16: Banished!

‘This is becoming absurd; it was bizarre before - now I don’t know what it is. What time is it?’

‘One o’clock darling.’

‘No wonder I’m feeling peckish.’

‘I’ll start on lunch’ said Charlotte.

‘Er, hold off a minute, if you would, someone youngish should hear this, might make more sense.’

Uncle seemed to take a very depth breath and sit more upright, steeling himself for the effort to come. ‘The other shareholders and the general committee got the report more or less the same time we did. The committee actually met between ten and about eleven, they didn’t come to any conclusions, just ended up trying to work out if they’d got it all straight in their heads, however; just before they broke-up they got a note from the other investors, your forty per cent as it were, responding with one voice for the first time in living memory, saying that if there is any prolonged disruption to revenues they will have to consider withdrawing their investment altogether. Now, that didn’t go down at all well. So, as you might expect, as twelve o’clock approached there were a fair number of the committee, along with some of the investors, lined-up alongside the members who usually loiter, in the lounge, in expectation of the bar opening. Now, get your head around this, five past twelve and someone announces to the whole bar, that he will pick up the tab for free champagne for anyone inside the clubhouse between then and one o’clock!’

‘How remarkable, the joy of giving.’ I couldn’t resist.

‘You haven’t heard the strangest bit. This announcement was followed by instant cheering and the tossing in the air of anything to hand, including sundry bread rolls placed on the tables not five minutes before, in expectation of lunch! The secretary has just confided that this all happened so quickly, he is firmly of the opinion that many of those present were there precisely because, they had anticipated such an eventuality.’

‘Well, well, well. But somehow your observant, man-on-the-spot, failed to notice who made the offer?

‘He says the man’s back was towards him and the light was against him. What do you make of all that Charlotte?’

‘Er, that men gossip as much as women, that everyone’s been rumour mongering for weeks, and someone likes the way things are turning out? How does everyone feel about cured ham; goat’s cheese, a tomato salad and a bottle of sweet white on the side?’

‘Excellent’ I interjected.

‘Bravo, I’ll give you a hand.’ Added Julia.

‘Well, Tony?’

‘All seems very satisfactory to me, so far.’

‘And now what?’

‘The people most likely to buy the shares are the very people with their noses to the trough right now, but they are also the best informed about the nature of the investment. Approaching anyone outside of the Park, gets the reply, show me what’s on offer, which right now can only appear a bit iffy. I think the Secretary should have hung on another ten minutes before giving you his situation report. If you’ll excuse me a moment.’ I took out my mobile and endeavoured to do a little catching-up.

‘Well?’

‘You know, I always think any scheme intended to influence the behaviour of three or more people, some of whom are quite unaware of their intended role in the proceedings, is fraught with mishap. But, one enthusiastic individual witnessed by many others, who just act like an audience, well, let’s see…’ I pressed video on, ‘yes, activated eleven minutes, thirty-two seconds ago, so I shan’t go live, but start at the beginning.’ I turned the device towards Uncle.

‘Good lord, that’s Earnshaw!’

‘In full living colour and audio.’

‘I say,’ said the voice wearing the bodycam; ‘if you chaps really are nervous about the future, I wouldn’t mind investing a little in the old place, what sort of price were you hoping for?’

‘Well, this all very premature, but we really couldn’t entertain anything less than we paid for them.’

‘Gosh. You really are putting on a brave face! But you don’t really mean that do you. It’s the way it’s done isn’t it, you open with some ridiculous price, I’m expected to reply with say, a penny per share and we bargain away to some compromise, right?’

‘Wrong. You offer something very close to my price or I go elsewhere.’

‘Right. But suppose there is no elsewhere, and you and your mates truly are on the road to nowhere?’

‘I don’t follow.’

‘Much as we imagined - the lads and myself, that is.’ (Murmurs of approval could clearly be heard, off camera.) ‘Suppose the real situation is that the mine is worth something, quite a bit in fact, and the owner will only hand it over in exchange for your chaps forty per cent of the club, and that he can afford to wait, forever! I mean who really wants your shares, other than one of us. I mean we rather like things the way they are, don’t we boys?' (‘Hear, hear’ spoke a number of voices-off.) 'Someone was saying only the other day that the pond looked a bit like one of those exhibits in that art gallery, you know the one, in the old power station - worthless to most people, but find the right… A word to the wise old man, if someone should approach you on the quiet, with an offer you can’t refuse, my advice would be to bow-out with all the good grace you can muster.’ At which point the camera seemed to go blank for a moment, then cleared to show an empty seat and a half-eaten meal.

