150: A month in the country

As usual I was feeling hard pressed to do all that needed to be done before we left for our annual summer vacation, or ‘working holiday’ as Charlie prefers to call it.

I was catching up with a recent tv report on the Abbey station, their hook being that in the act of digging up the carpark, to reinstate platform four, we’d discovered the original dressed stones which had once made up the then higher wall around the town side of the property. In truth of course the rail enthusiasts had long suspected the stones were there and anticipated the need to raise the wall again to reduce noise levels with the return of steam, help obscure the view from the public park opposite and generally better secure the site. Still, the news report amply served our purpose, deflecting as it did attention away from complaining car lovers who nonetheless liked to regularly commute to the capital by train. Then I was interrupted with; ‘A postal communication from the Palace of Westminster, sir!’

‘Good lord!’

‘Indeed, the House of Lords, sir.’

I hastily opened and attended to the letter in question; ‘Blah, blah, blah, oh my lord, Frimley what are you getting into? We’d better go. I’ll explain in the car.’

‘Well, on the face of it, it’s just the noble lord sending me a flyer for the three-day annual meeting of his Constitution Group at the Park. Book now to avoid disappointment, as it were.’

‘But you never do attend.’

‘Precisely. However, it also contains a schedule of the highlights on offer, including a debate on “Civil Service Non-compliance” to be led by one Buffy Trumpton.’

‘I’d hoped we’d seen the last of him.’

‘Quite. Another session on the “repeal and restore thesis”, whatever that is, led by some historian and one on the adoption of the “Flotterton Manifesto” led by Lord Bittadon.’

‘I thought you said Rory was writing a thriller, and he doesn’t like Buffy any more than we do.’

‘Hence Frimley’s covering note, I quote; “My dear fellow I feel I must warn you that the speech you inspired in the former Honourable Rory years ago, and later taken up by my former benefactor, may have returned to haunt us all” Exclamation mark.’

‘I didn’t know Rory was an Honourable.’

‘He’s the above-mentioned Lord Bittadon now, his father recently died.’

‘Oh my god! There’s talk Prue has gone back to him, you don’t think...’

‘More than likely.’

‘So, what you’re saying is, all that nonsense you made up on the spur of the moment whilst staring into the fire with Rory and which appeared in The Beacon is now being taken seriously as future government policy?’ She said, as we unloaded at the back of Checkley Manor.

‘Yes, amongst the right-thinking. Frimley’s group is attempting to straddle the gulf between the once great party and all the disaffected of the last ten years.’ I replied as we came to a halt in the hall. ‘It’s awfully quiet in here, we must be on time for once.’

We found our usual accommodation ready for us. But when we reached the big kitchen there was no sign of life. We finally tracked them down in the library, sat opposite each other, both absorbed in their respective screens. ‘What ho, what ho, aged aunt, your lordship.’

‘Well, I’ll be damned. You’re on schedule. Well done, Charlotte. Can’t be easy, bringing this one to heal.’

‘Well done Charlotte indeed! Take a look at this.’ Said the aunt. We leered at her screen, it showed a mock-up of the cover of the next issue of The Countrywoman, it was a photo of Charlie laughing with Mr and Mrs HRH with the headline, Countrywoman Correspondent Honoured at Windsor.

‘Two too many words, Countrywoman Correspondent Honoured, is better. Your discerning readers will know it can’t be Buck House by the shape of the windows.’

‘Not too tabloid?’

‘You can never be too tabloid.’

Over lunch, Uncle exclaimed; ‘Gregson introduced me to your student gardener the other day. You kept that one quiet. Odd lad, seemed more interested in the house than the estate.’

‘I’m afraid I gave him a copy of the book when he was on placement at the Park, he became as fascinated with the people as much as the landscape.’

‘I see.’

‘Tim, as you might imagine comes from generations of cap-doffing outdoor staff, he has no time for such deference, but his ambition is not for revolution, he’s after a piece of the action.’

‘Shacked-up with his girlfriend over at the cottage as we speak, I must say that’s very liberal minded of Mrs Gregson.’

‘One rule for the rich, beloved?’ Said Julia with deep irony.

‘What?’

‘I say, Uncle, how’s your health? No family history of heart attacks or seizures?’

‘No!’

‘Said girlfriend is the eldest child and heir to one Barnabas Gruber.’

‘Holy Moses!’

‘The vomiting bridesmaid?’

‘One and the same dearest aunt.’

‘Now you listen up, Anthony. This could spell disaster for all of us if it gets out of hand, you still cooperating with this, Gruber?’

‘Uncle, we shared a dorm at school!’

Then Charlie weighed in with; ‘The same could be said of Buffy Trumpton, remind me, how did that work out?’

‘Barmy, now a subject of the Crown, let me assure you, has turned himself into a charitable foundation, much along the lines of the Trust, I’ve just accepted a seat on their board.’

‘And what of the daughter?’

‘In fairness to Tony, Melisa’s been in and out of our place at least a couple of times a week for years, I realise now he’s been mentoring her from the start. I think you can be reassured on those grounds, sir.’

And after a pause; ‘Thank you Charlotte, you’re a blessing, who knows where we’d be without your steady hand. Sometimes I fear for England.’

‘I think you’ll find it’s been this United Kingdom for the last three hundred years.’

And so it all began, our month in the country, it turned out Melisa was only dropping by at weekends, too hugger-mugger with Jack at the workshop and dropping by Royal Oak. I’d gone alone to see the good captain before we left town. I suggested the time might be right, to write inviting Mrs HRH alone, to be patron. The wording would be everything, I asserted as I handed him a draft. ‘It’s very short!’ He responded.

‘Yes. You offer her a free hand, ask nothing but for the privilege.’

In time I bumped into Tim, whilst roaming the grounds. He had his eye in, mentioned south facing slopes conducive to modern commercial orchards, vineyards? I showed him the walled garden and the cellar, normally off-limits to Gregson. ‘But, there’s nothing inevitable about the peninsula becoming the next Bordeaux, this warming could be in retreat in another thirty years. We adapt to what we see today.’ He agreed to help out with an early picking due to the dry weather. Then I hit him with; ‘What do you know about Melisa’s family?’

‘With respect sir, what do you know?’

‘Everything.’

‘Then, you’ll tell me what I need to know, when I need to know it?’

‘Tim, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.’

‘Sir?’

‘Closing line of a rather famous movie. A film about pragmatism, in time of war.’

139: To the manor born

‘You two still yacking?’ She said, looking accusatively in my direction.

‘What is yacking?’ Said the voice from the chaise lounge.

‘To talk aimlessly.’ I interceded.

‘But we talk seriously, purposefully. And we are old buddies, ya?’

‘May I remind you, sir! We are due at Checkley in time for lunch. Number two car is out the front, packed and ready to go. No offence Barmy.’

‘Then we will conclude.’

‘What on earth is that?’ Charlie said looking at my screen.

‘Tony’s timeline, for the years preceding his parent’s death, so far it’s only plotted with the data from the two sets of passports, British and Swiss, but they are all road border crossings, we’ve been speculating.’

‘Amongst others things. I’ve also briefed Barmy on Jack, vis-a-vis Mel.’

‘Right.’

‘Give me a second and I’ll email this infographic to the two of you, all ideas welcome because although I learnt plenty from Daphne and Archie, that’s just eliminated possibilities, not actually suggested any answers.’

