135: Valet parking

‘...then I had to change my trousers, with the Don cooing over my tatts!’ Exclaimed Sparkwell as she chauffeured me towards the club.

‘At least you knew he wasn’t admiring the rest of you.’

‘Oh! I almost forgot, why is Captain Bob so happy?

‘One royal visit that went off without a hitch? The promise of further patronage?’

‘More than that, I knew him long before I met you, remember? It was like, the visit had solved all sorts of stuff, a weight of his shoulders. He said; “Tell Tony we did it, we bloody well did it.” I know the only reason you two would cut me out, is it must be politics.’

‘Politics and the bureaucracy that comes with it. Now then, national government and local government are by no means the same thing. However, you remember with the railway how we took advantage of the chaos of the end of one parliament and the start of the chaos of another, well, our local government is in the limbo of reorganisation. What the county and the cities are responsible for is changing, just as the districts are disappearing. I’ll be better able to explain after my lunch with counsel for the defence.’

As we entered the Park, Walpole could be seen hovering by the unusually open back door, it being of course the original front door to the house. The scene made our legal eagle look like the owner of a very fine country seat. ‘I’ll drop you at the door, sir.’

‘Very well, Sparkwell.’

‘Then proceed to park, I’ll be around should you require me.’

I did my best to gracefully exit the two-seater. Approaching, I proclaimed; ‘You look like the lord and master of all you survey!’

‘Oh, thank you very much, I must say the ambience here does give one a rather unique feeling of ownership.’

‘And the look suits you.’

‘You flatter me.’

‘Not in the least. Only too appropriate, since today you’re my host.’

Then his gaze shifted to the carpark behind me; ‘What’s your paramour doing, exactly?’

I turned; ‘My valette, is merely preparing to vacuum the interior. Keeping everything spick and span. She’s a very disciplined woman, especially when in uniform.’

‘I see. I don’t mean to be rude, but there’s always seems something, well, borderline kinky about your relationship.’

‘I say! Steady on old man.’

‘During my career I was often forced to spend long hours viewing the prosecution evidence held by Vice, decidedly un-erotic videos, but one learnt to recognise the traits of the sub and the dom.’

‘Sparkwell and I enjoy a high trust relationship, I can assure you.’

‘Ah. Of course, you could hardly swop around roles all the time without it.’

‘We’re not in the cells below the Bailey now, and I’m not your client.’

‘Just a bit of fun. In the hour of our great victory.’

‘You think we, have won?’

‘Oh, yes. And to cap it all you’ve made Charlie a star.’

‘Well, given her fifteen minutes of fame anyway.’

‘I’ve known The Beacon a lot longer than you. I’d say she’s well on the way to becoming a national treasure. Helene reads, every day, the print edition of The Beacon’s principal rival, her world view is built upon it. Now they normally have the edge when comes to royal stories, but now they’ve been utterly humiliated. And no doubt had to pay Don a small fortune for the privilege.’

‘Let’s go in.’

‘Of course.’

We passed by the flight simulator, it had an ‘Out of order’ notice on it; ‘What! Not again. What is it this time?’

‘Barmy’s uploading a software update of his own devising.’ Said an anonymous voice.

‘One wonders why, when all it’s only ever used for is refighting World War Two.’ I said as an aside to Walpole.

In time we settled to lunch. ‘So, what makes you confident everything’s in the bag?’

‘At my last meeting at county hall, when they finally signed off on footpaths, bridepaths, lineside fencing and reinstalled level crossings, one of the officials said we’d better hurry up with car park applications because reorganisation was already causing endless delays. It was on the tip of my tongue to declare; “There will be no car parks” when I thought there might be an advantage to keeping quiet.’

‘You think they are thinking they can just sit back and watch the chaos of choked country lanes and mass illegal parking as seen in other parts of the country where, unlike us, lines are cut off from the network? And with the additional assumption that we’ll be encouraging it in a desperate attempt to maximise visitor numbers in order to turn a profit.’

‘Waiting their moment to hit us with court orders and massive fines.’

‘How could they not know?’

‘Filter bubbles! Ideological and geographic.’

‘Blimey! As Charlie would say.’

‘Anyway, I then decided to snoop a little, mindful of what you and Bernard have said about the status of Royal Oak. One or two of the councillors also sit on health and social care committees. Similar delays in enforcing regulations, similar sitting back thinking they’ll hit Charlie and Co at a time of maximum impact. A combination of bureaucratic pettiness and moral superiority. And an addiction to spending other people’s money.’

‘Just in time then.’

‘Two knockout blows delivered on the same day. The ultimate endorsement. And lots of free publicity.’

‘We win in the final court of appeal, before they even litigate.’

‘Nothing can stop you now Anthony.’

Suddenly there was the sound of a most appalling scream, male in origin was my guess, and emanating from just outside in the garden.

In the push to get to the front door, originally the back door, and the collision outside, caused by working out which direction to go in, I lost sight of Walpole. We, the crowd, however were soon forced to pull-up just short of the spa by the scene that presented itself, it looked to be some form of water torture. To one side of the spa’s little drinking fountain, there was what might be described as like a large, broad, garden water butt, full and overflowing. Amongst the overspill creeping across the ground towards us were clearly visible ice cubes. Inside the container was what appeared to be a naked Tuffy, desperately struggling, but failing to extricate himself. Alongside stood Sparkwell, now in fitness trainer’s apparel, clutching a stopwatch and clipboard, looking on with cold detachment.

Walpole, who’d succeeded in nudging his way through the cheering and goading crowd, declared; ‘I’m reliably informed it’s a freebie from the Rep trying to sell the spa a sauna, it’s a DIY garden cold plunge.’

Soon Tuffy seemed to exhaust himself, calmed down, and realised the quickest way out was the reverse of the way he got in. On emerging he was revealed to be wearing white undergarments, now clinging and transparent, exposing his much-shrivelled appendage. After he’d rapidly departed, the crowd quietened down considerably. Someone commented; ‘What I don’t understand is how she got him in there in the first place?’

Some wit replied; ‘Led him up the garden path, literally.’

No one questioned the treatment being metered out. Knowing Tuffy of old, everyone rather took it for granted that the punishment fitted the crime. Walpole drew me to one side; ‘There you go, I told you. Tell me, what does she call herself in private, Mistress Charlotte?’

122: In the swing of it

Despite Charlie’s assertion that Cat Mackintosh would have no time-off from organising the golf, nonetheless I found him loitering one day in the veranda bar at the club. ‘What ho, what ho, my old former companion at arms!’

‘Oh, hello Tony.’

‘You look a little glum, my old son. Don’t tell me, the hassle of the golf tournament has induced a mood of melancholy.’

‘No, no. Its Annabella, she wants me to raise something with you, might be a bit of a thorny issue.’

‘Steel yourself, old friend of my youth.’

‘Fact is, she wants to sell number forty-two.’

