64: The great bank heist (part one)

‘An invitation, sir.’ So said Charlie shoving the silver salver under my chin.

‘How do you know?’

‘I got an identical envelope.’

‘So, you’re standing there, waiting for me to open it, when you already know what’s inside.’

‘I wouldn’t want to spoil your enjoyment.’

‘I see. Oh look, who’d have thought, an invitation to attend upon the day that County Estates open their new branch.

‘Should be a laugh.’

‘Absolutely. We shall combine it with a visit to Bernard, I’ve got all of father’s Trust related documents sorted and ready to pass over. And, with your cooperation, we could have some fun viz-a-viz, the basement.’

‘Oh, yes?’

‘I’ll explain later. Meanwhile you might add these invitations to the growing collection above the fireplace in the reception room.’

‘I notice Mrs Hayward’s portrait remains unhung, with her face turned to the wall, sir.’

‘There are some things it’s better she doesn’t see.’

Arriving at the old bank, we paused to survey the properties on offer in the window display. Most, as one would expect, were for desirable rural homes plus a few farms. One stood out, shouted-out, its exceptionalism. ‘Melbury Buildings!’ Exclaimed Charlotte; ‘All I did was mention it in passing at the first online Owl meeting. You wouldn’t think a place like this would “soil their hands” with it.’

‘Ah, well that’s part of the deal; that business should trickle down from the top of the building to the bottom, then creep along the street to the new bank.’

‘Who was Melbury anyway?’

‘You’ve never heard tell of “One-coat” Melbury?’

‘Sartorially challenged, sir?’

‘Well, no doubt he was, on many occasions. But no, the sobriquet came from him having started-out as a jobbing builder. New residents would move in and discover his one concession to interior design was a single coat of whitewash.’

‘Whitewash?’

‘An early soluble paint, the emulsion that didn’t stick. You must have found yourself pressed-up against a few old barn walls in your time, only to discover later you were covered in white power.’

‘What an imagination you have. But he must have made it big in the end?’

‘One of the first to call himself a developer, became a councillor, chair of the Bay Council planning committee.’

‘Named the building after himself then?’

‘His vanity soon caught up with him. Took to cutting corners in a big way, went bankrupt. Then it emerged, he’d offered and taken backhanders, did time for it.’

‘Blimey.’

‘The gossip was that he liked to check-in to various B&Bs and Guest Houses all along the coast road, sign his name simply, Melbury, hoping to be taken for a Lord by gullible proprietors.’

‘How do you know all this?’

‘Well, I overheard odd things as a child, but he does appear in father’s office day books quite a bit, not the gossip as such, but the old man was clearly keeping an eye on this particular development years before the Trust actually acquired it.’

‘But if this Melbury had cut corners...’

‘Nerves of steel father, hung-on through the whole bankruptcy thing, the discovery building standards hadn’t been met. Arguments over obligations to tenants, government covering the cost of bringing it up to standard. The legal obligation to put it on the market, waiting through the lack of interest.’

‘So, in the end he gets it at his price.’

‘Precisely.’

‘I’m Thayer.’ Said the man who approached us as we entered the cut-above property emporium, speaking with a distinctly local accent, from north of the Moor if I had to guess.

‘Pleased to meet you. I say, pardon me for being so forward and all that, but I thought your lot all buggered off to Essex in the seventeenth century?’

‘We did, but we weren’t all convinced by the puritanism, neither did we want to build a new England, so we came home. I was told you was local, but didn’t sound it.’

‘Ah, well, the old school. Anyway, let me introduce to my PA, Charlotte Sparkwell. Do excuse the cardboard box, more work for Merriweather.’

‘Welcome to County Estates, Ms Sparkwell. Much more than a PA, if the press is to be believed.’

‘Greatly exaggerated, sir.’

Then we were interrupted; ‘Tony! Ms Sparkwell.’

‘Charlie has a present for you Bernard.’

‘Good Lord!’

‘The gap in the Trust archive has been closed, and is indeed intriguing.’

‘Excellent, Lawrence will be exited.’

‘They are the original documents, I’ve scanned those I’ll want to look at again, I think we need to make this a bit formal, demand a receipt and all that.’

‘My goodness, I’ll ring upstairs, we can creep up the back staircase, once you’ve had a good look around.’

‘Talking of which, what’s the current situation with the basement?’

‘I’ve no idea. Haven’t been down there since the reinforcements for the lift shaft were done. Dusty and a lot of rubble I should imagine.’

‘Are the doors still locked?’

‘Doors? Plural? Tony, you’ve had access to this place a lot longer than Lawrence or I!’

‘Yes, but I don’t hold any keys.’

‘Ah. Point taken. What’s the sudden interest in our nether regions?’

‘It’s in the box, if you can read between the lines. A search for any and all keys please.’

‘Very well, this may be altogether too much for Lawrence, he may need to take one of his power naps.’

To cut a long story short, I managed to cause a good hour’s disquiet on the two floors above whilst we enjoyed snacks, nibbles and a glass of something, all the time interrogating Thayer about the top-end property market throughout the county. Bernard looked quite flushed when he finally returned. ‘This is your receipt, this is the key for the basement that’s kept at reception for whenever the lift engineer turns up, and that, is the ever-expanding collection of unidentifiable-s!’

‘Excellent, shall we proceed?’

‘Can anyone come along?’ Asked Thayer.

‘The more the merrier.’ I replied.

The lighting was better than I remembered, updated when the lift was seen to no doubt. I pointed out to my companions, the scars on the walls and floor. ‘Once upon a time there was a cage, with a locked gate, with the strongboxes and safe inside. Now, that should be it.’ I kicked aside various collapsed old packaging and debris.

‘Should be what?’ Asked Bernard.

‘The original safe of the old bank.’

‘Doesn’t look anything like a safe.’

‘Top loaded, like an old washing machine, there you go, two keyholes.’

‘Good lord! Well, we sure as hell haven’t got keys here for anything like that!’

‘You were lying.’

‘Well...’

‘You spent the whole time watching the rest of us, you knew the layout, the fact it was used as a safe room. You’ve already got the keys.’

‘It was question of flushing Bernard out onto open ground. I needed to know what he already knew. He, will wait for Brinkley to go through the documents with his accountant’s eye for misplaced details. Eventually the two of them will realise there is a story, and that some of the documents are missing, but of course they can’t demand them. As for the keys, it’s not a question of getting the right ones, but whether they will turn the locks which haven’t moved for at least sixty, possibly a hundred years!’

‘Well?’

‘Well, what?’

‘What do you expect to find inside?’

‘I don’t expect anything. Now, time for an unannounced visit to Cat Mackintosh.’

‘Don’t tell me, he has safecracker on his CV along with everything else.’

‘Not quite, but he will know about cleaning, lubrication, rust removal etc. I’m also expecting to get his situation report on the state of the Park, post Summit.’

‘Oh, yes?’

‘I asked him to do a sweep, for any bugs left behind by the conference dwellers.’

‘Foreign spies, disguised as diplomats?’

'Oh no, I’m much more concerned about our own side.’