‘Well I think we’ve seen enough’ I said.

Uncle was quite for a moment, then: ‘Remember that time we had tea at the Park, couple of months ago?’

‘Of course.’

‘Your pal said something to Charlotte to the effect, “this was always the way it was at school; Tony would work it all out then duffers like us would spring into action.” Care to comment?’

‘Earnshaw is one of what I like to call “the Thatcherite Tendency”.’

‘So I’ve heard you say.’

‘The first thing he ever knew about me was that I’d been at school with quite a few of the others - he’s the sort of bloke who thinks that’s the most important thing you need to know about a person!’

‘A not so wily Yorkshireman then.’

‘Quite! Perhaps, perhaps it’s time that you threw Charlotte and I out, sent us home a week early due to me aiding and abetting this hostile takeover. Put the word about that I’m involved and that my actions threaten the investment of all the shareholders and general quality of life of the members.’

‘Buying time?’

‘Earnshaw is not without resources, he needs time to discover the truth for himself, throw a wobbly, calm down and somewhere private, sign on the dotted.’

15: Homeward bound

Now, where was I? (We’re back in the apartment now by the way, have been for about a week.) All this - below I mean - was about ten days ago now. So anyway…


Uncle retreated to the library for a couple of hours to read a forwarded copy of the report using Julia’s old PC, whilst Julia looked worried because she didn’t know what was going on, Charlie looked worried because she thought she did know what was going on and it didn’t sit well with her. I got it in the neck from both of them, again, for not being the least worried. Eventually we decided to make coffee and take it up in case Uncle had slipped into the depths of despond.

‘Are you alright?’

‘Yes, easier to take when one knows the facts. Just a few memories drifting back, stuff one overheard the adults talk about. Seemed to me as a child they were all obsessed with money, but you know they really didn’t have enough, forever selling-off bits of the estate, I remember now, someone did suggest selling the mineral rights, but the old Earl said it couldn’t be done on account of them having already been sold, back in the previous century. Never occurred to me what that implied, men toiling in the dark beneath one’s feet and all that.’

‘Darling, what are you talking about?’

‘Oh, sorry. I was looking at him. He knows what I’m talking about because it turns out it really is the kind of rock that matters, and damn it, there is a quick fix with the right mix of concrete because it will be as hard as the rock in no time. And after all it is only really a crack and not a hole.’

‘I’m still none the wiser.’

‘Oh yes of course, well it turns out matey did come back very briefly with whoever does his Geophys and he waded-out to the middle and waved his gadget over the hole, so they have it in 3D and know it’s just a crack in the roof of the shaft.’

‘Shaft! As in mine? Going down hundreds of feet?!’

‘No, no, calm yourself my dear, we don’t have mines like that around here, we have Adit mines, masses of them around the edges of the moors, you go straight into the hill horizontally’.

‘But the Park isn’t on a hill!’

‘Oh, but it is! You just don’t realise it because the new road has such a gentle gradient, when you approach via the old road, by the time you’re passing behind the woods you’ve realised that when you crossed the river bridge just before, you were well above the pond, almost to the height of the top of the house and that the source of the river can only be at most a quarter of a mile behind you, hence you’ll never get more than a large pond and you’ll always sound pretty pretentious if you go around calling it a lake! You don’t look convinced. You know you are going up, when you take all those curves before the river, right? But by that time, you’ve actually come two and a half miles from Grimpen Cross where the old road starts.’

‘Fresh coffee anyone?’

‘Thankyou Charlotte, gosh, I didn’t notice you slip-out.’

‘Anyway, that’s by the by, because we’re all shafted, we can’t start or finish the rest of the Park, and make it a real going concern without going back and forth time and again to get permissions from whoever has taken the ground from under our feet; he’ll have his price, and a dozen legit reasons to delay whenever it suits him.’

‘What do you mean ‘whoever’, doesn’t it say in the report?’

