71: The speech

Charlotte stood over my right shoulder, reading her tablet. ‘I don’t get it. None of this makes sense.’

‘Well, you know Rory...’

‘Yes, I get why he’d need a speech written for him.’

‘Not written, spoken, foretold if you like, at a time when he was highly suggestable.’

‘Yes. I get why words like these might be spoken by a right-wing MP. I just don’t see why he should go up against the PM. He’ll just draw attention to himself, I mean if anyone challenges him, he’ll fall apart in five seconds.’

‘Ah, but he’s under pressure to get on, from you know who.’

‘But if the PM prompted you, to get Rory to attack him, Rory won’t be going anywhere.’

‘Oh, I don’t know.’

‘So, what is the plan?’

‘Well Buffy just thinks it’s better PR to be seen to be pressured by others into doing the right thing, than suggesting it himself. Odd I know, something about the parliamentary party asserting itself, feeling it is really in charge, which of course it’s not.’

‘I can’t pretend to get all that, but what’s in it for us?’

‘Favoured status for the Park, a cooperative - if not particularly friendly - Chief Constable. All sorts of things that oil the wheels.’

‘Some people will notice these are not Rory’s words, and some of this is a blatant give away, “I won my seat by taking on the retired commissars of the metropolitan left who litter the English Riviera”. Quite a few people know that’s the sort of thing you’d say when taking the piss! And what of; “For you can only put the Great back into Great Britain, tackle the mountain of debt, and make us a going concern again with high and sustained economic growth. The Prime Minister has already spent all we can afford on the pandemic and stimulus packages for the North, the so-called Red Wall. The rest must come from becoming a low tax, low spend economy again. Yet as traditionalists it is our duty to maintain the military, the police and our security forces. Now the PM may not permit the word austerity to pass his lips, in this he is correct, for shaving budgets here and there for a few years will never be enough. The only way out is to cut absolutely the bloated and unnecessary state apparatus, the mindless bureaucracy which has grown around us all over the last fifty years. But, unlike entrepreneurial led growth, cutting the state is not a bottom-up process, quite the reverse.” The Beacon doesn’t normally reprint political speeches like this.’

‘Quite!’

‘Now this is just plain silly; “Number Ten must lead by example, the very cabinet table of which we are so proud, only comfortably sits eleven or twelve minsters, plus the Prime Minister himself and the Cabinet Secretary, there to record the minutes. With a reduction in ministries, there would be the chance of real cabinet government, again. Such was the situation the last time this country could call itself great. Now, we have a Cabinet Office employing a staggering eight thousand people.” This is the new Victorians thing I suppose?’

‘Absolutely, sounds a bit mad when Rory says it, but seen in cold print...’

‘And what about; “A Colonial Office of a few hundred administered an empire, now the same number hand out aid we can ill afford, for projects where we never discover whether they worked or not.” Is that true?’

‘It’s what the tabloid press believes to be true.’

‘Blimey, “a policy of intervention in the affairs of others is an outrageous foreign policy, hugely expense and merely encourages antipathy towards the West. I say trade, not aid.” There’s more, “the NHS has become a monster out of control, creating endless demand, as the population gets ever unhealthier. How wrong, Bevan and the men from the ministry were, to believe that the real cost of the NHS would fall over time as less people got ill.” Was that true?’

‘Oh, yes!’

‘I’ve had enough of this; we must get back to the garden.’

‘Is that your considered political position or a practical suggestion?’

‘Shut, up.’

‘Hang-on a second, does he get a mention in the editorial?’

‘Oh, yes. “A rare true-blue speech from the unknown MP who is only recorded as having spoken twice in the House of Commons. Perhaps he should assert himself more often for he goes straight to the heart of issues long championed by this paper.” A ringing endorsement then.’

Later that day I took a call; ‘I have the Prime Minister for you.’

‘Carrie!’

‘He’s using me as a bloody secretary now.’

‘You should get out more.’

‘Tell me about it, darling! It’s all right for him, he’s always out and about. Although, I rather think he wishes I could do a Charlotte and transform myself into a valette, when required.’

There was a sudden pause. Then Buffy came on the line. ‘Anthony! Just to say, marvellous job regarding young Rory, just the right tone, makes me sound like a sober minded judge. Ha! We can take it from here.’

‘But what will become of him?’

‘Well, he can’t very well accept a ministerial job now, after saying all he did about making cutbacks, can he? No, Chair of the parliamentary Whitehall watchdog committee should suit.’

The following week, Prudence approached me at the club. ‘Wasn’t he wonderful Tony? And I’ll let you in on a secret, it was all his own words, I had no involvement at all! I didn’t even see the script. What about that. You never believed it possible he could be his own man. As chair of this committee, he can call anyone to account, any minister, even Buffy himself. He is a force to be reckoned with. Now he’s being talked of as a future leader of the party.’

She seemed proud of her man, in a deeply unfashionable way. Feeling that perhaps life was getting just a tad too easy, I headed for the bar in search of a stiff drink.

‘Tony!’

‘Don! You’re spending a lot of time in this next of the woods, for one who’s meant to be a columnist for our leading national paper.’

‘I’ve been sent by my editor. He said; “You’ve got the connections, go be a reporter, find out about this MP who’s making the headlines.” Hoisted by my own petard. Having built Rory up at your request, now I’m being asked to knock him down.’

‘So, we are forced to ask, from whom does your editor take his orders?’

‘Better not to ask. Rather, why is it, that whenever I ask questions in this place the answers always seem to lead back to you! Or rather, you and your sidekick. Yet it also seems I’m in your debt, I hadn’t realised it was your recommendation that got me in here.’

‘We’re more than happy to have you.’

‘Rory is a chump. You contrived to get him elected, seemingly as a favour to his wife. As a consequence, this place, in which you have a financial stake, becomes a hive of political activity following on from the new MP’s support for the nation’s most notorious politician who in short order becomes the next PM. Now, I can’t write all that up, because it’s all too far fetched even for our readers.’

‘But you can’t go home empty handed. What you need is a nice little human-interest story about the life and loves of a chump, perhaps with a few choice anecdotes from an old school chum.’