Barmy rose to leave; ‘Give some care to how you present the data, at some point you may want to give it to Eltham’s AI app. In time I’m sure he will connect it to all the road mapping data coming from his self-drive EV’s, that’s already including European borders, manned or not. If Wieck wanted the passports, or wanted them back, then it must still be a live issue, the present day should be your baseline.’

‘Holy shit!’

‘This is what they pay me for Charlie, holy shit, I see myself out.’

‘Do you trust Barmy?’ She asked when we were on the road.

‘I don’t need to; we’ve talked all this through before. Besides, we’re all family in a sense. The wildest question that occurs to me in sleepless moments is, was Barmy, then a recent import from Germany, placed alongside me at school on purpose, by persons unknown?’

‘Now that would be creepy! Anyway, what worries me now is how your uncle will react if our holiday is disturbed by my house hunting parents. I told Thayer to text any and all developments.’

‘I did pre-warn him that we might have to step out and meet your folks at some point.’

‘Thanks.’

As we were unloading at the manor, I said; ‘It’s been months and you still haven’t noticed when it’s staring you in the eye.’

‘Noticed what?’

‘Where the dish is.’

‘Should I have?’

‘This boot lid, it’s somewhat thicker than it used to be!’

‘Oh, my... I just thought I was losing it because I couldn’t get so much in. So, Jack’s lads fitted them to both?’

‘Sure, same method that’s used when they’re fitted under the skin of an aircraft.’

Then a voice-off shouted; ‘Come on you two, you're late.’

‘Fulsome apologies for our late arrive.’ I said as we came through the door of the big kitchen.

‘He says, dripping with sincerity.’ Replied uncle, with that whiff of existential despair.

‘Sorry too, in advance, for us being distracted by my parents.’ Added Charlie.

‘Now that’s, a legitimate excuse.’

A moment or two later, just as we were dunking fresh-baked bread into our homemade soup, my mobile pinged. When I raised my head from reading, they were all looking at me; ‘That was an email from Bernard.’

‘Who?’ Asked Julia.

‘His solicitor, someone finally caught up with him no doubt.’ Quipped the uncle.

‘Congratulations Charlie, you are, in the absence of any other claimants, now the proud owner of all the worldly goods of the late great Kenneth Murchison.’

‘And the flat?’

‘Any money raised to go to the Trust, Bernard suggests we give some thought to how his life might be memorialised, which by great good fortune is also now your responsibility too, given your position as lead trustee for charitable affairs.’

‘How much will the sale raise?’

‘Well, despite it having only one bedroom, it has as you’ve so often expressed, a grand location and situation, Bernard suggests there really is only one estate agent in the county capable of promoting...’

At which point Julia interrupted my peroration by reaching over and handing Charlie what looked like a copy of the forthcoming edition of The Countrywoman, presumably containing the photo spread of, and her extended captions on, the royal visits. There was a cheque paper-clipped to the front, though I was unable to read the amount.

‘But this is way too much.’ Protested Charlie.

‘Nonsense my dear, this is the second time in the magazine’s history you’ve enabled us to put Royal Exclusive on the cover.’

Late afternoon I went in search of Gregson before he packed up for the day. ‘You had me confused when you arrived sir, you not heading for the vines, like.’

‘We were late, and I rather assumed they’d be neglected.’

‘His lordship struggles a bit these days, though I doubt he’d admit as much.’ Then, looking directly at me, he said; ‘I must thank you for what you’re doing for our Tim.’

‘Er, Tim Adler is one of yours?’

‘Cousin Irene’s boy. She married an Adler, funny that. My father had three brothers, that’s how Gregsons is everywhere hereabouts. He used to love visiting when he was a nipper.’

‘He’s a useful gardener, and smart with it!’

‘Of course you see that, sir. Steering him towards the Arlington Trust and all. The others, family like, they see good school work and think, chance to get out of rural concerns. Always liked the lad. What do you make of this girl he’s hanging around with?’

‘Ah! She’s the daughter of old friends, known her since she was a child too. Tell anyone who’s concerned to rest easy.’

‘Now I must tell you, we had a day out on the railway the other day, there was a call out for volunteers to try out the first battery train. The wife put together a traditional picnic basket, quite a party atmosphere in our carriage in the end. Then afterwards we repaired at the Railway Arms, wonderful display of old photos, I couldn’t help wondering what’s intended for the bay platforms that used to take trains up the valley?’

‘Well, there is a thought they would make a good location for servicing a Dining Train, that could shuttle up and down in the evenings.’

‘Use some old Brighton Belle Pullman’s likely as not?’

‘No, no. They’re all in use by the charter trains. No, the thought is a couple of Mark One buffet cars could be restored as proper kitchen cars, back-to-back, with open First Class carriages at either end. Authentic, mid nineteen fifties.’

‘Course if you were to do it proper like you’d need to be serving Brown Windsor soup, lamb and two veg. Maybe suet pudding to finish.’

‘Perhaps we should hire your good lady to consult!’

The Moor takes people in different ways. Though we were only to be away twenty-four hours, I’d spent many hours prepping Charlie and she was in constant touch with Junior Jack. Little could be left to chance. I insisted for example that the room we would use overnight must be inferior to the one occupied by Sparkwell KC and wife.

‘We are lowly, we are humble, we attend upon and defer to. Whilst you sit demurely and hold your tongue, I am enthralled by his every utterance.’ I expounded, as I drove us through the labyrinth of moorland roads.

‘You’re going to have me behave in just the way father always expected of me. He’ll assume I’ve finally been broken on the wheel.’

‘It’s a game I’m willing to play because I’m not you. I’m guessing the fastest way to get him to relax and feel safe, is to mirror him. And tomorrow is a Sunday.’

I’m sure dear reader you are only too familiar with the modern hotel dining experience, which of course is why we have the club, so I’ll cut to the chase. Talk of house hunting arose of its own accord, but it wasn’t until later over coffee in the lounge that Sparkwell senior felt able to unburden himself. ‘Our worry, as even you may appreciate Charlotte, is as much about finding a spiritual home as a material one.’

‘I wonder sir, when you were consulting Mr Thayer, whether you took the opportunity of visiting the cathedral?’

‘Most certainly.’

‘Well, on the floor above County Estates is the office of my accountant Lawrence Brinkley, he does the cathedral’s books. And on the floor above him is my solicitor one Bernard Merriweather who is the Chancellor of the diocese of said cathedral, now they’re a gossipy old pair but, it strikes me they might be well-up on the kind of gossip, you’d want to know about.’

‘You seem remarkably well-connected Tony?’ Said Charlie’s mother.

‘Well, everyone knows everyone else hereabouts, it’s just the way it is.’

‘Thank you, Anthony. You’ve given us much to think about.’

‘Perhaps we should leave it there for today then.’

‘Yes, tomorrow is an early start. The manager informs me the local church is but a short walk.’

‘Only five minutes, but uphill all the way, father.’ Said Charlie, rising majestically.

138: A walk in the park

‘He’s fast isn’t he, how come he’s so fast?’ I said, looking down to the end of the garden.

‘He’s young.’ Declared Charlie.

‘He’s always fast.’ Added Melisa, with a chuckle.

‘And he barely takes five minutes for tea!’

