133: Any other business

Who was it who said; ‘A committee is an animal with four back legs?’ I was staring out of the window to where the new trench, for the new water pipe, was being dug. Then I remembered, John Le Carre in The Honourable Schoolboy, I think? The fact I had time to cogitate, and remember the quote and ponder its source, is a measure of how distracted, or do I mean dissociated, one becomes whilst chairing the club dining committee these days.

Health had somehow crept onto the agenda, or rather the lack of it. As I let them ramble a little longer, the thought occurred that it may have been the influence of Sparkwell at the Spa and Sports Committee that had caused the subject to somehow jump domains, escaping their ‘safe space’ and invading ours! We were on the final item, a routine review of the menu, but somehow it had morphed into the obesity crisis, the psychological impact of our alleged comfort food, and now, the detrimental effects of food additives.

‘But we must consider our activities in the context of the climate crisis.’ Tuffy lobbed in from left field.

‘Enough!’ I asserted. ‘We’re drifting, gentlemen.’

‘Perhaps we need a new committee?’ Added another.

‘We've got four already! Every extra layer of management makes us less efficient and can only lead to higher fees in the future. Now, can we please move on to any other business.’ They had none, thank goodness. But I did; ‘There is one matter I think we should give thought to, the forthcoming official visit of our new MP, the issue being how much she needs to be, well, managed?’

‘Has anyone met the woman? I hear she’s a bloody Trot, sounds like trouble to me.’

Discretion prevents me naming the individual. I simply mused; ‘Well I’ve been in the same room as her a couple of times, can’t say I gleaned much about her.’ Now I concede, I was ‘perhaps being economical with the truth’, but I did want to keep control, make myself Brenda’s personal guide.

‘Well, I don’t imagine any of us have got even that close, I vote the chair should take on the responsibility, I don’t see it’s any business of ours.’ Thank you Tuffy, I thought to myself, somehow our association still worked, even if only unconsciously.

‘I don’t think there’s any need for us to vote on this, Tony?’ Said someone else.

‘So be it. Meeting closed.’ I glanced at my watch. ‘Oh, good lord, look at the time, Sparkwell is having guests for tea. I must go.’

As I was legging it down the corridor, Cat drew alongside; ‘Your meeting, finally over?’

‘Finally. But I’m late for a Sparkwell tea now!’

‘Oh dear. Still, this will only take a minute.’

‘And?’

‘Tuffy has gone a bit off-piste again, been boasting in the bar, more than once, about Charlie having tattoos, getting chaps to guess how many, and where.’

‘Not the act of a gentleman. There’s only one he could know about, and that from an accidental glance.’

‘I’ll take your word for it, as a gentleman! Clearly, he’s been colouring his narrative.’

‘Leave it with me.’

As I entered our jolly home, via the pantry, a tall young male figure with wayward hair but a reassuring lack of face adornment, sprang to his feet. This was Timothy at close quarters.

‘Pleasure to meet you, sir. I’ve been hearing all about the Arlington Trust.’ Rather formal I thought.

‘Excellent. Apologies for my lateness, delayed by a committee. You’ve had a tour of the garden?’

‘I came in the back way.’

‘How are you Mel, been a while?’

The conversation was a little stilted for five minutes or so, as everyone repeated everything, that had been said before I arrived. Then I pitched in; ‘My thought Tim, was that if you were prepared to take us on, cash in hand of course, then we might also be able to meet all your work placement requirements from across the Trust.’

‘I’ve seen all the websites. You’re also connected to Checkley Manor I understand, a nice house.’

‘Indeed. Well, we seem to be on the same page. I should tell you however that I’m only one of the trustees of the Trust.’

‘Understood.’

Now I stood up, about to leave for a momentary comfort break; ‘Mel! You want to watch yourself, you may never get rid of this chap.’

Upon my return a few minutes later, there was much ribbed laughter. ‘Tony, Mel won’t tell Tim and me what the infamous “unfortunate incident” at her parents wedding was all about.’

‘Don’t tell them!’ Melisa said, looking rather flushed.

I thought, with the boyfriend present, this might be just the moment; ‘I can’t see why not, you were unwell after all, and a small child wasn’t to know.’

‘This is so embarrassing.’

‘Oh! So, it was Mel herself who was the trouble, even then?’ Chided Charlie.

‘Well, it was more the sound really. She was heard, rather than seen by everyone in the church.’

‘Oh, god.’

‘She threw-up in the baptismal font.’

Charlie was driving us to Crawford Park for the Brenda Radnor visit. We were discussing how the situation should be played. Then I realised I hadn’t told her of Tuffy’s latest misdemeanour.

‘I suppose if it was a day I was wearing my shorts, and had to bend a bit, he might have caught a glimpse. As for the others, not a chance.’

‘You never talked about them?’

‘Not to him.’

‘Well, that’s all much as I’d surmised. I leave appropriate retribution, to your good self.’

The visit started with a coffee in the lounge, then I guided Brenda to the spa. ‘Ah! Here’s someone you should meet. Charlotte Sparkwell, chair of the Spa and Sports Committee, and coincidentally my partner in life. Charlie, meet your local MP.’

They shook hands. ‘You look familiar, have we met?’ Brenda asked.

‘I don’t think so.’

‘But? Wait a moment, I’ve seen your face, several times. I know, it was when I was searching The Beacon for local stories before the election, so you and he are...’

‘Ah, but what a tangled web we weave.’

‘Please, do have a complementary, spa special pro-vitamin drink, this one is apricot, but there are others.’ Charlie interceded.

‘Well, I’ve just had a coffee...’

‘Oh, but you really must try one of Charlie’s pick-me-ups. Entirely organic don’t you know. Works wonders after a late evening.’

‘It’s a recipe of my own invention madam. Mixed using our own spring water.’

Having inspected a sample treatment room, the aqua therapy pool and dodged questions about unionisation, I escorted our representative of the old left, out of the mood-altering aromas into the fresh air surrounding the pond.

She made an excellent choice of question; ‘How do you think our government is doing Tony?’

‘Well, I really only concern myself with local issues, but if pressed I’d say they might be on firmer ground if they went back to fighting the class war. Capital and labour may have opposing interests, but they share the same reality.’

‘Intersectional, woke mob, half the country has gone full tin-foiled hat!’

‘I think we understand each other.’

‘Got any more surprises for me?’

‘Well, maybe just one.’

‘And this is the conference centre. Open for hire, at rates commensurate to its surroundings. Of course it’s easy enough to move the chairs, store the screen etcetera. It was originally the ballroom, with sprung floor, still used for musical evenings.’

‘Very grand.’

‘But also with two withdrawing rooms, one serves as a seminar room for “break-out sessions” as required, the other is our media room, often used as a podcast studio. Oh look! The man himself.’

‘What the hell is he doing here?’

‘Good-day all!’ Said a smiling Don with open arms.

‘Had you not realised? Brenda, let me introduce you to the host of one of our nation’s most popular podcasts, The Don Wooley Show. Treat him right, he might let you be a guest!’