60: Charlie, diplomat

At what point it dawned on individual conference participants that there would be no grand dining, and that like Victorian children they would have to make do with high tea every evening, was difficult to tell. Indeed, should they require anything approaching a supper, this would need to be negotiated in advance with Charlie, the food itself having to be set aside from tea, and stored in the small fridge behind the bar. However, at tea on the second day, in what appeared a coordinated manoeuvre, both Germany and the US stepped down from the table, and took their full plates to sit, fireside.

‘How are you finding the English at home, Mr President?’

‘I’m Irish myself.’

I immediately told Barmy to listen-up, there being such an easy play at this point, one that could kill such potential cosiness at a stroke, Buffy was bound to use it.

‘In Germany we do not have this obsession with family history.’

‘Of course.’

‘There is only one small class of people who do, families whose ancestors were involved in unification in the nineteenth century or pioneers in industrial development.’

‘Don’t tell me, they just happened to be related to all the aristocratic princelings or whatever.’

‘Precisely so.’

I managed to get a split screen for Barmy, Charlie piling crumpets onto a large plate, whilst Buffy stood by, anxiously thrusting and parrying at an imaginary foe with the toasting fork. Charlie then followed Buffy, back into the combat zone.

Squatting between them, focusing on the fire, Buffy opening with; ‘The Irish have always, until recently, had the advantage over us when it comes to genealogy, impeccable hard-copy records, a mass of leather-bound indexes, they’ll even give you the port of exit. There’s not a street in England that doesn’t have personal connections to the whole of the island of Ireland, and Scotland and Wales, even those now filled with recent migrants from the Commonwealth. I understand some family history buffs are already on your case Mr President, they can place your lot in Sussex for generations. And there’s not a village in Ireland without some English blood. I don’t know if either of you have had one of those genetic tests for ancestry? The more reputable firms give their answers as ninety-four per cent or whatever, British stroke Irish, not because they can’t tell, but because there is no difference. Break it all down further, one day they’ll just say Atlantic fringe, not Celtic fringe, all the way from the Baltic to the Pyrenees. Everyone else is just northern European, even St. Patrick himself, made his way up the east coast of England in the footsteps of others, before Scotland, before Ireland, before spreading the good word to the western half of England.’

By now, the whole room appeared to have fallen silent.

‘We are Ireland’s largest trading partner, and most of the rest comes through English ports, en-route. What with Brexit and the pandemic, they’ll come a time when Ireland can’t afford its dues to the EU, you may well chuck them out, if you’re still around. We’ve never left Ireland, we never shall. We’ve just had the one hundredth anniversary of the borderless border with the six counties, next year sees the anniversary of the creation of the Irish Free State. Dublin, once known as the first city of the empire, will get whatever it needs. Everyone is looking forward to the publication of the digitised nineteen twenty-one census later this year, comparable with the existing nineteen eleven. That’s going to put to bed the missing pieces of the Great War, the flu pandemic, oh, and the Irish Risings too. Now if all that doesn’t terrify you, it should, unless you feel you have the stomach for the fight. Crumpets anyone? I believe it’s Irish butter today, Sparkwell?’

‘Yes, fully-salted, Prime Minister.’

After a long pause, the US President broke the silence; ‘You’re fast Buffy, I’ll give you that, not as slick as “flash Dave”, but maybe that’s just as well.’

Later, once Charlie had prepared the Games Room, Buffy gathered them all in the hallway. ‘You’d better give us all a briefing Sparkwell - she often serves as referee on these occasions, plus offering physio to the injured, naturally.’

‘Very good, sir. No alcohol and no betting permitted. Participants may only leave the room between completed games. Four games are available, firstly the Pool Table, no explanation required, secondly Darts, fear not, the automatic scorer will register any dart that stays on the board, set to 501. VR, the permitted zone is clearly taped on the floor, headsets currently allow duelling with sabres or single-shot pistols, the flight simulator, currently offers Spitfire Mark II or Messerschmitt 109, daylight runway, nearest thing to east coast England as we could make it. Referee’s decision is final. Good luck everyone.’

South Korea, narrowly beat Japan to the flight simulator. Turning on his heals Japan immediately made a grab for one of the headsets and promptly challenged the rest of the world to a duel with swords, Australia was the first to step forward. The US suggested to Canada they should partner for Pool, France and Italy reluctantly joined them. Meanwhile Buffy, began practicing throwing darts, before offering to teach the remainders.

‘Always aim for the treble twenty, no matter what the outcome, eventually it’ll come down to singles to finish, by which time you won’t care and magically hit what you need...’ It never ceased to amaze me how even the most politically experienced seemed to find it impossible to see beyond the smokescreen of blather and tomfoolery. He doesn’t care what you think, he’s been saying “fuck you” to you all for so long, yet still your own vanity, stops you seeing the absence of it in him. It’s the outcome that counts. And it’s no good catching him out on some technicality, he’ll take the punishment, then come back smiling. They don’t even notice his biggest tell, the glint in the eye, just as he’s about to begin the next whopper. Inside he’s laughing at you, at the prospect of getting away with something, anything!

When I came back from my reverie, Charlie and Germany could be seen standing beside the now vacant flight simulator; ‘But this machine, I see it is German made. How did it get here?’

‘I know no details madam, legend has it that it was a university-built prototype that never got adopted.’

‘I have seen such things before, made to be portable, for training amateurs who want to fly their own planes. Is it difficult to learn?’

‘It is intended to train those with no experience, only you will know how well or badly you are doing.’

‘Very well.’ And with that she climbed into the cockpit.

In time the game playing slowed, the politicians turned to spectating and talking about games. Soon everyone was watching the flight simulator, the only game left in progress. Germany was of course wearing headphones and clearly into the game - leaning left and right, forwards and backwards - but somewhat out of sync with the roll of the machine itself. Now as the rest of the room became quieter, her own commentary to herself became ever more audible. Her audience began to smile and exchange glances.

I noticed Barmy’s jaw had visibly dropped; ‘What’s she saying?’

‘I’d rather not say. You know how at school, teachers called rude words, Anglo-Saxon, and talked about English having Germanic roots...’

‘Oh, lord! Do you think anyone in the room understands?’

‘I doubt it. Anyway, she seems to have moved on from fighting the English, to having a go at the Slavs...’

We were interrupted by the sound of a loud crack and thud as the hydraulics suddenly collapsed and the pod came to rest at an odd angle.

Charlie rushed forward; ‘Buffy!’

‘How bad Charlie?’

‘Fetch the trolley, this one requires a spa treatment.’

As people gathered around the stricken Chancellor, Charlie stepped back from the crowd, and a moment later, images started downloading.

59: Sparkwell and the politicians

Early on arrivals day, Barmy and I worked on some ‘rules of engagement’ for the Summit. Keeping half an eye on the network news on one part of our screens, we came to an informal understanding. We’d both save to external drives only what we put-up on the shared part of our screens, two copies of the same stuff. It was to be private, only viewed in the presence of family and friends, no online sharing. There would be a cooling off period of two weeks, of locking the external drives away, even if others requested a viewing.

‘This is like group work at school.’

‘Oh, I do hope so.’ I replied.

‘What can you offer me?’

‘Three possibilities, outside chance of four.’

‘Don’t be such a tease, I’ve already said you’ll get aerial photography all today until sundown.’

