85: Picture perfect

‘Why am I doing this?’ Charlie complained as we sat at our side-by-side desks in the media room.

‘Because Julia asked you to.’

‘But I’m not a journalist, not even a photographer, just the trigger man for whatever you set up.’

‘It’s a picture feature Charlie, really only extended captions. The Countrywoman magazine’s first ever opportunity to upstage Hello!’

‘Then why aren’t you doing it, at least you understand what’s required?’

‘It has to be your voice, the one the readers are familiar with, I can polish it later.’

‘You know my voice, why not the other way around?’

‘Well, sometimes I’m not sure I do, I mean, a lot of the time you’re reacting to me, throwing back my expressions and attitudes, the uppity servant as you’ve expressed it in the past... I know! You said it was the best day, well what we need is your emotional response to the unfolding events. They’re your photos, what did you feel, in the decisive moment?’

Five minutes later. ‘Don’t we have somewhere we ought to be?’

‘Only when you’ve finished. We’ll drop by the gallery and buy Tuffy out, of his stock of cheapo picture frames.’

‘Why?’

‘Well, we have a goodly collection of souvenir editions of The Beacon now, I think we should display them, show off your accomplishments.’

‘You really do take after your Aunt Elisabeth, only whilst she was showing off the rest of her family and hiding your notoriety, you want the whole world to know!’

‘Actually, they’ll have to be somewhere fairly discrete otherwise the newsprint will fade.’

‘How about the loo?’

‘Too damp.’

‘We could display nice prints of the pictures that have found their way into The Beacon. There, done! On your screen any second.’

‘Okay, I see it, I’ll save it for later, lets get some fresh, sea air.’

‘I’ve never been so embarrassed in all my life; told I was letting the side down. They even had the gall to question my patriotism. They said now was not the time to criticise Buffy on account of him spearheading the international response to the threat to freedom in eastern Europe. Mackintosh was no help, said most of my evidence was inadmissible since the premises were hired out to others at the time.’

‘How’s your mother?’

‘Alright, I suppose. She’s got me going through father’s things with a fine toothcomb, as it happens.’

‘I always admired her sense of humour.’

‘Mother? What can you mean?’

‘Understated.’

‘Anyway, all his diaries seem to be written in some kind of code! Can’t make head nor tail of them.’ Then, looking at what we were holding; ‘You really could do better with frames you know.’

‘Oh, they’re just for newspaper cuttings, Charlie’s growing fame and fortune, don’t you know.’

‘Tony! How are you?’ Said the Lady Vic, rising from her subterranean office and billowing forth. ‘There’s something I want to show you next door, you’ll keep Charlotte company won’t you darling?’

‘Of course.’

‘Actually, I don’t have anything to show you.’ She said when we were alone. ‘I just wanted a word in confidence.’

‘Carry-on.’

‘This business about mother-in-law’s goods and chattels, what’s that all about? Has the potential to put old friends at loggerheads seems to me.’

‘Well, I’ve not actually spoken to her on the subject. But she has confessed in the past to not really understanding her late husband’s business affairs. She knows Tuffy never took an interest, but I did of course. He was, in the absence of my father, a bit of a role model, a mentor if you will.’

‘So, I understand.’

‘He did rather well in his time. She wants to do right by him, needs someone she knows who cares, to go through everything and make sure nothing useful or valuable is well, lost. It’s not that Tuffy doesn’t care, just that he can be a bit careless, at times.’

‘You really don’t need to be so diplomatic with me, darling. We do go back a long way. For example, Tuffy really doesn’t need to be so coy about his affection for Charlotte, anyone who can calm him down gets my vote.’

‘Quite, well it may be that at the end of the day I just come away with half a dozen of his father’s first editions, but it would be tragic if we all missed out on assets hidden away amongst his papers.’

‘Thank you. I’m sure we can keep him straight. Let’s go back.’ When we re-emerged, Tuffy could be seen helping Charlie carry the frames to the car. ‘He’s genuinely happy you know, being my general factotum.’

‘I believe it, he knows he’s useful. A rare thing in his life.’

‘Well, if you’re having The Beacon on display, I insist on having copies of my Countrywoman articles, they have nice illustrations as well as the woodcut of my masthead.’

‘Done. And location?’

‘Put them, in date order, starting on the far side of the hall, then they can creep up the stairs.’

‘Okay.’ Then the doorbell rang, it happened I was closest for once.

It was Melisa; ‘Can we talk?’

‘Of course, come on through.’

‘Mummy is being a pain, again. She wants me to stay at school and go into their sixth form. I was thinking of the college. You’re the only one who can bring her to heal. Congratulations by the way Charlotte, the whole town is talking about your coup with the royals. Mummy says the council are hopping mad, might bring them to their senses.’

‘Take a seat, let me ruminate a moment.’

‘Tea on the patio? Ten minutes?’ Suggested Charlie.

‘Excellent. Now then. Ah, I’ve got it. By the way, you should be looking towards your father when it comes to such matters, he understands the academic better.’

‘Daddy is in Boston, presenting his final report to his American controllers.’

‘Really! Now then, the key point is that the only really legitimate excuse for favouring the college at the end of the day is it’s size, it must be the one place offering the subjects, you need. Perhaps even the subjects insisted upon by your chosen universities - whether you end up going is another matter entirely of course. See what I’m saying?’

‘God! That’ll mean working through the whole damn prospectus and cross referencing to who knows what.’

‘It’s two years of your life! And if you can possibly bear it, it’s the subject you really want to do, plus English and Maths ‘A’ level.’

‘Boring.’

‘You’ll get the benefit. It’s more than likely that by the time you reach the age of forty, your life will be dominated by running the Gruber Foundation, or whatever your father decides to turn himself into in his declining years.’

‘God, don’t you just hate it when Tony is right all the time, Charlotte?’ Said Melisa.

‘Don’t answer that, Charlie.’ Interceded Kenneth as we were all enjoying tea, el fresco. ‘Tony’s aunt, my dear friend, who used to own this place, allowed herself to get far too worked-up about him.’

‘One extra thing to remember Mel, the real deadline is not until the end of the summer, the first week of term in fact. You don’t actually need to have your preferred solution in place until then. You did say Boston? Not Washington and the Pentagon?’

‘Yes. Home next week.’