126: Evil under the sun

I had retreated to the media room, on account of Charlie having a private client. I hadn’t noticed the doorbell ring, but perhaps she’d seen whoever, arriving. After an hour or so of worrying those at the old bank about post-election strategy, I stretched my legs by wandering into the bedroom and looking down on the garden. I was shocked to see Charlie ferrying, it was the only word for it, a crouching Tuffy along the path to the back gate.

‘How was your client, responsive to the Sparkwell touch?’ I asked over our lunchtime rations.

‘Not really. I ended-up introducing some yoga for him to practice.’

‘Good God! Well, that explains it I suppose.’

‘Explains what?’

‘Why your so-called client was bent double leaving by the back gate.’

‘You saw?’

‘I did indeed.’

‘It wasn’t my idea!’

‘I imagine not.’

‘He insists everything should be shrouded in secrecy, not just from Victoria, but from you too, in case you were tempted to blab. He said; “You know Tony, he has tentacles everywhere.” He's overwhelmed.’

‘What’s happened to the poor fellow?’

‘I'm not even sure about that. He spent quite a time muttering about the railway.’

‘Our railway?’

‘No, the model set in the attic. He thinks he could create something more authentic than your lot.’

‘Good lord! Well, yes if it’s a model then it’s always simpler.’

‘I just wish he'd give some thought to who he’s talking to, I mean his twin obsessions are you and Victoria, how can I be expected to observe client confidentiality when there’s such a conflict of interest?’

‘They do say, that having chosen someone as your confessor it’s often difficult to break the habit.’

‘I say! There’s no packed lunch, damn it.’

‘Calm yourself Tuffy.’ I asserted. We were all aboard the old charabanc, heading out from the club on our annual Awayday. This year we were off to Bilberry-on-Sea, with a promise of lunch at the posh hotel on the island that sat across the causeway.

‘They’ll be takeaway coffees at the beach, whilst we wait for the sea tractor to ferry us across.’ Said Cat, taking on his usual role of tour guide.

Walpole and Helene were sat behind us, enjoying a tour again. ‘Well, this is very pleasant. You realise we hardly go anywhere together these days Walpole.’

‘Alas, pressure of work.’

‘That’s what you used to say in the old days, you’re meant to be retired!’

‘Well, I say work, but more like a hobby really, something one can be enthusiastic about.’

‘I hope there’ll be no arguments about detectives today.’

‘Strange, I wasn’t aware today’s misery tour took us to local locations from The Hound of the Baskervilles or the disappearance of Silver Blasé.’

‘Really Walpole! You know perfectly well to whom I refer. The island was an inspiration to Agatha Christie, there’s even a summer chalet in the hotel grounds where she used to write.’

‘Oh really? Would I recognise any of her titles?’

‘Evil Under The Sun, was one!’

‘Were there any art-deco buildings that didn’t have flat roofs?’ I said to Walpole as we stood looking at the only feature in the landscape of note, whilst consuming our coffees.

‘I can’t think of any, and they all leaked.’

‘Your Sherlock comment has set me thinking about next year, I’m looking for an alternative to stave off a small cabal determined we should do Christie’s home Greenway next.’

‘Oh lord!’ Then a moment later; ‘Oh, now what? Helene is gesturing with a beckoning digit. See you later.’

Melisa separated herself from the family Gruber and came over for a chat. ‘How was the bank?’ I enquired.

‘Great, Charlie helped me out.’

‘Getting a handle on financial affairs now will save countless hours in the future. Has Jack found you wheels yet?’

‘Yes, Mr Mackintosh’s old van has turned up and he’s fixing it, says it needs a lot of work though. Mother says you’d reassured her I wouldn’t turn up in some fancy sports. You’re involved with all this somehow, you seem to have leverage with practically everyone I meet!’

‘Okay, I confess, I found the van. Cat will transfer ownership to me because I’m doing him a favour in another matter. Jack is under instruction to do it all up to suit your needs, I’ll pay him whatever he sees fit to charge me, depending on how much he feels I owe him. We, have a sort of informal business partnership going. You meanwhile, need to work out how much it will cost you to run, cash you’ll have to pay, wherever it actually comes from, such as insurance, road tax, MOT, petrol per mile etc. When all that’s sorted, I simply transfer ownership to you.’

‘What? Free, gratis and for nothing.’

‘Well, there’s really no need for cash to exchange hands. I owe you an eighteenth birthday present anyway and there are occasional favours you could do for me.’

‘I’m beginning to think mother isn’t right about you!’

‘She’s biased. No, right now, there’s only one thing I can think of that would make a real difference. Would you be willing to chauffer Kenneth back and forth to our place twice a week so he can stay involved with the garden?’

‘Of course, no worries.’

‘Young Timothy not with you today?’

‘I don’t allow him to come just anywhere!’

‘Glad to hear it.’

It was whilst eating our luxurious lunch that I realised that what obsessed modernist architects were the interiors they created, and if that meant an horrendous outside, so be it. We lounged awhile after eating, then the heartier folk set off for a walk around the island. I looked for Charlie, but she was nowhere to be seen, so I just followed the group in front. Later, as we were gathering for the return ferry, I was chatting to Victoria, a few steps apart from all the others. Cat approached looking hassled and declared; ‘We’re missing two!’

‘So much so obvious.’ I replied.

‘What?’

‘I am without Charlie, Victoria is minus Tuffy, thus we deduce they are together.’

‘Good lord! I say, sorry about that and all.’

‘Oh!’ Exclaimed the Lady Vic; ‘I think we’re fairly safe in assuming Charlotte is doing her best to therapize Tuffy! And I don’t think either Tony nor I, would fully claim to know the mind of Tuffy.’

‘Absolutely. Anyway Cat, I suggest Vic and I take ten minutes to walk around the top of the island again, that’ll give us the best view.’

Five minutes later, as we were walking a path above an almost amphitheatre like cove, two figures could be seen on the beach below. I recognised Charlie by the only too familiar pose, that of the assertive fitness instructor. The figure attempting to rise out of Cobra must be Tuffy.

‘He’s only just wolfed down a large lunch!’ Said the Lady Vic.

‘Being on sand won't help. Hush a second, we might be able to hear something...’

‘Now gently rising into Warrior, try not to stretch or strain.’ Charlie could be heard to caution. But Tuffy had other ideas, he pushed on into full Victory pose. Arms out stretched forming a V and fingers spread.

‘Oh, my God!’ Said Vic, then added; ‘She’s changed into her kit.’

‘Yes, Charlie is notoriously high bound in the matter of yoga and fitness apparel.’

It was then, and I can't honestly say what made me do it, that I cupped my hands to my mouth and sent a ‘koo-ee' echoing around the cliff face. Tuffy collapsed instantly in a heap.

‘That was, brutal but effective Tony.’

‘Sometimes you need an utter bastard to stop an idiot.’ I replied.

122: In the swing of it

Despite Charlie’s assertion that Cat Mackintosh would have no time-off from organising the golf, nonetheless I found him loitering one day in the veranda bar at the club. ‘What ho, what ho, my old former companion at arms!’