‘The last mention in the registry is of the people who bought it in 1932 being dissolved, now the assets, in so far as there are any, must have passed to someone but… that’s his masterstroke, the weasel!’

‘Tony, your Uncle seems to think you know all about this, so does Charlotte, now in two sentences of plain English, if you wouldn’t mind.’

‘I was simply approached by a London solicitor who thought I might care to know that the old mine under the Park had recently changed hands. I take it you don’t want me to name names, need to know and all that’ I said, turning to Uncle.

‘Damn right I don’t, we’ll all need some deniability by the time this is over. Now, you’ve taken some position in this, Charlotte said you held a “pretty good” hand, I don’t think that is going to be good enough, what makes it unbeatable going into this deal?’

‘Well, the thing is what they really want is no deal at all. The conclusion of business, as it were, is them gifting the original mineral rights to the Park company itself.’

‘Oh, Christ! Here we go. Get it over with, how much per share?’

‘One penny.’

‘If this is some kind of a joke!’

‘Well, only if the mine isn’t worth anything to anybody. The only unbeatable hand is one where you and I stick together, no matter what. The thing is they want forty per cent, but they don’t care where that comes from - they rather thought they’d leave that up to me.’

‘Or else?’

‘Nothing, a delay is a delay, nothing happens and goes on happening.’

‘Surely we can put a stop to this, there must be regulations.’

‘My dear, we don’t know who they are because they are not registered yet, we don’t know how long they have left before they have to register because we don’t know when the purchase, or gift or transfer of whatever to whoever occurred; we don’t know when the crack happened or how it happening, how long the pond was draining away before anyone noticed. We don’t have any way of knowing if anyone has acted other than within the law, or the spirit of the law! All we have is laughing boy here telling us if we do it his way all will be rosy in the fucking garden! So, my dear boy, what would you advise?’

‘None of the shares have to come from you, or indeed the small investors.’

‘Oh marvellous! Some city boys want to clear out the ones we already have, the devil we know for the devil we don’t, goodbye cosy country club, hello the next country house hotel with gated community attached.’

‘All this mystery sounds a bit unconventional for city types, don’t you think? Anyway, I think the question of the hour, or perhaps the rest of today, is why now?’

‘So, what is happening at the mine, right now?’ Julia asked.

‘Bugger all I shouldn’t wonder, although these places do often have a regular stream of cavers going in. Not that they care much for these mines, but they are a bit nerdy, they want be able to say they’ve bagged every underground manmade whatever in the country and all that.’

‘You described the territory from the driver’s point of view, I assume you’ve walked it all at some point.’

‘Of course. Obviously, I missed one mine entrance, still they are pretty small and often overgrown. I suppose it must be decades since Julia and I have been to some of the more isolated places… Oh my god, it is in report, it has to be, I just can’t read it.’ Uncle went back to the screen. ‘Ha! Fancy going skinny dipping my dear?’

‘No, I do not, I thought we’d decided all that was done with at our age!’

‘Well, I’m afraid we couldn’t now even if we wanted to, least not at the same spot.’

Now, seemed as good a moment as any I was likely to get, so I walked over to Uncle and turned the screen through forty-five degrees or so. ‘They’ve given current figures for the water table presumably.’

‘That’s what I mean, but that cross section...’

‘So, seen from this angle, with the land rising all the way, that must be approximately north. So now it all comes out there, wherever there is, at more or less the same rate as it ever did.’

‘How can you know that? You’re town not country - as I keep trying to explain to you.’

‘I don’t have to, the likes of us have off the shelf software that does it all for us, adjusts for a flat screen, but in the actual data, will give you accuracy down to the last millimetre sometimes, even allows for the curvature of earth in the real data, but distorts for the sake of a good enough visualisation in two dimensions.’

‘Wait a minute, they may be using you as a middleman, but they won’t have told you what all this means.’

‘Sorry, full story has to wait till they have their forty per cent.’

Then the telephone rang, again.

This time we all heard Uncle’s side of the conversation, although it didn’t help the others much. It did tell me though, that there hadn’t yet, been any unintended consequences at the Park!

14: Charlie in the great outdoors

'She's handy with that axe!'

‘Yes.’

‘It’s the upper body strength I suppose?’

‘Well, it helps – along with the balance, good coordination, focus; but most of all, she knows how to take instruction!’

‘What?’