‘Tony and Melisa’s father are old rivals, Ken.’ Said Charlie.

‘But friendly, always on the same side at the end of the day.’

‘My other pain is this compulsory week-long end of term, work experience, mentoring nonsense. If I don’t come up with something, the school will dump me somewhere ghastly.’

‘Do I take it from your comments earlier, that you approve of the night shelter?’

‘My god! Tony, that’s brilliant! You couldn’t fix it for me, could you Charlotte?’

84: Swingin' royals at the jubilee dinner dance

‘How on earth do you imagine this is going to happen?’

‘It will happen because all those involved, will want it to happen.’

‘You can’t possibly know that!’ Asserted Charlie, as she guided us towards an unofficial lunchtime cafe conference with Archie Layton at his favourite coffee chain in our great cathedral city.

‘Buffy will relish an opportunity to hob-nob with the younger royals and hence will oil the wheels, your handler and the whole security crew will see it as an easy evening’s overtime, they’re already familiar with the set-up, so too the Chief Constable, a feather in her cap.’

Archie seemed to find the whole idea hilarious as I made my pitch. I ended with what I thought was the clincher; ‘So the date, will simply be whichever day the Palace has already pencilled-in for the Duke and Duchess to do the west country.’

Then the Banker put on his serious, ‘do something about your overdraft’, face. ‘There are a couple things you can’t be expected to know, Tony. One, although you’re right they’d have no problem with the knees-up, and I’ll be happy to put in a word, it’s just they’re also deeply serious people, they need good reasons to be there, worthy causes and all that.’

‘But they’ll have been doing that all day!’

‘You don’t quite get it, you need to have good, worthy reasons to justify their presence.’

‘Someone needs to cut the ribbon on the new spa facility, and someone needs to punch the first ticket on the minibus, part of our, don’t drink and drive campaign!’

‘Try harder. What issue have they made their own? Think, I mean, say having delivered your drunken revellers back to town, what do we notice when wandering the streets at night? Do we not have with us today, the leading light of the night shelter committee, the very same person with the inside track to our nation’s leading scandal sheet. After all, HRH learnt the art of the unofficial visit at his mother’s knee, did he not?’

‘Archie, it’s always an education talking to you, I think we could rise to the occasion don’t you Charlie?’

‘Sure, no worries.’ She said, looking positively thunderstruck.

‘The other thing Tony. The date, fixed in stone long ago, is in ten days time!’

‘Bloody hell!’ Said Charlie.

‘Should be a piece of cake for someone with Tony’s resources. I’ll speak to the Duchess tonight. No one but the principals in the know mind you, even on the night it must just be rumours of the PM bringing a guest of honour, okay? I’m afraid you’ll have to put-up with my presence, they’ll need a translator to explain what you lot are all about! Ha!’

In truth, I didn’t start feeling the nerves until we were getting dressed on the afternoon of the day itself, me in black tie and Charlotte in a, just covering the knee, dress magic-ked from her new wardrobe. ‘So, full dress rehearsal on the wooden floor of the treatment room then.’

I chose my recording of the Miller Band playing, In The Mood; ‘I don’t imagine they’ll play it, but it’s three false endings before...’

‘See? The full twirl and it doesn’t show my knickers!’

‘Good. The jitterbug was a good ten years away.’

Practice having restored my confidence; everything went like a dream. We put our trust in Archie and took our cues from him. Charlie ended-up leading the Duchess through the new spa. When she returned, she said; ‘We’re on, the whole works, and apparently the Duke has expressed a desire to actually drive the minibus into town!’

‘I’ll speak to the Chief Constable!’

When I did, she didn’t like it; ‘Does he know what he’s doing?’ She liked it even less when I explained that the man who had driven it all the way from Birmingham was sat at the bar at that very moment and could no doubt provide instruction.

‘Jack! He’s a crook!’

‘But he fills your officer’s tanks.’

‘You, I... Oh, very well. But you get him out of the bar, this has to be private.’

As soon as the royal couple took to the dance floor, mobile devices began to appear in earnest. ‘Someone is bound to leak it immediately.’ Said Charlie.

‘Yes, it may hit some media websites, but too late for the print editions. Only the Don is holding the front page and the whole point is to place a picture of them dancing next to one you take later at the shelter.’

‘This whole shebang should do your reputation no harm at all Anthony, must be costing you a fortune though.’

‘Well, call it an investment Prime Minister.’

‘All our futures rest on them, you know.’

‘So, one would imagine.’

‘Shame they’re so, well, liberal.’

‘They can afford to be.’

And a moment or two later, another voice from the past. ‘Well, congratulations Tony. I take my hat off, again. Must have taken a bit of organising, even for you. And the band! Gracious, they make the entire club look young!’ So spoke Daphne.

‘And the night is still young too.’

In the end the convoy that headed back to town and the waterfront, consisted of a patrol car in front, then the minibus with Charlie, the VIPs and various hangers-on, with me behind in the new car giving Jack a ride, and finally a police van behind us.

‘Our Chief Constable really should learn how to get more fun out of life.’ Said Jack.

‘It was shear vanity and self-interest that made her swallow her pride and rope you in.’

‘You know, if you really want the edge, you should ask your new friend Henry “never plead guilty” Walpole, about her.’

‘Really?’

‘Oh, yes. Walpole remembers cross-examining her over her notebook, at her first appearance down the Bailey when she was a young WPC with the Met.’

‘Good lord! It never ceases to amaze me how well connected you are.’

‘How’s your extra computer working?’

‘Let’s find out!’ I said, pressing a button on the dash.

‘Nothing’s happening.’

‘We still have to wait for her to pick up.’

After a second or two; ‘Is that singing?!’ Exclaimed Jack.

Then, after a further short pause, Charlie went to speaker; ‘We’re all goin’ on a summer holiday, No more workin’ for a week or two, Fun and laughter on a summer holiday...’

‘That’s a bit ancient, even for them, surely?’ Said Jack.

‘Didn’t his mother play tennis with Cliff, or am I thinking of someone else?’

Then, to cap it all we heard; ‘The young ones, Darling, we’re the young ones, And the young ones, Shouldn’t be afraid...’

