41: Sparkwell and the fourth estate

‘Your arch enemy is in all sorts of trouble.’ So said Charlie whilst reading our great nation’s leading scandal sheet on her tablet. ‘Are we pleased?’

‘Buffy is probably just beginning to enjoy himself.’

‘Really?’

‘Yes, he delights in thinking up ways of doing the opposite of what people expect, of disorientating them before going on the attack. Journalists, as well as the opposition, should always think twice before telling him there is something he can’t do.’

‘Sounds like he has ongoing authority issues.’

‘I say! There’s no call for that kind of language.’

En route to the Park, with Charlie as usual taking the wheel, I found myself ruminating on past times. ‘At our school it was a tradition, given the extensive private grounds, to give boys the opportunity to learn to drive at a ridiculously young age. However, the quid pro quo for all this, was that the Car…’

‘You don’t have to explain, I know, we had one at Beaconsfield, I was the only girl in our year’s team. We had a Moggy Minor, what did you have?’

‘A Triumph Vitesse.’

‘No way! Not a chance. I know what that is, I’ve seen under the bonnet. This is some kind of a cheat done for the posh boy’s school…’

‘Just, just... Hang on a minute. How it was done, is the whole point of the story.’

‘This had better be good.’

‘Now, originally, back in the nineteen thirties there had been an old Model T that started the tradition. It, as we know, was designed in such a way that a mechanically minded farmer stuck out in the Mid-west could do any kind of repair, ordering parts via the Sear’s catalogue or whatever! Then during the war, they moved up to a baby Austin. Post-war the school gets more ambitious, there was a Moggy at one time, a half-timbered traveller I believe…’

‘It would be.’

‘Before moving on to Minis. But by the early-eighties, the whole self-reliance, team working point of the exercise was rapidly losing relevance. Now it so happens, a new young master turns up who drives a low mileage Vitesse and parks in a carpark stuffed with Jaguars and the occasional Aston. But they are two-a-penny to the boys who have grown up with them all their lives. The new master says why not make it all about vintage, tradition etc. And offers his car, because he’s about to get one of the last TR7s - a decision he regretted for the rest of his life I think.’

‘What colour was it?’

‘Canary yellow.’

‘Not the fucking TR7...’

‘Oh, green, soft-top with red upholstery, quite close to a Great Western locomotive, Brunswick Green.’

‘Carry on.’

By this time, we had arrived and parked. ‘So, when we all arrived and started to absorb the legend, the old stable yard garage had a pit, benches down each side and a hand operated lift from an overhead joist. Our man had accumulated spares and a proper workshop manual, secondhand from a real garage - a ring binder thingy with added notes, drawings etc by real mechanics. Time passes and it becomes our turn for the Vitesse Challenge planned to last for twelve half-days, naturally competition is stiff for places, Gruber, MacIntosh and I are the core of it, but on the day, low and behold Buffy turns up, we all say “what the fuck”, after all he was already well into his Brideshead phase and didn’t know a torque wrench from a toffee apple…’

‘Nothing wrong with Evelyn Waugh.’

‘Sure, Sword of Honour and all that, but at fifteen - starting every sentence with; “My dears”, it’s a bit much.’

‘Are you seriously suggesting you stripped the entire car and put it back together?’

‘All right, but it was a damn good course with supervision; wheels, brakes, shock absorbers, electrics, the high point was to have the engine out at shoulder height, have the ritual celebration, then put the previous hours’ worth of reverse engineering into reverse, whilst we could still remember what we’d done. But my point is, Buffy…’

‘Yes, well, the whole point is to get lost, to have to share ideas, panic, tinker with parts that can tolerate a bit of tinkering. I’m not sure all that qualifies.’

‘But my point is - there really is a lot of tom boy, jolie-laide in you - Buffy, despite lounging and disporting himself all over the place the whole time, turned out to be some real use in the end. He’d started developing this thing, a leadership style I suppose, of staring intently at what’s going on, then saying once in a while; “Cat should be doing that”, or “Barmy’s best for that”. More often than not he was right. He really is the living embodiment of; “I don’t know, but I know a man who does”.’

‘Look out!’

Cat MacIntosh was heading across the carpark. ‘Are you two coming in? There’s a bit of a flap on as it happens.’

‘Oh yes.’

‘Just come out of the membership committee. For the first time in ages, we are unresolved. No one forced a vote or anything, but no one really knows the guy, obviously one knows where he works, but even what he actually does is a bit of a mystery.’

‘To whom are you referring?’

