126: Evil under the sun

I had retreated to the media room, on account of Charlie having a private client. I hadn’t noticed the doorbell ring, but perhaps she’d seen whoever, arriving. After an hour or so of worrying those at the old bank about post-election strategy, I stretched my legs by wandering into the bedroom and looking down on the garden. I was shocked to see Charlie ferrying, it was the only word for it, a crouching Tuffy along the path to the back gate.

‘How was your client, responsive to the Sparkwell touch?’ I asked over our lunchtime rations.

‘Not really. I ended-up introducing some yoga for him to practice.’

‘Good God! Well, that explains it I suppose.’

‘Explains what?’

‘Why your so-called client was bent double leaving by the back gate.’

‘You saw?’

‘I did indeed.’

‘It wasn’t my idea!’

‘I imagine not.’

‘He insists everything should be shrouded in secrecy, not just from Victoria, but from you too, in case you were tempted to blab. He said; “You know Tony, he has tentacles everywhere.” He's overwhelmed.’

‘What’s happened to the poor fellow?’

‘I'm not even sure about that. He spent quite a time muttering about the railway.’

‘Our railway?’

‘No, the model set in the attic. He thinks he could create something more authentic than your lot.’

‘Good lord! Well, yes if it’s a model then it’s always simpler.’

‘I just wish he'd give some thought to who he’s talking to, I mean his twin obsessions are you and Victoria, how can I be expected to observe client confidentiality when there’s such a conflict of interest?’

‘They do say, that having chosen someone as your confessor it’s often difficult to break the habit.’

‘I say! There’s no packed lunch, damn it.’

‘Calm yourself Tuffy.’ I asserted. We were all aboard the old charabanc, heading out from the club on our annual Awayday. This year we were off to Bilberry-on-Sea, with a promise of lunch at the posh hotel on the island that sat across the causeway.

‘They’ll be takeaway coffees at the beach, whilst we wait for the sea tractor to ferry us across.’ Said Cat, taking on his usual role of tour guide.

Walpole and Helene were sat behind us, enjoying a tour again. ‘Well, this is very pleasant. You realise we hardly go anywhere together these days Walpole.’

‘Alas, pressure of work.’

‘That’s what you used to say in the old days, you’re meant to be retired!’

‘Well, I say work, but more like a hobby really, something one can be enthusiastic about.’

‘I hope there’ll be no arguments about detectives today.’

‘Strange, I wasn’t aware today’s misery tour took us to local locations from The Hound of the Baskervilles or the disappearance of Silver Blasé.’

‘Really Walpole! You know perfectly well to whom I refer. The island was an inspiration to Agatha Christie, there’s even a summer chalet in the hotel grounds where she used to write.’

‘Oh really? Would I recognise any of her titles?’

‘Evil Under The Sun, was one!’

‘Were there any art-deco buildings that didn’t have flat roofs?’ I said to Walpole as we stood looking at the only feature in the landscape of note, whilst consuming our coffees.

‘I can’t think of any, and they all leaked.’

‘Your Sherlock comment has set me thinking about next year, I’m looking for an alternative to stave off a small cabal determined we should do Christie’s home Greenway next.’

‘Oh lord!’ Then a moment later; ‘Oh, now what? Helene is gesturing with a beckoning digit. See you later.’

Melisa separated herself from the family Gruber and came over for a chat. ‘How was the bank?’ I enquired.

‘Great, Charlie helped me out.’

‘Getting a handle on financial affairs now will save countless hours in the future. Has Jack found you wheels yet?’

‘Yes, Mr Mackintosh’s old van has turned up and he’s fixing it, says it needs a lot of work though. Mother says you’d reassured her I wouldn’t turn up in some fancy sports. You’re involved with all this somehow, you seem to have leverage with practically everyone I meet!’

‘Okay, I confess, I found the van. Cat will transfer ownership to me because I’m doing him a favour in another matter. Jack is under instruction to do it all up to suit your needs, I’ll pay him whatever he sees fit to charge me, depending on how much he feels I owe him. We, have a sort of informal business partnership going. You meanwhile, need to work out how much it will cost you to run, cash you’ll have to pay, wherever it actually comes from, such as insurance, road tax, MOT, petrol per mile etc. When all that’s sorted, I simply transfer ownership to you.’

‘What? Free, gratis and for nothing.’

‘Well, there’s really no need for cash to exchange hands. I owe you an eighteenth birthday present anyway and there are occasional favours you could do for me.’

‘I’m beginning to think mother isn’t right about you!’

‘She’s biased. No, right now, there’s only one thing I can think of that would make a real difference. Would you be willing to chauffer Kenneth back and forth to our place twice a week so he can stay involved with the garden?’

‘Of course, no worries.’

‘Young Timothy not with you today?’

‘I don’t allow him to come just anywhere!’

‘Glad to hear it.’

It was whilst eating our luxurious lunch that I realised that what obsessed modernist architects were the interiors they created, and if that meant an horrendous outside, so be it. We lounged awhile after eating, then the heartier folk set off for a walk around the island. I looked for Charlie, but she was nowhere to be seen, so I just followed the group in front. Later, as we were gathering for the return ferry, I was chatting to Victoria, a few steps apart from all the others. Cat approached looking hassled and declared; ‘We’re missing two!’

‘So much so obvious.’ I replied.

‘What?’

‘I am without Charlie, Victoria is minus Tuffy, thus we deduce they are together.’

‘Good lord! I say, sorry about that and all.’

‘Oh!’ Exclaimed the Lady Vic; ‘I think we’re fairly safe in assuming Charlotte is doing her best to therapize Tuffy! And I don’t think either Tony nor I, would fully claim to know the mind of Tuffy.’

‘Absolutely. Anyway Cat, I suggest Vic and I take ten minutes to walk around the top of the island again, that’ll give us the best view.’

Five minutes later, as we were walking a path above an almost amphitheatre like cove, two figures could be seen on the beach below. I recognised Charlie by the only too familiar pose, that of the assertive fitness instructor. The figure attempting to rise out of Cobra must be Tuffy.

‘He’s only just wolfed down a large lunch!’ Said the Lady Vic.

‘Being on sand won't help. Hush a second, we might be able to hear something...’

‘Now gently rising into Warrior, try not to stretch or strain.’ Charlie could be heard to caution. But Tuffy had other ideas, he pushed on into full Victory pose. Arms out stretched forming a V and fingers spread.

‘Oh, my God!’ Said Vic, then added; ‘She’s changed into her kit.’

‘Yes, Charlie is notoriously high bound in the matter of yoga and fitness apparel.’

It was then, and I can't honestly say what made me do it, that I cupped my hands to my mouth and sent a ‘koo-ee' echoing around the cliff face. Tuffy collapsed instantly in a heap.

‘That was, brutal but effective Tony.’

‘Sometimes you need an utter bastard to stop an idiot.’ I replied.

75: The long day out

‘It never seems right, seeing the river so full of pleasure craft.’

