85: Picture perfect

‘Why am I doing this?’ Charlie complained as we sat at our side-by-side desks in the media room.

‘Because Julia asked you to.’

‘But I’m not a journalist, not even a photographer, just the trigger man for whatever you set up.’

‘It’s a picture feature Charlie, really only extended captions. The Countrywoman magazine’s first ever opportunity to upstage Hello!’

‘Then why aren’t you doing it, at least you understand what’s required?’

‘It has to be your voice, the one the readers are familiar with, I can polish it later.’

‘You know my voice, why not the other way around?’

‘Well, sometimes I’m not sure I do, I mean, a lot of the time you’re reacting to me, throwing back my expressions and attitudes, the uppity servant as you’ve expressed it in the past... I know! You said it was the best day, well what we need is your emotional response to the unfolding events. They’re your photos, what did you feel, in the decisive moment?’

Five minutes later. ‘Don’t we have somewhere we ought to be?’

‘Only when you’ve finished. We’ll drop by the gallery and buy Tuffy out, of his stock of cheapo picture frames.’

‘Why?’

‘Well, we have a goodly collection of souvenir editions of The Beacon now, I think we should display them, show off your accomplishments.’

‘You really do take after your Aunt Elisabeth, only whilst she was showing off the rest of her family and hiding your notoriety, you want the whole world to know!’

‘Actually, they’ll have to be somewhere fairly discrete otherwise the newsprint will fade.’

‘How about the loo?’

‘Too damp.’

‘We could display nice prints of the pictures that have found their way into The Beacon. There, done! On your screen any second.’

‘Okay, I see it, I’ll save it for later, lets get some fresh, sea air.’

‘I’ve never been so embarrassed in all my life; told I was letting the side down. They even had the gall to question my patriotism. They said now was not the time to criticise Buffy on account of him spearheading the international response to the threat to freedom in eastern Europe. Mackintosh was no help, said most of my evidence was inadmissible since the premises were hired out to others at the time.’

‘How’s your mother?’

‘Alright, I suppose. She’s got me going through father’s things with a fine toothcomb, as it happens.’

‘I always admired her sense of humour.’

‘Mother? What can you mean?’

‘Understated.’

‘Anyway, all his diaries seem to be written in some kind of code! Can’t make head nor tail of them.’ Then, looking at what we were holding; ‘You really could do better with frames you know.’

‘Oh, they’re just for newspaper cuttings, Charlie’s growing fame and fortune, don’t you know.’

‘Tony! How are you?’ Said the Lady Vic, rising from her subterranean office and billowing forth. ‘There’s something I want to show you next door, you’ll keep Charlotte company won’t you darling?’

‘Of course.’

‘Actually, I don’t have anything to show you.’ She said when we were alone. ‘I just wanted a word in confidence.’

‘Carry-on.’

‘This business about mother-in-law’s goods and chattels, what’s that all about? Has the potential to put old friends at loggerheads seems to me.’

‘Well, I’ve not actually spoken to her on the subject. But she has confessed in the past to not really understanding her late husband’s business affairs. She knows Tuffy never took an interest, but I did of course. He was, in the absence of my father, a bit of a role model, a mentor if you will.’

‘So, I understand.’

‘He did rather well in his time. She wants to do right by him, needs someone she knows who cares, to go through everything and make sure nothing useful or valuable is well, lost. It’s not that Tuffy doesn’t care, just that he can be a bit careless, at times.’

‘You really don’t need to be so diplomatic with me, darling. We do go back a long way. For example, Tuffy really doesn’t need to be so coy about his affection for Charlotte, anyone who can calm him down gets my vote.’

‘Quite, well it may be that at the end of the day I just come away with half a dozen of his father’s first editions, but it would be tragic if we all missed out on assets hidden away amongst his papers.’

‘Thank you. I’m sure we can keep him straight. Let’s go back.’ When we re-emerged, Tuffy could be seen helping Charlie carry the frames to the car. ‘He’s genuinely happy you know, being my general factotum.’

‘I believe it, he knows he’s useful. A rare thing in his life.’

‘Well, if you’re having The Beacon on display, I insist on having copies of my Countrywoman articles, they have nice illustrations as well as the woodcut of my masthead.’

‘Done. And location?’

‘Put them, in date order, starting on the far side of the hall, then they can creep up the stairs.’

‘Okay.’ Then the doorbell rang, it happened I was closest for once.

It was Melisa; ‘Can we talk?’

‘Of course, come on through.’

‘Mummy is being a pain, again. She wants me to stay at school and go into their sixth form. I was thinking of the college. You’re the only one who can bring her to heal. Congratulations by the way Charlotte, the whole town is talking about your coup with the royals. Mummy says the council are hopping mad, might bring them to their senses.’

‘Take a seat, let me ruminate a moment.’

‘Tea on the patio? Ten minutes?’ Suggested Charlie.

‘Excellent. Now then. Ah, I’ve got it. By the way, you should be looking towards your father when it comes to such matters, he understands the academic better.’

‘Daddy is in Boston, presenting his final report to his American controllers.’

‘Really! Now then, the key point is that the only really legitimate excuse for favouring the college at the end of the day is it’s size, it must be the one place offering the subjects, you need. Perhaps even the subjects insisted upon by your chosen universities - whether you end up going is another matter entirely of course. See what I’m saying?’

‘God! That’ll mean working through the whole damn prospectus and cross referencing to who knows what.’

‘It’s two years of your life! And if you can possibly bear it, it’s the subject you really want to do, plus English and Maths ‘A’ level.’

‘Boring.’

‘You’ll get the benefit. It’s more than likely that by the time you reach the age of forty, your life will be dominated by running the Gruber Foundation, or whatever your father decides to turn himself into in his declining years.’

‘God, don’t you just hate it when Tony is right all the time, Charlotte?’ Said Melisa.

‘Don’t answer that, Charlie.’ Interceded Kenneth as we were all enjoying tea, el fresco. ‘Tony’s aunt, my dear friend, who used to own this place, allowed herself to get far too worked-up about him.’

‘One extra thing to remember Mel, the real deadline is not until the end of the summer, the first week of term in fact. You don’t actually need to have your preferred solution in place until then. You did say Boston? Not Washington and the Pentagon?’

‘Yes. Home next week.’

‘Tony and Melisa’s father are old rivals, Ken.’ Said Charlie.

‘But friendly, always on the same side at the end of the day.’

‘My other pain is this compulsory week-long end of term, work experience, mentoring nonsense. If I don’t come up with something, the school will dump me somewhere ghastly.’

‘Do I take it from your comments earlier, that you approve of the night shelter?’