‘A chap who goes by the name of Don Wooley.’

‘No! Really?’ So said Charlie with one of her smirks.

‘Never heard of him.’

‘He’s a journalist, works for that paper you delight in calling my scandal sheet. He’s an Aussie bruiser, but really rather camp with it. His by-line often has Executive Editor added, but I don’t know what that means.’

‘This is one of those situations Tony.’

‘Yes, it is.’

‘What situations?’

‘Rare, but real. Where we, are stuck in our own world. We need you Charlie. What do we do?’

‘Isn’t it obvious?’

‘No! So okay, we know we’re talking to the right person, now help us out.’

‘Talk, to your arch enemy, he didn’t get where he is without help.’

‘Thank you, understood. Time for a little light lunch I think.’

I found a quiet spot alone in the grounds and phoned Carrie. ‘Tony darling! How are things?’

‘Fine, excellent in fact, yourself?’

‘Oh, baring up with the best of Christian fortitude I suppose, he’s got me practicing a sort of low key first lady act, just to keep me occupied until an election date is known. What’s your problem?’

‘I need a couple of minutes chat with Buffy on a non-official, private matter.’

‘Ah, well you may be in luck, he’s here with me in the flat, changing for an early run, God knows where they’ll take him today, I’ll pass this phone over.’

After a ten second mute; ‘Anthony, good news or bad?’

‘Information required, name of Don Wooley - never heard of him until ten minutes ago.’

‘You should have.’

‘That’s why it’s you I’m bothering.’

‘Aussie journo, works for our journal of record. Has a sort of strategic brief, outsider who can see the big picture, understands the changing readership, tell them when they’re missing the target. Quite fun to read too.’

‘That explains why he’s read by my Valette then.’

‘Ha! Love it. Next question.’

‘You know she spotted Frimley at Aberdeen, half a second of video with his back to the camera.’

‘Bloody hell! Still, we got away with it. He reckons we’ll lose in court though.’

‘Then rise above it, explain nothing, question their right to judge.’

‘Goodbye Anthony.’

‘Well?’ Charlie asked as I returned to the veranda bar.

‘I managed to get hold of him, he obliged, gave a short description of what your man is.’

‘What does he recommend?’

‘He, doesn’t recommend anything, anyway the conversation never happened. If formally asked by the committee for my opinion, I shall give my opinion.’

‘Wait here, I’ll see if they want a post-lunch recommencement.’ So said Cat before scurrying off.

‘So? What will you recommend?’

‘Let the bugger in!’

40: Summer wine

Late August, the smell of autumn in the early morning air, the return of Orion. I was at Checkley Manor, as had been my habit for some years, along with Charlie who was enjoying her second summer in the woods. But today would be different, we were scheduled to do a run into town on various errands, the principal one being the grand opening of Lady Victoria’s new picture gallery. However, our departure was somewhat delayed when, with a mouthful of toast, Charlie suddenly jumped up and declared; ‘That’s Frimley!’

She was pointing at the tv which sat in one corner of the big kitchen with its sound turned down - an old vacuum tube colour set that simply refused to die. After some confusion I was despatched to find an enhance-able digital version.

It appeared that breakfast television had gone live to Aberdeen International Airport, to a member of the press pack that camps out there on the concourse every year during the months of August and September, hoping to spot arrivals and departures, to and from Balmoral Castle. Two privy councillors had been spotted, there to ask permission, it was presumed, for parliament to be on holiday too - and, but one pace behind them appeared, momentarily, the one and only.

‘Ah yes, the tall chap with specs, I remember Coates, that’s his rear view is it?’ Said Uncle. ‘What the devil would he be bag-carrying for the government for?’

‘Special Advisor to the PM on constitutional matters, he is, no less, this countries’ leading parliamentary nerd.’

‘Can’t think why he’s there, he’ll be stuck in the servant’s hall with a cup of tea, the monarch meets alone with her council.’

‘Really?’

‘Oh yes, no notes taken, no nothing. Strictly speaking, that weekly audience with the PM is a meeting of the council too, the privy is but one room away from the bedchamber, remember.’

‘Amazing. So, if Her Madge, says that in the year nineteen thirty whenever, her father sent Chamberlain away for having the temerity to suggest something unprecedented, Frimley can’t jump up and say, but surely Ma’am in eighteen forty-seven etc.’

‘Precisely. You know my great grandfather, was once made to stand for four hours in full dress uniform when he was an equerry to…’

‘There ought to be a written constitution,’ asserted Charlie.

