150: A month in the country

As usual I was feeling hard pressed to do all that needed to be done before we left for our annual summer vacation, or ‘working holiday’ as Charlie prefers to call it.

I was catching up with a recent tv report on the Abbey station, their hook being that in the act of digging up the carpark, to reinstate platform four, we’d discovered the original dressed stones which had once made up the then higher wall around the town side of the property. In truth of course the rail enthusiasts had long suspected the stones were there and anticipated the need to raise the wall again to reduce noise levels with the return of steam, help obscure the view from the public park opposite and generally better secure the site. Still, the news report amply served our purpose, deflecting as it did attention away from complaining car lovers who nonetheless liked to regularly commute to the capital by train. Then I was interrupted with; ‘A postal communication from the Palace of Westminster, sir!’

‘Good lord!’

‘Indeed, the House of Lords, sir.’

I hastily opened and attended to the letter in question; ‘Blah, blah, blah, oh my lord, Frimley what are you getting into? We’d better go. I’ll explain in the car.’

‘Well, on the face of it, it’s just the noble lord sending me a flyer for the three-day annual meeting of his Constitution Group at the Park. Book now to avoid disappointment, as it were.’

‘But you never do attend.’

‘Precisely. However, it also contains a schedule of the highlights on offer, including a debate on “Civil Service Non-compliance” to be led by one Buffy Trumpton.’

‘I’d hoped we’d seen the last of him.’

‘Quite. Another session on the “repeal and restore thesis”, whatever that is, led by some historian and one on the adoption of the “Flotterton Manifesto” led by Lord Bittadon.’

‘I thought you said Rory was writing a thriller, and he doesn’t like Buffy any more than we do.’

‘Hence Frimley’s covering note, I quote; “My dear fellow I feel I must warn you that the speech you inspired in the former Honourable Rory years ago, and later taken up by my former benefactor, may have returned to haunt us all” Exclamation mark.’

‘I didn’t know Rory was an Honourable.’

‘He’s the above-mentioned Lord Bittadon now, his father recently died.’

‘Oh my god! There’s talk Prue has gone back to him, you don’t think...’

‘More than likely.’

‘So, what you’re saying is, all that nonsense you made up on the spur of the moment whilst staring into the fire with Rory and which appeared in The Beacon is now being taken seriously as future government policy?’ She said, as we unloaded at the back of Checkley Manor.

‘Yes, amongst the right-thinking. Frimley’s group is attempting to straddle the gulf between the once great party and all the disaffected of the last ten years.’ I replied as we came to a halt in the hall. ‘It’s awfully quiet in here, we must be on time for once.’

We found our usual accommodation ready for us. But when we reached the big kitchen there was no sign of life. We finally tracked them down in the library, sat opposite each other, both absorbed in their respective screens. ‘What ho, what ho, aged aunt, your lordship.’

‘Well, I’ll be damned. You’re on schedule. Well done, Charlotte. Can’t be easy, bringing this one to heal.’

‘Well done Charlotte indeed! Take a look at this.’ Said the aunt. We leered at her screen, it showed a mock-up of the cover of the next issue of The Countrywoman, it was a photo of Charlie laughing with Mr and Mrs HRH with the headline, Countrywoman Correspondent Honoured at Windsor.

‘Two too many words, Countrywoman Correspondent Honoured, is better. Your discerning readers will know it can’t be Buck House by the shape of the windows.’

‘Not too tabloid?’

‘You can never be too tabloid.’

Over lunch, Uncle exclaimed; ‘Gregson introduced me to your student gardener the other day. You kept that one quiet. Odd lad, seemed more interested in the house than the estate.’

‘I’m afraid I gave him a copy of the book when he was on placement at the Park, he became as fascinated with the people as much as the landscape.’

‘I see.’

‘Tim, as you might imagine comes from generations of cap-doffing outdoor staff, he has no time for such deference, but his ambition is not for revolution, he’s after a piece of the action.’

‘Shacked-up with his girlfriend over at the cottage as we speak, I must say that’s very liberal minded of Mrs Gregson.’

‘One rule for the rich, beloved?’ Said Julia with deep irony.

‘What?’

‘I say, Uncle, how’s your health? No family history of heart attacks or seizures?’

‘No!’

‘Said girlfriend is the eldest child and heir to one Barnabas Gruber.’

‘Holy Moses!’

‘The vomiting bridesmaid?’

‘One and the same dearest aunt.’

‘Now you listen up, Anthony. This could spell disaster for all of us if it gets out of hand, you still cooperating with this, Gruber?’

‘Uncle, we shared a dorm at school!’

Then Charlie weighed in with; ‘The same could be said of Buffy Trumpton, remind me, how did that work out?’

‘Barmy, now a subject of the Crown, let me assure you, has turned himself into a charitable foundation, much along the lines of the Trust, I’ve just accepted a seat on their board.’

‘And what of the daughter?’

‘In fairness to Tony, Melisa’s been in and out of our place at least a couple of times a week for years, I realise now he’s been mentoring her from the start. I think you can be reassured on those grounds, sir.’

And after a pause; ‘Thank you Charlotte, you’re a blessing, who knows where we’d be without your steady hand. Sometimes I fear for England.’

‘I think you’ll find it’s been this United Kingdom for the last three hundred years.’

And so it all began, our month in the country, it turned out Melisa was only dropping by at weekends, too hugger-mugger with Jack at the workshop and dropping by Royal Oak. I’d gone alone to see the good captain before we left town. I suggested the time might be right, to write inviting Mrs HRH alone, to be patron. The wording would be everything, I asserted as I handed him a draft. ‘It’s very short!’ He responded.

‘Yes. You offer her a free hand, ask nothing but for the privilege.’

In time I bumped into Tim, whilst roaming the grounds. He had his eye in, mentioned south facing slopes conducive to modern commercial orchards, vineyards? I showed him the walled garden and the cellar, normally off-limits to Gregson. ‘But, there’s nothing inevitable about the peninsula becoming the next Bordeaux, this warming could be in retreat in another thirty years. We adapt to what we see today.’ He agreed to help out with an early picking due to the dry weather. Then I hit him with; ‘What do you know about Melisa’s family?’

‘With respect sir, what do you know?’

‘Everything.’

‘Then, you’ll tell me what I need to know, when I need to know it?’

‘Tim, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.’

‘Sir?’

‘Closing line of a rather famous movie. A film about pragmatism, in time of war.’

149: Honours

It had begun some weeks earlier with a letter, as is so often the way. ‘Your mail, sir.’ So said Charlie as the silver salver hoved into view.

‘Wait a second, it’s addressed to you!’

‘I know, I want you to open it, read it, explain it, it’s one of those palace things again, besides you’re the one with the posh letter opener that won’t spoil the envelope.’

‘Okay. Now relax on the chaise lounge, it can hardly be bad news.’ And after a thirty second perusal; ‘Congratulations, you have now risen to the second rung of official respectability. There’s probably another garden party in it, think of that.’

‘It’s a bit quick; it’s only a few years since...’

‘Well, if you will hob knob with all these royals, making yourself agreeable all over the place.’

Then a while later we went through the whole rigmarole again. ‘But this will just be the date to turn up at County Hall, or whatever.’ I spoke.

‘No, the envelope is even posher, different insignia.’

‘I see.’ Pause for even more careful opening. ‘Ah, yes. Well, one letter and a hand written missive attached. You are to receive your honour personally at Windsor from Mr HRH on behalf of HM.’

‘Oh, no!’

‘Well, don’t get too excited, you’ll probably be stuck in the back row watching the celebs and time-serving officials become Sirs and Dames.’

‘But why? I mean it’s an honour but, as you said still pretty, lowly.’

‘Well, if I had to guess, I’d say he tries to include in every group at least half a dozen people he actual knows, break up the monotony of the whole thing. Anyway, the note is from Mrs HRH, please hang around afterwards and join us for one of our Teas for volunteers.’