‘Let me buy you lunch.’

‘I thought you’d never ask.’

70: The minority rule

‘It doesn’t look right somehow, seeing you driving a vacuum cleaner. Besides, you don’t clean nearly enough. What you end up doing once a fortnight, should be done twice a week!’ So opined Charlie with a raised voice.

‘It may sound incredible, but I did survive until nearly fifty, before you came along.’ I shouted back.

‘That’s actually quite scary to think about. You, without an effective restraining influence.’

I turned off the machine. ‘I don’t suppose you have a candidate for the role of cleaning lady, or home help, or whoever you think, we lack.’

‘No, not yet. Which reminds me we need to pencil-in more fishing leave, if I’m to clock-up the full six weeks before next April.’

‘Do you ever think about diversity Tony?’

‘Not often, but I did notice the other day we defiantly had more butterflies in the garden than I remember from last year.’

‘I didn’t mean that, I meant here in the club.’ So said Cat, as we propped up the bar.

‘Oh, you mean different sorts of humankind. No not really. After all, we’re interested in attracting like-minded people, that’s what clubs do. Besides we’re a club within a private house that happens to be a small employer, we don’t have to worry, do we?’

‘No, I was just wondering if anyone was counting?’

‘Well, apparently you have to use self-reporting, so ask people what they self-identify as. Strikes me that helps no one, forever being asked to label your differences, to self-stigmatise, rather than notice what brings people together.’

‘Don’t get many Blacks!’

‘Well of course not, they have a tendency to be poorer and to live in cities, the ones we do get are all Americans, signed-in as guests of members. Still, plenty of Eastern and Orientals eh! Or is that too much of an imperial reference these days? And certainly, a higher percentage than live in the bay area as a whole.’

‘Well, that’s money and education for you.’

‘So, what brought this on?’

‘Well, we were rather twiddling our thumbs at the last membership committee, only took a few minutes to review the list for any urgent, priority cases, there weren’t any. And no one has died or moved on this month. Got to talking about discrimination and all that. It’s all very well having a policy of ‘people like us’ but are we missing out?’

‘But you’re quite good at spotting, when you’re missing out the kind of people we need. I mean take Charlie, hardly your typical candidate.’

‘Yes, but you must have noticed old boy, how she’s changed. She’s more like one of us, than one of us now!’

‘Bravo to that.’

‘And what about religion?’

‘Ah well, we can’t be faulted there, we have representatives of every contradictory faith imaginable. So much so, that the less identified, the better.’

‘It all makes you think, though. Don’t you think?’

‘Cat, the one really important fact about people like us, who feel we see the world clearly, is we’re a tiny minority, hidden away out of sight of the rest of the world. Now does that make us an elite, or an irrelevance?’

‘Life, doesn’t have a plot, does it Tony.’ Said my lunch companion.

‘No Tuffy. Just a beginning, a middle and an end.’

‘I suppose one must consider oneself to be at the end of the middle.’

‘Or the beginning of the end.’

‘I say, that’s rather, glass half-full.’

‘Ah, but by being pessimistic, I’m always being pleasantly surprised.’

‘Do you ever think about love?’

‘You haven’t asked that question in a while! No, I think about sex, from dawn till dusk.’

‘Good lord!’

‘Now don’t get me wrong. Charlie puts it rather well, talks about love, like joy, having to be remade every day. The point is, as a heterosexual male, I have a sexualised orientation to life, a traditional masculinity if you will, towards everything. So, everything is a flirtation, an attempt at seduction, everything has a sexual component although actual sexual intimacy only occurs periodically. Before I settled down with Charlie, I had the reputation of being a bit of a lunchtime Lothario; so be it. You pay close attention to women you like; you create an atmosphere in which they, either verbally or non-verbally can communicate what they want. Then you give them, whatever they want. Which of course can be anything at all, sexual or otherwise.’

‘But where’s the right and wrong?’

‘There is no set menu Tuffy, just everything, everyone, slowly evolving.’

‘Victoria has led me back to the church, you really should seek a spiritual path.’

‘I have no problem finding spiritual experiences, religion can be fitted-in to evolution easily enough, but you can’t fit evolution into religion.’

‘It’s rhubarb crumble with lashings of custard today!’

‘And your Victoria’s religion allows that does it?’

‘Of course.’

‘How enlightened.’

‘Tony! I want you to meet Harry!’ So said the Don.

‘Henry Walpole, Don says you are the club.’ So said a small rotund male.

‘And I say more than that Harry; he is the spa, the conference centre and the Park. And, via the Arlington Trust, one of the most significant landowners in this part of the world.’

‘You flatter me Don.’

‘Only one thing holds him back from total domination - and that’s his better half.’

‘Ah, now that I do understand, my wife has recently retired me to the countryside, hence my desire to find somewhere to hole-up. This is all very pleasant I must say.’

‘Well, once you’ve got your face known, you must apply for membership.’

‘Harry, is not without reputation Tony, he has featured in many a crime story in our pages. As a legal eagle of course.’

‘Defence barrister, man and boy, alas now put out to grass.’

‘Tony here, let me tell you, was responsible for recovering the Crimean gold.’

‘Ah! Therefore, the better half Don mentioned, is in fact the Valette, also a feature of The Beacon?’

‘She gets around our Charlie.’

‘I look forward to making her acquaintance.’

‘She’s known to most as Sparkwell.’ I added.

‘Not by any chance related to a certain god-bothering gentlemen who it’s been my displeasure to encounter around the law courts by any chance?’

‘Daughter.’

‘Then I’m sure we’ll get along just fine. And if she ever needs legal representation, I’m her man.’

‘We’ll bare that in mind.’

‘Does the name Henry Walpole mean anything to you?’

‘I’ve never met him. Father was always moaning about him.’

‘What is he?’

‘Defending barrister, must be pretty ancient now. A thorn in father’s side, forever getting people off. A bit of a rascal.’

‘How so?’

‘Well, using underhand methods, like not taking the police’s word as gospel, but doing his own investigating, turning up new evidence and surprise witnesses.’

‘Sounds like a resourceful chap.’

‘Oh my god! He’s turned up at the club?’