‘He’s always quick to recover too.’

‘Well answer me this Mel, given his height, how come he doesn’t have a stoop?’

‘He's had his spade customised, it's got a longer shaft. Always uses his own tools. Has quite a bag full in the van.’

‘Taken to chauffeuring him around I take it?’

‘We practically live in the van.’

‘Really.’

‘When I cleared out the back of all Mr Mackintosh’s stuff, Jack showed me his van, he has all this great flooring, he gave me a length off his roll.’

‘Does Jack know your father?’

‘I don’t think so.’

‘You should introduce them some time.’

‘Why?’

‘Has Jack explained all the computer electronics in his van?’

‘No, just says it’s all for driver assist, self-drive.’

‘Ah! Actually, it’s more about counter measures shall we say, that’s why I think your dad might be interested.’

‘But he’s official, whilst Jack is...’

‘Your father is an independent consultant, brought in because the state apparatus has trouble keeping up with the private economy, he lets them in on what he thinks they ought to know. Comprende?’

‘I think I might be beginning to!’

‘Why are we doing this?’

‘A walk in the woods, when have you ever been known to turn down a walk in the woods?’

‘Another, “inspecting the works” I meant.’

‘Because Brinkley is insisting on attending this afternoon’s board meeting to hammer home the need for tight accounting. And he will also be nervous about the degree to which the Trust has been lending to the Park company over the water works. I need to be well armoured against attack, not to mention uncle.’

We walked down from the back of the house, on top of the now refilled new trench. ‘It leaves quite a scar on the landscape.’ Observed Charlie, walking in front.

‘Yes, we need to stop people using it as a path, especially if we try and plant new stuff, might be a project for young Tim in due course.’

‘Is it all on a new alignment?’ She said, coming to a halt.

‘More or less.’ I replied, walking on. ‘Once the contractors had realised there was an easier gradient to be had, they were only too pleased not to dig out the old piping. It’s probably modern diggers that make it worth while going deeper to get a better lie, meaning the pump doesn’t have to work so hard.’

‘Hey!’ She said, her voice now a little distant. ‘If you look back, you can see intermittent patches of better tree growth, over there and there.’ I wandered back a step or two. ‘I’m sure that’s where there have been longstanding leaks.’

‘More money saved then.’

In time we reached the restored pumping station, the only point in the parkland where you can hear the flowing river before you see it.

‘Very smart. What’s that?’ She said, looking at a new grey panel in the wall.

‘One of Eltham’s battery storage things, fed from the solar panel on the roof, supplements the mains, covers power cuts as well.’ I fiddled with the keys borrowed from the office. ‘We’ve kept the old back-up generator; it’s just been reconditioned. It’s the electric pump that’s all new, latest computer controlled what’s it! Oh look, it looks just like it does in the catalogue.’

‘What’s the yellow, hazard, electric, nuclear sign thing on the door for?’

‘Oh, just there to keep the curious away. Well, everything looks to be in order. Seen enough?’

‘Expensive.’ She said as I locked-up.

‘It’ll last well beyond my lifetime.’

‘Depends how fast you intend to age. I need to keep you on your toes. Let’s go back another way, where it’s more secluded.’

Uncle and I took our pre-meet at the veranda bar as usual. He opened with; ‘You look flushed.’

‘Tight schedule today, scratch lunch.’

How’s Charlotte?’

‘Fine. She’s here about, somewhere.’

‘Never stops, eh?’

‘She has projects of her own.’

‘Rather putting you in the shade these days.’

‘I’m a contented consort. How’s Julia?’

‘Your aunt is worried about me, damn near stopped me driving here today.’ Then, after a pause; ‘I’m not so old, all things considered, a man’s as young as he feels.’

‘What’s happened?’

‘You know perfectly well. Look, I concede Mrs Gregson is happier now their cottage is done and hence Gregson goes about his business more contentedly, which makes all our lives easier. And, the brickworks, well I’d probably never have got around to it. You force the pace, fine. I know I’m slow, but I’m not incapable.’

‘Pace yourself.’

‘Quite. But why this separate company though, A & C Restorations?’

‘Well, it’s just Charlie and I, quite separate from the Trust. Therefore, in the fullness of time, A & C can merge with Checkley, or Checkley take it over. Maybe one just subsidises the other, but the point is, neither will be subsumed by the Trust. Over time my influence over them is bound to wane.’

‘I see, and ultimately the Park might be more secure too.’

‘Indeed.’

‘Anyway, you’ll be with us within the week, we can talk more then. The two of you are going to be busy, there’s much to be done.’

‘Ah! Small fly in the ointment. Charlie’s parents will be roaming the county looking for a retirement property, we may have to take some time out.’

‘Damn!’

As we left the bar via the lounge, Ada Armitage could be seen deep in conversation with none other than Brinkley. I froze on the spot. Then I remembered the two had met over the matter of the railway station which never had trains. Larry looked distinctly sheepish as we approached their table.

‘Good afternoon young man.’ Ada said with a glint in her eye; ‘I’ve just been asking Lawrence, I may call you that, may I?’

‘Of course, dear lady.’

‘I was just asking Lawrence what he thought my shares might be worth, I shan’t break a confidence by telling you his reply, but I wonder what you think they’re worth Anthony?’

I was acutely aware of uncle’s presence beside me and Brinkley, glaring; ‘Whatever a worthy recipient is prepared to pay.’ It was the best I could come up with on the spur of the moment.

‘Most gallant.’ She replied.

‘We’re in the club committee room when you’re done.’

The business of the meeting seemed to take an age. Uncle took the chair as usual. I reported on the water pipe, the pumping station and the cost. I offered my view on the loan, the period of extension for repayments and a reasonable interest rate that the Park could afford, and I hoped the Trust would approve. Uncle looked pleased, Brinkley bristled. Lawrence then let off steam by outlining the discipline that the responsible staff must show in their accounting methods.

He then surprised us all saying; ‘Finally, changing the subject entirely, I’d like to take the opportunity of informing the board that the Arlington Trust has had a letter from our, other university.’ He then produced said item and began to read aloud; ‘From the “Faculty of Agriculture and Rural Sustainability, Floor Ten, Drake’s Tower, City Campus”. It’s from the “Placements and Apprenticeships Officer” of the “School of Horticulture”, which as we all know is actually located at the opposite end of the county, but they are of course looking to place students, I’m about to send out copies to all parts of the Trust, but I thought I’d just let you know...’

‘Well, I’ll be damned! The lad’s even better organised than I’d imagined. I’ll draft the reply thank you Brinkley.’

125: The enemy within

All was not well from the off. As Charlie drew to a halt at the rear of Checkley Manor, uncle could be seen sitting on the bench seat outside the back door. He was attempting to smoke his pipe, something I’d not seen him do in many a year. ‘You find us in a state of chaos.’ He declared, with a cough. ‘That couple will be the death of me.’ Cough, wheeze. ‘Why I ever listened to you in the first place I’ll never know, I must be losing the plot. If you’d been here when you should have been, messing around with politics...’

‘Uncle! What on earth has happened?’

‘We were promised two weeks, three at the outside, so far it’s been almost a month!’

‘Do I take it the Gregson’s are still living-in?’

‘You do.’

‘Well, we’ll leave you in peace then, go and say hello to Julia.’