‘Daphne! Yes indeed, never more stylish than when the Navy dominated.’

‘I think one of my ancestors was invited to review the college, before World War One.’ Chipped in Barmy.

‘Ah, one forgets, it wasn’t until the first decade of the twentieth century, that the British press started painting Germany as the enemy.’

We were all on the ferry crossing the river, to the one railway station in Britain that never had any tracks.

‘So, you see Mel, what is now a cafe, once had a booking office where you could buy a ticket to anywhere in the country.’

‘I’ve brought your book back.’

‘Excellent. I anticipated such an outcome and have brought along a new volume.’

‘More adventures?’

‘Of a slightly different kind. A book about Sherlock Holmes, written by a female PhD in psychology. Here, let’s do a swap right now, whilst we’re out of sight.’

‘God! Isn’t it going to be a bit advanced?’

‘I doubt it. I don’t know what the adults say about teenage frustrations these days, in my day everything was blamed on puberty, anyway don’t listen to any of it, your frustrations are about having an underused brain.’

‘You are terribly politically incorrect Tony.’

‘Oh, thank you very much.’

‘Mummy has taken charge of the packed lunches, could do with a drink right now. I bet they’ll snag all the wine for themselves.’

‘Ah, now, there’s a point. I should tell you on the quiet. Your father has never had a good head for alcohol, perhaps your mother is concerned you might have inherited it, apart from the fact that the female frame is smaller and therefore glass for glass, more susceptible to intoxication. Of course, she could also be worried about the prospect of man overboard. Anyway, how did you find the Adventures?’

‘Great. The opening story made me think of Daddy’s alleged grand connections, they came from Bohemia, born on the wrong side of some royal bed. Not the Grubers, obviously, his mother’s side.’

‘Hereditary bastards of Bohemia, sounds like a good title for a book, well, well, not the kind of ancestors to shout about.’

‘Is it true Grandpa used to be a spook?’

‘Snooper, not spook, well that’s the rumour, never actually had it confirmed. It is your mother’s father we’re talking about?’

‘Yes, he always says he was a civil servant. So, what’s a snooper then?’

‘Ah, well. First there were codebreakers, reaching back into the mists of time. Then add in military signals intelligence, Morse code and all that. Then whole networks of electric telegraphs, telephones, radio and finally the internet, all to be snooped upon.

‘Grandpa’s never been much of a one for tinkering.’

‘No, he, allegedly, got involved with how to interpret the product. Thing is, in recent times the US and UK have had the capacity to eavesdrop on all electronic communications from around the globe. So much data, that you have to come up with a system for the computers to filter it all for you. Then, how do humans set about interpreting what might or might not, be a threat...’ We were interrupted by a shout from over yonder.

‘I say! Are you two coming?’ It was Tuffy, gesturing from the riverboat. Everyone else it seemed was already on board.

‘Tuffy seems excited about his day out.’

‘Too excited. He’s taken to carrying his father’s hipflask.’ So said the Lady Vic.

‘Thank goodness it’s a small one, he hasn’t got his grandfather’s snuff box on him?’

‘Oh, I’ve not heard about that.’

‘Tried it at school once, but only the once.’

‘The thing is, he indicated he’s not too clever on boats, you’re not in a position to elaborate I suppose?’

‘I can’t ever remember being on boat with Tuffy.’

We made steady, one might say sedate, progress up the estuary, nonetheless a bit of a cross wind did give us a slight roll, along with the wakes of passing craft. Cat was getting into his stride as a tour guide. After a lengthy discourse on the naval college, taking us well passed the actual location itself, he barely had time to catch his breath before starting his preamble to our view of Greenway. Given Christie lived a long time, and indeed grew-up just down the road, there was a certain logic to giving a potted biography before the river narrowed and we came alongside the place she spent her declining years.

‘Looks like some sort of river crossing here.’ Said Walpole.

‘Oh, indeed. In modern times there always seems to have been a local boatman willing to ferry people across. But the village on the west bank has at least a thousand-year history, part of the church was started in Norman times, the tides are quite strong but at low tides it’s the last point on river that’s fordable, that’s why the village existed, why there was a road on which to build Greenway.’

‘One would never think it.’

‘Fords are often built-up and straightened artificially with river gravels, have to be maintained of course, remarkable how deep you can take a coach and four...’

Then suddenly he interrupted me; ‘I say, that Tufnell fellow is looking rather green about the gills.’

‘Serve him right for drinking too much.’

‘You know I once had cause to view the body of a man who died from poisoning, he had just that kind of distorted face.’

Sure enough, a moment or two later there was the sound of retching, and the sight of Tuffy bent over the side. ‘I’ll see what I can do,’ said Charlotte.

‘No Charlie, let him be, he’s Vic’s responsibility now.’

‘Really?’

‘Oh, yes. Discretion being the better part of valour and all that.’

‘Very good, sir.’

After what seemed like hours, there was a palpable feeling of relief all round when we finally made landfall.

Cat marshalled us on the quayside; ‘Let’s stick together till the river bridge, then I can show you where we’ll be picked-up.’

‘The railway sidings used to run as far as here.’ I said, falling in with Walpole again; ‘Shame the preservationists of the other line going towards the Moor, never thought of including it.’

‘That would have meant permissions, in and out of the BR station in two directions, unthinkable at the time.’

‘Alas.’

‘Alack.’

‘Now then,’ said Cat pausing to address us all. ‘The bus will be on the hotel side of the road, access to the castle is via the main street, follow me group.’ And with that he promptly turned away, with our erstwhile neighbour taking his arm. Charlie and I followed behind. I’d previously decided there was no getting out of it.

A minute or two later my loyal confederate whispered in my ear; ‘Don’t look round but we’re not being followed!’

I waited until we were passing under the famous archway before looking back down the hill. With the exception of Mrs Walpole looking in a gift shop window, there was no sign of anybody.

Sparkwell and I sat side by side on the park bench outside the entrance to the castle. Having consumed our cans of red wine with the beef sandwiches whilst on the boat, we now rewarded ourselves with the cheese sarnies and water!

‘You do realise we have less sex than we used to.’

‘Really? I hadn’t noticed.’

‘Well neither had I. It only came to me by accident.’

‘It doesn’t bother you?’

‘No. Well, not until I started wondering about whether it should. It’s kind of unfamiliar territory to me, being with someone for so long. I mean, I’d heard from others that things drop off.’

‘An unfortunate turn of phrase. Fact is, this is all rather unfamiliar to me too.’

We were prevented from further discussion by Cat and his companion emerging from the castle. She was saying; ‘So, the proper beacon hills to the west and east are both higher but out of sight, because we are lower than the surrounding hills, despite being at the high point in the valley. Is that what you are saying?’

58: Matters of trust

‘Oh, there you are.’

‘I’ve just finished a session with Tuffy. He wants me to tell you some stuff.’

‘Coward!’

