2: Sparkwell and the quivering hand

‘I say old man, who’s that girl sitting at the wheel of your Sports?’

‘Hardly a girl Tuffy, she’s my new PA.’

‘I wouldn’t have thought you needed one?’

‘Neither did I, until I met her.’

‘Still, bit of a looker, healthy sporty type I should think?’

‘Fully qualified yoga teacher, and sports injury masseuse.’

‘Gosh, she could make a fortune around here.’

‘That’s precisely why she won’t allow me to sign her in, she doesn’t approve of the Park.’

‘Still, she was happy enough to chauffeur you here, eh!’

‘Yes, I rather think she wants to keep an eye on me. Thinks the place is a secretive hideaway for the rich, where we indulge in bad dietary habits, too much alcohol and unenlightened sexual practices.’

‘But it is.’

‘Quite.’

‘Does she know your Uncle had a hand in setting it up?’

‘Never mind that, how’s she going to react when she finds out I’m Chair of the dining committee?’

‘You must put your foot down, don’t let the hired hand get above itself.’

Should I try and explain my situation to Tuffy? No of course not. We’d been at school and university together, but how he ever passed an exam in anything is beyond even my powers of deduction. He’d noticed Charlie all right, but not the fact I was still sat here at the bar, drinking mineral water, whilst the rest of the lunchtime crowd were feeding their faces in the dining area. 'I must be off. I have to prepare a Tea for the Aunt.’

‘What’s her name?’

‘What? Tuffy you’ve met all my relatives on multiple occasions.’

‘No, I meant the name of your new girl.’

‘She’s not my girl, she’s Sparkwell.’

I was half way to the door when he shouted out for all to hear; ‘I say, she’s probably pinched that motor of yours by now.’

That got my attention and I returned briefly, gesturing with my mobile. ‘Perhaps she has, it would be of little consequence. This device not only connects to the security at the apartment, but the location and activity of the car’s computer, it also, as of a few days ago, tracks the device you saw her playing with as you arrived - I gave it to her as a work phone.’

Back at the car Sparkwell’s face was indeed in her screen. ‘Something truly weird just happened, I asked it a question and it replied in your voice.’

‘Yes, I thought I’d give it a try. It seemed a legit thing to do since it’s meant to be a work phone. Uses some code written by a pal of mine as it happens.’

‘But it talked about stuff you know nothing about, it, you knew all about me, you sounded like everyone I’ve ever known!’

‘It’s only my voice and speech patterns given to a single device; like any computer it only has the data you’ve given it, what you’ve downloaded, what you’ve searched for, plus the very limited amount it can learn from your voice.’

‘Oh my God.’

‘Once it’s learnt a bit more, it should be the voice you want to hear. It won’t wind you up the way I do!’

She countered; ‘Finished all your business at your club?’

‘Just a small commission, and a brief chat with the chap who clocked you when he arrived.’

‘He ogled.’

‘Well, that’s Tuffy for you.’

‘What did you tell him?’

‘Just enough to wet his appetite.’

‘What!’

‘Don’t panic, there’s method in my madness, within an hour my entire network will know I’ve got a new girlfriend fifteen years my junior with whom I’m so smitten I even let her drive my most treasured possession.’

‘But, why?’

‘Because, like it or not, my aunt, the self-appointed head of the family is coming for tea this afternoon. She will inspect the apartment, inspect me, pass judgement on my character and in return expect her usual tea served from the family tea service with a couple of sugary fancies on the side to keep her going till dinner time.’

‘Christ!’

‘However, she will be pleasantly surprised to discover a deferential employee who might just be the answer to her dreams.’

‘How come?’

‘All you have to do is serve tea in your own way, but in a respectful, know your place sort of a way, and think; how can I help this woman?’

Outwardly I maintained a calm and certain manner. Inwardly I thought if this goes belly-up we’re both in the shit. There is a time for standing up to Aunts, and a time for knowing where one’s best interests lie. Wisely I thought, Sparkwell had changed into her new suit. Unsurprisingly the intercom buzzed at four o’clock prompt. ‘Now then Charlie, just wait five seconds, then open the door.’

‘Mrs Hayward? I’m Charlotte Sparkwell, your nephew’s new assistant, do come in. May I take your coat?’

‘Er, thank you.’

‘Welcome! Welcome once more to my humble abode, seems but yesterday, care for the new décor, the new ambience?’

‘Oh do stop blathering Anthony! I’ve had a most vexing day so far.’

‘Really?’

‘First a most unsatisfactory consultation at the clinic, then a frankly bewildering conversation with Brinkley at the accountants, then at lunch, to hear from one of my oldest friends, rumours that you have embarked on yet another clandestine relationship...’

‘How embarrassing for you, I trust I shall be able to, clarify the situation. Tea in five minutes, if you would Charlotte.’

‘My pleasure.’

‘Of course I’m not one for taking idle gossip at face value... How strange, now you come to mention it, there is a soothing aroma to this room. Most unusual.’

‘I should just say, that although Ms Sparkwell is here in an administrative capacity, she has volunteered to undertake some domestic responsibilities.’

‘Anthony dear, why do you need an administrative assistant? I presume it will mean you taking even more money from the trust?’

‘Technically, yes. But if you’ve been talking to Brinkley you’ll know that over the last few years the trust’s overall assets have increased considerably.’

‘That is precisely what I don’t understand, how in such dire economic times can the trust be expanding so much in the face of your continuing profligacy and my unavoidable medical expenses. Can you explain it? Brinkley seemed to think it was all down to judicious investments made some years ago in what he called ‘Internet Start-ups’, whatever they may be, which have now been sold off for some reason. Frankly I worry from whom they take advice.’

‘Perhaps he should be congratulated?’

‘You still haven’t answered my question. You have more time on your hands than most.’

I lent forward and adopted a confidential tone. ‘Well, I’m rather hoping she’ll take care of my media, keep the emails in check, keep the begging letters down and the more tiresome of my friends off my back...’

‘Really! I’ve never heard such incomprehensible inconsequential nonsense.’

‘Tea, Mrs Hayward?’

‘Oh, thank you dear, I must say it’s nice to see a young woman so soberly dressed, so rare these days, I fear my nephew is always somewhat over dressed, what his grandmother would have called, “like some American Dandy”, you must waste a fortune on button holes alone.’

‘I hope you’ll forgive my choice of tea, it’s been recommended to me for its medicinal qualities. I am hoping to persuade your nephew to pursue a more, restrained diet.’

‘Oh! I do so agree.’

‘Forgive my saying so madam, but I couldn’t help noticing your hands. I should say that in my former life I studied sports science, trained in physiotherapy and massage techniques for sports injuries. I was curious as to what treatments you’ve been able to access?’

‘Oh my dear, I’ve tried everything! Why just this morning my tiresome doctor tried to fob me off with more pills, what he insisted were “a new more sophisticated form of pain relief”, complete nonsense...’

It was then I concluded the moment had come to tune-out and let Charlie ‘take point’. I allowed my mind to wander. It seemed but a matter of seconds before Aunt Elisabeth was on her feet and being guided towards the ‘treatment room’, formerly known as my spare bedroom.

I must have dosed off, for the next thing I heard was, ‘..he’s lived a completely wasted life you know, shown no inclination whatsoever towards a career, a wife, children…  Wake-up Anthony, I’m leaving, I shall be in touch... Now I don’t know what he is paying you, but I’m sure a little extra... ’