We discovered Aunt Julia in the library, doing a rare impression of uncle, hands behind her back, pawing the rug of the hearth in front of the non-existent fire. ‘Be seated the two of you. I’m afraid you find me in temporary command, my beloved having deserted the field of fire.’

‘Yes, we’ve already exchanged words at the back door.’

‘How did he seem?’

‘Disconsolate.’

‘Self-pitying more like. Now listen-up. Your task these holidays Tony, is not to keep your uncle absorbed in purposeful activity as before, but to keep Gregson away from him. And hopefully offer what assistance you can in facilitating their removal, ASAP, back to their rightful residence.’

‘I see.’

‘Whilst Charlotte will place herself between myself and Mrs Gregson. Any questions?’

‘Yes, what the hell has been going on?’

‘Evening Mr Gregson.’

‘Oh, thank goodness you’re here, sir.’

‘Are you free to talk?’

‘Yes, if you'd care to walk with me, I'm off to inspect today’s progress at the cottage.’

‘Things have been taking longer than expected I gather?’ I said, as we moved off.

‘Putting a bit of a strain on relations with his lordship I’m afraid, sir.’

‘Well, I’ll do what I can to smooth things over. So, the builders not pulling their fingers out?’

‘Oh no, sir. They’ve been very thorough, here every day when they have the materials. It’s the supply chain that’s the problem, demand for the most dependable gas heating parts has been very high, all the stuff that makes your system more robust, prepping for the row over heat pumps, which I’m assured couldn’t even keep the damp out of an old property like ours, located as we are next to the river. The supporting masonry is solid stone, only the back wall, the more modern extension has an insulated cavity now, and of course the roof, now has several layers of the whatever too. But even with double glazing throughout, you need heating with poke.’

‘Quite.’

When we arrived at the cottage, there was an old fashion hand written note left by the builders on the kitchen table. It read; ‘Will test heating tomorrow, if all’s well will leave on background, proceed with internal paintwork, five days approx. Advise further two days for further drying out before you return.’

‘That’s rather nice, to receive a hand written note, and legible too!’

‘Indeed, sir.’

‘How will the delay affect the bill?’

‘Hardly at all, the man hours have been more or less as expected, as I say supply chain issues, these lads always have other jobs to go to.’ Then he gave me a bit of a tour of the cottage.

‘Mrs Gregson will appreciate the changes.’

‘Oh, indeed, sir.’

‘How is her health?’

‘It will improve now. She’s become very much an inside person.’

Then we moved out onto the decking of the patio and took the walkway down to the little river jetty. ‘It would be nice to see fish back in the river.’ I spoke.

‘His lordship has been frustrated over acquiring the old brickworks. This A & C Restorations have plans of their own apparently.’

‘I know. Clean up the site, then half a dozen residential properties with river frontage and a generous half a field behind for a horse or two. The new railway company have already dredged around their quay at the old naval port and are looking to take on work further up river, provided the environment agency can be persuaded they don’t have a monopoly on wisdom when it comes to climate measures.’

‘You seem a lot better informed than we are?’

‘Well, fingers in pies Mr Gregson.’

Then we started our walk back to the house. ‘Looking back, I suppose relations with his lordship began to go downhill after all that business with the vines.’ Reflected Gregson.

‘Well, I feel much the same way, I found that offering help tended to fall on deaf ears, in the end I just went ahead and did things uninvited. He wasn’t displeased, he could see the sense in them, he just seemed more annoyed with himself for not being at the top of his game. He doesn’t seem to have grown into, growing old. I hope I learn not to look a gift horse in the what’s it! What’s for supper, I wonder?’

‘Pie, peas and new potatoes. Followed by a plumb sponge for dessert, the wife assures me.’

‘Oh, excellent!’

Nobody said much at the meal. Gregson saved his good news on the cottage until we were passing around the custard. I got approving glances from both Julia and Uncle, they must have assumed I’d been working my magic touch, I said nothing to disabuse them. Despite the fact we’d all been offered Mrs Gregson’s traditional English rural fare; I noticed everyone had cleared their plates!

The vines in the walled garden had been much neglected. I set-to, to try and catch-up a bit. But it wasn’t long before I was interrupted; ‘Why aren’t you keeping my beloved out of Gregson’s way?’ Said a stern voice behind me.

‘In case you hadn’t noticed Julia, both Uncle and Gregson are doing a perfectly good job of keeping out of each other’s way without my assistance. Besides there’s much to be done here.’

‘I see. Now then, since we’re alone. A is for Anthony and C is for Charlotte.’

‘I beg your pardon?’

‘Not like you to use such a simple nom de plume.’

‘Ah! Well, it is just a temporary measure.’

‘Enough to fool your uncle, you mean.’

‘He doesn’t have a suspicious mind like you. One has to try to do good by stealth where he is concerned. It’s just me doing what he always wanted, but with a bit of get up and go. Sometimes the best person for the job just has to step up and get on with it. I’ll hand it all over when it’s done.’

‘But at what price?’

‘The only price, will be greater influence.’

I found Charlie chopping wood. Stripped to sports bra, yoga pants and with her baseball cap serving as a sweet band, squirrel flowing out the back, she made an impressive site. ‘How’s it going?’ I enquired.

‘I’m catching up, slowly. Beatrice’s diet takes some working off.’

‘Beatrice? Who she?’

‘Mrs Gregson, idiot.’

‘I see. This has all been a bit of a storm in a tea cup.’

‘What?’

‘Uncle in a panic. Feeling the grip of the grim reaper’s icy touch no doubt, the whiff of existential despair.’

‘Well, you said it. We’ll need to get back to a strict regime of diet and exercise when we get home.’

‘Oh my God.’ I said, as another log split neatly with a single blow and fell to the ground.

109: The last peasant

‘We had a visit from the King a few days ago. Sat where you are now.’

‘Good lord!’ It was the only response I could think of.

‘Yes. In the west country tidying up loose ends regarding the Duchy, saying his last goodbyes, dropped by for an hour or so.’ Uncle was displaying his usual nervous tick of standing warming himself with his back to a non-existent fire. ‘Talked a lot about organics and the eastern European connection, doesn’t think he’ll be able to get out there again. Curious to know how we were getting on. Complementary about the wine.’

‘Really.’

‘Asked about progress on restoring the Park. Said the Prince had given him a favourable report.’

‘Well, that’s good.’

‘Asked my opinion of you, somewhat took me aback.’

‘My word.’

‘Hadn’t quite grasped that the couple he’d heard the Prince speak of, were the same people he’d met at Mackintosh’s place. Naturally I reminded him Charlotte had been honoured by the late Queen.’

‘I see.’

‘Fact is, he wanted an insider’s view, been hearing about your railway plans. Some sit down chat after a Privy Council meeting or some such. Wasn’t too sure what he was driving at to be honest. Said he didn’t want anything in the past to mess up the new stewardship of the Duchy. Quite a steam enthusiast it turns out. Anyway, some talk of an order in council, idea of that chum of yours, the one with the specs. So, I did the decent thing.’

‘The decent thing?’

‘Gave you a clean bill of health, said your Trust was altogether Green and that you were quite paternalistic towards the Park.’

‘Er, thank you.’

‘And er, he quite appreciates the inheritance problem, sands of time and all that. Well, better join the ladies I suppose.’

‘I've been telling Tony about our visit from the King.’

