48: A bubble in the country

‘A jolly decent chap.’

‘Who?’

‘The assistant coroner I’ve just been speaking to. When I asked him specific questions, he gave straight answers, and when I didn’t ask, he stuck to giving me the minimum necessary details.’

‘So, who else have you managed to talk to?’

‘Births, deaths, and marriages, auntie’s vicarage and the only funeral director I know.’

‘And the answer is?’

‘Still not sure, a few more complications. Yes, auntie always did want to be buried alongside my uncle Thomas but that’s not going to happen, the funeral director suggested scattering her ashes at his graveside. I’m to email details ahead of time to the registry office to minimise contact when actually there. Right, time to check-out the Villa and see if I can confirm my memory of some of those details. I have the spare keys, I’ll drive.’

‘I’m afraid I’m going to immediately disrespect her memory by parking out the front because we have no choice but to use the front door!’

‘Do you know where to look for stuff?’

‘Well, I know where she did her letters, I’m hoping everything will be at arm’s reach. She didn’t drive and in recent years didn’t travel - an original copy of the birth certificate is of course what they’d be delighted to see. I would too, come to that, given their system is designed around them, connecting automatically to her marriage certificate and the whole family tree - that’s according to what I’ve read about research in Uncle’s account of his family. Compatible with census data and the War Graves Commission...’

‘Enough. Come on, time to move.’

‘Take a walk around, I’m sure there are bits of the house you haven’t seen yet.’

‘Okay.’

I settled myself down at the Aunt’s fold-down desk, part of a larger cabinet in her living room. Thankfully it wasn’t that old, otherwise I’d have been looking for hidden cachets! Presumably it was close, but not obvious.

‘Oh, really, this is too easy’, I spoke aloud a few moments later, as my hand came to rest on an envelope taped to the bottom of the shelf, accessed via the upper most draw below. ‘And, one green marriage certificate too, both in a traditional legal envelope. Bravo.’

I was awoken from a bit of a trance by a sudden exclamation from the floor above. ‘Oh my God. Tony!’ I moved as swiftly as I could. When I saw what had caused such alarm, I had to laugh.

‘It’s not funny, it’s spooky!’

‘You need the landing light on to fully appreciate it. There you go.’

‘Well, that’s better, just. Who painted it?’

‘Quite a distinguished RA I was always told.’

‘I’d have refused to pay the bill!’

‘All in the eye of the beholder, she and Uncle Thomas loved it, been there as long as I can remember, shown off to all comers.’

‘How old was she?’

‘Twenty-five-ish, I think.’

‘She didn’t change much did she!’

‘As a child I thought the eyes followed me around the room.’

A few days later we headed into the countryside. As we entered Checkley, as usual by the back door, laden with our modest baggage, we were expecting to see only the empty cavernous hallway with the familiar stone tiles. Instead, we were met by the sight of a voluminous pile of delivery boxes and our hosts standing rather formally to greet us. Julia took a step forward; ‘Tony, my darling, what can I say.’ We hugged awhile. ‘Damn it, she’s left me to cope with you alone. What am I to do with him Charlie?’

‘Fear not, madam. I’ll see there’s no backsliding.’

‘Ha! What did I tell you my dear? “Charlotte will see us right”. Now then young man, what is the meaning of all this?’ So said Uncle pointing at the accumulated deliveries.

‘My gift to you, giving you hands-on control of the Park, and your family history activities. Whilst Julia, can spend as much time on The Countrywoman as she likes.’

‘And you think you can set it all up for us, demonstrate it to us without causing mass disruption and headaches all round.’

‘I know I can.’

‘Is he shooting his mouth off again Charlotte?’

‘He’s put my treatment room online, plus got the new Park development website up and running already, and he’s negotiating with the club staff and committee members for a portal within the same site. He’s making offers people can’t resist all over the place.’

‘But can we trust him?’

‘Well, he’s been teaching me from the off, that it’s better to assume you can’t trust anyone.’

‘Okay, okay. Now, may I have permission to raid your cellar, for the benefit of all of us?’

‘Of course, Tony,’ said Julia, ‘I’ll come with you, you’ll need help carrying what we need!’

‘So, what do you make of all this modelling?’

‘Oh, I’m inclined to stick with real history. The last time, almost exactly a century ago, conflict in Europe was followed by a pandemic followed by the roaring twenties and prosperity all round.'

‘You’ve always behaved as if you were living the jazz age all over again!’

‘Oh, thank you very much - one tries to maintain a certain style, certain standards.’

‘Do you think our Prime Minister is thinking of the history books?’

‘Buffy, let me tell you, has always wanted to be a legend in his own lunchtime, but yes, he has an eye to history too.’

‘Is he the balls-up, or is it his officials?’

‘Oh, I think he must have realised he’d been stitched-up in the first five minutes.’

‘Really?’

‘Big data, being what it is, the voting patterns from the Brexit vote and the general election, plus records of trade union membership and affiliation mean, it’s a statistical certainty that almost everyone Buffy has to rely on is an opposition-voting remoaner! Plus, the added nightmare of the medical profession - doctors who didn’t become surgeons, or GP’s, or even psychiatrists, but went in for health education, preventive health. And ably assisted by university epidemiologists. Four out five university lecturers and researchers in the social sciences, health sciences, arts and literature - not to mention the educationalists themselves - are openly, of the Left. And it makes no difference even if these people think they are being strict with themselves about traditional civil service ethics of impartiality. Think about it, every single official has from day one of their working lives been working with EU directives handed down from above. And yet, we know that over the last ten years voters have been slowly but surely been moving to the Right. The entire elite is being anti-democratic, simply by carrying on doing what they normally do. Buffy, and his band of brothers, his happy few, probably don’t even have the relevant facts placed before them with which to balls it up!’

‘And this is the man Tony calls his arch enemy! Since school, apparently. More wine anyone?’

A while later. ‘If I might just call this meeting to order.’ Said Julia. ‘Just what precisely is in those boxes in the hall?’

‘Right then. You know how you originally had your “his and hers” desks set-up facing each other in the library...’

‘They still are.’