‘My god! Tony, that’s brilliant! You couldn’t fix it for me, could you Charlotte?’

61: Gardening leave

When it was all over, the Press were clearly divided along political lines. Some asserted the conference was a great embarrassment to all right-thinking internationalists and a personal humiliation for the Prime Minster; others declared Britain was back, taking up its historic role as a leader on the global stage. Charlie was now so trusting of her fellow club members; she didn’t bat an eyelid at The Beacon’s treatment of her photos from the shenanigans in the Games Room.

One of the advantages of our side-by-side desks in the Media Room, was the uninterrupted view they afforded of the entrance to the avenue, the spot favoured by our Postie for leaving the van. Early one morning in late June, Charlie suddenly jumped up; ‘There’s at least a couple of letters, I hope there’s nothing distracting, I promised to get Kenneth’s gardening supplies this morning.’

Upon her return she thrust an invoice, come receipt, come cheque, into my hand. ‘What’s all this about?’ She enquired.

‘It’s a cheque from The Beacon, for services rendered. Not a bad little earner.’

‘I didn’t know photos were worth so much, I’ll pay it into the bank.’

‘Er, I’d hold fast on that one, for a week or so, if I were you.’

‘Why?’

‘Well, the short answer is your tax status just changed, the longer answer is you may just have taken a jump in your social status and career prospects.’

‘What?’

‘You, are in need of the best financial advice, and I don’t mean Brinkley!’

‘Go on.’

‘The date on this advice. That, if I’m not mistaken, is when you first had a proper sit-down chat with Wooley at the club, ages ago, and he took that snap of you in your fitness kit. This is him, or perhaps his proprietor, paying you for what eventually became the Page Three story. There may be a second cheque, perhaps twice the size, for the Games Room photos. They’ve bounced you, with a paper trail, into the official economy. How much have your tips come to in the last year?’

‘I don’t know. Maybe five grand.’

‘You need to start keeping a cash book, and start paying it all into a bank, start using card payments whenever possible.’

‘But I’m not going to be liable for much more tax, am I?’

‘Who knows, you may slip into a new code or category! Brinkley can do your books, but all this needs to be done, and seen to be done, properly. We need to end your employee status and make you self-employed. It’s time for you to meet the Banker, and this cheque is going to be your letter of introduction.’

‘Oh yes, and who might that be?’

‘Archie Layton, not sure of his job title this week, but he is number two at the National Bank in our great cathedral city, in other words, the new bank, three doors down from the old bank, he handles all business emanating from the latter.’

‘You want me to change banks?’

‘No, Archie will have you, wanting to change banks! He’s about your age. He thinks what the Trust does is just, oh so quaint and terribly amusing, he’ll have you with a portable chip and pin machine in your bag before you can say, “Step this way, sir”.’

In the days that followed, it became my habit, after spending an hour or so on father’s papers, to wander through to the bedroom window and stare down into the garden. One day I found myself squatting - it wasn’t the precise view, but close. The colour, the layout, and with the window slightly ajar, the smell, the distant sound of voices. I decided I’d better go and find myself some human interaction. Coming out of the pantry door, I walked in on the conversation.

‘We have a duty to our ladies and gentlemen Sparkwell... Good afternoon, sir.’

‘Oh, blimey! Not you as well Kenneth? I don’t think I could cope with being dragged down another rabbit hole. Cease and desist. Now, you two, bring me up to speed with the garden. I promised you both there would be action on renovating the shed and the possibility of a couple of cold frames. Where would they go in relation to your revived composing?’

I was given another tour. ‘Have you found the right kind of carpenter then?’ Asked Charlie.

‘Not exactly, I’m thinking of the guy, and his mate, who came to the rescue of the walled garden at Checkley Manor about ten years ago, if they’re still around. I shall have words with Gregson.’

‘Rather you than me, he sees you as the heir apparent, I’m just the hired hand.’

‘Well, you can’t have it both ways at the same time, you can switch roles back and forth with me but it doesn’t work with others unless you, can make them play along. And as I say, I can only take so much of it anyway.’

‘I’ll make the tea.’

‘You’ve upset her now.’

‘Good lord, have I?’

‘You’ve just told her she can’t have it all! She may be all for living in the moment, but she has a romantic view of the future. She’s had it tough in the past, so much so obvious, but you’ve made her feel deserving of it all. She needs to add the art of being the game and gallant loser to her repertoire. They don’t get that, those reformers at Beaconsfield.’

‘I’ll remember that.’

‘She doesn’t play sport; she rescues the injured. And does she know that you are content to be a big fish in small pool?’

‘I know you’d never have got away with this kind of park bench philosophy with my aunt, she’d have shut you down within half a sentence.’

‘Indeed, she was a master at evading the issue, or perhaps just asserting her own priorities. Don’t get me wrong, I’m having more fun than I’ve had in a long time.’

‘We’d better set up the table and chairs.’

‘We can probably leave them out now, I’m told we’re in for a long and glorious summer.’

‘Now whose being romantic about the future!’

When Charlie returned from her first encounter with the Banker, I was anxious to know how it went; ‘Well?’

‘He’s back-dated me to the beginning of the financial year, apparently I’ve so far done freelance work for The Beacon, twice, had a short-term contract with the government, will collect expenses as a Trustee, been continuing with a now ‘annually negotiated’ contract as a consulting Carer for the charitable arm of the Trust, collected fees from clients as a physical therapist - and he wonders, why the club don’t keep me on a retainer for being their chief trouble-shooter!’

‘And you signed-up for whatever accounts best facilitate such activities?’

‘Archie said never use a bank teller again, always see him when paying in, so I get a free update on what’s happening, whilst he can demonstrate to the bank it’s him who’s bringing the business in. That way, he gets to judge if charges are ever appropriate.’

‘Excellent.’

‘Nice to be treated like, somebody.’

‘Quite right.’

‘He gave me a bit of inside gossip too.’

‘Oh yes.’

‘You are aware I take it, sir, of the ongoing saga of posh London estate agents, County Estates.’

‘Well, yes, one of the long-time Brinkley, Bernard conspiracies.’

‘Well, it’s happened, the money has anyway, the old bank will shortly have estate agents on the ground floor, accountants on the first and solicitors on the second. What happens in the attic?’

‘Just a couple of storage rooms. The next time you push a wad of folding money across Archie’s desk you might say, Tony sends his regards and does anyone know what is in the old bank’s safe in the basement? It’s one of the great mysteries, one that alluded father too, apparently.’

53: Sparkwell's return

‘Where the hell are you?’ Said Charlie, down the line.

‘At the Villa.’

‘You’ve moved us!’