‘There is!’ Replied Uncle. ‘It’s there in every single document of the court, every decision, every time a subject of the realm has exerted their common law right to seek redress from the Crown since Runnymede.’

‘Good Lord, is that the time, we should be making a move…’

‘So, what was Frimley doing there?’ Asked Charlie as she steered us back to the coast.

‘No doubt in his mind it’s the ultimate Awayday! Of course, there is always the possibility that at this very moment he and his political masters are lost in the mist, having been told by a flunkey that She Who Must Be Obeyed is holed up in an ancient bothy with the dogs and whoever is her version of John Brown.’

‘Why would she do that?’

‘Well, apart from the fact it’s a more pleasant way of spending the morning than talking to politicians, if you’re in a position of power then absenting yourself can be an effective way of getting the decision you want by default. Uncle does it all the time, ask Gregson.’

‘That man has delusions of grandeur.’

‘I’m sure you’re right. But what does that make me?’

‘Oh, you’re just an upstart!’

‘Do you mind if we hang back and loiter for a few minutes, just observe a bit?’ I asked.

‘Okay.’

We were on the opposite side of the street from the gallery, itself a conversion of two adjoining shops, on that side of the harbour now given over to a marina for pleasure craft, whilst the fishing industry was confined to the other side. ‘I just want to get the lay of the land, the inside is still a bit in shadow despite all those spotlights.’

‘But they won’t have any trouble seeing us!’

‘That’s okay, we have all the time in the world, they need us more than we need them.’

‘That’s a pretty pompous thing to say.’

‘It’s a networking event, these openings always are - and people want to be seen. Vic won’t be happy until several local press photographers have snapped the cognoscente. We may not be the richest present or indeed the greatest art lovers, but we are chic, and we are the zeitgeist!

‘Oh, for goodness sake.’ And after a pause; ‘Are there really people richer than you in this town?’

‘Of course, you’ve met one or two at the club. Not to mention those with some of the bigger yachts behind us.’

‘Which one is this Lady Victoria then?’

‘The tall one, as skinny as a mannequin, with the dress that flows when she moves. Looks like she was once something in the ballet.’

‘She didn’t used to be one of yours?’

‘Er no, not my type. The traditional ballet look I mean, she’s not your more modern super athletic, all skin and muscle Darcey type.’

‘And it’s the muscles that get you all hot and bothered, as we know. Reminds me, I need to work more on my core.’

‘Hello, something’s happening.’ A couple were just approaching the doorway.

‘Hey, you were right. He’s practically touching his forelock. Who are they?’

‘No idea. Besides, you’re the one who should be learning to put a name to every face.’

‘What’s he wearing?’

‘Looks like some kind of ancient frock coat. Come on, let’s get stuck in.’

After twenty minutes of polite hand shacking chit chat and a glass of terribly hygienic Australian chardonnay, I finally got a chance to look at the pic-tures. ‘Tuffy!’

‘Yes, sir. May I be of assistance?’

‘I’m getting seriously worried about you Tuffy. What on earth is your father’s collection of Victorian seascapes doing here?’

‘Temporary loan old man, help the new venture along don’t you know.’

‘They’re not in the sale then?’

‘Well, I suppose Mother might accept an offer on one or two of them.’

‘Ah, well, that’s all right then. I thought for a moment I was going to have to organise a heist in the dead of night on her behalf. So, what hangs on her grand-ish staircase now?’

‘Well, nothing, just for a mouth or two.’

‘Tuffy, I’ve been entranced by these pictures since I was no higher than the banisters themselves. That’s positively cruel.’

‘Mrs Tufnell has been terribly sweet about the whole idea.’ Said a female voice from behind.

‘She’s terribly sweet about everything! Vic, I’ve just decided, I’m giving you your first big success as a dealer. Hear and now, before witnesses, I want first refusal on all seventeen of them. What’s more I’ll give them all back on permanent loan during her lifetime. Well, Tuffy? Promise me, you’ll tell me immediately if there’s any prospect of any one of them going anywhere.’

‘Of course, old chap. How do you know there are seventeen?’

‘I despair. Because, if you include the landing as one, there are seventeen sodding steps to your bedroom!’

‘Good lord, really?’

‘Now then Tony,’ Lady Victoria said, taking me by the arm; ‘You must take a look at these Metroland garden pictures from the forties…’

A week or so later when we returned to the apartment, there was a parcel amongst the half a dozen or so letters. Charlie hovered expectantly. ‘Well bless my soul, who’d have thought. Life is full of joy, and sorrow at the same time.’

‘What is it?’