‘This is difficult. He, really doesn’t know you at all does he?’

‘Well, that thought has occurred, down the years, more often than I care to think about.’

‘And, there’s something about you, sometimes I’m not sure you care about him at all.’

‘Look, you’re right there is something a bit-off about our relationship. Perhaps if I just say; it’s Tuffy’s parents who hold a place in my heart, okay. I mean you might expect  Aunts to step forward in a crisis and all that, right. But Tuffy’s parents I just instinctively liked, and they liked me.’

‘I get it.’

‘Tuffy, just came as part of the package.’

‘Tuffy chickened-out, because he thinks you will be desperately upset to know you are not going to get to be his best man, and lay on a grand show at a grand wedding.’

‘It’s not all off, is it?’

‘No, just for various practical reasons, it’s a quiet registry office thing, they’ve been in the queue and they now have a date. It’s weird, I just thought, Tuffy must know, unconsciously.’

‘Go on.’

‘He wants you to take care of his mother, at the ceremony, the reception and whilst they bugger-off for a few days.’

‘My pleasure.’

‘The other thing I have to tell you, I mean I’ve been warning him I’ve got to do this for ages, otherwise the whole situation will go tits-up, is, Lady Victoria still doesn’t know about Tuffy’s “special treatments”, sir.’

‘Holy Moses. But, all three of them have been holed-up together for over a year!’

‘Precisely, sir.’

‘Vic knows, I’m sure of it, she’s had the measure of him for over thirty years, probably his mother knows too.’

‘He still has to fess-up.’

‘Of course, he does. What about the witnesses?’

‘Us.’

‘Oh, right. And the reception?’

‘Just the five of us, at their place.’

‘What time of day is the registry office?’

‘2,00pm.’

‘Piece of cake!’

‘I imagine they will require a little more than that, sir.’

‘No, no. All you have to do is get our wicker picnic basket into the car, then into the house. I’ll do the rest. I can’t believe how easy this is going to be. When we were kids, Tuffy’s papa had this kid’s party routine with some magic tricks, simplest misdirection and sleight of hand, but very impressive, even with the adults. Mrs Tufnell will know precisely where they are. What?’

‘That new work done on the chaise longue, it requires thorough crash testing, now.’

A few days later Charlie received a thick wad of paper through the post from Merriweather and Stollard. ‘Is this it?’

‘I imagine so.’

‘They think I should make a prompt appointment to come in to sign, with witnesses, plural?’

‘Well, I imagine everyone else is waiting on you having a free moment, you being so important and all that, for the next few weeks. Everyone really needs to be on board before the Park’s contract with the government kicks in. Brinkley’s back, he needs to sign, along with others, Bernard probably wants to do you all as a job lot.’

‘Why the urgency?’

‘Ah, well. The smaller document is all about permissions to change the Trust, the big one, the thing itself. Now, there is a sense in which, since the old Trust, as it were, becomes null and void, so does, in effect, for all practical purposes, some of its past activities. From the moment it comes in to force, the new Trust is, “squeaky clean and state of art”, to use Bernard’s phraseology...’

‘Certain things get swept under the carpet and stay there.’

‘I say, that’s rather a good way of putting it.’

‘So, what’s become of my mission statement, it’ll take me weeks to read this, let alone understand it.’

‘Well, it couldn’t be reproduced directly, it’s all about the future, our priorities can only be embedded in the law as it is today. We can only start, continue or stop on the basis of the current situation. I’ve found your intentions in at least twenty places so far though.’

‘Give me a couple examples then.’

‘So, as you know, basically we’re talking about residential and commercial buildings in various towns and farmland in the countryside. So, take Melbury Buildings…

‘I wish someone would.’

‘Agreed. I’d happily see it blown-up tomorrow. An appalling Modernist monstrosity, but a cash cow, in terms of the rents. Now, the Trust now says it will seek listed status for all its property. And what’s more it will seek to restore and enhance all. So, as soon as the Trustees start meeting, anyone is entitled to say that steps should be taken immediately to dispose of the above mentioned. Now, financially that is a double blow to the Trust, the cost of restoration-type work on the property we want to keep is astronomical, so we now have online retail and investment, website and social media innovation, behavioural…’

‘Your American investments.’

‘As you say, the Trust need not be restricted. It won’t be dependent on me gifting wads of cash after the event.’

‘And in the country?’

‘Well, for a start all that knocks out modern building on green field sites. But of course, you still get more and more clauses to allow small outhouses on farms provided they are essential utilities built in a style sympathetic to the etc. GMOs are out, trials in the gene-edited allowed. High intensity for animals out, set aside and woodland in, as existing contracts are fulfilled, tenancies fall vacant etc. See what I mean?’

‘I’ll phone now.’

That evening, when Charlotte returned from prep at the Park; ‘You know, having to work to a timetable is doing my head in. I almost joined everyone in the bar.’

‘Well, your membership does entitle you to booze your way through on the house wine for free, should you require it.’

‘No, staying sober whilst others... Well, it’s one of the few advantages I have. Read this.’ It was a three-page student handout like thing, on protocol when interacting with the eleven principals, being culturally aware etc. ‘I’ll never remember it all, I can’t instantly absorb like you.’

‘You won’t have to. So, whose been trying to tutor you in all this?’

‘Some Cabinet Office type.’

‘Who no doubt photocopied most of this from some EU manual. Buffy doesn’t want this.’

‘Go on.’

‘In essence, what is the club?

‘An English boarding school in an old country house, dominated by your lot who were all at the same school!’

‘You are only the waitress, you only understand the Queen’s English, you only speak when spoken to, you automatically serve coffee at eleven, if they want something else, sorry sir, we only have hot water in the coffee machine, they’ve already discovered the heating is off because it’s summer, it’s a Friday, you take it for granted you’ll be serving fish, there are only ten of them, hopefully, including Buffy as host so he’s in charge of the open fire, all the bag carriers are banished to the conference area making do with a cold spread. Besides, you’ve automatically been making sure our spring water and clean glasses are on all the tables.’

‘That’s brilliant.’

‘You are all body language; what FBI forensics would call a natural. All the nine guests, providing the EU can be banished to the ballroom, are as common as muck and only got where they are by ducking and diving, now they have expectations, they think they are entitled. All they get from you is, on first greeting each day, Good morning Prime Minister or Mr President or whatever, then sir or madam. The only person they can turn to is Buffy, I say Trumpton this girl is refusing me, whatever, that’s no girl that’s Sparkwell, treat her right she can get you anything smuggled-in, suddenly you are the Maître d’hôtel, the Concierge. Buffy has them trapped there; they, have to get on, with you.’

‘Buffy wants to start a bun fight?’

‘He wants them, to start one. At some point they’ll discover the Games Room, only then you’ll have them all, including Buffy.’

‘And when all this is going down, you just happen to be catching up on old times with Barmy.’

‘You worked that one out then.’