‘Only me and my stuff, take a look around, you’ll find you’re still fully intact. What’s that crash?’

‘I just dropped my fishing tackle. Oh, now I see, I think? The camera has gone from the treatment room I notice.’

‘Yes. I’m speaking to you from the Media Room, first-floor front. But anyway, I couldn’t move you without your consent, but then I couldn’t show you what you might wish to move to; without moving myself - if you see what I mean?’

‘That might be logical in your world but I’m not sure... I’ve only been gone a week; you must have been scheming this for ages.’

‘Well not really. The builders finished here the day after you left. You commandeered the car so I had to leg it to Jack’s for a courtesy vehicle and he was moaning about how much his lads were underemployed and suddenly I had a brainwave...’

‘Don’t bother.’

‘All done for free, payback for our road trip. Anyway, get yourself over here. It would appear I’ve got some even bigger news you may have reservations about.’

‘Oh my god, what?’

‘Have you been living in total isolation?’

‘Of course.’

‘Not listened to the news?’

‘Why would I?’

Charlie arrived rather recklessly. I’m sure some curtains must have twitched in the avenue. She practically ran up the path, clearly, she must have put the radio on. ‘Don’t you ever do that to me again. I almost crashed. Are you out of your mind? Talk about getting above yourself, and just what role in the proceedings had you got in mind for me?’

‘Firstly, the idea came from the top; secondly, they’ve asked for you, more or less full-time until the summer.’

‘But, but... You’ve only got six of the bedrooms in commission!’

‘Correction, we’ve got state rooms as grand as anything they’ll have ever known, they just need the dust blowing off.’

‘What!’

‘And if they’re not satisfied, they can make do with the servant’s quarters above.’

‘Seriously, Tony. What’s this all about?’

‘Buffy’s revenge, I think. His chance to stick it to the rest of the world.’

‘How?’

‘He wants us, as we are. The club. Right down to the regular menu.’

‘Well let’s pray they’re not here on a Thursday.’

‘Why?’

‘Well! I’m pleased you’ve forgotten, as chair of the Dining Committee you must have approved it once upon a time - Spotted Dick with lumpy custard.’

‘Oh yes. Happy days.’

‘So, you promised Prudence foreign statesmen, are you going to deliver an HRH too?’

‘Well, unknown as yet. But we do have a banqueting room familiar to their ancestors.’

‘Well, you’ve changed this room.’

‘Yes, back to what it must once have been. Ground floor front, therefore a literal reception room, somewhere to meet visitors and decide whether they should be allowed any further on to the premises.’

‘Do take a seat madam, I’ll see if the young master is at home.’

‘Or, do take a seat, whilst I prepare the treatment room, there’s mineral water on the sideboard.’

‘What?’

‘Step this way.’

‘How come it’s so light? And where’s the dining table, you said it was a genuine heirloom.’

‘The table is in three bits in one of the top floor bedrooms, only took the lads five minutes, it was designed to be taken apart. The ceiling and walls above the picture rail have new white paint and LED ceiling lights, see? And, this back wall is now white, whilst the remaining posh wallpaper has had some sort of damp spongy treatment, that brings back the original slightly reflective effect.’

‘The floor?’

‘That I admit is a bit of an indulgence, has to be sealed again apparently, when the wood has dried out a bit more. Oh, and the patio doors have been rehung and tinkered with, easy to leave ajar now, for fresh air and birdsong on spring mornings. So, moving on, only minor changes to the kitchen and pantry.’

‘Fresh paint and?’

‘Just a thorough clean-up really, food was quite a priority with the Aunt.’

‘What’s happened to the backdoor?’

‘Oh yes, I almost forgot, it has in fact been replaced. So, no more bolts but a dead lock as well as a sprung lock - now an alternative way to ingress and egress the property.’

‘Honestly this isn’t fair, you’ve been doing this to make me want to be here, rather than creating your own space. Now, it’s like I owe you!’

‘You haven’t seen upstairs yet.’

‘Oh cripes.’

‘So, master bedroom one, street facing, becomes proper family withdrawing room come library - henceforth to be known as the Media Room.’

‘Now that is cool.’

‘Well yes, and apart from Barmy’s garden shed I can’t think of one to beat it. Indeed, my wraparound screen is bigger that his.’

‘Looks like you’re still at the same place with your father’s documents as you were when they were downstairs?’

‘Yes, and likely to stay that way if I have to be hands-on with the Summit. Anyway, moving along, real master bedroom, garden facing with new improved bath and shower arrangements.’

I left a long pause, until she broke the silence; ‘All plumbed in, but no tiles yet.’

‘Correct.’

‘Well, I’m not signing-up for cleaning. Either you do it yourself or get someone in. And the car?’

‘Bernard is in negotiation to get Uncle Thomas’s mews garage back.’

‘Mews?’

‘At the confluence of the two back lanes that serve the avenue.’

‘Now you’ve lost me.’

‘An ancient, pre-historic version of a residents association, formed out of the freeholders, to look after the mews, the back lanes, the avenue, and the common lawn behind the trees.’

‘It’s all private? You wouldn’t know it.’

‘Long may it stay that way.’

‘You said you would be using last week to settle the reconstituting of the Trust!’

‘Well, that’s slightly delayed on account of it can only happen once Bernard and Brinkley have put their own semi-retirement plans into operation.’

‘You’re in charge, aren’t you?

‘Of course, but they have to do it all of their own free will and fly-off to the sun in the firm belief it was all their own idea.’

‘You know you said I’d have to find out about those two on my own. Well, I’ve discovered nothing, so perhaps you’d better come clean.’

‘All I know, all anyone knows - and this’s the point - is, you know that Art Deco block of flats between here and town? That’s where they live.’

‘Together?’

‘No. They each have a second floor flat; they live across the corridor from each other.’

‘Oh. Right.’

‘And, about twenty-five years ago, when this arrangement began, they each went halves on a timeshare in Spain. The only gossip ever to emerge, is that they nearly always take annual leave at the same time.’

‘They don’t look the part, do they?’

‘I’m not sure that’s an appropriate question these days?’

‘You know what I mean! Brinkley looks positively, Dickensian.’

‘Indeed, the miserly clerk, sat on a high stool at one of those high desks. Whilst Bernard looks like the country squire, fresh from tearing a strip off the stable lad.’

‘So, what happens, they keep their financial stake in the whole set-up I take it?’

‘Absolutely. They just hand over most of their clients to the staff they’ve been bringing along the last couple of years, with the exception of the Trust, the Park and the club accounts. If you go to the websites of Brinkley Associates, and Merriweather and Stollard, you will find them describing themselves as Consulting Accountant and Consulting Solicitor respectively.’