‘A gift, from Tuffy’s mother, I really don’t deserve it. The note says, “you’re the person I know will value it the most.” It’s Tuffy’s father’s first edition of the nineteen thirty, complete Sherlock Holmes.’

‘Oh my God of course! So, he accidental bought a house with…’

‘Well, not really, the Victorians standardised a lot of stuff, that was a large part of their success. And of course, Tuffy’s father introduced the both of us to the stories.’

‘That must have been where it all started, you absorbing everything and Tuffy…’

‘It really doesn’t bare analysis.’

‘What does “the neo-deconceptualists” mean?’

‘I didn’t mean you had to change the subject completely!’

‘No really, I need to know.’

‘Don’t tell me, the other day some chap sidled up to you whilst you were looking quizzically at one of the pictures and said something like, “difficult to admire the neo-deconceptualists, wouldn’t you say?”’

‘How did you know?’

‘Well, it’s the sort of line I’d use if I were trying to pick you up. But no, it’s sort of an in joke. Think about de-concept, well that must mean ending up with no concept, no process, no thought at all really, then the neo bit is really just, a double dose of nothingness, second generation or another layer of nothingness piled on top.’

‘You and I both know we’re looking at crap with a thousand-pound price tag.’

‘Exactly. But we’re keeping quiet about, because life’s more fun that way; never give a sucker an even break - whether they’re the so-called artist or the collector.’

39: The flying visit

‘You have my permission to stop, that’s the third time your device has pinged.’

‘Not when I’m just getting into my work!’ We’d left the door of the treatment room ajar. It was an hour later that I finally checked my mobile device. There were three texts from Prudence, each purporting to be more urgent than the previous. Leaving Charlie at rest, I decided to call Prudence. ‘Yes, yes, I see ..and you’re going along with it? I see. Umm. Well I see no reason in principal, tell me, when is this all meant to happen? Tomorrow! Charlie!’

‘Sir?’

‘Good Lord, there you are. I’ll call you back in thirty minutes Prudence.’

‘So?’

‘Buffy, our new PM, not ten days into the job, wants a working breakfast at the Park tomorrow.’

‘Well what’s wrong with the silly tart just bothering the Secretary!’

‘I say! I’ve never heard another woman, call a woman a silly tart before. I thought that was a term of endearment reserved for us chaps?’

‘Oh shut-up!’

‘Actually, she’s already done that, he said fine and that he’d put a reserved sign on a couple of the larger tables. Prue, doesn’t think he appreciates the situation and wants me to exert oversight - from 6,00am when the first chopper arrives with advanced security. Apparently they’ll all want hot coffee and doughnuts whilst they liaise with the local constabulary, the Chief Constable herself will be taking full operational control. But that’s by the by, what Prue really means is there needs to be someone there from the Park who knows how Buffy operates, someone who knows what Buffy’s idea of a working breakfast is! We shall comply, pack an overnight bag, now - if you would be so kind.’

‘What’s it got to do with me? And why tonight?’

‘Because there is money to be made.’

‘How?’

‘By keeping Buffy’s chopper on the ground as long as possible. I am hoping you will disarm everyone with your famous feminine charm - the magician requires the distraction of an alluring assistant.’

‘What, whilst you piss in the helicopter’s fuel tank!’

‘Metaphorically speaking, yes.’

After one short conversation with the Sec - intended to keep him in the dark as much as possible - need to know and all that, and after briefly reassuring Prue that I’d be prudent, we were on the road.

‘The thing is, Buffy’s idea of a working breakfast is him tucking in and barking orders between mouthfuls, better not to sit directly opposite him on these occasions.’

‘But you said he’d chided you about self-discipline, diet, exercise - needing me.’

‘Chided. I like that word. You must use it more often. Yes, Buffy has an abiding love of the full English and has had it built into his regime since university, when he added it to his school practice of an afternoon run. It’s his one hot meal of the day. I think he must have caught the habit after staying in a few old-fashioned hotels where you could order the full works, then later ask the waiter for extra toast or pinch it from your companions.’

‘Does it work?’

‘Not noticeably, but it’s the absolute belief in its efficacy that counts I suppose.’

‘Or he could just be a cheap-skate.’

‘That too.’

We rose at 5,00am the following morning to do our prep, mainly rearranging furniture according to my understanding of proxemics and Charlie’s instincts. Then, in full dress uniform, she systematically herded the police, the security detail and finally the camp followers who arrived with Buffy himself. 

‘Good morning Prime Minister.’

‘Ah, Anthony, you here.’