‘Quite. But back in the day, you sat opposite each other doing your letters and general administrating etc. All the while staring lovingly into each other’s, what’s its...’

‘What a soppy couple you make us sound.’

‘Well, you each now have matching, large 16:9 ratio monitors, but supported just a few centimetres off the desk top, so you should still be able to make eye contact over the top. Now the point is, they are naturally suited to having two adjoining, full-sized pages of a magazine or an A4 sized report, or book even - open at the same time. Editing, Cattle Rustlers and Courtiers perhaps, checking proofs of next month’s edition of The Countrywoman on the same system as the printers will be using. Am I making sense?’

‘Go on.’

‘In addition, you can log-in to the new websites of your respective organisations, participate as members of the club. Zoom Charlotte and I - or anybody else, in full Technicolor as you say. Add items to the agenda of the next meeting of the whatever. Plus, everything you normally do online. I should just say, I’ve tried to anticipate, so put-up various personal descriptors of you, profile pictures etc. But of course, all of that you can change, as owners there is no level of the sites you cannot access, assess and upon which - assert your wishes. Comprehend?’

‘Yes. I think so.’

‘Finally, complementary “his and hers” tablets and mobiles which I’ll fully synchronise to the PCs, but leave in their boxes. It’s only the PCs you’ll have to use.’

‘Must have cost you a pretty penny?’

‘Ah! Yes. You won’t be bothered by having to pay for any systems, subscriptions, accidental damage, cock-ups - on account of the fact, that the whole lot, is, strictly speaking, the property of the Trust.’

47: Sparkwell's virtual world

Legally speaking, we were pushing it. Sparkwell and I moved stealthily around the club interior for the better part of a day in the company of a long-time, tech savvy associate, one Fin Heptonstall, hired exclusively for six weeks, with the promise of another month or so of work developing a second website, if all went well with the Park. Charlie was tasked with dressing and lighting the set. I set to, creating a roaring fire with the idea that it should be the focus of the whole experience. Wood that had been a bit green at Christmas, now looked, felt and smelt much more useful.

‘My point is, Fin, this is only going to be seen by members, people very familiar with this lounge, the bar, dining area, spa, games room and the ballroom; the extremely distorted perspective of a Google, just won’t do. Equally, the ambience must be of an escape from the mad world outside. So, even if you end up with something more modest, like just one or two static viewpoints in each room, the realism of traditional photography is all. See what I mean?’

‘Sure, actually, that’s an editing problem, doesn’t effect what I do today, today I just do everything from the user’s, member’s point of view to the highest speed and fidelity I can, leaving maximum choice in the editing. Wow! How do you do that?’ I’d shocked him by making the fire so quickly, judging the draft just right. There is no better hypnotic than an open wood fire, nothing more natural.

I helped Fin unload from his van. The kit all seemed a bit Heath Robinson to me, but he declared that the trick was to mount the roving-eyed camera and gyroscopic what’s-it atop a movie industry standard, steady-cam support. ‘Now what I’m going to do is a comprehensive, all spaces thing first, then ask you to show me four or five typical walks through the building, where you’d stop, where you’d sit etc. All done to and from the fire, I think?’

‘What an excellent idea.’

Fin became particularly excited when he saw the ballroom all lit up. Charlie had made sure it was all in conference mode, with the slightly elevated stage and the screen behind. ‘Can you green-screen yourself at home?’

‘Er, only in a very limited sense, like a head and shoulders shot at my desk. Medium close-up, local newsreader style.’

‘Still, you could do a sort of Big Brother, message from your leader thing, seen from the back row here it would give the illusion of big screen cinema.’

‘Not really my style, I leave that kind of thing to Buffy Trumpton.’

‘Of course, you know him don’t you. Is he a bit of a fascist then?’

‘Oh no, he lacks the intolerance that comes with an ideology. No, Buffy is a naughty boy, not a crook. He’s also lucky. Happy to be thought of as a buffoon. But above all willing to go where angels fear to tread. Who dares wins - but a bit shaky as to where he wants to get to, and certainly no map reader!’

A day or so later at the apartment, Charlie commented; ‘We seem busier than ever, whilst the rest of the world is coming to halt.’

‘There are two sorts of people as far as I can tell. Those who see uninvited change as an opportunity to up their game and those who just want to huddle down.’

‘I think it’s becoming about insiders and outsiders, mind you the insiders rely a lot on their cars.’

‘A lot of driving around but not really going anywhere you mean?’

‘And a sort of superior designer mask when visiting the one-stop out of town shopping experience.’

‘The media talks a lot about the mental health implications of isolation, they don’t seem too worried about not being able to read others emotions through a mask!’

‘You can tell a lot from gait, even the way people point their feet.’

‘True.’

‘Julia! What’s the problem? You’ve gone quiet.’

‘Why do you look like you’re in a high definition, Technicolor version of your flat, whilst I look like I’m on grainy old black and white tv?’

‘Because you’re trying to run Windows 10 on a knackered machine, which won’t even accept the full standard package.’

‘Why do we have to do things like this anyway, what’s wrong with the telephone or writing letters?’

‘Because I’m going to tell you how, with your cooperation, I’m going to save your magazine and not leave you to go into debt. That fifty grand you stung me for a year and a half ago, will not be in vain. And what’s more, as soon as possible, I’ll personally come down and upgrade the two of you whether you like it or not!’

‘Oh lord. We don’t take kindly to being instructed, especially at our age.’

‘For goodness sake, this is twenty-twenty and you’ve only just turning sixty.’

‘Yes, but all this technology makes us nervous. I know what you’re going to suggest, our printers have been saying for years that the website and an app should be our main source of revenue, with a print edition half the size and with a much smaller run. I know some people think it’s already too late. We can’t even get our own .com name apparently.’

‘Julia, I hate to tell you this but, the Trust acquired thecountrywoman.com and crawfordspa.com years ago!’

‘I’m a bit nervous about this online consultation you think I can do.’ So said Charlie sat at my desk having just ended skyping a friend.

