139: To the manor born

‘You two still yacking?’ She said, looking accusatively in my direction.

‘What is yacking?’ Said the voice from the chaise lounge.

‘To talk aimlessly.’ I interceded.

‘But we talk seriously, purposefully. And we are old buddies, ya?’

‘May I remind you, sir! We are due at Checkley in time for lunch. Number two car is out the front, packed and ready to go. No offence Barmy.’

‘Then we will conclude.’

‘What on earth is that?’ Charlie said looking at my screen.

‘Tony’s timeline, for the years preceding his parent’s death, so far it’s only plotted with the data from the two sets of passports, British and Swiss, but they are all road border crossings, we’ve been speculating.’

‘Amongst others things. I’ve also briefed Barmy on Jack, vis-a-vis Mel.’

‘Right.’

‘Give me a second and I’ll email this infographic to the two of you, all ideas welcome because although I learnt plenty from Daphne and Archie, that’s just eliminated possibilities, not actually suggested any answers.’

Barmy rose to leave; ‘Give some care to how you present the data, at some point you may want to give it to Eltham’s AI app. In time I’m sure he will connect it to all the road mapping data coming from his self-drive EV’s, that’s already including European borders, manned or not. If Wieck wanted the passports, or wanted them back, then it must still be a live issue, the present day should be your baseline.’

‘Holy shit!’

‘This is what they pay me for Charlie, holy shit, I see myself out.’

‘Do you trust Barmy?’ She asked when we were on the road.

‘I don’t need to; we’ve talked all this through before. Besides, we’re all family in a sense. The wildest question that occurs to me in sleepless moments is, was Barmy, then a recent import from Germany, placed alongside me at school on purpose, by persons unknown?’

‘Now that would be creepy! Anyway, what worries me now is how your uncle will react if our holiday is disturbed by my house hunting parents. I told Thayer to text any and all developments.’

‘I did pre-warn him that we might have to step out and meet your folks at some point.’

‘Thanks.’

As we were unloading at the manor, I said; ‘It’s been months and you still haven’t noticed when it’s staring you in the eye.’

‘Noticed what?’

‘Where the dish is.’

‘Should I have?’

‘This boot lid, it’s somewhat thicker than it used to be!’

‘Oh, my... I just thought I was losing it because I couldn’t get so much in. So, Jack’s lads fitted them to both?’

‘Sure, same method that’s used when they’re fitted under the skin of an aircraft.’

Then a voice-off shouted; ‘Come on you two, you're late.’

‘Fulsome apologies for our late arrive.’ I said as we came through the door of the big kitchen.

‘He says, dripping with sincerity.’ Replied uncle, with that whiff of existential despair.

‘Sorry too, in advance, for us being distracted by my parents.’ Added Charlie.

‘Now that’s, a legitimate excuse.’

A moment or two later, just as we were dunking fresh-baked bread into our homemade soup, my mobile pinged. When I raised my head from reading, they were all looking at me; ‘That was an email from Bernard.’

‘Who?’ Asked Julia.

‘His solicitor, someone finally caught up with him no doubt.’ Quipped the uncle.

‘Congratulations Charlie, you are, in the absence of any other claimants, now the proud owner of all the worldly goods of the late great Kenneth Murchison.’

‘And the flat?’

‘Any money raised to go to the Trust, Bernard suggests we give some thought to how his life might be memorialised, which by great good fortune is also now your responsibility too, given your position as lead trustee for charitable affairs.’

‘How much will the sale raise?’

‘Well, despite it having only one bedroom, it has as you’ve so often expressed, a grand location and situation, Bernard suggests there really is only one estate agent in the county capable of promoting...’

At which point Julia interrupted my peroration by reaching over and handing Charlie what looked like a copy of the forthcoming edition of The Countrywoman, presumably containing the photo spread of, and her extended captions on, the royal visits. There was a cheque paper-clipped to the front, though I was unable to read the amount.

‘But this is way too much.’ Protested Charlie.

‘Nonsense my dear, this is the second time in the magazine’s history you’ve enabled us to put Royal Exclusive on the cover.’

Late afternoon I went in search of Gregson before he packed up for the day. ‘You had me confused when you arrived sir, you not heading for the vines, like.’

‘We were late, and I rather assumed they’d be neglected.’

‘His lordship struggles a bit these days, though I doubt he’d admit as much.’ Then, looking directly at me, he said; ‘I must thank you for what you’re doing for our Tim.’

‘Er, Tim Adler is one of yours?’

‘Cousin Irene’s boy. She married an Adler, funny that. My father had three brothers, that’s how Gregsons is everywhere hereabouts. He used to love visiting when he was a nipper.’

‘He’s a useful gardener, and smart with it!’

‘Of course you see that, sir. Steering him towards the Arlington Trust and all. The others, family like, they see good school work and think, chance to get out of rural concerns. Always liked the lad. What do you make of this girl he’s hanging around with?’

‘Ah! She’s the daughter of old friends, known her since she was a child too. Tell anyone who’s concerned to rest easy.’

‘Now I must tell you, we had a day out on the railway the other day, there was a call out for volunteers to try out the first battery train. The wife put together a traditional picnic basket, quite a party atmosphere in our carriage in the end. Then afterwards we repaired at the Railway Arms, wonderful display of old photos, I couldn’t help wondering what’s intended for the bay platforms that used to take trains up the valley?’

‘Well, there is a thought they would make a good location for servicing a Dining Train, that could shuttle up and down in the evenings.’

‘Use some old Brighton Belle Pullman’s likely as not?’

‘No, no. They’re all in use by the charter trains. No, the thought is a couple of Mark One buffet cars could be restored as proper kitchen cars, back-to-back, with open First Class carriages at either end. Authentic, mid nineteen fifties.’

‘Course if you were to do it proper like you’d need to be serving Brown Windsor soup, lamb and two veg. Maybe suet pudding to finish.’

‘Perhaps we should hire your good lady to consult!’

The Moor takes people in different ways. Though we were only to be away twenty-four hours, I’d spent many hours prepping Charlie and she was in constant touch with Junior Jack. Little could be left to chance. I insisted for example that the room we would use overnight must be inferior to the one occupied by Sparkwell KC and wife.