‘Well, someone has to keep an eye on the silver, all original you know, Uncle’s crest emblazoned all over it.’

‘You forget, someone had me blackballed from that varsity dining club you all belonged to, the one where you had to pinch something to get elected.’

‘Oh yes! Happy days. How’s Carrie?’

‘You know I think she may be losing her touch, at the advance election planning meeting, she told the assembled company that if I gave her a baby and a pet dog, she could swing a dozen marginals on her own!’

‘What did the Mr Cummings and the Mr Gowing make of that?’

‘Oh, they just nodded sagely, they think she’s a bloody oracle.’

‘Well, I’ve always admired her ability to make stuff happen.’

‘Since you’re here, we plan on doing all our own media, freeze the bastards out, I’ve told people to consult you about that.’

‘Thanks very much! Ad hoc mind you, voluntary only. Contact direct. Just, no one else in the loop okay.’

‘Nice of you to clear the place out.’

‘My able assistant can do her maître d’hôtel act all day if required. So the harbour, then the hospital. Since when have you been interested in fish?’

‘Other way around, Rory and I can’t serve lunch on the ward in a plastic piny if we’re stinking of fish!’

‘Gosh, the things one has to know in your line of work.’

‘I want you in the group photo on the fish quay. Prominent local businessmen introduced to PM by local MP - and no we don’t remember each other from school and Uni.’

‘Okay, just don’t expect me to expound on fishery policy and international maritime law. Strictly speaking of course, I’m a member of the opposition and not the only one within these walls.’

‘Ha! Rat fucking.’

‘We’re both far too young, merely a legend.’

‘Word to the wise, they’ve closed that loophole in the rules and are now a little more tech savvy, so put the word around that when the annual reminder drops through the door, everyone quietly ignores it.’

‘Now then, here’s the bill for unfettered use of the Park until 6,00pm.’

‘Bloody hell!’

‘Sorry, you don’t get the twenty per cent discount until next time. Oh, and whilst we’re about it, if you want conference facilities, that is, the ballroom and the two adjoining withdrawing rooms, we’ll need a couple of weeks’ notice, we haven’t actually acquired the mobile, flat-packed TED style kit yet.’

‘You’re presuming a lot.’

‘Am I? You like cosy and discrete as much as I do. I grant you we’re never likely to be up to a G7 or a NATO summit.’

‘You might be surprised.’

‘But this year’s NATO will surely be a grand affair, seventy years and all that, you could actually hold it on board HMS Queen Elisabeth.’

‘You’d never get to the top in politics. No, no, that’ll all be very low key, all that happens at a cheap hotel conference place just off the M25, I’ve used it before. Our American cousins can wander in dazed and confused, then wander out again. Nobody, but nobody gets within a hundred miles of Portsmouth. Strictly royal standard bearers only for those two beauties.’

‘Anyway, I shall leave you now, before the other egg and fried slice go cold.’

As I wandered out, I discovered who was next in line. ‘Frimley! What on earth are you doing here?’

‘The PM asked me to join him, he’s made me an offer which I’m inclined to accept. I’m here to give him my answer. He wants me to be his special advisor on constitutional matters.’

‘How Pooterish of you.’

‘Come again.’

‘Wouldn’t do for me, I suppose I’m too much of my own man. You do realise you’ll be expected to join him in his full English? He’s not reached the toast and marmalade yet.’

‘Oh, good lord, surely not? I was rather hoping for my usual boiled egg.’

‘I rest my case.’

‘I beg your pardon?’

‘Don’t mind me, catch you later, at the fish quay perhaps?’

As it happened, the whole day was over by 5,00pm. Buffy was last seen entering his chopper alone. The bag carriers, having elected to spend the day at the Park, decided to cram into the other conveyance, something about the smell of fish. Hence, Charlie and I could have a quite evening in, watching the reporting of the day’s events.

‘Trumpton’s detail had a female distraction too, only she was a blond. They implied they knew all about us.’

‘Inevitable I guess. Pick up any useful tips?’

‘They were really friendly, wanted me to know stuff.’

‘You’ve got the touch.’

‘Blimey! I haven’t even sorted the post.’

‘I’m not expecting anything.’

‘Crikey! Another addressed to the both of us. And it’s another invitation too. 

‘Well, you’re in demand now. A key contact in the social register of everybody whose anybody.’

‘We are, “cordially invited to the opening of The New Realist Gallery... any time after 11,00am on...” what on earth is this?’

‘Haven’t a clue.’