‘The Don had him in tow.’

‘That figures. Had some remarkable successes in scandalous cases. You and Cat had better watch out, he’ll spot your machinations.’

‘Really. He offered his services to you, the second he found out who you were.’

‘My enemy’s enemy is my friend.’

‘Your strategic thinking is coming on by leaps and bounds.’

‘Rory! Long time no see, Charlie mentioned she was scheduled to give you a good pummelling. Come, let us sit by the fire.’

‘You know, the thing about Charlotte is, one always feels so much better about the rest of the world after a treatment. Funny that, almost benevolent.’

‘Well, that’s good, for an MP, what?’

‘Yes, you know if it weren’t for Prudence, I could happily spend my entire career on the backbenches.’

‘Becoming ambitious on your behalf, again, is she?’

‘Yes. Oh Tony! The problem is I’ve no idea how these chaps go about ministerial advancement.’

‘Well, surely they get themselves noticed, make grand speeches championing the issues of the day.’

‘But what are the issues?’

‘Well I would have thought the important one was obvious, the government has spent ten years worth of income, in a little over two years!’

‘Oh, yes, I suppose.’

‘Now then let’s stare into the fire, and see if we can’t foretell your future.’

69: Minor crimes and misdemeanours

‘Herr Gruber has arrived, sir.’

‘Okay. I’ll come down.’

‘I’m off to the shoppe, anything you require?’

‘Only a souvenir copy of The Beacon, Wooley’s capabilities with a smartphone camera are remarkable.’

‘The coffee is on.’

‘Excellent.’

The three of us sat, rather dumbfounded, around Charlie’s kitchen table. Before us was The Beacon’s front page. Under the banner headline, UP YOURS was an enlarged picture of Buffy, wearing his version of rugby kit, surrounded by his security detail. The Don had caught the PM with his tongue fully extended at the same time as his right arm was partially raised with the palm clenched and facing inward with just the middle digit straightened!

‘Is it true that palace flunkies lay out all the daily newspapers for Her Majesty in her private apartments?’ Asked Barmy.

‘Yes, wherever she happens to be.’

‘All the papers have it, Don must have sold it to everyone.’ Added Charlie.

‘Just as well she’s known for fixing her own, modest breakfast!’

‘Still, isn’t the whole point of the visit that the PM gets informal face time with the monarch?’ Barmy enquired further.

‘Indeed. Perhaps she’ll lecture him on inappropriate cultural appropriation. Anyway, since we are all sat here at this largish table, and between us can claim to represent the club dining committee, the finance and general purposes committee and the spa committee, I may as well show you the latest plans for the Park.’

I ran upstairs and returned with a cardboard tube. With an appropriate flourish, I laid before my companions an architect’s drawing. After we’d all reached for glasses and bowed our heads for a moment or two, Charlie said; ‘So it’s an extension out the back, with a patio, drinking fountain, then inside, aquatherapy where the garden currently starts.’

‘But all that necessitates a turnaround inside. New reception, more changing rooms. And we seal off access via the club, whilst opening up an entrance of it’s own onto the carpark. Your committee becomes the Sport and Spa committee. Those with just a golf membership, can get their own way in, but be processed via the spa.’

‘You think golfers are less clubbable, ya?’

‘And more prone to back injuries. Fact is the golf course; the spa and the conference facilities are growth areas. Whilst the club is in essence full, more members will just make it less amiable, we are already waiting for people to die off. Well, that’s the plan so far.’

‘So, how do we get the injured from the Games Room to the spa?’ Asked Charlie.

‘Good question.’ Added Barmy.

‘Just as easily, either taking the trolley out of the front or back door, level “disability” access either way.’

‘Oh right. Can I leave you to give our guest the tour, sir?’

‘Of course.’

‘I’m going to see what’s fresh to pick in the garden.’

Barmy, given the nature of his work, tends to take computer tech rather for granted. Once inside the Media Room, he seemed immediately preoccupied with the state of my library. ‘You have the breadth of learning, the historical reach, I admire that. But this arranging on a timeline, it makes for odd bedfellows I think, Dickens, Kipling and Conan Doyle amongst the European peasantry and the industrial magnets, fascinating. My mind is really too narrow for teaching you know, I reflect on that often, I make the students even worse.’

‘What, even fighter pilots?’

‘Sure, I seem to just take them even deeper into a world of minute calculations in featureless spaces. Your world is full of colour.’

‘That was Charlie’s first impression, the colour, even before she could tell one volume from another or realise there was a history of ideas. How’s Melisa?’

‘Interested, absorbed. It’s Daphne who you make think. I wouldn’t be surprised if it is the same trick with Charlie.’

‘Perhaps, that and providing a home for her to play in.’

‘Don’t ever let her grow-up will you.’

‘No, she tried that, didn’t suit.’

‘Yes, of course. I move on from the Navy soon, both the Brits and the Americans want me to write an assessment of the state of play with remote flying, also the alternatives, whether headsets might be the future, end of control panels and dashboards and all that.’

‘Dashboards make me think of cars, how long have us petrol heads got?’

‘A long time I would guess, two main things, a network of filling stations which are also garages where it is easy to leave one or two pumps; plus, what counts as a new car? Does an old one with almost all new parts count?’

Before Barmy left, I asked; ‘How far has Melisa actually got in her reading?’

‘She is currently immersed in the one about the two sisters, the wicked father and the deadly snake.’

‘The Speckled Band, how appropriate!’

A few days later, Charlie had me on my back in the treatment room; ‘I saw you were conspiring with the PM, again.’

‘Ah, that reminds me, given Rory will be hanging around the Park for the next few weeks…’

‘Yes.’

‘I need to approach him regarding a rather sensitive topic, you might tip me off, the next time you finish giving him a treatment.’

‘Oh, yes?’

‘You don’t wanna know.’

‘Very good, sir.’ And after a pause. ‘I know why you’re prepared to splash-out on the spa.’

‘Really?’

‘Archie told me about the offer, due to come before the main trustees.’

‘Ah.’

‘It’s a huge amount.’