‘Oh, hello Tony.’

‘You look a little glum, my old son. Don’t tell me, the hassle of the golf tournament has induced a mood of melancholy.’

‘No, no. Its Annabella, she wants me to raise something with you, might be a bit of a thorny issue.’

‘Steel yourself, old friend of my youth.’

‘Fact is, she wants to sell number forty-two.’

‘Makes sense.’

‘But she’s worried about security of tenure at your apartment. I mean we’ve got used to it, it’s much more desirable than forty-two, but you’re hardly in a position to guarantee that low rent for ever, I mean you don’t actually own it do you, your trust does.’

‘Yes, we’ve retained it since my father’s day. Though there’s no real reason to now. I say, Annabella isn’t selling because you’re short of the readies?’

‘No, just surplus to requirements.’

‘Well then, why don’t you buy a lease on my apartment?’

‘We’re not that flush old man! The place is the envy of all the other residents, and if it’s never been on the market, the price could sky rocket.’

‘But Cat, you know the owner, you’re the sitting tenant. Persuade me to persuade the trustees to let you have it, for whatever price you get for forty-two.’

There was a definite pause for thought; ‘What do you want?’

‘What I want is Northcott Electrics, I've found a worthy home for it.’

‘Who?’

‘A young person who'll appreciate its value.’

‘But it’s not road worthy anymore.’

‘Well get Jack to pick it up, commission him to do whatever is necessary to bring it up to scratch, then transfer ownership to me before the bill is due. Then you’ll be free and clear, Annabella won't have to know you’ve been hanging on to it all this time, and I won’t tell anyone at the Park where you've been stashing it. Then I can go to work on the Trust.’

Cat gave me one of his old-time, subordinates, sideways glances; ‘How do you know all this? On second thoughts don’t bother. I’ve long ago accepted I must look like a bit of a duffer to the likes of you and Barmy. Besides, I can't think of a catch?’

‘That’s because there isn't one. There is one condition though, you stay off your device and let me break the bad news to the despicable soul who has been breaking the terms of their lease by sub-letting their car port to you.’

Then I wandered off towards the spa. Fiona was doing her rounds, seemingly interrogating the girl on the desk. ‘I say, has Mrs Armitage been across today?’

‘She’s practicing her putting Mr Arlington. Hole number two.’

‘Excellent.’ I strode forth to the second green.

I let her hole-out, then opened with; ‘All set to defend your title?’

‘You didn’t walk out all this way to talk sport.’ She replied, turning to face me.

‘Oh, I don’t know.’ Then, after a momentary pause; ‘Cat Mackintosh is a sentimental old fool.’ A micro-expression of fear showed across her face. Ada was a good ten years older than me, I must be careful how I trod.

‘Can’t say I know him well.’

‘I, on the other hand, have known him since youth. A little old white van may look inconspicuous in a crowd of vehicles, but with a car cover thrown over it, in the car port of someone known for being a non-driver these days...’

‘And I’m a sucker for a sob story, that your point?’

‘Damn it Ada, you were there observing when uncle and I rubber stamped the additional clauses to your leases regarding the stables and the walled garden.’

‘Are you here to destroy my happiness, or are you angling for a deal?’

‘Oh! I still owe you, just not as much as before. Come on, let me buy you a stiffener. After all, we need you on top form, someone is bound to be betting on you.’

‘You, are impeding my schedule. And you’re giving the game away having both of us parked side by side in the car park.’ So declared Charlie, as I was boosting Ada's self-esteem at the bar.

‘I shall be gone in a jiffy; I have no desire to hear your golfing woes. However, when I spoke to Cat earlier it occurred to me, that the next membership committee is coming up, and that you might be the better person to urge him to make Archie's application his top priority.’

‘That’s true. Okay, but be gone!’

I was as good as my word, avoiding the Park for the duration of other peoples ‘marvellous mania’. On the quiet I liaised with Jack regarding Cat, and with Bernard regarding Barmy. According to Charlie recent rainfall patterns had been good for the Park, upping the quality of the grass and making everyone feel their game must surely be improving! But for me, it was water off a duck’s back. It wasn’t until our dance night was underway that life got interesting again. Whilst others were tweeting about the dancefloor performances of minor celebs, I was struck by the appearance of the family Gruber out on mass. All four of them, plus a young lad they appeared to have in tow, were dressed in serious nineteen twenties raiment. Melisa in particular, now sported the bob of a flapper!

Then I was distracted by the band’s vocalist taking up the challenge of; ‘Dapper Dan was a very handy man on the train that ran through Dixie, made the beds and everything, all you had do was ring...’

‘Take me away from all this Tony.’ I felt Daphne take my arm. I led her first to the bar, then out to the pond in the moonlight. ‘I feel shell-shocked by the last few weeks.’

‘I can imagine.’

‘First Daddy gone, then... I suppose you’ve always known?’

‘Known what?’

‘What league Barmy’s family were in?’

‘Yes, which is why I was anxious to get your affairs managed by my people at the old bank, and get Mel trained up a bit for the future. She has enterprise that one.’

‘You can say that again. The day after we got probate it was her eighteenth birthday. At the next meeting with your Mr Merriweather, and the other one, Brinkley, she told them she’d take the entire amount in the form of a cheque. I half expected her to have left home the following morning.’

‘Blame me for that, via Charlie. That cheque is her introductory letter to the man known throughout the county as “the banker”. He’s the man I said good evening to a moment ago in the bar. Mel will be, the nearest thing we see, to an heiress! Talking of which, why are you all so, seriously dressed-up, I know it’s always a themed evening, but nonetheless.’

‘Melisa’s birthday treat.’

‘Ah! Now, talking of treats, you’ll be pleased to know that Mel will not suddenly be appearing one day with a classic sports car from Jack’s garage. Let’s just say I have my own birthday treat in mind for her.’

‘Oh no! What?’

‘Now don’t panic. I am in the process of facilitating the ultimate in inconspicuous motoring. Bye the way, who’s the young lad with your party this evening?’

‘Goes by the name of Timothy, a hanger-on of Melisa’s from the college.’

‘Really, is he her love interest?’

‘God knows! She calls him her spare man. He just started following her around apparently, she told him, she didn’t mind as long as he made himself useful. Wants to get into the horticultural college.’

‘Oh, well. He could be of use to all of us then.’

107: Golf widower

‘I have no interest in this matter, what, so, ever.’

‘I’m not demanding action; I just want advice!’ So said Charlie.

‘The power is all with you, Buffy is just heading up the sub-committee, you’re at liberty to throw out any recommendations. But still, better to kill anything you don’t like before it gets written down, as a rule, usually.’

‘Usually?’

‘Well, from time to time you might want evidence of someone’s idiocy.’

‘Oh, right.’

‘So, let me see if I’ve got this right, you fear Buffy has given a nod and a wink to the people he’s approached, when in fact the actual list needs the approval of the full committee - that was in the terms of reference the sub-committee were given, I take it?’

‘Yes.’

‘So, who are these people he’s claiming to have recruited? Not that their names will mean anything to me, but their status?’