‘We are lowly, we are humble, we attend upon and defer to. Whilst you sit demurely and hold your tongue, I am enthralled by his every utterance.’ I expounded, as I drove us through the labyrinth of moorland roads.

‘You’re going to have me behave in just the way father always expected of me. He’ll assume I’ve finally been broken on the wheel.’

‘It’s a game I’m willing to play because I’m not you. I’m guessing the fastest way to get him to relax and feel safe, is to mirror him. And tomorrow is a Sunday.’

I’m sure dear reader you are only too familiar with the modern hotel dining experience, which of course is why we have the club, so I’ll cut to the chase. Talk of house hunting arose of its own accord, but it wasn’t until later over coffee in the lounge that Sparkwell senior felt able to unburden himself. ‘Our worry, as even you may appreciate Charlotte, is as much about finding a spiritual home as a material one.’

‘I wonder sir, when you were consulting Mr Thayer, whether you took the opportunity of visiting the cathedral?’

‘Most certainly.’

‘Well, on the floor above County Estates is the office of my accountant Lawrence Brinkley, he does the cathedral’s books. And on the floor above him is my solicitor one Bernard Merriweather who is the Chancellor of the diocese of said cathedral, now they’re a gossipy old pair but, it strikes me they might be well-up on the kind of gossip, you’d want to know about.’

‘You seem remarkably well-connected Tony?’ Said Charlie’s mother.

‘Well, everyone knows everyone else hereabouts, it’s just the way it is.’

‘Thank you, Anthony. You’ve given us much to think about.’

‘Perhaps we should leave it there for today then.’

‘Yes, tomorrow is an early start. The manager informs me the local church is but a short walk.’

‘Only five minutes, but uphill all the way, father.’ Said Charlie, rising majestically.

125: The enemy within

All was not well from the off. As Charlie drew to a halt at the rear of Checkley Manor, uncle could be seen sitting on the bench seat outside the back door. He was attempting to smoke his pipe, something I’d not seen him do in many a year. ‘You find us in a state of chaos.’ He declared, with a cough. ‘That couple will be the death of me.’ Cough, wheeze. ‘Why I ever listened to you in the first place I’ll never know, I must be losing the plot. If you’d been here when you should have been, messing around with politics...’

‘Uncle! What on earth has happened?’

‘We were promised two weeks, three at the outside, so far it’s been almost a month!’

‘Do I take it the Gregson’s are still living-in?’

‘You do.’

‘Well, we’ll leave you in peace then, go and say hello to Julia.’

We discovered Aunt Julia in the library, doing a rare impression of uncle, hands behind her back, pawing the rug of the hearth in front of the non-existent fire. ‘Be seated the two of you. I’m afraid you find me in temporary command, my beloved having deserted the field of fire.’

‘Yes, we’ve already exchanged words at the back door.’

‘How did he seem?’

‘Disconsolate.’

‘Self-pitying more like. Now listen-up. Your task these holidays Tony, is not to keep your uncle absorbed in purposeful activity as before, but to keep Gregson away from him. And hopefully offer what assistance you can in facilitating their removal, ASAP, back to their rightful residence.’

‘I see.’

‘Whilst Charlotte will place herself between myself and Mrs Gregson. Any questions?’

‘Yes, what the hell has been going on?’

‘Evening Mr Gregson.’

‘Oh, thank goodness you’re here, sir.’

‘Are you free to talk?’

‘Yes, if you'd care to walk with me, I'm off to inspect today’s progress at the cottage.’

‘Things have been taking longer than expected I gather?’ I said, as we moved off.

‘Putting a bit of a strain on relations with his lordship I’m afraid, sir.’

‘Well, I’ll do what I can to smooth things over. So, the builders not pulling their fingers out?’

‘Oh no, sir. They’ve been very thorough, here every day when they have the materials. It’s the supply chain that’s the problem, demand for the most dependable gas heating parts has been very high, all the stuff that makes your system more robust, prepping for the row over heat pumps, which I’m assured couldn’t even keep the damp out of an old property like ours, located as we are next to the river. The supporting masonry is solid stone, only the back wall, the more modern extension has an insulated cavity now, and of course the roof, now has several layers of the whatever too. But even with double glazing throughout, you need heating with poke.’

‘Quite.’

When we arrived at the cottage, there was an old fashion hand written note left by the builders on the kitchen table. It read; ‘Will test heating tomorrow, if all’s well will leave on background, proceed with internal paintwork, five days approx. Advise further two days for further drying out before you return.’

‘That’s rather nice, to receive a hand written note, and legible too!’

‘Indeed, sir.’

‘How will the delay affect the bill?’

‘Hardly at all, the man hours have been more or less as expected, as I say supply chain issues, these lads always have other jobs to go to.’ Then he gave me a bit of a tour of the cottage.

‘Mrs Gregson will appreciate the changes.’

‘Oh, indeed, sir.’

‘How is her health?’

‘It will improve now. She’s become very much an inside person.’

Then we moved out onto the decking of the patio and took the walkway down to the little river jetty. ‘It would be nice to see fish back in the river.’ I spoke.

‘His lordship has been frustrated over acquiring the old brickworks. This A & C Restorations have plans of their own apparently.’

‘I know. Clean up the site, then half a dozen residential properties with river frontage and a generous half a field behind for a horse or two. The new railway company have already dredged around their quay at the old naval port and are looking to take on work further up river, provided the environment agency can be persuaded they don’t have a monopoly on wisdom when it comes to climate measures.’

‘You seem a lot better informed than we are?’

‘Well, fingers in pies Mr Gregson.’

Then we started our walk back to the house. ‘Looking back, I suppose relations with his lordship began to go downhill after all that business with the vines.’ Reflected Gregson.

‘Well, I feel much the same way, I found that offering help tended to fall on deaf ears, in the end I just went ahead and did things uninvited. He wasn’t displeased, he could see the sense in them, he just seemed more annoyed with himself for not being at the top of his game. He doesn’t seem to have grown into, growing old. I hope I learn not to look a gift horse in the what’s it! What’s for supper, I wonder?’

‘Pie, peas and new potatoes. Followed by a plumb sponge for dessert, the wife assures me.’