‘Well, Thayer thinks it’s enough to scrap any idea of an auction with it’s inherent risks, and it comes from a group with a lot of experience in property management, who wouldn’t have a problem raising the cash.’

‘Will you all accept it?’

‘I would have thought it likely.’

‘Blimey!’

‘Well not so blimey, if you divide the price by the amount collected in rents from Melbury buildings every year, and then subtract the salaries of the dozen or so craftsmen we now have employed on restoration work across the county. Power comes with responsibilities, that’s the game we’re in now.’

‘And age makes one feel more responsible.’

‘Yes, I suppose so. But in some odd ways sometimes. Take our Doc, he’s starting to insist one turns-up on a regular basis for all sorts of testing, since I turned fifty. Seems, the medical profession is determined to make the older person into a hypochondriac. Health suddenly becomes all about who can live the longest, no matter how much medical tech you have to be strapped on to.’

‘But surely he’s pleased about your lifestyle improvements over the last couple of years?’

‘Oh, yes. But that just makes him ever keener, thinks he has a willing participant in their conspiracy. He won’t say, “carry-on, get even fitter on your own”, oh no, he’ll mention this or that pill to reduce even further any sign of aging. If they sold it as being about the quality of life, today, it wouldn’t be so bad, but they just can’t help banging-on about life expectancy.’

‘Perhaps he’s worried I’ll wear you out, bring on a sudden attack or seizure.’

‘Oh, well carry-on then, I couldn’t think of a better way to go.’

One day, soon after, Charlie jumped up from her desk exclaiming; ‘The police are here!’

‘Good lord.’

‘It’s the Chief Constable, she appears to be on her own.’

‘Blimey, as you might say.’

Charlie let her into the reception room. Then returned; ‘She wants to speak to us together.’

‘I see. What have you done?’

‘Me!’

Upon entering, I offered the esteemed officer a seat. ‘No thanks, I’m not stopping, I’m here against my better judgement as it is, but nonetheless, better this than a public ceremony with all the attendant free publicity. Here you are, one each.’

‘One what?’

‘Commendation certificates, for the return of the Crimean gold. Not my idea, and I’m supposed to say thanks from the First Lord of the Treasury. It was also suggested, that because of your ongoing cooperation coordinating the visits of said First Lord, that I should be the one to send in a recommendation for something for you both in the next honours list, not sure I can bring myself to do that.’

‘Well, you don’t want to be stuck in this neck of the woods all your career...’

Don’t, don’t even think of going there. Good day to you both.’

68: Rivals and restorations

I was lounging away an hour or so at the club one day, when I was approached by the secretary. ‘Anthony, my dear fellow, I wonder, can you tell me, in my capacity as manager of the Park, who or what the Constitution Group are? They’re seeking to book conference facilities via the website, and I haven’t a clue who one might be letting in!’

‘Ah, now, yes indeed. They consist, I think of about thirty in all, some MPs, some policy wonks plus assorted members of the governing party. All Brexiteers, but of a certain inclination, those who have a rather literal interpretation of “taking back control”, they lobby for the dismantling of all that European law accumulated over the last forty-five years or so.’

‘All Leavers, you say?’

‘Yes, but of a particular kind, there’s another group who just call themselves The Free Traders, who as you might imagine are concerned with barriers to trade, like their nineteenth century forebears. No, this lot, well the most extreme elements, would like to see the Supreme Court, taken to court under the Trades Descriptions Act, for flying under false colours. But the more sophisticated feel we should return to having just five Law Lords, properly confined within the Palace of Westminster with just one corridor to work from again! There is a body of opinion that says you can transform the countries fortunes a lot quicker if you simply repeal, on mass. Allow the common law and precedent to assert itself, so the previous law is automatically reinstated.’

‘Good lord, would that work?’

‘I’ve absolutely no idea.’

‘All sounds a bit eccentric.’

‘Of course, others simply call the Constitution Group - the Frimley Coates Supporters Club.’

‘Oh well. That’s all right. I’ll give them the go ahead then.’

‘Barmy’s back, he has the new pins, needs a bit of muscle to help in the Games Room though.’

‘Oh, right. Er, carry-on Sparkwell.’

‘Ah, she’s a game girl that one.’ Said the anonymous member sat next to me at the bar.

A while later I silently put my head around the entrance to the hallway. ‘Just hold her steady, I’m almost there Charlie.’ The two of them had begun to attract a crowd of onlookers, happy to merely watch and admire “men at work” so to speak.

‘Taught me all I know about keeping one’s back in shape.’ Someone quipped.

‘Loosened me up no end - and I’m due to collect my pension next year.’ Said another. I crept away.

A few days later, we were back. ‘Frimley!’

‘Anthony.’

‘I hear you and your cronies will be taking over the conference area for a couple of days next week. Have everything you need?’

‘Oh, I think so. Now you’re offering a dozen bedrooms it makes life easier. I should tip you the wink though, that the PM may put in an appearance. Apparently, Carrie has a cottage somewhere in the area, they’re hoping for a few days away from media intrusion. I merely mention it in case there’s any last-minute need for, well you and your companion’s skills at crowd control, so to speak.’

‘Thanks for letting us know.’

‘It does also occur to me that, my little convocation, might benefit from Wooley’s presence in the back row, as it were.’

‘Really?’

‘Extraordinary influence that rag has over the hearts and minds of the great British public.’

‘Perhaps I should leak your presence.’

‘That would be extraordinarily generous of you. Ready for a top-up?’

A week on and I was thinking it really might be judicious if we were present at the Park for day one of Frimley’s shindig. Not only had Wooley taken the bait, but Carrie had phoned the evening before to say Buffy was getting restless at the cottage and was threatening to seek an alternative sanctuary; ‘Somehow I don’t see the club working for him without your presence darling, you’re one of the few who can rein him in.’

Charlie proved hesitant. ‘So, remind me, where is the pecuniary advantage, in us doing this?’

‘Well, there isn’t one, apart from whatever fees are being collected from Coates’ mob.’

‘So?’

‘Well, it’s just about the general wellbeing of those we know and love.’

‘You mean your rather dubious acquaintances.’