‘What, my god!’

‘Bit of networking, meet others doing similar things, enhance your social status.’

‘Christ! What do I wear?’

‘Dress down.’

‘What?’

‘Your simple black dress with your normal valette heals will do very well, as I’m always telling you, your fitness and excellent posture say it all. I’ll stick with my formal business suit; the only touch of colour will be the old school tie.’

‘But, why?’

‘Because everyone else will be dressed up to the nines. We’ll stick out, like it’s a walk in the park, like it’s just another day, nothing special, like we belong!’

‘Where do we stay, we can’t do it in a day.’

‘Oh, some nice little friendly family B&B in the Windsor, Eton locale, quick taxi ride from the castle. Well, you don’t want to be with the hoi polloi in the expensive tourist’s hotels, do you?’

And so it came to pass, that after forty minutes of slow, shuffling-along and turning corners disorientation, we found ourselves in some antechamber to the main event deep inside the world’s largest functioning castle. Then the principals were asked to proceed whilst us significant others were told we could watch on the screen.

A moment later; ‘If you care to follow me, sir. There’s a more intimate viewing room down the corridor.’

‘I thought it was too much to hope for, getting through today without seeing you!’ But something about his intense look said, it will be to your advantage if you do. So, I did. When we arrived however, he closed the door behind me and stayed outside. There was only one other person in the room, she was sat demurely on the window seat.

‘I often come in here to watch.’

‘Always something new to learn? Your royal highness.’ I said with a gentle nod.

‘You’re a clever sod; you even look more at home than I do.’

‘It takes one to know one, ma’am.’

‘What’s the secret to soft power Anthony?’

‘Create an atmosphere that allows people to say what they really want, then give it to them.’

‘We want you with us at this Tea.’

‘Okay.’

‘And I want to be patron of Royal Oak. I want you to stand over Captain Forsyth when he writes the invitation, so it’s couched in terms I can accept.’

‘Consider it done.’

‘There won’t be any money from us, how are their finances?’

‘The Arlington Trust owns the house, they pay a cheap rent, a few modest benefactors including the captain himself. No public money and none asked for. I have a long-term substantial benefactor I’m in the process of, facilitating shall we say.’

‘Who?’

‘My old school friend Barnabas Gruber, he of German electronics fame, he's in the process of turning all his ill-gotten gains into a charitable foundation.’

‘Don’t know him.’

‘Ask matey guarding the door, he knows him.’

‘He knows everybody whose anybody!’ She said, standing up and moving closer to the screen.  ‘Look, all the knobs are now sat back in the front row; now they’ll have to endure the also-rans. He’ll do Charlotte last, make it obvious they know each other, end on a laugh. I liked her podcast.’

‘I was amazed she agreed to do it.’

‘The camera likes her I think.’

‘I’ve been telling her that for years, therefore don’t be self-conscious, just ignore it.’

‘Bloody hell! She’s got the casual curtsey off better than I have.’

‘All that waitressing down the years.’

‘And Ernie from the office, in there close with the video camera, that’ll upset the front row too.’

When it was all over and we were walking back to the guest house, getting some air, Charlie said; ‘Thank God you were here, I’d have lost it without you, especially that Tea. Perhaps they get that, maybe that’s why she collared you.’ Then after a pause; ‘Is it me? Or are these charitable people really quite competitive, bitchy types?’

‘Like, who’s got the husband with the fattest cheque book?’

‘God! I hadn’t thought of that.’

‘You looked good to me.’

‘You always say that.’

‘You were the only guest not afraid of the fine china!’

‘Well, that’s just waitressing and helping out at the club. They had the guy hovering with the video as always, not sure about that.’

‘Answers to the name of Ernie apparently.’

‘Nice to have the little photocall at the end though. What was it Mr HRH said to you?’

‘He said, I need not have bothered with the old school tie.’

‘So, he did notice then!’

‘Sure, but he said they send up a security file as fat as a book whenever I’m expected to be present.’

‘Why so big?’

‘Full of exchanges between Wainwright, who never liked me, and the security services who think I’m okay.’

‘She said you’d be seeing a lot more of her.’

‘I’ve no idea what she’s doing. Bit odd really, you’d have thought I’d have heard something by now.’

‘Well, I suggest you be more polite to my mentor in security.’

‘What, he knows about Wainwright?’

‘He said you’d made another caustic remark.’

‘What, does, he, know?’

‘She is the new, now let me get this right, Transport Police Liaison Officer, open brackets South West close brackets, for the Heritage Railway Association.’

‘Oh, Christ! Licenced to stick her nose into everything no doubt, the ultimate busybody.’

Having relieved the tensions of the day, Charlie put the tv on in our cosy hotel bedroom; ‘Maybe we’ll be on the box.’ And sure enough, but it was the event not us, with the famous being interviewed outside afterwards. ‘That’s a shame.’

‘But for the more discerning.’ I’d gone to the HRH’s social media account and now turned my mobile screen towards her; ‘The real action lies not with legacy media.’

‘Oh, that’s all right then, the walk, and the handshake at the end were okay. Still, nice picture of you though.’

146: Back to school

No one thought the boys would get away with it. No one from the headmaster upwards. The railway was sympathetic, and in the end went along with the lads wishes, but Walpole had visions of having to fight for it in the courts for years to come. But there we were, guests of the school, at the end of a school day, parading on the cricket field, there to witness the opening.

The new track had been laid a couple of weeks before, the replacement fencing gang soon caught up, but then came the debating, boys and railway volunteers insisting the ‘right of way’, long evidenced on old maps, must be levelled by using old wooden sleepers. Then the issue of the wooden kissing gates, wouldn’t they prevent bicycles being used? They would, but you can’t have it all.

In truth there was more to it than male enthusiasm for the view from the cricket ground. The reinstated short-cut gave easy access to the suburbia spreading ever outwards from the old market town, posh enough housing from which aspiring parents could send their offspring to the local private school. The day’s events had been preceded however, I was reliably informed, by a series of stern lectures from the headmaster himself on lineside safety and the placing of authentic looking noticing in apposite locations. Indeed, it wasn’t long after we’d arrived that my presence was spotted by the aforementioned. ‘Good afternoon, Headmaster.’

‘Arlington, here with your companion?’

‘Yes sir, she’s amongst the crowd, hoping to capture behind the scenes photos for The Countrywoman magazine.’

‘Might that involve some free publicity for us?’

‘Absolutely. The readers are your kind of parents?’

‘One would like to think so. After all, we’re being forced upmarket due to the taxes imposed by this government and the latest cost of living crisis.’

‘The kind of parents with the kind of boys impressed by a steam railway crossing the view from the boundary?’

‘We upgrade or die. Once the bursar was obsessed with mentioning IT on every page of the school brochure, now he slips-in the words traditional, conservation and heritage at every opportunity.’

‘Well, these days IT and heritage do rather complement each other, now speed is no longer of the essence.’

‘I’d never thought of it like that.’ As if on cue, a distant steam whistle could be heard. ‘So, what have you laid on for us?’

‘Well, I know what was planned, whether it will materialise I’m not at all sure. There is a strict weight restriction on the branch line river bridge leaving the town at the moment. And of course, as part of the deal with so called Great British Railways we had to cede control of signalling to Swindon of all places.’

‘Good lord! Still, I hear work on the bridge is proceeding apace.’

‘Indeed, managed to bounce the Environment Agency into action by having our own dredger on site inside three days. Ten days later the inspection of the base of the pillars was done. They were fine of course, but what wasn’t anticipated was the amount of silt we ended-up shifting out to sea. It seems by doing just that small section it has changing the course of the river downstream.’

‘My word!’

‘Yes, word has it that the draft that can reach the old town quay has increased considerably, the pleasure boaters are ecstatic...’ Suddenly it seemed the whole crowd before us were elated too, pupils and hangers-on. Cheering followed by applause, as the single coach with the little tank locomotive behind, hoved into view before coming to a halt just short of the new crossing.