‘Two talent show winners, an ex-daytime tv presenter, a fiction blogger, oh, and a regional weatherman.’

‘All sounds pretty C-list to me. What of the pros?’

‘Well, we’re a bit better-off there; resident pros from Wentworth and Sandwich, plus a former champion and Ryder Cup Captain, with his wife!’

‘You say that, like I should understand?’

‘She, is a former actress and a useful player herself, but has a lot of experience at organising charity events.’

‘Well that all sounds not so bad.’

‘We’ve heard on the grapevine, he’s in cahoots with an ex-MEP, in the hope of persuading a certain golfing ex-President.’

‘Not a chance! He doesn’t have the clout, believe me. He’s just shooting his mouth off, flying a kite.’

‘Maybe not. I thought they were supposed to be mates.’

‘People have accused him of being a mate, mainly because he was the only world leader who could maintain a coherent conversation with the man. Say what you will about Buffy, he has a remarkable ability to connect. Now listen-up, he wants us to blow a gasket, threaten allsorts, he wants to flush us out onto open ground, see how far he can push us. Stay cool. Restrict any sort of comment to “the members would never wear it”, or “the membership committee would take a very dim view, kind of thing that gets a chap black-balled.” You know the sort of thing.’

Despite being underwhelmed, and considering myself well-off out of it, nonetheless simply by hanging around the club, and at home, meant I couldn’t stop hearing more about the imminent tournament. One day when Charlie wandered into the media room looking care worn, I assumed more minor golfing irritations were on their way. It turned out I was quite wrong.

‘There’s something I have to confess.’

‘Good lord!’

‘I’ve made a right balls-up of things.’

‘More golf woes?’

‘Well not directly. The thing is, I got bit above myself. I attempted a scheme, it blew-up in my face.’

‘A scheme? As in my kind of schemes, the ones you’re always disapproving of?’

‘I know, I can’t have been in my right mind.’

‘Well speaking as a schemer, more likely inexperience, rather than a bad scheme!’

‘That’s just it, my quarry said something unexpected.’

‘How much are you down?’

‘What? Oh no, it didn’t get that far. You know I’ve been getting to know Ada, helping her keep fit and that.’

‘Ah!’ I couldn’t help smiling.

‘You know, she’s told you?’

‘No, not a word. It’s just, I’ve an idea I know where this is going.’

‘Yes, you would, like her, you see me coming, thinking three steps ahead.’

‘It’s just the same kind of anticipation that anyone with a particular skillset acquires.’

‘Well, anyway. Ada is worried, she wants to stay at her bungalow forever and stay as a member of the club till her dying day, but she’s concerned she won’t have the cash and is thinking of selling stuff. I sort of, well started talking about her shares in the Park company, how they must be worth a lot more than she paid for them and that if she ever wanted to sell, I’d be more than willing to... Don’t smirk!’

‘And?’

‘Buy them off her.’

‘And her reply?’

‘She said, yes she thought I would be an appropriate recipient, but of course we would need to negotiate over price, she just had one condition, she wouldn’t go behind your back, I’d have to get your approval.’

‘And you didn’t see that coming? Ada knows which side her bread is buttered, clearly you don’t!  All these years, I’ve been treating you as an opponent worthy of my steel...’

‘Alright, alright, stop pissing about. Where did I go wrong?’

‘Well, specifically in the case of Ada, you may well know her very well, but what of her situation and her relationship to me as a major shareholder in the Park? She values her home more than her shares, okay?’

‘Oh, right.’

‘And they are really two separate issues.’

‘What will you do?’

‘Talk to her about the security of leases, protocols around management fees. And I’ll do that by visiting her at home, have you been to her home?’

‘No.’

‘Another mistake. I’ll ask her what the insurance are stinging her for? She’s got a unique porcelain collection; some individual pieces would keep her in hearth and home for several years.’

‘And the shares?’

‘She should be in the position to do with them whatever she judges to be right.’

I had hoped to absent myself from the Park during the golf, which it turned out was to be a three-day event, but I interpreted a friendly warning phone call from Carrie, as a call to arms. It seemed Buffy, who as far as I was aware didn’t know one end of a golf club from another, had entered himself in the tournament and been drawn against Ada Armitage in the first round on the first day. As we were parking, I noticed Cat emerging rather rapidly from the bushes, when he saw us, he changed pace and direction, and sauntered over. ‘Skulking?’ I suggested.

‘Just a little bit of business, on the side.’

‘What odds are you offering on Ada?’

‘None old man. Far too late. Drawing Buffy is considered something of a free pass to round two.’

‘I’m here against my better judgement you know.’ I asserted.

‘Well, me too darling!’

‘So, what’s the story?’

‘It’s the final straw, that’s the story. I’m going to give him notice to quit once this latest embarrassment is over.’

‘Will there be a row?’

‘Bound to be, he'll resent being told to walk.’

I left a pregnant pause, then said in my best conspiratorial voice; ‘What would happen if he, was to leave you?’

‘I'd be all meek and mild, he'd be on his way within minutes. You’ve had one of your ideas!’

‘Well, after you rang, I contacted Don Wooley and told him to get on the night-sleeper pronto, I’ve sent my assistant to find him. The idea is that he and Charlie should shadow Buffy around the course taking pictures. He’s up against Mrs Armitage, now she is cool headed, knows her limits, will keep her head down and not be distracted. She’ll play it safe and come in close to whatever is par for her. I’m assuming at some point Buffy will get frustrated and start messing around. Two or three shots over par at one hole will give Ada the match. However, a still photo of turf flying and a ball failing to take-off will often show a facial expression of anger or madness, right?’

‘Absolutely. But how does that help me?’

‘Suppose I could persuade Don to hold off publishing the pictures until he has a proper tabloid story to go with them? A kiss and tell perhaps. “Inside Buffy’s Downing Street” or something?’

‘He’d think it the ultimate betrayal. But it could backfire awfully! I don’t want to be chucked out of the club, and I want the pub to remain a success.’

‘That’s why, whatever you’ve got to tell, you tell to another club member. Don values his membership as much as anyone, and he’s already a keeper of Buffy’s secrets. You have to trust him to judge how much of what you say finds its way into the paper and how it’s spun.’

86: Money goes to money

‘Oh, there you are. You disappeared to get the post ages ago!’

‘I’m gobsmacked.’

‘By whom?’

‘By what. This cheque from The Beacon, it’s massive!’

‘Are well, royals, that’s a different league all together.’

‘Perhaps I was wrong to turn down Don’s offer to act as agent and sell the pics on.’

‘No. Wise decision. A good reputation for discretion, is worth more in the long run.’

‘You still think they won’t mind about me doing the exclusive for The Countrywoman?’

‘It’s not what you do, it’s the way that you do it. A small regional magazine exclusive, authored by the photographer, highlighting good works rather than high jinks. No problem.’

‘You going to drive me to Jack’s garage then?’

‘Yes. As long as you promise to bring number one car straight back here and garage it, and put the car cover over it.’

‘Very good, sir.’