‘Makes sense.’

‘But she’s worried about security of tenure at your apartment. I mean we’ve got used to it, it’s much more desirable than forty-two, but you’re hardly in a position to guarantee that low rent for ever, I mean you don’t actually own it do you, your trust does.’

‘Yes, we’ve retained it since my father’s day. Though there’s no real reason to now. I say, Annabella isn’t selling because you’re short of the readies?’

‘No, just surplus to requirements.’

‘Well then, why don’t you buy a lease on my apartment?’

‘We’re not that flush old man! The place is the envy of all the other residents, and if it’s never been on the market, the price could sky rocket.’

‘But Cat, you know the owner, you’re the sitting tenant. Persuade me to persuade the trustees to let you have it, for whatever price you get for forty-two.’

There was a definite pause for thought; ‘What do you want?’

‘What I want is Northcott Electrics, I've found a worthy home for it.’

‘Who?’

‘A young person who'll appreciate its value.’

‘But it’s not road worthy anymore.’

‘Well get Jack to pick it up, commission him to do whatever is necessary to bring it up to scratch, then transfer ownership to me before the bill is due. Then you’ll be free and clear, Annabella won't have to know you’ve been hanging on to it all this time, and I won’t tell anyone at the Park where you've been stashing it. Then I can go to work on the Trust.’

Cat gave me one of his old-time, subordinates, sideways glances; ‘How do you know all this? On second thoughts don’t bother. I’ve long ago accepted I must look like a bit of a duffer to the likes of you and Barmy. Besides, I can't think of a catch?’

‘That’s because there isn't one. There is one condition though, you stay off your device and let me break the bad news to the despicable soul who has been breaking the terms of their lease by sub-letting their car port to you.’

Then I wandered off towards the spa. Fiona was doing her rounds, seemingly interrogating the girl on the desk. ‘I say, has Mrs Armitage been across today?’

‘She’s practicing her putting Mr Arlington. Hole number two.’

‘Excellent.’ I strode forth to the second green.

I let her hole-out, then opened with; ‘All set to defend your title?’

‘You didn’t walk out all this way to talk sport.’ She replied, turning to face me.

‘Oh, I don’t know.’ Then, after a momentary pause; ‘Cat Mackintosh is a sentimental old fool.’ A micro-expression of fear showed across her face. Ada was a good ten years older than me, I must be careful how I trod.

‘Can’t say I know him well.’

‘I, on the other hand, have known him since youth. A little old white van may look inconspicuous in a crowd of vehicles, but with a car cover thrown over it, in the car port of someone known for being a non-driver these days...’

‘And I’m a sucker for a sob story, that your point?’

‘Damn it Ada, you were there observing when uncle and I rubber stamped the additional clauses to your leases regarding the stables and the walled garden.’

‘Are you here to destroy my happiness, or are you angling for a deal?’

‘Oh! I still owe you, just not as much as before. Come on, let me buy you a stiffener. After all, we need you on top form, someone is bound to be betting on you.’

‘You, are impeding my schedule. And you’re giving the game away having both of us parked side by side in the car park.’ So declared Charlie, as I was boosting Ada's self-esteem at the bar.

‘I shall be gone in a jiffy; I have no desire to hear your golfing woes. However, when I spoke to Cat earlier it occurred to me, that the next membership committee is coming up, and that you might be the better person to urge him to make Archie's application his top priority.’

‘That’s true. Okay, but be gone!’

I was as good as my word, avoiding the Park for the duration of other peoples ‘marvellous mania’. On the quiet I liaised with Jack regarding Cat, and with Bernard regarding Barmy. According to Charlie recent rainfall patterns had been good for the Park, upping the quality of the grass and making everyone feel their game must surely be improving! But for me, it was water off a duck’s back. It wasn’t until our dance night was underway that life got interesting again. Whilst others were tweeting about the dancefloor performances of minor celebs, I was struck by the appearance of the family Gruber out on mass. All four of them, plus a young lad they appeared to have in tow, were dressed in serious nineteen twenties raiment. Melisa in particular, now sported the bob of a flapper!

Then I was distracted by the band’s vocalist taking up the challenge of; ‘Dapper Dan was a very handy man on the train that ran through Dixie, made the beds and everything, all you had do was ring...’

‘Take me away from all this Tony.’ I felt Daphne take my arm. I led her first to the bar, then out to the pond in the moonlight. ‘I feel shell-shocked by the last few weeks.’

‘I can imagine.’

‘First Daddy gone, then... I suppose you’ve always known?’

‘Known what?’

‘What league Barmy’s family were in?’

‘Yes, which is why I was anxious to get your affairs managed by my people at the old bank, and get Mel trained up a bit for the future. She has enterprise that one.’

‘You can say that again. The day after we got probate it was her eighteenth birthday. At the next meeting with your Mr Merriweather, and the other one, Brinkley, she told them she’d take the entire amount in the form of a cheque. I half expected her to have left home the following morning.’

‘Blame me for that, via Charlie. That cheque is her introductory letter to the man known throughout the county as “the banker”. He’s the man I said good evening to a moment ago in the bar. Mel will be, the nearest thing we see, to an heiress! Talking of which, why are you all so, seriously dressed-up, I know it’s always a themed evening, but nonetheless.’

‘Melisa’s birthday treat.’

‘Ah! Now, talking of treats, you’ll be pleased to know that Mel will not suddenly be appearing one day with a classic sports car from Jack’s garage. Let’s just say I have my own birthday treat in mind for her.’

‘Oh no! What?’

‘Now don’t panic. I am in the process of facilitating the ultimate in inconspicuous motoring. Bye the way, who’s the young lad with your party this evening?’

‘Goes by the name of Timothy, a hanger-on of Melisa’s from the college.’

‘Really, is he her love interest?’

‘God knows! She calls him her spare man. He just started following her around apparently, she told him, she didn’t mind as long as he made himself useful. Wants to get into the horticultural college.’

‘Oh, well. He could be of use to all of us then.’

101: Pro-celebrity spa

‘A text from Mr Mackintosh, sir.’

‘And what does he want?’

‘We’re invited to take morning coffee, this morning, at our old apartment.’

‘Good lord.’

‘He says, he’s had another idea for an annual event.’

‘Well, the second annual Awayday was a roaring success, though I must admit I was sceptical at the time, a guided tour of the old convict colony on the Moor seemed an odd choice, until one realised that one total institution is much like another. The chaps can be awfully sentimental about the old school. So perhaps he deserves a hearing, reply that we’ll be happy to attend.’

‘Very good, sir.’

‘Marietta! Long time no see.’

‘How are you sir?’

‘Oh, mustn’t grumble, and your good self?’

‘Jim keeps me young.’

‘Really! Well, that’s good then.’

‘Isn’t it strange about Mr Brinkley?’

‘Well, he always seems a bit strange to me.’