‘Well you usually do. Oh hang on, I’ve missed the small print “Reg. Co. Dir. Lady Victoria Herring”.’

‘Ah, so he hasn’t said anything to you?’

‘Who?’

‘Tuffy, I mean he confides more in you than me these days. That’s the Lady Victoria I was trying to steer him towards a while ago. He’s kept that dark, fifty quid says he’s the goffer on the door when we turn up.’

(End of season three – season four will commence in the New Year!)

30: Wedding of the year

‘Bloody hell! The woman’s wearing white, damn it! They’re both on the wrong side of forty.’

‘Calm yourself, Cat.’ I whispered back as the real action began.

‘What is the C-of-E thinking of? This place has always been high church. There’s a Civil War pub three doors down. And I know for a fact Prue’s been round the block more than once.’

‘Yes, but that was before she became a virgin.’

‘What?’

‘You know, everyone rebrands themselves these days, rewrites the past in their heads so they can identify as somebody else. She’s managed to get what she wanted with all the trimmings. Besides, if it really bothers you, stick your hand up when they get to the “just impediment” bit.’

‘No, the sods will have changed the order of service. It’s Rory I feel sorry for.’

‘Nonsense, she’ll make a perfect old style political wife, even a grand hostess perhaps. If this reception works, perhaps she’ll want to hire the Park for a political salon from time to time.’

‘Where’s Charlie? I’ve been looking forward to seeing her in a dress, and a hat.’

‘Me too, I can assure you. However she’s in full dress uniform today, acting as event organiser for the Park.’

The service turned out a bit dull in the end, simply because everything was done in such a correct manner. Everyone was there, with one notable exception - and I don’t mean Charlie. I’d rather assumed the unspeakable Buffy Trumpton would put in an appearance, Rory having now joined him in Westminster. After Prudence had commanded the photographer in his duties, we all piled into the official transport, but not before she’d sidled up to me; ‘Are you sure your strumpet can handle this?’

‘Naturally. Besides, we’ve been in constant communication all a.m. Anyway, you remember the Christmas party?’

‘Oh yes, of course. How come you always look the best dressed person in the room, even at a girl’s fucking wedding?’

I took both her hands in mine for a second or two, a pattern break if ever there was one; ‘Everything is going to be okay. You’re a winner, always have been.’

It was a few minutes after we’d all congregated at the veranda bar end of the Park lounge that it happened. Two figures could be seen running out from the house, each laden down with what appeared to be a pile of bed sheets. They skirted the pond and headed towards the ninth green, whipped the flagpole out and started arranging the sheets on the ground. The room went quite, as the distant sound of rota blades began to be heard. Someone opened the glass doors. ‘I say! This is fun, what?’ exclaimed Tuffy.

‘I’ve a horrible feeling I know what’s going to happen next.’ So said a familiar female voice. I turned to see Carrie at my side.

‘Oh no. Seriously?’

‘I think so, look over there, she’s turned as white as her dress.’ As everyone moved forward, some already on the lawn, Prudence remained stock still.

Sure enough a minute or so later a shock of blond hair could be seen bounding from the flying conveyance and immediately orientating itself towards the closest person in the crowd. With outstretched hand, Buffy - for it was he - began approaching everyone in turn, the vigorous handshake accompanied at the end by the placing of the open palm of the left hand half way up the forearm for just a moment.

‘Of course, the man’s quite sound politically.’ Another voice, this time male. ‘Although his popularist approach would not be my own.’

‘He gets your vote then Frimley?’

‘He’s a winner, he’s what every party needs.’

‘Thank you by the way for your assistance re. recent local difficulty.’

‘You’re welcome. May one enquire whether you were able to plug the other end of the leak, so to speak?’

‘Oh yes, a minor functionary in the Park administration saw the error of his ways.’

‘And how did you achieve that?’

‘I’ve no idea, I delegated the matter entirely to my assistant. After all, she was the object of his fascination.’

Finally having run out of greetable wedding guests, Buffy paused, looked around, saw me and resumed his bounding walk towards the bar. ‘Ah, there you are Anthony, I was hoping you’d be here, there’s a somewhat delicate matter that’s arisen regarding young Rory, I need your advice.’

‘Well if it’s just advice, I can relax then.’

‘Yes, quite.’

‘Here, have some bubbly.’

‘I never drink now. Clouds the judgement.’

‘You know yours is the first chopper we’ve had on the lawn.’

‘For goodness sake it’s not mine! It’s on loan, an experiment, a friend of the party has offered it full-time when the crisis comes.’