‘Oh, excellent!’

Nobody said much at the meal. Gregson saved his good news on the cottage until we were passing around the custard. I got approving glances from both Julia and Uncle, they must have assumed I’d been working my magic touch, I said nothing to disabuse them. Despite the fact we’d all been offered Mrs Gregson’s traditional English rural fare; I noticed everyone had cleared their plates!

The vines in the walled garden had been much neglected. I set-to, to try and catch-up a bit. But it wasn’t long before I was interrupted; ‘Why aren’t you keeping my beloved out of Gregson’s way?’ Said a stern voice behind me.

‘In case you hadn’t noticed Julia, both Uncle and Gregson are doing a perfectly good job of keeping out of each other’s way without my assistance. Besides there’s much to be done here.’

‘I see. Now then, since we’re alone. A is for Anthony and C is for Charlotte.’

‘I beg your pardon?’

‘Not like you to use such a simple nom de plume.’

‘Ah! Well, it is just a temporary measure.’

‘Enough to fool your uncle, you mean.’

‘He doesn’t have a suspicious mind like you. One has to try to do good by stealth where he is concerned. It’s just me doing what he always wanted, but with a bit of get up and go. Sometimes the best person for the job just has to step up and get on with it. I’ll hand it all over when it’s done.’

‘But at what price?’

‘The only price, will be greater influence.’

I found Charlie chopping wood. Stripped to sports bra, yoga pants and with her baseball cap serving as a sweet band, squirrel flowing out the back, she made an impressive site. ‘How’s it going?’ I enquired.

‘I’m catching up, slowly. Beatrice’s diet takes some working off.’

‘Beatrice? Who she?’

‘Mrs Gregson, idiot.’

‘I see. This has all been a bit of a storm in a tea cup.’

‘What?’

‘Uncle in a panic. Feeling the grip of the grim reaper’s icy touch no doubt, the whiff of existential despair.’

‘Well, you said it. We’ll need to get back to a strict regime of diet and exercise when we get home.’

‘Oh my God.’ I said, as another log split neatly with a single blow and fell to the ground.

109: The last peasant

‘We had a visit from the King a few days ago. Sat where you are now.’

‘Good lord!’ It was the only response I could think of.

‘Yes. In the west country tidying up loose ends regarding the Duchy, saying his last goodbyes, dropped by for an hour or so.’ Uncle was displaying his usual nervous tick of standing warming himself with his back to a non-existent fire. ‘Talked a lot about organics and the eastern European connection, doesn’t think he’ll be able to get out there again. Curious to know how we were getting on. Complementary about the wine.’

‘Really.’

‘Asked about progress on restoring the Park. Said the Prince had given him a favourable report.’

‘Well, that’s good.’

‘Asked my opinion of you, somewhat took me aback.’

‘My word.’

‘Hadn’t quite grasped that the couple he’d heard the Prince speak of, were the same people he’d met at Mackintosh’s place. Naturally I reminded him Charlotte had been honoured by the late Queen.’

‘I see.’

‘Fact is, he wanted an insider’s view, been hearing about your railway plans. Some sit down chat after a Privy Council meeting or some such. Wasn’t too sure what he was driving at to be honest. Said he didn’t want anything in the past to mess up the new stewardship of the Duchy. Quite a steam enthusiast it turns out. Anyway, some talk of an order in council, idea of that chum of yours, the one with the specs. So, I did the decent thing.’

‘The decent thing?’

‘Gave you a clean bill of health, said your Trust was altogether Green and that you were quite paternalistic towards the Park.’

‘Er, thank you.’

‘And er, he quite appreciates the inheritance problem, sands of time and all that. Well, better join the ladies I suppose.’

‘I've been telling Tony about our visit from the King.’

‘You might have waited so dear Charlotte could hear it!’

‘Boy’s talk.’

‘Do we accept that kind of thing anymore?’ Julia addressed the four of us reinstalled in the big kitchen.

‘When it’s a “need to know” thing, I’ve learned I’m often better off, well out of it.’ Offered Charlie.

‘I take the point, but consider it a reprimand Reggie.’

‘Very well, my dear. You still perusing your print edition?’

‘Just showing, the spread about the railway plans. I’m sure our readers are loving the pictures, but may find the plans alarming.’

‘Still, an exclusive, exclusive. Good for sales.’ I asserted.

‘You’ve got Gregson confused Tony. He sees you as the heir apparent, worried you’ll be distracted from country affairs by the railway. Not that it’s any of his business, he’ll be retiring in a few years.’ She continued.

‘Got to watch yourself with Gregson, never sure he’s on board with organics, more concerned with commercial farming, which is ironic really, more your grab whatever subsidies are going type.’ Added Uncle.

‘Well, I’m sure I’ll catch-up whilst we’re here.’

About twenty minutes later something truly alarming occurred. Julia placed before us what can only be described as a large bowl of assorted fruits.

‘Fruit! Just fruit? No pudding?’ I exclaimed.

‘We must all be mindful of our health.’ She said by way of explanation.

‘Charlotte’s opening our minds to sensible eating.’ Mused Uncle. ‘I’d have thought you’d be used to it. It’s what you get at home isn’t it?’

‘But I’m on holiday. Checkley is holidays. Sponge puddings, crumbles, it’s my reason for being here!’

‘Oh, grow up. Stupid boy!’ Declared Julia.

It was a few days before I got around to Gregson, I found him sat at his desk in the estate office watching YouTube! ‘Haven’t you got work to go to?’

‘Oh, hello, sir. I’m rather afraid it is work. Take a look at this. This, would you believe is a driverless tractor towing the latest laser sprayer. It, spraying from about a foot away, only sprays what actually needs spraying. The reduction in spray is colossal, and given the tractor is on cruise control for maximum fuel efficiency... I’m gobsmacked, sir.’

‘Wouldn’t work for wheat or barley I should think, too densely packed and variable even for that machine.’

‘You may be right, sir.’

‘And what will they cost to rent?’

‘Who knows! Hopefully I won’t be around to see it.’

‘You’re not unwell, are you?’

‘Oh no, sir. It’s just the wife and I have been trying to make our retirement plans.’

‘The tractor in this demo is not electric then?’