‘I mean having to talk to him all that way away in Spain, and he’s forever emailing documents.’

‘Sign of the times I’m afraid. And Alistair, he’s behaving himself I trust?’

‘Oh yes. But between you and me, he doesn’t quite have your style.’

‘What ho, Charlie, Tony. Come along in.’

‘Morning Cat.’ I’d not been to the apartment in sometime, what was striking was how much of it still remained unchanged from the days of our occupancy. What we’d left behind was still there, and what we’d taken away seemed to have been replaced with remarkably similar items, apart from the cameras and the high tech of course.

Suddenly the door to the treatment room, formerly known as my spare bedroom, er no, I mean Cat’s spare bedroom, was flung open and out breezed the lady from number forty-two. ‘Good morning! Coffee everyone?’

‘Er, thank you.’ I responded.

‘Charlotte?’

‘Yes, please.’

‘Thank you, my darling! Isn’t she a wonder?’ Said Cat, as the swing door to the kitchen closed behind her.’

‘Yes. A woman who makes coffee. Truly a wonder.’

‘Tony! You’re just an old cynic. Isn’t he, Charlie?’

‘Indeed, sir.’

‘We’ve just been chatting with the Dragon Concierge, how are things going on that front?’

‘Oh, ask Annabella, she deals with all that side of things.’

‘Cat, why are we here?’

‘I had a notion. An annual knockout golf tournament.’

‘Ah! Correct me if I’m wrong, but such a proposal has been discussed on a number of previous occasions. As I remember, the general consensus has been that since it’s a small club where everyone plays everyone else several times a year, leading to everyone knowing where everyone else stands in the rankings, such a tournament is somewhat superfluous.’

‘Yes, but things have changed since the new improved spa.’

‘Really?’

‘There’s been an influx of new playing members.’

‘Mainly women.’ Added Charlie.

‘Go on.’

‘And somewhat fitter than your average male.’ She continued. ‘Even Ada Armitage is forever asking me to loosen her up so she can improve her swing.’

‘Good god!’

‘We want a genuinely open, mixed tournament.’ She asserted.

‘Have you told him yet?’ Cat said.

‘Told me what?’

‘Well, er, the thing is...’ She hesitated.

‘I’ll tell him! Charlie has been dragged, kicking and screaming, by popular acclaim, into becoming chairperson of the new Sports and Spa Committee.’

‘Excellent! So, what do you need me for?’

‘My idea, to help market the whole thing, is that part of the tournament should be pro-celebrity.’

‘But we don’t have any professionals and we certainly don’t have any celebrities, unless you count Buffy or Charlie here, neither of whom play!’

‘Yes, but Buffy has met everyone. And like many politicians he’s a bit star-struck. We were rather hoping you could see your way to persuading him to head up the organising sub-committee and thereby draw in celebs for the climax of the whole show.’

‘Sure, no problem.’

‘What, just like that, no quid pro quo?’ Charlie interceded again.

‘No. Except, perhaps the proceeds of such an event should go to our favourite charity. And, you must get Fiona working with Buffy, tv rights and all that kind of thing.’

Then the coffee arrived.

After twenty minutes or so of polite coffee conversation and having turned down the offer of a refill - I was after all under the beady eye of Sparkwell - I said; ‘Well, we mustn’t out stay our welcome...’

‘Alistair, darling, you must tell Anthony your news, you can’t let it slide any longer.’

There then occurred one of those emotional moments, where because the initiator adopts the stiff upper lip, you find yourself doing the same; ‘Bad news I’m afraid old man,’ he said, standing up and offering an out-stretched hand; ‘I fear I must resign, as your aide-de-camp.’

‘Oh no, surely not,’ I replied, getting to my feet and accepting his hand; ‘It’s been nigh on forty years, man and boy. What’s happened?’

‘My folks are no longer at the castle. Luckily, they’re together in a care home, but father they say, has only a matter of weeks.’

‘When you see your father next, please convey my thanks in whatever way you can, happy carefree days and all that.’

‘Of course, but you and Charlie must visit, there’ll be the investiture first, then the wedding.’

‘Investiture?’

‘Yes, one doesn’t automatically take on title, the monarch must grant it anew.’

‘Good lord.’

‘Technically, I think on father’s death, the castle reverts, so the ceremony is all about the throne of Scotland walking out of it, and me walking in! We’ll see to it that you both get invites.’

‘All in the heart of England!’

‘Absolutely. Well, we did rather take you over, alas our original ancestral land consists of half a glen, only ever seen by the most intrepid of Munro baggers, I’ve never even been there!’

‘What’s it called?’ Asked Charlie.

‘It’s only ever been known in Gaelic, no one can agree about it’s pronunciation, spelling or meaning, father still gets letters about it.’

‘He’ll be back, sooner than one might suppose.’ I said as we worked our way out of the building.

‘What makes you say that?’

‘Difficult to break the habits of a lifetime, besides the castle has been running itself for years as Cat’s folks have got older.’

‘What I don’t understand is why you accepted the job of getting Buffy onside without demanding your usual pound of flesh.’

‘Simple. It’s because it’s really no kind of job at all. I simply make one short call to Carrie and pass the task on, but take all the credit naturally.’

‘But why would Buffy accept, without you to twist his arm?’

‘Well, it will be coming from Carrie for a start, she I imagine will appeal to his vanity in the first instance, then point out he’ll be in everyone’s good books at the club, but most of all, he’s a politician, he loves to connect...’

By now we were approaching the car, Jim could be seen standing stock still and staring at it, seemingly lost in thought.

‘Oh, my god. That thousand-yard stare again.’ Said Charlie.

‘Jim! Standing in admiration I take it?’

‘It’s not the same one.’

‘No. We have two now, this is the latest edition, more or less.’

‘Four-wheel drive when required, sir?’

‘Yes, as a matter of fact I had my chauffeur here, practice a little discrete off-roading up on the Moor just the other day.’

‘Someone’s been moving the rocks, sir.’

‘I beg your pardon?’

‘In the garden, sir.’

‘Oh, I see. Any damage, soil collapsed onto the pavement, that sort of thing?’

‘No, but it looks different.’

‘I see, well if it’s all within the garden, then it’s for the residents to sort out, you can stand at ease.’

‘Thank you, sir.’

99: Recovery

It wasn’t until the first week of the new year that events seemed to slow down and I could get my breath back. I mused aloud in the media room; ‘Is it my destiny to spend my fifties as a kind of Mr Fix-it for the octogenarian population of the Bay area? To be an enforcer for old men in a hurry?’

‘No one is forcing you!’ Replied Charlie, from deep in the chaise longue, as well as The Beacon.

‘You know, when offering your private treatments, you might care to specialise in the relaxation of the older male.’

‘With the possible exception of Tuffy, the result with older men is rarely relaxation, more a rejuvenation and revitalisation!’ Then, in one flowing movement she was on her feet and leaning over my shoulder saying; ‘And you, are in no position to deny that.’