‘Right, well as you’ve probably worked out for yourself, the conference area cameras are state of the art but they will likely be the most boring; officials at desks, drafting communiques. The cameras in the Games Room are quite good for sound and vision, they move but are controlled from the Park’s security desk. Buffy wants the leaders alone in the lounge, bar and dining area as much as possible, but those cameras are static, not high quality and the sound is a bit pathetic according to Charlie.’

‘How does she know?’

‘Ah, well, yes. After the amateur revenge porn incident, she applied a little pressure on the perpetrator, fixed it so he could keep his job provided he acquiesced to any small favours she might ask. Anyway, a year or so ago when Daphne and I were having one of our lunches she took it upon herself to watch us on camera.’

‘You know, always the student one day displaces the tutor.’

‘It will come to us all no doubt.’

‘And the fourth possibility?’

‘If Charlie gets the chance to take any still images, or video come to that, on her work mobile which has automatic back-up to here. I may share I may not, Buffy may want some of it leaked to The Beacon, but Wooley will have to pay, one way or another.’

The arrivals provided some good dramatic introductory material for any future private show, politicians emerging from various forms of air transport looking somewhat lost and bemused. The first developing situation to truly draw us in was the moment Uncle appeared to depart from the script of the meet and greet. This opening encounter unfolded in the form of a proper high tea, taken sitting-up in the dining area. The esteemed relative appeared to be drawing his speech to a close when he paused for a second or two. Experience told me something would happen; ‘Listen-up Barmy!’

‘I really cannot let this occasion pass, without passing comment, on just how privileged you are going to be over the next few days, you are being served by no less a personage than Charlotte Sparkwell here. I could say that she has agree to demean herself by waiting on you all, but that, as you will discover, would be patronising to her, in the extreme; she is, as you will discover a force to be reckoned with, and as the partner of my nephew, the co-owner alongside myself of this palatial pile - you should close your ears to this Prime Minster, perhaps now is the moment to do the sausages, you seem to have got the fire well away. Now where was I? Oh yes, my nephew was at school with your official host, so you can be sure he has briefed Sparkwell in any salient facts, she is also a fully paid-up member of the club which normally rents this space, indeed one notable, female club wit, refers to her as the Valette, a not altogether inaccurate description. Anyway, enough said. I close, by simply saying, good luck to you all.’

There was a moment of silence as Uncle sat down, then enthusiastic applause from Japan, South Korea and Australia. The others remained stony-faced, except Canada and France who looked positively terrified.

‘Oh, good lord, well that’s my briefing to Charlie out the window, anything could happen now!’

‘I think she is blushing, ya?’

‘She won’t like it if she becomes the centre of attention.’

The next incident of note occurred soon after breakfast the following day, India was leaning back on the fireguard, warming himself. Germany had already grabbed the most comfortable of the fireside seats. ‘Excuse me Prime Minister, it might be safer if you stood forward a little, our Prime Minister appears to have been a bit too enthusiastic, throwing so many logs on the fire, it may take off at any moment.’

‘Yes, eh, thank you Sparkwell. Now what’s the expression, “bull in a china shop” I think.’

‘Very apt, sir.’

‘You know I still have to deal with some older civil servants who modelled themselves on the British, one or two even had an English education.’

Then Germany joined in; ‘I was always told the English upper classes have excellent table manners, seeing Trumpton consuming his breakfast has disabused me of that!’

‘The Prime Minster is not upper-class, madam. He received his education entirely through scholarships.’

‘I see. I could not help but notice Sparkwell, but you are much better dressed than our host.’

‘My employer is most generous, and provides a clothing allowance.’

‘So, what is your usual job?’

‘I’m employed by the Trust which is part owner of the house and parkland.’

‘But I thought that was your husband, the Earl’s nephew?’

‘Almost indistinguishable madam. Legally, to avoid a conflict of interest, I’m accountable to the Trustees, although if the work is charitable, I am one of the Trustees.’

‘Ah, yes, British business law, we are familiar, not like on the continent.’ So mused India.

‘Yes, but what do you actually do?’ Insisted Germany.

‘I think the answer, as you rightly observed Chancellor, is in her clothing. When his lordship referred to her as a Valette, he meant a female valet, manservant.’

‘In point of fact madam, we are not married, indeed only a few months ago I was forced to seriously considering alternative employment. Arrrrh...’

‘What on earth’s the matter child?’

‘A screeching noise in my ear, I do apologise madam.’

‘You’re wearing an earpiece?’

‘For my music, madam, when I’m behind the bar with nothing to do.’

At which point Buffy came into view, and a second or so later the fire suddenly took off. ‘Ah, always Buffy “five seconds to midnight” Trumpton - as we say in Germany!’

‘Nice to warm the cockles, bit chilly still this morning.’

‘It’s the only source of heating in the damn building Trumpton.’ Asserted Germany.

‘So much like summer in the mountains, and no end of what you insist on calling rhododendrons.’ India appeared to have started enjoying himself.

‘There’s been a leak Charlie, I’m sorry, mark my words, I’ll have words.’ Buffy appeared to hand her a copy of The Beacon. I pulled up the website; Buffy Protection Officer’s Sextape Agony PAGE THREE EXCLUSIVE.

The article about Charlotte was illustrated with an alluring picture of her in full yoga kit. The words could have been written by Wooley at any time in the last eighteen months, with the addition of ‘Buffy’s personal protection officer’ and ‘Navy pin-up’. The words ‘massage’ and ‘yoga’ were liberally sprinkled throughout. The by-line, Stella January, and the expression, ‘super-fit, with a hint of mucky’ were something of a giveaway however. But it all helped to provide a fun tribute, totally void of salient or intrusive details; the Don had clearly got to know his subject well and valued his continuing membership of the club.

During the morning coffee break, Germany sort to strike up a conversation again. ‘Sparkwell, it said in that despicable article Trumpton insisted on showing us, that you are qualified in massage as well as yoga and sports physiotherapy.’

‘Yes, madam.’

‘And you are involved with the spa here?’

‘Only informally, madam, as a member of the club, I try to see that standards are maintained, it’s a newish venture, quite modest in its way.’

‘But the whole place is called a spa?’

‘Yes madam, but the spring itself is small, the whole of the estate is high in the valley, close to the source of the river, so there is a limited water supply anyway. We take nothing from the public supply.’

‘I was disappointed the facility would not be open to us, I am use to regular weekly treatments. I was wondering if you could possibly make yourself available one evening?’

‘Alas madam, I’m under contract to the Prime Minister twenty-four seven, throughout the conference.’

‘Quite right to.’ So said Buffy, walking into shot once more. ‘Besides Charlie here has been delegated to supervise the evening entertainments!’

58: Matters of trust

‘Oh, there you are.’

‘I’ve just finished a session with Tuffy. He wants me to tell you some stuff.’

‘Coward!’

‘This is difficult. He, really doesn’t know you at all does he?’

‘Well, that thought has occurred, down the years, more often than I care to think about.’

‘And, there’s something about you, sometimes I’m not sure you care about him at all.’