‘It’s the real thing!’

‘Naturally, a genuine Great Western push-pull unit, a 14XX class loco preceded by an auto coach. Quite fragile these days, so normally only on static display, but for a special occasion, and a photo opportunity.’

‘Oh! You’ve done us proud.’

‘Do my eyes deceive me Headmaster, or are the girls as enthusiastic as the boys?’

‘I do believe you're right! I must be careful what I say, but that does seem a little suspicious to me.’

‘Boys and girls are different you mean?’

‘Yes, the girls have been a great source of concern of late.’

‘Really?’

‘We foolishly allowed a referendum over uniforms; the girls voted overwhelmingly for skirts! There are light refreshments to be had in the cricket pav, walk with me a moment my dear fellow, and I’ll explain all.’

‘You intrigue me strangely.’

‘Libraries become over time, great betrayers of the past. Is Ronald Searle a name to you?’

‘Of course, a true hero, survivor of the Japanese war camps.’

‘Exactly! The first thing you mention is the camps; the rest of his life cannot be fully appreciated unless you understand that.’

‘Agreed.’

‘A few years ago, a girl came across a volume of Searle’s collected cartoons in the library, the book circulated like wildfire, memes were unleashed. In the end I was forced to confiscate it. But I noticed it was a first edition, with a signed inscription by the author, enquiries were made, it turned out it had been donated by the boy who had solicited it, when he left the school.’

‘A valuable item.’

‘Indeed, so much so we put it in a display case in the hall alongside our other memorabilia. Alas, unintended consequences again. It has become something of a shrine.’

‘Dedicated to the goddess St. Trinian no doubt.’

‘Oh dear, I see Ms. Sparkwell has moved on to snapping the girls lounging with their elbows on the new fencing, I wonder if that’s wise?’

‘I can keep such pics out of the mag, if they turn out less than tasteful, sir.’

‘Would you? It’s just that, you can be sure every last one of those girls has made a close study of your companion’s podcast!’

The following day I was going about my early morning routine as usual, upstairs in the media room, pre-coffee as it were, when Sparkwell silently shimmered into the presence. With the absence of post on most days, she’d taken to delivering, on her silver salver, a bottle of the Crawford Park spa water, along with a gleaming clean glass containing a slice of fresh lemon. This meagre refreshment was intended to sustain me until eleven o’clock! Still, I appreciated the clink of glass on glass and the clunk of glass on silverware.

‘Frau Gruber has invited herself for morning coffee, sir?’

‘And what does she want?’

‘She did not confide in me, sir, merely enquired as to whether you were at home.’

We all assembled in the reception room at the appointed hour. After slightly perfunctory greetings, Charlie said; ‘Coffee?’

‘Wait a moment Charlotte, if you would. I’ll come straight to the point, Wieck is dead.’

‘Good lord.’

‘Blimey!’

‘Happened some time ago apparently. I was only told about it last week, a day before the funeral. Died at that awful flat of his, in a big old house just off from Worcester Shrub Hill station. Place used to be full of hippies as I remember. No accounting for taste.’

‘You were in the habit of visiting?’ I enquired.

‘Cover for Daddy, young niece being accompanied on visit to kindly uncle.’

‘Ken said once, the best assets are often quite unaware of what they are.’

‘Knock it off. The thing is, they’ve asked me to take over, as go-between, in whatever this business is you have with the security services, Barmy approves.’

‘I see.’

‘The message is, you’ll receive a package in the next few days, bundle of A4 paper. Once you’ve digested the documents, I’m to set up a meeting, somewhere neutral, somewhere secure. I’m told that if you’re content, you’ll hand over, whatever it is they can’t get their hands on.’

143: Road to nowhere

The new year may start slowly for some, but for us it had a vigour, not to say a vim. So far, my role within the new, old railway, had been one of facilitation and enlightened self-interest. Now, with more disruptive works coming, I needed to assert myself more. Any public discontent would not be ameliorated by consultation, only by practical evidence of improvement. Setting the right tone, the psychology of our restoration if you like, was paramount. As a non-executive director, I normally attended all the meetings that now took place in our boardroom at the Abbey station. But then came the day, when all the other board members foregathered without me, in expectation of watching a televised news conference, which they knew would happen, but which the rest of the county and the nation, most assuredly did not!

Charlie was driving me to this media event, which was being held at the headquarters of the national park, located in that modest town which serves as the main southern gateway to the Moor. On the way we were held up by traffic lights, due to restoration work underway at the town’s old railway station, the principal stop on the line to Morestead. Part of the works involved actually narrowing the road, Walpole having achieved a major coup by establishing that fifty years ago the local authority had acted illegally by pinching a three-foot-wide strip of land from the old British Railways.

Just as we were creeping forward, thinking these lights will change again any second, our dashboard screen sprung alight; ‘Blimey!’ Exclaimed Charlie.

‘Here we go, here we go, here we go...’

‘Shut-up!’ She said as we just escaped on amber. Then on the screen I could see a police patrol car appear from behind a hedge and take up position, up our arse, so to speak; ‘What does he want?’

‘Well,’ I speculated; ‘They’re not flashing at us, perhaps they’re here to escort us.’

‘There will be loads of VIPs, you’ll probably be the dodgiest one there.’

‘Quite. And we should be mindful of the fact this may be Sonia’s last chance, to have a go.’

‘Are you worried?’

‘Barmy and I have had contingency arrangements in place ever since he started doing government work.’

After being waved into our allotted parking, there was an almost immediate tap on the driver’s window from a suit, and as the window descended, so did a smiling face; ‘Charlie! Great to see you.’

‘Oh no, not you again.’ I groaned out loud.

‘Back by popular demand, with royal protection, sir. I’ll come round and escort you in.’

‘It’s because he’s an ex-marine.’ She said in our last moments of privacy.

‘I didn’t know that.’

On our way into the park authority building, security said; ‘The national park are hosting today, at your suggestion I’m told, so you’re alongside HRH as the major landowners, but slightly off to one side. The minister is the only speechmaker and the press haven’t been briefed, so questions will be limited. Speak later.’

‘I understand you are old friends, Anthony.’

‘In a manner of speaking, your royal highness.’

‘He’s back at the wife’s insistence, must be glad to be shot of the politicians. Be my feed when you think I need it. How’s Charlotte?’

‘Fine, in amongst the press, using the Trust’s mobile to take background pictures for The Countrywoman, but under embargo until after Kensington Palace, of course.’

‘Thank you. You’d be surprised how many Duchy farm kitchens have a copy of that mag open on the table.’

‘May I pass that on, sir?’

‘You may.’

The nation’s transport supremo could be seen bustling through the melee towards us; ‘Your royal highness. Arlington, I want you to know I’m only going along with this because Brenda has me by the balls!’

‘Brenda Radnor, sir. Our local MP, and the minister’s new PPS I understand.’

‘How I’m supposed to square this circle I don’t know.’

‘I find just sticking to the speech as written usually works.’ Said HRH with a glint in the eye.

‘Your Royal Highness, ladies and gentlemen. It is highly appropriate that today’s announcement of government investment should be made from the headquarters of the national park, located as we are in the town which will see the most immediate benefit. And alongside the Duke of Cornwall, Anthony Arlington, together representing the major landowners involved and whose cooperation has made today possible. For I can tell you now, this county will see, the completion of its motorway all the way to its western border. Detailed printed plans will be available after I have spoken. Over the next twenty-five years, with great care and sensitivity to the current and future needs of this rural environment, plus the need to correct the mistakes made when the current dual carriageway was constructed, the economy and environment will be enhanced. Within weeks work will begin on this short section, before moving east towards your great cathedral city. Let no one be in any doubt, the widening will be to the south side of the existing road. The eastern end will be elevated to allow a bridge over the new, old railway. With proper earth embankments, with tree cover, and the bridge constructed from the same stone as the original railway, from a disused quarry on Duchy land, allowing it in turn to be flooded and a wetland conservation area created. The current gateway junction to the Moor, will be reversed with the carriageway on top, the access roads underneath. With the growth of electric vehicles, noise and air pollution will take care of itself. The rainfall from the road itself will be collected to create new wetland conservation areas. The modifications to the road’s route will allow the size of the national park to increase, with all the protections for the environment and communities that affords. Access to the temporary roads required for construction will be given to the railway too, allowing ballast, sleepers and short rails to be delivered, the trialling of dual construction, cost-saving techniques for the more challenging work coming later to the east. Within weeks of the bridge’s completion, train services will return to this town...’