‘Oh, of course, undoubtedly.’

‘More to the point, regarding your dangerous old men, are we finally done with politics now?’

‘I certainly won’t go looking for it, but I can’t promise it won’t find us. Buffy seemed to be suggesting the other week that he could be useful to me. Which I doubt. And if he was hoping for a role in Trust related business, he can forget it. No, the only question mark, is the newly ennobled and promoted Frimley, who seems untainted by association with the aforementioned.’

‘What’s he calling himself?’

‘Lord Coates of Matchet.’

‘I didn’t know he came from across the border?’

‘Oh yes, he claims his family took refuge there, around the time of the Reformation.’

What I diplomatically failed to mention, was the conversation I’d had with Buffy immediately preceding the Christmas lunch. ‘I realise you are one of our most accomplished public speakers, your speech in the Commons on the passing of she, of blessed and glorious memory, was really quite moving...’

‘Thank you, Anthony.’

‘But there are mixed feelings about you around the club since the podcasts, and the Christmas lunch is regarded by members as, well, not at all a time for controversy, so, appropriate anecdotes only please.’

‘I’m not a fool Anthony, I’m always sensitive to my audience.’

‘Excellent, you were happy with the visuals I was able to offer the podcast I take it?’

‘Oh, indeed.’

‘I’ve decided how you can pay me back.’

‘Oh, really.’

‘I know I chided you about influence in government, but there is one area in which I’m lacking expertise and would appreciate being pointed in the right direction.’

‘Oh, yes.’

‘The Department of Transport, how it works.’

‘Road or rail?’

‘Well, that’s the thing. It’s more how they work together, when they cooperate. Under what circumstances are road makers prepared to give way to the priorities of rail?’

‘What an extraordinary question! I suppose it must happen on occasion. Still, I’m sure I could find you the right person to talk to.’

‘A while ago, when I was first trying to explain you to Charlie, I said you were the ultimate man who doesn’t know, but always knows a man who does.’

‘Well, thank you again.’

In the end the lunch went off without a hitch, more joyous than raucous, and of course we all got the chance to toast the King!

The Boxing Day book club met, though I didn’t attend. Charlie did the refreshments and reported that nothing untoward had occurred. Murchison had so far proved as mercurial regarding his past association with Captain Bob, as he was about everything else. But the garden looked good, though with the passage of time, inevitably, Charlie took on more of the legwork, or do I mean spadework?

The following week we had our first ‘all remote’ Trust meeting. Which again, was odd from the off! We were all in separate boxes, yet Charlie and I were sat side by side at the Villa, whilst Bernard and Brinkley must have been talking from separate rooms in their apartment on the Costa del What’s It! One of our Green experts, the professor of something or other, claimed to be talking from his Tuscan villa; the other from a hotel room in Bogota! Apart from the routine business, I gave everyone the official line, previously agreed with Bernard, on the fortuitous acquisition of the railway land. I also explained we might have a tenant for The Grange, and Charlie said how she might deal with any conflict of interest. At the end Lawrence announced he’d not be returning to the UK until spring, declaring he could work just as well from home! At which point the Chair brought proceedings to an end.

‘Is everything alright between Bernard and Brinkley?’ I asked Charlie once we were offline.

‘Sure, Lawrence just prefers being in Spain. It’s better for his condition.’

‘I beg your pardon!’

‘Brinkley has a condition.’

‘As in medical?’

‘Sure, didn’t you know? It’s caused by too much sitting, making standing painful unless you’re actually moving. Trouble is, the only relief is more sitting. He says he’s had it for decades. Have you never thought it odd that he’s always sitting unless he’s actually on his way somewhere else?’

‘Oh, right. Shame really, less opportunity for you to get pally with Larry...’ Ping! Another train of thought interrupted. ‘Ah! A text. From the Lady Vic; “Buy me a stiff drink, tonight seven pm, the club.” What on earth?’

‘Well, that makes sense.’

‘It does?’

‘I’ve been asked to maintain order in the Games Room tonight. Darts match.’

‘Oh, of course, Tuffy is on the Darts team.’

‘He’s quite good, seems able to relax, when he’s in the zone.’

‘Really. How fascinating.’

‘There you go, I ordered one in.’

‘Just what I need. I wish Tuffy was as attentive. It would be a start if he could remember what my usual is!’

‘And I take it this is all about...’

‘He, is bothered, perturbed, permanently distracted it would seem, by the fallout from Mary’s death.’

‘Have I made things worse?’

‘No. No. It’s just, he can’t get his head around the reality of his father not spending every last penny on his family.’

‘Ah, well I can give you a very clear and definitive answer to that one. It’s all very simple actually, you’ve met it countless times in your own life.’

‘Hit me with it then.’

‘Mr Tufnell senior, self-made man, doesn’t want any child of his to become one of the idle rich, believes they should make their own way in life. Me, son of one of his pals, is one of the idle rich. But my father and he were good enough pals, for the message to get through that the idle rich aren’t that idle - unless they want to see their wealth disappear within a generation or so. Father and mother die. And I was there, standing next to Tuffy when Mr Tufnell gave his encouragement, occasional pep talks and homilies. I got the message, Tuffy didn’t, he just picked up bad habits at school and university, whilst I was picking up cash on the side, before I left either of them! Tuffy’s father and mother did everything right, he’s no business feeling aggrieved. But once Tuffy picked up the message others thought him stupid, he somehow turned it into, the world owes me a living.’

‘I believe you.’

‘Same again?’

‘Please.’

‘And, no I don’t have a solution to the problem, other than you keeping doing what you’re already doing, making him feel useful.’

And then the Dart’s team started drifting in.

‘That was quick!’ I exclaimed.

‘Play suspended.’

‘The Ref called extended injury time,’ said another, ‘she’s helping Tuffy over to the spa as we speak.’

84: Swingin' royals at the jubilee dinner dance

‘How on earth do you imagine this is going to happen?’

‘It will happen because all those involved, will want it to happen.’

‘You can’t possibly know that!’ Asserted Charlie, as she guided us towards an unofficial lunchtime cafe conference with Archie Layton at his favourite coffee chain in our great cathedral city.

‘Buffy will relish an opportunity to hob-nob with the younger royals and hence will oil the wheels, your handler and the whole security crew will see it as an easy evening’s overtime, they’re already familiar with the set-up, so too the Chief Constable, a feather in her cap.’

Archie seemed to find the whole idea hilarious as I made my pitch. I ended with what I thought was the clincher; ‘So the date, will simply be whichever day the Palace has already pencilled-in for the Duke and Duchess to do the west country.’

Then the Banker put on his serious, ‘do something about your overdraft’, face. ‘There are a couple things you can’t be expected to know, Tony. One, although you’re right they’d have no problem with the knees-up, and I’ll be happy to put in a word, it’s just they’re also deeply serious people, they need good reasons to be there, worthy causes and all that.’