‘She understands how to put principles into practice. I told her, rule one; let the tool and gravity do the work.’

‘So, it’s all down to you is it?’ Uncle exclaimed.

‘No, not at all, she’s probably using less energy than you or I would – and we’ve done a bit of it all our lives!’

It was fine enough for lunch outside again. Julia, Charlie and I were well stuck-in before Uncle put in an appearance. ‘I’ve just had the rummy-est of phone calls, in a lifetime time of rummy phone calls.’

‘Oh dear, who was it darling?’

‘Secretary of the Park, said he’d been hanging on for days hoping to sort the thing out himself, but now he felt he just had to tell me everything!’

‘Sounds intriguing.’ I chipped in.

‘You might not think so when I’ve told you! Apparently, the pond got so low about ten days ago everyone could see where there must be some sort of hole. They all had a pow-wow, then he rang the council whilst someone rang a friend who’s a top-notch land surveyor. Council man turns up the next day, spends five minutes on the bank, then says the lads with the red plastic barriers, stripy tape and whichever yellow warning signs are applicable, will be around the following day. Then the obligation would be on us to commission the relevant report from the appropriately certified whoever! Anyway, day after health and safety goes up, matey’s friend turns up, he spends fifteen minutes walking back and forth on the bank, then says his report will be with us in ten days. Some joker says: “Well aren’t you even going to get your wellies out of the four by four?” No, he says it can all be done with an Internet search; Ordnance Survey since, I think he said it was some time in the1860’s when they finally turned up in our neck of woods, the Geological Survey, then for any old works like the house and grounds - whoever has the old County Records Office archive. Onward and upward, all the way to the present day. The ten days are up tomorrow, which is why the Sec’s got the willies.’

Uncle stopped, there was a very long pause, none of us had anything to say. Then turning to me: ‘Well, should we go over tomorrow?’

‘We!’ I exclaimed.

‘Yes, I need a bagman on these occasions, you know just the moment to hand me a note with the right kind of wrong question written on it!’

‘My advice would be to sit back, chill-out and let your employees handle it.’

‘Would it, would it indeed. I’ll be the one picking up the bill if it’s serious, which I suspect it is, because it has never even dried up before - I know because I used to visit as a child when my distant relative owned it. You’re looking very cool about this Tony, whilst Charlotte’s doing a lot of face-touching! Now you can poker-face Julia and me, always could, but you can’t her - which I suppose is why you two are together in the first place.’

Then Julia came in, bang on cue: ‘You shouldn’t have given your Uncle that body language book by the ex-FBI chap, reads it more often than he cares to admit.’

‘Well Charlotte, what do you know about all this?’

‘You shouldn’t ask!’

‘I know I shouldn’t, but he dropped hints about this weeks ago, intended to be helpful, yet I don’t know.’

‘He holds a pretty a strong hand.’

‘Does he? Thank you for that. Your girl’s starting to talk, you should be mad as hell by now, yet you sit there...’

‘Reggie! That’s enough. You know perfectly well Tony will intervene when necessary, if necessary, if our welfare is concerned.’

‘Slippery bugger though.’

Then I couldn’t resist: ‘It’ll take them ages to work out what the report means anyway, and whether or not there are any serious implications at all! Perhaps one wheelbarrow of quick drying concrete around the hole will do it.’

‘Oh, do shut up Tony!’ said Charlie.

‘Hey ho, fiddly dee, life is but a dream,’ she almost sang, as we siesta-ed at her makeshift encampment in the woods. ‘Is it fair, scheming, when it’s your own family?’

‘It worked perfectly.’

‘How?’

‘You only missed one thing, the layout of the table. I was sat opposite Julia, who knows me better than anyone. You were sat opposite Uncle. But physically, Uncle and I were sat closest. Staring straight into someone’s eyes, is ultimately oppositional, not cooperative! Besides, Uncle will like you even more now, you gave him something, when he was expecting nothing.’

‘Ah, Miss Charlotte, the very person…’

‘Mr Gregson.’

‘Oh, Bob please, we’re all getting to know you now. I was wondering if you could help me with something, you know all about alternative this, and alternative that. It’s the old, old problem I’m afraid, what counts as organic? What the EU thinks it is, is never what us ordinary mortals think, is it! I’m told you know France… well then, you’ll understand how French wine somehow managed to write the rulebook on what the EU considers organic, dragged their feet for eight years if memory serves…’

‘I really don’t know anything about rules and regulations Mr Greg, eh Bob!’