Once it was all over, with HRH gone skyward, the minster off with a police escort to the next stopping train with a first-class carriage, the national press in the car park searching for a decent signal, I wandered back towards our vehicle. I was met by the sight of Charlie leaning against the car, arms folded and looking decidedly miffed. I assumed, because she was being blocked by a police patrol car beside which stood none other than the Chief Constable herself.

‘Home Sparkwell and don't spare the horses.’

‘Not so fast Anthony.’

‘Sonia! Couldn’t resist a last fond farewell? Congratulations on your retirement, today your last public appearance?’

‘Next week, actually. But you, are going to be seeing a lot more of me in the future.’

‘Excellent! Your place or mine?’

‘I could impound this vehicle.’

‘Really?’

‘Using an unlicensed communications network to impede the work of law enforcement.’

‘Oh, come now, the Moor is covered in dead zones, and the park authority’s car park is notorious, something to do with overhanging tree cover in a hollow, so I’m told. You’ll find the local press tend to slip down the road to the pub car park. But your lads could have told you that.’

‘Charlotte told me she uploaded twenty high-definition pictures in seconds to her magazine via the car and your so-called “media room”. Explain!’

‘You left out, “via one of Eltham Makepeace’s satellites.”

‘Ha! Condemned out of your own mouth.’

‘Everything is legal, until the Crown makes it otherwise.’ Then I took out my phone.

‘What are you doing?’ She said as flashing dots lit our car’s interior in the winter gloom.

‘I just pressed my panic button. I confess that having a satellite channel does cause a little disruptive noise to terrestrial users that get too close, yet you noticed HRH got away without a hitch. You remember the double royal visit, oh no you weren’t there. Anyway, proof of concept, state security working alongside our drones and the Don’s moving cameras both operating on Eltham’s satellite internet. There need be no law when an unwritten, informal hands-off, unspoken agreement works perfectly well. We’re not in Europe anymore, their system is too old, too slow, not good with fast moving objects in close proximity. And no need to worry over Charlie’s photos, they’re embargoed until the palace have posted.’

Then Sonia’s work device pinged; ‘Sir? Yes, sir. No! I mean yes, at once. Thank you, sir.’ She looked at me with that film noir, curled lip. ‘Get him out of my sight Charlotte.’

‘I can’t until you move your vehicle, ma’am.’

‘Very well.’ Then another ping. ‘That’s my own mobile now. How’s that possible? “Eltham Makepeace is following you.” Oh, God. “Eltham Makepeace posted on your profile” Hell! “Congratulations on your retirement” Balloons and everything. I’ll delete it.’

‘Oh, I wouldn’t do that. Whoever your retirement project is with, would be most unhappy. You’re going to be a major league media influencer within hours.’

End of season eleven

139: To the manor born

‘You two still yacking?’ She said, looking accusatively in my direction.

‘What is yacking?’ Said the voice from the chaise lounge.

‘To talk aimlessly.’ I interceded.

‘But we talk seriously, purposefully. And we are old buddies, ya?’

‘May I remind you, sir! We are due at Checkley in time for lunch. Number two car is out the front, packed and ready to go. No offence Barmy.’

‘Then we will conclude.’

‘What on earth is that?’ Charlie said looking at my screen.

‘Tony’s timeline, for the years preceding his parent’s death, so far it’s only plotted with the data from the two sets of passports, British and Swiss, but they are all road border crossings, we’ve been speculating.’

‘Amongst others things. I’ve also briefed Barmy on Jack, vis-a-vis Mel.’

‘Right.’

‘Give me a second and I’ll email this infographic to the two of you, all ideas welcome because although I learnt plenty from Daphne and Archie, that’s just eliminated possibilities, not actually suggested any answers.’

Barmy rose to leave; ‘Give some care to how you present the data, at some point you may want to give it to Eltham’s AI app. In time I’m sure he will connect it to all the road mapping data coming from his self-drive EV’s, that’s already including European borders, manned or not. If Wieck wanted the passports, or wanted them back, then it must still be a live issue, the present day should be your baseline.’

‘Holy shit!’

‘This is what they pay me for Charlie, holy shit, I see myself out.’

‘Do you trust Barmy?’ She asked when we were on the road.

‘I don’t need to; we’ve talked all this through before. Besides, we’re all family in a sense. The wildest question that occurs to me in sleepless moments is, was Barmy, then a recent import from Germany, placed alongside me at school on purpose, by persons unknown?’

‘Now that would be creepy! Anyway, what worries me now is how your uncle will react if our holiday is disturbed by my house hunting parents. I told Thayer to text any and all developments.’

‘I did pre-warn him that we might have to step out and meet your folks at some point.’

‘Thanks.’

As we were unloading at the manor, I said; ‘It’s been months and you still haven’t noticed when it’s staring you in the eye.’

‘Noticed what?’

‘Where the dish is.’

‘Should I have?’

‘This boot lid, it’s somewhat thicker than it used to be!’

‘Oh, my... I just thought I was losing it because I couldn’t get so much in. So, Jack’s lads fitted them to both?’

‘Sure, same method that’s used when they’re fitted under the skin of an aircraft.’

Then a voice-off shouted; ‘Come on you two, you're late.’

‘Fulsome apologies for our late arrive.’ I said as we came through the door of the big kitchen.

‘He says, dripping with sincerity.’ Replied uncle, with that whiff of existential despair.

‘Sorry too, in advance, for us being distracted by my parents.’ Added Charlie.

‘Now that’s, a legitimate excuse.’

A moment or two later, just as we were dunking fresh-baked bread into our homemade soup, my mobile pinged. When I raised my head from reading, they were all looking at me; ‘That was an email from Bernard.’

‘Who?’ Asked Julia.

‘His solicitor, someone finally caught up with him no doubt.’ Quipped the uncle.

‘Congratulations Charlie, you are, in the absence of any other claimants, now the proud owner of all the worldly goods of the late great Kenneth Murchison.’

‘And the flat?’

‘Any money raised to go to the Trust, Bernard suggests we give some thought to how his life might be memorialised, which by great good fortune is also now your responsibility too, given your position as lead trustee for charitable affairs.’

‘How much will the sale raise?’

‘Well, despite it having only one bedroom, it has as you’ve so often expressed, a grand location and situation, Bernard suggests there really is only one estate agent in the county capable of promoting...’

At which point Julia interrupted my peroration by reaching over and handing Charlie what looked like a copy of the forthcoming edition of The Countrywoman, presumably containing the photo spread of, and her extended captions on, the royal visits. There was a cheque paper-clipped to the front, though I was unable to read the amount.

‘But this is way too much.’ Protested Charlie.

‘Nonsense my dear, this is the second time in the magazine’s history you’ve enabled us to put Royal Exclusive on the cover.’

Late afternoon I went in search of Gregson before he packed up for the day. ‘You had me confused when you arrived sir, you not heading for the vines, like.’

‘We were late, and I rather assumed they’d be neglected.’

‘His lordship struggles a bit these days, though I doubt he’d admit as much.’ Then, looking directly at me, he said; ‘I must thank you for what you’re doing for our Tim.’

‘Er, Tim Adler is one of yours?’

