3: Tuffy and the female of the species

‘Morning, sir.’

I opened my eyes only to find Sparkwell staring down at me, hands on hips and entirely naked, a moment later I realised the duvet had been pulled back. ‘Is the building on fire?’

‘No! It’s time to move to phase two of the programme, from now on we will be showering together, I wash you first, then you wash me.’

I followed her to the bathroom. ‘I should take a pee…’

She nudged me toward the cubical. ‘Just let-go, whenever you feel like it.’ It didn’t surprise me to find the shampoo, conditioner, assorted soaps and the flannel, all gone. ‘This is a bar of the simplest vegetable soap, we use it only on the armpits, arse and genitals. Your hair will return to its natural condition within a couple of weeks. No kneeling by the way, only squatting.’

Afterwards, whilst we were towelling each other off, and I was taking instruction on her hair, Charlie brought me up to speed. ‘There was a text from last night, your school chum Mr Tufnell requested an urgent meeting. I replied that today’s consultations would be at Macy’s from 11,00 am.’

‘He probably imagines himself in love again.’

‘Do you have an App for that?’

‘No, but I damn well should have. I’ll think on it. You know I’m sure I’m losing weight.’

‘You are. But it has to be in the right places. The diet won’t work without the right exercise at the right time, with the right intensity and the right body movements. We need to remove the premature ageing. But first I’ll have to loosen you up. We begin basic yoga this afternoon.’

‘Is there a principal to all this Charlie, you know I’m better with concepts than practicalities.’

‘Follow my arse, twenty-four seven.’

‘I always have.’

‘Push me, it’s what puts the smile on my face.’

‘I felt that.’

‘I’ll lay out our clothes for the day, sir.’

‘Tuffy old man, who amongst your regiment of relatives and friends really makes you jump-to?’ I asked as we settled at the corner table.

‘Well, quite a few of them put the fear of God into me.’

‘Yes, I get that, but fear isn’t exactly the best motivator in the long term is it? I mean who’s authority do you really respect, who’s the person you instinctively like the most, the person who, at the end of the day, you would obey because you knew it was the right thing to do?’

‘Gosh, well um, it’s hard to say...’

‘Tuffy! Whose image flashed across your mind as I spoke a moment ago?’

That forced a pause. ‘No, that’s - perverse.’

‘I believe you. Well, go and find five minutes of audio of his or her voice, give it to me, along with your device, then I’ll fix it so you can use it only via voice activation and the virtual assistant.’

‘No way! Anyhow, we’re not here to discuss your latest hacking schemes. Don’t you think Fiona is just the most wonderful girl you’ve ever met?’

‘Hard to say on the basis of a few minutes standing in a queue, with you desperate for her to serve you that ludicrous drink, plus the double chocolate chip muffin thing, and the toasted what’s it - which has already disappeared I notice.’

‘It was an instant click.’

‘Just as it was with all your other five day flings, now too numerous for you to remember.’

‘Passing fancies alas. This is the real thing.’

‘They always are. Tuffy, you have the worst case of Waitress Affective Disorder the world has ever seen.’ Suddenly there was a muffled cough, clearly Sparkwell was now lurking, rather than just skulking in the background.

‘I say old man, that’s not quite what one expects from an old and trusted friend.’

‘I’m surprised your sundry carers haven’t dragged you off to the consulting rooms of the notorious Dame Alicia Dolby. Come to think of it, she’s one of your lot, isn’t she? Twice removed or something.’

‘Who, she?’ murmured Charlie.

‘Our great nation’s leading looney doctor, Chair of the Royal College of Mentalists, and when called upon, Turnkey-in-Chief to the sons of gentlewomen. Besides, you shouldn’t ask, young Sparky, you should search - that’s what your new “top of the range” device is for.’

‘According to Mother, the Dame’s latest thing is the PMCS, the Pre-Marital Compatibility Scale - can you believe it?’

‘Out to undermine the “relationship guidance” market eh! You know, those types get away with it because people only turn-up after the trouble has started, then the therapist strings it out by claiming they can fix all. Well, they’re ripe for the taking, even with only the merest whiff an evidence base.’

‘Apparently if you score less than seventy-five per cent the whole thing’s off, less that fifty and you’re whipped into treatment right away. Of course it all depends on what kind of Plan you’re on.’

‘Look old chap, I don’t mean to be brutal, but you do realise your pretty lass is being nice to all the customers, especially the chaps, that way they spend more, it’s her job! She even uses more or less the same words with every bloke likely to put his hand in his pocket.’

‘But she let me buy her lunch the other day, she was hanging on my every word.’

‘Tuffy, these chain store coffee shops send their staff on training days just to learn how to butter-up the punters, they even have names for this kind of stuff, like “The Script” or “The Conversation”. You know all about this Sparkwell, you’ve done a bit of waitressing in your time.’

‘I really couldn’t say, sir.’ That made me pause, she hadn’t sir-ed me outside the confines of the flat or car before.

As we strolled home along the Prom, Sparkwell turned and confronted me. ‘You were bit strict with me back there.’

‘But, you sort of, like that?’

‘Not in public.’

‘Tuffy counts as public? Yes, of course he does. I’m sorry.’

Then, with just the hint of a chin thrust, she declared; ‘Never apologise, never explain.’

‘Then I’ll take it as read you already knew this Fiona sort, knew her place of work and that she was the object of the affections of the aforementioned?’

‘Naturally. You were a bit hard on him too, glib. I mean he’s the real thing isn’t he, a toff and a bit of an idiot? Whilst you lay it on, to disguise what you’re really up to.’

‘It’s all there for those with eyes to see. And it takes one to know one.’

‘All’s fair in love and war.’

‘First we try, then we trust.’

During our first yoga session, Charlie took me through breathing while standing and moving, the core, the centre - where all movement should begin and end. She did it by placing me behind her and by talking to the wall rather than face to face. ‘All movement changes our perspective, therefore emotions and thoughts change too.’ That’s when it hit me. One of those “the entire world has got it back to front” moments. Afterwards she left her mat where it was, in front of the bookshelves, squatting there for what seemed an age. ‘You’ve been sitting for more than ten minutes’ she said, without looking around.

‘I know, lost in thought. You’re more than welcome to read anything from my library by the way.’

‘I like to focus on the pattern of the colours, the odd titles. There’s no order to them though.’

‘That’s because the order is in the contents. They’re arranged by subject matter, but in one long continuous historical timeline. A lot of it isn’t events though, rather the history of ideas. About ten years ago I realised I couldn’t  get any further with computer tech without learning other stuff...’

‘Dining in tonight are we?’

‘I am, are you?’