‘I’ll hang around for a while, then return and park out front. I know, it’s a silly conceit. But you’d be amazed how unobservant the average person is. And at the very least we get a good laugh out of it, we might even gain some as yet unknown advantage.’

‘Tuffy didn’t notice when we loaded the picture frames.’

‘There’s nothing average about Tuffy!’

I returned in time for lunch. ‘Here. Take a look at this.’ Said Charlie, passing over a print-out whilst we were sat at the kitchen table. ‘It’s a programme for Melisa, one whole night shadowing the manager at the shelter, then a day off, then a day in the shop, a day at the halfway house and a day in the office including a committee meeting.’

‘Looks good, a teacher will visit at some point, worth finding out when.’

‘Oh, right.’ Then the doorbell rang. ‘That will be her now, I’ll let her in.’

As Melisa came on through, she said; ‘Love the new car, Tony!’

Charlie collapsed in hysterics.

‘And there’s nothing average about Mel either!’ I asserted.

‘What’s going on?’

‘Tony reckons no one will notice the new car, it being so similar to the other one. He thinks we can go on pretending to have one, when in fact be have two. Our mews garage looks like a single, but is in fact long enough to take the two.’

‘That’s cool. Actually, I think he might be right about most people.’

‘Here! Charlie has worked out a programme.’ I handed over the piece of paper.

‘That should be great, thanks.’

‘Have some lunch.’

‘Okay. Dad will be here to pick me up in about fifteen minutes, said he wants a catch-up.’

‘I could show you the treatment room.’ Said Charlie.

‘Magic.’

‘So, this guy just walks straight up to me and says, I believe you’re an old friend of Anthony’s, like he knows you. Turns out it is his brother who met you years ago. But anyway...’ We were coming down the stairs after our conversation in the media room. ‘Are you ready Melisa?’

A moment later they emerged from the treatment room. Charlie and I stood by the front door and watched them go. ‘Did Barmy say anything about the car?’

‘No, hasn’t noticed yet.’

‘How much does it cost us going by car to your great cathedral city?’

‘Well, it used to cost, two or three quid I suppose, plus parking fees.’

‘I’m losing money every day I don’t pay that cheque in.’

‘True.’

‘Archie already thinks I’m saving too much, when I should be investing.’

‘That’s his job, buyer beware. Only ever invest amounts you can afford to lose.’

‘How much is that?’

‘Well, it’s different for everybody, but traditionally the rule of thumb is twenty per cent of your overall assets.’

‘What’s good to invest in then?’

‘First mistake. You should only be considering things you know about, things where you are confident of your level of expertise. Never trust people who invest, that is spend, other people’s money. Even with things like charities, those who donate should actually be able to see, literally, where their money is going. That’s why local charities tend to be more ethical.’

‘The only thing I’m meant to know about is sports and leisure.’

‘There is another aspect to investing you might want to consider, there are those people who are what you might call, investors for influence rather than profit, people who own a few per cent of a business, then exploit their rights to the full, call people to account at shareholder’s meetings, sometimes sit on boards, know their company law back to front.’

On our next foray to the Park, Charlie asked; ‘How much is the whole stables enterprise costing?’

‘An arm and a leg, probably. I’m making it half a dozen or so contracts, spread over several years. It has certain nightmare scenarios. Like almost reaching completion only to find new wrought iron gates don’t quite hang properly, that sort of thing.’

‘God!’

‘And it’s a very long-term investment, indulgence you might say. Just raises the value of the leases on the bungalows really. You can’t have astronomical management fees otherwise it defeats the point of what are in essence retirement properties. But the entire grounds will look forever neglected if it isn’t sorted.’

‘Then is that it, for improvements?’

‘Apart from all the never-ending stuff, replacing pipes, better insulation, developing our own sources of energy etc. You do it bit by bit over very long periods to try to absorb the cost.’

‘Talking of investments.’ I said as we entered the bar; ‘I spy a forum addict. Cat!’

‘Tony, Charlie. I heard that!’ He said looking up from his mobile. ‘And you’re right of course. What I’ve been a bit slow to pick up on, is how the portal, well all sorts of social media I suppose, interacts, is part of real life. I always tell myself to go into the portal before setting-out, not always possible, but you can’t just turn up here anymore and find out what’s happening by idle chat because people announce and report, post photos and videos online, then assume when you buy them a drink that you’ve already consumed all that!’

‘The online club has become integral you mean; you can’t be part of one without the other.’

‘I know by the standards of the Internet that the advertising is pretty tame, but none the less it is a bit intrusive.’

‘Well, speaking as the principal administrator, it’s either that or accept above inflation increases in fees. I spend too much time in the portal too, I suppose what we really need is a marketing manager, for the Park as a whole.’

‘Geeky, tech savvy.’

‘Therefore young. Classy, stylish...’

‘Country bred, a face, who can handle the media.’

‘Female.’

‘I’m still here you know! I may be ferreting behind this bar, but I can hear every word.’ So piped-up Charlie.

‘But you know what we mean!’

‘Sure, but it would probably cost you seventy grand to get one full-time, you know.’

‘Good lord!’

‘I say!’

‘What you need Holmes, is Fiona.’

‘Who’s Fiona!’ Said Cat and I in unison.

‘You are slow sometimes, you go on about observational awareness, but miss it, her that is, when she’s staring you in the face.’

‘Go on.’

‘The face of Jack’s Classic Cars, the pretty but smart, front of house, who enchants the rich but dim punters, is the same Fiona who once worked at Macy’s and ensnared Tuffy years ago.’

‘Good lord!

‘I say!’

‘Precisely, sirs.’

‘But we’ll never entice her away from Jack, if she’s all you say she is.’

‘You won’t have to, most of what you need is online, right? I know she likes her job, but a lot of the time she just has to sit there waiting for the next customer, offer her a package. Staff privileges when she needs to be the face here, which is more than likely evenings and weekends, plus ten or fifteen hours or whatever, done from some sort of encrypted programme on Jack’s computer.’

‘Sod that, I’ll provide the hardware thank you very much.’

‘Well, there you are then. Another drink, gentlemen?’

‘Thanks. You know Cat, I think we should get a negotiator on site right away.’

‘Oh, absolutely.’ He replied, as we both stared at Charlie.

‘What’s the finder’s fee?’

‘Good lord!’

‘I say!’

81: The fall and rise

Good Friday found us at Checkley Manor as usual. ‘Does anyone remember the old-style fun fairs?’ I said to the kitchen table at large. ‘How they always had a shooting gallery, you could shoot down figures one at a time in a long line...’

‘And!’ Said Uncle.

‘Buffy’s happy few, his band of brothers are falling at an ever-increasing rate. And yet, new figures keep appearing as if by magic.’

‘Are you going to do anything about Tuffy’s attempt to blackball him from the club?’ Asked Charlie.

‘Ah, thank you for reminding me.’

Later, when alone in the grounds I put in a call to Cat. ‘Er, actually old man, Tuffy’s complaint is in the pending tray for the time being; fact is, Buffy’s membership is currently lapsed.’

‘Explain.’