‘Yes, okay, all of that. Just answer me this; wouldn’t you be feeling rather anxious and restless if you were stuck here, knowing that lot had the run of the Park to themselves?’

We planned no specific interventions you understand, beyond showing our faces everywhere and being convivial. We found the Don stoking the fire in the lounge. ‘I doubt you’ll find any interesting stories in here.’ I chided.

‘Tony! Yes, well. Frimley’s crew are still offering introductory congratulations and doing their version of an ice-breaker. I’d forgotten you don’t allow alcohol before twelve.’

‘Coffee Don?’ Asked Charlie.

‘Thank you, my darling.’ He watched her as she trailed off towards the bar. ‘Our readers like her. But it’s my proprietor who’s keen on what the constitutionalists have to say, how one spins that to our followers, god knows!’

‘What do the focus groups and reader’s panels tell you?’

‘Oh, traditionalists to the last man and woman, it’s just, how many people remember life before the EU? Where’s all this wood coming from these days?’

‘Purchased, at the normal rate from the local horticultural centre. The fact that they and the farms that supply them, are all owned by the family Trust, is a pure coincidence.’

‘Yes, of course.’

As Charlie returned and set down the tray, she said in her quiet unassuming way; ‘There would appear, gentlemen, to be a minor disturbance in the grounds...’ The Don was gone before she could elaborate. ‘At this distance, it would appear to be a band of warriors or insurgents, dodging around the golf course and approaching the far side of the lake, sir.’

On reaching the veranda window we were met by the sight of what might have been a platoon of commandos, running slightly stooped, towards the house. A darkly dressed group, around a central figure partially dressed and recognisable only too easily by the shock of hair. I was instantly transported back to school.

‘Who’s the blighter in the rugger shirt and pre-war footer bags? I’m sure I’ve seen him before.’ Said one of the older bar regulars.

‘Oh, Quentin darling, he’s the Prime Minister for goodness’ sake.’ Replied his much younger female companion.

‘Looks more like Roderick Spode, the amateur dictator.’

‘Oh, no, not another grand entrance.’ I mumbled under my breath to no one in particular.

‘You must wait for the “warm down”, it’s become quite a ritual of late.’ I turned to find Carrie at my shoulder, carrying what I assumed was Buffy’s change of clothes. ‘It all began with the protection officers trying to teach him the proper way to end a run, now it’s morphed into his version of a Maori Haka.’

‘Ah, Anthony, there you are, I was hoping for a word.’

‘You do surprise me Prime Minister.’

‘Gosh, still a little out of breath. Now then, now the crises can be presumed to be behind us, we’re anxious to move the agenda forward. The thing is, I’m often not the right person to raise issues. The media, the opposition and some of the great unwashed, seem to like it when I’m seen to be a bit out of touch, taken by surprise and forced to reluctantly concede things.’

‘Can’t say I’d noticed.’

‘Well, you never were much of a politico. Anyway, I was hoping Rory might come up with one of his ideas, make a speech maybe at one of the fringe party conference meetings next month.’

‘Since when has Rory, ever been known to have had an idea?’

‘Well, the last time you gave him one of course.’ Buffy then proceeded to outline his plan, and how I should persuade Rory, with or without the assistance of Prudence, to make a speech which would arouse support in the party and eventual cause the PM, to act. He then realised he was late for his appointment with Frimley’s followers.

‘See you later perhaps,’ I said.

‘No, we must be leaving for Scotland directly after my speech. We’ve been commanded to attend for a convivial long weekend at Balmoral Castle.’

67: The tea party

‘Welcome to our humble abode, one and all.’ Daphne and her daughters, Melisa and Belinda, turned to look at me with apparent wide-eyed surprise as I entered the reception room on what was turning out to be one of the last sunny summer afternoons. ‘Oh, I’m sorry, have I interrupted someone’s joke before the punchline?’ This was followed by tittering all round.

‘You know Charlotte I do believe you’re correct, there is a distinct family resemblance, now you come to mention it.’

‘Oh, lord! I must confess it hadn’t occurred to me that there might be a downside to putting her on such prominent display. Do sit down all of you, I trust you found us without difficulty?’

‘You forget Tony, I’ve been here before, almost exactly thirty years ago to the day.’

‘Well, I’ll be damned! Yes of course.’

‘I remember the picture too, unavoidable if one needed to use the loo!’

‘It was still there when Charlie first saw it.’

‘Scared the life out of me!’

‘It scared everybody!’ Replied Daphne.

‘When exactly was this Mummy?’ Asked Melisa.

‘End of our second year wasn’t it, Tony?’

‘Yes, I was stopping here for a few days before taking you for a long weekend at Checkley Manor. I remember picking you up at the railway station.’

‘Did he have a glamourous car then too?’

‘We thought so at the time, but looking back it was rather a cramped bone-shaker, not easy to get in and out of.’

‘An old MG Midget, if you care to look it up. Painted duck-egg blue, which is really a pale green, the colour they used to put on the underside of fighter aircraft.’

‘This room has changed, it used to be quite cluttered, now it looks much more formal.’

This was followed by a moment or two of silence, broken only by Melisa saying; ‘So why did the two of you break up; no one ever explains?’

‘Isn’t it obvious, I wasn’t good enough for her. Would you care for a guided tour Daphne, perhaps it would jog the memory even further?’

‘I thought you’d never ask.’

‘Would you care to lead the way, Charlie?’

‘Oh, no! I always learn so much I never knew, when you lead a tour!’

‘Very well. Now across the way, we have Charlotte’s lair, where the world comes to be restored...’

We ended, at the bottom of the garden. ‘This is what looks truly familiar, which of course can’t be literally true, obviously you’ve been making quite an effort at restoration.’

‘Well, thank you.’

‘I’ll make a start on tea. I’ll leave you to put out the tables Tony.’ So said Charlie, drifting away.

‘You’ve done marvellously well Tony, are you happy?’

‘Never better.’

‘It all rather makes one discontent for somewhere grander, though Barmy would never hear of it.’

‘She always gives Daddy the last word! Positively feudal.’ Said Melisa.

‘Strange choice of words for one so young.’

‘She’s recently discovered Wodehouse.’