We ended-up, in conversation over hot chocolate at the shelter’s canteen; ‘I’m afraid sir, your dancing has leaked.’ I turned my mobile screen towards the VIPs. There were groans of disappointment and disapproval. ‘However, Charlie here has the means for instant rebuttal, should you care to take the advantage.’

‘Explain, if you would Tony.’ Interceded Archie.

‘Here on Charlie’s work mobile is a nicer dancing picture, plus one taken a few minutes ago, but with the client’s backs to camera, now Don Wooley of The Beacon, club member, is one of Charlie’s biggest fans and I took the precaution of asking him to hold the front page of the print edition, he can guarantee both pics appear side by side. It’s a bit tight, but you’ve a good ten minutes to decide.’

‘He’s published your pictures before hasn’t he Charlotte?’ Said Archie.

‘Yes, pictures from the summit, and the Crimean gold of course, always good about attribution and fees, but you’d know that ma’am, with your family pictures.’

‘Yes, yes. What do you think darling?’ The Duke turned and looked at the last flunkey still on his feet. There was an almost imperceptible nod.

‘Today was the best day.’ Charlie said later. Then added; ‘That other media outlet, the one that leaked, they’re the Don’s principal rival. That’s the give away you know, too clever by half you, always pushing it, I suppose you even said to Cat, something slightly gaudy, slightly tasteless.’

‘Am I that transparent?’

‘Only after the event, not the least predictable. Thank goodness.’

83: Transports of delight

‘The countess has arrived, sir. She’s parking the farm truck. I suppose I should have moved my car.’ So said Charlie, lolling by the media room window.

‘Did we promise her lunch?’

‘We didn’t promise anything, but I could include her in our cheese salad.’

‘Fresh from the garden?’

‘First of the season. I’ll show her into the reception room.’

‘I’ll be right with you.’

As I came down the stairs, I came within range of the conversation. ‘Well, I must say! I suppose he thinks he can disorientate all comers, well enough of that!’

Upon entering the reception room, I found Julia sat in my usual seat, with a smug look on her face. ‘Good morning, Julia.’

‘Smashing view, you’ve got here Tony!’

‘Well thank you.’

Forced to observe the icy glaze of the departed Aunt, whilst listening to the present one, I was more than confirmed in my belief that hanging the picture where I had was a good idea. ‘...he still thinks you’re a bounder of the first water.’

‘What?’

‘Oh! Do pay attention. I said that your uncle is still smarting over you departing Checkley, early. Truth is he’s feeling his age, needs all the help he can get.’

‘Well, you must hire more help. Charlotte and I seem to have a life full of commitments these days.’

‘Really? I thought you did as you pleased.’

‘We do. There’s just a lot of it.’ At which point Charlie returned with coffee.

‘I take it you intend giving Lady Julia the full tour, sir?’

‘Oh, absolutely. You will stay for a scratch lunch Julia, we’re due at Jack’s garage early this pm.’

‘Er, thank you Tony.’

‘If you’ll excuse me madam, I’ll see what’s fresh in the veg garden.’

After Charlie had departed, Julia commented; ‘Charlotte’s very formal this morning, you been upsetting her?’

I ignored the jibe; ‘What you need is a friendly housekeeper, so you and uncle can spend more time outside.’

‘What we need is someone like Charlotte, who can just shimmer in, then shimmer out again.’

‘I noticed you’re using the truck today.’

‘Yes, your uncle has gone to town, more work for his lawyers. I know I shouldn’t say this, but I don’t want you making any silly arse, gorping remarks when he finally tells you. And, no disrespect to darling Charlotte, but strictly between ourselves, my beloved has done the decent thing and left all his worldly goods to me. So, in the fullness of time. And it might be a long time, given our closeness in age.’

‘Of course, understood.’

‘Still, I suppose if I lose my marbles, you could become in charge at the manor, de facto. I don’t want old age to be a pain. What would you do with the estate?’

‘Step on the accelerator, pump in a couple of million, turbocharge Uncle’s existing organic schemes.’

‘Much as you have with the magazine. We’re no longer losing money by the way. Lots of online attention and advertising revenue is well up. However, it’s not escaped my notice, how the website links to all the other of your Trust’s activities. We carry adverts for the Park, for your garden centre. You’ve even got County Estates taking a regular spread.’

‘Sound business practice, one doesn’t know where future growth will come from, but then if everything links, you don’t have to.’

‘Yes, I suppose so. Well now, you going to show me around then?’

‘Office!’ Commanded Jack on our arrival.

‘Office?’

‘Today’s main challenge is to get your new motor correctly written-up on the manufacturer’s computer. Take a seat. Fiona love, couple of mugs of goop for our guests. Right then, here goes, the thing is, because the vehicle has spent the best part of a year in their pound - hence me getting it at last year’s price - it has to go back into the factory for a thorough going over and we have to see if any of your personalisation isn’t best done there. So let me read back what you’ve actually ordered so far.’

And after what seemed an age, of back-and-forth questions, of computer box-ticking, he said; ‘Okay?’

‘Okay.’

‘Now, how’s this all going to play out? Assuming it arrives within about ten days.’

‘Right, well, we inspect it, pay-up and take it away to run-in, leaving the old one behind for servicing along with the various bits of computer kit I have acquired for it’s upgrading. All done on the assumption that most of the time it will be garaged at home, only making half a dozen trips a year for Charlie’s fishing expeditions and visits up-country to her parents. Meanwhile, whilst we’re trying out the new car, I have to work out how and where the extra computer is fitted, then we come in for the second exchange.’

‘You’ll need to brief my lads yourself Tony, most of it will be over my head.’

‘The additional computer probably goes under the rear bench; the main innovation, will be four, in-cab cameras...’

‘Oh, my god!’ Opined Charlie.

‘So, rather than monitor just individual behaviour, one can make a start on social interaction.’

‘Somebody told me your American friends had changed their name recently.’

‘It was a buy-out, the Trust took ten per cent of the stock in the new company, hence a regular income stream. But the UK licencing of facial recognition security applications stays the same. Nice little earner too, twelve police forces and three security agencies so far.’

‘I told you to stick with him love!’ He said, as an aside to Charlie.

‘Okay, okay.’ I said; ‘Can we now get to the real, main event? We’re itching to see the minibus.’

‘Now don’t be alarmed by it’s appearance, fact is, change of plan with the paint job.’ So said Jack as he led the way to the back of the workshop.