‘I think it’s all about creating the right atmosphere and getting the psychology right. I think you should work from your chair in the treatment room, when it’s alongside your table, as if you were working on someone’s hands. We set up Camera Two, fairly close-up, but a wide enough angle to see all the familiar stuff the client sees when settling down on the table. The background music can play as usual because it’s always behind you anyway, so the levels should be right when you speak, in fact start the music before connecting with the client. You, no matter what you see or hear from the monitor, carry-on in normal treatment room mode. See where I’m going with this?’

‘A person that I already know, looks weird on screen...’

‘And that might have nothing to do with their state of mind or physical condition in the here and now.’

‘But, oh god, if I instinctivly adjust my behaviour to what I see, they’ll experience what’s normally comforting as discomforting.’

‘I think so, that’s what we need to practice, me from here, you in the treatment room.’

‘They want the same feelings they always get.’

‘Yeah, you change nothing, they want to see you in your normal environment, doing your usual things, that’s what will be therapeutic. But you may not see a meaningful response, you may not register any of the normal positive feedback.’

So, we experimented. ‘It would be better if I saw no picture at all, just audio, the tone of voice, the way people say things.’

‘Yes, but believe me it’s only a question of practice, the brain uses selective attention all the time, it has too, you just have to consciously hack it for a while until it becomes a habit.’

‘Well not too much. If we self-isolate from each other we’ll be crazy within days!’

Then my mobile rang. ‘I see. ..Right. ..Well, thank you for letting me know.’

Charlie had returned from the treatment room. ‘Hospital?’

‘She’s worse, organs failing, end of life stuff, apparently they were going to try for some kind of emergency transfer somewhere, but she gave clear instructions not to. They all think they’ve all got it, but everyone is responding differently. I’d better do a bit of a ring round.’

46: The gathering storm

‘A little early for sowing grass seed surely?’ So said Uncle peering out from the veranda bar at the Park.

‘Well, there’s unlikely to be a penetrating frost.’

‘But doing it, when the ground is so soft…’

‘No, no, matey has a high-tech golf course thingy, whereby the tractor can throw the seed without ever leaving the rough, apparently.’

‘Still, cost you a few thousand if you have to do the whole lot again.’

‘Fear not, the special funding is more than adequate. Fancy another?’

‘Why not.’ Replied Uncle.

Then Cat wandered in. ‘Your Lordship. What ho, Tony! Where on earth is everyone?’

‘Good question. Rory and Frimley, one imagines, are stalking the corridors of Whitehall, no doubt discussing the virtues of the double-breasted suit when they should be attending to the impending crises. Wooley, our man in the media, will certainly be focused on all the upheaval, ascertaining the views of his readership, better to direct his outrage. Barmy is on-board our latest aircraft carrier somewhere in the north Atlantic - probably Portsmouth harbour according to Daphne. Tuffy will be following Lady Victoria around, everywhere!’

‘And the redoubtable?’ Asked Uncle.

‘About ten minutes away I trust, she commandeered my car for an overnight stay with her home-counties parents, something about getting the remainder of her kit from the loft.’

Then a man who did prime minister impressions came on the telly and announced a national lockdown.

‘I say, this is all getting a bit thick.’ Exclaimed Cat.

‘Isn’t it just.’

‘Does he mean us?’

‘He means everybody, I should give some thought as to where you intend to hole-up.’

‘Difficult to take a chap seriously when you remember him all spotty and with ink-stained fingers.’

‘Or reciting Homer, dressed in only a bedsheet...’ Suddenly I was conscious of the bar beginning to fill up, so I beat a hasty retreat to the carpark, there to await Charlotte and do a bit of quick thinking.

‘What’s on your mind?’

‘Blimey, how did you slip in without me noticing?’

‘I was already here.’

‘Oh, right. Hear the news?’

‘On the radio. No doubt you’ve already formulated a plan.’

‘Well not really, other than to postpone the turf laying on the greens.’

‘Will the Park close?’

‘Yes, almost certainly, but I do have one idea about the club.’

‘Come on then, I’ve cleared a space on the passenger seat.’

For a two-seater sports, it was remarkable how much Charlie had managed to cram in, it took several trips to unload at the apartment. ‘Might one enquire the nature of the items within these dusty boxes? Childhood treasures perhaps?’

‘A few, maybe. Mainly college stuff. Old clothes. Won’t be half as much once I’ve sorted it all, lots can go to the night shelter shop.’

‘I’ve been meaning to say, since the shelter is your main charity thing, we could get organised and throw the weight of the Trust behind them. You might suggest to whoever heads it up, to work up a proposal to put before the trustees.’

‘Really? Actually, I think he has a sort of regular presentation, a PowerPoint he hawks around.’

‘In fact, we the trustees, could insist that you act on our behalf and take a seat on their board, committee - whatever.’

‘There’s something I have to tell you. Well two things really. You know Captain Bob?’

‘The old relic who’s forever sitting at the outside tables of your old place of employment?’

‘He used to be my landlord.’

‘But I thought he was hard up, living on some old tub, forever in trouble with the harbour authorities over mooring fees or whatever. What are you smirking for?’

‘Ah ha! So, the great Sherlock can be deceived by appearances!’

‘Clearly I’m not close enough to the street.’

‘His yacht, pride of the marina, cost almost two million - twenty years ago!’

‘Gor-blimey, Govnor! In that case how could you afford one of the state rooms?’

‘He took pity on me when I was on my beam ends.’

‘He taught you all the nautical jargon then?’

‘He taught me a lot of things.’

‘Oh yes?’

‘The thing is, he was the one who told me who you were. One night on deck, he said; “You’d never guess that Tony you flirt with at the cafe lives in one of the flats in that terrace”.’

‘I see. But there really is some sort of dispute about his spot in the harbour.’

‘Yes. He refuses to pay the top level of rent, believes everyone should pay a flat fee, set at the lowest level. Says that ultimately, it’s just a money raising scam by the council, since everyone gets the same sized berth, the same service - or rather non-service!’

‘Right.’

‘But he takes the moral high ground, since he is the largest donor to the night shelter, dwarfing the council’s contribution, which is just discounted rent and rates, plus bugger all done about maintaining the building.’

‘You said there were two things.’