‘No, but it’s only a matter of time I suppose. I’m old enough to remember the start of it all. The wife and I used to enjoy Tomorrow’s World. Fifty years ago, that would be. They showed solar panels, wind turbines, oh and wave power, a barrage across the Severn to catch the tide. Of course, none of them has actually paid for themselves yet. And we’re all still waiting for our personal helicopters.’

‘Quite.’

‘Back then people just said the country, before townies invented the countryside.’

‘So, what are your retirement plans?’

‘Well, we were hoping to stay at the cottage, but I’ve not had the opportunity to discuss it with his lordship yet.’

‘I should try and get it all in writing as soon as possible, just in case either Julia or I suffer a blow to the head!’

‘It’s difficult sir, obviously my pension will be lower than my salary, and we pay a peppercorn rent as it is.’

‘What’s the state of the property?’

‘Well, that’s another thing, in need of urgent attention I’d say, I rather suspect your uncle is assuming we’d want to move on and would get all the work done when it was empty.’

‘There is other vacant property on the estate that could provide temporary accommodation, not to mention within here, for yourselves or the new manager when the time comes.’

‘We wouldn’t mind that for a few weeks. But if we were forced off the estate we’d be at the mercy of the local authorities.’

‘Anyway, I’m pretty sure you need to get everything tied down and watertight whilst you still have, not only your employee status but your official position as farm manager, I’ll say no more.’ He looked a little confused; ‘Think it through!’ I added, with a grin, as I moved away.

Sometime later, as we were coming to the end of our summer sojourn, I found myself taking an evening stroll with Uncle. ‘You’ll be back to help with the vines?’

‘Of course. The best will be ready earlier this year, keep a watchful eye. In fact, you might think of picking twice, two pressings.’

‘But surely with the warmth we’ll do well anyway?’

‘Yes, but the walled garden is so well protected, and drained, you could push it a bit, really go for it. Ride out any storms.’

‘We’ll see.’

We came back by the river and as we were passing the Gregson’s home I said; ‘When are you planning on doing the restoration work on the cottage?’

‘When they’re out and it’s empty.’

‘It might pay you to get started right away.’

‘How so?’

‘The Gregsons want to stay on at the cottage after retirement. And what’s more, be able to afford to live in reasonable comfort.’

‘Damn! I had plans. It’s so close on the river, I thought of a wooden patio out the back, leading down to a pontoon thingy for fishing.’

‘But no one is interested in fishing, the river isn’t clean enough, according to Charlie.’

‘I know, but I thought if I could acquire the land upstream, the old abandoned brickworks, one could clean-up the river. The place may look green now, but it is a brown field site.’

‘Well, that might stop the river getting worse, but you’d have to start dredging from wherever downstream, possibly all the way from the old naval port. It used to be navigable for quite substantial river barges as far as the works.’

‘Ah, well. Such is life. And now you tell me Gregson is going to be a pain about things.’

‘Not to you personally, not necessarily. You know, you can’t sack him because he is competent, you can’t make him redundant because his work is essential. He can hang around for almost another three years. Now, if the cottage is properly part of the farm business, necessary worker accommodation, then he, as head of it all, is legally responsible. If repairs have become say, urgent on health and safety grounds, well, I mean, easy enough to lose a hundred grand in the accounts, spread over a couple of years that is, as you say he’s the man for subsidies, grants, tax breaks...’

‘All the same, he’d be sticking his nose in our affairs till his dying day.’

‘Maybe. Who owns the brickworks now?’

‘Some shell company or whatever, subsidiary of a subsidiary, goes by the name of A & C Restorations.’

‘Oh, well, good luck with that then!’

61: Gardening leave

When it was all over, the Press were clearly divided along political lines. Some asserted the conference was a great embarrassment to all right-thinking internationalists and a personal humiliation for the Prime Minster; others declared Britain was back, taking up its historic role as a leader on the global stage. Charlie was now so trusting of her fellow club members; she didn’t bat an eyelid at The Beacon’s treatment of her photos from the shenanigans in the Games Room.

One of the advantages of our side-by-side desks in the Media Room, was the uninterrupted view they afforded of the entrance to the avenue, the spot favoured by our Postie for leaving the van. Early one morning in late June, Charlie suddenly jumped up; ‘There’s at least a couple of letters, I hope there’s nothing distracting, I promised to get Kenneth’s gardening supplies this morning.’

Upon her return she thrust an invoice, come receipt, come cheque, into my hand. ‘What’s all this about?’ She enquired.

‘It’s a cheque from The Beacon, for services rendered. Not a bad little earner.’

‘I didn’t know photos were worth so much, I’ll pay it into the bank.’

‘Er, I’d hold fast on that one, for a week or so, if I were you.’

‘Why?’

‘Well, the short answer is your tax status just changed, the longer answer is you may just have taken a jump in your social status and career prospects.’

‘What?’

‘You, are in need of the best financial advice, and I don’t mean Brinkley!’

‘Go on.’

‘The date on this advice. That, if I’m not mistaken, is when you first had a proper sit-down chat with Wooley at the club, ages ago, and he took that snap of you in your fitness kit. This is him, or perhaps his proprietor, paying you for what eventually became the Page Three story. There may be a second cheque, perhaps twice the size, for the Games Room photos. They’ve bounced you, with a paper trail, into the official economy. How much have your tips come to in the last year?’

‘I don’t know. Maybe five grand.’

‘You need to start keeping a cash book, and start paying it all into a bank, start using card payments whenever possible.’

‘But I’m not going to be liable for much more tax, am I?’

‘Who knows, you may slip into a new code or category! Brinkley can do your books, but all this needs to be done, and seen to be done, properly. We need to end your employee status and make you self-employed. It’s time for you to meet the Banker, and this cheque is going to be your letter of introduction.’

‘Oh yes, and who might that be?’

‘Archie Layton, not sure of his job title this week, but he is number two at the National Bank in our great cathedral city, in other words, the new bank, three doors down from the old bank, he handles all business emanating from the latter.’

‘You want me to change banks?’

‘No, Archie will have you, wanting to change banks! He’s about your age. He thinks what the Trust does is just, oh so quaint and terribly amusing, he’ll have you with a portable chip and pin machine in your bag before you can say, “Step this way, sir”.’