57: The reunion

‘Daphne! Welcome! You look, resilient.’

‘I’ll take that as a compliment, as someone with teenage daughters. Belated, condolences by the way. How are you, seriously?’

‘Good, everything is working out the way it should.’

‘You’ve taken over her house on the right side of town I gather.’

‘How on earth…’

‘I’ve just been chatting to Charlotte; I was taking a look at the grounds, waiting out my fifteen minutes…’

‘Enjoying a crafty fag.’

‘As you say, and there she was. She, er, dropped the whole Valette thing instantly, she seems a very, sympathetic person.’

‘She’s been on a steep learning curve lately; she’ll be the only one of us with a genuine inside view of the actual Summit. Looks like I’ll be stuck at home.’

‘Funny, Barmy says he’s going to pull a sickie, and monitor the whole thing from his cabin. Says it should be the best laugh on screen for years. Can you actually livestream the whole thing to the portal, not that you would, of course!’

‘Well, bit beyond my skills, but I do know the only thing to hack into would be our club area security cameras, very dull, lousy audio. You know those live fly-on-the-wall reality shows, they only work because there is a very experienced director and cameraman in the control room with the editor.’

‘Really, Barmy seemed to think you could do it with your eyes shut. It sounds pretty loud in the bar, are they all de-mob happy or something?’

‘That, and more cricket. Coffee? Sticky bun?’

‘Thanks, and hat’s-off for the good old Duke, or whatever one is meant to do on such occasions.’

When we were settled, she said; ‘Talking of your Charlotte, you know way back, when she first appeared in the spa, she really put the wind-up the whole lot of them, simply by being there.’

‘She has a certain presence.’

‘They recognised the genuine article when they saw it. Two of them left of their own volition within weeks. Did you know that?’

‘No, but that was how I got her through the door in the first place, raising doubts about the spa and saying I was sure someone with her background could raise standards, so to speak.’

‘You know, now you’re only a mile or so down the road, we’ll all have to start making social calls.’

‘I draw the line at dinner parties. Charlie only tolerates the kitchen, because we take so many meals out - and of course enforces such a strict regime at home, she barely has to do any shopping.’

‘If I didn’t know the back story, I’d think you a very odd couple.’

‘Ha! A while back I made an effort to explain you and Barmy to her. I told her that what really needed explaining was how you two ended up embracing the English suburban lifestyle.’

‘Well, you should try explaining it to me sometime darling! I’m the one who really needs to know. Christ! Hear that? It’s Auld Lang Syne now.’

There ended-up being about fifteen members for lunch. Charlie, in uniform, could be seen shadowing the regular staff, physically rehearsing everything. During lockdown she’d made a few subtle changes to the position of the furniture. The Lady Vic managed to extract Tuffy from the bar a while before lunch, giving him the chance to calm down. At one point I noticed Prudence, apparently alone, and palely loitering, I feared the worst so waved her over. ‘What no Rory?’

‘He’s been recalled for more media training.’

‘Ah.’

‘And he’s been almost totally frozen out of the summit, all he gets is playing second fiddle to your Uncle at the meet and greet.’

‘Well, if it’s any consolation, the Earl and Countess will only be here for about an hour and a half. Their only permanent presence is the flag on the roof.’

‘Surely they’ll be insisting on the Union Jack,’ said Daphne.

‘No, that’s the only non-negotiable part of the deal. I’ve already had to pull Buffy up about his lack of constitutional knowledge. The Union Jack has no meaning or status in such matters what so ever. It’s merely a modern celebration of the Union. Short of the monarch being present, when obviously it’s the Royal Standard, it’s always his flag. Indeed, Uncle’s ancestors were granted their coat of arms by the Crown anyway, so...’

At which point Charlie passed behind my chair; ‘Gone in ten.’

‘Okay.’

‘Something on?’ Asked Daphne.

‘Scheduled video call, at home, with the man himself.’

‘Do you two never stop trying to get the better of each other?’

‘Never. Especially today. If we’re all going to be hacked during this whole thing, then it will start today, they will need to try and trawl all my kit in the Media Room first, and they’ll get twenty minutes.’

‘Will you know?’

‘Depends, their kit will have to learn as it goes, in stages, give itself feedback, there should be alerts.’

‘And if there aren’t?’

‘Either a hundred per cent success, or a hundred per cent fail, or they’re not trying. Things are rarely one hundred per cent in life.’

‘You could fail to notice, human error.’

‘Which is why, if they succeed, then it’s almost certainly Barmy who’s told them how.’

‘No! No way, Tony.’

‘He knows more than I. He may have made a judgement that it was the right thing to do for all our sakes.’

‘But he’s sold his soul to the Americans, you know that better than most.’

‘Exactly. Legally speaking, the US doesn’t snoop on its own citizens, nor the UK on its own subjects, they don’t have to, the GCHQ does it for them, the NSA for us.’

‘Rory has been assured that’s a complete myth.’ Declared Prue.

‘Well, I’m sure he has impeccable sources these days. Right then, time to make a move, see you, whenever.’

‘Good lord Anthony, you appear better set-up than any of us.’

‘Hang-on a second, I’ll give you a 360-degree view for the benefit of everyone watching, Charlotte’s in the room by the way.’

‘Ha! Carrie does that, lounge in the background. We’re all still looking for Nancy Astor’s missing chaise longue. Afternoon Sparkwell.’

‘Prime Minister.’

‘Palm trees, and a sea view. Well, well, well.’

‘One other thing, let me zoom in, there on my screen, security alerts, coming thick and fast, see? Each one a repeated attempt to trawl me.’

‘And failing presumably, why would we be doing that?’

‘Well, if you want to snoop on anyone, anything, at the Park, by hacking their devices, you have to take me out first. The entire Park is run from here, the only other significant shareholders are the Earl and Aunt Julia, and everything automatically back-ups to their devices.’

‘I’m forever telling them to fuck-off, but of course there’s no way of telling if they have!’

‘The problem is Charlotte will be carrying her work mobile, right, which is on this network, with an earpiece for emergencies. If she can’t carry them, she’s out of there.’

‘Hang-on Anthony, I’m being told something. How is that possible? Your joking! I’m not allowed to say. There are more ways than one to skin a cat. Anthony!’

‘Prime Minister.’

‘Who provides your security?’

‘Well, it’s a mix, of off-the-shelf commercial kit and software.’

‘Okay, well who tells you what to buy?

‘Well, most of the time I can work it out for myself, if I get stuck, I ask Barmy.’

‘Christ! He’s working for the Yanks.’

‘Well, only in the sense that he’s given up his intellectual property rights over his current project. All his personal digital assets are held in the UK now, he was even granted full UK citizenship the other day.’

‘Really. They’re still telling me not to tell you anything.’

‘In that case, why don’t I guess?’

‘Go on then.’