‘Ah! Yes. I see what you mean.’

‘I’ve got my two apprentices taking it all off, back to the metalwork. I took an executive decision when I saw the interior Birmingham were offering.’ Jack proceeded to show us inside. ‘The seats with that new upholstery, have been imported to go with the colour of these, now steam cleaned walls.’

‘Which suggests a sort of green and vanilla exterior?’

‘But not just any green, the green of the Park website, the green of The Countrywoman magazine.’

‘Brunswick Green, formally of the real GWR and early British Railways.’ So said Charlie.

‘Precisely Watson. Well done, Jack, your instincts are as sound as always.’

‘And just in case you were wondering.’ He then proceeded to show us the engine, which as far as I could tell looked brand spanking new.

Back in the office once more. ‘I don’t mean to pry, or anything, but it’s not like you to let your lads join a government scheme, having college lecturers forever snooping around.’

‘The only time my boys see the inside of that college is when they sit the exams. We pay our own way.’

‘But...’

‘We get away with it, Tony my old son, because my main man has more letters after his name, than any of those jokers at the college!’

‘Ah! Right. Well, when the bus is photograph-able, prepare a proper brochure with a real price. I’ll present it to the Park management committee, then, assuming it will be a substantial sum, get it signed off by Uncle, my Aunt Julia and myself as shareholders. But give me a realistic price as soon as possible so I can prepare the ground. Just one other thing, to make it work you need to provide and supply back-up fuel to go in it’s garage in the old stable block at the Park. So, any other business?’

‘Your architects think we should start re-configuring the filling station from the far end of the site, bit by bit, as and when, this electric thing takes off, or doesn’t.’

‘So, you build a new shop, stroke cafe, stroke pay point, stroke loos, to replace the coffee machine and yesterday’s sandwiches.’

‘Ever mindful that it’s not your general public who keep us in profit and whose habits we need to be responding to.’

‘How do you mean?’ Asked Charlie.

‘Perhaps you’ve not been at Jack’s filling station during unsocial hours?’

‘We make our money, Charlotte my dear, mostly at night, by refuelling public service vehicles, the emergency services and delivery lorries. Location, location, location.’

As we were settling back in the car, Charlie was catching-up on her mobile device. ‘A text from your trusted lieutenant, sir.’

‘Oh, yes?’

‘Wants to know if you have a date for the dinner dance?’

‘I don’t know yet, however, the inaugural nineteen forties dinner dance with swing band, should be marketed as our contribution to the Jubilee celebrations.’

‘Did you know Archie Layton was at university with the second in line to the throne?’

‘Of course, never shuts up about it. Always recalling how he first collided with them at old time Scottish dancing lessons... Charlie, you’ve done it again.’

‘What?’

‘Out of the mouths of babes and what’s it’s!’

82: Offers to treat

‘You haven’t asked what the agenda is today?’ I spoke.

‘I don’t need to.’ She replied.

‘Oh, yes?’

‘We, are taking a hike, to town.’

‘Oh lord, walk two miles around the hills to go half a mile as the crow flies.’

‘Wrong, I have a short cut, to get you to a haircut with Margot.’

‘Do we have to?’

‘Yes. I’ve lost control of your hair, it’s become lop-sided. Besides, we have other commissions too.’

‘Well, just don’t do this tomorrow, we have a long day’s negotiations at our HQ at the old bank.’

Sparkwell led me out via the tradesman’s entrance. We proceeded passed our new garage. ‘If all goes well tomorrow, Jack will get a down payment within hours and we will have secured the new car, hopefully the same colour, but I suppose the bumpers will look slightly different, like on the one we took to France.’

‘When I was sweeping out the inside, I had the thought it might make parking easier if we painted the interior white.’

‘But driver-assisted works perfectly well in the dark!’

‘But I like it switched-off, I told you it kept cutting-in when I was crashing around country lanes.’

‘I’ll concede it is inherently de-skilling. But I should warn you, once Jack has modified the new car, he will be doing computer upgrades on the old one.’

‘Right, we take a right here.’

Having descended on the town remarkably quickly, I got a five-minute rest whilst Margot performed her corrective procedures. Throughout she remained in instructor mode, they both seemed to find endless fascination in the crown of my head! Afterwards, Charlie apologised for not hanging around saying we were on a tight schedule and nudged me to pay and go. ‘What’s the urgency?’ I asked.

‘Edoardo will be leaving the workshop at twelve-thirty sharp.’

‘Yes, probably none of my business, but er... Why are we?’

‘I have the final items of my wardrobe to pick up, the formal wear.’

‘And you’re not talking about more uniforms, are you?’

‘No, formal wear. Well, it’s bound to happen. After all, you have various paraphernalia; even a complete morning suit, not to mention proper black bow ties, a couple of stiff collars, even a white mess jacket!’

‘You don’t have any particular event in mind?’

‘No.’

‘You, young lady, are getting ideas above your station!’

‘We’re all old friends and we trust each other.’ So said a beaming Bernard as Charlie was pouring out coffee. None of us seemed to have an answer to that, so his comment was left hanging in the air.

The silence was broken by Brinkley; ‘Our coffees always taste so much better when made by a proper barista.’

‘Why, thank you, Brinkley, though one shouldn’t underestimate the benefit of the china service, insisted upon by the late Mrs Hayward.’ She replied.

‘Oh, do sit down Ms Sparkwell, we’re all equals now. My point is, Tony, Lawrence and I are full voting board members of the Trust, Charlotte, you attend all meetings and get to vote on charity matters. You are also contracted by the Trust as are Lawrence and myself. The Trust owns this building, a large chunk of Crawford Park and much else besides.’

‘Oh, what a tangled web we weave.’ Offered Brinkley.

‘Please don’t interrupt Lawrence! All I’m saying is, can we for the purposes of this meeting all agree to hearing about the Mrs Tufnell and Captain Forsyth wills, Tony’s request for extraordinary funds, and, consequently, how one should approach this afternoon’s meeting of the trustees?’

‘Yes.’ I replied.