51: Doing archaeology

Charlie was doing her usual trick of asking what the “agenda for the day” was as we were towelled off after showering - so as to better take control of my wardrobe!

‘We need to settle on a strategy for dealing with the contents of the Villa.’ I replied.

‘Aren’t you putting the cart before the horse?’

‘What can you mean?’

‘Well shouldn’t you be in secret session with Brinkley and Merriweather deciding the fate of the Villa first?’

‘Well, the thing is, you remember the first time I took you there...’

‘I mean it should be a piece of cake for you to get as much time as you want to sort the possessions.’

‘Well, yes...’

‘There, jeans, tea shirt, leather jacket, trainers - ideal for dusty sorting, box carrying etc.’

‘You think we should be making a start today?’

‘For a few hours. Look, you don’t really know what there is yet, what the significance of what there is, is. You won’t know what can go, until the very end. Even sorting one room at a time. I mean as soon you hit on a document concerning anyone, you’ll have to stop and read it to know whether it has implications for everything else!’

‘Point taken.’

‘Besides. You’re a bit emotionally distracted now anyway. You may need weeks to take it all on board when it comes to your father’s stuff, as well as your Aunt’s. You’ve just got to feel your way around, at your own pace. However long that turns out to be.’

‘But there must be an efficient way of doing it.’

‘May be, but it’s not really about a house clearance is it, least not for you. It’s a learning process, you want the history to use, think of it like acquiring a skillset.’

‘Oh, right. So speaks the voice of the sports scientist, you mean take a thin-slice through each room...’

‘Try several.’

‘Then start to make links, so as to make one chunk, of the whole. Then make other chunks elsewhere.’

‘You just have to decide what the game is, if it is a game? If there are any rules at all!’

‘Well, the game is obvious - it’s archaeology.’

‘What?’

‘Digging up the past.’

We were sat in the kitchen of the Villa. Taking a break. Charlie, improvising a lunch from the Aunt’s well stocked freezer. ‘Why don’t I persuade the Trust to allow you to rent this place or better still buy a long lease, cheap? It would give you some long-term security. Then you could afford, with a loan or two, to remodel the place however you liked.’

‘With respect sir, for someone so smart, you have an amazing ability to miss the bleedin’ obvious.’

‘Oh yes?’

‘For a start that’s your fantasy, not mine. In your grand scheme of being master of all you survey at Checkley, with this as the town house, presided over by yours truly, you’re ignoring reality. Pandemic aside, if you inherit the gentleman’s manor house, realistically it won’t be for another twenty years or so!’

‘Possibly, possibly.’

‘You’ll be seventy! You’ll be like your uncle is now, trying to take it easy and keep-up at the same time. You won’t have the energy for any grand plans or schemes. If you want an ancestral home, this is all there is. A four-bed detached, thoroughly middle-class home with pretentions - which is what you really are! Take it, transform it into whatever state you want, then ask me whether I’ll join you. And be prepared for the reply that it is not within the terms of employment of a valet, sir - to be housekeeper and cleaner in a place of this size, thank you very much.’

‘I see, this is you putting your foot down is it?’

‘Sometimes I think you’ve got me completely back to front. I’ve been reading up about real val-ets, they only really existed between about nineteen hundred and nineteen thirty, and there weren’t that many of them! Yes, they were at the top of the tree, in that they had the same pay and status of a butler but without the drudgery or responsibility for others - freedom in other words. If they had the sense to let their employer set the pace, they could slip-stream behind and enjoy an unprecedented quality of life for someone of their background, a dozen country-house weekends every year, a car, a couple of foreign holidays and a transatlantic trip every few years. The opportunities for tips, were out of this world! But their freedom, their power, came from being able to walk away at a moment’s notice, knowing they could go work for any number of other people, who they already knew all about!’

‘I think I see where this is going.’

‘Amaze me, Holmes.’

‘Something about not being able to appreciate a butterfly if you try and hold it in your hand.’

‘I live in the here and now. If I’m content, I’ll still be here tomorrow.’ Then, eyeball to eyeball; ‘Love is found in the moment, like joy - it has to be remade every day.’

It wasn’t long before one of our sessions at the Villa coincided with one of Mr Murchison’s half days in the garden. ‘Good afternoon young man.’

‘How are you, sir’ I asked, as if he were a kindly schoolmaster or the vicar.

‘So far so good, staying out of the way of almost everybody.’

‘Charlotte’s here too, we try and put in a couple of hours sorting most days.’

‘I told Elisabeth she was becoming obsessive about family history, “who will care about all this?” I’d challenge her. “My nephew did read history Kenneth; he’ll know perfectly well what to do!” Ha! Just for the record, she never ran you down to other people, in case you ever wondered.’

‘Thank you. I understand you’ve spoken with her executor.’

‘Odd chap, still, seems I’m to carry-on, but consult with you about the future, I understand you are the Trust now.’

‘Well, the way it works is I come up with a proposal, then the lawyers and the accountants tell me whether I’m allowed to do it or not! The burning question of the hour is, do I want to live here, or do we rent or lease it to someone else. If I did move in, well I remember this garden the way it was forty years ago, I’m wondering whether it’s possible to bring it all back?’

‘Follow me.’ Murchison proceeded to the shed, took out a spade and with surprising ease, cut a section about sixty centimetres deep into the fallow veg garden. ‘So, what do you see?’

The soil was grey to black. ‘It’s not red!’

‘Now the borders aren’t quite as good, gets worse towards the house, but nonetheless. The house foundations are on the Meadfoot, but someone has shipped the soil in from somewhere down the road that’s Heavitree stone. A century of digging and composting. Elisabeth once brought out a couple of, well, Edwardian photos I suppose they must have been, they’d been found by Thomas Hayward somewhere. Find them, and you’re away. Where there’s a will, there’s a way!’

‘Come on then, give me the full tour, bring me up to speed, and I’ll fix it for you to have tea on the patio with Charlotte.’

46: The gathering storm

‘A little early for sowing grass seed surely?’ So said Uncle peering out from the veranda bar at the Park.

‘Well, there’s unlikely to be a penetrating frost.’

‘But doing it, when the ground is so soft…’

‘No, no, matey has a high-tech golf course thingy, whereby the tractor can throw the seed without ever leaving the rough, apparently.’

‘Still, cost you a few thousand if you have to do the whole lot again.’

‘Fear not, the special funding is more than adequate. Fancy another?’

‘Why not.’ Replied Uncle.

Then Cat wandered in. ‘Your Lordship. What ho, Tony! Where on earth is everyone?’

