‘...then I had to change my trousers, with the Don cooing over my tatts!’ Exclaimed Sparkwell as she chauffeured me towards the club.
‘At least you knew he wasn’t admiring the rest of you.’
‘Oh! I almost forgot, why is Captain Bob so happy?
‘One royal visit that went off without a hitch? The promise of further patronage?’
‘More than that, I knew him long before I met you, remember? It was like, the visit had solved all sorts of stuff, a weight of his shoulders. He said; “Tell Tony we did it, we bloody well did it.” I know the only reason you two would cut me out, is it must be politics.’
‘Politics and the bureaucracy that comes with it. Now then, national government and local government are by no means the same thing. However, you remember with the railway how we took advantage of the chaos of the end of one parliament and the start of the chaos of another, well, our local government is in the limbo of reorganisation. What the county and the cities are responsible for is changing, just as the districts are disappearing. I’ll be better able to explain after my lunch with counsel for the defence.’
As we entered the Park, Walpole could be seen hovering by the unusually open back door, it being of course the original front door to the house. The scene made our legal eagle look like the owner of a very fine country seat. ‘I’ll drop you at the door, sir.’
‘Very well, Sparkwell.’
‘Then proceed to park, I’ll be around should you require me.’
I did my best to gracefully exit the two-seater. Approaching, I proclaimed; ‘You look like the lord and master of all you survey!’
‘Oh, thank you very much, I must say the ambience here does give one a rather unique feeling of ownership.’
‘And the look suits you.’
‘You flatter me.’
‘Not in the least. Only too appropriate, since today you’re my host.’
Then his gaze shifted to the carpark behind me; ‘What’s your paramour doing, exactly?’
I turned; ‘My valette, is merely preparing to vacuum the interior. Keeping everything spick and span. She’s a very disciplined woman, especially when in uniform.’
‘I see. I don’t mean to be rude, but there’s always seems something, well, borderline kinky about your relationship.’
‘I say! Steady on old man.’
‘During my career I was often forced to spend long hours viewing the prosecution evidence held by Vice, decidedly un-erotic videos, but one learnt to recognise the traits of the sub and the dom.’
‘Sparkwell and I enjoy a high trust relationship, I can assure you.’
‘Ah. Of course, you could hardly swop around roles all the time without it.’
‘We’re not in the cells below the Bailey now, and I’m not your client.’
‘Just a bit of fun. In the hour of our great victory.’
‘You think we, have won?’
‘Oh, yes. And to cap it all you’ve made Charlie a star.’
‘Well, given her fifteen minutes of fame anyway.’
‘I’ve known The Beacon a lot longer than you. I’d say she’s well on the way to becoming a national treasure. Helene reads, every day, the print edition of The Beacon’s principal rival, her world view is built upon it. Now they normally have the edge when comes to royal stories, but now they’ve been utterly humiliated. And no doubt had to pay Don a small fortune for the privilege.’
‘Let’s go in.’
‘Of course.’
We passed by the flight simulator, it had an ‘Out of order’ notice on it; ‘What! Not again. What is it this time?’
‘Barmy’s uploading a software update of his own devising.’ Said an anonymous voice.
‘One wonders why, when all it’s only ever used for is refighting World War Two.’ I said as an aside to Walpole.
In time we settled to lunch. ‘So, what makes you confident everything’s in the bag?’
‘At my last meeting at county hall, when they finally signed off on footpaths, bridepaths, lineside fencing and reinstalled level crossings, one of the officials said we’d better hurry up with car park applications because reorganisation was already causing endless delays. It was on the tip of my tongue to declare; “There will be no car parks” when I thought there might be an advantage to keeping quiet.’
‘You think they are thinking they can just sit back and watch the chaos of choked country lanes and mass illegal parking as seen in other parts of the country where, unlike us, lines are cut off from the network? And with the additional assumption that we’ll be encouraging it in a desperate attempt to maximise visitor numbers in order to turn a profit.’
‘Waiting their moment to hit us with court orders and massive fines.’
‘How could they not know?’
‘Filter bubbles! Ideological and geographic.’
‘Blimey! As Charlie would say.’
‘Anyway, I then decided to snoop a little, mindful of what you and Bernard have said about the status of Royal Oak. One or two of the councillors also sit on health and social care committees. Similar delays in enforcing regulations, similar sitting back thinking they’ll hit Charlie and Co at a time of maximum impact. A combination of bureaucratic pettiness and moral superiority. And an addiction to spending other people’s money.’
‘Just in time then.’
‘Two knockout blows delivered on the same day. The ultimate endorsement. And lots of free publicity.’
‘We win in the final court of appeal, before they even litigate.’
‘Nothing can stop you now Anthony.’
Suddenly there was the sound of a most appalling scream, male in origin was my guess, and emanating from just outside in the garden.
In the push to get to the front door, originally the back door, and the collision outside, caused by working out which direction to go in, I lost sight of Walpole. We, the crowd, however were soon forced to pull-up just short of the spa by the scene that presented itself, it looked to be some form of water torture. To one side of the spa’s little drinking fountain, there was what might be described as like a large, broad, garden water butt, full and overflowing. Amongst the overspill creeping across the ground towards us were clearly visible ice cubes. Inside the container was what appeared to be a naked Tuffy, desperately struggling, but failing to extricate himself. Alongside stood Sparkwell, now in fitness trainer’s apparel, clutching a stopwatch and clipboard, looking on with cold detachment.
Walpole, who’d succeeded in nudging his way through the cheering and goading crowd, declared; ‘I’m reliably informed it’s a freebie from the Rep trying to sell the spa a sauna, it’s a DIY garden cold plunge.’
Soon Tuffy seemed to exhaust himself, calmed down, and realised the quickest way out was the reverse of the way he got in. On emerging he was revealed to be wearing white undergarments, now clinging and transparent, exposing his much-shrivelled appendage. After he’d rapidly departed, the crowd quietened down considerably. Someone commented; ‘What I don’t understand is how she got him in there in the first place?’
Some wit replied; ‘Led him up the garden path, literally.’
No one questioned the treatment being metered out. Knowing Tuffy of old, everyone rather took it for granted that the punishment fitted the crime. Walpole drew me to one side; ‘There you go, I told you. Tell me, what does she call herself in private, Mistress Charlotte?’