‘Look, you’re right there is something a bit-off about our relationship. Perhaps if I just say; it’s Tuffy’s parents who hold a place in my heart, okay. I mean you might expect  Aunts to step forward in a crisis and all that, right. But Tuffy’s parents I just instinctively liked, and they liked me.’

‘I get it.’

‘Tuffy, just came as part of the package.’

‘Tuffy chickened-out, because he thinks you will be desperately upset to know you are not going to get to be his best man, and lay on a grand show at a grand wedding.’

‘It’s not all off, is it?’

‘No, just for various practical reasons, it’s a quiet registry office thing, they’ve been in the queue and they now have a date. It’s weird, I just thought, Tuffy must know, unconsciously.’

‘Go on.’

‘He wants you to take care of his mother, at the ceremony, the reception and whilst they bugger-off for a few days.’

‘My pleasure.’

‘The other thing I have to tell you, I mean I’ve been warning him I’ve got to do this for ages, otherwise the whole situation will go tits-up, is, Lady Victoria still doesn’t know about Tuffy’s “special treatments”, sir.’

‘Holy Moses. But, all three of them have been holed-up together for over a year!’

‘Precisely, sir.’

‘Vic knows, I’m sure of it, she’s had the measure of him for over thirty years, probably his mother knows too.’

‘He still has to fess-up.’

‘Of course, he does. What about the witnesses?’

‘Us.’

‘Oh, right. And the reception?’

‘Just the five of us, at their place.’

‘What time of day is the registry office?’

‘2,00pm.’

‘Piece of cake!’

‘I imagine they will require a little more than that, sir.’

‘No, no. All you have to do is get our wicker picnic basket into the car, then into the house. I’ll do the rest. I can’t believe how easy this is going to be. When we were kids, Tuffy’s papa had this kid’s party routine with some magic tricks, simplest misdirection and sleight of hand, but very impressive, even with the adults. Mrs Tufnell will know precisely where they are. What?’

‘That new work done on the chaise longue, it requires thorough crash testing, now.’

A few days later Charlie received a thick wad of paper through the post from Merriweather and Stollard. ‘Is this it?’

‘I imagine so.’

‘They think I should make a prompt appointment to come in to sign, with witnesses, plural?’

‘Well, I imagine everyone else is waiting on you having a free moment, you being so important and all that, for the next few weeks. Everyone really needs to be on board before the Park’s contract with the government kicks in. Brinkley’s back, he needs to sign, along with others, Bernard probably wants to do you all as a job lot.’

‘Why the urgency?’

‘Ah, well. The smaller document is all about permissions to change the Trust, the big one, the thing itself. Now, there is a sense in which, since the old Trust, as it were, becomes null and void, so does, in effect, for all practical purposes, some of its past activities. From the moment it comes in to force, the new Trust is, “squeaky clean and state of art”, to use Bernard’s phraseology...’

‘Certain things get swept under the carpet and stay there.’

‘I say, that’s rather a good way of putting it.’

‘So, what’s become of my mission statement, it’ll take me weeks to read this, let alone understand it.’

‘Well, it couldn’t be reproduced directly, it’s all about the future, our priorities can only be embedded in the law as it is today. We can only start, continue or stop on the basis of the current situation. I’ve found your intentions in at least twenty places so far though.’

‘Give me a couple examples then.’

‘So, as you know, basically we’re talking about residential and commercial buildings in various towns and farmland in the countryside. So, take Melbury Buildings…

‘I wish someone would.’

‘Agreed. I’d happily see it blown-up tomorrow. An appalling Modernist monstrosity, but a cash cow, in terms of the rents. Now, the Trust now says it will seek listed status for all its property. And what’s more it will seek to restore and enhance all. So, as soon as the Trustees start meeting, anyone is entitled to say that steps should be taken immediately to dispose of the above mentioned. Now, financially that is a double blow to the Trust, the cost of restoration-type work on the property we want to keep is astronomical, so we now have online retail and investment, website and social media innovation, behavioural…’

‘Your American investments.’

‘As you say, the Trust need not be restricted. It won’t be dependent on me gifting wads of cash after the event.’

‘And in the country?’

‘Well, for a start all that knocks out modern building on green field sites. But of course, you still get more and more clauses to allow small outhouses on farms provided they are essential utilities built in a style sympathetic to the etc. GMOs are out, trials in the gene-edited allowed. High intensity for animals out, set aside and woodland in, as existing contracts are fulfilled, tenancies fall vacant etc. See what I mean?’

‘I’ll phone now.’

That evening, when Charlotte returned from prep at the Park; ‘You know, having to work to a timetable is doing my head in. I almost joined everyone in the bar.’

‘Well, your membership does entitle you to booze your way through on the house wine for free, should you require it.’

‘No, staying sober whilst others... Well, it’s one of the few advantages I have. Read this.’ It was a three-page student handout like thing, on protocol when interacting with the eleven principals, being culturally aware etc. ‘I’ll never remember it all, I can’t instantly absorb like you.’

‘You won’t have to. So, whose been trying to tutor you in all this?’

‘Some Cabinet Office type.’

‘Who no doubt photocopied most of this from some EU manual. Buffy doesn’t want this.’

‘Go on.’

‘In essence, what is the club?

‘An English boarding school in an old country house, dominated by your lot who were all at the same school!’

‘You are only the waitress, you only understand the Queen’s English, you only speak when spoken to, you automatically serve coffee at eleven, if they want something else, sorry sir, we only have hot water in the coffee machine, they’ve already discovered the heating is off because it’s summer, it’s a Friday, you take it for granted you’ll be serving fish, there are only ten of them, hopefully, including Buffy as host so he’s in charge of the open fire, all the bag carriers are banished to the conference area making do with a cold spread. Besides, you’ve automatically been making sure our spring water and clean glasses are on all the tables.’

‘That’s brilliant.’

‘You are all body language; what FBI forensics would call a natural. All the nine guests, providing the EU can be banished to the ballroom, are as common as muck and only got where they are by ducking and diving, now they have expectations, they think they are entitled. All they get from you is, on first greeting each day, Good morning Prime Minister or Mr President or whatever, then sir or madam. The only person they can turn to is Buffy, I say Trumpton this girl is refusing me, whatever, that’s no girl that’s Sparkwell, treat her right she can get you anything smuggled-in, suddenly you are the Maître d’hôtel, the Concierge. Buffy has them trapped there; they, have to get on, with you.’

‘Buffy wants to start a bun fight?’

‘He wants them, to start one. At some point they’ll discover the Games Room, only then you’ll have them all, including Buffy.’

‘And when all this is going down, you just happen to be catching up on old times with Barmy.’

‘You worked that one out then.’

57: The reunion

‘Daphne! Welcome! You look, resilient.’

‘I’ll take that as a compliment, as someone with teenage daughters. Belated, condolences by the way. How are you, seriously?’

‘Good, everything is working out the way it should.’

‘You’ve taken over her house on the right side of town I gather.’

‘How on earth…’

‘I’ve just been chatting to Charlotte; I was taking a look at the grounds, waiting out my fifteen minutes…’

‘Enjoying a crafty fag.’

‘As you say, and there she was. She, er, dropped the whole Valette thing instantly, she seems a very, sympathetic person.’