‘Yes, they were trying to trawl as a precursor to a hack. They got the same alerts I got. Thought I was attempting to trawl them, then realised as they got even more repeated fails, there is only one possible explanation, we are all using the same software, the same updates, they were attempting, in effect, to trawl themselves. This whole operation is being led locally by the Navy, therefore… You know Daphne told me at lunch he plans to throw a sickie over the whole four days and watch it all from his cabin on his screen.’

‘Bastard! I’ll have him out of there.’

‘Oh, I wouldn’t do that, if the system goes down, he’s the only one who’ll be able to fix it!’

‘What does Sparkwell think?’

‘Sir?’

‘Don’t bother, she thinks it’s all boy’s games, she’s still reading The Beacon on her tablet, see?’

46: The gathering storm

‘A little early for sowing grass seed surely?’ So said Uncle peering out from the veranda bar at the Park.

‘Well, there’s unlikely to be a penetrating frost.’

‘But doing it, when the ground is so soft…’

‘No, no, matey has a high-tech golf course thingy, whereby the tractor can throw the seed without ever leaving the rough, apparently.’

‘Still, cost you a few thousand if you have to do the whole lot again.’

‘Fear not, the special funding is more than adequate. Fancy another?’

‘Why not.’ Replied Uncle.

Then Cat wandered in. ‘Your Lordship. What ho, Tony! Where on earth is everyone?’

‘Good question. Rory and Frimley, one imagines, are stalking the corridors of Whitehall, no doubt discussing the virtues of the double-breasted suit when they should be attending to the impending crises. Wooley, our man in the media, will certainly be focused on all the upheaval, ascertaining the views of his readership, better to direct his outrage. Barmy is on-board our latest aircraft carrier somewhere in the north Atlantic - probably Portsmouth harbour according to Daphne. Tuffy will be following Lady Victoria around, everywhere!’

‘And the redoubtable?’ Asked Uncle.

‘About ten minutes away I trust, she commandeered my car for an overnight stay with her home-counties parents, something about getting the remainder of her kit from the loft.’

Then a man who did prime minister impressions came on the telly and announced a national lockdown.

‘I say, this is all getting a bit thick.’ Exclaimed Cat.

‘Isn’t it just.’

‘Does he mean us?’

‘He means everybody, I should give some thought as to where you intend to hole-up.’

‘Difficult to take a chap seriously when you remember him all spotty and with ink-stained fingers.’

‘Or reciting Homer, dressed in only a bedsheet...’ Suddenly I was conscious of the bar beginning to fill up, so I beat a hasty retreat to the carpark, there to await Charlotte and do a bit of quick thinking.

‘What’s on your mind?’

‘Blimey, how did you slip in without me noticing?’

‘I was already here.’

‘Oh, right. Hear the news?’

‘On the radio. No doubt you’ve already formulated a plan.’

‘Well not really, other than to postpone the turf laying on the greens.’

‘Will the Park close?’

‘Yes, almost certainly, but I do have one idea about the club.’

‘Come on then, I’ve cleared a space on the passenger seat.’

For a two-seater sports, it was remarkable how much Charlie had managed to cram in, it took several trips to unload at the apartment. ‘Might one enquire the nature of the items within these dusty boxes? Childhood treasures perhaps?’

‘A few, maybe. Mainly college stuff. Old clothes. Won’t be half as much once I’ve sorted it all, lots can go to the night shelter shop.’

‘I’ve been meaning to say, since the shelter is your main charity thing, we could get organised and throw the weight of the Trust behind them. You might suggest to whoever heads it up, to work up a proposal to put before the trustees.’

‘Really? Actually, I think he has a sort of regular presentation, a PowerPoint he hawks around.’

‘In fact, we the trustees, could insist that you act on our behalf and take a seat on their board, committee - whatever.’

‘There’s something I have to tell you. Well two things really. You know Captain Bob?’

‘The old relic who’s forever sitting at the outside tables of your old place of employment?’

‘He used to be my landlord.’

‘But I thought he was hard up, living on some old tub, forever in trouble with the harbour authorities over mooring fees or whatever. What are you smirking for?’

‘Ah ha! So, the great Sherlock can be deceived by appearances!’

‘Clearly I’m not close enough to the street.’

‘His yacht, pride of the marina, cost almost two million - twenty years ago!’

‘Gor-blimey, Govnor! In that case how could you afford one of the state rooms?’

‘He took pity on me when I was on my beam ends.’

‘He taught you all the nautical jargon then?’

‘He taught me a lot of things.’

‘Oh yes?’

‘The thing is, he was the one who told me who you were. One night on deck, he said; “You’d never guess that Tony you flirt with at the cafe lives in one of the flats in that terrace”.’

‘I see. But there really is some sort of dispute about his spot in the harbour.’

‘Yes. He refuses to pay the top level of rent, believes everyone should pay a flat fee, set at the lowest level. Says that ultimately, it’s just a money raising scam by the council, since everyone gets the same sized berth, the same service - or rather non-service!’

‘Right.’

‘But he takes the moral high ground, since he is the largest donor to the night shelter, dwarfing the council’s contribution, which is just discounted rent and rates, plus bugger all done about maintaining the building.’

‘You said there were two things.’

‘Father. He’s obviously been researching you. He was fishing about, “any marriage plans”, seems you get his approval. Wanted to assure me he’d be willing to fork-out, if everything was done properly. Seen to be done properly more like, he belongs to a group of Christian lawyers.’

‘Oh, really.’

Later that day, coming in from the kitchen with Tea, Charlie declared; ‘You look pensive.’

‘Yes, rummy phone call as Uncle might say. I’ve just been speaking to the hospital; they’ve put me off again. The first time they just advised don’t visit now because she has some sort of infection and the physio has not really got going. Now, they say visitors are prohibited full stop, auntie’s infection hasn’t improved, but they can’t say whether it’s covid-19 because they haven’t been able to test.’

‘Not good.’

‘She can’t go to the General because it’s full, but she does get oxygen from time to time.’

‘How old is she, precisely?’

‘Seventy-nine. I don’t know what to think, I don’t even know if they’ve got all the protective gear that they’re all talking about.’

A few days later we had our first masked intruder, Tuffy looked ridiculous on camera. ‘Let him in, for now.’

He was clearly agitated. ‘I’ll kill him!’

‘Calm yourself, old friend of my youth.’

‘It’s a vendetta, he’s always had it in for me, now he’s drunk with power.’

‘You can’t seriously believe the purpose of the lockdown is to put the kibosh on your wedding arrangements.’

‘How did you know I was... Worst of it is, Victoria thinks I should be able to use my influence to get some kind of exemption.’

‘But that’s just Vic taking the piss out of you, surely?’

‘What can you mean?’

‘Er, well anyway, I’m sure Charlie has a fix, ah yes, talk of the devil.’

‘If you’d care to step this way Mr Tufnell, sir’

‘Feel better?’

‘Much. I’ve never Skyped or Zoomed!’

‘Really?’

‘Charlotte says she’s only offering online support from now on.’