‘Father. He’s obviously been researching you. He was fishing about, “any marriage plans”, seems you get his approval. Wanted to assure me he’d be willing to fork-out, if everything was done properly. Seen to be done properly more like, he belongs to a group of Christian lawyers.’

‘Oh, really.’

Later that day, coming in from the kitchen with Tea, Charlie declared; ‘You look pensive.’

‘Yes, rummy phone call as Uncle might say. I’ve just been speaking to the hospital; they’ve put me off again. The first time they just advised don’t visit now because she has some sort of infection and the physio has not really got going. Now, they say visitors are prohibited full stop, auntie’s infection hasn’t improved, but they can’t say whether it’s covid-19 because they haven’t been able to test.’

‘Not good.’

‘She can’t go to the General because it’s full, but she does get oxygen from time to time.’

‘How old is she, precisely?’

‘Seventy-nine. I don’t know what to think, I don’t even know if they’ve got all the protective gear that they’re all talking about.’

A few days later we had our first masked intruder, Tuffy looked ridiculous on camera. ‘Let him in, for now.’

He was clearly agitated. ‘I’ll kill him!’

‘Calm yourself, old friend of my youth.’

‘It’s a vendetta, he’s always had it in for me, now he’s drunk with power.’

‘You can’t seriously believe the purpose of the lockdown is to put the kibosh on your wedding arrangements.’

‘How did you know I was... Worst of it is, Victoria thinks I should be able to use my influence to get some kind of exemption.’

‘But that’s just Vic taking the piss out of you, surely?’

‘What can you mean?’

‘Er, well anyway, I’m sure Charlie has a fix, ah yes, talk of the devil.’

‘If you’d care to step this way Mr Tufnell, sir’

‘Feel better?’

‘Much. I’ve never Skyped or Zoomed!’

‘Really?’

‘Charlotte says she’s only offering online support from now on.’

‘Well yes, I mean strictly speaking you shouldn’t be here right now, should you?’

‘I suppose not, do you really have to close the club?’

‘We just need to move online, that’s my plan anyway.’

‘How on earth?’

‘Well, if I can recruit the right person, and I think I can, then it’ll be a new pucka website for the Park. It will be fully interactive, the club members portal will have a forum with any kind of posting and video conferencing, the Games Room becomes at least one exclusive online game, links to key sports - if they happen! Daily email newsletter drawing everyone in, but best of all, if I look sharp about it, there is still time to scan the club interior in the latest 3D fashion.’

‘Why do that?’

‘So you, get the illusion that everything is happening from your favourite comfy chair in the lounge or stool in the bar. Come to think of it, I’ll try getting the conference area done too - that would place anybody in the audience for anything!’

45: There's a bug going around

‘If you care to proceed to the kitchen sir, I’ve laid out our election night spread.’

I duly obeyed. ‘Goodness! Party food. But surely, all of this, well, it’s not food at all by your usual strict criteria.’

‘I know, but look closer. It’s the health food store’s artificial version of artificial food, if you see what I mean. All made with sugar substitute stuff, but using some kind of dodgy veg oil I think, otherwise it would all fall apart.’

‘So, not only will it taste of less than nothing, we have no idea whether it’s even more dangerous to health than the original.’

‘I know.’

‘This is my reward for not distancing myself enough from politics I suppose. Nice of you to go to all the trouble.’

‘Actually, it wasn’t any trouble, because of the time of year, the store has a kind of kid’s bran tub thingy at the cash desk. So, I used up all the points on my store card.’

‘Oh right, the card you failed to get passed Brinkley.’

‘That’s the one! So anyway, before you switch on the tv, what’s the result going to be?’

‘I really don’t know.’

‘Yes, but that’s what your head says, what’s your gut feeling?’

‘Buffy’s going to get away with it, a majority of say, between forty and fifty?’

‘What! No way! Surely not? They must be wrong.’ So exclaimed Charlie a few moments after 10,00pm.

‘Trouble is, unlike opinion polls, these exit polls that have been introduced in the last couple of decades have been getting more and more accurate.’

‘Then why aren’t you punching the air? Rory will romp it with a majority of, what?’

‘Er, just about five thousand, if it is a swing of around ten per cent. It’s too much, not for Rory I mean - Buffy will be insufferable.’

‘Shouldn’t have got into bed with him then.’

‘Time to make a hasty withdrawal, via the back staircase. From now on I’m turning on, tuning in and dropping out - as Uncle used to be fond of saying.’

‘Eat your treats.’

There are two kinds of people, those who require one screen on their desks and those who require two. I’m a one screen person but I’ve met plenty of the other sort. Market traders, bankers, bookies, people with security responsibilities etc. The second screen sits there in their peripheral vision, often their whole working lives. Their brains unconsciously absorb and learn the patterns, then notice difference. Those of us with one screen like one task at a time, but we have our regular habits - and sometimes the irregular just shouts something’s wrong. It was just before Christmas that I found myself reading online another of those Chinese health stories that occur every few years, a rush of pneumonia cases, suggestive of a virus - is it another strain of flu? Video of the authorities taking even more elaborate tech precautions than usual. I found I was still staring at the screen some minutes after finishing the story. Markets will fall, I thought to myself. China is the most important economy even if no one admits it yet. Why should I be feeling concern? A little of the Trust’s assets had been invested with listed companies, but only the safest - banks, insurance companies and the like. The Trust acts a bit like a pension fund really… Then I had it, this is personal, a personal health scare.

‘Brinkley. Good morning to you. The Trust money you persuaded us to invest in the markets a year or so ago, how’s it doing? ..Jumped since the election, well that’s good then. Be so kind as to contact matey, now - and tell him to sell it all, today. ..Yes, it may well rise further, but I have a bad feeling about China. ..Yes. ..No. You’ll find written instructions are already in your inbox.’

After hectic post-election Christmas celebrations at the Park, Charlie finally got a proper sit-down tea at Aunt Elisabeth’s on Boxing Day. In fact, she made quite a hit with the members of the Book Club. Firstly, on account of having braved the elements in a rather spectacular floral peasant dress, secondly, she knew the book they had all been digesting - Only A Factory Girl by Rosie M Banks. It was a reissue by the Nonsuch Press in their Modern Romantic Classics series. It turned out she’d read a first edition when she was fourteen, the volume in question being owned by her mother, but with an inscription on the flyleaf written in her grandmother’s childhood fist!