‘She’s been on a steep learning curve lately; she’ll be the only one of us with a genuine inside view of the actual Summit. Looks like I’ll be stuck at home.’

‘Funny, Barmy says he’s going to pull a sickie, and monitor the whole thing from his cabin. Says it should be the best laugh on screen for years. Can you actually livestream the whole thing to the portal, not that you would, of course!’

‘Well, bit beyond my skills, but I do know the only thing to hack into would be our club area security cameras, very dull, lousy audio. You know those live fly-on-the-wall reality shows, they only work because there is a very experienced director and cameraman in the control room with the editor.’

‘Really, Barmy seemed to think you could do it with your eyes shut. It sounds pretty loud in the bar, are they all de-mob happy or something?’

‘That, and more cricket. Coffee? Sticky bun?’

‘Thanks, and hat’s-off for the good old Duke, or whatever one is meant to do on such occasions.’

When we were settled, she said; ‘Talking of your Charlotte, you know way back, when she first appeared in the spa, she really put the wind-up the whole lot of them, simply by being there.’

‘She has a certain presence.’

‘They recognised the genuine article when they saw it. Two of them left of their own volition within weeks. Did you know that?’

‘No, but that was how I got her through the door in the first place, raising doubts about the spa and saying I was sure someone with her background could raise standards, so to speak.’

‘You know, now you’re only a mile or so down the road, we’ll all have to start making social calls.’

‘I draw the line at dinner parties. Charlie only tolerates the kitchen, because we take so many meals out - and of course enforces such a strict regime at home, she barely has to do any shopping.’

‘If I didn’t know the back story, I’d think you a very odd couple.’

‘Ha! A while back I made an effort to explain you and Barmy to her. I told her that what really needed explaining was how you two ended up embracing the English suburban lifestyle.’

‘Well, you should try explaining it to me sometime darling! I’m the one who really needs to know. Christ! Hear that? It’s Auld Lang Syne now.’

There ended-up being about fifteen members for lunch. Charlie, in uniform, could be seen shadowing the regular staff, physically rehearsing everything. During lockdown she’d made a few subtle changes to the position of the furniture. The Lady Vic managed to extract Tuffy from the bar a while before lunch, giving him the chance to calm down. At one point I noticed Prudence, apparently alone, and palely loitering, I feared the worst so waved her over. ‘What no Rory?’

‘He’s been recalled for more media training.’

‘Ah.’

‘And he’s been almost totally frozen out of the summit, all he gets is playing second fiddle to your Uncle at the meet and greet.’

‘Well, if it’s any consolation, the Earl and Countess will only be here for about an hour and a half. Their only permanent presence is the flag on the roof.’

‘Surely they’ll be insisting on the Union Jack,’ said Daphne.

‘No, that’s the only non-negotiable part of the deal. I’ve already had to pull Buffy up about his lack of constitutional knowledge. The Union Jack has no meaning or status in such matters what so ever. It’s merely a modern celebration of the Union. Short of the monarch being present, when obviously it’s the Royal Standard, it’s always his flag. Indeed, Uncle’s ancestors were granted their coat of arms by the Crown anyway, so...’

At which point Charlie passed behind my chair; ‘Gone in ten.’

‘Okay.’

‘Something on?’ Asked Daphne.

‘Scheduled video call, at home, with the man himself.’

‘Do you two never stop trying to get the better of each other?’

‘Never. Especially today. If we’re all going to be hacked during this whole thing, then it will start today, they will need to try and trawl all my kit in the Media Room first, and they’ll get twenty minutes.’

‘Will you know?’

‘Depends, their kit will have to learn as it goes, in stages, give itself feedback, there should be alerts.’

‘And if there aren’t?’

‘Either a hundred per cent success, or a hundred per cent fail, or they’re not trying. Things are rarely one hundred per cent in life.’

‘You could fail to notice, human error.’

‘Which is why, if they succeed, then it’s almost certainly Barmy who’s told them how.’

‘No! No way, Tony.’

‘He knows more than I. He may have made a judgement that it was the right thing to do for all our sakes.’

‘But he’s sold his soul to the Americans, you know that better than most.’

‘Exactly. Legally speaking, the US doesn’t snoop on its own citizens, nor the UK on its own subjects, they don’t have to, the GCHQ does it for them, the NSA for us.’

‘Rory has been assured that’s a complete myth.’ Declared Prue.

‘Well, I’m sure he has impeccable sources these days. Right then, time to make a move, see you, whenever.’

‘Good lord Anthony, you appear better set-up than any of us.’

‘Hang-on a second, I’ll give you a 360-degree view for the benefit of everyone watching, Charlotte’s in the room by the way.’

‘Ha! Carrie does that, lounge in the background. We’re all still looking for Nancy Astor’s missing chaise longue. Afternoon Sparkwell.’

‘Prime Minister.’

‘Palm trees, and a sea view. Well, well, well.’

‘One other thing, let me zoom in, there on my screen, security alerts, coming thick and fast, see? Each one a repeated attempt to trawl me.’

‘And failing presumably, why would we be doing that?’

‘Well, if you want to snoop on anyone, anything, at the Park, by hacking their devices, you have to take me out first. The entire Park is run from here, the only other significant shareholders are the Earl and Aunt Julia, and everything automatically back-ups to their devices.’

‘I’m forever telling them to fuck-off, but of course there’s no way of telling if they have!’

‘The problem is Charlotte will be carrying her work mobile, right, which is on this network, with an earpiece for emergencies. If she can’t carry them, she’s out of there.’

‘Hang-on Anthony, I’m being told something. How is that possible? Your joking! I’m not allowed to say. There are more ways than one to skin a cat. Anthony!’

‘Prime Minister.’

‘Who provides your security?’

‘Well, it’s a mix, of off-the-shelf commercial kit and software.’

‘Okay, well who tells you what to buy?

‘Well, most of the time I can work it out for myself, if I get stuck, I ask Barmy.’

‘Christ! He’s working for the Yanks.’

‘Well, only in the sense that he’s given up his intellectual property rights over his current project. All his personal digital assets are held in the UK now, he was even granted full UK citizenship the other day.’

‘Really. They’re still telling me not to tell you anything.’

‘In that case, why don’t I guess?’

‘Go on then.’

‘Yes, they were trying to trawl as a precursor to a hack. They got the same alerts I got. Thought I was attempting to trawl them, then realised as they got even more repeated fails, there is only one possible explanation, we are all using the same software, the same updates, they were attempting, in effect, to trawl themselves. This whole operation is being led locally by the Navy, therefore… You know Daphne told me at lunch he plans to throw a sickie over the whole four days and watch it all from his cabin on his screen.’

‘Bastard! I’ll have him out of there.’

‘Oh, I wouldn’t do that, if the system goes down, he’s the only one who’ll be able to fix it!’

‘What does Sparkwell think?’

‘Sir?’

‘Don’t bother, she thinks it’s all boy’s games, she’s still reading The Beacon on her tablet, see?’

56: Domestic bliss

‘And this, is the Media Room.’

‘Command and control, eh!’

‘Assuredly, and especially if Buffy banishes me from the Park during the Summit.’

‘Two desks, so you can both enjoy the view?

‘Indeed.’