‘Well, you know how membership renewal depends on the receipt of fees and the clearing of your account, well Buffy has stood a lot of bar bills in the last year, he’s been sent a reminder and all that, but he has slipped over the renewal date.’

‘I see. I think I might just drop a hint to Carrie.’

‘Might be as well, apparently, they’ll be at the cottage this weekend, bit embarrassing if she has to sign him in! Also, you might care to explain to Tuffy that under our rulebook you can only expel someone for behaviour whilst at the club, and that doesn’t include when the premises are being used for other purposes.’

‘Cat?’

‘Tony, old son.’

‘You couldn’t do me a quick favour, check bookings for the ballroom and if it’s free on Easter Monday, book it out to me for the whole day.’

‘Carrie!’

‘Ah, Tony. The voice of sanity.’

‘Bless you. Er, sorry to do this, bit embarrassing really...’

‘I doubt it, not when viewed from Downing Street.’

‘Yes, quite, the fact is, Buffy’s membership of the club has lapsed, failure to pay fees and settle his account.’

‘Shit! I told him, when I renewed. Hang on.’

For once she forgot to press mute; ‘I’m not bloody made of money! Tell him the cheque is in the post.’

‘Is it?’

‘Yes!’

‘Will it bounce?’

Then, after a long pause; ‘Tony?’

‘Carrie.’

‘He says there is a cheque in the post.’

‘Tell him, if he plans on visiting, make it Monday, but you may have to sign him in if the money hasn’t arrived.’

‘Very well, and Tony, I haven’t forgotten you were the one who persuaded me to return to the blighter.’

‘Running out on us again!’ So said Uncle when I announced our intention of leaving a few hours early.

‘Well only by half a day.’

‘All the same, what progress in the vines?’

‘I’ve brought you up to date with the pruning and tying.’

‘And what moves in the woods Charlotte?’

‘Your new eastern European hiring is a lot further on with the charcoal burners, than he is with his comprehension of English!’

On arrival at the Park, I took a direct line to the office, there to commune with the club secretary. ‘The ballroom is all yours, the PM’s debts got paid by money transfer late Friday, from some unrecognisable company account at a bank on Grand Cayman, and the man himself is working the room, the lounge that is, at this very moment.’

‘Excellent!’ I replied, exiting immediately towards the veranda bar, that being the best vantage point from which to observe Buffy’s progress. Much to my surprise, I found Bernard and Brinkley propping up the bar, in the company of Henry Walpole no less. ‘I say, what ho, Walpole! You know it’s a complete waste of time touting for briefs from Bernard, he likes to do his own advocacy.’

‘You forget Anthony, I’ve been put out to grass, by my wife.’

‘Yes of course, must be a bit of a wrench at times. And the two of you, a rare sighting indeed.’

‘Well, we are semi-retired Tony, Lawrence and I are entitled to our occasional indulgences. And as Walpole was saying, it’s always worth taking a look at the locus in quo.’

‘Something my old pupil master used to say.’

‘You should be swapping old anecdotes about Sparkwell QC, Charlotte’s daddy. Bernard’s suffered at his hands too!’

‘What brings you here Tony?’ Asserted Bernard.

‘Oh, just on our way back from my uncle’s place.’

‘Here to keep an eye on our esteemed Prime Minister?’ Suggested Brinkley.

‘Yes, alright then. Talking of which, would you excuse me a moment?’

‘How are you Prime Minister?’

‘Ah! Anthony. Under savage pressure as it happens.’

‘Ah, yes. Playing the international statesman, the war leader in waiting. Must take it out of you, but goes down well with the voters no doubt.’

‘I trust you’re not here to gloat?’

‘By no means. Indeed, I’m here to offer you what I just know you will find an amusing diversion from the cost-of-living crisis.’

‘Oh, yes?’

‘A short commemorative video of your previous visits.’

‘What!’ A micro expression of alarm crossed his face.

‘If you and Carrie would care to step this way, I’ve arranged a little private viewing in the ballroom.’

I whispered to Charlie, to ask her former handler come mentor from the security detail to lock us in, from the outside, and after a moment or two’s chat, he did!

‘What’s going on? Where’s my protection gone?’

‘I thought the four of us might appreciate a little privacy.’

The large screen worked remarkably well, despite the variable quality of the images in Carry-On Prime Minister. It also benefited from a little program I’d acquired for the removal of layers of ambient noise from audio recordings. Our little half hour movie featured sequences all the way from Buffy’s first landing on what was now the eighteenth green, to his post-run Haka!

When it finally came to an end there was a long silence before Buffy spoke; ‘Now that, ladies and gentlemen, is how to deliver a threat. Notice how he saves your blushes Charlie; you’re just simply portrayed as the innocent waitress. The editing is outrageous, talk about hashtag - context collapse!’ He then buried his face in his hands for about a count of ten, before asserting; ‘So, who apart from us has seen this?’

‘Only my co-producer Barmy, and my co-owner the Earl.’

‘You sure about that?’

‘Oh, yes. And of course, it can stay that way.’

‘I can burn you, as much as you can burn me.’

‘Well, no not really.’

‘What?’

‘All I have to do is send a copy of this to the media. You on the other hand have had two and a half years to fatten your dossier on me, and got nowhere.’

‘You can’t possibly know that.’

‘True, but what I can know with one hundred percent certainty, is that I never do anything, only the Trust does things, and it was entirely reconstituted before the summit. You, are up against a legal brick wall.’

‘What do you want?’

‘Full implementation of the Flotterton Manifesto.’

‘What?’

‘Everything outlined in Rory’s speech.’

‘I know what you bloody meant! That speech you wrote for him was pure fantasy.’

‘I didn’t write a word. I admit I was present when Rory, relaxing in the lounge after a massage from Charlie, came up with his ideas whilst staring deep into the log fire. Besides it doesn’t have to be practical. It merely has to inspire, create the right direction of travel. Oh, and one other small thing. A safe seat for Frimley Coates. After all, in fifteen years or so, he’d be your natural successor.’

‘Aren’t you forgetting something Tony?’ Chipped in Carrie; ‘All the other people who have him by the short and curly what’s it’s!’

‘Am I Buffy?’

There was another pregnant pause, filled only by Charlie asking innocently; ‘How did all this arch enemy stuff start anyway?’

‘It all goes back to the Scripture Knowledge Prize. I noticed just the other day that you’d claimed to have won it, again.’

‘But I did!’

‘Over the heads of better men, by the most brazen swindling methods, “breath-taking impertinence” - weren’t those the headmaster’s words?’

‘Something of the sort, can’t say I remember precisely.’

‘No, they say psychopaths don’t remember pain. But what I do remember was that the Head went on to give a speech bemoaning the passing of corporal punishment, and his inability to tenderise your arse.’

Then Buffy began to laugh. A moment later he said, smiling; ‘Anthony, you are a one-man walking nudge unit.’

‘Well thank you, you’re too kind, Prime Minister.’

‘I don’t buy it.’ So said Charlie as we were crossing the carpark.

‘Just as well, cos’ it ain’t for sale!’