‘Well yes, I mean strictly speaking you shouldn’t be here right now, should you?’

‘I suppose not, do you really have to close the club?’

‘We just need to move online, that’s my plan anyway.’

‘How on earth?’

‘Well, if I can recruit the right person, and I think I can, then it’ll be a new pucka website for the Park. It will be fully interactive, the club members portal will have a forum with any kind of posting and video conferencing, the Games Room becomes at least one exclusive online game, links to key sports - if they happen! Daily email newsletter drawing everyone in, but best of all, if I look sharp about it, there is still time to scan the club interior in the latest 3D fashion.’

‘Why do that?’

‘So you, get the illusion that everything is happening from your favourite comfy chair in the lounge or stool in the bar. Come to think of it, I’ll try getting the conference area done too - that would place anybody in the audience for anything!’

45: There's a bug going around

‘If you care to proceed to the kitchen sir, I’ve laid out our election night spread.’

I duly obeyed. ‘Goodness! Party food. But surely, all of this, well, it’s not food at all by your usual strict criteria.’

‘I know, but look closer. It’s the health food store’s artificial version of artificial food, if you see what I mean. All made with sugar substitute stuff, but using some kind of dodgy veg oil I think, otherwise it would all fall apart.’

‘So, not only will it taste of less than nothing, we have no idea whether it’s even more dangerous to health than the original.’

‘I know.’

‘This is my reward for not distancing myself enough from politics I suppose. Nice of you to go to all the trouble.’

‘Actually, it wasn’t any trouble, because of the time of year, the store has a kind of kid’s bran tub thingy at the cash desk. So, I used up all the points on my store card.’

‘Oh right, the card you failed to get passed Brinkley.’

‘That’s the one! So anyway, before you switch on the tv, what’s the result going to be?’

‘I really don’t know.’

‘Yes, but that’s what your head says, what’s your gut feeling?’

‘Buffy’s going to get away with it, a majority of say, between forty and fifty?’

‘What! No way! Surely not? They must be wrong.’ So exclaimed Charlie a few moments after 10,00pm.

‘Trouble is, unlike opinion polls, these exit polls that have been introduced in the last couple of decades have been getting more and more accurate.’

‘Then why aren’t you punching the air? Rory will romp it with a majority of, what?’

‘Er, just about five thousand, if it is a swing of around ten per cent. It’s too much, not for Rory I mean - Buffy will be insufferable.’

‘Shouldn’t have got into bed with him then.’

‘Time to make a hasty withdrawal, via the back staircase. From now on I’m turning on, tuning in and dropping out - as Uncle used to be fond of saying.’

‘Eat your treats.’

There are two kinds of people, those who require one screen on their desks and those who require two. I’m a one screen person but I’ve met plenty of the other sort. Market traders, bankers, bookies, people with security responsibilities etc. The second screen sits there in their peripheral vision, often their whole working lives. Their brains unconsciously absorb and learn the patterns, then notice difference. Those of us with one screen like one task at a time, but we have our regular habits - and sometimes the irregular just shouts something’s wrong. It was just before Christmas that I found myself reading online another of those Chinese health stories that occur every few years, a rush of pneumonia cases, suggestive of a virus - is it another strain of flu? Video of the authorities taking even more elaborate tech precautions than usual. I found I was still staring at the screen some minutes after finishing the story. Markets will fall, I thought to myself. China is the most important economy even if no one admits it yet. Why should I be feeling concern? A little of the Trust’s assets had been invested with listed companies, but only the safest - banks, insurance companies and the like. The Trust acts a bit like a pension fund really… Then I had it, this is personal, a personal health scare.

‘Brinkley. Good morning to you. The Trust money you persuaded us to invest in the markets a year or so ago, how’s it doing? ..Jumped since the election, well that’s good then. Be so kind as to contact matey, now - and tell him to sell it all, today. ..Yes, it may well rise further, but I have a bad feeling about China. ..Yes. ..No. You’ll find written instructions are already in your inbox.’

After hectic post-election Christmas celebrations at the Park, Charlie finally got a proper sit-down tea at Aunt Elisabeth’s on Boxing Day. In fact, she made quite a hit with the members of the Book Club. Firstly, on account of having braved the elements in a rather spectacular floral peasant dress, secondly, she knew the book they had all been digesting - Only A Factory Girl by Rosie M Banks. It was a reissue by the Nonsuch Press in their Modern Romantic Classics series. It turned out she’d read a first edition when she was fourteen, the volume in question being owned by her mother, but with an inscription on the flyleaf written in her grandmother’s childhood fist!

Once literary criticism had been exhausted, conversation turned inevitably to gossip. I was shocked to discover that several of the assembled company were already aware of a surprise announcement made at the club lunch barely forty-eight hours previously. Tuffy had taken it upon himself to make a speech, uninvited. He’d rambled for a while about how throughout his life he’d been unlucky in love. There had been definite murmurings of discontent from the crowd. I’d begun to feel anxious myself, but then he’d suddenly announced that Lady Victoria Herring had graciously consented to be his wife. This was followed by a moment of stunned silence before myself and others realised, we’d better start clapping like crazy.

‘So, what do we know of the gal?’ Aunt Elisabeth appeared to be addressing me with her comment.

‘Hardly a girl, aunt. Tuffy and I first met her when we were at school and had signed-up for formal dance classes, she was one of the girls bused in from St. Hilda’s to help out. We took to her right away because she obviously knew what she was doing, even then all her leisure hours were dominated by the ballet. She and Tuffy went out together a few years later, he even got as far as introducing her to his mother, but nothing much transpired.’

‘Of a suitable age, well that at least is reassuring.’

‘Oh, Vic’s alright, what I don’t comprehend is why a woman, having gone to all the trouble of getting rid of one husband, barely six months previously, should want to take on another?’

‘Moneyed is he, this Tufnell fella?’ So spoke the only other male at the tea party. It was Murchison, who had been Aunt’s jobbing gardener throughout the years of her widowhood, but also shared her taste in literature.

‘Really Kenneth! A little tact please.’

‘Well, Tuffy’s father did rather well, but how much remains I haven’t a clue. Tuffy and his mother live very simply in a rather lovely Victorian terraced house - two storeys below street level, three above, plus attic quarters, the whole works! It was there that Tuffy’s father introduced me to Sherlock Holmes, in the perfect Baker Street house.’

‘I hear all Lady Victoria’s divorce settlement went into opening her art gallery.’ This from the lady who used to work at the library.

‘Well, that I can neither confirm nor deny I’m afraid. I assume she has some money of her own, the Herring fortune was a large one in bygone days.’ At that point Charlie nudged me hard enough to rattle my china tea cup, I took it as a cue to stop rambling and shut up.

The conversation drifted to other local characters with whom I have little interest. Finally, as the Aunt made efforts to draw the encounter to a close, she apologised to the assembled company, saying she would be unable to attend their next get together due to a prior engagement at a local hospital. It appeared her medical advisors had persuaded her to seek a surgical solution to some of her joint problems. But she assured everyone, she would get stuck into the prescribed reading.