‘But they’ll have been doing that all day!’

‘You don’t quite get it, you need to have good, worthy reasons to justify their presence.’

‘Someone needs to cut the ribbon on the new spa facility, and someone needs to punch the first ticket on the minibus, part of our, don’t drink and drive campaign!’

‘Try harder. What issue have they made their own? Think, I mean, say having delivered your drunken revellers back to town, what do we notice when wandering the streets at night? Do we not have with us today, the leading light of the night shelter committee, the very same person with the inside track to our nation’s leading scandal sheet. After all, HRH learnt the art of the unofficial visit at his mother’s knee, did he not?’

‘Archie, it’s always an education talking to you, I think we could rise to the occasion don’t you Charlie?’

‘Sure, no worries.’ She said, looking positively thunderstruck.

‘The other thing Tony. The date, fixed in stone long ago, is in ten days time!’

‘Bloody hell!’ Said Charlie.

‘Should be a piece of cake for someone with Tony’s resources. I’ll speak to the Duchess tonight. No one but the principals in the know mind you, even on the night it must just be rumours of the PM bringing a guest of honour, okay? I’m afraid you’ll have to put-up with my presence, they’ll need a translator to explain what you lot are all about! Ha!’

In truth, I didn’t start feeling the nerves until we were getting dressed on the afternoon of the day itself, me in black tie and Charlotte in a, just covering the knee, dress magic-ked from her new wardrobe. ‘So, full dress rehearsal on the wooden floor of the treatment room then.’

I chose my recording of the Miller Band playing, In The Mood; ‘I don’t imagine they’ll play it, but it’s three false endings before...’

‘See? The full twirl and it doesn’t show my knickers!’

‘Good. The jitterbug was a good ten years away.’

Practice having restored my confidence; everything went like a dream. We put our trust in Archie and took our cues from him. Charlie ended-up leading the Duchess through the new spa. When she returned, she said; ‘We’re on, the whole works, and apparently the Duke has expressed a desire to actually drive the minibus into town!’

‘I’ll speak to the Chief Constable!’

When I did, she didn’t like it; ‘Does he know what he’s doing?’ She liked it even less when I explained that the man who had driven it all the way from Birmingham was sat at the bar at that very moment and could no doubt provide instruction.

‘Jack! He’s a crook!’

‘But he fills your officer’s tanks.’

‘You, I... Oh, very well. But you get him out of the bar, this has to be private.’

As soon as the royal couple took to the dance floor, mobile devices began to appear in earnest. ‘Someone is bound to leak it immediately.’ Said Charlie.

‘Yes, it may hit some media websites, but too late for the print editions. Only the Don is holding the front page and the whole point is to place a picture of them dancing next to one you take later at the shelter.’

‘This whole shebang should do your reputation no harm at all Anthony, must be costing you a fortune though.’

‘Well, call it an investment Prime Minister.’

‘All our futures rest on them, you know.’

‘So, one would imagine.’

‘Shame they’re so, well, liberal.’

‘They can afford to be.’

And a moment or two later, another voice from the past. ‘Well, congratulations Tony. I take my hat off, again. Must have taken a bit of organising, even for you. And the band! Gracious, they make the entire club look young!’ So spoke Daphne.

‘And the night is still young too.’

In the end the convoy that headed back to town and the waterfront, consisted of a patrol car in front, then the minibus with Charlie, the VIPs and various hangers-on, with me behind in the new car giving Jack a ride, and finally a police van behind us.

‘Our Chief Constable really should learn how to get more fun out of life.’ Said Jack.

‘It was shear vanity and self-interest that made her swallow her pride and rope you in.’

‘You know, if you really want the edge, you should ask your new friend Henry “never plead guilty” Walpole, about her.’

‘Really?’

‘Oh, yes. Walpole remembers cross-examining her over her notebook, at her first appearance down the Bailey when she was a young WPC with the Met.’

‘Good lord! It never ceases to amaze me how well connected you are.’

‘How’s your extra computer working?’

‘Let’s find out!’ I said, pressing a button on the dash.

‘Nothing’s happening.’

‘We still have to wait for her to pick up.’

After a second or two; ‘Is that singing?!’ Exclaimed Jack.

Then, after a further short pause, Charlie went to speaker; ‘We’re all goin’ on a summer holiday, No more workin’ for a week or two, Fun and laughter on a summer holiday...’

‘That’s a bit ancient, even for them, surely?’ Said Jack.

‘Didn’t his mother play tennis with Cliff, or am I thinking of someone else?’

Then, to cap it all we heard; ‘The young ones, Darling, we’re the young ones, And the young ones, Shouldn’t be afraid...’

We ended-up, in conversation over hot chocolate at the shelter’s canteen; ‘I’m afraid sir, your dancing has leaked.’ I turned my mobile screen towards the VIPs. There were groans of disappointment and disapproval. ‘However, Charlie here has the means for instant rebuttal, should you care to take the advantage.’

‘Explain, if you would Tony.’ Interceded Archie.

‘Here on Charlie’s work mobile is a nicer dancing picture, plus one taken a few minutes ago, but with the client’s backs to camera, now Don Wooley of The Beacon, club member, is one of Charlie’s biggest fans and I took the precaution of asking him to hold the front page of the print edition, he can guarantee both pics appear side by side. It’s a bit tight, but you’ve a good ten minutes to decide.’

‘He’s published your pictures before hasn’t he Charlotte?’ Said Archie.

‘Yes, pictures from the summit, and the Crimean gold of course, always good about attribution and fees, but you’d know that ma’am, with your family pictures.’

‘Yes, yes. What do you think darling?’ The Duke turned and looked at the last flunkey still on his feet. There was an almost imperceptible nod.

‘Today was the best day.’ Charlie said later. Then added; ‘That other media outlet, the one that leaked, they’re the Don’s principal rival. That’s the give away you know, too clever by half you, always pushing it, I suppose you even said to Cat, something slightly gaudy, slightly tasteless.’

‘Am I that transparent?’

‘Only after the event, not the least predictable. Thank goodness.’

69: Minor crimes and misdemeanours

‘Herr Gruber has arrived, sir.’

‘Okay. I’ll come down.’

‘I’m off to the shoppe, anything you require?’

‘Only a souvenir copy of The Beacon, Wooley’s capabilities with a smartphone camera are remarkable.’

‘The coffee is on.’

‘Excellent.’

The three of us sat, rather dumbfounded, around Charlie’s kitchen table. Before us was The Beacon’s front page. Under the banner headline, UP YOURS was an enlarged picture of Buffy, wearing his version of rugby kit, surrounded by his security detail. The Don had caught the PM with his tongue fully extended at the same time as his right arm was partially raised with the palm clenched and facing inward with just the middle digit straightened!