‘The thing is they managed to get sulphur included within the definition of organic, well I suppose they had to, nasty stuff to work with, but takes some people worse than others…’

‘Oh! I see, you want me to spray the vines?’

‘You’d go down well with his Lordship.’

‘I’ll decide who goes down well Gregson, you can call me Sparkwell.’

It was at breakfast the following day that everything got kicked into touch for the interim. The telephone rang and Uncle was forced to leave his toast to get cold.

‘There’s really no need for you to go to all this trouble Charlotte.’ Our hostess asserted.

‘I don’t mind, I was awake early.’

‘There’s something different about you today, very neat. Very stylish you understand, but what with your excellent posture, you don’t half look like you’re butler-ing my dear, quite reminds me of the old days.’

‘I am in Mr Anthony’s employ madam.’

‘Tony! No, on second thoughts I don’t want to know. I’m not Elisabeth, I have no interest whatsoever in your private life, if you two have got some, sub/dom thing going, good luck to you.’

‘But it works! In public, we’ve crash-tested it several times in big hotel lobbies. Well you know yourself; you’ve complained about it when visiting friends, being interrupted all the time by PAs, personal trainers fusing about, paying to have their personal crimpers come to the house.’

‘I cut Reggie’s hair myself.’

‘Exactly. And when you watch them you can see they’re all trying to work out when they should be walking two steps behind... whilst Charlie can move from skulking to loitering to hovering like a hot knife through butter.’

‘Disaster! The whole thing,’ interrupted Uncle coming in from the hallway.

‘Whatever’s happened?’

‘6am on the dot, email attachment, nearly forty pages; he hasn’t got beyond the first item in the summary, says it all, easy to fix - but it’s not ours to sodding fix!’

13: Charlie's country pursuits

‘Go on, you know you want to.’

‘But won’t we be in trouble before we’ve even arrived?’

‘Not once they see me run around with the rake immediately afterwards. Now, everything fully manual, centre of the drive, start your manoeuvre level with the front door, immediately after stopping, straight out the drive and around the back as usual.’

‘Holy shit!’

She did it very well, just a slight hesitation before exiting the drive. ‘Some of it hit the windows, I’m sure,’ she exclaimed.

‘Don’t panic, now I’ll get the rake, you do the bags and if you’re quick you might be able to get to the window at the top of the main staircase and take a picture of your handiwork before it disappears. Go!’

It was Julia who appeared at the front entrance moments after I’d begun re-sculpturing the gravel, adopting my most Zen-like manner. ‘School’s out for summer, I take it?’

‘I couldn’t stop her.’

‘Bollocks! You know what my husband just said, after not batting an eyelid; “That boy’s getting above himself”.’ I touched my forelock. ‘Charlotte! Come down at once.’ The echo from the stairwell carried a remarkable distance.

‘They’re expecting you in the library, sir. Miss Charlotte is there already, she’s been forgiven, but they’ve convening some kind of kangaroo court for you.’

‘Thank you Gregson, I know the form, bit before your time but this used to be a regular occurrence.’

‘I don’t doubt it, sir.’

‘What is the actual damage?’

‘Hard to say, the glass along the front has numerous chips and not a few minor cracks, difficult to tell what was done when. But I expect you already knew that.’

‘What ho, one and all.’

‘You have some explaining to do young man.’ Uncle was standing at the fireplace, warming himself against a non-existent fire. ‘The price of our forgiveness is that you give a full and frank account to your beloved aunt, and tireless carer one might add in days of yore, as to how Mrs Tufnell has come to believe the sun shines out of your sorry arse!’

‘I bumped into her the other day, she couldn’t stop talking about how you’d been supporting Tuffy, researching treatments, making sure it was all covered by his health plan, asking her about Alicia Dolby and her clinic, reminiscing about the old days when I used to shepherd you and Tuffy back and forth, visiting Tuffy now he was back in his flat. And to cap it all how awful it must be for poor Alicia to have to resign from that Royal College job and cut back at the clinic due to ill health.’