‘You might have waited so dear Charlotte could hear it!’

‘Boy’s talk.’

‘Do we accept that kind of thing anymore?’ Julia addressed the four of us reinstalled in the big kitchen.

‘When it’s a “need to know” thing, I’ve learned I’m often better off, well out of it.’ Offered Charlie.

‘I take the point, but consider it a reprimand Reggie.’

‘Very well, my dear. You still perusing your print edition?’

‘Just showing, the spread about the railway plans. I’m sure our readers are loving the pictures, but may find the plans alarming.’

‘Still, an exclusive, exclusive. Good for sales.’ I asserted.

‘You’ve got Gregson confused Tony. He sees you as the heir apparent, worried you’ll be distracted from country affairs by the railway. Not that it’s any of his business, he’ll be retiring in a few years.’ She continued.

‘Got to watch yourself with Gregson, never sure he’s on board with organics, more concerned with commercial farming, which is ironic really, more your grab whatever subsidies are going type.’ Added Uncle.

‘Well, I’m sure I’ll catch-up whilst we’re here.’

About twenty minutes later something truly alarming occurred. Julia placed before us what can only be described as a large bowl of assorted fruits.

‘Fruit! Just fruit? No pudding?’ I exclaimed.

‘We must all be mindful of our health.’ She said by way of explanation.

‘Charlotte’s opening our minds to sensible eating.’ Mused Uncle. ‘I’d have thought you’d be used to it. It’s what you get at home isn’t it?’

‘But I’m on holiday. Checkley is holidays. Sponge puddings, crumbles, it’s my reason for being here!’

‘Oh, grow up. Stupid boy!’ Declared Julia.

It was a few days before I got around to Gregson, I found him sat at his desk in the estate office watching YouTube! ‘Haven’t you got work to go to?’

‘Oh, hello, sir. I’m rather afraid it is work. Take a look at this. This, would you believe is a driverless tractor towing the latest laser sprayer. It, spraying from about a foot away, only sprays what actually needs spraying. The reduction in spray is colossal, and given the tractor is on cruise control for maximum fuel efficiency... I’m gobsmacked, sir.’

‘Wouldn’t work for wheat or barley I should think, too densely packed and variable even for that machine.’

‘You may be right, sir.’

‘And what will they cost to rent?’

‘Who knows! Hopefully I won’t be around to see it.’

‘You’re not unwell, are you?’

‘Oh no, sir. It’s just the wife and I have been trying to make our retirement plans.’

‘The tractor in this demo is not electric then?’

‘No, but it’s only a matter of time I suppose. I’m old enough to remember the start of it all. The wife and I used to enjoy Tomorrow’s World. Fifty years ago, that would be. They showed solar panels, wind turbines, oh and wave power, a barrage across the Severn to catch the tide. Of course, none of them has actually paid for themselves yet. And we’re all still waiting for our personal helicopters.’

‘Quite.’

‘Back then people just said the country, before townies invented the countryside.’

‘So, what are your retirement plans?’

‘Well, we were hoping to stay at the cottage, but I’ve not had the opportunity to discuss it with his lordship yet.’

‘I should try and get it all in writing as soon as possible, just in case either Julia or I suffer a blow to the head!’

‘It’s difficult sir, obviously my pension will be lower than my salary, and we pay a peppercorn rent as it is.’

‘What’s the state of the property?’

‘Well, that’s another thing, in need of urgent attention I’d say, I rather suspect your uncle is assuming we’d want to move on and would get all the work done when it was empty.’

‘There is other vacant property on the estate that could provide temporary accommodation, not to mention within here, for yourselves or the new manager when the time comes.’

‘We wouldn’t mind that for a few weeks. But if we were forced off the estate we’d be at the mercy of the local authorities.’

‘Anyway, I’m pretty sure you need to get everything tied down and watertight whilst you still have, not only your employee status but your official position as farm manager, I’ll say no more.’ He looked a little confused; ‘Think it through!’ I added, with a grin, as I moved away.

Sometime later, as we were coming to the end of our summer sojourn, I found myself taking an evening stroll with Uncle. ‘You’ll be back to help with the vines?’

‘Of course. The best will be ready earlier this year, keep a watchful eye. In fact, you might think of picking twice, two pressings.’

‘But surely with the warmth we’ll do well anyway?’

‘Yes, but the walled garden is so well protected, and drained, you could push it a bit, really go for it. Ride out any storms.’

‘We’ll see.’

We came back by the river and as we were passing the Gregson’s home I said; ‘When are you planning on doing the restoration work on the cottage?’

‘When they’re out and it’s empty.’

‘It might pay you to get started right away.’

‘How so?’

‘The Gregsons want to stay on at the cottage after retirement. And what’s more, be able to afford to live in reasonable comfort.’

‘Damn! I had plans. It’s so close on the river, I thought of a wooden patio out the back, leading down to a pontoon thingy for fishing.’

‘But no one is interested in fishing, the river isn’t clean enough, according to Charlie.’

‘I know, but I thought if I could acquire the land upstream, the old abandoned brickworks, one could clean-up the river. The place may look green now, but it is a brown field site.’

‘Well, that might stop the river getting worse, but you’d have to start dredging from wherever downstream, possibly all the way from the old naval port. It used to be navigable for quite substantial river barges as far as the works.’

‘Ah, well. Such is life. And now you tell me Gregson is going to be a pain about things.’

‘Not to you personally, not necessarily. You know, you can’t sack him because he is competent, you can’t make him redundant because his work is essential. He can hang around for almost another three years. Now, if the cottage is properly part of the farm business, necessary worker accommodation, then he, as head of it all, is legally responsible. If repairs have become say, urgent on health and safety grounds, well, I mean, easy enough to lose a hundred grand in the accounts, spread over a couple of years that is, as you say he’s the man for subsidies, grants, tax breaks...’

‘All the same, he’d be sticking his nose in our affairs till his dying day.’

‘Maybe. Who owns the brickworks now?’

‘Some shell company or whatever, subsidiary of a subsidiary, goes by the name of A & C Restorations.’

‘Oh, well, good luck with that then!’

91: The sun always rises

‘If tweed is for the country, and you always wear it at Checkley, why do you never wear it at the Park, which is just as much the country?’

‘At the club, I never wear tweed at the club, but I do occasionally wear it around the Park.’

‘That doesn’t answer my question!’

‘The club is, in essence, the town, in spirit.’

‘Very good, sir. I’ll lay out our clothes for the summer hols.’

It was the day of our departure for Checkley Manor. We were a few minutes from leaving when the inevitable finally happened. And it was I, who happened to be closest to the front door.

‘Anthony Arlington, I presume.’ Said the man at the door.

‘Who wants to know?’

‘I’ve been on the road for four hours; I’m not playing games. Is my daughter here?’

‘Ah! So, you’re claiming to be Charles Sparkwell, barrister at law?’

‘The very same. I’m not here for an argument, I just need to speak to Charlotte as a matter of urgency.’

‘Well, you’d better come in then. Do go on through to the reception room.’

He paused, somewhat abruptly, when he saw our cover stories from The Beacon; ‘You actually celebrate my daughter’s appearance in the public prints?’

‘Oh, indeed. A great source of pride.’

‘But it’s the country’s most notorious tabloid!’