‘Bit hard on Charlie though, she appears to have only a laptop and a tablet whilst you’ve got, well, everything.’

‘Just a matter time, when she needs more, more will be provided.’

‘What’s the empty space by the back wall for?’

‘That will be the late Aunt’s chaise longue, once it returns from being re-upholstered and having it’s horse hair rearranged - or whatever it is they do to it.’

‘Might I have a word, gentlemen?’

‘See, she can still appear from out of nowhere.’

‘May one enquire, what happens tomorrow morning, when the Dragon Concierge discovers Northcott Electrics parked in your parking space, sir?’

‘Shit! What time is it?’

‘Almost 9,00pm, sir.’

‘Er. Right. Okay. Only an old-fashioned person to person phone call will do this. Now, you two, turn and face the wallpaper, it’ll be a distraction. Thankfully you’ll only hear one side of this. It’s ringing. Marietta! Good evening... My Apologies. This is just by way of a quick courtesy call to say that Sparkwell will be arriving shortly with an overnight guest. ..Yes, he is actually rather a good prospect as a future tenant, do you know Northcott Electrics? ..He is in fact the owner, unfortunately his car is in dock, he’s having to use one of the firm’s vans, Charlotte will escort him to my parking space and give him a quick tour of the flat, before returning here. ..Well yes, which is why I thought it only prudent to have a word. ..Just the one night, unless of course he’s really taken with the place and signs on the dotted, then you’ll be stuck with him. My pleasure, as always, bye for now.’ Suddenly the room seemed very quiet. ‘Well, don’t just stand there, go to it!’

‘Satisfied?’

‘Blissful. Are you satisfied, I can’t think of anything we’ve left untested, and the video works a treat, yes?’

‘I know, you can even see the curtains move in the breeze. Shame my online support is about to come to an end.’ Then her work phone rang. ‘Okay I’ll pass that on.’ And after a pregnant pause; ‘Oh, okay. That was my handler, he said we’re on, we get a month of the normal club, from the middle of April. But, strictly members and staff only. No guests, no events and we’ll have to be content with the discretely armed strangers coming and going. He suggested you only actually announce it from within the portal along with the official, at least one jab plus fifteen minute test rules.’

‘And the other thing?’

‘Nothing really, just he’s heard a whisper that enquires have been made by Germany as to whether spa treatments will be available during the four days.’

‘Bugger! Baden-Baden, I never thought, I doubt Buffy did either.’

‘What?’

‘That’s the one thing they, can look down their noises at us, with, as it were, so to speak. Of course, all they’ve been seeing so far is crawfordspa.com and thinking, “oh, yes!” Get me Bernard, now!’

‘Hang-on, there, it’s ringing.’

‘Bernard, crises, drop everything, all hands to the pump, oh lord, find out who owns all the land adjacent to the Park, as of today, especially to the north, say, all the way to Grimpen Cross, and if anything is currently for sale, I want expressions of interest - everything. Now, don’t ask what it’s about, I hope I’m wrong. Just, carry on enjoying your morning coffee and your daily Kit-Kat.’

‘I’ve never seen you in a panic before!’

A couple of days later, having dropped Charlie at the Park, I drove on for a face to face with Merriweather. ‘What, no Sparkwell in tow?’

‘No, she’s doing her daily training and prep at the Park. What, no Brinkley?’

‘Best between ourselves on this one.’

‘You have the self-satisfied look of someone who knows they know more than the other person and is pondering as how best to exploit their advantage.’

‘Nonsense, I think you’ll find what I have to report rather amusing, sit thee down.’

‘Well?’

‘It’s not the Swiss, it’s your own side making enquiries.’

‘Umm.’

‘Firstly, changes to the Trust are done, give me your signature today and we’re squeaky clean and state of the art. Ms Sparkwell’s enhanced role on the charitable side is enshrined, and three out of the five suggested Trustees are already on board. Lawrence flies to Spain this week, confident that he’s on top of the post-Brexit pandemic regulations, we can come and go as we please. So, that’s all fine and dandy, no need for panic or paranoia on anyone’s part. I understand you’re thinking of keeping Mackintosh close at hand?’

‘Don’t push it.’

‘So, my enquires? Well now, officially none of the perimeter properties has changed hands since I last checked. Now, I took it upon myself to speak with the estate agent who gets the most work out that way, nothing up for sale, no informal approaches. However.’

‘Yes.’

‘You know how all property details have been put on pdfs for years now. Well, around these parts, someone has been quite thorough about indexing when archiving - and what with the industry being so incestuous...’

‘The term is digital curation; they’ve realised they’ve got an emergent search engine.’

‘Really, fascinating. And therefore...’

‘A mountain of metadata too.’

‘He went away and got an answer remarkably quickly. Firstly, within twenty-four hours of your old school chum’s arrival in Downing St. the whole of the Park area was searched from a device in the Cabinet Office!’

‘That was expected.’

‘Was it. The other sign of activity was about ten days ago, from a device in the, so apply named, Department for, Environment, Food and Rural Affairs.’

‘Official or politician?’

‘Couldn’t say.’

‘The minister is one of Buffy’s happy few.’

‘Is he. Well, that’s all what you’d expect isn’t it? A flurry of interest with your conference coming up.’

‘Yes, but that’s all organised in the Cabinet Office.’

‘Perhaps they feel frozen out? Anyway, let’s move to the conference room for the signing.’

As we came through the door there was a delivery package set in the dead centre of the large oval table. ‘Oh look, you’ve bought yourself an Owl, how forward thinking of you.’

‘Yes, trouble is, I can’t find anyone in the building willing to volunteer to set it up.’

‘Worry not, I’ll give you Fin Heptonstall’s email.’

‘Who, he?’

‘You’ve met him.’

‘Have I?’

‘He was here for about a week setting up your security system!’

‘Ah, yes, the chap Lawrence took a fancy to. Anyway, take a look at how we’ve mangled Sparkwell’s wish list, that’s the only possible point of contention.’

‘Mission statement.’

‘Whatever. Now, I’m going to be signing-up too; so, we’ll need two of the right sort of witnesses, one had better be Stollard himself, and let’s see if young Benson is in the building...’

‘Well Tony, are we all systems go?’

‘Charlie won’t like it.’

‘Yes, but with the utmost respect, she doesn’t have to. You’re the one who has to positively like it, or you should kill it now whilst you have the chance. These are the biggest changes anyone’s ever made.’

‘I love it.’

‘Thought you might. Gentlemen...’

As Bernard was showing me the door, I asked; ‘Any thoughts on how we spin this to Charlotte?’

‘Lawrence made one of his rare public witticisms when we were brainstorming it all; “This is big C conservation, not Green pipe-less dreams”.’

Back in the fresh air I reached for my mobile and switched it on, only to freeze on the spot. I took a minute or two to collect my thoughts, then like so many others, proceeded to do what I’d long decided to do, when the inevitable news came from Windsor.

55: Picnic in the park

‘Is Barmy smarter than you?’

‘Oh, yes. In the formal mathematical, hard science sense. I can visualise topography in the four dimensions of space-time, but he can think in numbers and do multiverses. Some might say he’s the only bona fide genius of our generation. But the trick is to know it, accept it, not go up against him in various areas of expertise. And equally, have the good sense to think, on any particular issue, I can learn from him.’