In the days that followed, it became my habit, after spending an hour or so on father’s papers, to wander through to the bedroom window and stare down into the garden. One day I found myself squatting - it wasn’t the precise view, but close. The colour, the layout, and with the window slightly ajar, the smell, the distant sound of voices. I decided I’d better go and find myself some human interaction. Coming out of the pantry door, I walked in on the conversation.

‘We have a duty to our ladies and gentlemen Sparkwell... Good afternoon, sir.’

‘Oh, blimey! Not you as well Kenneth? I don’t think I could cope with being dragged down another rabbit hole. Cease and desist. Now, you two, bring me up to speed with the garden. I promised you both there would be action on renovating the shed and the possibility of a couple of cold frames. Where would they go in relation to your revived composing?’

I was given another tour. ‘Have you found the right kind of carpenter then?’ Asked Charlie.

‘Not exactly, I’m thinking of the guy, and his mate, who came to the rescue of the walled garden at Checkley Manor about ten years ago, if they’re still around. I shall have words with Gregson.’

‘Rather you than me, he sees you as the heir apparent, I’m just the hired hand.’

‘Well, you can’t have it both ways at the same time, you can switch roles back and forth with me but it doesn’t work with others unless you, can make them play along. And as I say, I can only take so much of it anyway.’

‘I’ll make the tea.’

‘You’ve upset her now.’

‘Good lord, have I?’

‘You’ve just told her she can’t have it all! She may be all for living in the moment, but she has a romantic view of the future. She’s had it tough in the past, so much so obvious, but you’ve made her feel deserving of it all. She needs to add the art of being the game and gallant loser to her repertoire. They don’t get that, those reformers at Beaconsfield.’

‘I’ll remember that.’

‘She doesn’t play sport; she rescues the injured. And does she know that you are content to be a big fish in small pool?’

‘I know you’d never have got away with this kind of park bench philosophy with my aunt, she’d have shut you down within half a sentence.’

‘Indeed, she was a master at evading the issue, or perhaps just asserting her own priorities. Don’t get me wrong, I’m having more fun than I’ve had in a long time.’

‘We’d better set up the table and chairs.’

‘We can probably leave them out now, I’m told we’re in for a long and glorious summer.’

‘Now whose being romantic about the future!’

When Charlie returned from her first encounter with the Banker, I was anxious to know how it went; ‘Well?’

‘He’s back-dated me to the beginning of the financial year, apparently I’ve so far done freelance work for The Beacon, twice, had a short-term contract with the government, will collect expenses as a Trustee, been continuing with a now ‘annually negotiated’ contract as a consulting Carer for the charitable arm of the Trust, collected fees from clients as a physical therapist - and he wonders, why the club don’t keep me on a retainer for being their chief trouble-shooter!’

‘And you signed-up for whatever accounts best facilitate such activities?’

‘Archie said never use a bank teller again, always see him when paying in, so I get a free update on what’s happening, whilst he can demonstrate to the bank it’s him who’s bringing the business in. That way, he gets to judge if charges are ever appropriate.’

‘Excellent.’

‘Nice to be treated like, somebody.’

‘Quite right.’

‘He gave me a bit of inside gossip too.’

‘Oh yes.’

‘You are aware I take it, sir, of the ongoing saga of posh London estate agents, County Estates.’

‘Well, yes, one of the long-time Brinkley, Bernard conspiracies.’

‘Well, it’s happened, the money has anyway, the old bank will shortly have estate agents on the ground floor, accountants on the first and solicitors on the second. What happens in the attic?’

‘Just a couple of storage rooms. The next time you push a wad of folding money across Archie’s desk you might say, Tony sends his regards and does anyone know what is in the old bank’s safe in the basement? It’s one of the great mysteries, one that alluded father too, apparently.’

32: The hostess with the most zest

‘Our bags are packed, sir.’

‘Excellent, and I have all the gizmos we’ll need here in my office bag. So, let us highest hither.’

‘You said via the Park, what commissions today?’

‘Not a commission Charlie, this one is a shakedown, as our American cousins would say. I’ve summoned Prudence to a crash meeting, this is where she gets to understand her role in proceedings. And this is a two-hander, remember Frimley?’

‘I’m not exactly Prue’s favourite person.’

‘Precisely.’

‘Good morning madam. Anthony has asked me to send his apologies, but he’ll be a few minutes late, can I get you something to drink?’

‘Well, it has turned eleven, coffee Sparkwell.’

Behind the scenes I loitered, counting to one hundred. ‘Prudence! How were the Chateaus of the Loire?’

‘You didn’t call me here to discuss my honeymoon. This had better be good, I had to leave Rory alone with a constituent in order to be here.’

‘Yes, I imagine it must be quite tricky learning the finer points of the benefits system, the difference between disability this, employment allowance that...’

‘Get to the point.’ At which moment Charlie arrived, placing a tray with one large coffee pot, a cream jug and three cups and saucers on the table. Then she promptly sat down.

‘What’s going on?’

‘Oh, had you not appreciated it, at the wedding? Charlie is now a full member. No more skulking or loitering. And as you so rightly pointed out a while ago, there is nothing she doesn’t do for me, ergo there is nothing she doesn’t know about me.’

‘I see.’

‘What is going on, Prudence, is that at this very moment at least two of those Presidents of the EU who haunt the back corridors of Brussels, are hastily cajoling twenty-seven heads of government. Brexit is off! Our fragrant PM is going to get a temporary stay of execution. You persuaded Rory he was a full-on Brexiteer, he won by six hundred votes. And he will, in all likelihood have to face the electorate again within the year.’

‘What do you want?’

‘Merely that Rory should appreciate what a constituency MP in a representative democracy is. That Brexit, although it has to happen, is ultimately a distraction from his main purpose in life, to win elections.’

‘He’s already thinking of softening his stance to win the floating liberal vote.’

‘Wrong. A Remainer is a Remainer, is a Remainer. He must be seen to stand his ground. Until Brexit happens and is accepted as permanent, the best he can hope for is a majority of two to three thousand. He must declare as soon as possible for Buffy as leader of the once great party.’

‘I loathe that man.’