‘It also has the largest circulation of any paper and their executive editor is a big fan of Charlie, do come on through.’

As soon as Sparkwell senior was seated and I’d taken my usual seat, I said; ‘When last seen, Charlotte was closing off the upper part of the house, we’re due to leave for our summer holidays within the hour. No doubt she’ll join us in a moment.’

‘Aren’t you going to call her?’

‘No, I generally find she appears when required. When she does, I’ll leave you alone to talk.’

‘Stay where you are Tony, I’d be glad of a witness.’ As anticipated, she’d clearly been skulking; ‘You almost missed us; we’ll be gone in minutes. You should have messaged.’

‘I’ll come straight to the point then. Your mother is dying.’

‘What! What of?’

‘Nobody knows, the medical authorities are at a total loss.’

‘Then how do you know she’s dying?’

‘Very well, she believes her time has come. She’s in distress and says she wishes to see you one last time. It’s all very upsetting. You may be able to calm her.’

‘Does she look ill?’

‘Well, she’s not been sleeping well, slow to rise, somewhat listless whilst going about her household chores.’

‘Well, we’re on a schedule. What do you think Tony?’

‘Checkley Manor is kind of en route, you could deliver me there, offer your apologies to uncle and auntie, then proceed up country later today.’

‘Excellent idea.’

‘But I have my car outside.’

‘Father, I simply refuse to be a passenger in your car, you’re not the greatest of drivers at the best of times. You can tell mother I’ll be along as soon as I can.’

‘Very well.’

‘That was a bit of a shock!’ So said Charlie as we observed her father drive away.

‘Let’s get out of here, we can talk on the way.’

‘Okay.’

‘Go to the mews, work the switch with the cars. You’ll be safer in number one car should you become distracted. I’ll lock the back gate behind you.’

‘Thank goodness you were here. There’s a load of stuff I ought to tell you.’

‘If I had to bet, I’ll be back within forty-eight hours. Still, I’ll phone mother from Checkley, try and assess a bit. They wind each other up, but they always calm down when I’m there. That’s the worst of it. I become the focus of attention, of concern, scapegoating as the therapists used to say. Now I’m doing well, they’re kind of lost. There’s more to this than meets the eye. Fact is, father married above himself, the house was a wedding present from Mum’s family. She made a Will, years ago, leaving what she had to me. She said at the time, it’s not much, just her building society account. She always claimed father could fend for himself. Henry Walpole is right about father, he always went for the money briefs. But I don’t know, and this never occurred to me until I got to know you, and your way of thinking, I wonder if the house isn’t in Mum’s name and he knows it.’

‘Oh, right. Does your father read The Times?’

‘Yes, why?’

‘Well, I think they still print the complete honours list, don’t they?’

‘Oh, God!’

‘Since the award is coming from our community your mother may think she’s lost you for good. No, perhaps that’s over the top. Pointless speculating with so little information.’

‘Oh, I don’t know. When father got keen about my marriage prospects, the thought occurred to me he was thinking of his own future financial wellbeing.’

‘Ha! No, best change the subject.’

Uncle was meek, and mild, when Charlotte explained her predicament. He merely suggested she should eat something and rest up a while. She said she’d phone her mother first. When she joined us again, she declared; ‘Well that’s as clear as mud!’ We all looked up expectantly. ‘She just sounded her usual self, but said she felt like she was at death’s door. I told her father was returning, and I’d be along later, she just replied, “bless you, darling”. You can’t tell sod all. What would you do Tony?’

‘God knows! You could just treat them both as if they were clients coming to you for a treatment. Though I suppose that’s easier said than done.’

‘I’ll sort myself out, then be gone.’

Later that day, uncle called me into the library; ‘Now, sit down young man, I’ve news for you. Might as well tell you whilst Charlotte’s not here, I’ve left all my worldly goods to your aunt. Now what do you make of that?’

‘Sounds like a perfectly rational thing to do.’

‘Which means, in the fullness of time, you’ll cop for the lot.’

‘Yes, but that’s not the beginning and end of it all, is it? I mean, if you drop dead fairly soon, Julia could have quite a long stewardship. I might only inherit at the very end of my life.’

‘Nothing to stop you making useful suggestions, spend as much time here as you like. Charlotte too. You’ve not made a new Will then? Since she came on the scene I mean?’

‘No. Everything goes to the Trust as before, but we have new green terms of reference for what would, is, now more or less, an entirely charitable concern. I don’t need to be worried about Charlie because she is tied to the Trust, she wouldn’t go unsupported if I dropped off the twig. Besides, she’s accumulating savings of her own now. Tell me, does death come in to everything after the age of fifty? Seems to me half my life is tied-up with other people’s Wills!’

‘My dear fellow, had you been born into the landed aristocracy, you’d have found your entire life, from cradle to grave, had been mapped out by the inheritance of previous generations.’

On the second morning, as I was piling a goodly helping of the Checkley plum preserve onto my breakfast toast, I looked up to see Julia giving me a suspicious look. ‘What?’

‘You did that yesterday too.’ She remarked.

‘Well, when the cat’s away. Excellent jam, you’ve not lost your touch.’

‘Don’t thank me, thank Mrs Gregson, I had help.’

My device pinged; ‘It looks like she was right. Forty-eight hours she said. Says she’s leaving now.’

‘Of course, she’s right. She’s always right.’ Said Julia.

‘I beg your pardon! What can you mean?’

‘Well, everyone ends up doing the right thing when she’s around, even you.’

‘Ends-up?’

‘Yes, you start off with some pretty dubious scheme, but by the end of it, it comes right, because of her.’

‘Umm. “Sparkwell, will see you right!” I could market that.’

‘Fatuous, that’s your problem. Have you ever heard Charlotte make a fatuous remark?’

‘Not in public, I suppose.’

‘Well, there you are then.’

I was in the walled garden when Charlie appeared. She stood a moment, looking around. ‘All right?’ I enquired.

‘Yes. By last night they seemed their normal selves, so... You, me, this, the Park, the Villa, it’s so much more real. Mother complimented me on being well dressed, that was a first!’

‘The world is back on it’s right axis then.’

‘Where the sun always rises.’

End of season seven.

81: The fall and rise

Good Friday found us at Checkley Manor as usual. ‘Does anyone remember the old-style fun fairs?’ I said to the kitchen table at large. ‘How they always had a shooting gallery, you could shoot down figures one at a time in a long line...’

‘And!’ Said Uncle.

‘Buffy’s happy few, his band of brothers are falling at an ever-increasing rate. And yet, new figures keep appearing as if by magic.’

‘Are you going to do anything about Tuffy’s attempt to blackball him from the club?’ Asked Charlie.

‘Ah, thank you for reminding me.’

Later, when alone in the grounds I put in a call to Cat. ‘Er, actually old man, Tuffy’s complaint is in the pending tray for the time being; fact is, Buffy’s membership is currently lapsed.’

‘Explain.’

‘Well, you know how membership renewal depends on the receipt of fees and the clearing of your account, well Buffy has stood a lot of bar bills in the last year, he’s been sent a reminder and all that, but he has slipped over the renewal date.’

‘I see. I think I might just drop a hint to Carrie.’

‘Might be as well, apparently, they’ll be at the cottage this weekend, bit embarrassing if she has to sign him in! Also, you might care to explain to Tuffy that under our rulebook you can only expel someone for behaviour whilst at the club, and that doesn’t include when the premises are being used for other purposes.’