‘Oh! Excellent. I always think of Wodehouse as a response to Sherlock Holmes, you might care to have the two on the go at the same time.’

‘Really! I’ve only ever seen him on the telly.’

‘Well, you are in for a treat.’

‘Now then Melisa.’ I said as we settled into our medicinal herbal tea. ‘Since we are sat here on my property - and it is truly in my name by the way, Charlie here preferring to remain of “no fixed abode” - I feel it beholden upon me, to give you a full and frank explanation as to how and why your father acquired the nickname, Barmy!

‘Oh, Tony!’ Interrupted Daphne.

‘No, no. The truth will out. Your father, as I’m sure you’ve worked out for yourself, is usually the smartest person in the room. This became apparent to all and sundry one day in Maths class, when he was just a few years younger than you are today. The teacher would speak aloud a calculation he wanted us boys to do, at the same time as chalking it on the blackboard. He would invariably say something like, “for full marks be sure to show your working-out”. Now, we would then write out the sum, stare at it for a while, then make an attempt with pencil and paper following the method we’d had drummed into us. Your father on the other hand would stare out of the window throughout. However, he always heard the question, and after a moment simply wrote down the correct answer, and after a further moment’s thought, would draw a circle around the number. Now this annoyed the teacher no end, when challenged, your father said he had no idea how he’d worked it out. The teacher always suspected some form of cheating, we on the other hand knew your father was just like that about all sorts of stuff. So, we just accepted it. One of us, I forget who, said something like, “oh he’s just barmy sir” and it stuck. The name is, what literary types would call a “term of endearment”. But of course, to use anyone’s nickname properly, you really must both like them, and be liked by them.’

‘How did he ever pass any exams?’ Asked Melisa.

‘He said he had to force himself to look up one of the proscribed methods beforehand and consciously remember it, he said exams were the most tedious hours of his whole school career.’

‘I can never understand why schooldays mean so much to the boys.’ Reflected Charlotte.

‘I’m afraid I can,’ replied Daphne, ‘it’s something about the quality and organisation of private education. Those who aren’t able to achieve the camaraderie get sent to Beaconsfield. I’m sorry, Tony mentioned it once.’

‘No problem.’

‘You’re very accepting and understanding about everything Charlotte, not sure I’d be so generous in your shoes.’

‘Well, I met one or two thrown-out of your dump too.’

‘Oh, touché.

‘We haven’t had the benefit have we Bel.’

‘No Mel.’

‘Well, children always rebel against their parent’s choices.’ Replied Daphne.

‘What’s projection Tony?’ Asked Melisa.

‘Oh, good god! Where do you pick up such things?’ Her mother interceded.

‘Well, it’s a psychological phenomenon, first mentioned by Sigmund Freud, but labelled by his daughter Anna, as the principal defence mechanism. Now let me see. You feel a certain emotion say, which you experience as uncomfortable or unacceptable so you play a kind of trick on yourself by ascribing it to others, it makes you feel better, by deciding it has come from somewhere else.’

‘Oh, I see.’

‘Couple of problems with it though. If you look hard enough, you’ll find every one does it to some degree. Secondly, because everyone does it, you realise it is really a social aspect of the species which kind of gets passed around, and not really the product of individuals at all. Worth ruminating about a bit though, can be a useful idea at times. But, projection is the mechanism or process, it has all sorts of varieties of expression, like rationalisation for example, which of course is exactly what I’ve just been doing.’

‘Well, its been awfully nice having a look around, still we should make a move before the rain returns. Barmy’s back next week, I’m sure he’d enjoy a poke about.’

‘Yes, before you go, just let me slip upstairs, there’s a book I’m sure Melisa would enjoy.’

‘So, what great tome of wisdom did you give Melisa?’

‘Just my pocket edition of The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes.’

‘I see. Odd child, is Daphne happy about you egging Melisa on?’

‘She will be. Mel is exceedingly bright. Bored and frustrated as a result. Much like her father was at her age. I have Barmy’s permission to interfere provided I can carry Daphne with me.’

‘And how do you propose to proceed?’

‘Well, if she takes to The Adventures, I’ll start her on Konnikova’s Mastermind - how to think like Sherlock Holmes.’

66: Repairs and renovations

‘Mr. Mackintosh is with-out, sir.’

‘Without what?’

‘He is proceeding along the tradesman’s path.’

‘Oh, I see. Show him into the reception room, and lay on morning coffee if you would. I want to gauge the reaction of someone who knew my late aunt, to the newly hung visage!’

‘Very good, sir.’

When I entered the reception room, I found Cat sat half-facing the fireplace with his back to the view, experiencing the full impact of the infamous portrait which now occupied pride of place on the back wall. I took the seat opposite him.

‘I say, that’s rather fierce, having the old relative over your shoulder like that.’

‘You think so?’

‘I must say the artist did catch the default disapproval rather well. Have you had it cleaned?’

‘No, it’s just the effect of full sunlight. Anyway, I trust you’re here to give me an update on all matters of mutual interest.’

‘The garden is looking most impressive.’

‘Er, yes. We’re just recovering from two weeks of intensive treatment from the team that usually attends upon all woodwork projects at Checkley Manor.’

‘The new back gate works a treat, lockable again I notice. I say what happened to the bower.’

‘Ah, well, Murchison, our gardener, took advice to drastically prune it, more or less start again, with the warning that it, was almost certainly the only thing holding up the old frame. Such proved to be the case.’

‘It smells a bit odd.’

‘The new frame has been treated with something organic. You may also have noticed the rebuilt shed and the new cold frames?’

‘The gleaming paint was a bit of a give away. Traditional green, with white trim, very Victorian.’

‘Well, now.’

‘Well, what?’

‘I’m waiting.’

‘Ah…’ At which point we were interrupted by Charlie bringing in the coffee. ‘Well, it’s a job to know where to start sometimes.’

‘How’s the apartment?’

‘Fine, fine.’

‘Keeping in with “she who must be obeyed”?’

‘Absolutely. I must say that Jim is an interesting character, had a fascinating conversation with him about locks the other day.’

‘Really.’