Once literary criticism had been exhausted, conversation turned inevitably to gossip. I was shocked to discover that several of the assembled company were already aware of a surprise announcement made at the club lunch barely forty-eight hours previously. Tuffy had taken it upon himself to make a speech, uninvited. He’d rambled for a while about how throughout his life he’d been unlucky in love. There had been definite murmurings of discontent from the crowd. I’d begun to feel anxious myself, but then he’d suddenly announced that Lady Victoria Herring had graciously consented to be his wife. This was followed by a moment of stunned silence before myself and others realised, we’d better start clapping like crazy.

‘So, what do we know of the gal?’ Aunt Elisabeth appeared to be addressing me with her comment.

‘Hardly a girl, aunt. Tuffy and I first met her when we were at school and had signed-up for formal dance classes, she was one of the girls bused in from St. Hilda’s to help out. We took to her right away because she obviously knew what she was doing, even then all her leisure hours were dominated by the ballet. She and Tuffy went out together a few years later, he even got as far as introducing her to his mother, but nothing much transpired.’

‘Of a suitable age, well that at least is reassuring.’

‘Oh, Vic’s alright, what I don’t comprehend is why a woman, having gone to all the trouble of getting rid of one husband, barely six months previously, should want to take on another?’

‘Moneyed is he, this Tufnell fella?’ So spoke the only other male at the tea party. It was Murchison, who had been Aunt’s jobbing gardener throughout the years of her widowhood, but also shared her taste in literature.

‘Really Kenneth! A little tact please.’

‘Well, Tuffy’s father did rather well, but how much remains I haven’t a clue. Tuffy and his mother live very simply in a rather lovely Victorian terraced house - two storeys below street level, three above, plus attic quarters, the whole works! It was there that Tuffy’s father introduced me to Sherlock Holmes, in the perfect Baker Street house.’

‘I hear all Lady Victoria’s divorce settlement went into opening her art gallery.’ This from the lady who used to work at the library.

‘Well, that I can neither confirm nor deny I’m afraid. I assume she has some money of her own, the Herring fortune was a large one in bygone days.’ At that point Charlie nudged me hard enough to rattle my china tea cup, I took it as a cue to stop rambling and shut up.

The conversation drifted to other local characters with whom I have little interest. Finally, as the Aunt made efforts to draw the encounter to a close, she apologised to the assembled company, saying she would be unable to attend their next get together due to a prior engagement at a local hospital. It appeared her medical advisors had persuaded her to seek a surgical solution to some of her joint problems. But she assured everyone, she would get stuck into the prescribed reading.

44: A woman's best friend

‘Yes, I see. No. He, and a single guest, can book one of the bedrooms for up to four weeks, but if he wants to bring in more guests it has to be on a daily basis as part of an event, pre-booked and organised for. You must say, no but we do have our new conference facilities, the ballroom with seating up to one hundred and thirty, plus the two adjoining seminar rooms, which are both fully wired-up like the ballroom, and one of which could be used as a temporary press room, for interviews via the Internet. As long as he understands there are no permissions to use it like a radio studio. No, you must explain all this, say you’ve consulted, spoken to senior management, and you definitely don’t say it was me. He needs deniability as much as we do. Yes. Speak later.’

‘Perhaps I shouldn’t have heard all that.’

‘Well, actually, sometime in the next few weeks if you bump into your favourite columnist at the Park, you should make friends, show him the ropes, but remember the idea is he tells you stuff, not the other way around. Difficult I know given he’s the one trained to get information out of people, but…’

‘I’d be all tongue tied.’

‘Well offer him a story.’

‘I haven’t got any.’

‘Yes you have! Tell him about matey, our local celebrity chef and his seafood harbour restaurant, he’ll love that. They know all chefs are psychos who always gesture with the hand holding the knife - tell him about all the cod coming from the Baltic! Better still, tell him the seafood only tastes great because the punter is sitting on the harbour.’

‘Oh, right.’

It takes it out of you organising a campaign without appearing to do so. The cognitive load, as the neuroscientists refer to it, is just too much. I found myself thinking out loud; ‘Now, Buffy just makes a single visit, with twenty-four hours’ notice; but Carrie, armed with secret weapon, is booked in for two days door knocking with Rory in the final week, however, we don’t have to worry about accommodation because she still has the cottage behind the Dissipated Kipper. Now then, avoid the fish quay this time because the opposition will just pipe up and say it’s only there because of EU money, where can Buffy and Rory safely go? Charlie!’

‘Leave me out of it.’

‘Just a point of information, that’s all. What was the name of that website that ranked our chippy number one in the South West or whatever?’

‘Why on earth?’

‘I want to give Wooley the headline “PM learns right way to fry chips” but, you know, translated into tabloid speak. Buffy loves anything where he can roll up his sleeves.’

‘Aren’t you in grave danger of getting “Buffy’s Had His Chips”.’

‘Oh my God, are we?’

‘Well, I don’t know, but anyway, according to today’s freesheet, the overpriced ice cream tub is standing again.’

‘What! They must be mad.’

‘Even if they are, they’ll still have learnt something from the last time.’

‘Touché. Whatever we do, we mustn’t follow the same logic as before.’

‘Why are you knocking your pan out over all this?’

‘Oh, I don’t know, gives the little grey cells a thorough workout I suppose, besides this is the easy bit, next I have to convince Prudence to convince Rory that he dreamed all this up!’

‘You’re this Tony guy, right? Don Wooley, The Beacon.’

‘Are yes of course, I have a close personal friend who reads you all the time.’

‘The Valette, I’ve met her, you’re a class act, so I’m told.’

‘Well thank you.’

‘I can’t believe my proprietor has cleared your invoice for exclusive use of your dinky new conference facility for four whole weeks, plus a room for me and my partner. More palatial than Buck House itself.’

‘Well, it is somewhat older.’

‘Ha! Effortless. And still we vote for Her Madge.’