31: Sparkwell, countrywoman

‘I’m home!’

‘How did it go?’

‘First thing she asked was where I’d eat if I were on my own, we went there. I can’t imagine she enjoyed it much, said she was feeling her age, wanted to stay in touch with the young.’

‘She’s a brick.’ I replied.

‘Anyway, I think the real purpose was to prepare me for seeing my first article in print, heavily edited.’

‘Inevitable I guess, at the beginning. Arrangements?’

‘She wants you at Checkley for as long possible, so your Uncle will stay at home, rather than hanging around with you at the Park. She has a point.’

‘Absolutely. We can only move so fast at the Park, completing stuff can happen only as revenues go up. Otherwise there will be a crisis with loan repayments. The place has to be self-sustaining even if that falls short of restoring its former glory. The bigger and better the Park gets, the more it costs to run. I think Uncle imagines I may be willing to hand over a sizable chunk of the Trust, well, not unless there’s a proven return.’

‘And, she wants me to have the pleasure of breaking bad news, her words not mine.’

‘Oh yes.’

‘She’s made her Will.’ There was the tremor of an approaching smirk on Charlie’s face.

‘And that’s bad?’

‘You might think so.’

‘Well, you have to remember I was dumped on her as a child, not her choice, she always had to find ways to out manoeuvre me…’

‘Well she has now, maybe. So take it like a man and remember it’s not my idea.’

‘So?’

‘It’s a two line Will, everything in her name, which she says as of now is “diddlysquat” because the magazine is a liability, goes to you, except the twelve per cent of the Park company…’

‘Oh no!’

‘Comes to me.’

‘Thank the good lord she’s only fifty-nine and in rude health, as they used to say.’

‘And that’s another thing, she said it is actually your fiftieth this year. You, kind of implied…'

‘Plus Tuffy, Barmy, Cat and others too numerous to mention.’

‘Whilst we’re about it, how old is your uncle?’

‘Er, he will be seventy-two in the autumn.’

‘So, you’ve all got years really.’

‘So one would imagine. No it’s lawyers, they make you hyper conscious of these things.’

‘Julia’s not sure if your Uncle has actually signed a Will yet, apparently he sees his lawyers on a regular basis regarding the estate, but there may only have been lots of discussion. Now then, in other news, sir. Mr Tufnell will be calling within the hour. Do I need to be briefed?’

‘I confess that I could, and will later, should you require it, but it’s better if I don’t bias your impressions beforehand.’

‘Why does that fill me with unease?’

‘Well that’s my point really, you may be getting to know more about me than you want to know.’

‘Tuffy, old man.’

‘Don’t you “Tuffy, old man” me.’

‘You look quite, well, ashen faced, that’s if you remember open fires?’

‘Of course I do, some of us are lobbying for one at the Park. Which I suppose means you, something else you’ve got your fingers into.’

‘Tell me all about it. What irks you?’

‘Who, you mean! Only that friend of yours, that Chateau-bottled shit Trumpton.’

‘Hardly a friend Tuffy, in fact more of an enemy really.’

‘It always amazed us how you could stick him. A cheat, a bully, and violent!’

‘I stuck him, so as to get you lot out of trouble on more than one occasion.’

‘Alright, I concede that.’

‘Just tell me.’

‘No, I’ll confide only in Charlotte, she’s the reason I’m here.’

‘The treatment room is prepared, sir. I’ve worked out a new programme…’

When Tuffy emerged an hour or so later, he certainly looked transformed. ‘You’ll stay for tea?’

‘Very well, I’m calmer now, we must stick together whatever life throws at us, Charlotte’s given me the strength to carry on, but what am I to do Tony?’

‘You forget, you haven’t told me the nature of the problem yet.’

‘Oh yes, of course. It’s Carrie, she’s gone back to that blond bovine.’

‘And the reason given?’

‘She just went all gored-helpless and said she supposed it must be the “aphrodisiac effect of power”, can you believe it?’

‘Tea, gentlemen?’

‘Bless you again, Charlotte.’

I must have had a quizzical look on my face, for then she came out with; ‘The sugar is there for Mr Tufnell only, sir - he needs the energy.’ And with that she retreated to the kitchen.

‘I’m glad she’s keeping a tight rein on you old man; you’ve had far too freer hand with the ladies over the years in my opinion.’

‘Yes, well, that’s as maybe. The thing about Carrie; she’s a good time girl, she likes men full stop. And good luck to her I say, I mean where would any of us be without…’

‘You mean only a girl like that, would go with a chap like me!’

‘On the contrary my dear fellow. What I was about to suggest was that you have been underestimating yourself. Now I know it’s a few years ago but think of all the girls you used to know, the ones who made it all the way to a Tea with your mother.’

‘I haven’t thought of them in years, how odd you should remember.’

‘Well not really. Haven’t you heard? Lady Victoria has just come out of a rather messy divorce.’

‘I didn’t know that.’

‘Well you should have Tuffy, at such times old friends are expected to rally round.’

‘Well I have to take my hat off to you.’

‘You don’t wear hats.’

‘I’ve got my baseball cap for when the roof’s down and I’m driving into the sun.’

‘And your point is?’

‘That conversation chimed perfectly with what Tuffy told me on my table. Were you listening at the door?’

‘No, unlike you I don’t have to listen at doors.’

‘Ah ha! Members of the jury, we have heard the clear admission, from the defendant himself, that he knew of the preceding events, and we maintain he was indeed the architect of the goings on that led to the downfall of the victim in this case…’

‘I say, that’s rather good.’

‘My father’s a barrister.’

‘Good lord!’

‘So, I saw you chatting to Trumpton at the wedding, he’s actually one of your lot too?’

‘Precisely.’

‘Do we fear him?’

‘No. We are both so compromised that the downfall of one is the downfall of the other. But officially we are arch enemies.’

‘Is he as good as you?’

‘No, but then he doesn’t have to be, he has the common touch.’

‘To hear Tuffy, you’d think he was a thug.’

‘That’s because Tuffy is soft as shit.’

‘Now that’s it, isn’t it! That’s the nub of it. The bit I don’t get. Have you been standing by a friend all your life because he needs protecting, or is he in fact always the fall guy?’

‘Well, unbelievable as it may seem, when it’s a tight knit group, they’re kind of one and the same thing.’

‘Go on.’

‘Tuffy gets caught in the crossfire all the time, because he just can’t see when to get out of the way.’

‘So, Carrie?’

‘Buffy wants Carrie back, I fix it. I remind her she’s wanted, that there’s a job to do worthy of her skills. Then I set about putting Tuffy back together and sending him on his way to an even brighter future? Everyone’s a winner.’

‘Not sure how I feel about all this, being drawn in.’

‘Do you feel you’ve done anything unethical or that you’re ashamed of in the last year?’

