’

‘Indeed, the miserly clerk, sat on a high stool at one of those high desks. Whilst Bernard looks like the country squire, fresh from tearing a strip off the stable lad.’

‘So, what happens, they keep their financial stake in the whole set-up I take it?’

‘Absolutely. They just hand over most of their clients to the staff they’ve been bringing along the last couple of years, with the exception of the Trust, the Park and the club accounts. If you go to the websites of Brinkley Associates, and Merriweather and Stollard, you will find them describing themselves as Consulting Accountant and Consulting Solicitor respectively.’

34: Charlie's road movie

‘With respect Jack, that’s not an answer. We need more if we’re to proceed, not the whole story of course, but how was the approach made?’

‘You’ve not talked to him?’

‘Not for ten years. He’s not online as far as I know. We communicate via snail mail from time to time, plus the occasional unsolicited gift of a rare goat’s cheese!’

‘He got in touch about six months ago, said could I get the latest version of what you’ve got? I assumed you were in on it.’

‘I’ve been there Jack! I would not take my car up that mountain. It would be knackered within the week.’

‘Well, when I say what you’ve got, it’s the new four by four version, plus various bits of personalisation.’

‘I see, I’ve read about it in the media, perhaps we should spend some time with the user’s manual?’

‘Piece of cake, but when you do go off the main roads check the clearance, can’t be sure we have the default on the suspension right for four by four where you’re going. Still, your mate must know what he’s about, suggesting you as delivery boy.’

‘Yes, still, a set-up is a set-up whichever way you slice it. I know the car is assembled in the UK but it’s full of European bits and mostly made for export, there must be some dealers in France?’

‘That’s the invoice there, despite all the zeros he is getting it cheap, and fully road tested right-up to his front door.’

‘So, you’ve collected the lion’s share already. How does he pay the remainder?’

‘He has a good mobile connection, just watch him make the transfer, and all’s done - and we hold over your expenses to be compensated for in some fashion, sometime soon.’

‘What if we breakdown?’ Charlie asked.

‘You almost certainly won’t, and if you did you’d know the problem and you’d do what you’d do with your own car. The breakdown cover in the docs is quite legit like everything else.’

‘This is the contact number?’

‘Sure.’

‘Right.’ I took out my mobile. ‘I’ll text.’

‘What are going to say?’ Charlie chipped in.

‘Ask the name of a good restaurant close to one of our older universities!’

‘So he respects you for not trusting him?’

‘Absolutely. And as for that Hans, clearly his situation has changed, and he now wants the best. I imagine once he gets a look at you, he’ll harbour further ambitions.’

‘We’ll have an hour to spare if you want to go hunting for cod & chips.’

‘That’s extraordinarily generous of you, but we’ll be offered copious amounts of food once on board, throughout the eight hours!’

After boarding and checking out the cabin, we took a turn around the deck, watching the land recede as we sailed. All very clichéd really. Then we went in search of food. Settled at the table, Charlie started pursuing the free tourist map thoughtfully supplied by the ferry company. ‘So where are we actually going?’

‘About half an hour beyond Carcassonne we turn left, then almost immediately it becomes a narrow mountain track, very green, dark and chilly, one in four in places, that we’ll take with caution, so after about twenty-five minutes the track runs out into Hans’ farmyard!’

‘And your route?’

‘Rennes, Le Mans, Tours, Poitiers, Limoges, Toulouse, Carcassonne.’

‘Le Mans! You’ve got this all schemed-out haven’t you?’

‘No, no I haven’t, Hans has. He’s playing me. He must have been following me for years online. Ha! Sending me grubby little notes scribbled on the back of old postcards smelling of sheep shit, wrapped in an airmail envelope, gifts of the smelliest cheese he can find - I’ll have him! Viruses of the mind, memes, trying to hack my brain.’

‘Chill-out, enjoy the trip.’

After a pause. ‘I can’t imagine getting by without you, you know.’

‘Shut, up! So, do we get to do the Le Mans circuit?’

‘What we do I think is the straight, gently let the speed rise to seventy-five or eighty for the first time, then text the bastard some sort of short, situation report. We need to join in the spirit of the thing, get in his good books, then he’ll confess all.’

‘So, this all goes back to university, was he there because of old family money like the rest of you?’

‘Well, I’ve been wracking my brain trying to remember. But I doubt any of us approached the subject, I mean German history over the last one hundred and fifty odd years and all that. Same with Barmy, much of what these guys do may be meant to be a break with the past.’

‘Doesn’t bare thinking about.’

‘And Hans looks the part too, blond, blue eyes, well over six foot - Hollywood casting.’

‘That’s enough food. You’ve still got work to do.’

‘You want to explore the full potential of that cabin do you?’

‘Oh no, we have another full turn of the deck to do.’