‘Still trying to leverage your way into Downing Street, by fair means or foul?’

‘We do go back a long way Anthony; I was hoping we could trust each other on this one.’

‘It’s because we go back a way, that neither of us can rely on trust. Carrie is hereabouts, you should have a word.’

‘All right, cards on the table, I need Rory singing from the Team Buffy hymn sheet therefore I need Prudence batting for me, and I need Carrie back too, she’s a genius when it comes to PR. Only you can fix it all. And when I win, and you know I will, I’ll be the best-informed man in the realm, so I’ll know in minutes how you’ve managed to acquire your own slice of rural England. I might even be able to confirm the rumour about Earnshaw.’

‘What rumour?’

‘That he’s had to resign from the council of that hair-shirt chapel he’s a member of because he’s a porn addict.’

‘All of which gives me any number of reasons not to lift a finger to help you. So, amaze me, pull the rabbit out of the hat.’

‘You’ll do it because you won’t be able to stop yourself, you’re an addict too in your own way. Addicted to playing the puppeteer. We both know it’s all a game, we’ve always opposed each other, it works, we have more in common than those who surround us.’

‘How’s the diet coming?’

‘I always saw you, you know, staring down from your window, every time I was hitting the home stretch when out on a run after afternoon school, I’d never have finished if you hadn’t been watching.’

‘We were generally waiting for the butter to melt on our toasted tea cakes.’

‘And now you have to employ someone to impose self-discipline from without.’

‘You do realise we both, have both our elbows on the bar - you don’t often see that.’

‘We should mingle, wouldn’t want the others to think we were conspiring.’

‘I knew this would happen, when you didn’t turn up at the church, I thought yes, no amount of him smartening himself up, no winning smile for the bride - would help in the least.’

‘They, think we, are lazy.’

‘When in fact we, simply aspire to an easy life. Any ideas on how to scrape Tuffy off the pavement when all this goes down?’

‘Simple, now he’s hit his stride he’ll want to aim higher.’

29: Earnshaw's revenge

‘Charlotte!’

‘What?’

‘What, no “sir”?’

‘I’m trying to concentrate.’ I’d entered the kitchen only to find her with her head in a book entitled Vegan Enlightenment.

‘I’ve told you before, those glasses for a fiver from the chemist won’t do, you need a prescription pair. You’re a profitable going concern now, there’s no excuse.’

‘Okay, what’s your problem?’

‘Our problem is we need to get you in the club. As a member I mean, not being forever signed in as a guest. It’s one thing to be in demand, we like that, quite another to be seen loitering alone in the hallway waiting for the next poor sap to come along. You have to be seen to glide in unimpeded, more to the point we need you covered by membership insurance, it won’t cover you accepting odd commissions on the sly, but it will cover you, and them, for normal personal injury stuff etc. You can’t, as yet, afford the outrageous fees, so, like with your clothing allowance, Brinkley will have to get creative. I’ll be expected to put your name forward, but that means I won’t be allowed to attend the membership committee, but I can’t think there will be a problem.’

‘What do I have to do?’

‘Fill out this form by hand, then I’ll word process it for you.’

‘That’s it?’

‘Sure. All the committee asks of itself is “who’s met her” and “does she fit in?”.’

It was about a week later, whilst idling an hour or so at the Park, that I was approached by a tall, gangling, spectacled figure. ‘Anthony old man, a word in your shell-like. Information has reached me that you and your, companion, have gone viral, in the worst way.’ It was Frimley Coates, club member and devotee, like Rory Flotterton, of the double-breasted suit. But, unlike Rory, not of the old school since he’s a left footer.

‘Really, how strange.’

‘All rather embarrassing. It seems, sources inform me, that edited highlights of your recent stay here over Christmas now appear on the world’s largest porn site.’

‘Good lord.’

‘Odd that you should have forgotten to turn off security, that sort of thing being rather your hobby and all that.’

‘What the sex or the cameras?’

‘You seem a little blasé, I don’t image Ms Sparkwell will consider the matter so lightly.’

‘Thank you for your concern Frimley, I shall investigate, the matter need go no further.’

‘But my dear fellow, it’s all over the club already!’

‘Your joking!’

‘Not in the least. I’ve tracked it down, only took eleven key strokes and four key words!’

‘Well let’s have a look then.’

‘Frimley, thought you’d be quite upset.’

After a short pause. ‘I am now, the editing is bloody awful.’

‘Well the camera positions are fixed.’

‘Yes, but it kind of misses out the best bits. My French selfies are better than this. Wait a minute, there is something a bit odd about it.’