‘Certainly not.’

‘Well there you are then.’

24: Recollections of a long life - gone astray

We first heard word of an impending crises at Checkley Manor when Julia texted, asking for a crash meeting. ‘What should I reply?’

‘Er, “We are at the Dissipated Kipper till about 12,00am comma with Tuffy Tufnell full stop”. That should do it.’

‘Why are we here?’

‘Good question, now I’m not particularly religious as you know…’

‘I mean why are we here, meeting Tuffy, I only sorted him a couple of days ago.’

‘I’m sure you did. But I haven’t spoken with him for a while, thought we might catch up.’

‘But why here, a gastropub is hardly your cup of tea.’

‘Well, makes a change. You never waitressed here then?’

‘No. Wish I had now, could have learnt to do proper silver service.’

‘Is that what they call it, formal waiting at table?’

‘Of course.’


When Tuffy arrived I invited him to sit down and asked him what he fancied. ‘That’s alright old man, I’ll order myself at the bar.’ And he was gone.

A moment or two later I turned around and there he was chatting away; ‘My, God. He’s even faster out of the trap than I’d imagined.’

‘Oh no, he’s not trying to pick-up the barmaid?’

‘Succeeding by the look of it. I assumed I’d have to give him a bit of a nudge.’

‘You’re setting him up! After what happened the last time?’

‘Yes, but Carrie’s much more his type and more likely to come across.’

‘And… You’d know all about that I suppose? What’s going on? This is a proper thought through scheme, isn’t it?’

‘You don’t wanna know.’

‘No I don’t, but you think she’s a serious contender for a relationship?’

‘Yep, and the perfect distraction.’

You… You’ve just let me off the hook.’

‘That was the general idea. And I don’t want to know either.’


‘I want you to hack your Uncle…’

‘Say that again.’

‘Stop him, make the words fall off his screen, or whatever it is you do.’

‘That’s not exactly the business I’m in, Julia.’

‘No, but you know people who do.’

‘In the most extreme circumstances, associates of associates, I suppose.’

‘Well this is a real emergency Tony - all our reputations are at stake.’

‘How come?’

‘Your Uncle has taken up writing his memoirs again.’

‘Oh, golly good!’ Turning to Charlie; ‘This has been an on-off project of Uncle’s for some years now, working title - Recollections of a Long Life.’

‘Well he has to be stopped.’

‘Why? You’ve been allowed to read some of it.’

‘Not really, I just caught a glance over his shoulder, that was enough.’

‘What did it say?’

‘It said, “..sometimes I see reflected in my nephew, myself as a younger man”.’

‘Oh, come Julia, that’s the sort of thing that would worry my Aunt Elisabeth, but not you!’

‘I know you Tony, and I know my husband, I know precisely what he intends.’

‘Anyway, Charlie and I are a team now, anything you require of me, will require her approval.’

‘Does Charlotte want to read about the Sixties and Seventies from someone who was there and does remember? All about a couple, who’s company she hopes to go on enjoying for the foreseeable. I’d be embarrassed to be a guest in my own house.’

‘But really, if this is just the old stories about running naked through the woods, high on whatever…’

‘From whom did you here that? Not your Uncle I trust?’

‘I don’t recall. Ill-informed servant’s hall gossip no doubt.’

‘It would be better for all of us if the entire period was airbrushed out.’

‘At the risk of having my head bitten off, who cares? Uncle isn’t exactly a public figure. He’d be unlikely to find a publisher anyway.’

‘But what if he does it as a blog or an e-book? Bots will search, names will link, everyone will know.’

‘Wait a second, let me get this clear. You’re saying Uncle will name, names; some of those are the rich and famous and that will mean his revelations will show up in search results and suggested links all over the Web?

‘Yes.’

‘But why would he name people?’

‘Revenge.’

‘Can I take your order, sir? Nice to see you Tony darling, you are stopping for lunch?’


‘So, what’s he using to write the Recollections?’

‘Bought a new laptop, paid cash for some reason.’

‘Oh yes. You, helped him set up then, got him online?’

‘No, no, he’s been going to a night class, they helped him with all that. Besides, he said he didn’t need to connect to my Wi-Fi yet.’

‘I bet he didn’t.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘I think he’s read you like a book, anticipated you’d come to me, taken avoiding action. You didn’t happen to notice if he’d bought uninstalled software on old fashioned discs or flash drives etc.’

‘He said he needed back-up.’

‘Nothing much you can do then I’m afraid. Nothing much any of us can do, if it was all set up with help in a “dead” location, allowing the disabling of location tracking, the Wi-Fi and perhaps more besides. And presumably he’s not done something dumb like carrying a mobile whilst he was doing all this?’

‘Still hasn’t got one.’

‘Well there you are then. Sorry and all that. Just don’t go doing something silly like breaking his password and copying the text into your machine.’

‘Why not?’

‘Because it would go straight into your cloud account. Then it would come down to your own default settings. Privacy is usually all about permissions to share, it doesn’t stop your operating system suggesting links for viewing based on whatever content you’ve given it! You might see a link to advice or an app; something interesting about copyright, attribution, plagiarism, libel etc. You click on and read, thinking I must stop Uncle making an arse of himself, yet all the time you are actually, bit by bit, putting his stuff out there for him…’

‘But that’s awful.’

‘Well, only if you think the thinking machine is your enemy, rather than making it your friend.’

‘And how is that supposed to happen?’

‘Well, it sort of requires a change of world view, seeing the machine not as part of some other realm or virtual world, but part of the here and now, it brought us here today via text, sits at the table with us, we interact with it in much the same way as we do with each other, gossiping about you and uncle and the past, showing what we feel. Me trying to be helpful whilst at the same time wondering whether Tuffy is still in the building, because after all I’m pretty certain that when I go and pay the bill I’ll find Carrie loitering ready to interrogate me about said friend…’

‘Who is this Carrie person?’

‘The barmaid, used to be something in PR, associate of the infamous Buffy Trumpton.'

‘All you’ve done is depress me Tony, I was going to reward a positive outcome with an offer about Christmas.’ Suddenly Charlie grabbed me under the table and hung-on - I took it as a danger signal.

‘Ah yes, well we’ve not come to a view as yet on what to do with our Christmases.’

‘So what is your advice, re said memoirs.’

‘Don’t interfere, let him do as he wishes, I can’t believe he’s not taken your feelings into account. After all, a whiff of scandal might be just the thing to shift a few books at the end of day!’


‘I don’t do Christmas.’ Charlotte said categorically, pausing, reluctant to start the engine. ‘I’ll stay at home if you’ve got commitments.’

‘We can do better than that, devise a way of avoiding Christmas altogether. We are not without resources. Of course, there is another alternative.’

‘How do you mean?’

‘Create the Christmas we always wanted but never had. I mean, if Charles Dickens could fix it for an entire nation, it can’t be that difficult for the two of us!’