‘Good question. Rory and Frimley, one imagines, are stalking the corridors of Whitehall, no doubt discussing the virtues of the double-breasted suit when they should be attending to the impending crises. Wooley, our man in the media, will certainly be focused on all the upheaval, ascertaining the views of his readership, better to direct his outrage. Barmy is on-board our latest aircraft carrier somewhere in the north Atlantic - probably Portsmouth harbour according to Daphne. Tuffy will be following Lady Victoria around, everywhere!’

‘And the redoubtable?’ Asked Uncle.

‘About ten minutes away I trust, she commandeered my car for an overnight stay with her home-counties parents, something about getting the remainder of her kit from the loft.’

Then a man who did prime minister impressions came on the telly and announced a national lockdown.

‘I say, this is all getting a bit thick.’ Exclaimed Cat.

‘Isn’t it just.’

‘Does he mean us?’

‘He means everybody, I should give some thought as to where you intend to hole-up.’

‘Difficult to take a chap seriously when you remember him all spotty and with ink-stained fingers.’

‘Or reciting Homer, dressed in only a bedsheet...’ Suddenly I was conscious of the bar beginning to fill up, so I beat a hasty retreat to the carpark, there to await Charlotte and do a bit of quick thinking.

‘What’s on your mind?’

‘Blimey, how did you slip in without me noticing?’

‘I was already here.’

‘Oh, right. Hear the news?’

‘On the radio. No doubt you’ve already formulated a plan.’

‘Well not really, other than to postpone the turf laying on the greens.’

‘Will the Park close?’

‘Yes, almost certainly, but I do have one idea about the club.’

‘Come on then, I’ve cleared a space on the passenger seat.’

For a two-seater sports, it was remarkable how much Charlie had managed to cram in, it took several trips to unload at the apartment. ‘Might one enquire the nature of the items within these dusty boxes? Childhood treasures perhaps?’

‘A few, maybe. Mainly college stuff. Old clothes. Won’t be half as much once I’ve sorted it all, lots can go to the night shelter shop.’

‘I’ve been meaning to say, since the shelter is your main charity thing, we could get organised and throw the weight of the Trust behind them. You might suggest to whoever heads it up, to work up a proposal to put before the trustees.’

‘Really? Actually, I think he has a sort of regular presentation, a PowerPoint he hawks around.’

‘In fact, we the trustees, could insist that you act on our behalf and take a seat on their board, committee - whatever.’

‘There’s something I have to tell you. Well two things really. You know Captain Bob?’

‘The old relic who’s forever sitting at the outside tables of your old place of employment?’

‘He used to be my landlord.’

‘But I thought he was hard up, living on some old tub, forever in trouble with the harbour authorities over mooring fees or whatever. What are you smirking for?’

‘Ah ha! So, the great Sherlock can be deceived by appearances!’

‘Clearly I’m not close enough to the street.’

‘His yacht, pride of the marina, cost almost two million - twenty years ago!’

‘Gor-blimey, Govnor! In that case how could you afford one of the state rooms?’

‘He took pity on me when I was on my beam ends.’

‘He taught you all the nautical jargon then?’

‘He taught me a lot of things.’

‘Oh yes?’

‘The thing is, he was the one who told me who you were. One night on deck, he said; “You’d never guess that Tony you flirt with at the cafe lives in one of the flats in that terrace”.’

‘I see. But there really is some sort of dispute about his spot in the harbour.’

‘Yes. He refuses to pay the top level of rent, believes everyone should pay a flat fee, set at the lowest level. Says that ultimately, it’s just a money raising scam by the council, since everyone gets the same sized berth, the same service - or rather non-service!’

‘Right.’

‘But he takes the moral high ground, since he is the largest donor to the night shelter, dwarfing the council’s contribution, which is just discounted rent and rates, plus bugger all done about maintaining the building.’

‘You said there were two things.’

‘Father. He’s obviously been researching you. He was fishing about, “any marriage plans”, seems you get his approval. Wanted to assure me he’d be willing to fork-out, if everything was done properly. Seen to be done properly more like, he belongs to a group of Christian lawyers.’

‘Oh, really.’

Later that day, coming in from the kitchen with Tea, Charlie declared; ‘You look pensive.’

‘Yes, rummy phone call as Uncle might say. I’ve just been speaking to the hospital; they’ve put me off again. The first time they just advised don’t visit now because she has some sort of infection and the physio has not really got going. Now, they say visitors are prohibited full stop, auntie’s infection hasn’t improved, but they can’t say whether it’s covid-19 because they haven’t been able to test.’

‘Not good.’

‘She can’t go to the General because it’s full, but she does get oxygen from time to time.’

‘How old is she, precisely?’

‘Seventy-nine. I don’t know what to think, I don’t even know if they’ve got all the protective gear that they’re all talking about.’

A few days later we had our first masked intruder, Tuffy looked ridiculous on camera. ‘Let him in, for now.’

He was clearly agitated. ‘I’ll kill him!’

‘Calm yourself, old friend of my youth.’

‘It’s a vendetta, he’s always had it in for me, now he’s drunk with power.’

‘You can’t seriously believe the purpose of the lockdown is to put the kibosh on your wedding arrangements.’

‘How did you know I was... Worst of it is, Victoria thinks I should be able to use my influence to get some kind of exemption.’

‘But that’s just Vic taking the piss out of you, surely?’

‘What can you mean?’

‘Er, well anyway, I’m sure Charlie has a fix, ah yes, talk of the devil.’

‘If you’d care to step this way Mr Tufnell, sir’

‘Feel better?’

‘Much. I’ve never Skyped or Zoomed!’

‘Really?’

‘Charlotte says she’s only offering online support from now on.’

‘Well yes, I mean strictly speaking you shouldn’t be here right now, should you?’

‘I suppose not, do you really have to close the club?’

‘We just need to move online, that’s my plan anyway.’

‘How on earth?’

‘Well, if I can recruit the right person, and I think I can, then it’ll be a new pucka website for the Park. It will be fully interactive, the club members portal will have a forum with any kind of posting and video conferencing, the Games Room becomes at least one exclusive online game, links to key sports - if they happen! Daily email newsletter drawing everyone in, but best of all, if I look sharp about it, there is still time to scan the club interior in the latest 3D fashion.’

‘Why do that?’

‘So you, get the illusion that everything is happening from your favourite comfy chair in the lounge or stool in the bar. Come to think of it, I’ll try getting the conference area done too - that would place anybody in the audience for anything!’

45: There's a bug going around

‘If you care to proceed to the kitchen sir, I’ve laid out our election night spread.’

I duly obeyed. ‘Goodness! Party food. But surely, all of this, well, it’s not food at all by your usual strict criteria.’

