12: Sparkwell's ecotherapy

‘Tony, I’m worried about your aunt, that magazine of hers is driving her potty, it’s never made any money and never likely to. Sells mostly to Townies anyway, never ending articles squabbling about how come the country isn’t more like the city, or why you need new technology in order to be Green, never read such nonsense in my life.’

‘Yes, but surely she’s not involved in the day to day running of it, let alone the journalism, she’s just the founder and owner, she just has to make sure it doesn’t actually lose money and drop you in it.’

‘But that’s just the point, she can’t help getting involved, I tell her to delegate. You don’t see me telling Gregson how to plant potatoes.’

‘Well quite.’ We were propping up the bar at the Park, prior to Uncle’s annual inspection of his investment, and the giving of his nod to the accounts.

‘What would you do with “The Countrywoman”?’

‘The only thing I know about magazine publishing is that you don’t actual need a large or growing circulation, just low production costs. Ever wondered why in the age of the Internet the supermarket magazine racks have even more titles than ever before? It’s a few years back now, but there was a time not so long ago when you only needed sales of about thirty thousand.’

‘Fascinating. You always are a mine of information. Julia thinks you’ve made quite a bit on the side. Is that true?’

‘You’re a one for plain speaking.’

‘Don’t flatter me, I need an answer.’

‘I’ve been lucky, twice. Good timing. Sold a couple of Start-ups, put the money in the family trust which has very tight rules about safe investments. So, despite what my Aunt, Elisabeth Hayward may believe, she and I, and Charlotte come to that, won’t starve.’

‘Good lad. Now then, one of the ground staff was telling me a few minutes ago he’s worried the pond is drying up.’

‘Really.’

‘Seems despite the heavy rain this year, the level keeps falling, the Lord knows what one does about that, always was rather a feature of the place, totally artificial of course and somewhat diminutive, but nonetheless?’

‘I wonder if the committee has asked itself what the rock this estate sits on is made of?’

‘Don’t imagine they’ve ever given it a thought.’

‘Perhaps it’s the same stuff as this floor, didn’t this used to be part of the original terrace, open to the elements?’

‘Julia said she enjoyed that Tea you laid on, said it was a hoot. Better toddle off to that meeting I suppose, back here in an hour?’

On his way out, Uncle passed Sparkwell on her way in. Rather too loudly he said; ‘That employer of your's is a rogue, a rogue gentleman.’

‘I’m working on that, sir.’

‘Good.’

She drew up alongside. ‘Your Uncle just winked at me. What have you been saying to him?’

‘You don’t wanna know.’

‘Okay. I’ve just been insinuating myself at the spa.’

‘Excellent. I wondered why you’d stayed in your fitness trainer’s uniform today. What have you learnt?’

‘Plenty of members ask for a happy ending, but none of them get it.’

‘Well that’s a relief.’

‘Aromatherapy is a bit off.’

‘Really?’

‘Well it’s a small point, but one day it might be a health and safety issue, they use too higher concentration of oils, toxic if ingested or if too much gets absorbed. I know why they do, it’s because modern human’s consciousness of smell is fucked. It doesn’t have to be that way, you know that, after all you love having your tongue in me all the time.’

‘Yeah, but genital secretions during arousal, for want of a better phrase, are about individual genetic compatibility. Smells that trigger relaxation must have to be almost universal to be a practical therapy.’

‘And the treatment only fails if you make stupid claims for it. It is just the smell. The smell is the trigger for some unknown reaction in the brain, that’s all it is. Get the right smell in the toiletries, the background ambience, and you don’t even need special sessions. Can you take me for a walk in the woods or something?’

‘Sure, let’s go.’

‘Satisfied?’

‘For now.’

‘One day we’ll be caught, we’re barely off the path.’

‘Anywhere will do, as long as I have a tree to lean on. Don’t you think the yoga is making you more flexible?’

‘Sure, keeps me more focused too.’

‘Look! That rumour about the lake must be true. See, there’s definitely less of it.’

‘So there is. Of course, it’s when they find the hole and try to plug it that the fun will really start.’

‘You really are an utter bastard aren’t you?’

‘Occasionally, maybe.’

‘Your Uncle meant rogue as in rogue elephant, didn’t he?’

‘Well that was un-expectantly pleasant, if I’ve read these figures right I’ve now passed the point of getting my investment back from a decade ago, and even have a couple of grand in pure profit coming to me this year.’

‘Congratulations. What do your fellow investors think?’

‘Oh they never stop nit-picking, quite amusing to watch really, they think the way we’ve set up as an old fashioned club is stopping them from maximising their returns. You know the way these corporate suits talk is a lot like the civil servants from Whitehall or Brussels. No wonder they’re all Remoaners, its vested interests. They don’t like your lot either, seems they still can’t buy their way into controlling what happens online.’

‘Long may it last. Shall we take tea?’

‘Just as you like.’

Uncle, Charlotte and I sat together. Then Cat turned up rather breathlessly and asked to join us. ‘I’ve just been to see Tuffy, looks like death but they say he’s on the mend. He on the other hand is terrified of being delivered into the hands of the Dolby Clinic, can’t say I blame him. His parting words were; “Tell Tony to get me out of here before that woman gets to me”.’

‘Can’t be done old boy, he can’t be sprung until he’s actually at Dolby’s.’

‘Too much security you mean?’

‘No. Physical methods won’t work anyway. Any unit can be made secure in a matter of moments these days. What a unit is, or does is determined by the qualifications of the staff that are present at any moment in time. Psychological methods are better and faster - those who wanted him in, have to want him out, they themselves then fix the paperwork and facilitate his departure for us.’

‘This was always the way it was at school Charlie, Tony would work things out then duffers like Tuffy and me would spring into action. So, what’s next Tony?’

‘Simple, two people have to rapidly come to the conclusion that the most therapeutic place for Tuffy is to be tucked up in bed at home with an improving book - to wit, his mother and Dame Alicia.’

‘How on earth do we fix that?’

‘Dame Alicia must realise on day one, assessment day as it were, that letting Tuffy in is the worst mistake she could have made, threatening the whole future of her empire, but of course she’s done it at the bidding of Mrs Tufnell; she will then need to engineer a miraculous recovery, discover a misdiagnosis or whatever, and deliver him back to mother in triumph.’

‘Why would she do that?’

‘Strangely enough, the same reason she did the initial, so called favour.’

‘Burning eh, now that’s a double-edged sword Tony.’ Uncle was suddenly animated. ‘People become unpredictable, get the hump, stand on principle sometimes, decide to go down with the sinking ship if they think the world’s gotten to know their secret, get irrational.’

‘I’m thinking she just needs reminding how close to the fire she is actually sitting. Strange how the more unsullied a reputation people pursue, the more vulnerable they make themselves, don’t you think? Thanks for your enthusiasm Cat, but you can tell Tuffy I shall be handling his case alone, all you need to do is reassure him he’ll spend no more than one night at Dolby’s, perhaps not even that. Now then, how’s the Games Room coming along, I’m sure we’d all appreciate a guided tour...’