‘So, firstly, Tony, you have given me a copy of Mrs Tufnell’s bequests, now I don’t see how the matter pertains to anyone but yourself, unless and until you take possession of anything and subsequently care to gift it to the Trust. The situation with Captain Forsyth is potentially more complicated. You, Charlotte, will have executor’s rights until all disbursements are made. But anything turned into cash, will up the residue that is intended for our local homeless charity. However, possessions not specifically mentioned, could simply be gifted by you, to anyone. I suggested to the captain, that he specify how the yacht should be disposed of. He said he had hopes, given - in his words - it’s “historical uniqueness”, that it might go to the Maritime Historical Society. I have spoken to Thayer; he has links to the upmarket boat dwellers and the word has come back that the vessel might be expected to reach in excess of five million. Obviously, a real incentive for the homeless charity. My advice, get the captain’s intentions in writing, otherwise you will be left to decide, and you may feel a conflict of interest since you sit on the homeless committee. Questions?’

‘Yes, the reason I mentioned Mrs Tufnell, is that it will probably fall to me to take charge of her late husband’s papers, he had some sort of business relationship with my father, not as yet fully determined. I suppose there is the outside possibility of other occurrences, not unlike the Crimean gold.’

‘Good lord!’ Said Bernard.

‘Just a hunch you understand.’

‘You’re more than welcome to cross reference with anything in the Trust archive anytime.’ Added Brinkley.

‘I’ll talk to Captain Bob again,’ said Charlie, ‘but if he doesn’t act, then my priority would be to find the right home for the yacht, and if it involved a sale, then the cash goes to the shelter, end of story.’

‘Thank goodness Tony has no involvement, he’d instantly see a myriad of money-making opportunities in the situation! Which brings us neatly to your request for funds.’

Ignoring Bernard’s sarcasm, I pitched in; ‘Yes, we wish to avail ourselves of the opportunity to invest in our last new petrol car. The latest version of what we’ve got now. However, since it will be an appreciating asset, like the current one, we propose running the two cars, one each.’

‘Ah. Mmm.’ Said Bernard.

Then, after a pause, Brinkley smiled and said; ‘I did a while ago suggest to Charlotte that the existing car might be reassigned to her, in her role as Carer.’ Oh, Larry, I thought to myself, what a sweetie you are. ‘And of course, Tony could continue with the new car under existing arrangements.’

Bernard looked at Brinkley like a parent upon an innocent child. ‘You and Charlotte should form a pair at Bridge sometime, whilst Tony and I make for the poker room.’

Then, as I was thinking, no need to invoke special clauses or indeed make concessions at all, Brinkley replied; ‘It’s against your religion Bernard, as I’ve often had to remind you.’

‘Ah! Yes, now, how is the Church of England, gentlemen?’ I enquired.

‘Much as always, Lawrence still does the cathedral books from time to time.’

‘And what about you?’

‘Oh, very occasionally I may arbitrate over minor matters as Chancellor for the diocese.’

‘Oh my god!’ Said Charlie; ‘You’re the Grand Inquisitor! Defrocked any priests lately? Burnt any witches?’

‘The camera for each seat is voice activated Charlie, if you’re remote it’s just the usual boxes on the screen, but if you’re in the room, then from certain angles it gives the illusion of having a swivel head, that’s why it’s called an Owl.’

‘Ladies and gentlemen, if I may call this meeting to order, item one...’ To give Bernard his due, as chair he has a masterful command of the room, dovetailing perfectly with Brinkley as the humble secretary who only on very rare occasions needs to pass him a note, or indeed speak at all. Our other trustees were appearing remotely, one from Geneva where he was giving some sort of expert advice to one of the sprawling committees of the IPCC. The other, from his brutalist breeze block study in a university department whose reputation thankfully rose well above the architecture. Bernard chose his words with care; classic, vintage, historical, along with appreciating asset, low usage, minimum emissions etc.

‘So, that was your scheme, ha! The old boy network would give you the grand cathedral wedding you think you deserve.’

‘Only idle speculation really, just the way my mind works I’m afraid.’

‘Nice try sunbeam, nice try.’

81: The fall and rise

Good Friday found us at Checkley Manor as usual. ‘Does anyone remember the old-style fun fairs?’ I said to the kitchen table at large. ‘How they always had a shooting gallery, you could shoot down figures one at a time in a long line...’

‘And!’ Said Uncle.

‘Buffy’s happy few, his band of brothers are falling at an ever-increasing rate. And yet, new figures keep appearing as if by magic.’

‘Are you going to do anything about Tuffy’s attempt to blackball him from the club?’ Asked Charlie.

‘Ah, thank you for reminding me.’

Later, when alone in the grounds I put in a call to Cat. ‘Er, actually old man, Tuffy’s complaint is in the pending tray for the time being; fact is, Buffy’s membership is currently lapsed.’

‘Explain.’

‘Well, you know how membership renewal depends on the receipt of fees and the clearing of your account, well Buffy has stood a lot of bar bills in the last year, he’s been sent a reminder and all that, but he has slipped over the renewal date.’

‘I see. I think I might just drop a hint to Carrie.’

‘Might be as well, apparently, they’ll be at the cottage this weekend, bit embarrassing if she has to sign him in! Also, you might care to explain to Tuffy that under our rulebook you can only expel someone for behaviour whilst at the club, and that doesn’t include when the premises are being used for other purposes.’

‘Cat?’

‘Tony, old son.’

‘You couldn’t do me a quick favour, check bookings for the ballroom and if it’s free on Easter Monday, book it out to me for the whole day.’

‘Carrie!’

‘Ah, Tony. The voice of sanity.’

‘Bless you. Er, sorry to do this, bit embarrassing really...’

‘I doubt it, not when viewed from Downing Street.’

‘Yes, quite, the fact is, Buffy’s membership of the club has lapsed, failure to pay fees and settle his account.’

‘Shit! I told him, when I renewed. Hang on.’

For once she forgot to press mute; ‘I’m not bloody made of money! Tell him the cheque is in the post.’

‘Is it?’

‘Yes!’

‘Will it bounce?’

Then, after a long pause; ‘Tony?’

‘Carrie.’

‘He says there is a cheque in the post.’

‘Tell him, if he plans on visiting, make it Monday, but you may have to sign him in if the money hasn’t arrived.’

‘Very well, and Tony, I haven’t forgotten you were the one who persuaded me to return to the blighter.’

‘Running out on us again!’ So said Uncle when I announced our intention of leaving a few hours early.