‘I know, but look closer. It’s the health food store’s artificial version of artificial food, if you see what I mean. All made with sugar substitute stuff, but using some kind of dodgy veg oil I think, otherwise it would all fall apart.’

‘So, not only will it taste of less than nothing, we have no idea whether it’s even more dangerous to health than the original.’

‘I know.’

‘This is my reward for not distancing myself enough from politics I suppose. Nice of you to go to all the trouble.’

‘Actually, it wasn’t any trouble, because of the time of year, the store has a kind of kid’s bran tub thingy at the cash desk. So, I used up all the points on my store card.’

‘Oh right, the card you failed to get passed Brinkley.’

‘That’s the one! So anyway, before you switch on the tv, what’s the result going to be?’

‘I really don’t know.’

‘Yes, but that’s what your head says, what’s your gut feeling?’

‘Buffy’s going to get away with it, a majority of say, between forty and fifty?’

‘What! No way! Surely not? They must be wrong.’ So exclaimed Charlie a few moments after 10,00pm.

‘Trouble is, unlike opinion polls, these exit polls that have been introduced in the last couple of decades have been getting more and more accurate.’

‘Then why aren’t you punching the air? Rory will romp it with a majority of, what?’

‘Er, just about five thousand, if it is a swing of around ten per cent. It’s too much, not for Rory I mean - Buffy will be insufferable.’

‘Shouldn’t have got into bed with him then.’

‘Time to make a hasty withdrawal, via the back staircase. From now on I’m turning on, tuning in and dropping out - as Uncle used to be fond of saying.’

‘Eat your treats.’

There are two kinds of people, those who require one screen on their desks and those who require two. I’m a one screen person but I’ve met plenty of the other sort. Market traders, bankers, bookies, people with security responsibilities etc. The second screen sits there in their peripheral vision, often their whole working lives. Their brains unconsciously absorb and learn the patterns, then notice difference. Those of us with one screen like one task at a time, but we have our regular habits - and sometimes the irregular just shouts something’s wrong. It was just before Christmas that I found myself reading online another of those Chinese health stories that occur every few years, a rush of pneumonia cases, suggestive of a virus - is it another strain of flu? Video of the authorities taking even more elaborate tech precautions than usual. I found I was still staring at the screen some minutes after finishing the story. Markets will fall, I thought to myself. China is the most important economy even if no one admits it yet. Why should I be feeling concern? A little of the Trust’s assets had been invested with listed companies, but only the safest - banks, insurance companies and the like. The Trust acts a bit like a pension fund really… Then I had it, this is personal, a personal health scare.

‘Brinkley. Good morning to you. The Trust money you persuaded us to invest in the markets a year or so ago, how’s it doing? ..Jumped since the election, well that’s good then. Be so kind as to contact matey, now - and tell him to sell it all, today. ..Yes, it may well rise further, but I have a bad feeling about China. ..Yes. ..No. You’ll find written instructions are already in your inbox.’

After hectic post-election Christmas celebrations at the Park, Charlie finally got a proper sit-down tea at Aunt Elisabeth’s on Boxing Day. In fact, she made quite a hit with the members of the Book Club. Firstly, on account of having braved the elements in a rather spectacular floral peasant dress, secondly, she knew the book they had all been digesting - Only A Factory Girl by Rosie M Banks. It was a reissue by the Nonsuch Press in their Modern Romantic Classics series. It turned out she’d read a first edition when she was fourteen, the volume in question being owned by her mother, but with an inscription on the flyleaf written in her grandmother’s childhood fist!

Once literary criticism had been exhausted, conversation turned inevitably to gossip. I was shocked to discover that several of the assembled company were already aware of a surprise announcement made at the club lunch barely forty-eight hours previously. Tuffy had taken it upon himself to make a speech, uninvited. He’d rambled for a while about how throughout his life he’d been unlucky in love. There had been definite murmurings of discontent from the crowd. I’d begun to feel anxious myself, but then he’d suddenly announced that Lady Victoria Herring had graciously consented to be his wife. This was followed by a moment of stunned silence before myself and others realised, we’d better start clapping like crazy.

‘So, what do we know of the gal?’ Aunt Elisabeth appeared to be addressing me with her comment.

‘Hardly a girl, aunt. Tuffy and I first met her when we were at school and had signed-up for formal dance classes, she was one of the girls bused in from St. Hilda’s to help out. We took to her right away because she obviously knew what she was doing, even then all her leisure hours were dominated by the ballet. She and Tuffy went out together a few years later, he even got as far as introducing her to his mother, but nothing much transpired.’

‘Of a suitable age, well that at least is reassuring.’

‘Oh, Vic’s alright, what I don’t comprehend is why a woman, having gone to all the trouble of getting rid of one husband, barely six months previously, should want to take on another?’

‘Moneyed is he, this Tufnell fella?’ So spoke the only other male at the tea party. It was Murchison, who had been Aunt’s jobbing gardener throughout the years of her widowhood, but also shared her taste in literature.

‘Really Kenneth! A little tact please.’

‘Well, Tuffy’s father did rather well, but how much remains I haven’t a clue. Tuffy and his mother live very simply in a rather lovely Victorian terraced house - two storeys below street level, three above, plus attic quarters, the whole works! It was there that Tuffy’s father introduced me to Sherlock Holmes, in the perfect Baker Street house.’

‘I hear all Lady Victoria’s divorce settlement went into opening her art gallery.’ This from the lady who used to work at the library.

‘Well, that I can neither confirm nor deny I’m afraid. I assume she has some money of her own, the Herring fortune was a large one in bygone days.’ At that point Charlie nudged me hard enough to rattle my china tea cup, I took it as a cue to stop rambling and shut up.

The conversation drifted to other local characters with whom I have little interest. Finally, as the Aunt made efforts to draw the encounter to a close, she apologised to the assembled company, saying she would be unable to attend their next get together due to a prior engagement at a local hospital. It appeared her medical advisors had persuaded her to seek a surgical solution to some of her joint problems. But she assured everyone, she would get stuck into the prescribed reading.

27: Book of the month

‘What’s all this?’

‘It’s not me it’s the others. They’ve been coming up to me for weeks, “I say old man, slip this under your tree for Sparkwell”, I didn’t want them to know all your business so…’

‘It’s going to look a bit bad when they realise I haven’t reciprocated.’

‘Not anymore!’

‘How do you mean?’

‘They don’t expect anything in return, in fact even if you were inclined to, you shouldn’t. It’s like the tipping, they’re giving you what is justly yours. They’re fans Charlie, and as long as you don’t start behaving like a Diva, you’re set for life. You just have to slightly adjust your view of yourself, give yourself slightly higher status. Imagine we’d met during a war, that you’d been my trusted soldier servant, that we’d saved each other’s lives, etc.’