‘Cousin Irene’s boy. She married an Adler, funny that. My father had three brothers, that’s how Gregsons is everywhere hereabouts. He used to love visiting when he was a nipper.’

‘He’s a useful gardener, and smart with it!’

‘Of course you see that, sir. Steering him towards the Arlington Trust and all. The others, family like, they see good school work and think, chance to get out of rural concerns. Always liked the lad. What do you make of this girl he’s hanging around with?’

‘Ah! She’s the daughter of old friends, known her since she was a child too. Tell anyone who’s concerned to rest easy.’

‘Now I must tell you, we had a day out on the railway the other day, there was a call out for volunteers to try out the first battery train. The wife put together a traditional picnic basket, quite a party atmosphere in our carriage in the end. Then afterwards we repaired at the Railway Arms, wonderful display of old photos, I couldn’t help wondering what’s intended for the bay platforms that used to take trains up the valley?’

‘Well, there is a thought they would make a good location for servicing a Dining Train, that could shuttle up and down in the evenings.’

‘Use some old Brighton Belle Pullman’s likely as not?’

‘No, no. They’re all in use by the charter trains. No, the thought is a couple of Mark One buffet cars could be restored as proper kitchen cars, back-to-back, with open First Class carriages at either end. Authentic, mid nineteen fifties.’

‘Course if you were to do it proper like you’d need to be serving Brown Windsor soup, lamb and two veg. Maybe suet pudding to finish.’

‘Perhaps we should hire your good lady to consult!’

The Moor takes people in different ways. Though we were only to be away twenty-four hours, I’d spent many hours prepping Charlie and she was in constant touch with Junior Jack. Little could be left to chance. I insisted for example that the room we would use overnight must be inferior to the one occupied by Sparkwell KC and wife.

‘We are lowly, we are humble, we attend upon and defer to. Whilst you sit demurely and hold your tongue, I am enthralled by his every utterance.’ I expounded, as I drove us through the labyrinth of moorland roads.

‘You’re going to have me behave in just the way father always expected of me. He’ll assume I’ve finally been broken on the wheel.’

‘It’s a game I’m willing to play because I’m not you. I’m guessing the fastest way to get him to relax and feel safe, is to mirror him. And tomorrow is a Sunday.’

I’m sure dear reader you are only too familiar with the modern hotel dining experience, which of course is why we have the club, so I’ll cut to the chase. Talk of house hunting arose of its own accord, but it wasn’t until later over coffee in the lounge that Sparkwell senior felt able to unburden himself. ‘Our worry, as even you may appreciate Charlotte, is as much about finding a spiritual home as a material one.’

‘I wonder sir, when you were consulting Mr Thayer, whether you took the opportunity of visiting the cathedral?’

‘Most certainly.’

‘Well, on the floor above County Estates is the office of my accountant Lawrence Brinkley, he does the cathedral’s books. And on the floor above him is my solicitor one Bernard Merriweather who is the Chancellor of the diocese of said cathedral, now they’re a gossipy old pair but, it strikes me they might be well-up on the kind of gossip, you’d want to know about.’

‘You seem remarkably well-connected Tony?’ Said Charlie’s mother.

‘Well, everyone knows everyone else hereabouts, it’s just the way it is.’

‘Thank you, Anthony. You’ve given us much to think about.’

‘Perhaps we should leave it there for today then.’

‘Yes, tomorrow is an early start. The manager informs me the local church is but a short walk.’

‘Only five minutes, but uphill all the way, father.’ Said Charlie, rising majestically.

138: A walk in the park

‘He’s fast isn’t he, how come he’s so fast?’ I said, looking down to the end of the garden.

‘He’s young.’ Declared Charlie.

‘He’s always fast.’ Added Melisa, with a chuckle.

‘And he barely takes five minutes for tea!’

‘He’s always quick to recover too.’

‘Well answer me this Mel, given his height, how come he doesn’t have a stoop?’

‘He's had his spade customised, it's got a longer shaft. Always uses his own tools. Has quite a bag full in the van.’

‘Taken to chauffeuring him around I take it?’

‘We practically live in the van.’

‘Really.’

‘When I cleared out the back of all Mr Mackintosh’s stuff, Jack showed me his van, he has all this great flooring, he gave me a length off his roll.’

‘Does Jack know your father?’

‘I don’t think so.’

‘You should introduce them some time.’

‘Why?’

‘Has Jack explained all the computer electronics in his van?’

‘No, just says it’s all for driver assist, self-drive.’

‘Ah! Actually, it’s more about counter measures shall we say, that’s why I think your dad might be interested.’

‘But he’s official, whilst Jack is...’

‘Your father is an independent consultant, brought in because the state apparatus has trouble keeping up with the private economy, he lets them in on what he thinks they ought to know. Comprende?’

‘I think I might be beginning to!’

‘Why are we doing this?’

‘A walk in the woods, when have you ever been known to turn down a walk in the woods?’

‘Another, “inspecting the works” I meant.’

‘Because Brinkley is insisting on attending this afternoon’s board meeting to hammer home the need for tight accounting. And he will also be nervous about the degree to which the Trust has been lending to the Park company over the water works. I need to be well armoured against attack, not to mention uncle.’

We walked down from the back of the house, on top of the now refilled new trench. ‘It leaves quite a scar on the landscape.’ Observed Charlie, walking in front.

‘Yes, we need to stop people using it as a path, especially if we try and plant new stuff, might be a project for young Tim in due course.’

‘Is it all on a new alignment?’ She said, coming to a halt.

‘More or less.’ I replied, walking on. ‘Once the contractors had realised there was an easier gradient to be had, they were only too pleased not to dig out the old piping. It’s probably modern diggers that make it worth while going deeper to get a better lie, meaning the pump doesn’t have to work so hard.’

‘Hey!’ She said, her voice now a little distant. ‘If you look back, you can see intermittent patches of better tree growth, over there and there.’ I wandered back a step or two. ‘I’m sure that’s where there have been longstanding leaks.’

‘More money saved then.’

In time we reached the restored pumping station, the only point in the parkland where you can hear the flowing river before you see it.

‘Very smart. What’s that?’ She said, looking at a new grey panel in the wall.

‘One of Eltham’s battery storage things, fed from the solar panel on the roof, supplements the mains, covers power cuts as well.’ I fiddled with the keys borrowed from the office. ‘We’ve kept the old back-up generator; it’s just been reconditioned. It’s the electric pump that’s all new, latest computer controlled what’s it! Oh look, it looks just like it does in the catalogue.’

‘What’s the yellow, hazard, electric, nuclear sign thing on the door for?’

‘Oh, just there to keep the curious away. Well, everything looks to be in order. Seen enough?’

‘Expensive.’ She said as I locked-up.

‘It’ll last well beyond my lifetime.’

‘Depends how fast you intend to age. I need to keep you on your toes. Let’s go back another way, where it’s more secluded.’

Uncle and I took our pre-meet at the veranda bar as usual. He opened with; ‘You look flushed.’

‘Tight schedule today, scratch lunch.’

How’s Charlotte?’

‘Fine. She’s here about, somewhere.’

‘Never stops, eh?’

‘She has projects of her own.’

‘Rather putting you in the shade these days.’

‘I’m a contented consort. How’s Julia?’

‘Your aunt is worried about me, damn near stopped me driving here today.’ Then, after a pause; ‘I’m not so old, all things considered, a man’s as young as he feels.’

‘What’s happened?’

‘You know perfectly well. Look, I concede Mrs Gregson is happier now their cottage is done and hence Gregson goes about his business more contentedly, which makes all our lives easier. And, the brickworks, well I’d probably never have got around to it. You force the pace, fine. I know I’m slow, but I’m not incapable.’

‘Pace yourself.’

‘Quite. But why this separate company though, A & C Restorations?’

‘Well, it’s just Charlie and I, quite separate from the Trust. Therefore, in the fullness of time, A & C can merge with Checkley, or Checkley take it over. Maybe one just subsidises the other, but the point is, neither will be subsumed by the Trust. Over time my influence over them is bound to wane.’