‘What did he ever do to you?’

‘He grabbed my arse once and asked for a sexual favour.’

‘And what did you do?’

‘Well, I slapped him across the face of course.’

‘A suitable punishment to fit the crime. You’re not a victim, you’re a winner - I’ve told you that many times.’

‘And he tried to upstage my wedding.’

‘That was our next Prime Minster, choosing to attend the wedding of a loyal supporter, who happens to be our MP! Good things will happen. Notice anything different about this place when you arrived?’

‘Yes, half the carpark has been taken over by some construction crew!’

‘Local labour as it happens, here to build the helipad.’

‘What!’

‘Well if you’re going to be regularly hosting the PM, other international statesman, we must be prepared. You’ll be asking me for conference facilities before you know it. And I’ll be under pressure to support the local economy. Not to mention charity work, how many air ambulances is it now? HRH perhaps…’

‘I see some merit in your reasoning.’

‘I’m giving the construction lads free run of the place whilst they’re here, just so the message gets out there that we’re going places.’

‘Alright, you’ve made your point. I suppose they’ll be some ghastly flag pole with an orange sock!’

‘Not a bit of it, there’s a perfectly good flagpole on the roof, and most of the time it’ll be flying Uncle’s coat of arms, that’s if I have anything to do with it.’

‘I said keep us out of politics.’

‘We’re still in the thirty mile an hour zone as it happens. Well I am trying in my own way. In the long term I certainly am. Just trying to take advantage of a rather obvious income stream. Anyway, we have our Easter repose to enjoy now.’

‘And I’m still in uniform.’

‘Well, you could have some fun with that, whilst I inspect the vines.’

‘Goodness! Miss Charlotte er, Sparkwell, you gave me quite a shock, just appearing from nowhere like that.’

‘Gregson.’

‘Your look reminds me of the old days.’

‘But you weren’t here in the old days.’

‘No, but you know what I mean.’

‘So, Mr Gregson, bring me up to speed. Is her ladyship well?’

‘Quite well, she said your stay would be of indeterminate length.’

‘Quite so.’

‘Will you be assisting us with the outside work, perhaps you feel part of the household now?’

‘I shall be returning the woods, I imagine Mr Anthony will confine himself to the walled garden, we shall not impede your commercial activities.’

‘Very well.’

Entering the walled garden I was hit by the sight of a mass of overgrown vines. On closer inspection there seemed to have been some post-harvest winter pruning, but certainly no spring pruning or tying. Clearly, Uncle’s enthusiasm for family history and determination to divert my attention towards the Park development had led him to neglect his responsibilities. I turned on my heels and went back to the house.

‘Hello Gregson.’

‘What news, sir? Are we in or are we out?’

‘Not yet out, is the only answer to that. Still, at least all the law is back inside parliament. Which means you can relax and enjoy things as they are for a few more years.’

‘Yes, but the uncertainty, how will it all end?’

‘In a good old British fudge I should think; more intensive methods to boost basic food stuffs, allowing more set aside to pacify the Greens. But don’t tell my Uncle I said that, he thinks I’m a townie who couldn’t possibly understand.’

‘But what about development, the coast is almost full, they’ll want to creep in land.’

‘Again, I’m not a betting man, but I suspect it will be, let the Greens win on the green belt, relax planning regulations on brown field sites.’

‘I see. Of course in these parts there are lots of old industrial areas that have been abandoned and become sort of green.’

‘That’s just the kind of knowledge we should be keeping to ourselves Gregson. I suppose my helper went off to change her clothes?’

Sometimes the house could feel quite deserted, I wandered until I could follow the sound of voices. I found them all in the big kitchen, waiting to start a late lunch.

‘I’ve been thinking a lot about Transylvania lately.’

My God he’s surpassed himself this time I thought, but with half a second of recovery time I managed. ‘Yes, I haven’t tackled old man Stoker in sometime, correct me if I’m wrong but he never actually made it to the real place did he?’

‘I am talking about the real place you fool!’

‘Er, don’t tell me, your obsession with the woods and the idea of charcoal burners and the lack of knowledge in the UK naturally led you to think of Poland, then you learned just how rapid the modernisation and move off the land has been in the last fifteen years or so, then you read somewhere the only place left to find the European peasant was the Transylvanian Alps and Carpathian mountains of Romania.’

‘How the devil? That’s taken me six months!’

‘Yes, but I don’t know the vital details do I, it’s just the way it had to be. I come out of the walled garden, somewhat annoyed that you’d not done the work on the vines, thinking I suppose he’ll start banging on about charcoal burners again. You mention Transylvania, I join the dots.’

‘Charlotte, how do you live with all this?’

‘I suppose because he can act as well as talk, he’s a smooth operator, he’s taken to roping me into his schemes, just this morning I suspect I’ve unwittingly helped him earn thousands more for the Park in little over an hour without quite understanding how.’

Then Julia intervened. ‘Well you mind how you go. And Reggie, really, why you feel the need to compete with your own nephew is beyond me.’

‘I’ll tell you why, because going up against you youngsters, stops my brain from atrophying and that’s a scientific fact.’

14: Charlie in the great outdoors

'She's handy with that axe!'

‘Yes.’

‘It’s the upper body strength I suppose?’

‘Well, it helps – along with the balance, good coordination, focus; but most of all, she knows how to take instruction!’

‘What?’

‘She understands how to put principles into practice. I told her, rule one; let the tool and gravity do the work.’

‘So, it’s all down to you is it?’ Uncle exclaimed.

‘No, not at all, she’s probably using less energy than you or I would – and we’ve done a bit of it all our lives!’

It was fine enough for lunch outside again. Julia, Charlie and I were well stuck-in before Uncle put in an appearance. ‘I’ve just had the rummy-est of phone calls, in a lifetime time of rummy phone calls.’

‘Oh dear, who was it darling?’

‘Secretary of the Park, said he’d been hanging on for days hoping to sort the thing out himself, but now he felt he just had to tell me everything!’

‘Sounds intriguing.’ I chipped in.