‘I know, at first I thought the timeline was just wrong when cutting between cameras…’

‘It’s like the person who did this, didn’t quite get what they were looking at.’

‘Quite.’

‘So, why make it anyway?’

‘Well clearly not an attempt to burn us, otherwise we’d have got a copy through the post with a demand for cash or some favour. Rather an effort at public embarrassment or humiliation, one might suppose.’

‘Will it work?’

‘Well that depends as much on how we respond, as it does on anyone else.’

‘And Frimley said it was all over the club, how?’

‘Well I think I’m about to find out. Give it a couple of minutes. Twenty-five quid says it’ll be Tuffy.’

‘I’m not betting against you.’

‘But we must also ask, why all over the club? Would you want to see an intimate video of your friends going at it? It’s the outsider looking on who either gloats or offers moral censure. Here we go. Yes! Bless you my son. And he’s forwarded the original. That link looks decidedly dodgy. Now, reply unredacted, “Thanks old man”. Now that looks like the dumbest thing to do, but hopefully it will force… Yes, the systems done it all for me.’

‘So what happen? You’re secure obviously.’

‘Yes, now my system has quarantined everything with either Tuffy’s email or that of the original emailer. The thing is, it will also reach out to the cloud. One man’s security system being another man’s spyware. So, “see details”. Oh, that’s rather dull, never mind.’

‘What is?’

‘I thought this might be fun, but it seems, I can’t be certain yet, but this all comes back to the Park company’s system. This file it has just created is very fat. It’s all me, or the Park or the club, and goes round and round in circles. Too tedious for words. I suspect whoever was acting as caretaker on the 27th December - the “inside man” as it were - reviewed security, thought it interesting, then with nothing better to do, started editing it there and then on the same machine, sent it to themselves at the club presumably, then forwarded it to whoever on the membership list they thought might be prepared to offer a bung. Sometime later, it may have been the same person who distributed it to selected individuals on behalf of the Mr Big.’

‘Frimley?’

‘Well, I doubt it. He was the obvious choice for messenger precisely because he is what he seems, very conventional and true to his greed. But I do think the idea is moral outrage at my behaviour. Now, which of my enemies feels hard done by on moral grounds?’

‘Everyone you screwed over when you grabbed control the Park! What chance have I got with the club membership committee now?’ I could have done with some digital help reading her face at that moment, not anger more like sadness, despair?

‘Every chance in the world - if I have anything to do with it.’

‘Mr Coates sir, may I refresh your glass?’

‘Oh, there’s really no need…’

‘Frimley! How are you?’ I said, approaching from the other direction. ‘Anything you like on the menu, you only have to ask, on my account.’

‘No really. And the answer to your question is I only heard about it by email like everyone else.’

‘Well, not everyone else to be precise, my digital consultants tell me only three others received it and they, for various reasons, have notoriously loose tongues. You on the other hand are the soul of propriety. Have you asked yourself why you were informed of our activities?’

‘I take your point.’

‘So, who wishes to induce moral outrage at the private, adult-consenting activity of Charlotte and myself, recorded on my cameras in a building of which I am the part owner?’

‘An interesting question.’

‘Charlie’s application for membership will come up at the next committee.’

‘Indeed. Really Anthony I thought I was just giving you the heads-up! And I can assure you I hit the pause button the moment I realised…’

‘No need to explain. We believe you. You see I have a hunch as to who is so anxious to have everyone question my morals. I think, this is all about tin churches, on remote hillsides, with an east wind coming off the sea.’

‘Now that, is something I could find out about.’

‘I thought you might.’

It was one morning in spring that Charlie suddenly exclaimed; ‘This letter is addressed to the both of us.’

‘Well don’t bother with the silver salver then, open it yourself.’

‘Very grand stationary, blimey, it’s finally going to happen, Miss Prudence and the Honourable Rory, at the church of St. Mary the… and later at Crawford Park! I wasn’t informed of this.’

‘Well, I wanted it to come as a surprise.’

‘Oh, yes.’

‘The thing is, this is a bit of a new venture for the Park staff, they feel confident they can handle it, but it’s just the question of crowd control that concerns them, they were rather wondering if you might be prepared to give a repeat performance of what everyone saw at Christmas.’

‘You’ve told them haven’t you, promised me to them without my consent.’

‘Now, they’ve been very tolerant about our out of hours adventures. And your membership went through without discussion apparently. And, now you have the first outfit - think of that. You won’t even have to appear at the church in a hat!’