‘Cat?’

‘Tony, old son.’

‘You couldn’t do me a quick favour, check bookings for the ballroom and if it’s free on Easter Monday, book it out to me for the whole day.’

‘Carrie!’

‘Ah, Tony. The voice of sanity.’

‘Bless you. Er, sorry to do this, bit embarrassing really...’

‘I doubt it, not when viewed from Downing Street.’

‘Yes, quite, the fact is, Buffy’s membership of the club has lapsed, failure to pay fees and settle his account.’

‘Shit! I told him, when I renewed. Hang on.’

For once she forgot to press mute; ‘I’m not bloody made of money! Tell him the cheque is in the post.’

‘Is it?’

‘Yes!’

‘Will it bounce?’

Then, after a long pause; ‘Tony?’

‘Carrie.’

‘He says there is a cheque in the post.’

‘Tell him, if he plans on visiting, make it Monday, but you may have to sign him in if the money hasn’t arrived.’

‘Very well, and Tony, I haven’t forgotten you were the one who persuaded me to return to the blighter.’

‘Running out on us again!’ So said Uncle when I announced our intention of leaving a few hours early.

‘Well only by half a day.’

‘All the same, what progress in the vines?’

‘I’ve brought you up to date with the pruning and tying.’

‘And what moves in the woods Charlotte?’

‘Your new eastern European hiring is a lot further on with the charcoal burners, than he is with his comprehension of English!’

On arrival at the Park, I took a direct line to the office, there to commune with the club secretary. ‘The ballroom is all yours, the PM’s debts got paid by money transfer late Friday, from some unrecognisable company account at a bank on Grand Cayman, and the man himself is working the room, the lounge that is, at this very moment.’

‘Excellent!’ I replied, exiting immediately towards the veranda bar, that being the best vantage point from which to observe Buffy’s progress. Much to my surprise, I found Bernard and Brinkley propping up the bar, in the company of Henry Walpole no less. ‘I say, what ho, Walpole! You know it’s a complete waste of time touting for briefs from Bernard, he likes to do his own advocacy.’

‘You forget Anthony, I’ve been put out to grass, by my wife.’

‘Yes of course, must be a bit of a wrench at times. And the two of you, a rare sighting indeed.’

‘Well, we are semi-retired Tony, Lawrence and I are entitled to our occasional indulgences. And as Walpole was saying, it’s always worth taking a look at the locus in quo.’

‘Something my old pupil master used to say.’

‘You should be swapping old anecdotes about Sparkwell QC, Charlotte’s daddy. Bernard’s suffered at his hands too!’

‘What brings you here Tony?’ Asserted Bernard.

‘Oh, just on our way back from my uncle’s place.’

‘Here to keep an eye on our esteemed Prime Minister?’ Suggested Brinkley.

‘Yes, alright then. Talking of which, would you excuse me a moment?’

‘How are you Prime Minister?’

‘Ah! Anthony. Under savage pressure as it happens.’

‘Ah, yes. Playing the international statesman, the war leader in waiting. Must take it out of you, but goes down well with the voters no doubt.’

‘I trust you’re not here to gloat?’

‘By no means. Indeed, I’m here to offer you what I just know you will find an amusing diversion from the cost-of-living crisis.’

‘Oh, yes?’

‘A short commemorative video of your previous visits.’

‘What!’ A micro expression of alarm crossed his face.

‘If you and Carrie would care to step this way, I’ve arranged a little private viewing in the ballroom.’

I whispered to Charlie, to ask her former handler come mentor from the security detail to lock us in, from the outside, and after a moment or two’s chat, he did!

‘What’s going on? Where’s my protection gone?’

‘I thought the four of us might appreciate a little privacy.’

The large screen worked remarkably well, despite the variable quality of the images in Carry-On Prime Minister. It also benefited from a little program I’d acquired for the removal of layers of ambient noise from audio recordings. Our little half hour movie featured sequences all the way from Buffy’s first landing on what was now the eighteenth green, to his post-run Haka!

When it finally came to an end there was a long silence before Buffy spoke; ‘Now that, ladies and gentlemen, is how to deliver a threat. Notice how he saves your blushes Charlie; you’re just simply portrayed as the innocent waitress. The editing is outrageous, talk about hashtag - context collapse!’ He then buried his face in his hands for about a count of ten, before asserting; ‘So, who apart from us has seen this?’

‘Only my co-producer Barmy, and my co-owner the Earl.’

‘You sure about that?’

‘Oh, yes. And of course, it can stay that way.’

‘I can burn you, as much as you can burn me.’

‘Well, no not really.’

‘What?’

‘All I have to do is send a copy of this to the media. You on the other hand have had two and a half years to fatten your dossier on me, and got nowhere.’

‘You can’t possibly know that.’

‘True, but what I can know with one hundred percent certainty, is that I never do anything, only the Trust does things, and it was entirely reconstituted before the summit. You, are up against a legal brick wall.’

‘What do you want?’

‘Full implementation of the Flotterton Manifesto.’

‘What?’

‘Everything outlined in Rory’s speech.’

‘I know what you bloody meant! That speech you wrote for him was pure fantasy.’

‘I didn’t write a word. I admit I was present when Rory, relaxing in the lounge after a massage from Charlie, came up with his ideas whilst staring deep into the log fire. Besides it doesn’t have to be practical. It merely has to inspire, create the right direction of travel. Oh, and one other small thing. A safe seat for Frimley Coates. After all, in fifteen years or so, he’d be your natural successor.’

‘Aren’t you forgetting something Tony?’ Chipped in Carrie; ‘All the other people who have him by the short and curly what’s it’s!’

‘Am I Buffy?’

There was another pregnant pause, filled only by Charlie asking innocently; ‘How did all this arch enemy stuff start anyway?’

‘It all goes back to the Scripture Knowledge Prize. I noticed just the other day that you’d claimed to have won it, again.’

‘But I did!’

‘Over the heads of better men, by the most brazen swindling methods, “breath-taking impertinence” - weren’t those the headmaster’s words?’

‘Something of the sort, can’t say I remember precisely.’

‘No, they say psychopaths don’t remember pain. But what I do remember was that the Head went on to give a speech bemoaning the passing of corporal punishment, and his inability to tenderise your arse.’

Then Buffy began to laugh. A moment later he said, smiling; ‘Anthony, you are a one-man walking nudge unit.’

‘Well thank you, you’re too kind, Prime Minister.’

‘I don’t buy it.’ So said Charlie as we were crossing the carpark.

‘Just as well, cos’ it ain’t for sale!’

‘What went down back there? You had him on the rocks, yet he walked away with a spring in his step.’

‘I showed him a way out, not just from me, but from everyone else gunning for him. It’s the game Charlie, the motivation is in the thrill of getting away with it.’

77: Christmas and the blind tasting

As we drove towards the Park, on what might well prove a long Christmas Eve, Charlie was attempting to get her ducks in a row; ‘I realise how it works now.’

‘How what works?’

‘The Park, the club, the whole thing. You have what seems a modest role as chair of the dining committee, but when you add-on your various placemen, Cat on the membership committee, Barmy on finance, me at the spa. Then realise that all the action happens in the food and drink areas.’