‘You might not think so when I’ve told you! Apparently, the pond got so low about ten days ago everyone could see where there must be some sort of hole. They all had a pow-wow, then he rang the council whilst someone rang a friend who’s a top-notch land surveyor. Council man turns up the next day, spends five minutes on the bank, then says the lads with the red plastic barriers, stripy tape and whichever yellow warning signs are applicable, will be around the following day. Then the obligation would be on us to commission the relevant report from the appropriately certified whoever! Anyway, day after health and safety goes up, matey’s friend turns up, he spends fifteen minutes walking back and forth on the bank, then says his report will be with us in ten days. Some joker says: “Well aren’t you even going to get your wellies out of the four by four?” No, he says it can all be done with an Internet search; Ordnance Survey since, I think he said it was some time in the1860’s when they finally turned up in our neck of woods, the Geological Survey, then for any old works like the house and grounds - whoever has the old County Records Office archive. Onward and upward, all the way to the present day. The ten days are up tomorrow, which is why the Sec’s got the willies.’

Uncle stopped, there was a very long pause, none of us had anything to say. Then turning to me: ‘Well, should we go over tomorrow?’

‘We!’ I exclaimed.

‘Yes, I need a bagman on these occasions, you know just the moment to hand me a note with the right kind of wrong question written on it!’

‘My advice would be to sit back, chill-out and let your employees handle it.’

‘Would it, would it indeed. I’ll be the one picking up the bill if it’s serious, which I suspect it is, because it has never even dried up before - I know because I used to visit as a child when my distant relative owned it. You’re looking very cool about this Tony, whilst Charlotte’s doing a lot of face-touching! Now you can poker-face Julia and me, always could, but you can’t her - which I suppose is why you two are together in the first place.’

Then Julia came in, bang on cue: ‘You shouldn’t have given your Uncle that body language book by the ex-FBI chap, reads it more often than he cares to admit.’

‘Well Charlotte, what do you know about all this?’

‘You shouldn’t ask!’

‘I know I shouldn’t, but he dropped hints about this weeks ago, intended to be helpful, yet I don’t know.’

‘He holds a pretty a strong hand.’

‘Does he? Thank you for that. Your girl’s starting to talk, you should be mad as hell by now, yet you sit there...’

‘Reggie! That’s enough. You know perfectly well Tony will intervene when necessary, if necessary, if our welfare is concerned.’

‘Slippery bugger though.’

Then I couldn’t resist: ‘It’ll take them ages to work out what the report means anyway, and whether or not there are any serious implications at all! Perhaps one wheelbarrow of quick drying concrete around the hole will do it.’

‘Oh, do shut up Tony!’ said Charlie.

‘Hey ho, fiddly dee, life is but a dream,’ she almost sang, as we siesta-ed at her makeshift encampment in the woods. ‘Is it fair, scheming, when it’s your own family?’

‘It worked perfectly.’

‘How?’

‘You only missed one thing, the layout of the table. I was sat opposite Julia, who knows me better than anyone. You were sat opposite Uncle. But physically, Uncle and I were sat closest. Staring straight into someone’s eyes, is ultimately oppositional, not cooperative! Besides, Uncle will like you even more now, you gave him something, when he was expecting nothing.’

‘Ah, Miss Charlotte, the very person…’

‘Mr Gregson.’

‘Oh, Bob please, we’re all getting to know you now. I was wondering if you could help me with something, you know all about alternative this, and alternative that. It’s the old, old problem I’m afraid, what counts as organic? What the EU thinks it is, is never what us ordinary mortals think, is it! I’m told you know France… well then, you’ll understand how French wine somehow managed to write the rulebook on what the EU considers organic, dragged their feet for eight years if memory serves…’

‘I really don’t know anything about rules and regulations Mr Greg, eh Bob!’

‘The thing is they managed to get sulphur included within the definition of organic, well I suppose they had to, nasty stuff to work with, but takes some people worse than others…’

‘Oh! I see, you want me to spray the vines?’

‘You’d go down well with his Lordship.’

‘I’ll decide who goes down well Gregson, you can call me Sparkwell.’

It was at breakfast the following day that everything got kicked into touch for the interim. The telephone rang and Uncle was forced to leave his toast to get cold.

‘There’s really no need for you to go to all this trouble Charlotte.’ Our hostess asserted.

‘I don’t mind, I was awake early.’

‘There’s something different about you today, very neat. Very stylish you understand, but what with your excellent posture, you don’t half look like you’re butler-ing my dear, quite reminds me of the old days.’

‘I am in Mr Anthony’s employ madam.’

‘Tony! No, on second thoughts I don’t want to know. I’m not Elisabeth, I have no interest whatsoever in your private life, if you two have got some, sub/dom thing going, good luck to you.’

‘But it works! In public, we’ve crash-tested it several times in big hotel lobbies. Well you know yourself; you’ve complained about it when visiting friends, being interrupted all the time by PAs, personal trainers fusing about, paying to have their personal crimpers come to the house.’

‘I cut Reggie’s hair myself.’

‘Exactly. And when you watch them you can see they’re all trying to work out when they should be walking two steps behind... whilst Charlie can move from skulking to loitering to hovering like a hot knife through butter.’

‘Disaster! The whole thing,’ interrupted Uncle coming in from the hallway.

‘Whatever’s happened?’

‘6am on the dot, email attachment, nearly forty pages; he hasn’t got beyond the first item in the summary, says it all, easy to fix - but it’s not ours to sodding fix!’

12: Sparkwell's ecotherapy

‘Tony, I’m worried about your aunt, that magazine of hers is driving her potty, it’s never made any money and never likely to. Sells mostly to Townies anyway, never ending articles squabbling about how come the country isn’t more like the city, or why you need new technology in order to be Green, never read such nonsense in my life.’

‘Yes, but surely she’s not involved in the day to day running of it, let alone the journalism, she’s just the founder and owner, she just has to make sure it doesn’t actually lose money and drop you in it.’

‘But that’s just the point, she can’t help getting involved, I tell her to delegate. You don’t see me telling Gregson how to plant potatoes.’

‘Well quite.’ We were propping up the bar at the Park, prior to Uncle’s annual inspection of his investment, and the giving of his nod to the accounts.

‘What would you do with “The Countrywoman”?’