The following morning found me still at the wheel. Leaving the coast behind Charlie suddenly piped-up, ‘You haven’t had the computer on!’

‘No, that wouldn’t be fair, and might sow suspicion. And I suppose, no that’s not possible, he’d need a lot of help for that.’

‘What are you thinking?’

‘Well with a lot of help, he might be able to not just follow, but track!’

‘God, what a suspicious mind you have.’

‘I know, anyway if there is some financial dodge, better the car doesn’t remember the trip.’

‘When do you want me to take over?’

‘After Rennes I think, everything is as manual as it can be at the moment, no power steering, gears, suspension as hard and low as it can be, I think? But it doesn’t feel like it’s as stuck to the road as ours. Anyway you’ll feel it for yourself, if Le Mans is okay then we’ll start playing around.’

As we approached Rennes Charlie piped up. ‘There’s some sort of service area thingy indicated.’

‘Ah yes, now then. I’m going to ignore that, because although it won’t be the same as the old days, nonetheless, just for form’s sake, we should get off on the right foot and begin the adventure toasting ourselves with some ex-SNCF Gare vin de table!’

Alas, all the catering had moved from the older station buildings. We drank and nibbled in plastic and glass surroundings. Charlie commented; ‘You seemed to be enjoying your conversation with that booking clerk.’

‘Well, yes. He advised against booking anything, just be opportunistic about what comes along, especially since we are one hundred per cent dependant on Hans bringing us off the hill into Carcassonne. But we’ve no real idea what time of day that will be. Still, Carcassonne to Toulouse is one journey, on a semi-fast local. At Toulouse we can be sure to get on a TGV set, but nonetheless the line is still mostly just an upgrade of the old mainline, so it’ll take as long to go Toulouse-Paris as it took us to go Paris-Antibes.’

As Charlie began to relax behind the wheel, she confided; ‘One day when Brinkley spotted me on my own with the car, he started to ask me how much of the driving I did, how much responsibility I took.’

‘He did, did he?’

‘He grumbled about how expensive this kind of motoring is. I didn’t say anything about deals with Jack or anything.’

‘Ata girl.’

‘He reckoned that because officially I’m as poor as a church mouse, then if I owned our car, it would be cheaper for the trust.’

‘He’s wooing you. That’s an attempt at seduction. The trust owns the car officially, what he wants is for you to lease it back or some similar loan type arrangement, like an employee car loan as if it were required for your job, so you end up giving back to the trust in repayments even more of the money it pays you. At the same time it opens up another line in the accounts for expenses - playing one off against the other to minimise the overall tax burden depending on which way the wind is blowing.’

‘But surely, it would cost as much in his fees as it would save?!’

‘Sure, but he gets off on this kind of stuff, professional pride. One really has to keep a firm hand on such people.’

We spent an hour or so at the Le Mans motor museum, then did our little time trial. We took a selfie in front of the car, and along with the stats, texted it to Hans.

‘He likes it, wants more, what should I reply?’

‘Er, “See you before dusk tomorrow, will test all auto functions en route and report. Do you wish me to boot up and test computer, question mark?”

There was a pause for about five minutes, then; ‘Here we go, “Leave computer, you must teach me from beginning when you arrive. I expect regular reports next twenty-four hours.”

‘Yes, he’s trying not to show panic.’

Trouble was, there wasn’t much to report, except the ever-changing countryside. We’d had no time to find a nice Chateau hotel, so made do with a motel almost totally devoid of human interest. We tried every combination of auto and driver-assisted technology the car had to offer. I half expected Charlie to demand I place an immediate order with Jack for a trade-up - but she didn’t. We sent a few more technical sounding reports and photos. Just before the turn-off onto Hans’ road, I pulled over, adjusted the clearance.

‘It looks pretty odd, ruins the whole look, the slick styling suddenly turns chunky and boxy.’

I got out, and saw what she meant. ‘I agree. Still, better safe than sorry. Check your device.’

‘No new message.’

‘I was sure there’d be a request, with list, for the Super Marché! Okay then. One last text; “Leaving D5 now.”

I couldn’t help myself, after five minutes of growing confidence and no message saying anything was coming down the hill, I got in the groove. I put the lights on. With the heavy vegetation in the valley, the falling light and the relative silence, there was every chance he’d see us coming. In the end I almost over did it, not coming out of the trance until I saw him waiting in the yard. Perhaps he realised he’d need to show himself.

‘Blimey is that him?’

‘Absolutely. Now then, you go and introduce yourself, then bring him over to sit in the passenger seat.’

‘What about the dogs?’

‘Dogs? Oh, the collies, he’ll signal them as soon as he sees you coming. And don’t panic if he goes into a kissing hands routine and offers to show you his ancestral duelling sword!’