Charlie seemed to have decided her presence might be required and had quietly pulled up one of her straight-backed chairs.

‘And your man Brinkley, he’s an odd fellow, still, thanks for all the tenancy stuff, being so generous with the rent and all that.’ And after another pause. ‘I say, I wandered by Jack’s garage the other week, thought it about time I became a bit more respectable regarding transport, he’s got an old Triumph that might suit…’

‘You are amongst friends Cat, you can spit it out, without fear of offence. Perhaps we should talk about the Park?’

‘Ah, now then. Barmy did diagnostics on the flight simulator before leaving again for the Navy. Apparently, what happen was that two of the pins sheered, which is what’s meant to happen under stress, therefore nothing important is bent out of shape. Only problem is, we have to wait upon him acquiring a new set personally, on the quiet, we can’t order them officially without giving away the ID of the machine and its current location, it you see what I mean?’

‘Indeed.’

‘The landscape architects and that chap from the council have been nosing around again. Apparently, there’s no problem about enhancing the perimeter and making it more secure, but when it comes to the public right of way, we’re expected to do better about signposts, the proposed diversion to avoid the threat of stray golf balls however, has to go before some sort of meeting.’

‘Well that all sounds okay. Dare I mention water?’

‘Good news and bad there, I’m afraid old man.’

‘Go on.’

‘I’ve been assiduous with my monitoring, it’s rather as you feared, setting aside the summit, as a one-off event, then the overall water level has held up. But not much margin for error. So, any idea of watering the golf course, or developing the stable block as private residences or indeed building a swimming pool will have to be knocked on the head. You might get away with a drinking fountain and a small aquatherapy pool though.’

‘Subject normal then.’

‘More or less.’

‘More or less?’

‘It being the silly season and all that, all the politicos are at home and hanging around the club, letting off steam, Frimley Coates, Rory Flotterton and Prudence, and there’s talk of Buffy and Carrie holidaying in the area!’

‘Ah, well, nice to be forewarned.’

‘I’m in the money again.’

‘Oh, yes?’

‘Two cheques, one is from The Beacon for the Crimean gold pictures, it should be made out to you really.’

‘No, no. I have no income other than from the Trust. It’ll do much more good boosting your coffers. What’s the other one?

‘A cheque for my latest article for The Countrywoman.’

‘Ah, excellent.’

‘You don’t seem surprised; she’s never paid me before.’

‘Well, you remember during our summer visit I spent sometime in deep conversation with Julia about the magazine, well the upshot was I persuaded her to start keeping real accounts and paying everyone properly for services rendered. I managed to get the message across, that until she did have real accounts, they’d never know how much the business was actually losing - but more importantly still, know the effect that recent changes have already made, and what would be needed to push them into real profit!’

‘What a charmer you are.’

‘Well not really, I merely gave her an assurance that the Trust would guarantee their overdraft for the time being.’

‘So, what is the real situation?’

‘Hard to say yet, but things are moving in the right direction.’

‘I can make another trip to see Archie then, find out what you’re all really up to!’

Autumn rain, as is the English habit in August, was falling on Kenneth as he defiantly laboured in the garden. Definitely a day for tea around the kitchen table, rather than the patio. Then I had an idea. ‘Charlie!’

‘Sir.’

‘Serve tea for Kenneth in the reception room today, if you please.’

‘I have already prepared the room.’

‘Good lord!’

‘I anticipated you’d be unable to resist the temptation, sir.’

‘You did, did you? You haven’t by any chance found out the truth in his assertion that the Aunt never paid him? His refusal to accept remuneration bothers me slightly.’

‘He continues to maintain, that it has always been a privilege, simply being here.’

‘Yes. He’s told me more than once his pension is adequate to meet his needs.’

‘A while ago, on our way to the garden centre, I picked him up at his home, it’s a modest flat but in rather a grand area with a grand view.’

‘Is it indeed. He remains, something of a man of mystery.’

‘Oh, my word, you have done her proud. You know, she was far too modest to have hung it there herself.’

‘Really?’

‘Indeed, it may be presumptuous of me to say so, but the two of you only saw the one side of her.’

‘You must feel free to enlighten us at any time.’

‘Thank you.’

‘I must say I still feel a little bad that we’re not paying you.’

‘Ah, but look how much you’ve invested in the garden in the short time you’ve been here. You encourage me to even greater efforts. There is, but perhaps I shouldn’t say...’

‘Oh, do feel free to speak.’

‘Well, as you might imagine its not been easy to maintain the Book Club of late, what with the pandemic and Elisabeth being such a powerful mainstay. We had the advantage of all being jabbed fairly early but even so we’ve only managed three scratch meetings thus far, we’re not really the kind of group to go Zoom.’

‘You have a proposal to make?’

‘Well, seeing her there, so resplendent in youth, emboldens me to ask whether you would allow me to continue hosting the club here, once in a way, perhaps especially on Boxing Day. With a little assistance from Sparkwell I’m sure we wouldn’t be inconveniencing you in any way.’

‘Kenneth, you have a way of putting things, that makes any refusal sound like bad form.’

‘Can I take that as a, yes?’

65: The great bank heist (part two)

‘We’re on a schedule and I haven’t even been properly briefed.’

‘Need to know.’ It was early morning and we were sat in the car, covering the entrance to the old bank.

‘Just tell me why this isn’t just, common burglary then?’

‘I am a Trustee, you are a Trustee, we are entering our own property. It just happens to be outside normal business hours.’

‘And Fin?’

‘He’s our contractor, here to do routine maintaince on the security system he installed; testing it, involves disabling it.’

‘And my role.’

‘Observer, here to take pictures of anything of interest which may happen, secure in the knowledge you cannot possibly incriminate yourself. Besides, if we turn up anything interesting, I’ll be the one waking up the Chief Constable, before alerting our friends in the media.’

‘You mean, if there’s a haul, it already belongs to us.’

‘Well, morally, probably not. But we will be seen to do the right thing.’

‘But why all the drama of a dawn swoop?

‘Because the valve lies not in what may be recovered, but the story of how it is recovered. Right, here they come.’

‘Are we set? Everyone know what they’re doing? Gloves, check. Okay, Fin, here are the two keys for the side entrance.’