‘I see, and ultimately the Park might be more secure too.’

‘Indeed.’

‘Anyway, you’ll be with us within the week, we can talk more then. The two of you are going to be busy, there’s much to be done.’

‘Ah! Small fly in the ointment. Charlie’s parents will be roaming the county looking for a retirement property, we may have to take some time out.’

‘Damn!’

As we left the bar via the lounge, Ada Armitage could be seen deep in conversation with none other than Brinkley. I froze on the spot. Then I remembered the two had met over the matter of the railway station which never had trains. Larry looked distinctly sheepish as we approached their table.

‘Good afternoon young man.’ Ada said with a glint in her eye; ‘I’ve just been asking Lawrence, I may call you that, may I?’

‘Of course, dear lady.’

‘I was just asking Lawrence what he thought my shares might be worth, I shan’t break a confidence by telling you his reply, but I wonder what you think they’re worth Anthony?’

I was acutely aware of uncle’s presence beside me and Brinkley, glaring; ‘Whatever a worthy recipient is prepared to pay.’ It was the best I could come up with on the spur of the moment.

‘Most gallant.’ She replied.

‘We’re in the club committee room when you’re done.’

The business of the meeting seemed to take an age. Uncle took the chair as usual. I reported on the water pipe, the pumping station and the cost. I offered my view on the loan, the period of extension for repayments and a reasonable interest rate that the Park could afford, and I hoped the Trust would approve. Uncle looked pleased, Brinkley bristled. Lawrence then let off steam by outlining the discipline that the responsible staff must show in their accounting methods.

He then surprised us all saying; ‘Finally, changing the subject entirely, I’d like to take the opportunity of informing the board that the Arlington Trust has had a letter from our, other university.’ He then produced said item and began to read aloud; ‘From the “Faculty of Agriculture and Rural Sustainability, Floor Ten, Drake’s Tower, City Campus”. It’s from the “Placements and Apprenticeships Officer” of the “School of Horticulture”, which as we all know is actually located at the opposite end of the county, but they are of course looking to place students, I’m about to send out copies to all parts of the Trust, but I thought I’d just let you know...’

‘Well, I’ll be damned! The lad’s even better organised than I’d imagined. I’ll draft the reply thank you Brinkley.’

137: Father, mother and me

‘Oh my god, they’re coming to visit.’

‘That’s nice.’

‘Nice! You’ve met him.’

‘Well, it’s a situation that’s doable, at least for a short time. When are they are coming?’

‘Not for a while.’ Charlie replied, her head in her mother’s handwritten missive. ‘And father’s finally retiring. I don’t believe it. Oh no! He wants to “take the opportunity to look at properties in the west country.” Well, they can stay off the Riviera for a start. And she wants me to recommend a hotel. I suppose the Grand is, well, what they’d consider grand.’

‘Oh, for goodness’ sake, you are slow sometimes, send them where you’ve got a man on the inside, the Manor House.’

‘Right, I wasn’t thinking.’

‘Junior Jack is just the fellow to keep your father in order, looming in the lounge. And another thing, you’ve got friends, if your parents are moving it’s a chance to find out all the legal ins and outs of your family, steer them towards Barney Benson, better still go in on the ground floor and hit them with Thayer, it’s what that building is for.’

‘County Estates is outside father’s price range I should think.’

‘But Thayer will offer to find them their ideal property, if he knows what’s good for him.’

For once it was me inviting Daphne for lunch at the club. After the usual pleasantries I tried to get swiftly to business. ‘We need to have a serious talk Daph, ghosts from the past are, unsettling me, shall we say.’

‘Gosh! Not more accusations about me being an agent for my father I hope?’

‘No. But let me apologise in advance, I do have to ask you about your father’s world. If you’re able to answer, please do so, if not, try to distinguish between don’t know, and not at liberty to say.’

‘Hell, this had better be important. I’ve had enough of trips down memory lane. So, what’s this all about?’

‘I don’t know, that’s the point. Who or what is, or was, Casper Wieck?’

‘A hanger-on of Daddy’s.’

‘They worked together?’

‘Sure, and used to see each other in retirement.’

‘Just, how senior was your father in the end?’

‘Deputy Chief.’

‘And Wieck?’

‘Head of Personnel.’

‘Sounds a bit euphemistic!’

‘No, but yes. I mean government communications is a big employer, the seventies, a time of expansion for them. Lots of positive vetting. But yes, sort of internal security as well. And...’

‘Yes?’

‘Look Tony, there were all sorts of formal channels for distributing the product, with Whitehall committees attached. But once in a while, there had to be informal, face to face contact with odd individuals from the other agencies. Wieck would handle that. When I was a kid, if Daddy had to be contacted out of hours, it would be Wieck who came to the cottage. That was the only time, you know, hand on the shoulder afterwards; “You know Daddy’s work is a bit secret, no need to mention the visit”. My point is, Wieck was the only one who really knew anything about the world of the spooks.’

‘And what was Murchison’s role?’

‘Ken? He was entertainment. Same generation, only stayed a few years, the butt of jokes often, I mean he was the last of his kind, had to oversee, climbing telegraph poles, messing with mechanical exchanges, you know, your actual adding extra kit to wires, international cables, museum stuff. And radio of course. Amuses Barmy to this day. What’s this really all about Tony?’

‘He was genuinely attached to my aunt Elisabeth, not just the gardener, left an old Will, leaving her everything. Why was Wieck at the funeral?’

‘Out of respect?’

‘Tidying up loose ends more like, only he didn’t succeed. How’s Barmy?’

‘Fine, I think. In Germany, with a solicitor, one of your lot. Wills again, one of his many relatives dropped off the twig. Barmy thinks he can snatch another chuck of the family fortune for the foundation. Mel keeps saying all that nonsense will stop with her, rather admire her for it.’

Over the years Charlie and I have tried to limit our visits to Head Office, in our great cathedral city. Killing as many birds with one stone as possible. And we’ve got into the habit of entering by the ground floor and working our way up. The first surprise of the day was to find Barmy lounging with Thayer at the back of the shop; ‘I was told you were in Germany.’

‘That was yesterday. We were talking about you. Ways of turning cash into bricks and mortar.’

‘I was saying, how profit, in rural enterprises rarely tells you about the real value of assets like land and buildings.’ Thayer explained.

‘Quite right.’

‘Brinkley sent word he wants to see you two. And since you’ll be going that way you might care to deliver these papers regarding your old apartment. Tell him he has forty-eight hours to fix it, whatever the fix is, before those details go in the window, at market price!’

‘Number forty-two is sold?’

‘Finally.’

‘Right. Now, we never arrive without a purpose, over to you Charlie?’

‘My father is retiring, looking for a property in the west country, we were wondering if you could, I can’t believe I’m talking like this, help manage the situation, facilitate an outcome, conducive to all parties...’

‘Being as how, you’ve just told the whole world you’ve never got on!’ Thayer interrupted.

‘Did I? Oh god.’

‘Fear not, point them in my direction, I’ll endeavour to keep all parties satisfied. Now, you don’t want to keep Lawrence waiting, besides Mr Gruber here, by all accounts is an even more important client than you Tony.’

‘That man is getting ideas above his station.’ I said as we ascended the back stairway to the first floor.

Upon entered, Brinkley’s voice boomed; ‘In here you two.’ I was beginning to regret the comprehensiveness of security in the building, but then I only had myself and Fin Heptonstall to blame!

Just as Brinkley opened his mouth to speak, I shoved Thayer’s papers in his face, then took up my usual position of admiring the second-best view.

‘Yes. Yes.’ He mumbled whilst perusing the papers; ‘Mackintosh has been much on my mind of late. In more ways than one. Are we committed to this?’

‘Gentleman’s agreement, handshake and everything, an offer to treat, and an acceptance.’