‘Well, if you could just see your way to a post-Brexit trade deal, you’re welcome to throw Charlie boy overboard. Drink?’

‘I thought you’d never ask. I’ve just been trying to get the raspberry ripple over here for an interview, he turned me down.’

‘Fascinating, I’ve been on the lookout for him or any of his lieutenants for some time, assuming they would try and infiltrate in order to have a pop at us.’

‘Perhaps he thinks if he steps across the portal, he’ll become tainted.’

‘That’s a point, instead of actually learning anything about their opposition, they’d rather remain in ignorance for fear of losing their reputation for ideological purity.’

‘I doubt they’re even conscious of where their beliefs come from mate!’

As soon as we were informed of Buffy’s second official flying visit, we decamped to the Park immediately. Early the following morning Charlie and I set-up a one-way system in the house to marshal police, government security, party HQ campaign staff, the media and the politicians themselves. She asked; ‘Will any members be allowed in today?’

‘In theory, yes.’

‘Well, I’m supposed to be leading the final wood patrol!’

‘Ah. Er, I’d try and meet them in the carpark, do it all outside. Only the PM’s security detail can actually physically bar their way. They’ll just get friendly advice from the police, it’s only if they get stroppy in reply that they may be in trouble.’

‘I might try and prime them by text.’

‘Ah, there you are Anthony. Is it me? I’ve the distinct impression I’m watching the retreat from Moscow!’

‘Oh, I see what you mean Prime Minster.’ Buffy was staring out of the window of the veranda bar, morning coffee in hand. It was a slightly mystical winter scene, the spoil from the landscaping gave it the feel of a battlefield. Crossing our vision, half in silhouette, was a handcart piled high with chopped wood - or perhaps it was bodies - pulled by four men distinctly bowed by the exertion. Behind them followed a relaxed loping female figure, casually dangling her chainsaw.

‘My God man, what’s your sergeant major been doing to them?!’

‘Give’m hell Charlie!’

‘You didn’t need to be so rough with Tufnell. I suggested something romantic, didn’t I?’

‘You did indeed. I set him off on the trail of the Lady Vic.’

‘The Herring? I thought she’d joined the art connois-sewers?’

‘She has, opened a gallery on the harbour side. Tuffy is her self-appointed goffer.’

‘Ha! Get him married off, he’s been a millstone round your neck too long.’

‘Er, thank you Prime Minister, how’s Carrie?’

‘Very optimistic about the North. She’s been bounding up and down dale with Fluffy?’

‘Who?’ I said, feigning ignorance.

‘Fluffy the Downing Street dog.’

‘What breed?’

‘Terrier of course.’

‘May one enquire why you’re skulking here and not out there pressing the flesh?’

‘Taking an hour out to give Wooley his exclusive. He’s behaving himself, is he?’

Alas I have but second-hand reports with which to recount Carrie’s visit. At around lunchtime on the first day, I was preceding down the long ground floor corridor at the Park when from behind came that voice, so reminiscent of Aunt Elisabeth; ‘Anthony! Half a tick.’

‘Prudence, how may I be of service?’

‘I’ve been side-lined by Trumpton’s live-in girlfriend and it’s all your doing.’

‘She’s here in her capacity as a professional persuader.’

‘Well, she’d better be good. She spent an hour this morning alone with Rory. He said they were just rehearsing, but she’s got this thing about her, like you and Charlotte, that disarming thing, makes one feel like it’s hopeless to resist, hypnotic or whatever.’

‘Presence, charm, charisma?’

‘Creepy more like.’

‘Oh, come on, you spend half your life coaching Rory, it’s the secret of his success.’

‘Yes, but not like that.’

‘So, you saw some of it.’

‘Well, just a bit. Rory is meant to say; “Just calling around because I thought you might like to meet the PM’s fiancé and their darling new companion Fluffy”. And then, the constituent will apparently make a joke about how Buffy and Fluffy must be a bit of a handful, to which she replies by winking at the same moment as patting her tummy!’

43: Deal or no deal

‘Parcel delivery, sir.’

‘I haven’t ordered anything.’

‘Perhaps someone’s been viewing your wish lists.’

‘I don’t have any.’

‘I’ll open it for you if you like.’

‘No, no, that’s alright.’ I was damned if I was going to give her the satisfaction. I poked and prodded as I got to work with the scissors. It felt suspiciously like clothing. Instead of hovering in mild agitation, there was a definite attempt to suppress the lopsided smirk. ‘What the… I see, don’t tell me, we’re moving to a new stage of the programme.’

‘It’ll take ten years off you.’

‘The track suit bit is for outside I take it.’

‘We need to get you at least capable of running for a bus - without doing yourself an injury.’

Charlie’s programme consisted of making use of the Park golf course whilst it was out of commission to members. ‘Jog a bit, sprint a bit, jog a bit more. Rest.’

‘Oh yes.’

‘Jog for twenty, sprint for ten, jog for twenty, stop. Get it?’

‘And I get to count at my own rate?’

‘Never fails.’

‘Really? Surely people just count faster and head for the early shower.’

She moved in close. ‘Women aren’t attracted to the money; it’s the ambition, the get up and go! Blokes on the make often pull as well as the already accomplished. You just have to be seen to be going places and enjoying it. Anything gravity defying is joyful.’

‘Okay, coach.’

I had hoped our exertions had been more or less private, but as we passed outside the veranda bar, en route to the bathrooms at the back of the spa, we were diverted. There were people waving at us, a few had raised champagne glasses. Someone opened the glass door and gestured. Reluctant to enter in my hot and sweaty state, nonetheless I obliged. I turned to Cat Mackintosh; ‘The atmosphere is positively raucous, I see from that silent tv screen Buffy is making some sort of a statement, has the Brexit withdrawal deal been done then?’

‘Oh never mind that. We’re celebrating our deal. I counted it all up, five hundred and eight days since the Televised Sport Advisory Sub-committee to the Dining Committee was set up, our final report should be in your inbox now.’

‘The protocol for tv at the club? Done? Well blow me. I thought it would take you all at least two years.’ I patted my pockets, searching for my mobile device, securely attached to me somehow, gathering the fitness activity data insisted upon by Charlie. After some ferreting. ‘Only fifteen pages, you’ve shown admirable restraint.’