‘But if you want to best him?’

‘Well, force him onto ground where you know your skills give you the advantage.’

‘Not sure I’m happy about him going around promoting me as some kind of pin-up for randy sailors. Perhaps you should slip the word to Daphne.’

‘No, no. Classic mistake. Zero-sum thinking. All that does is sow discord - and a tendency to shoot the messenger. No, you should always think, where is the advantage for yourself.’

‘Okay, so what would you do?’

‘Leak the story myself.’

‘To who?’

‘Your favourite columnist of course. Let him make you famous for fifteen minutes as whatever the politically correct version of Page Three is these days.’

We were sat enjoying a picnic lunch in the spring sunshine of the Park, staying involved but distanced, as far as possible, from any real work. And waiting upon a friend.

‘Surely, as soon as advanced parties from other nations start arriving to scout-out the premises, all sorts of objections will be made?’

‘Well, here I think Buffy really is playing a blinder. Firstly, it all has to be smaller scale than usual for obvious reasons, so fewer choices for everyone. But nonetheless location is everything. Take the airport for instance, a seven four seven is only allowed to land in an emergency nowadays. In the past, any time one landed the whole place ground to a halt until it took off again. Buffy’s first encounter with the US president will, despite it being a world economic summit, be turned into a demonstration of the special relationship - which everyone trapped here will have to witness. They both officially have Green agendas. Air Force One and Two will stay at home, pending permanent retirement. According to Barmy, all that airborne command and control stuff is bollocks now. The kit for that can be carried in a couple of suitcases these days. You know the RAF’s fleet of Voyager aircraft, the dual role refuelling and troop-carrying planes?

‘The paint-job!’

‘You’re ahead of me. All of them are special edition Airbus 330s, right. So, as other world leaders fly-in, they’ll be met by the sight of the even more special UK A330, having just crossed the Atlantic, picked up the President, and on its return refuelled more, new F35 Bs making their first Atlantic crossing - video of which will have been splashed across social media in the previous few hours. The Atlantic Alliance showing it’s Green credentials.’

‘Okay.’

‘Then, they’re transferred to Royal Marine choppers, flying off one of the new carriers which, our so-called NATO allies will have already seen on their approach to landing, and been told, accidentally on purpose, that it will only be the US president who gets to inspect the carrier, on account of there being talk of buying a licence to use our design for replacing their own aged fleet.’

‘And the world’s media, they’ll have to be accommodated too.’

‘Accommodated is the right word. Yes, they’ve been told we don’t have the facilities. There’s a potential row about that at the moment, the university was the first out of the trap ages ago, but now the Bay Council have finally woken-up and want them to use the conference centre on the seafront.’

‘Who’ll win?’

‘My money is on the council, strange as that may seem. The media want drama, conflict, what better place for protest than the Prom, the beach, even the sea?’

‘But it will be students doing the street theatre.’

‘Or beach theatre, as no doubt we’ll come to know it. Our old friend the Associate Professor of Social Policy, is probably demanding the university backs-off at this very moment.’

‘Meanwhile you’ll be keeping your back channel to Wooley open.’

‘An unfortunate turn of phrase. Actually, since Buffy will be only too anxious to banish me, I think you’ll find yourself the centre of the Don’s attention.’

‘He’ll think I’m his inside man?’

‘In a manner of speaking. And, Buffy will want to insist, on only what he wants, getting leaked to The Beacon. Talking of which, pass me your work mobile a second. Now, right. Make this the only device you bring onto the grounds until further notice. My advice, is take any and all opportunities from now on to snap away at anything of potential interest. This device, is now set to auto-back-up photos to me. That way if someone takes it off you, I’ll still have a window of opportunity to pass stuff on. In fact, maybe I should start thinking-up potential favours - as our price for cooperation with Wooley.’

‘That’s enough food, we have to leave something for your trusted lieutenant. What’s the ETA now?’

‘Er, fifteen minutes.’

‘What does he drive, I’ve never noticed.’

‘Good. He’s Mr Inconspicuous.’

‘How do you mean?’

‘Ever noticed a little van, with Northcott Electrics on the side?’

‘Oh! Always in the corner of the carpark, never thought anything of it.’

‘Hiding in plain sight.’

‘So, like Jack’s van then, more on the inside than out?’

‘Less.’

‘What?’

‘Deliberately low-tech, full of apparent junk, camping gear, old rope, toolkits circa nineteen seventy-five. Perfect cover for housebreaking implements etc.’

‘Plastic explosive...’

‘But, for today’s purposes his own set of golf clubs.’

‘Why does he get to come all this way, just to be the first to play the course?’

‘Well, someone has to check it all out, whilst we’re still in a position to make minor changes if need be.’

‘But why not one of the really good regular amateurs?’

‘He’s the only one of our lot, the inner circle as it were, who knows anything of the game, we follow behind, caddi-ing, and between us should be able to spot any problems.’

‘There’s more to this than you’re letting on.’

An hour later we were all at the first tee. ‘I say, that’s different!’ Exclaimed Cat.

‘Brilliant.’ Added Charlie.

‘Tell Uncle, he was the one who worked it all out. Actually Charlie, you and I should be taking pictures, each time the vista changes.’ It was the first time she or Cat had realised you could actually see the sea from the Park. ‘We must all leg-it up on to the roof again sometime soon.’

Cat didn’t have a long drive, understandably, so there was plenty of time to observe in some detail. I found myself taking notes, whilst Charlie fell into the role of caddie.

We were part way down the second fairway when Cat really got into the spirit of the thing, asking; ‘So, what would you recommend here Sparkwell? Tricky little shot, avoiding that bunker.’

‘I really couldn’t say, sir.’

‘But you’re a qualified sports instructor, didn’t they cover golf as part of your degree?’

‘Well, it only really came up in the Leisure Management modules, actual participation concentrated on team sports and the gym.’

‘I take it that really is meant to be a bunker, I can’t see any sand!’

‘Ah, yes, well. Small problem.’ I interjected.

‘Don’t know any chaps who can lift it off beaches.’

‘No, no, no. It’s actual quite easy to tell the difference between natural and commercial sand, you just rub a little between your fingers. Besides you don’t have to clean commercial sand. Fear not, it will be delivered - when the time and price is right.’

It took the best part of two hours for Cat to play all the new holes, plus the couple of old ones which had been modified. We did our best to imagine what the new trees would eventually hide.

‘Any chance of a stiffener at the bar?’

‘Yes, if Charlie is happy to play the bar steward.’

‘Very good, sir.’

‘Now then, touching the matter of your accommodation.’

‘I must say, I’m looking forward to seeing the Villa.’

‘Yes, well, I have a proposal to make. If you care to follow us home, we’ll provide a tightner to go with your stiffener, but afterwards I suggest we give you the keys to our old apartment. And tonight, you can mull over the question of whether you’d like to live there, for a modest rent, more or less permanently?’

‘Might I suggest you ride with Mr Macintosh, sir. If Northcott Electrics is to remain inconspicuous, surely he’ll be requiring the tradesman’s entrance!’