‘Leave the law to Bernard, Tony. You have noted the difference in these figures?’

‘Yes.’

‘Thayer knows the market.’

‘Yes.’

‘Well, I...’

‘Cat has already paid in kind, future prospects with Jack’s garage look very rosy.’

‘Jack! This office has no truck with him.’

‘Then I’m your cut-out, I keep you squeaky clean!’

‘Yes, well that’s as maybe. And now, Mackintosh wants to institute a park run, of all things, Charlotte?’

‘It’s an idea, it would have to be a cross-country event, not enough paths and they’d have to stay off the golf course, he suggested a paper chase, keep it traditional.’

‘Insurance will never wear it. Plus, with your MP’s visit, this leaves the whole park organisation severely exposed.’

‘Larry, you’re not making any sense.’

‘It doesn’t matter how well you’ve sweet-talked her; MPs have to account for their every action these days, two forms, it’s either expenses or the register of freebies!’

‘So?’

‘Public documents, it won’t be her, just some, beady-eyed left-wing journalist, one article, one call to the tax office, that’s all it takes. We need to formalise certain internal arrangements at the Park.’

‘How?’

‘Three departments, say Spa and Sports, Conference Facilities, House and Hospitality. Clear accounting, if Macintosh is organising events for Spa and Sports, that’s consulting or volunteering, not the club which is just renting from House and Hospitality. Wooley rents from Conference Facilities, however much he wines and dines guests in the club, follow?’ He said looking in Charlie’s direction.

‘The whole point of the Park is it’s informality.’ She replied.

‘It’s appearances and reality again Charlie, paperwork makes stuff, official.’ I interceded.

‘Oh, right.’

‘Agreed?’ Asserted Brinkley.

‘Agreed. Where’s Bernard?’

‘Incommunicado.’

‘I beg your pardon?’

‘At home, in Spain, the doctors have ordered complete rest. No online, no nothing.’

‘What’s happened?’ As I was asking, Charlie spied something behind Brinkley’s chair and rose to investigate.

‘Fell over in the outage, hairline fracture, whole foot and ankle strapped up, stick and everything...’

‘In the outhouse?’

‘In the power cut!’

‘Another one!’ Charlie exclaimed, holding up a new bottle; ‘Irish whisky not enough? Bespoke again I suppose.’ Turning it to the light she continued; ‘Seriously? “Brinkley’s Rum”, oh come on!’

‘Care for a glass?’

‘No thanks.’

‘Slip-up stairs and you’ll find Bernard now offers, raspberry and lemon liqueurs.’

‘Charlie, we’re leaving. Clearly, we’re paying these people too much!’

136: Podcast

‘Welcome to the podcast everyone. My special guest today is none other than the Queen of the Riviera herself, sometime street urchin, waitress, physical therapist, companion to the homeless and wealthy alike, poster girl for the steam railway, angler, charity trustee and much more. Charlotte Sparkwell, may I call you Charlie?’

‘You usually do, Don.’

‘Welcome to the podcast.’

‘Thanks for inviting me. It’s the first time I’ve done anything like this.’

‘Well, you and I have become friends over many years, think of it as just dropping by for a chat. Now I’m hoping that at some point you’re going to tell our listeners and viewers all about how you came to be hosting two recent local royal spectaculars on the same day, and at more or less the same time!’

‘You played your part Don.’

‘Only a minor role. But the mastermind behind everything, you and I both know, was your significant other.’

‘Who will remain nameless, Don. That’s the deal. Some will know who we’re talking about, others may guess as we go along.’

‘He’s thrust you into the limelight Charlie on a number of occasions, I’ve seen it for myself.’

‘He has indeed, but his heart is in the right place.’

‘It is? Most people feel you’re the one with the heart, whilst he’s something of a manipulative bastard!’

‘Your audience Don, should be told you’re as much a friend of his, as you are of me.’

‘Okay then. But what’s it like becoming such a public figure?’

‘Well, locally that’s not such a new thing, I’ve been recognised on the street and about the town for years.’

‘But you didn’t grow up here. Tell us what happened?’

‘I jumped the next train, and stayed on to the end of the line.’

‘Now, that’s a, not uncommon personal story hereabouts.’

‘That’s right, and there were some kind people, so I stayed.’

‘And we’ll avoid naming those, supporters, shall we say?’

‘Yes. I don’t want to misrepresent myself though, I’d been a street kid for years before I ended up here. And I’d had a bit of a middle-class suburban upbringing, before I felt I had to leave. I got chucked out of several schools, but ended up with enough exams to do a sports degree. Fitness, was my therapy. And so, I wasn’t in that bad-er a shape when I turned up here.’

‘You’re very comfortable in your own skin, if I might put it like that.’

‘Sure, and fitness gave me confidence. I decided when I was quite young that I wasn’t going to be a victim, and set about making that happen.’

‘You’re a survivor.’

‘I hate words like that, meaningless, just another soon to be out of date label, everyone who’s alive is a survivor! Lived experience, what other kind of experience is there?’

‘You’re a traditional, assertive, straight woman, if I might say, and that’s where the respect comes from?’

‘I think so, I love the street, I like being admired, the guys like me, I’m fun. I’m safe.’

‘But so many people just don’t get that, how you can put out, but not be taken advantage of. I mean, hell, I’m a gay guy from the suburbs of Melbourne for Christ’s sake, what do I know?’

‘But you do know.’

‘And in time you settled in as the waitress, famously dressed in traditional yoga pants, down at the cafe on the harbour side.’

‘Yeah, but that was only possible because Captain Bob gave me a cabin on his yacht, in exchange for light duties.’

‘And these light duties, were?’

‘Many people who used to see old Bob hanging around the harbour or beachcombing didn’t realise they were looking at Captain Robert Forsyth RN, former commander of all sorts of naval vessels and hundreds of sailors. And his classic yacht is now leased to the naval college as a training vessel.’

‘Hence, you getting pally with the King the other week.’

‘Sure. But for many years Bob was the one who kept the old homeless shelter afloat, financially.’

‘Right.’

‘And it was where I was first introduced to the Prince and Princess, back along.’

‘Amazing. We’ll be back after the break.’

That she should have agree to appear on the podcast at all was remarkable, but to be the single guest on a long-form edition which might last between two or three hours really was amazing. But they do say TV is over, along with other legacy media, and I’m beginning to believe it. There’s less censorship on the internet, more freedom to say and do as you please, for now. The Don was one of the first to see the potential, getting his paper, in the act of going online, to turn itself into a broadcaster. It meant freedom to do almost whatever you liked, in so far as your guests would tolerate it!

‘So, how did you meet your infamous partner?’

‘He was a regular at the cafe. He would drift in at about ten and order something or other, “for breakfast” he’d say. Even though he dressed casually, everything about him screamed quality. I was fascinated.’

‘And the rest is history.’

‘Oh, no. That went nowhere for ages. But I was only really part-time at the cafe, I was trying to set up as a physical therapist, use the bits of physio, sports massage and sports psychology I’d picked up at college, to make some sort of a living.’

‘Waitressing can be a bit of a dead-end job.’

‘Depends on the clientele, it really does.’

‘So, when did you hook-up?’

‘Er, I was thirty-two then, I’m forty-one now, a bit short of nine years ago he hired me as a therapist. That was the first time I got inside the lair where he was living, it knocked me out, because of the view, classic apartment.’

‘You don’t look forty-one!’

‘But I do Don, this is what forty-one looks like when you’re all skin and muscle, I look like what everyone is meant to look like, what every brain and body is trying to be, were it not for our culture, social learning, habits, diet, whatever.’

‘I think that’s probably the most provocative statement anyone’s ever made on this podcast.’

‘Bleedin’ tragic, innit!’

‘Er, where were we? Yes, I was going to ask about the age difference.’