‘Well, I had to chummy up to Tuffy’s mother the day before his transfer to make sure I’d got my facts right, gossip being what it is.’

‘Ha! Always wondered where the “thorough”, in thorough going bastard came from.’ Uncle’s retort was almost too much for Charlotte, she looked like she wanted to wet herself.

‘But Tony dear, he was off his Section, back home with his mother with a nurse therapist coming in every day in less than twenty-four hours. Now I know many people have thought for years she’s been providing dodgy treatments, but it is a private clinic, they’re allowed, buyer beware!’

‘Tuffy, had to be off the Section to get out, but not Informal, he had to be on a Community Treatment Order so the provider, had to provide a recognised treatment - a CBT qualified nurse in his case - so in turn the insurer had to pay.’

‘Okay, but I’m still not sure I get it.’

‘The electronic paper trail for the NHS, private providers and insurers is pretty much synchronised and locked down in the semi-private system we have now. The only way to make real money is when someone is in a clinic and you charge them cash for treatments that aren’t covered. So that can be anything, from getting promising new treatments fast, to vulnerable patients and families being ripped-off for years on end.’

‘So the system can be played,’ Uncle asserted. ‘You still haven’t explained precisely how you fixed it for Tuffy.’

‘Do I have to?’

‘Yes!’

‘Mrs Tufnell can walk into the Dolby Clinic any time she likes, to visit her poor son and discuss his care with her old friend and distant relative Alicia, if she feels duty bound to tell her son there might be a conflict of interest, questions of medical confidentiality and perhaps at the first sign of any paperwork he should make his old and trusted friend his Carer - after all hasn’t that friend already promised to get him out of there within twenty-four hours. Tuffy may be an idiot, but he’s not...’

‘And?’

‘So then I turn up, stick by Tuffy’s side like a limpet, saying only that Tuffy can’t pay and it all has to go on his Plan. Meanwhile his mother is automatically tracking down the boss and confiding all. After that, the staff who are actually looking after Tuffy rapidly arrive at the desired outcome.’

‘But, what about forcing her out of the Royal College?’

‘Oh, I know nothing about that. Although according to the staff some anonymous creep left a print, of a screenshot from some TED style video of her introducing the latest genetics and neuroscience, on her desk. On the back was some message about did this mean she was now going to drop her own research and therapies given that they were based on self-reported questionnaires, handed out by her personally and completed in her presence at the end of sessions, to less than twenty participants with no follow-up and no control group.’

‘I’ll make the tea.’

‘No, no Charlotte dear, you’re our guest. I’ll do that. Tell Tony about your penance.’

‘I’ll tell Tony about the verdict on poor Charlotte! You can sit down now by the way. She should’ve put her foot down, I mean not let herself be swayed by you. She’s to be confined to the woods for the duration, there to commune with nature and find spiritual enlightenment, and learn how to do a bit of coppicing. That reminds me, what do you know about charcoal burners?’

‘I beg your pardon?’

‘That’s high quality wood coming out of there, we have enough of the big stuff for the wood burning stoves, but the coppiced stuff would be ideal. Well?’

‘I’m not sure I’m in a cooperative mood having been dragged over the coals about standing by Tuffy.’

‘So you do know something. You understand the principles of most things, even if it’s others who end up doing the real work.’

‘I think it’s all about how much wood should be removed in total and the pace at which it is done. Traditionally one individual either does the work or supervises the whole wood; the selection of tress for firewood, the amount of coppicing, how much should stay on the ground, how much taken out, being mindful of where new trees are coming, acting as an ongoing presence in the woods to discourage the larger animals, selecting the really fine stuff for fencing and other woodcraft type uses, and what goes into the burner. Actually I think its two burners because you want to be able to start stacking up the next one, before the other one is cold. So yeah, it’s one person per so many acres, and their pace of work and multiple tasks ensures the woodland never gets depleted, or too dark and dense for regeneration and the balance of the flora and fauna.’

‘All that, off the top of your head?’

‘Well I don’t really know, I’m just trying to reason it out. Ask an expert.’

‘There aren’t any, according to Gregson, apart from the half dozen blokes in the country who can still do it - and they have a hard job explaining anything. I have technocrats designating my land ancient and protected, insisting on a management plan involving certificated workers with machines following a schedule, and Greens telling me the answer is to do nothing because it’s nature, well it’s not, it was planted by humans, only it just happened to be hundreds of years ago, I just wish I knew their practice.’