‘Is it true that palace flunkies lay out all the daily newspapers for Her Majesty in her private apartments?’ Asked Barmy.

‘Yes, wherever she happens to be.’

‘All the papers have it, Don must have sold it to everyone.’ Added Charlie.

‘Just as well she’s known for fixing her own, modest breakfast!’

‘Still, isn’t the whole point of the visit that the PM gets informal face time with the monarch?’ Barmy enquired further.

‘Indeed. Perhaps she’ll lecture him on inappropriate cultural appropriation. Anyway, since we are all sat here at this largish table, and between us can claim to represent the club dining committee, the finance and general purposes committee and the spa committee, I may as well show you the latest plans for the Park.’

I ran upstairs and returned with a cardboard tube. With an appropriate flourish, I laid before my companions an architect’s drawing. After we’d all reached for glasses and bowed our heads for a moment or two, Charlie said; ‘So it’s an extension out the back, with a patio, drinking fountain, then inside, aquatherapy where the garden currently starts.’

‘But all that necessitates a turnaround inside. New reception, more changing rooms. And we seal off access via the club, whilst opening up an entrance of it’s own onto the carpark. Your committee becomes the Sport and Spa committee. Those with just a golf membership, can get their own way in, but be processed via the spa.’

‘You think golfers are less clubbable, ya?’

‘And more prone to back injuries. Fact is the golf course; the spa and the conference facilities are growth areas. Whilst the club is in essence full, more members will just make it less amiable, we are already waiting for people to die off. Well, that’s the plan so far.’

‘So, how do we get the injured from the Games Room to the spa?’ Asked Charlie.

‘Good question.’ Added Barmy.

‘Just as easily, either taking the trolley out of the front or back door, level “disability” access either way.’

‘Oh right. Can I leave you to give our guest the tour, sir?’

‘Of course.’

‘I’m going to see what’s fresh to pick in the garden.’

Barmy, given the nature of his work, tends to take computer tech rather for granted. Once inside the Media Room, he seemed immediately preoccupied with the state of my library. ‘You have the breadth of learning, the historical reach, I admire that. But this arranging on a timeline, it makes for odd bedfellows I think, Dickens, Kipling and Conan Doyle amongst the European peasantry and the industrial magnets, fascinating. My mind is really too narrow for teaching you know, I reflect on that often, I make the students even worse.’

‘What, even fighter pilots?’

‘Sure, I seem to just take them even deeper into a world of minute calculations in featureless spaces. Your world is full of colour.’

‘That was Charlie’s first impression, the colour, even before she could tell one volume from another or realise there was a history of ideas. How’s Melisa?’

‘Interested, absorbed. It’s Daphne who you make think. I wouldn’t be surprised if it is the same trick with Charlie.’

‘Perhaps, that and providing a home for her to play in.’

‘Don’t ever let her grow-up will you.’

‘No, she tried that, didn’t suit.’

‘Yes, of course. I move on from the Navy soon, both the Brits and the Americans want me to write an assessment of the state of play with remote flying, also the alternatives, whether headsets might be the future, end of control panels and dashboards and all that.’

‘Dashboards make me think of cars, how long have us petrol heads got?’

‘A long time I would guess, two main things, a network of filling stations which are also garages where it is easy to leave one or two pumps; plus, what counts as a new car? Does an old one with almost all new parts count?’

Before Barmy left, I asked; ‘How far has Melisa actually got in her reading?’

‘She is currently immersed in the one about the two sisters, the wicked father and the deadly snake.’

‘The Speckled Band, how appropriate!’

A few days later, Charlie had me on my back in the treatment room; ‘I saw you were conspiring with the PM, again.’

‘Ah, that reminds me, given Rory will be hanging around the Park for the next few weeks…’

‘Yes.’

‘I need to approach him regarding a rather sensitive topic, you might tip me off, the next time you finish giving him a treatment.’

‘Oh, yes?’

‘You don’t wanna know.’

‘Very good, sir.’ And after a pause. ‘I know why you’re prepared to splash-out on the spa.’

‘Really?’

‘Archie told me about the offer, due to come before the main trustees.’

‘Ah.’

‘It’s a huge amount.’

‘Well, Thayer thinks it’s enough to scrap any idea of an auction with it’s inherent risks, and it comes from a group with a lot of experience in property management, who wouldn’t have a problem raising the cash.’

‘Will you all accept it?’

‘I would have thought it likely.’

‘Blimey!’

‘Well not so blimey, if you divide the price by the amount collected in rents from Melbury buildings every year, and then subtract the salaries of the dozen or so craftsmen we now have employed on restoration work across the county. Power comes with responsibilities, that’s the game we’re in now.’

‘And age makes one feel more responsible.’

‘Yes, I suppose so. But in some odd ways sometimes. Take our Doc, he’s starting to insist one turns-up on a regular basis for all sorts of testing, since I turned fifty. Seems, the medical profession is determined to make the older person into a hypochondriac. Health suddenly becomes all about who can live the longest, no matter how much medical tech you have to be strapped on to.’

‘But surely he’s pleased about your lifestyle improvements over the last couple of years?’

‘Oh, yes. But that just makes him ever keener, thinks he has a willing participant in their conspiracy. He won’t say, “carry-on, get even fitter on your own”, oh no, he’ll mention this or that pill to reduce even further any sign of aging. If they sold it as being about the quality of life, today, it wouldn’t be so bad, but they just can’t help banging-on about life expectancy.’

‘Perhaps he’s worried I’ll wear you out, bring on a sudden attack or seizure.’

‘Oh, well carry-on then, I couldn’t think of a better way to go.’

One day, soon after, Charlie jumped up from her desk exclaiming; ‘The police are here!’

‘Good lord.’

‘It’s the Chief Constable, she appears to be on her own.’

‘Blimey, as you might say.’

Charlie let her into the reception room. Then returned; ‘She wants to speak to us together.’

‘I see. What have you done?’

‘Me!’

Upon entering, I offered the esteemed officer a seat. ‘No thanks, I’m not stopping, I’m here against my better judgement as it is, but nonetheless, better this than a public ceremony with all the attendant free publicity. Here you are, one each.’

‘One what?’

‘Commendation certificates, for the return of the Crimean gold. Not my idea, and I’m supposed to say thanks from the First Lord of the Treasury. It was also suggested, that because of your ongoing cooperation coordinating the visits of said First Lord, that I should be the one to send in a recommendation for something for you both in the next honours list, not sure I can bring myself to do that.’

‘Well, you don’t want to be stuck in this neck of the woods all your career...’

Don’t, don’t even think of going there. Good day to you both.’

60: Charlie, diplomat

At what point it dawned on individual conference participants that there would be no grand dining, and that like Victorian children they would have to make do with high tea every evening, was difficult to tell. Indeed, should they require anything approaching a supper, this would need to be negotiated in advance with Charlie, the food itself having to be set aside from tea, and stored in the small fridge behind the bar. However, at tea on the second day, in what appeared a coordinated manoeuvre, both Germany and the US stepped down from the table, and took their full plates to sit, fireside.