‘The only thing I know about magazine publishing is that you don’t actual need a large or growing circulation, just low production costs. Ever wondered why in the age of the Internet the supermarket magazine racks have even more titles than ever before? It’s a few years back now, but there was a time not so long ago when you only needed sales of about thirty thousand.’

‘Fascinating. You always are a mine of information. Julia thinks you’ve made quite a bit on the side. Is that true?’

‘You’re a one for plain speaking.’

‘Don’t flatter me, I need an answer.’

‘I’ve been lucky, twice. Good timing. Sold a couple of Start-ups, put the money in the family trust which has very tight rules about safe investments. So, despite what my Aunt, Elisabeth Hayward may believe, she and I, and Charlotte come to that, won’t starve.’

‘Good lad. Now then, one of the ground staff was telling me a few minutes ago he’s worried the pond is drying up.’

‘Really.’

‘Seems despite the heavy rain this year, the level keeps falling, the Lord knows what one does about that, always was rather a feature of the place, totally artificial of course and somewhat diminutive, but nonetheless?’

‘I wonder if the committee has asked itself what the rock this estate sits on is made of?’

‘Don’t imagine they’ve ever given it a thought.’

‘Perhaps it’s the same stuff as this floor, didn’t this used to be part of the original terrace, open to the elements?’

‘Julia said she enjoyed that Tea you laid on, said it was a hoot. Better toddle off to that meeting I suppose, back here in an hour?’

On his way out, Uncle passed Sparkwell on her way in. Rather too loudly he said; ‘That employer of your's is a rogue, a rogue gentleman.’

‘I’m working on that, sir.’

‘Good.’

She drew up alongside. ‘Your Uncle just winked at me. What have you been saying to him?’

‘You don’t wanna know.’

‘Okay. I’ve just been insinuating myself at the spa.’

‘Excellent. I wondered why you’d stayed in your fitness trainer’s uniform today. What have you learnt?’

‘Plenty of members ask for a happy ending, but none of them get it.’

‘Well that’s a relief.’

‘Aromatherapy is a bit off.’

‘Really?’

‘Well it’s a small point, but one day it might be a health and safety issue, they use too higher concentration of oils, toxic if ingested or if too much gets absorbed. I know why they do, it’s because modern human’s consciousness of smell is fucked. It doesn’t have to be that way, you know that, after all you love having your tongue in me all the time.’

‘Yeah, but genital secretions during arousal, for want of a better phrase, are about individual genetic compatibility. Smells that trigger relaxation must have to be almost universal to be a practical therapy.’

‘And the treatment only fails if you make stupid claims for it. It is just the smell. The smell is the trigger for some unknown reaction in the brain, that’s all it is. Get the right smell in the toiletries, the background ambience, and you don’t even need special sessions. Can you take me for a walk in the woods or something?’

‘Sure, let’s go.’

‘Satisfied?’

‘For now.’

‘One day we’ll be caught, we’re barely off the path.’

‘Anywhere will do, as long as I have a tree to lean on. Don’t you think the yoga is making you more flexible?’

‘Sure, keeps me more focused too.’

‘Look! That rumour about the lake must be true. See, there’s definitely less of it.’

‘So there is. Of course, it’s when they find the hole and try to plug it that the fun will really start.’

‘You really are an utter bastard aren’t you?’

‘Occasionally, maybe.’

‘Your Uncle meant rogue as in rogue elephant, didn’t he?’

‘Well that was un-expectantly pleasant, if I’ve read these figures right I’ve now passed the point of getting my investment back from a decade ago, and even have a couple of grand in pure profit coming to me this year.’

‘Congratulations. What do your fellow investors think?’

‘Oh they never stop nit-picking, quite amusing to watch really, they think the way we’ve set up as an old fashioned club is stopping them from maximising their returns. You know the way these corporate suits talk is a lot like the civil servants from Whitehall or Brussels. No wonder they’re all Remoaners, its vested interests. They don’t like your lot either, seems they still can’t buy their way into controlling what happens online.’

‘Long may it last. Shall we take tea?’

‘Just as you like.’

Uncle, Charlotte and I sat together. Then Cat turned up rather breathlessly and asked to join us. ‘I’ve just been to see Tuffy, looks like death but they say he’s on the mend. He on the other hand is terrified of being delivered into the hands of the Dolby Clinic, can’t say I blame him. His parting words were; “Tell Tony to get me out of here before that woman gets to me”.’

‘Can’t be done old boy, he can’t be sprung until he’s actually at Dolby’s.’

‘Too much security you mean?’

‘No. Physical methods won’t work anyway. Any unit can be made secure in a matter of moments these days. What a unit is, or does is determined by the qualifications of the staff that are present at any moment in time. Psychological methods are better and faster - those who wanted him in, have to want him out, they themselves then fix the paperwork and facilitate his departure for us.’

‘This was always the way it was at school Charlie, Tony would work things out then duffers like Tuffy and me would spring into action. So, what’s next Tony?’

‘Simple, two people have to rapidly come to the conclusion that the most therapeutic place for Tuffy is to be tucked up in bed at home with an improving book - to wit, his mother and Dame Alicia.’

‘How on earth do we fix that?’

‘Dame Alicia must realise on day one, assessment day as it were, that letting Tuffy in is the worst mistake she could have made, threatening the whole future of her empire, but of course she’s done it at the bidding of Mrs Tufnell; she will then need to engineer a miraculous recovery, discover a misdiagnosis or whatever, and deliver him back to mother in triumph.’

‘Why would she do that?’

‘Strangely enough, the same reason she did the initial, so called favour.’

‘Burning eh, now that’s a double-edged sword Tony.’ Uncle was suddenly animated. ‘People become unpredictable, get the hump, stand on principle sometimes, decide to go down with the sinking ship if they think the world’s gotten to know their secret, get irrational.’

‘I’m thinking she just needs reminding how close to the fire she is actually sitting. Strange how the more unsullied a reputation people pursue, the more vulnerable they make themselves, don’t you think? Thanks for your enthusiasm Cat, but you can tell Tuffy I shall be handling his case alone, all you need to do is reassure him he’ll spend no more than one night at Dolby’s, perhaps not even that. Now then, how’s the Games Room coming along, I’m sure we’d all appreciate a guided tour...’