‘Well only by half a day.’

‘All the same, what progress in the vines?’

‘I’ve brought you up to date with the pruning and tying.’

‘And what moves in the woods Charlotte?’

‘Your new eastern European hiring is a lot further on with the charcoal burners, than he is with his comprehension of English!’

On arrival at the Park, I took a direct line to the office, there to commune with the club secretary. ‘The ballroom is all yours, the PM’s debts got paid by money transfer late Friday, from some unrecognisable company account at a bank on Grand Cayman, and the man himself is working the room, the lounge that is, at this very moment.’

‘Excellent!’ I replied, exiting immediately towards the veranda bar, that being the best vantage point from which to observe Buffy’s progress. Much to my surprise, I found Bernard and Brinkley propping up the bar, in the company of Henry Walpole no less. ‘I say, what ho, Walpole! You know it’s a complete waste of time touting for briefs from Bernard, he likes to do his own advocacy.’

‘You forget Anthony, I’ve been put out to grass, by my wife.’

‘Yes of course, must be a bit of a wrench at times. And the two of you, a rare sighting indeed.’

‘Well, we are semi-retired Tony, Lawrence and I are entitled to our occasional indulgences. And as Walpole was saying, it’s always worth taking a look at the locus in quo.’

‘Something my old pupil master used to say.’

‘You should be swapping old anecdotes about Sparkwell QC, Charlotte’s daddy. Bernard’s suffered at his hands too!’

‘What brings you here Tony?’ Asserted Bernard.

‘Oh, just on our way back from my uncle’s place.’

‘Here to keep an eye on our esteemed Prime Minister?’ Suggested Brinkley.

‘Yes, alright then. Talking of which, would you excuse me a moment?’

‘How are you Prime Minister?’

‘Ah! Anthony. Under savage pressure as it happens.’

‘Ah, yes. Playing the international statesman, the war leader in waiting. Must take it out of you, but goes down well with the voters no doubt.’

‘I trust you’re not here to gloat?’

‘By no means. Indeed, I’m here to offer you what I just know you will find an amusing diversion from the cost-of-living crisis.’

‘Oh, yes?’

‘A short commemorative video of your previous visits.’

‘What!’ A micro expression of alarm crossed his face.

‘If you and Carrie would care to step this way, I’ve arranged a little private viewing in the ballroom.’

I whispered to Charlie, to ask her former handler come mentor from the security detail to lock us in, from the outside, and after a moment or two’s chat, he did!

‘What’s going on? Where’s my protection gone?’

‘I thought the four of us might appreciate a little privacy.’

The large screen worked remarkably well, despite the variable quality of the images in Carry-On Prime Minister. It also benefited from a little program I’d acquired for the removal of layers of ambient noise from audio recordings. Our little half hour movie featured sequences all the way from Buffy’s first landing on what was now the eighteenth green, to his post-run Haka!

When it finally came to an end there was a long silence before Buffy spoke; ‘Now that, ladies and gentlemen, is how to deliver a threat. Notice how he saves your blushes Charlie; you’re just simply portrayed as the innocent waitress. The editing is outrageous, talk about hashtag - context collapse!’ He then buried his face in his hands for about a count of ten, before asserting; ‘So, who apart from us has seen this?’

‘Only my co-producer Barmy, and my co-owner the Earl.’

‘You sure about that?’

‘Oh, yes. And of course, it can stay that way.’

‘I can burn you, as much as you can burn me.’

‘Well, no not really.’

‘What?’

‘All I have to do is send a copy of this to the media. You on the other hand have had two and a half years to fatten your dossier on me, and got nowhere.’

‘You can’t possibly know that.’

‘True, but what I can know with one hundred percent certainty, is that I never do anything, only the Trust does things, and it was entirely reconstituted before the summit. You, are up against a legal brick wall.’

‘What do you want?’

‘Full implementation of the Flotterton Manifesto.’

‘What?’

‘Everything outlined in Rory’s speech.’

‘I know what you bloody meant! That speech you wrote for him was pure fantasy.’

‘I didn’t write a word. I admit I was present when Rory, relaxing in the lounge after a massage from Charlie, came up with his ideas whilst staring deep into the log fire. Besides it doesn’t have to be practical. It merely has to inspire, create the right direction of travel. Oh, and one other small thing. A safe seat for Frimley Coates. After all, in fifteen years or so, he’d be your natural successor.’

‘Aren’t you forgetting something Tony?’ Chipped in Carrie; ‘All the other people who have him by the short and curly what’s it’s!’

‘Am I Buffy?’

There was another pregnant pause, filled only by Charlie asking innocently; ‘How did all this arch enemy stuff start anyway?’

‘It all goes back to the Scripture Knowledge Prize. I noticed just the other day that you’d claimed to have won it, again.’

‘But I did!’

‘Over the heads of better men, by the most brazen swindling methods, “breath-taking impertinence” - weren’t those the headmaster’s words?’

‘Something of the sort, can’t say I remember precisely.’

‘No, they say psychopaths don’t remember pain. But what I do remember was that the Head went on to give a speech bemoaning the passing of corporal punishment, and his inability to tenderise your arse.’

Then Buffy began to laugh. A moment later he said, smiling; ‘Anthony, you are a one-man walking nudge unit.’

‘Well thank you, you’re too kind, Prime Minister.’

‘I don’t buy it.’ So said Charlie as we were crossing the carpark.

‘Just as well, cos’ it ain’t for sale!’

‘What went down back there? You had him on the rocks, yet he walked away with a spring in his step.’

‘I showed him a way out, not just from me, but from everyone else gunning for him. It’s the game Charlie, the motivation is in the thrill of getting away with it.’

80: End of an era

‘So, what fun and frolics have we today, sir?’ So said Sparkwell as we emerged from our ablutions and she turned her attention to my raiment.

‘Is that my sole purpose in life now, to keep you amused? Well, after breakfast and the post naturally, you get to inspect progress with the building work at the spa, and if I can persuade the architect to dally awhile, you may hear of my plans for the old stable block and walled garden.’

‘But I thought that was all off, due to a lack of water?’

‘Your ever innovative employer, let me tell you, has come up with alternative arrangements.’

‘Another solicitor’s letter, sir.’