‘Well, everything became extraordinarily simple once we’d devised, The Cricket Test!’

‘No, don’t tell me, let me digest at leisure, after I’ve had a shower. Carry on, I’m sure you’ve all done very well.’

Before leaving the Park, I ran off a hard copy of the report. I refuse to own a printer on principal these days. I pursued it as I was driven home. ‘Well?’ Asked Charlie.

‘Well what?’

‘This is all bound to involve a lengthy briefing, you may as well make a start.’

‘Er, um, yes. I know! Now then. Us chaps, as you know, take a pretty traditional view of life as a whole. When the club opened there was a general feeling that tv in the lounge or the bar - or indeed in some sort of dedicated tv room was strictly a no, no. A smoking room, no problem. A library for quiet contemplation and the writing of letters, natural enough. But couch potatoes, enduring their Soaps, not for people like us.’

‘I get it. But what to do about live sport? Of course.’

‘Precisely so.’

‘Hardly within the purview of the Dining Committee surely?’

‘You’re remembering your education. Well, geography really. I mean the permanent open access between the lounge, the dining area and the veranda bar, was all the result of lifting off the two sets of connecting double doors. All areas food and drink.’

‘Right.’

‘So, when the issue looked like being contentious, I suggested a one-off sub-committee. And it was agreed that a temporary solution of a flat screen on the wall in the bar with the sound usually off would be allowed, wired for free channels only.’

‘And eighteen months later…’

‘Quite. The problem was everyone chipped in with the different sports they wanted, we didn’t want to have people staying at home for significant parts of the year, so somehow it had to be everything from the Albanian football league, to the Zimbabwean cricket team. Not to mention the gender lobby, whether they were fans or not, if there was a female equivalent somewhere on the globe, we had to be seen to be providing it. So, technical and financial challenges to be overcome.’

‘What’s the cricket test?’

‘Well that’s what I’m in the middle of now, leave me in peace a while and I’ll endeavour an explanation in plain English.’

After fifteen minutes or so of cogitation back at the apartment, and fortified by a glass of iced water with a slice of lemon, I resumed. ‘The premise is; if we can satisfy the demand for a live feed of every single international cricket match - with the sound turned down - and the TMS radio commentary or equivalent, plus a second screen showing a real time scoreboard, then, we will, by default have purchased all the right kit and subscriptions in order to view everything else!’

‘Are they right?’

‘Well they’ve had long enough to think about it!’

‘And how do they propose paying for it?’

‘Well, here it would seem their psychology is right on the button. I may not be a great sports fan, but I can see that charging a premium on alcohol during a sporting event is genius. It satisfies the fundamental need for the club itself. After all, solitary sport is no sport at all, artificially creating a crowd spirit is the whole point - with a premium paid on the drinks, the right crowd self-selects itself.’

‘You mean on cricket days the bar will be packed with cricket fans.’

‘Got it in one.’

‘And on women’s football days?’

‘Not so crowded I grant you.’

‘But what about the disgruntled male members who can be seen hovering at twelve o’clock every day?’

‘Oh, I think you’ll find a sizeable chunk of them keeping half an eye on the game.’

‘Really?’

‘Yes, the Americans have an expression which covers the phenomenon rather well, “foxy boxing”.’

‘Are you all right?’

‘Sure.’

‘It’s just that, you’ve been staring into space since ending that call.’

‘Yes, just taking it all in. It was from Carrie, I’m having one of those, “why am I being told all this” moments.’

‘Oh yes.’

‘I’ve been told the proposed election date, it’s a week later than I’d supposed, apparently we, the constituency that is, are ground zero. Given that Rory is Buffy’s majority, Rory must be seen from the start to be on the up and up.’

‘You mean Buffy wants you to big him up, Rory that is?’

‘Quite, but of course from the opposition’s point of view, we are their key marginal. Now I’m clear in my mind on what needs to be done, I know what would work, it’s just the how…’

‘Well just don’t drag me into it.’

‘Understood.’

‘Negotiations over the wood patrol are at a delicate stage.’

‘Of course, Tuffy and his chums will be well out it.’

‘Fortuitous.’

‘I leave the matter entirely in your hands, though of course I shall be available to give consultation should you require it. Only one item of advice. Supervise the stacking like a hawk, air flow is the key to the whole enterprise.’

‘Very good, sir.’

42: Charlie's chainsaw massacre

Undercover of the growing darkness brought on by parliamentary chaos, we sent in the bulldozers.

Well not quite - various earth moving equipment was used by the contractors. Uncle and I had started by making a rough map from the old illustrations of the parkland, then a golfing landscape gardener, friend of a member, made a proper digitised map using super accurate current data, before proceeding to send in the lads with the poles and tape to mark it all out. Trouble is, as soon you dig things up, the spoil always takes up more space than hole left behind - however modest your project, the whole place starts to look like a giant tip! Then it had to stay that way, until the tree surgeons had done their stuff. Despite giving reassurance all round, few seemed convinced by our argument that there would be just as much green and trees and much improved views with eighteen, rather than nine holes!

‘I say, where’s the money coming from for all this?’ Asked an anonymous club member.

‘Fear not, the Park company is paying, from real cash it’s already got, no new loans on my watch.’ I replied.

‘Still, no doubt you’ll be increasing the rent, and therefore our fees in the fullness of time?’

‘Well, yes and no. The current freebie of the nine holes, becomes an optional extra golf membership fee, separate from the standard package. Non-players should see their outgoings stay more or less the same in real terms. Well, that’s the plan anyway.’ What I didn’t say was that the money had actually come from the Trust, already accounted for a year earlier in the imaged cost of purchasing the mineral rights.

One day when Charlie and I were roaming the grounds monitoring progress in our precautionary wellies, she said; ‘Wouldn’t it have made more sense to do the felling and trunk removal before the earth moving?’

‘Well that rather depends on what your baseline for measuring efficiency is I suppose, something is only efficient when measured against an agree standard.’