‘How are you finding the English at home, Mr President?’

‘I’m Irish myself.’

I immediately told Barmy to listen-up, there being such an easy play at this point, one that could kill such potential cosiness at a stroke, Buffy was bound to use it.

‘In Germany we do not have this obsession with family history.’

‘Of course.’

‘There is only one small class of people who do, families whose ancestors were involved in unification in the nineteenth century or pioneers in industrial development.’

‘Don’t tell me, they just happened to be related to all the aristocratic princelings or whatever.’

‘Precisely so.’

I managed to get a split screen for Barmy, Charlie piling crumpets onto a large plate, whilst Buffy stood by, anxiously thrusting and parrying at an imaginary foe with the toasting fork. Charlie then followed Buffy, back into the combat zone.

Squatting between them, focusing on the fire, Buffy opening with; ‘The Irish have always, until recently, had the advantage over us when it comes to genealogy, impeccable hard-copy records, a mass of leather-bound indexes, they’ll even give you the port of exit. There’s not a street in England that doesn’t have personal connections to the whole of the island of Ireland, and Scotland and Wales, even those now filled with recent migrants from the Commonwealth. I understand some family history buffs are already on your case Mr President, they can place your lot in Sussex for generations. And there’s not a village in Ireland without some English blood. I don’t know if either of you have had one of those genetic tests for ancestry? The more reputable firms give their answers as ninety-four per cent or whatever, British stroke Irish, not because they can’t tell, but because there is no difference. Break it all down further, one day they’ll just say Atlantic fringe, not Celtic fringe, all the way from the Baltic to the Pyrenees. Everyone else is just northern European, even St. Patrick himself, made his way up the east coast of England in the footsteps of others, before Scotland, before Ireland, before spreading the good word to the western half of England.’

By now, the whole room appeared to have fallen silent.

‘We are Ireland’s largest trading partner, and most of the rest comes through English ports, en-route. What with Brexit and the pandemic, they’ll come a time when Ireland can’t afford its dues to the EU, you may well chuck them out, if you’re still around. We’ve never left Ireland, we never shall. We’ve just had the one hundredth anniversary of the borderless border with the six counties, next year sees the anniversary of the creation of the Irish Free State. Dublin, once known as the first city of the empire, will get whatever it needs. Everyone is looking forward to the publication of the digitised nineteen twenty-one census later this year, comparable with the existing nineteen eleven. That’s going to put to bed the missing pieces of the Great War, the flu pandemic, oh, and the Irish Risings too. Now if all that doesn’t terrify you, it should, unless you feel you have the stomach for the fight. Crumpets anyone? I believe it’s Irish butter today, Sparkwell?’

‘Yes, fully-salted, Prime Minister.’

After a long pause, the US President broke the silence; ‘You’re fast Buffy, I’ll give you that, not as slick as “flash Dave”, but maybe that’s just as well.’

Later, once Charlie had prepared the Games Room, Buffy gathered them all in the hallway. ‘You’d better give us all a briefing Sparkwell - she often serves as referee on these occasions, plus offering physio to the injured, naturally.’

‘Very good, sir. No alcohol and no betting permitted. Participants may only leave the room between completed games. Four games are available, firstly the Pool Table, no explanation required, secondly Darts, fear not, the automatic scorer will register any dart that stays on the board, set to 501. VR, the permitted zone is clearly taped on the floor, headsets currently allow duelling with sabres or single-shot pistols, the flight simulator, currently offers Spitfire Mark II or Messerschmitt 109, daylight runway, nearest thing to east coast England as we could make it. Referee’s decision is final. Good luck everyone.’

South Korea, narrowly beat Japan to the flight simulator. Turning on his heals Japan immediately made a grab for one of the headsets and promptly challenged the rest of the world to a duel with swords, Australia was the first to step forward. The US suggested to Canada they should partner for Pool, France and Italy reluctantly joined them. Meanwhile Buffy, began practicing throwing darts, before offering to teach the remainders.

‘Always aim for the treble twenty, no matter what the outcome, eventually it’ll come down to singles to finish, by which time you won’t care and magically hit what you need...’ It never ceased to amaze me how even the most politically experienced seemed to find it impossible to see beyond the smokescreen of blather and tomfoolery. He doesn’t care what you think, he’s been saying “fuck you” to you all for so long, yet still your own vanity, stops you seeing the absence of it in him. It’s the outcome that counts. And it’s no good catching him out on some technicality, he’ll take the punishment, then come back smiling. They don’t even notice his biggest tell, the glint in the eye, just as he’s about to begin the next whopper. Inside he’s laughing at you, at the prospect of getting away with something, anything!

When I came back from my reverie, Charlie and Germany could be seen standing beside the now vacant flight simulator; ‘But this machine, I see it is German made. How did it get here?’

‘I know no details madam, legend has it that it was a university-built prototype that never got adopted.’

‘I have seen such things before, made to be portable, for training amateurs who want to fly their own planes. Is it difficult to learn?’

‘It is intended to train those with no experience, only you will know how well or badly you are doing.’

‘Very well.’ And with that she climbed into the cockpit.

In time the game playing slowed, the politicians turned to spectating and talking about games. Soon everyone was watching the flight simulator, the only game left in progress. Germany was of course wearing headphones and clearly into the game - leaning left and right, forwards and backwards - but somewhat out of sync with the roll of the machine itself. Now as the rest of the room became quieter, her own commentary to herself became ever more audible. Her audience began to smile and exchange glances.

I noticed Barmy’s jaw had visibly dropped; ‘What’s she saying?’

‘I’d rather not say. You know how at school, teachers called rude words, Anglo-Saxon, and talked about English having Germanic roots...’

‘Oh, lord! Do you think anyone in the room understands?’

‘I doubt it. Anyway, she seems to have moved on from fighting the English, to having a go at the Slavs...’

We were interrupted by the sound of a loud crack and thud as the hydraulics suddenly collapsed and the pod came to rest at an odd angle.

Charlie rushed forward; ‘Buffy!’

‘How bad Charlie?’

‘Fetch the trolley, this one requires a spa treatment.’

As people gathered around the stricken Chancellor, Charlie stepped back from the crowd, and a moment later, images started downloading.

59: Sparkwell and the politicians

Early on arrivals day, Barmy and I worked on some ‘rules of engagement’ for the Summit. Keeping half an eye on the network news on one part of our screens, we came to an informal understanding. We’d both save to external drives only what we put-up on the shared part of our screens, two copies of the same stuff. It was to be private, only viewed in the presence of family and friends, no online sharing. There would be a cooling off period of two weeks, of locking the external drives away, even if others requested a viewing.

‘This is like group work at school.’

‘Oh, I do hope so.’ I replied.