‘What went down back there? You had him on the rocks, yet he walked away with a spring in his step.’

‘I showed him a way out, not just from me, but from everyone else gunning for him. It’s the game Charlie, the motivation is in the thrill of getting away with it.’

75: The long day out

‘It never seems right, seeing the river so full of pleasure craft.’

‘Daphne! Yes indeed, never more stylish than when the Navy dominated.’

‘I think one of my ancestors was invited to review the college, before World War One.’ Chipped in Barmy.

‘Ah, one forgets, it wasn’t until the first decade of the twentieth century, that the British press started painting Germany as the enemy.’

We were all on the ferry crossing the river, to the one railway station in Britain that never had any tracks.

‘So, you see Mel, what is now a cafe, once had a booking office where you could buy a ticket to anywhere in the country.’

‘I’ve brought your book back.’

‘Excellent. I anticipated such an outcome and have brought along a new volume.’

‘More adventures?’

‘Of a slightly different kind. A book about Sherlock Holmes, written by a female PhD in psychology. Here, let’s do a swap right now, whilst we’re out of sight.’

‘God! Isn’t it going to be a bit advanced?’

‘I doubt it. I don’t know what the adults say about teenage frustrations these days, in my day everything was blamed on puberty, anyway don’t listen to any of it, your frustrations are about having an underused brain.’

‘You are terribly politically incorrect Tony.’

‘Oh, thank you very much.’

‘Mummy has taken charge of the packed lunches, could do with a drink right now. I bet they’ll snag all the wine for themselves.’

‘Ah, now, there’s a point. I should tell you on the quiet. Your father has never had a good head for alcohol, perhaps your mother is concerned you might have inherited it, apart from the fact that the female frame is smaller and therefore glass for glass, more susceptible to intoxication. Of course, she could also be worried about the prospect of man overboard. Anyway, how did you find the Adventures?’

‘Great. The opening story made me think of Daddy’s alleged grand connections, they came from Bohemia, born on the wrong side of some royal bed. Not the Grubers, obviously, his mother’s side.’

‘Hereditary bastards of Bohemia, sounds like a good title for a book, well, well, not the kind of ancestors to shout about.’

‘Is it true Grandpa used to be a spook?’

‘Snooper, not spook, well that’s the rumour, never actually had it confirmed. It is your mother’s father we’re talking about?’

‘Yes, he always says he was a civil servant. So, what’s a snooper then?’

‘Ah, well. First there were codebreakers, reaching back into the mists of time. Then add in military signals intelligence, Morse code and all that. Then whole networks of electric telegraphs, telephones, radio and finally the internet, all to be snooped upon.

‘Grandpa’s never been much of a one for tinkering.’

‘No, he, allegedly, got involved with how to interpret the product. Thing is, in recent times the US and UK have had the capacity to eavesdrop on all electronic communications from around the globe. So much data, that you have to come up with a system for the computers to filter it all for you. Then, how do humans set about interpreting what might or might not, be a threat...’ We were interrupted by a shout from over yonder.

‘I say! Are you two coming?’ It was Tuffy, gesturing from the riverboat. Everyone else it seemed was already on board.

‘Tuffy seems excited about his day out.’

‘Too excited. He’s taken to carrying his father’s hipflask.’ So said the Lady Vic.

‘Thank goodness it’s a small one, he hasn’t got his grandfather’s snuff box on him?’

‘Oh, I’ve not heard about that.’

‘Tried it at school once, but only the once.’

‘The thing is, he indicated he’s not too clever on boats, you’re not in a position to elaborate I suppose?’

‘I can’t ever remember being on boat with Tuffy.’

We made steady, one might say sedate, progress up the estuary, nonetheless a bit of a cross wind did give us a slight roll, along with the wakes of passing craft. Cat was getting into his stride as a tour guide. After a lengthy discourse on the naval college, taking us well passed the actual location itself, he barely had time to catch his breath before starting his preamble to our view of Greenway. Given Christie lived a long time, and indeed grew-up just down the road, there was a certain logic to giving a potted biography before the river narrowed and we came alongside the place she spent her declining years.

‘Looks like some sort of river crossing here.’ Said Walpole.

‘Oh, indeed. In modern times there always seems to have been a local boatman willing to ferry people across. But the village on the west bank has at least a thousand-year history, part of the church was started in Norman times, the tides are quite strong but at low tides it’s the last point on river that’s fordable, that’s why the village existed, why there was a road on which to build Greenway.’

‘One would never think it.’

‘Fords are often built-up and straightened artificially with river gravels, have to be maintained of course, remarkable how deep you can take a coach and four...’

Then suddenly he interrupted me; ‘I say, that Tufnell fellow is looking rather green about the gills.’

‘Serve him right for drinking too much.’

‘You know I once had cause to view the body of a man who died from poisoning, he had just that kind of distorted face.’

Sure enough, a moment or two later there was the sound of retching, and the sight of Tuffy bent over the side. ‘I’ll see what I can do,’ said Charlotte.

‘No Charlie, let him be, he’s Vic’s responsibility now.’

‘Really?’

‘Oh, yes. Discretion being the better part of valour and all that.’

‘Very good, sir.’

After what seemed like hours, there was a palpable feeling of relief all round when we finally made landfall.

Cat marshalled us on the quayside; ‘Let’s stick together till the river bridge, then I can show you where we’ll be picked-up.’

‘The railway sidings used to run as far as here.’ I said, falling in with Walpole again; ‘Shame the preservationists of the other line going towards the Moor, never thought of including it.’

‘That would have meant permissions, in and out of the BR station in two directions, unthinkable at the time.’

‘Alas.’

‘Alack.’

‘Now then,’ said Cat pausing to address us all. ‘The bus will be on the hotel side of the road, access to the castle is via the main street, follow me group.’ And with that he promptly turned away, with our erstwhile neighbour taking his arm. Charlie and I followed behind. I’d previously decided there was no getting out of it.

A minute or two later my loyal confederate whispered in my ear; ‘Don’t look round but we’re not being followed!’

I waited until we were passing under the famous archway before looking back down the hill. With the exception of Mrs Walpole looking in a gift shop window, there was no sign of anybody.

Sparkwell and I sat side by side on the park bench outside the entrance to the castle. Having consumed our cans of red wine with the beef sandwiches whilst on the boat, we now rewarded ourselves with the cheese sarnies and water!

‘You do realise we have less sex than we used to.’

‘Really? I hadn’t noticed.’

‘Well neither had I. It only came to me by accident.’

‘It doesn’t bother you?’

‘No. Well, not until I started wondering about whether it should. It’s kind of unfamiliar territory to me, being with someone for so long. I mean, I’d heard from others that things drop off.’

‘An unfortunate turn of phrase. Fact is, this is all rather unfamiliar to me too.’

We were prevented from further discussion by Cat and his companion emerging from the castle. She was saying; ‘So, the proper beacon hills to the west and east are both higher but out of sight, because we are lower than the surrounding hills, despite being at the high point in the valley. Is that what you are saying?’