‘But time, labour, mess…’

‘Sure, but these days with computerised measurement of everything, it’s often more profitable to calculate the total energy expended. Sometimes that’s just fuel, but even then, fewer people gently operating machinery set to some form of cruise control, which leads to a job taking longer, is often more profitable. There are reasons why the Green market economy is taking off!’

‘What! But…’

‘Think it through.’ I said, as I started to gently wander away.

‘Hang-on, are you saying the Green movement is being undermined?’

‘Well not really, but if you’re an idealist and have decided a particular way is morally superior, you’ll probably think it unnecessary to study what your enemy actually does. Always a mistake to focus on your opponent’s words rather than their actions.’

‘There’s still a lot you don’t know about me you know.’

‘I don’t doubt it. But that’s only right, surely, we hit each other with stuff, if and when we choose.’

‘For example, I’m fully certificated to use a chainsaw.’

‘Well, I’ll be damned.’

‘That’s why I had to take instruction from you and your Uncle on hand axes despite being quite good in woodland.’

‘Now there’s a thought, we decided not to sell all the wood but hold some back in the hope of finding someone who could knock out some woodland furniture. Any thoughts?’

‘You can’t help it can you. It’s instant. Looking for an opportunity in every situation.’

‘I try. Shame the pond doesn’t freeze over in winter, we could get you ice sculpting!’

Back home that evening, Charlie caught me off-guard with a question I couldn’t answer. ‘How many of your club members are religious?’

‘I don’t think we have that data. Besides it’s your club as much as mine these days.’

‘I suppose so. I just overheard a bit of chat at the spa about the nearest church, down in the village, having had no services for eighteen months.’

‘Good point. I don’t know anything about where the owners of the bungalows go either.’

‘Perhaps you should have a faith centre or meditation room in your ever-expanding plans for the Spa.’

‘We might be able to do better than that. How far have you got in your reading of Uncle’s magnum opus?’

‘Not as far as you.’

‘The house has a private chapel. I’ve only ever seen inside for a minute or two by torch light some years ago, but according to the manuscript it occupies the same space as the original chapel attached to the first house - ancient, sanctified ground in other words. And of course if we got truly ambitious about the whole place we’d have to spend money protecting it anyway, burials and all that, there never was a separate mausoleum or anything as fancy as that.’

‘I should like to be buried there, with a chainsaw in my hand for protection in the next life.’

‘Here lies Nemesis. You’ll have to make that clear in your Will, none of us will be here to see it done. However, at least we’ll have time to prepare for your arrival and the inevitable retribution.’

‘I’ve had yet another idea!’ I announced, entering the kitchen the following morning; ‘I must get Tuffy round here right away.’ I rattled off a text before turning towards a bemused Charlie. ‘Now then, I want you to listen in, hover and observe all, because although it does concern you, I want you to remain silent for the time being. There’s a chance for a nice little earner for you on the side, but we need to give Tuffy a few days to absorb the idea, realise you are the answer to his problems, then come begging.’

‘Whatever.’

‘What?’

‘I’ll take your word for it.’

‘Really? You don’t require a full and exhaustive briefing?’

‘I trust you. Besides, I doubt you could best me anymore where Tuffy’s concerned.’

‘Tuffy! I have a new scheme, and I think you’re just the man to mastermind it.’

‘Really?’

‘Absolutely. Morning coffee? Still milky with one sugar?’

‘Yes, er thank you. I am pretty busy these days old man, and I’m not sure Victoria would approve if she got to hear of anything, you know, underhand.’

‘My dear fellow! Would I suggest such thing? No, on second thoughts don’t answer that. What I have in mind is purely legit. Now then, for a while now you and your buddies have been angling for the return of at least one open wood fire at the club, correct?

‘Certainly.’

‘We are now in a position to move to the experimental, feasibility stage of your project. However, we will require a modicum of volunteer labour. Are you up for it?’

‘Well, that rather depends…’

‘Your eleven-es, gentlemen.’

‘Thank you Charlie. We have hung-on to some of the wood from the golf course, we need you to lead a work party, to cut, chop and split said wood.’

‘Oh, I see.’

‘I think I have found just the spot to allow the wood to dry enough in time for Christmas. And besides, we have to buy a bit of time anyway, to track down a country house chimney expert, otherwise we run a very real risk of falling foul of the local authority, not to mention setting fire to the whole place.’

‘Yes, gosh, one wouldn’t want that.’

‘Now I reckon the house’s original wood store, which backed on to the boiler house, and therefore was always dry and slightly warm, can be reinstated. I fully realise that the modern boiler is a lot better insulated, but I think it will do the trick. The one thing I can’t tell you, is whether you’ll be better off moving the wood before or after you chop it, I imagine that will depend in part on what kind of transport you can rustle-up. Well, are you our man?’

‘Of course, of course.’

‘Any thoughts on team selection?’

‘Well, there were a least six or seven who sounded pretty keen the last time it came up for discussion.’

‘Excellent. Now then, how’s life with Lady V?...’

I’d barely closed the door before Charlie started in. ‘Are you sure? I mean, suppose they think they’re just the men for the job, get stuck in and only realise they’re in trouble when a lose axe head flies through the air and takes half someone’s head away.’

‘Ah, now then. You’re theorising from insufficient data, Watson. These buddies of Tuffy’s, are on the whole country-bred. At some point in their childhoods their fathers insisted they spend some part of the holidays mucking-in, sometimes mucking-out, with the outside staff. They would also play a lot in the grounds. They will know perfectly well that hard labour is involved, and yet it is they who fantasise about spending the long winter afternoons lounging in front of a real fire, and someone is bound to immediately turn out an old toasting fork intent on crumpets at four o’clock. In other words, they’ll be thinking of hired help within the first five minutes.’

‘Well. I’m not doing it all on my own, you’ll need tons of it just for a try-out over Christmas!’

‘Precisely so. But my thinking is, you provide the leadership, the motivation. You should, for a modest fee, command and instruct the reluctant detail yourself.’

I could see her mind at work. Just as I’d seen that Tuffy was determined not to lose face by turning the job down; she I knew was thinking; ‘Can I rise to the challenge?’ It would be, but a matter of time.