‘I stayed in a yurt once,’ said Charlie filling our glasses. ‘It was in a clearing, the ground around it was scorched, the forest was planted in regular rows but so dense everyone was scared to go in for fear of becoming disorientated, what’s the point if you can’t see the sun and shadows, feel the wind and change in temperature, which side is damp, navigate, know where to kip down so you’re never get too cold.’

‘Bravo Charlotte, I must get you to write something for the magazine. What are we drinking, Tony? It’s excellent, old I should think.’

‘You two don’t know your own cellar. Older than Charlotte.’

‘Bloody hell! My fault for letting you down there I suppose.’

‘North of the river, top of the hill.’

‘Oh, don’t start that!’

‘It was your father’s butler who told me about it, I was about seventeen, he’d just bought it, left it a bit late even then, pricey he thought, but worth it. I’ve been watching the labels drop off for the last twenty years.’

‘So what has pulling that cork cost me?’

‘Who knows, all sensible people have already drunk it.’

Julia cut in; ‘Well, knowing your tastes, the kind of bottle, it’s red, what you just said about dates means, the eighty-two Bordeaux?’

‘So? Famous little town on a little hill…’

‘St. Emilion’, said Charlie.

‘Well, bugger me!’

(That’s it for ‘season one’, this blog will resume when time permits!)

12: Sparkwell's ecotherapy

‘Tony, I’m worried about your aunt, that magazine of hers is driving her potty, it’s never made any money and never likely to. Sells mostly to Townies anyway, never ending articles squabbling about how come the country isn’t more like the city, or why you need new technology in order to be Green, never read such nonsense in my life.’

‘Yes, but surely she’s not involved in the day to day running of it, let alone the journalism, she’s just the founder and owner, she just has to make sure it doesn’t actually lose money and drop you in it.’

‘But that’s just the point, she can’t help getting involved, I tell her to delegate. You don’t see me telling Gregson how to plant potatoes.’

‘Well quite.’ We were propping up the bar at the Park, prior to Uncle’s annual inspection of his investment, and the giving of his nod to the accounts.

‘What would you do with “The Countrywoman”?’

‘The only thing I know about magazine publishing is that you don’t actual need a large or growing circulation, just low production costs. Ever wondered why in the age of the Internet the supermarket magazine racks have even more titles than ever before? It’s a few years back now, but there was a time not so long ago when you only needed sales of about thirty thousand.’

‘Fascinating. You always are a mine of information. Julia thinks you’ve made quite a bit on the side. Is that true?’

‘You’re a one for plain speaking.’

‘Don’t flatter me, I need an answer.’

‘I’ve been lucky, twice. Good timing. Sold a couple of Start-ups, put the money in the family trust which has very tight rules about safe investments. So, despite what my Aunt, Elisabeth Hayward may believe, she and I, and Charlotte come to that, won’t starve.’

‘Good lad. Now then, one of the ground staff was telling me a few minutes ago he’s worried the pond is drying up.’

‘Really.’

‘Seems despite the heavy rain this year, the level keeps falling, the Lord knows what one does about that, always was rather a feature of the place, totally artificial of course and somewhat diminutive, but nonetheless?’

‘I wonder if the committee has asked itself what the rock this estate sits on is made of?’

‘Don’t imagine they’ve ever given it a thought.’

‘Perhaps it’s the same stuff as this floor, didn’t this used to be part of the original terrace, open to the elements?’

‘Julia said she enjoyed that Tea you laid on, said it was a hoot. Better toddle off to that meeting I suppose, back here in an hour?’

On his way out, Uncle passed Sparkwell on her way in. Rather too loudly he said; ‘That employer of your's is a rogue, a rogue gentleman.’

‘I’m working on that, sir.’

‘Good.’

She drew up alongside. ‘Your Uncle just winked at me. What have you been saying to him?’

‘You don’t wanna know.’

‘Okay. I’ve just been insinuating myself at the spa.’

‘Excellent. I wondered why you’d stayed in your fitness trainer’s uniform today. What have you learnt?’

‘Plenty of members ask for a happy ending, but none of them get it.’

‘Well that’s a relief.’

‘Aromatherapy is a bit off.’