‘But life is not made up of active or conscious conspiracies. For a start, people can’t keep secrets.’

‘What I still don’t understand is...’

‘As the innocent bystander said to the great detective!’

‘Just what do you hope to resolve with this blind tasting, if they can’t agree about what to order, this will just confirm that. What does it actually resolve?’

‘A little learning is a dangerous thing, as the poet said. Their problem, I suspect, is over confidence, they think they know wine.’

‘Oh, right. The novice knows he doesn’t know, so does the genuine expert, but the blokes in between.’

‘Right, and were a Master of Wine to walk into the room and tell everyone that quality is all a matter of personal taste, just order variety, they’d be disappointed and inclined to object. This test is the best I can do, to demonstrate they don’t know their own minds.’

‘Gentlemen, let me remind you of why we are all gathered here today. We are, alas, in dispute over what to reorder, so be it. We will proceed blind, in the scientific manner, and accept the biases of our own responses. Charlie, aided and abetted by bar steward Steppings here, has laid out the five most popular bottles from the cellar and the four we’ve bought in over the last twelve mouths, all have their labels covered and with a number assigned, each has a scale of approval on your answer sheets with optional comments section. All bottles were brought up yesterday so are at room temperature, the true measure of a wine. The spittoon is located in our special “expectoration corner” over there. Do not, I repeat do not swallow. Examine first the colour against the white table cloth or shirt cuff, inhale deeply the bouquet, taste, spit, pause and consider any aftertaste. Write it all down. Pencils with rubbers on their ends, are provided. All will be anonymous. Proceed gentleman.’ It was if I’d fired the starting pistol at the school sports. I began to circle the table, determined to exert a firm hand. ‘We are of course all, merely gentlemen, women have been scientifically tested and found to have a more sensitive sense of smell and taste. Slowly Tuffy, take your time.’

‘Remind me Tony, what are we looking for?’ Said someone.

‘Look at the depth of colour at the edge, a browning or rust like hue in a red is a reliable test of age, a more golden appearance in the whites.’

‘I’m getting a suggestion of autumn leaves.’ Said another.

‘With smell we’re looking for a remembrance of fruit, the distinct blackcurrant essence of a classic Bordeaux Red for example. Beware of nutty smells or tastes, suggestive of lower quality.’

There was much fevered activity for about fifteen minutes. Then they began to hesitate, amend their answers, and slowly come to a halt. I started collecting the paperwork before too many changed their minds or worse, realised they may have contradicted their previous publicly-stated preferences; ‘I’ll crunch these numbers over the holidays, the results will be posted on the notice board in the new year. Now, let us proceed to lunch.’

‘I think, that may be the most disgusting sight I’ve been forced to witness in a long time.’ Said Charlie as we moved to the dining area.

‘No one knows how to spit anymore.’

The first person we encountered was Julia; ‘Your Uncle has asked me to tell you, not to take offence at anything he says in his speech.’

‘Oh, righty ho!’

As in previous years, the Christmas lunch was principally a thank you, during which we observed the military tradition of officers serving other ranks. In our case, officials entertaining the paid staff. The climax was the Earl’s speech.

‘Once again it falls upon me to say a few words about the last twelve months. A year ago, my message had to be a digital one. Now, whilst the rest of the world wrestles with a new normal, we can proudly boast a return to, normal! Much of this has only been possible due to the efforts of my nephew Anthony in securing the summit meeting in the early summer, boosting our coffers whilst others were shut down. Equally, the ability to enjoy the club digitally has been much appreciated by all. At this very moment, members unable to attend in person, are able to watch me via the new security cameras we’ve all seen being installed. I also understand, that a virtual walk in the park, is currently in development. Our future plans also include an extension of the spa and the possible provision of a courtesy bus service between here and town. But however, a word of caution.’ Uncle hesitated slightly, I braced myself for whatever barbed comments might follow. ‘We live, alas, in an increasingly surveillance society. Remarkably, so far, this is not the imagined Orwellian nightmare, but we have each voluntarily agreed to carry upon our persons, the most sophisticated surveillance device ever conceived. Now it seems the geeks and nerds of the Web, rule. Anthony, I know is one of them. And he is, despite the restraining influence of Charlotte, somewhat prone at times to, overenthusiasm. Now I don’t know how many copies of Carry-On Prime Minister actually exist, a thirty-minute video of highlights from the Park’s security footage, covering the various visits of Buffy Trumpton - I think my favourite moment is his shadow-fencing using the antique toasting fork during the summit. However; I trust the only copies are those lodged in the hard drives of our and Anthony’s computers. But nonetheless, let us never forget, the Queen in parliament is sovereign. A loyal toast then, to Her Majesty and the late Duke, may he rest in peace.’

I was feeling less than one hundred per cent, as Charlie drove us through the winter evening towards Checkley and another Christmas lunch in less than twenty-four hours. ‘You look a little pensive, is there anything to be worried about?’ She asked.

‘No, not really. Interesting solution to his problem.’

‘But it was no mistake, you backing it up to their machines?’

‘Yes. Legitimately acquired security footage, property of the Park and the club. Those who may be concerned, can now consider themselves informed, especially since his annual speech will remain archived within the club portal. But he was covering his own back.’

‘How so?’

‘Wait and see.’

Uncle and Julia could only have arrived home about thirty minutes before us, but we found them, relaxing in the library. ‘Merry Christmas, one and all,’ began Uncle, before outlining the annual delights he had in store for us. ‘However, this year we have an additional, special treat, something to fill the gap tomorrow between the Queen and the cake!’ What fresh hell is this I thought to myself? ‘I shall be hosting a wine tasting.’ Oh my god. ‘A chance to compare our own two thousand and eighteen, with the nineteen and the twenty. What do you think of that?’

‘I trust there will be an expectoration corner?’

‘Very well, if you think you’ll need one, let’s say the sink in the old pantry, tomorrow, three-thirty sharp.’

‘What did you think of my solution to your home movie problem?’

‘Covering your back by putting it in the public domain - just!’

‘Absolutely. I felt a slight unease when I viewed it first, couldn’t work out why for a while, then I realised it wasn’t our footage that was the problem. It struck me the aerial footage was remarkably good and could not have been obtained through normal media.’

‘Then you realised it was also the solution, if all those responsible were also club members.’

‘Quiet so. Brandy?’

‘No, no.’

‘You know Charlotte is quite sceptical about all your talk of Buffy being your arch enemy, she sees you cooperating with him, and wonders what all the fuss is about.’

‘That is because it is a mad situation, as in M.A.D, mutually assured destruction. We each have enough on the other, to guarantee that we both work together to avoid both of us going down with the ship.’

‘It’s your expert opinion we require Tony.’ So pronounced Uncle as we contemplated the bottles under question; ‘What to drink, and when?’

The room fell silent. I took the situation as seriously as I could, tasting all three in turn, then a second time. ‘I have no doubt your wine making gets better over time, but alas that’s not the point. You have a unique terroir. However, conditions vary from year to year. The two thousand and nineteen is the best and will improve, it should be set aside and left. The two thousand and twenty is okay, will improve slightly, okay to serve to impressionable guests. The two thousand and eighteen however, should be drunk now, it won’t improve, indeed I should move it to the coolest part of the cellar and store the bottles upright, in time this carbonisation will increase and it may pop it’s corks.’