‘Where did they come from?’ Demanded Charlie.

‘They’re the spares, I palmed them the other day whilst Bernard’s attention was elsewhere.’

‘What!’

‘Well, what with all that card manipulation for the wedding reception, my hands kind of did it for themselves. Cat, these are the keys for the safe.’

‘They look right, according to Mr Chubb’s catalogue, circa eighteen fifty.’ He replied.

‘Oh my god.’ Murmured Charlie.

Cat produced two cans of aerosol, one merely fresh air we were assured, the other the latest refinement of jet engine lubricant. Having blasted out dust and dirty, he held up each key, lightly sprayed them with magic oil and let them drop into the keyholes. ‘This could take a while, the mechanism will have a hole on the other side, when this liquidises again it may drip on whatever’s in there. I’ll do lots of gentle jiggling, but eventually one key will turn clockwise, the other anti, so the bolts withdraw from the side panels.’ After a while one key just kept turning, trying the other in the opposite direction, it worked too. ‘Now, the lid has to be lifted off, it has no complete hinge, just these groves that it sits in. There you go.’

We stared into the abyss. The only item, was some sort of smallish rectangular shaped leather holdall. ‘Kind of thing an engine driver might carry, room for a metal flask, bacon and eggs for frying on the fireman’s shovel.’ So offered Fin.

‘I’ll try the handles.’ Said Cat. Almost immediately he paused; ‘It’s heavy, there’s a fair chance these handles will give way. Fin, Charlie, get your hands underneath it as soon as you can.’

As soon as it was safely on the floor, Cat undid the straps and pulled back the cover.

‘Kitchen foil!’ Exclaimed Charlie.

‘Wooden lining, then lead foil.’ Corrected Cat. He peeled back one side, then the other. They lacked any lustre, they were small ingots and looked roughly made from a poor mould, but they were the right colour. There was a note, in copper-plate on a stiff placement card of some sort, it read; ‘I am the last of the Crimean gold.’

‘Well, well, who’d have thought. The sly old bugger, he primed me and I didn’t even know it. He didn’t know himself, just a gut feeling.’

‘Who? Your father?’ Charlie spoke.

‘I was only about ten, out of the blue one day he said; “Let’s take the afternoon off, go see a movie”. In this very city would you believe, The First Great Train Robbery starring Sean Connery. Of course, coming back into the light afterwards I must have said something like; “Was it a true story, did it really happen?” Then he explained, it was mostly fantasy, but there had been a real robbery, first of its kind, of the London Bridge - Folkestone boat train in the eighteen-fifties, a transfer of gold coins and bullion between London and Paris banks to balance the reserves, since onward payments for the war in Crimea would come from the French banks.’

‘Time-check please, Tony.’ Asked Cat.

‘Christ!’ I stepped forward and took a close-up snap of the exposed ingots and note. ‘Right, I’ll text that, to you know who. Now, Charlie, a variety of photos of the whole scene, show context, show safe as well, no people but something to show scale, we’ll all step back in the corner. Now, the call. Ringing. Ah! Good morning, Chief Constable, I’d like to report the discovery of stolen property, property of the Crown I have reason to believe. ..I’m using the same device I’ve used before, location activated. Thought I ought to inform you immediately on account of any moment now, cleaning services will enter the building, be surprised that alarms don’t go off, flip the switch, discover the alarms do go off; but anyway, your colleagues may get prolonged flashing lights, I thought you might care to take personal control?’

Next, I took a look at Charlie’s pictures; ‘There’s just one to add. Charlie, stand about there, take off your gloves, pick up an ingot and make like you’re holding a winning lottery ticket.’

And she did. ‘Right, here’s your phone back. Text the pictures to Wooley now, may take several texts, no words; then wait for him to call you.’ Then the alarm system went off.

‘How long before the police arrive?’ Asked Cat.

‘Depends who’s in the vicinity. Depends who gets informed. We’ll open the basement door, indicate our presence, we don’t want unnecessary strangers and chaos throughout the building.’

‘I’ll go first,’ said Fin, ‘I’ve met some of the cleaners before. Besides, I’d like to get to the nearest video panel, see what’s happening in the street.’

We hung back as Fin proceeded with caution. After a minute or so there was conversation above. Another couple of minutes and Fin called me; ‘You’re on speaker,’ I responded.

‘There were just a couple of rozzers standing by their car, next to your car as it happens, you’ll be illegally parked in twenty-three minutes by the way. Anyway, madam just arrived, with another male officer of some sort.’

‘Right, make sure all aspects of the security system are switched back on, as in normal working day, then back here as fast as you can. Charlie, gloves back on now those pics are sent.’

‘This had better be good Anthony, just because you’re connected, doesn’t mean I won’t nick you for wasting police time. Please put your phone down Sparkwell. Oh Christ, you’ve got the whole placed wired, haven’t you?’

‘Meet Fin Heptonstall here, he installed it all, including the latest facial recognition technology. Perhaps, if you would allow Charlie to take a picture of you with the haul, she’ll text it to The Beacon, it might get into print along with all the others she’s already sent, then you’d have praise showered upon you by a grateful nation...’

‘We’ll see about that. Okay, let the dog see the rabbit.’

It was after we’d all departed the scene, leaving everything to forensics, that the Chief Constable suddenly paused; ‘I’ve just realised, its bloody you. Isn’t it? Last week I got a memo about what facial recognition software we’re supposed to buy, it said a demo could be provided by Brinkley Associates.’

‘Tried and tested commercial software, off the shelf, at the normal commercial rate. You know, where you went wrong with that previous system was trying to use your old mugshot database and just round up the usual suspects...’

‘Shut it! For almost two years now I’ve been forced to waste countless hours reading documents about you two. Orders from on high. You want to know what conclusion I’ve come to? Charlotte, despite straying, on several occasions, has always wanted to play it straight, whilst you, have a clean record, all the privileges, but are forever tempting provenance, be warned, I always get my man.’

‘Well, I would love to chat more, it’s just that we must get going, otherwise in two minutes time you’ll be entitled to slap a ticket on our car.’

End of season five.