54: Charlie's country house caper

‘Were you asleep?’

‘Er, yes, what time is it?’

‘Have you been lying-in all the time I was away?’

‘Well...’

‘I’m coming over.’

I had enough time to get showered and dressed, but when I got downstairs, Charlie was already moving about the kitchen with disapproval. ‘This is never going to work. How long before Merriweather fixes the garage?’

‘It’s not a fix, the fact that it’s ours has already been established, it’s just a question of how brutal Bernard has to be removing the current occupant.’

‘There’s some kit of mine in the boot, bring it in whilst I tidy-up a bit. What is on today’s schedule anyway?’

‘I’m going to show you our new local shoppe, and you are going to buy a hard copy of The Beacon!’

‘Why?’

‘Souvenir issue. I thought you’d already know that?’

‘I’ve been preoccupied with your backsliding.’

As we were walking down the hill, Charlie asked; ‘How long is your arch enemy going to keep up with all these lockdowny restrictions?’

‘For people like us, about another forty-eight hours I should think.’

‘What?’

‘We, are about to become key workers. Furthermore, long delayed improvements to the Park are suddenly going to take-off again. And of course, in four months, everything will have more than paid for itself.’

‘I love you. God knows why, but I do. Sneaky bastard.’

With no details, the quality press did their best with; ‘Privileged elite to meet at exclusive country hideaway’. Whilst, The Beacon had; ‘PICTURE EXCLUSIVE Inside Buffy’s High Tech Country Conference SEE CENTRE PAGES’

‘How did they get any of this?’

‘Off Wooley’s device of course, he was there for almost a month at election time remember? Wait till you go to your app, there’s video.’

‘Oh my God, we’re all in these pics.’

‘Yes, but imagine you’d never been there. There’s no sign of the club’s actual activities, just what the headline says.’

‘So, the Lefties are all disapproval, but the biggest readership, of ordinary people, get the inside story.’

‘Bleed’in tragic innit!’

Charlotte gathered her composure and did a thorough inspection of the shelves of our new, local retail cooperative. As we were heading back up the hill she asked; ‘So just what is my role meant to be in all of this?’

‘Well, I understand you will be contacted soon. Didn’t you give your number to the head of Buffy’s security detail?’

‘Oh, right.’

‘The idea, which we’ve only very tentatively explored so far, is that you should be Buffy’s, Special Protection Officer whenever he is in the vicinity of the Park.’

‘But they just gave me odd bits of advice about crowd control psychology...’

‘Ah! No, this is more personal. What I think he wants is for you, using your exceptional waitress come Maître d’hôtel skills, is to place yourself between him and the guests.’

‘You’re joking!’

‘You understood that one all right.’

‘Too bloody right!’

‘An uppity French president, who’s clearly been pussy-whipped his entire life. An East German house-frau, who from the look of her has been enjoying sugary fancies under the table for decades - and a US president who between falling asleep at regular intervals, is determine to show his virility!’

A week or so later we found ourselves sitting in the car in the abandoned carpark at the Park, staring at the locked-up house. We’d each received our orders via text - me from some Cabinet Office official, she from her new ‘handler’ - to be there at eight-thirty sharp.

‘We’re twenty minutes early!’

‘Well, I am a little anxious I suppose.’

‘So, just what work on this place is going to magically get done?’

‘That rather depends on how many personnel we’re allowed. A couple of gardeners - with their high-tech machinery - gets the golf course finished. Finding three or four underemployed workers from the National Truss gets the inside tarted-up. Plus, four or five of the regular staff need to be allowed back in pretty soon. The big question mark, will be communications.’

‘How come?’

‘Only the ballroom and the two adjacent withdrawing rooms have fibre optics, connecting to the antennae and the dish on the roof. All the other Wi-Fi comes via the landline telephone network, I don’t even know how far we are from the end of the fibre optic roll-out.’

‘Surely if they want more than we’ve got, they’ll have to pull springs?’

‘Absolutely. But there is a certain amount of negotiation required over who pays and presumably the work would have to start soon.’

‘There’ll come a point won’t there when you’ll lose control of the conference, I mean the whole place.’

‘Yes, and I’m reliably informed that although the contract will have a date, these things creep up on you, more and more people you know nothing about start arriving and you gradually become side-lined. I suspect you will be the only one truly on the inside come the four days. The only other people you’ll really know will be confined to the kitchen and the office.’

‘If you’ve been reading Buffy right.’

‘Indeed. Hello! A flashing light, car and mobile, well I’ll be damned. Open your window.’

‘Chopper approaching, one o’clock, Merlin.’

‘Ah. Markings?’

‘Can’t tell, just looks greyish black.’

‘Close the window.’

‘These notifications indicate someone on my network in the vicinity. Someone on that chopper and defiantly not the two people we are here to meet, someone extra.’

‘The man himself.’

‘I hope not, I know for a fact he’s meant to be opening a factory in Pontefract!’

‘Who then?’

‘Not telling, I’m having a little bet with myself.’

‘But surely you could go to, whatever counts as an address book in that system of yours?’

‘Sure, but if I open it, he, I’m assuming it is a he, will know.’

‘Oh, yes?’

‘The lights flashed, because my kit picked-up his personal device on which he was searching to see if we were here. There’s always a way of knowing.’

‘Did he know, you’d know, if he located you?

‘I don’t know.’

We saw the group of suits for just a few seconds as they came along the path from the helipad. ‘I’m none the wiser.’

‘I am,’ said Charlie. I turned my head.

‘Ha! He’s pretending to be nonchalant; he’d have had to run to get here in that time.’

‘The black mask is a bit scary.’

Our visitor opened the driver’s side door. ‘Charlie! Wonderful to see you again, like old times ya?’

As she jumped out, she said; ‘He knew it was you, didn’t tell me though, lights flashing everywhere.’

‘Thanks a bunch Charlie. Discretion is more important than ever if we’re to pull this one off.’ I replied.

‘Don’t listen to the man, you’re a star, all the Navy flyers love you.’

‘What?’

‘This place, always on the fight path for them and the RAF, what with the camp on the top of the Moor, Marine training only a few miles away, everyone using the coast to navigate. Last eighteen months, they’ve all seen the transformation in the grounds...’

‘Barmy, what the hell are you doing here?’ I interrupted.

‘Navy in charge of the whole thing, controlling the air space, we’re offshore right now, those guys were inspecting the airport an hour ago, we provide the transport.’

‘You know what I meant.’

‘I’m their link man, I know the inside here, besides I’m the only person on the flagship who can get into the club portal.’

‘So, who came with the chopper?’

‘Your Cabinet Office guy, Charlie’s protection guy, the other three are spooks of some description.’

‘That’s all we need!’

‘But best bit is, according to your guy, Buffy and Carrie are the only ones in Downing St. who can access the portal, so you know, they go around showing it off to the select - good work, Heptonstall right?’

Then the house alarm system went off.

‘Oh my God!’ said Charlie.

‘Can’t even force a window.’ I said, as an aside to Barmy.

‘Shouldn’t we do something?’ She exclaimed.

‘Hang-on a second, I’ll check whose sleep-in caretaker this week. Ha! Charlie, tell your “asset” to let the burglars in.’