It was Christmas morning and for the very first time we were having a lie in. Charlie had even allowed use of the teamaker so generously provided by the Park. We stared into space, wondering what to do with a country mansion that was ours alone for the next twenty-four hours.

‘How come Julia isn’t a Countess, but just a Lady?’

‘Ah, yes, well, ha, now we are into dark waters, and I can’t pretend to really understand, try searching College of Arms.’

‘Who?’

‘They’re a sort of office of state, there to keep the official record of titles, and the rights that follow from them, everything the Crown has given away down the centuries.’

‘My mobile is in my bag, you explain. I mean a Countess is more important surely, normally goes with an Earl.’

‘Well, the thing is, these days, looking on from the outside, then yes, Countess seems grander. They could go about as the Earl and Countess of this place, but it’s something about the lesser title Uncle had when they first married, being older. If you’re part of the aristocracy what really counts in terms of status is longevity, how far back in history your direct ancestor got their title and authority. And, over the years, as with so many things, the number of different titles has expanded, more and more people have been given them with more and more elaborate names, a sort of grade inflation I suppose. Then again it may all just be in a family name, catch Cat Mackintosh when he’s had a skin-full and he’ll claim, “my people came south with James I”. Now that’s well before the act of union, well before any Scottish dukedom. Ask him about Scottish independence and you’re likely get the reply; “Independence from whom?”

‘Do you know how to get onto the roof?’

‘Yes, but don’t tell anyone, especially Uncle.’

‘You can have me up there. In fact, lay it on.’

‘Yes, best left till the spring. Then in the summer you can spend a night up there alone looking at the stars. You know I’ve noticed lately you’ve started giving very direct, one might say unemotional statements, that’s what I’m meant to do, whilst you’re supposed to be flooded by emotion. I never thought much of the idea of an autistic spectrum as you know, but now I’m thinking it has totally out lived its usefulness.’

‘American users of services often call themselves neuro-atypical.’

‘Interesting. On the other hand if all the vital hormones are neurotransmitters too, especially those which can permeate the nasal cavity…’

‘Dirty sod.’

‘..you and I must be thoroughly locked-on to each other by now, our brains will have already developed new neural pathways, new structures. What I mean is, neither of us can be what we once were.’

‘What you mean is, we’re stuck with each other!’

And so we idled away our time, until late in the evening a text arrived from Aunt Elisabeth. ‘Gosh, things must be bad, we’ve been asked to rally round.’

‘Sorry? I don’t get it.’

‘Well rather than turn up at four o’clock prompt tomorrow for tea as honoured guests, there to mingle with the members of the Book Club, she’s humbly requesting we turn up at noon, help organise, make tea and serve etc.’

‘What happened?’

‘Not sure, she just says, “let down by my usual caterers”.’

I started briefing Charlie more or less as soon as she pulled out of the Park carpark, there was some ground to cover. Naturally enough, parking arrangements at Aunt Elisabeth’s rather desirable Edwardian town house took a while to explain - not least because the Aunt disapproved of my two-seater and always wanted it out of sight. Then the house itself. ‘What you have to understand Charlie is, although that side of the family made money from trade, nonetheless they always aspired to grandness, to acquiring a history, so you’ll find the whole interior a bit museum like, not just out of date because of her age, but the walls of every room are used as a kind of billboard for advertising the enterprise of all my ancestors, that is those who achieved something Auntie approves of, there are quite a few others who have been quietly forgotten.’

‘Shame, they’re the ones I really need to know about!’

‘Keep your eyes on the road. Now then, you’ll also find various bits of medical tech discretely left lying about and when she refers to the domestic help I’m never quite sure of their status; housekeeper or home help, carer or nurse, cook or chief bottle washer - see what I mean?’

‘I know a bit about that, she’s confided a lot about the people she’s consulted for various complaints down the years.’

‘Excellent. Now, the guest list. Although almost all of them are well to do, none of them are as rich as she is - and as you are aware she herself is better off than she realises - so, many of them look forward to her turn as host with eager anticipation, a mix one suspects of envy and admiration, of despising at the same time as wanting to know how it’s done. Now, here we are, the house is the third one up the street coming up on the left, but as I said keep going because we need to park in the back lane.’

As she came to a halt and cut the engine Charlie remarked; ‘Is there enough space for others to pass?’

‘Just, it was of course built for the tradesmen’s horse and cart, not a coach and four.’

‘Really?’

‘Sure, look at the clever kerbstones, the steep camber, there are no storm drains, water runs straight down the road and about a quarter of a mile distant goes over the cliff into the bay. It worked too, those palm trees we passed have flourished for a century, properly drained you see…’

‘You’re nervous, that’s what sends you all nerdy.’

‘Well, just a bit.’

‘Stick to the essentials, we’re on time but only just.’

‘Okay, so we enter by the back gate, it’s a long garden, but a nice straight level path for the delivery boy’s trolley.’

‘Shut, up!’

As we walked up the path we passed under the rather tatty remains of what must have once been a rather spectacular bower. ‘There’s something I’ve been meaning to say…’

‘We’ll be late.’

‘It’s okay, she’ll be able to see us from the villa now.’

‘Villa? Oh I see, as in detached. Well get on with it.’

‘Julia wasn’t quite on the mark when she said I had fantasies of you being mistress of Checkley. The fact is the old aristocracy were rather good at recognising the differences between men and women, our need to do our own thing and for personal space. When I think about the manor I imagine owning it and having charge of it, making it my space. There, the lady of the house would fit in with my wishes. However, these couples of olden days usually had another property in town, naturally the wife had her own social circle and anyway might well live in a place like this during various seasons of the year, where she’d be the one calling the shots, so to speak. I merely mention this in passing.’

Charlie turned to face me, with a definite thrust of the chin. ‘You’d better look sharp about it my lad, because if you can’t keep me satisfied, day to day, week to week, your future imaginings will be just so much bollocks!’

As we approached the back door there was the sound of bolts being drawn. ‘Thank you for coming at such short notice my dear. Anthony, show Charlotte how to use the scraper.'

As we passed through the old pantry: ‘Now I’ve found you an old apron, but it does have some lovely embroidery on it, it used to belong to Bernard Merriweather’s mother, she was a wonderful cook, started out in life working as a maid for that dreadful man who made his millions from convenience stores and had that mock castle built on the edge of the Moor. She was forever recalling how the flat roofs leaked. Anthony, you’d better remove that jacket, roll up your sleeves and put on this gardening apron of Mr Murchison’s, who by a strange coincidence is related to…’

17: Charlie Barista

‘Anthony! About time.’