‘Really?’

‘Well it’s a small point, but one day it might be a health and safety issue, they use too higher concentration of oils, toxic if ingested or if too much gets absorbed. I know why they do, it’s because modern human’s consciousness of smell is fucked. It doesn’t have to be that way, you know that, after all you love having your tongue in me all the time.’

‘Yeah, but genital secretions during arousal, for want of a better phrase, are about individual genetic compatibility. Smells that trigger relaxation must have to be almost universal to be a practical therapy.’

‘And the treatment only fails if you make stupid claims for it. It is just the smell. The smell is the trigger for some unknown reaction in the brain, that’s all it is. Get the right smell in the toiletries, the background ambience, and you don’t even need special sessions. Can you take me for a walk in the woods or something?’

‘Sure, let’s go.’

‘Satisfied?’

‘For now.’

‘One day we’ll be caught, we’re barely off the path.’

‘Anywhere will do, as long as I have a tree to lean on. Don’t you think the yoga is making you more flexible?’

‘Sure, keeps me more focused too.’

‘Look! That rumour about the lake must be true. See, there’s definitely less of it.’

‘So there is. Of course, it’s when they find the hole and try to plug it that the fun will really start.’

‘You really are an utter bastard aren’t you?’

‘Occasionally, maybe.’

‘Your Uncle meant rogue as in rogue elephant, didn’t he?’

‘Well that was un-expectantly pleasant, if I’ve read these figures right I’ve now passed the point of getting my investment back from a decade ago, and even have a couple of grand in pure profit coming to me this year.’

‘Congratulations. What do your fellow investors think?’

‘Oh they never stop nit-picking, quite amusing to watch really, they think the way we’ve set up as an old fashioned club is stopping them from maximising their returns. You know the way these corporate suits talk is a lot like the civil servants from Whitehall or Brussels. No wonder they’re all Remoaners, its vested interests. They don’t like your lot either, seems they still can’t buy their way into controlling what happens online.’

‘Long may it last. Shall we take tea?’

‘Just as you like.’

Uncle, Charlotte and I sat together. Then Cat turned up rather breathlessly and asked to join us. ‘I’ve just been to see Tuffy, looks like death but they say he’s on the mend. He on the other hand is terrified of being delivered into the hands of the Dolby Clinic, can’t say I blame him. His parting words were; “Tell Tony to get me out of here before that woman gets to me”.’

‘Can’t be done old boy, he can’t be sprung until he’s actually at Dolby’s.’

‘Too much security you mean?’

‘No. Physical methods won’t work anyway. Any unit can be made secure in a matter of moments these days. What a unit is, or does is determined by the qualifications of the staff that are present at any moment in time. Psychological methods are better and faster - those who wanted him in, have to want him out, they themselves then fix the paperwork and facilitate his departure for us.’

‘This was always the way it was at school Charlie, Tony would work things out then duffers like Tuffy and me would spring into action. So, what’s next Tony?’

‘Simple, two people have to rapidly come to the conclusion that the most therapeutic place for Tuffy is to be tucked up in bed at home with an improving book - to wit, his mother and Dame Alicia.’

‘How on earth do we fix that?’

‘Dame Alicia must realise on day one, assessment day as it were, that letting Tuffy in is the worst mistake she could have made, threatening the whole future of her empire, but of course she’s done it at the bidding of Mrs Tufnell; she will then need to engineer a miraculous recovery, discover a misdiagnosis or whatever, and deliver him back to mother in triumph.’

‘Why would she do that?’

‘Strangely enough, the same reason she did the initial, so called favour.’

‘Burning eh, now that’s a double-edged sword Tony.’ Uncle was suddenly animated. ‘People become unpredictable, get the hump, stand on principle sometimes, decide to go down with the sinking ship if they think the world’s gotten to know their secret, get irrational.’

‘I’m thinking she just needs reminding how close to the fire she is actually sitting. Strange how the more unsullied a reputation people pursue, the more vulnerable they make themselves, don’t you think? Thanks for your enthusiasm Cat, but you can tell Tuffy I shall be handling his case alone, all you need to do is reassure him he’ll spend no more than one night at Dolby’s, perhaps not even that. Now then, how’s the Games Room coming along, I’m sure we’d all appreciate a guided tour...’