‘Can I just say, from the start, we were both aware of how unfashionable a seemingly rich, guy with a girlfriend fifteen years younger, had become. But rather than playing it down, we decided to exploit it, have some fun with it.’

‘Play it up.’

‘Sure. It’s like he’s always saying, life isn’t a series of puzzles to be solved, it’s a game. If you walk one step behind or one step in front, the man is called a misogynist.’

‘If you walk side by side that’s thought equitable!’

‘And hog the entire pavement, so fuck everybody up!’

‘But right from the start the two of you went a bit further, not just you in the role of kept woman or housewife, you went about as a sort of old-fashioned valet!’

‘Well, we both hated this thing of the well-to-do having personal assistants, personal trainers, drivers, when really, you’re talking servants. In private it was a fantasy, in public, in the circles he moved in, only too easy to act for real.’

‘But somehow you carried it off so it wasn’t at all demeaning.’

‘I knew from waitressing how at times you could control the room, step up and be a sort of maître d’hôtel.’

‘Yes, some of us have been lucky enough to have seen the tapes of you working the inside of Buffy’s global summit here at the Park.’

‘Yes, but you don’t own the copyright.’

‘Touché! So, moving on, the royal connection, how did that start.’

‘My partner thought we could use a mutual acquaintance who’d been at university with the prince and princess, to get them to appear at the Park’s jubilee celebrations, the friend pointed out that they were serious people, and that they’d be more likely to show interest in the work we were doing at the old homeless shelter.’

‘And the King and the new, old railway?’

‘Well, I’m just the poster girl, hired by the day, off and on. You need to get their representatives on the show. But I do know what you saw with the King’s visit was just phase one, it’s a work in progress.’

‘So, tell us about the fishing...’

135: Valet parking

‘...then I had to change my trousers, with the Don cooing over my tatts!’ Exclaimed Sparkwell as she chauffeured me towards the club.

‘At least you knew he wasn’t admiring the rest of you.’

‘Oh! I almost forgot, why is Captain Bob so happy?

‘One royal visit that went off without a hitch? The promise of further patronage?’

‘More than that, I knew him long before I met you, remember? It was like, the visit had solved all sorts of stuff, a weight of his shoulders. He said; “Tell Tony we did it, we bloody well did it.” I know the only reason you two would cut me out, is it must be politics.’

‘Politics and the bureaucracy that comes with it. Now then, national government and local government are by no means the same thing. However, you remember with the railway how we took advantage of the chaos of the end of one parliament and the start of the chaos of another, well, our local government is in the limbo of reorganisation. What the county and the cities are responsible for is changing, just as the districts are disappearing. I’ll be better able to explain after my lunch with counsel for the defence.’

As we entered the Park, Walpole could be seen hovering by the unusually open back door, it being of course the original front door to the house. The scene made our legal eagle look like the owner of a very fine country seat. ‘I’ll drop you at the door, sir.’

‘Very well, Sparkwell.’

‘Then proceed to park, I’ll be around should you require me.’

I did my best to gracefully exit the two-seater. Approaching, I proclaimed; ‘You look like the lord and master of all you survey!’

‘Oh, thank you very much, I must say the ambience here does give one a rather unique feeling of ownership.’

‘And the look suits you.’

‘You flatter me.’

‘Not in the least. Only too appropriate, since today you’re my host.’

Then his gaze shifted to the carpark behind me; ‘What’s your paramour doing, exactly?’

I turned; ‘My valette, is merely preparing to vacuum the interior. Keeping everything spick and span. She’s a very disciplined woman, especially when in uniform.’

‘I see. I don’t mean to be rude, but there’s always seems something, well, borderline kinky about your relationship.’

‘I say! Steady on old man.’

‘During my career I was often forced to spend long hours viewing the prosecution evidence held by Vice, decidedly un-erotic videos, but one learnt to recognise the traits of the sub and the dom.’

‘Sparkwell and I enjoy a high trust relationship, I can assure you.’

‘Ah. Of course, you could hardly swop around roles all the time without it.’

‘We’re not in the cells below the Bailey now, and I’m not your client.’

‘Just a bit of fun. In the hour of our great victory.’

‘You think we, have won?’

‘Oh, yes. And to cap it all you’ve made Charlie a star.’

‘Well, given her fifteen minutes of fame anyway.’

‘I’ve known The Beacon a lot longer than you. I’d say she’s well on the way to becoming a national treasure. Helene reads, every day, the print edition of The Beacon’s principal rival, her world view is built upon it. Now they normally have the edge when comes to royal stories, but now they’ve been utterly humiliated. And no doubt had to pay Don a small fortune for the privilege.’

‘Let’s go in.’

‘Of course.’

We passed by the flight simulator, it had an ‘Out of order’ notice on it; ‘What! Not again. What is it this time?’

‘Barmy’s uploading a software update of his own devising.’ Said an anonymous voice.

‘One wonders why, when all it’s only ever used for is refighting World War Two.’ I said as an aside to Walpole.

In time we settled to lunch. ‘So, what makes you confident everything’s in the bag?’

‘At my last meeting at county hall, when they finally signed off on footpaths, bridepaths, lineside fencing and reinstalled level crossings, one of the officials said we’d better hurry up with car park applications because reorganisation was already causing endless delays. It was on the tip of my tongue to declare; “There will be no car parks” when I thought there might be an advantage to keeping quiet.’

‘You think they are thinking they can just sit back and watch the chaos of choked country lanes and mass illegal parking as seen in other parts of the country where, unlike us, lines are cut off from the network? And with the additional assumption that we’ll be encouraging it in a desperate attempt to maximise visitor numbers in order to turn a profit.’

‘Waiting their moment to hit us with court orders and massive fines.’

‘How could they not know?’

‘Filter bubbles! Ideological and geographic.’

‘Blimey! As Charlie would say.’

‘Anyway, I then decided to snoop a little, mindful of what you and Bernard have said about the status of Royal Oak. One or two of the councillors also sit on health and social care committees. Similar delays in enforcing regulations, similar sitting back thinking they’ll hit Charlie and Co at a time of maximum impact. A combination of bureaucratic pettiness and moral superiority. And an addiction to spending other people’s money.’

‘Just in time then.’

‘Two knockout blows delivered on the same day. The ultimate endorsement. And lots of free publicity.’

‘We win in the final court of appeal, before they even litigate.’

‘Nothing can stop you now Anthony.’

Suddenly there was the sound of a most appalling scream, male in origin was my guess, and emanating from just outside in the garden.

In the push to get to the front door, originally the back door, and the collision outside, caused by working out which direction to go in, I lost sight of Walpole. We, the crowd, however were soon forced to pull-up just short of the spa by the scene that presented itself, it looked to be some form of water torture. To one side of the spa’s little drinking fountain, there was what might be described as like a large, broad, garden water butt, full and overflowing. Amongst the overspill creeping across the ground towards us were clearly visible ice cubes. Inside the container was what appeared to be a naked Tuffy, desperately struggling, but failing to extricate himself. Alongside stood Sparkwell, now in fitness trainer’s apparel, clutching a stopwatch and clipboard, looking on with cold detachment.

Walpole, who’d succeeded in nudging his way through the cheering and goading crowd, declared; ‘I’m reliably informed it’s a freebie from the Rep trying to sell the spa a sauna, it’s a DIY garden cold plunge.’

Soon Tuffy seemed to exhaust himself, calmed down, and realised the quickest way out was the reverse of the way he got in. On emerging he was revealed to be wearing white undergarments, now clinging and transparent, exposing his much-shrivelled appendage. After he’d rapidly departed, the crowd quietened down considerably. Someone commented; ‘What I don’t understand is how she got him in there in the first place?’

Some wit replied; ‘Led him up the garden path, literally.’

No one questioned the treatment being metered out. Knowing Tuffy of old, everyone rather took it for granted that the punishment fitted the crime. Walpole drew me to one side; ‘There you go, I told you. Tell me, what does she call herself in private, Mistress Charlotte?’