‘Morning Auntie. Brinkley, my apologies, Charlie had problems finding a parking space.’

‘I trust she’s not joining us?’ Exclaimed the esteemed relative.

‘No aged A. She’s sat in reception, but she has my briefcase just in case we need documents.’ I walked across to the window. ‘I say, you really have bagged the best office, quite the most impressive view of our cathedral city I always think. Of course, Merriweather has a slight advantage being on the floor above…’

I was interrupted by Brinkley trying to stifle a cough, he recovered remarkably well. ‘I fear there has been a slight breakdown in communications. Mrs Hayward was quite unaware that we had moved location - almost two weeks ago - and that we are now in the same building as Bernard and his new partners.’

‘Really? Still, it all looks very efficient to me.’

‘Rather too ostentatious for my tastes, I hadn’t realised how prosperous you had become. I take it your business really is doing well, and that all this isn’t just done on the “never-never”?’

‘I can assure you we pay a minimal rent to the leaseholders.’

‘They’re sub-letting to you?’

‘In essence, Mrs Hayward. Merriweather and Stollard, as we must get use to calling them, have taken a lease on the whole building.’

‘And who pray owns the building?’

‘Well, in part, you do.’

‘Oh really, this is too much, you’re becoming as vague and evasive as my nephew.’

‘Surely you remember great Uncle Septimus telling you that one of his ancestors was a partner in the old bank which used to occupy this building in the 1860’s?’

‘Of course.’

‘Well, they held what we’d call the freehold on this place and it became one of the original assets in the Trust’s portfolio when it was first set up back in the year whenever!’

‘I see.’

‘In fact, Mrs Hayward, I’ve just had the rather delicious pleasure of replying to Bernard’s email reminding us that the rent was due - with a formal letter demanding the ground rent!’

I hadn’t seen such a broad smile on Brinkley’s face before. But once again he seemed to make a supreme effort in the face of Auntie’s non-response. ‘Well now, the floor is yours Mrs Hayward.’

‘I have certain questions about how you have been conducting business on behalf of the Trust, Brinkley.’

‘Indeed madam. I should say that in response to your urgent request for a meeting of the trustees, well I’ve kept this quite informal between the three of us for now, should you wish to make it official we will of course need to get Bernard along with one of his legal secretaries.’

‘Well that rather depends on the two of you giving me some straight answers for once; if not, I’m sure since the others are on the premises, it shouldn’t take more than a moment to summon them.’

‘Actually, I’m afraid, well I know for a fact, Bernard is in court today.’

‘Strange. One would have thought that as the senior partner he would have left the less savoury side of his profession to the more junior staff.’

‘Now there you’ve put your finger on it, Mrs Hayward. I fear our mutual friend has a weakness - he rather fancies himself as an advocate.’

‘I say!’

‘Oh, do stop this charade Anthony! You sound like a character out of one of those musicals from the 1930’s.’

‘Sorry, Auntie. It is a serious matter if Merriweather has taken to arguing his own cases in court - one can’t help wondering how his clients feel about it?’

‘I understand he’s quite meticulous about his preparations and presentation in court, very thorough with his law, it’s just, well he doesn’t seem that knowledgeable about the kind of judges he comes up against. Of course, we are rather out in the sticks here, and it tends to be all very last minute when it comes to finding out who will be sitting in the Crown Court. Anyway, I digress. Now Mrs Hayward, what precisely was it you were unhappy about?’

‘This notification you sent me, this purchase; why on earth have the two of you spent a seven-figure sum on some mineral rights?’

‘Yes, I’m afraid even that notification is rather out of date now, there should be a further written notification coming to you in the next few days.’

‘And what will that say?’

‘That the acquisition has now been disposed of.’

‘You were able to make a quick profit I take it?’

‘No. We made the mineral rights a charitable gift.’

‘What! You gave away...’

‘There is a quite unrelated matter you might be interested in Auntie, apropos of nothing at all you understand, I have recently, using my own money, bought a forty per cent interest in the Crawford Park development.’

‘But you don’t have any money of your own, beyond your monthly allowance!’

‘Oh, that was more than enough!’

‘These things do tend to come down to accounting convenience in the end Mrs Hayward.’

‘But I’ve been hearing appalling things about that country hideaway you and your associates have been creating, how it’s all about to go belly-up because you were too incompetent to realise the very ground on which it stands… oh I see.’

‘Property in the English countryside Mrs Hayward, as I’m sure you will appreciate has always been the soundest of long-term investments, and when one considers the fact that your nephew’s Uncle, the Earl, holds another forty per cent…'

Suddenly there was at knock on the door. ‘Enter!’ And there stood Charlie holding a plastic tray at shoulder height, upon which there appeared to be four paper takeaway cups with plastic lids - but lacking any of the usual brand advertising. ‘Good gracious Ms Sparkwell, does this mean you’ve been able to make the coffee machine work? It is the one item alas that has failed to be efficient so far!’

‘It just needed a bit of a kick-start Mr Brinkley. I blasted the mechanism with boiling water for ten seconds or so.’

‘By the way, since you are here, I should say we more or less, finally, have a job description and a contract of employment for you.’

‘I know, a lady calling herself Merriweather and Stollard’s employment law specialist just nipped down from upstairs to brief me. How she knew I was here I’ve no idea?’

‘Blame me Charlie, the whole building has a single new security system. I’m afraid I took the opportunity and persuaded Bernard to host a modest little road test of some facial recognition software a friend has been tinkering with.’

‘Surprise, surprise. Anyway, she’s explained the draft documents the two of you came up with, and the changes she’s insisting upon.’

‘I knew it! Is there no area of life where the two of you won’t angle for some advantage? What on earth were they going to make you sign my dear?’

‘Well that wasn’t at all clear apparently, the wording being so vague. Her main concern however is my residence at the apartment, and what might happen in the event of a breakdown in relations, so to speak.’

‘A not unlikely eventuality where my nephew is concerned, he has - I regret to say - a somewhat equivocal reputation. So, how is the matter to be resolved?’

‘My employer will formally be the charitable arm of the Trust, whilst my normal duties will be as a “carer” to one of the trustees, I may also be called upon to undertake tasks in other areas of the Trust’s charitable activities.’

‘Now that Brinkley my old son, is what we pay Merriweather so handsomely for. All we have to do now is make sure he doesn’t get carried away by the sound of his own voice and ends up being chucked in chokey for contempt of court!’

Then Auntie, determined to have the last word as always, said; ‘Charlotte, this coffee is really quite acceptable. Brinkley, I think a modest outlay on some china cups would be in order.’