74: Packed lunch provided

I had feared we’d be barely out of the Park carpark before someone started on their packed lunch. As it happened, most people simply had a poke about, resisting temptation. Contained within each brown paper package, with handles, was a bottle of our water, a can of red wine and a miniature, two rounds of sandwiches (one beef, one cheese) and of course, an apple.

I was most impressed with the coach, its sleek curved lines, manufactured with detail and care in the nineteen fifties. The thought given to offering real support to the seating, real visibility out of the windows. The two-tone paint job was pleasing to the eye too, but nonetheless it was the same design, though then in plainer colours, which had taken all kinds of passengers on cross country journeys for many years. It was simply a more civilised way to travel than what was to follow. It did however, demand more of the driver, but then that was no bad thing. I was brought out of my reverie by Mrs Walpole’s voice behind me. ‘Don’t you find the country so much more romantic than the city Walpole?’

‘Yes, it still has dirt and grime. Cities are so hygienic these days.’

‘Oh, really!’

Before we were allowed off the coach at the bus station opposite the steam railway, Cat as ‘teacher in charge’ gave us detailed instructions regarding the itinerary, especially where we were to be picked-up again by the coach at the end of the day.

As we dismounted, I said; ‘Cat, I think I’ve spotted the flaw in your plan.’

‘Oh, I say! Really?’

‘We’re to be picked-up at the main bus stop, which is next door to the most famous hotel stroke pub, south of the Moor. Both of which, along with the river on which we will have arrived are at the bottom of the hill. And yet, you expect us all to take a hike up to the top of the town, before entering the castle. I doubt many will get beyond the pub.’

‘But surely Charlotte will have you taking the exercise?’ So said the lady from number forty-two.

‘Oh, absolutely.’

‘Alistair has promised to explain to me, why there was a need to have two beacon hills.’

‘Oh really! You’ve been brushing up on our local history then Cat?’

Getting to the train involved leaving the bus station, crossing a busy road, walking alongside the entrance to the conventional railway station, crossing over it at the level crossing, all before entering the space on the far side of the tracks dedicated to the steam railway. We must have resembled a co-educational school ‘crocodile’ by the end of it. Walpole commented; ‘Brutal, isn’t it. Worse than the Berlin Wall.’

‘You are aware of the story Harry?’

‘Oh, indeed. Everyone just calls me Walpole by the way. British Railways was really quite hostile to the preservation movement.’

‘My husband spent many years going on circuit. He used to enjoy the days of Brown Windsor soup.’

‘Yes, I was first introduced to that way of life by my old pupil master...’

‘That and the railway claret.’ She added.

‘Oh, really. Helene! No, BR, rather than cooperate with the enthusiasts, who of course were in large part ex-railway employees, divided the station in two, and sold off the accompanying land, all the way down the line, to the relevant local authorities, and in the process destroyed any possibility of a faithful preservation.’

‘What truly bothered me as a young lad, was the fakery of the rolling stock, again quite unnecessary.’

‘Thank goodness they’ve given us a coach rather than that “chocolate and cream” observation car, which should really be in southern region green and given to another railway altogether!’

‘It dates from that period when the Atlantic Coast Express tried to make it’s buffet cars look like pubs, doesn’t it?’

‘You’re far too young to remember them!’

‘Every inch of film has gone onto DVD, and now is mostly online too.’

‘Yes of course, so much easier to be an enthusiast these days.’

‘Just a lot less to be enthusiastic about!’

Our reserved carriage, was a mark one British Railways coach, an open second as it happened, which any self-respecting train spotter would recognise. None of them had gone into service before nineteen fifty-one, either in a maroon, or a ‘blood and custard’ livery, yet we were confronted with one painted in traditional Great Western Railway ‘chocolate and cream’ and with an ascribed name!

‘Come on, it’s the seat that counts.’ Said Walpole.

We were quick enough to grab a double table, but were disappointed as our bottoms sunk to an uneven halt. ‘Damn it! You’d have thought they’d have the courtesy to stuff them properly once in a while.’

‘Really Walpole, are you going to find fault with everything. They are volunteers after all.’

I tried to be conciliatory; ‘Well, we won’t be travelling at more than twenty-five miles an hour.’

‘Now there’s another thing. I put to you members of the jury, that throughout its life as part of the GWR, this was a main line - the Bay Express left Paddington daily - it had to be, it carried thousands of navy cadets to the Royal Naval College. It may be a single track from here on but the terminus was designed to take the largest trains and maintain the largest locomotives. Why both Princess Elisabeth and Phillip Mountbatten travelled this way before the war...’

‘Oh, do be quiet Walpole! It’s not your job to make speeches anymore.’

‘In that case I shall make a start on my can of wine.’

‘Dare one mention Agatha Christie? She was most certainly a regular traveller on this line.’ I asserted as we cantered along between beach and countryside.

‘Oh, I do like a good Christie, do you Anthony? Walpole disagrees, as usual.’

Harry had his can open, so I continued whilst I had the chance. ‘I think she improved a lot over the years; indeed, I think her final Miss Marple novels were her best. A character not that different from herself.’

‘I wonder if these crime writers would actually be any good at solving real life crimes?’ Asked Charlie.

‘Ah! Now you’ve put your finger on the bull point, young Charlotte.’ Asserted Walpole. ‘I must say this wine is real quite acceptable Anthony, better than the crude Bordeaux type usually available to an Old Bailey hack. No, I doubt very much whether any of the so-called crime writers would make a good detective.’

‘Oh, come now Walpole, the only fiction you every read is Sherlock Holmes!’

‘Yes, but Mrs Walpole,’ I interceded; ‘Conan Doyle knows he’s not a great detective, he’s tried his best to be a student of Dr Bell at Edinburgh, but he knows his limits as a diagnostician, part of the reason he’s turned to writing.’

‘Thank you, Anthony. My point entirely.’ Then the train came to a gentle, but unexpected standstill in the middle of nowhere.

After a minute or so Walpole opened the window; ‘We’ve not arrived at Adlestrop by any chance?’

‘I hate the way literary types go on about Adlestrop. They quite fail to realise the location was irrelevant, that what Thomas was describing was an experience known and understood by millions.’

‘Absolutely.’ Replied Walpole.

‘What experience is this?’ Asked Charlotte.

‘Riding an Express, you suddenly feel the driver take the power off in the middle of nowhere, the train slowly slows down, clearly not an emergency, he lets it roll, hoping for a green signal so as to pick up speed again, trying to avoid stopping altogether because of the work and time that involves. But after a couple of minutes, he has no choice but to stop at a red signal. The noise and vibration cease, as the minutes tick by the passengers hearing adjusts, if a window isn’t open, someone opens one. The sounds of the countryside become the background, there is sense of peace and stillness within the train, however busy the world is outside. The fact that this happened to the poet at a halt on the mainline to Worcester in nineteen fifteen is just so much context, it’s only sixteen lines long as it is.’

‘Still worthy of inclusion in anyone’s edition of the Oxford Verse though.’ As Walpole spoke, we began to move again and proceeded without incident to the end of the line.