‘Good lord, from Periwinkle and Blythe no less, Bernard’s leading competitor. The only thing I know about them was that the late, great, Mr. Tufnell senior used them.’ The room fell silent. ‘Well, I’ll be damned; “We have been asked to forward attached copy of Mrs. Mary Tufnell’s new last will and…etcetera.” Gosh, this could be trouble.’

‘Coffee in the kitchen, in five?’

‘Thanks Charlie.’

‘You’re going to share it with me, is that wise?’

‘Oh, I think so, given Tuffy’s tendency to turn to either or both of us, when he’s stressed or confused. Yes, a briefing is definitely in order.’ I took a gulp of black coffee, wondering where to start. ‘Well, the simple bit is she’s left the house and any cash to her son, as one might expect. The tricky bit is that her household furniture, goods and personal possessions she leaves jointly to Tuffy and myself, to be divided as we see fit.’

‘And that’s likely to cause trouble?’

‘Well, yes and no. Firstly I doubt Tuffy knows what I would value, not necessarily all of great monetary worth, but some of it certainly is.’

‘Like the seascapes. I imagine, the Lady Vic will have something to say about that!’

‘Quite, but they’re just the tip of the iceberg, Tuffy is remarkably ignorant about everything in that house, Victoria probably knows more by now.’

‘Seems to me you should ally your self with her, work through her, to get what you want. Tuffy as a go-between would just confuse the issue.’

‘I mean, a lot of this is Mrs Tufnell being nervous about what happens to her late husband’s valuables, I’m the only person she can trust to make sure they end-up going to people who would value them. Bit like you and Captain Bob.’

‘Well, work on Victoria, that’s my advice. By the way, apparently when Bob was talking to Bernard, he said, Bernard that is, if I had any doubts about my role in proceedings I should come in and talk to him.’

‘Have you seen the final signed document yet?’

‘No. Bob just said he insisted to Bernard, that I should have the final say. Bob’s halfway to the Falklands now, god knows when I’ll hear.’

‘Worry not, the islands are fully wired-up these days. Every retailer even has a free portable chip and pin machine, they can now refuse cash payments in any currency - much to the relief of the Port Stanley bank apparently.’

It was one of those days when Charlotte assumes the subservient role, indicated by her following one step behind, rather than being alongside or one step in front. Having plied the architect with coffee at the bar, we then proceeded to the garden and listened to his explanation of foundations, damp courses and sympathetic stone work. Whilst he spoke, we stared at new walls rising and looked into an abyss we were assured would be the aquatherapy pool. Once he had come to an explanatory halt, I chipped in with; ‘We may have a further project proposal for you, if you could spare another twenty minutes or so.’

A five-minute hike took us to the old stable block. ‘Given the estates limited water resources I’ve abandoned previous plans for more residential development. However, you’ll have noticed that the bungalows lack garages and a number of their back gardens, porches and conservatories are cluttered with various mobility aids, both manual and motorised. What I propose is that the tarmac is continued as far as here and the entrance to the walled garden, therefore passing the back gardens; they, all get free wooden fencing with back gates and we, restore and convert the stables into a series of car ports.’ Our architect friend extracted a pen knife from his back pocket and began sampling the state of the mortar between the brickwork. I continued with; ‘Obviously the woodwork of the roof would need to be preserved or replaced but the rotting wood of individual doors and internal partitions could be constituted firewood. One area needs reconstituting as a garage for a minibus, with a discrete, independent petrol or diesel supply. The ironwork entrance of the walled garden needs replacing with a key code lock attached, but could be replicated in design with a matching pair for the stables. The walled garden can be offered as a private flower garden and allotments, for the bungalow residents only...’

Then Charlie cut in; ‘There’s a familiar profile approaching from the direction of the house, sir.’

I turned, the figure’s gait was unmistakable; ‘Familiar indeed, the lesser spotted.’

‘Tony!’

‘Tuffy.’

‘Explain! Because I’m damned if I can see it. I think mother has gone a bit fay. It is rather grating for a chap you know.’

‘Well, it is everyone’s prerogative, to leave as they please, the thing is, you do understand your mother and father were, well, the closest I got to a mother and father for many years...’

‘I know old man, but all the same.’

‘And I was interested in all the things your father did, which you weren’t - if you see what I mean. Now, be honest Tuffy.’

‘Well...’

‘Take your father’s study for example, have you ever worked through it? Would you understand it if you did? Would you recognise items of value? And needless to say, my offer on the seascapes still stands.’ Tuffy stared into space as if he’d suddenly realised, he had no idea where he was. ‘Anyway, you didn’t hike out all this way just to look for a row, did you?’

‘No. There’s something more urgent. I’ve submitted a formal complaint to the membership committee.’

‘What on earth about?’

‘To get Trumpton chucked out of course. It’s official now, he’s a liar and a cad.’

‘Well? What’s that got to do with me?’

‘We need your backing of course.’

‘Who is this, “we”?’

‘All of the right-thinking element, who do you think? You have the evidence to sink him.’

‘Do I?’

‘On camera!’

‘Tuffy, I hate to tell you, but that’s evidence to sink practically all of us!’

‘How do you mean?’

‘Well on lockdown rules alone, you were pissed and hardly socially distanced at the reunion in May, if I recall.’

‘But we’d been tested, and jabbed, and exempted by the government.’

‘But that’s rather what Buffy is claiming, isn’t it? Our behaviour may be morally reprehensible but...’

‘I was going to ask you to go before the committee, but as usual I can’t tell who’s side, you’re really on!’

‘Tuffy?’ Charlotte interrupted; ‘Will you walk me back to the house? It’s such a long time since we’ve had a chat.’

Say what you like about her, but she can time an intervention to the split second. As they started to wander off, she took his arm, as any close confidant might. ‘Isn’t she a cracker?’ I said, to no one in particular, then turning back to the friendly architect; ‘Sorry about the interruption, now where were we? Ah, yes, the road side trench that carries the electric will naturally need to be extended from the last bungalow to here and the walled garden, but I’d like it opened up again as far as the house, so the fibre optics can come as far as the minibus garage...’

79: Things fall apart

I date the end of the pandemic from that morning. Looking up from my screen, I spied Sparkwell through the media room window leading her ladies in outdoor yoga practice on the common lawn affronting the avenue.