‘What can you offer me?’

‘Three possibilities, outside chance of four.’

‘Don’t be such a tease, I’ve already said you’ll get aerial photography all today until sundown.’

‘Right, well as you’ve probably worked out for yourself, the conference area cameras are state of the art but they will likely be the most boring; officials at desks, drafting communiques. The cameras in the Games Room are quite good for sound and vision, they move but are controlled from the Park’s security desk. Buffy wants the leaders alone in the lounge, bar and dining area as much as possible, but those cameras are static, not high quality and the sound is a bit pathetic according to Charlie.’

‘How does she know?’

‘Ah, well, yes. After the amateur revenge porn incident, she applied a little pressure on the perpetrator, fixed it so he could keep his job provided he acquiesced to any small favours she might ask. Anyway, a year or so ago when Daphne and I were having one of our lunches she took it upon herself to watch us on camera.’

‘You know, always the student one day displaces the tutor.’

‘It will come to us all no doubt.’

‘And the fourth possibility?’

‘If Charlie gets the chance to take any still images, or video come to that, on her work mobile which has automatic back-up to here. I may share I may not, Buffy may want some of it leaked to The Beacon, but Wooley will have to pay, one way or another.’

The arrivals provided some good dramatic introductory material for any future private show, politicians emerging from various forms of air transport looking somewhat lost and bemused. The first developing situation to truly draw us in was the moment Uncle appeared to depart from the script of the meet and greet. This opening encounter unfolded in the form of a proper high tea, taken sitting-up in the dining area. The esteemed relative appeared to be drawing his speech to a close when he paused for a second or two. Experience told me something would happen; ‘Listen-up Barmy!’

‘I really cannot let this occasion pass, without passing comment, on just how privileged you are going to be over the next few days, you are being served by no less a personage than Charlotte Sparkwell here. I could say that she has agree to demean herself by waiting on you all, but that, as you will discover, would be patronising to her, in the extreme; she is, as you will discover a force to be reckoned with, and as the partner of my nephew, the co-owner alongside myself of this palatial pile - you should close your ears to this Prime Minster, perhaps now is the moment to do the sausages, you seem to have got the fire well away. Now where was I? Oh yes, my nephew was at school with your official host, so you can be sure he has briefed Sparkwell in any salient facts, she is also a fully paid-up member of the club which normally rents this space, indeed one notable, female club wit, refers to her as the Valette, a not altogether inaccurate description. Anyway, enough said. I close, by simply saying, good luck to you all.’

There was a moment of silence as Uncle sat down, then enthusiastic applause from Japan, South Korea and Australia. The others remained stony-faced, except Canada and France who looked positively terrified.

‘Oh, good lord, well that’s my briefing to Charlie out the window, anything could happen now!’

‘I think she is blushing, ya?’

‘She won’t like it if she becomes the centre of attention.’

The next incident of note occurred soon after breakfast the following day, India was leaning back on the fireguard, warming himself. Germany had already grabbed the most comfortable of the fireside seats. ‘Excuse me Prime Minister, it might be safer if you stood forward a little, our Prime Minister appears to have been a bit too enthusiastic, throwing so many logs on the fire, it may take off at any moment.’

‘Yes, eh, thank you Sparkwell. Now what’s the expression, “bull in a china shop” I think.’

‘Very apt, sir.’

‘You know I still have to deal with some older civil servants who modelled themselves on the British, one or two even had an English education.’

Then Germany joined in; ‘I was always told the English upper classes have excellent table manners, seeing Trumpton consuming his breakfast has disabused me of that!’

‘The Prime Minster is not upper-class, madam. He received his education entirely through scholarships.’

‘I see. I could not help but notice Sparkwell, but you are much better dressed than our host.’

‘My employer is most generous, and provides a clothing allowance.’

‘So, what is your usual job?’

‘I’m employed by the Trust which is part owner of the house and parkland.’

‘But I thought that was your husband, the Earl’s nephew?’

‘Almost indistinguishable madam. Legally, to avoid a conflict of interest, I’m accountable to the Trustees, although if the work is charitable, I am one of the Trustees.’

‘Ah, yes, British business law, we are familiar, not like on the continent.’ So mused India.

‘Yes, but what do you actually do?’ Insisted Germany.

‘I think the answer, as you rightly observed Chancellor, is in her clothing. When his lordship referred to her as a Valette, he meant a female valet, manservant.’

‘In point of fact madam, we are not married, indeed only a few months ago I was forced to seriously considering alternative employment. Arrrrh...’

‘What on earth’s the matter child?’

‘A screeching noise in my ear, I do apologise madam.’

‘You’re wearing an earpiece?’

‘For my music, madam, when I’m behind the bar with nothing to do.’

At which point Buffy came into view, and a second or so later the fire suddenly took off. ‘Ah, always Buffy “five seconds to midnight” Trumpton - as we say in Germany!’

‘Nice to warm the cockles, bit chilly still this morning.’

‘It’s the only source of heating in the damn building Trumpton.’ Asserted Germany.

‘So much like summer in the mountains, and no end of what you insist on calling rhododendrons.’ India appeared to have started enjoying himself.

‘There’s been a leak Charlie, I’m sorry, mark my words, I’ll have words.’ Buffy appeared to hand her a copy of The Beacon. I pulled up the website; Buffy Protection Officer’s Sextape Agony PAGE THREE EXCLUSIVE.

The article about Charlotte was illustrated with an alluring picture of her in full yoga kit. The words could have been written by Wooley at any time in the last eighteen months, with the addition of ‘Buffy’s personal protection officer’ and ‘Navy pin-up’. The words ‘massage’ and ‘yoga’ were liberally sprinkled throughout. The by-line, Stella January, and the expression, ‘super-fit, with a hint of mucky’ were something of a giveaway however. But it all helped to provide a fun tribute, totally void of salient or intrusive details; the Don had clearly got to know his subject well and valued his continuing membership of the club.

During the morning coffee break, Germany sort to strike up a conversation again. ‘Sparkwell, it said in that despicable article Trumpton insisted on showing us, that you are qualified in massage as well as yoga and sports physiotherapy.’

‘Yes, madam.’

‘And you are involved with the spa here?’

‘Only informally, madam, as a member of the club, I try to see that standards are maintained, it’s a newish venture, quite modest in its way.’

‘But the whole place is called a spa?’

‘Yes madam, but the spring itself is small, the whole of the estate is high in the valley, close to the source of the river, so there is a limited water supply anyway. We take nothing from the public supply.’

‘I was disappointed the facility would not be open to us, I am use to regular weekly treatments. I was wondering if you could possibly make yourself available one evening?’

‘Alas madam, I’m under contract to the Prime Minister twenty-four seven, throughout the conference.’

‘Quite right to.’ So said Buffy, walking into shot once more. ‘Besides Charlie here has been delegated to supervise the evening entertainments!’