Later she appeared before me, slightly perspiring and with a glint in her eye. ‘Namaste’ I said, bringing my hands together towards my chest and giving a slight nod of the head.

‘Fuck, and off, sir. I, have just made, a major breakthrough.’

‘Your first group teaching session turned out a success; I knew it would be.’

‘Not only that. I have set in motion a train of events which I feel confident will lead to the resolution of the two-car problem.’

‘Good lord!’

‘One of my students is the lady at number seven. She may be willing to swap garages.’

‘But that won’t help, we need two!’

‘No, we don’t.’

‘How come?’

‘What you have failed to take account of Holmes, is that the mews is a series of ad hoc conversions, built on a curve, some garages are considerably longer than others.’

‘Ah-ha! Well spotted Watson.’

‘My quarry, and her husband, recently exchanged their grand saloon for a family hatchback, no larger than our two-seater, she is convinced their unit would take two, end to end. I have a viewing tomorrow.’

‘Charlie, you’re a wonder. Take the rest of the day-off.’

‘Ha! The ultimate empty gesture.’

‘Well, go read The Beacon then.’

‘I might just.’

At about eleven o’clock I drifted downstairs to the kitchen in search of coffee and my daily shot of caffeine. ‘What’s going on?’ Exclaimed Charlie.

‘How do you mean?’

‘You always know. You knew there was new, News.’

‘Well, er...’

‘I mean their whole tone has changed. Are they gunning for Buffy now?’

‘Perhaps getting ready to ditch him, if they really have to.’

‘And the whole thing is full of adverts for the Don’s new podcast come radio show come tv chat show thingy.’

‘Yes, I fail to see the visual appeal myself, the close-up camera merely exaggerates his existing camp tendencies.’

‘Women readers like him.’

‘Yes, I suppose so, the anti-authoritarian Aussie with a glint in the eye. Perhaps one day he’ll want you as a guest, you could broadcast live from the treatment room.’

‘Is Buffy really in deep doo-doo then?’

‘Well, timing is everything. As fear ends, so anger rises. You know, it’s when conditions start to improve, that revolutions traditionally happen. And perhaps the opposition think they have a limited window of opportunity.’

‘How come?’

‘Well, there are also lots of post-pandemic recovery goodies that may be just over the horizon. Coffee is ready then?’

‘Help yourself.’ And after a two mouthful pause, she asserted; ‘Well since I have the rest of the day-off, you can buy me a proper lunch at the Park, I’ll bring the car round.’

‘So, if this is to count as our hot meal of the day, I imagine you have cold snacks available for a supper at home this evening?’ I speculated aloud as we sat opposite each other in the club dining area awaiting our grub.

‘No. You gave me the day-off before I had a chance to go shopping, I’ve asked Steppings, to ask the kitchen, to knock-up a couple of packed lunches that can serve as supper.’

‘Also charged to my account no doubt?’

‘Naturally. We also need to be home by four, if Kenneth is going to get a decent tea break.’

‘Understood.’ Then my mobile pinged. ‘Someone else wanting a piece of me. Ah-ha, our man Jack is proposing to take an Awayday tomorrow to Birmingham to look at the remains of minibuses, wants permission to do deals and pay deposits if everything looks good.’

‘How much?’

‘Not how much, but what? I’ve offered him an architect’s drawing of a viable filling station electric forecourt extension.’

‘How innocent of me, to think that any cash might be changing hands.’ A sudden look of apprehension came over her face as she spoke, I concluded I must prepare for an assault from the rear.

‘We want a word with you two!’ So said the unmistakable Prudence.

‘Better draw up a couple of chairs then.’ She looked angry; Rory merely glum.

‘Everything is going wrong and it’s all your fault.’ So said our MP’s wife.

‘How so?’

‘The party is in chaos; in case you hadn’t noticed. Rory must decide which way to jump.’

‘But you’re a Buffy loyalist!’ I said, turning towards the aforementioned.

‘The PM may have broken all sorts of rules. My committee is uncovering all kinds of shenanigans.’

‘So?’

‘I don’t want to lose my bloody seat do I!’

‘You may have to.’

‘Why?’

‘You two really haven’t thought this through. You have no choice but to stick to Buffy like a limpet.’

‘Explain.’ Said Prudence.

‘Buffy will most likely get his mojo back and carry on to even greater victories, however, if by some quirk of fate, he fails, have you given thought to what he’ll do next?’

‘How is that relevant?’

‘Oh, dear. If Buffy fails, no matter how great his successor, you lose old boy. Look, let me spell it out, Buffy has no money of his own, his finances have always been chaotic, if he resigns, he’ll likely be holing-up at Carrie’s cottage and hanging around here all day. And everyone will know he lives in the very constituency which hosted his greatest triumph, or failure - depending on your point of view...’

‘Oh, my god. We’re stuck with him for ever!’ Cried Prudence.

As we drove back to the house Charlie said; ‘You can’t really know if any of your imaginings about the future will come true.’

‘No, but it’s better that Prue and Rory at least start thinking ahead, no good just hoping things will carry on as they were before.’

‘Besides, I bet you could remove Buffy from future involvement at the Park if you really wanted to.’

‘So, guess why I choose not to?’

‘There’s money to be made.’

‘Got it in one.’

Kenneth looked a trifle damp and care worn as we came through the back gate. He was leaning on a spade at the same time as extracting a bamboo cane from one of the cold frames, which turned out to be about three feet long. He grasped the bottom of it with the palm of his free hand. ‘Tea in five minutes, Ken!’ So said Charlie in a cheery voice.

‘Ah, you are kindness itself, my dear.’

Ten minutes later and we were all beginning to warm through.

‘Does the garden have any kind of gradient Kenneth?’

‘I think it must do, very slightly sloping away towards the back wall, the ground is damper there at depth, despite getting more sunlight. All the more reason to make all veg planting on raised beds.’

‘And the temperature below ground in the cold frames?’

‘All is as it should be in the garden.’ He replied looking vaguely into space. The three of us just sat there awhile in silence, me wondering what might be inside the two paper bags with handles that Charlie had casually placed on the kitchen table aside the tea pot. ‘It’s not the planet that’s in crisis, but the human race.’

‘Well,’ I said, raising my mug, ‘we can all drink to that, cheers!’